This keeps happening to me. Somehow the days most convenient for me to get a haircut are the days no one is open.
And so it was that I was forced to go back to the same place I have gone for the past 3 or 4 haircuts, the infamous Fantastic Sam's.
The last 3 times I have gone to this place I have gotten the same woman. I didn't ask for her and would rather not ever see her again. I think she must be slightly crazy.
When this woman cuts my hair she holds her comb and scissors in the same hand at the same time. When she switches from comb to scissors she makes a point of whacking the shit out of my face with the comb. She does this about 1000 times over the course of a single haircut, leaving me bruised and wide awake.
Did I do something to you, lady? Do I even know you? Why are you whacking the shit out of me? Don't I tip? I know I do.
She has never once gotten my bangs straight. One side is always cut way higher than the other, as if her eyes are not level with one another and so she can't see level. I always have to adjust them at home with my own scissors, and without the comb-whacking of my face.
And this time, the coupe de grace, while cutting my bangs crooked I noticed she was awfully low on my forehead, using the clippers, and dropping lots of hair into my eyes. What is up with this?
After I got home I found out what was up with that. She had placed the comb over my eyebrows and shaved them.
Oh, there is still some eyebrow left, but not much. And who the hell shaves eyebrows with a haircut? Is this some new thing they only do at Fantastic Sam's? Was there a sign warning about this that I simply missed?
Warning: At Fantastic Sam's we whack your face and shave your eyebrows!
Is this woman menopausal or otherwise mentally insane? Who the hell gets their eyebrows shaved and why would anyone assume I wanted this? I'm not Boy George. I'm not going to be drawing on new eyebrows with a pencil. The whole point of getting rid of the mullet was to escape from the '80s, not return dressed as a gay transvestite heroin addict who has to rename himself 'Boy' so people will know which gender he actually is.
As I was leaving Jaqueline-the-Ripper said to me, "have a nice day and God bless you."
I said, "thanks, you too" and then fled the scene.
I have apparently paid this crazed woman to cut my hair crooked, whack me in the face with a comb and shave my eyebrows. And I tipped her, too. Then I had to go home and try to straighten it all out with my Wal*Mart haircutting set. What a perfect sucker I am.
Next time a decent place isn't open I'm just going to cut my own bangs crooked and shave my own eyebrows to save the money. Everyone will just assume I went to Fantastic Sam's.
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