A win-win-win situation

Dig a moat
the length of the Mexican border.

border crossing

Take the dirt
and raise the levies
in New Orleans.

New Orleans Katrina

Put the Florida alligators
in the moat.

Stolen From Stacy the Peanut Queen

Any other problems
you would like
for me to solve
today ?

MS Genius
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Harassing Phone Calls


Every day, sometimes twice a day, these bitches call my house and just sit there. It doesn't matter if I speak or don't speak. They just sit there. Eventually they hang up. Anyone who feels the need to call them and do likewise, feel free. They apparently enjoy that sort of thing.

Let me just give you an example of how often they call.

5/20 5:19 p.m.
5/24 4:29 p.m.
5/24 8:39 p.m.
5/25 7:59 p.m.
5/26 4:43 p.m.
5/27 1:55 p.m.
5/30 11:50 a.m.
5/30 4:54 p.m.
5/31 1:47 p.m.

Is that often enough for you?
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My Opinion


If you're a fat, thirty-something person, no longer trim and firm and lean, I think that you should not wear polo shirts that are the exact same color as your skin, thus making it appear as if you are shirtless, but very baggy and with wrinkles.

And I think that someone should tell this to that guy I just saw, because he clearly doesn't know.
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Twins - Krista and Adrianna Lima

Krista beach waterAdrianna beach water

Krista of Oceanaria and Adrianna Lima of Victoria's Secret

Krista OceanariaAdrianna Lima Victoria's Secret Supermodel

Twins separated at birth?

Krista closeupAdrianna

You be the judge
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Memorial Day


Happy Memorial Day

Thank a veteran
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Ask Me No Questions - The Answers

Sleeping WC

JohnnyBoy asks - Who played "Lumpy" on "Leave it to Beaver"?

I did. Don't you remember the episode where Lumpy takes a toilet and sits on it beside the road?

The Kept Woman asks - first thing that attracts you to the opposite sex. And we ALL know we ALL still look...unless you're dead.

The first thing that attracted me to you? I mean, to the opposite sex? The VERY first thing? Probably if she's smiling at me. Smiling is a big help. But big tits help, too. Or a great ass. Or both. But the smile is important 'cause I'm weak and pathetic and I need encouragement.

The Incurable Savant asks - Tell us about your first sexual experience.

My first sexual experience was probably in the 9th grade when future Miss Alabama, Heather Howard, leaned over to me in biology class and whispered in my ear, "I'm gonna grab your balls." And I giggled and turned red. And then she did it and I nearly shit myself.

Cheyenne asks - How did that porcelain throne come to be sitting alongside the road that you are sitting on naked. And did you actually use it?

I have no idea how that porcelain throne came to be sitting there. I suspect it was dumped by trashy people when the trash men didn't pick it up. I didn't get the chance to use it, but I would if you paid me.

GreekChickie asks - If you could live in any one place in the world, where would that place be?

In order for me to get to live anywhere in the world I wanted to live I'd have to be independently wealthy. So assuming I was independently wealthy I'd probably move to Australia and hang out on the beach all day.

Princess asks - If you were a super hero, what would your power be, and why? What would be your colours you`d wear?

If I were a superhero I'd have the power to make women's clothes fall off. My superhero name would be "Tequila" and I'd wear a big green bottle.

Kami asks - If you and the Wife could have a free vacation anywhere, where would you go?

I would go to your house, because you're a Texas cutie. And then I would smooze you into taking us to Irving for a Cowboy's football game.

Patti_Cake asks - If you could meet five (only five) of your blog friends that you have never met before IRL who would they be and why?

The first blog friend that I've never met in person and want to is Stacy the Peanut Queen. She's my original cutie and she seems like so much fun.
Second, I'd like to meet The Kept Woman because I don't know what her actual name is and it is bugging me, so I need to snatch her purse and check her driver's license so I can find out who the heck she is. And also she's a hottie.
Third, I'd like to meet Leesa in Montana 'cause she's a hottie.
Fourth I'd like to meet Binsk in Canada 'cause she's a hottie.
Fifth I'd like to meet Avery from Australia because she's super nice. And also she's a hottie. Or JD in Australia. Or Steph the Attention Whore who left us for MySpace. Or Needra. Or Mrs. J. Or Gator Robin. Or Laura in Maryland. Or Magpie in the UK. Or ...

Norman asks - How much wood could a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?

It depends on the woodchuck as to how much wood he'd chop. What did he need the wood for and how short of a deadline was he on? That sort of thing. Could he use tools? What about powertools?

Silent One asks - What does MILF mean? Explain everything you know about it.... thank you

A "MILF" is a Monkey In a Life raFt. It relates to the space program back in the '50s and '60s when they sent monkeys up in space before men and the government used the acronym MILF to describe them. No, I'm just pulling your chain. Seriously, a MILF is a "Mom I'd Like to Fuck." It's a term used to describe a hot woman who is also a mom. I believe you qualify. Did someone call you that? Shall I?

Avery's Mom bombarded me with - what's your favorite topping for ice cream?

I like chocolate on my ice cream. And in it.

Avery's Mom bombarded me again with - whats your favorite type of icecream?

My favorite type is Rocky Road.

Avery's Mom bombarded me once more with - if you had to eat one thing for breakfast, lunch and dinner for the rest of your life, what would it be?

If I had to eat one thing for all my meals from now on it'd probably be Carmen Electra.

Avery's Mom came back with - If you did have children, what names would you give them if you had a daughter and a son? (and I'm asking for first and middle names)

My first daughter will be named Propecia Viagisil Jones.
My first son will be named Viagra Minoxidil Jones.
I think those are great names. Lots of people here in Memphis apparently agree because since I first came up with this there have actually been some chillin's named variations of these.

Avery's Mom, never tiring, came back with - the guy on the toilet....where does he keep his toilet paper?,

I don't think he has any. Maybe he's just going number 1? Or maybe that's where his shirt went? Ew!

Siren asks - Why the hell are you still in Memphis?

Because my interview with a Rocket City company isn't until tomorrow morning and even then they have to make me an offer worth moving for. Meanwhile, Memphis has me 2 mediocre offers and is holding tightly to me. Nashville turned me down, those bitches.

Stacy the Peanut Queen asks - If you could go back and do ONE THING differently in your life (that would've changed the outcome of where you are right at this moment), what would it be?

If I could go back then I'd know ahead of time that my dad was planning to manipulate me into going to the Rocket City University instead of sending me off like he'd promised, so I'd avoid that and go off to college on a loan or scholarship. I would never move to Memphis and I would not be Memphis Steve. I would be Rich Bastard Steve, because I'd invest a buttload in Oracle and Microsoft, then pull it out to put into Netscape when it IPO'd. Then I'd pull it out at 185 and save the money for various other stocks that I recall flying like a kite for awhile. I'd be rich and spend all my time on the beach in Australia or Miami.

Silent One returned to ask - Do you wear... Boxers, Boxer briefs, or tighty whiteys ?

I'm not sure what a boxer brief is, but I wear tighty whiteys in the day and boxers at night. Gotta let the boys swing a little every now and then.

JY Biscuit machine gunned me with - bikinis, thongs, or g-string? black, cream, or sugar? pepperoni or sausage? mexican or chinese? top or bottom? I was thinking of doing this too, but I was afraid that no one would want to know a damn thing about me.

I love a beautiful woman in her underwear, no matter if it is a bikini, thong or g-string, but the less there is of it the better.
Black coffee
Pepperoni pizza
Mexican food 'cause I never see any Chinese people eating at the Chinese restaurants
Top or bottom, I'll take it however I can get it, although if you do that grinding motion while I'm on the bottom that's awesome.
I suspect if you did this, too, you'd get a lot of questions, many of which might make you blush. And those would be from me.

The Mrs asks - Have you ever been caught "yankin your chain"?

No, I never have. I'm paranoid and neurotic. I check the lock on the door 1000 times just to poop.

The Mrs follows up with - If so, how would you describe that experience? (in regards to above question)

That would probably suck. Unless it was a hot girl and she was into it and wanted to help.

JY piled on the chain yankin' question

But the answer is still the same. If you want to catch me you have to help yank.

Princess asks - whos do u like the best?

I don't know. I haven't seen everyone's yet. Kami only does Tits Tuesday every now and then and only some of you do Half Nekkid Thursdays so I've only seen a few. But from those I've seen I'd have to say Binsk, Heather S, JY, and TKW are mighty impressive from what I remember, as are many, many others. Oh hell, how about everyone just send me a photo of theirs and we'll make this official?

The Kept Woman returned to ask - did we scare you away with all these questions? We need answers, dammit.

No, you didn't scare me away. I've just been swamped with phone calls and interviews. I've got your answers for you, Sweetie.

LizzieDaisy flashed us... Why do you keep sending naked pictures of yourself to me? :) Kidding... How about, what is it about your wife that made you fall in love with her, and when did you know you wanted to marry her? Cause I am mushy.

Because I keep hoping you'll reciprocate, cutie!
I took a long time to realize I was in love with the woman I married. We met after my fiancee had dumped me for a dork named Ryan so I was in the dumps and not looking. We were just running partners 'cause she had no car and was new in town. My friends harassed me long before we ever dated that I was going to rob the cradle with her, 'cause she was so young. I swore I had no intention of dating her. Meanwhile, people were harassing her about me and she swore she wasn't going to date me either. She says she knew she loved me when I farted in front of her and just laughed. Women are so weird. As for me, I don't know the exact moment when I knew I was in love. I just slowly was. I suspect I wanted to marry her when I knew I was in love with her, but we still had to wait for a few years after that. I went to Memphis and was alone here for at least 2 years before we finally got married. Then I brought her up here and she's never forgiven me. :)

The Queen showed up late to ask - I wanted to know what your interpretation of "The Force" is? Or the meaning of life?

The Force is something George Lucas made up while experimenting with drugs back in college. It was the result of an LSD trip. That's why there are so many goofy looking characters in all the Star Wars movies. Yeah, I'm just making this up.

The meaning of life is a movie by Monte Python. The real meaning of life is beyond me. I suppose God wants to see how we do and what we do and why. Maybe He just wants to see who is a decent, strong human being and who is a lying, cheating, stealing, pathetic scumbag so that when some of us are thrown into Hell the rest can say, "yeah, that dude deserved to burn"? Or then again, maybe he's just messing around and letting us play on our individual wheels like hamsters in cages? I don't know how deep I can be on a blog. I'm not keen on the hamster theory, but who knows?
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Ask Me No Questions and I'll Tell You No Lies

WC Fields

Well, just about everyone has done it now except for me. That's about normal. But finally it's my turn. So here I go. Ask me a question, preferrably a question about me seeing a I might not know the answer if it's about someone else, and I'll answer it. Whatever pops into your pointy little head, I mean, whatever pops into your pretty little head you just ask me and I'll answer it.

Go ahead. Don't be shy. Ask it in the comments. I'll gather them up and burn them. I mean, I'll gather them up and answer them.
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ABC - easy as 1 2 3

Hail Mary

A - Age: 999

B - Birthplace: Rocketown, Alabama

C - Car: pick one, Nissan truck, Chevelle, Monte Carlo. I sold the Wildcat.

D - Dad's middle name: Claude

E - Essential make-up: Am I gay? No. No make-up, thanks.

F - Favorite Movie: Tobacco Road

G - Gold or Silver: Hmm, gold is trading at about $700 per ounce and silver is closer to $8. So I'm thinking gold is probably better. Send all you got. Thanks.

H - Hometown before where you are now: Your hometown never changes. It doesn't matter where you are now.

I - Insomnia: Used to be a big problem. It started when I was about 11 and really screwed me up for several years. But now I have the internet to keep me up way later than insomnia ever intended.

J - Job: I'm an Engineer. Yeeha. All you women throw your bras at me now.

K - Kids: Don't have any kids, as you well know if you've been reading my blog for any length of time.

L - Living arrangements: I didn't exactly "arrange" to be alive, but I am.

M - Mom's middle name: Mom doesn't have a middle name.

N - Name (full first, middle, last, jr., II, whatever): Memphis Steve Blogger Lord of Transylvania

O - Overnight hospital stays: Um, lemme think. My birth .... maybe that's the only one? Both knee surgeries were in the early morning and I was home by that night, I think. Then again, there was quite a lot of morphine involved in that first surgery so maybe I'm wrong. Sinus surgery was over at Baptist and I actually had a room and all that. I can't remember much about what happened after surgery. There were a lot of drugs involved. I don't know.

P - Prom date: Yes, I had one. And she had an extra one. But I did get to go to a grand total of 3 different proms, so I guess that should count for something.

Q - Quote: "I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."

R - Religious affiliation: I was raised Southern Baptist, although my parents had their own unique beliefs and they often differed from mine, so I guess we're all independent thinkers in my house. We ask a lot of questions. I've gone to Methodist, Presbyterian, Charismatic, Lutheran, Church of Christ, and Catholic Mass many times. And then of course all of my socialist/feminist teachers and professors subjected me to their religious beliefs for months on end, although that was against my will and obviously I rejected their faith in mass murdering tyrants and manhaters.

S - Siblings: 4 of them.

T - Time you wake up: Well, it's 2:00 a.m. and I'm still going.

U - Unnatural hair colours you've worn: None that I can recall.

V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: I don't know, pissed on carrots, I guess. Or potatoes that have been up George Michael's ass. Those are both valid examples.

W - Worst habit: trusting people

X - X-rays: oh hell, I've been an athlete since I was 6. I can't think of a part of me that hasn't been X-rayed.

Y - Yummy foods you make: Spaghetti

Z - Zodiac: Aquarius, and for God's sake don't start singing that ridiculous song. Trust me, this is NOT the age of Aquarius.
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Tennessee Women Ravage McDonalds

Women Charged After Stopping for Apple Pie 1 hour

CHURCH HILL, Tenn. - Two women's craving for apple pie got them in a pickle. The manager of a McDonald's restaurant called police Tuesday after the women, whom employees say were acting strangely as they ordered the pies at a drive-through, struck the side of the building with their pickup.

When officers arrived, they found Heather Amber Anderson, 24, inside the restaurant and behind the counter trying to open a cash register.

"I asked her what she was doing, and she stated she was trying to pay for her food," Sgt. Chad Mosely wrote in his report. "I checked with the manager and learned that the girl was not an employee and that she had been fired approximately two weeks ago."

Mosely said Anderson was unsteady on her feet and her speech was slurred. He charged her with public intoxication and possession of marijuana and drug paraphernalia.

Outside, the driver of the pickup, 41-year-old Neeica Jean Mull, also appeared intoxicated and told police she had taken prescription medication. She was charged with driving under the influence.


Information from: Johnson City Press,
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Yeah Right - part II


Date: Thu, 04 May 2006 05:30:37 +0100
From: "Dick Powers" (fkvji com) Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: Fwd: Business

-Sensattional revolution in medicine!

-Enlarge your penis up to 10 cm or up to 4 inches!

-It's herbal solution what hasn't side effect, but has 100% guaranted

-Don't lose your chance and but know wihtout doubts, you will be
i`mpressed with results!

Clisk here:
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Woman Bites Off Man's Tongue

Woman Charged With Biting Off Man's Tongue Mon Mar 20, 10:31 PM ET

CELINA, Ohio - Police accused a northwest Ohio woman of biting off a man's tongue. Chad Ringo, 29, remained in intensive care Monday at St. Rita's Medical Center in Lima after unsuccessful attempts to reattach about 30 percent of his tongue, Celina police said.

A hospital spokeswoman said he was in fair condition.

Police charged Emily Mescher, 25, with felonious assault after Ringo was injured Friday night. She was freed on $10,000 bail following a hearing Monday in Celina Municipal Court.

Police said Mescher and Ringo had been involved in a relationship.
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Colonoscopy Comments


Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."
And the best one of all...
13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?"
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Hello? Hello? Hello?

white trash phone
Hello? Hello? Are you there?

There's a new trend among telemarketers and other jackasses who blatantly ignore the fact that I'm on the "Do No Call" list. It goes a little something like this:


(Caller ID shows "UNKNOWN NUMBER 000-000-0000")

"Hello, This is Nude Memphis Steve. I'm not at home right now, but if you'll leave your name and number I'll try to get back with you as soon as I can."


"Hello? ..... Hello? ..... HELLO!!!! .... Mister Jones .... are you there? .... Hello? .... Hello? ..... Is someone there? ..... Hello? .... Have you picked up? .... Hello? ..... Oh, I'm all alone. Please answer the phone. .... "whimper" ... I think I'm going to cry. You don't love me. .... HELLO?!!! Is anyone there?!"

In the background I can hear other asshats making the very same call to various other victims in what sounds like a big open room filled with phones and idiots who yell into people's answering machines.

What is up with this shit? First, being on the "Do Not Call" list means I can track them and prosecute them for harassing me. And by harassing I mean that they make these stupid calls 4 and 5 times a day EVERY day.

Second, what makes them think that screaming "Hello" into my answering machine would increase the likelihood of my picking up the phone to talk to them? No matter what they say, the caller ID still says "this is some fucker that doesn't even want you to know who they are." I'm paraphrasing, of course.

Nevertheless, no number no answer. That's the rules. That's how it works. You call me and I don't see a name or number, I don't answer. And repeatedly shouting "Hello" into my answering machine just reenforces my faith that this is an excellent policy.

Geez, jackasses.

Do Not Call

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Yeah, right - part I


Date: Wed, 03 May 2006 10:00:17 -0400
From: "Edward Martin" ( Add to Address Book Add Mobile Alert
Subject: Seeking to hire staff


A small but growing e-commerce company searches for money expeditors.

Experience isn't necessary
No rumor.

Income of $ 35,000 per year.
Learn of this exciting business.
Just write us an email to .

We'll respond you in 24 hours
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Final Thoughts and Unfinished Business

I intend for this to be the last time I write about this, but as it has just occurred it's what's on my mind.

It's hard to take when someone you love dies. But it's strange when they are cremated instead of being buried. There's no viewing of a body and no burial. So the funeral is more like a church service, except a service about someone you knew rather than about God. There's no end, nothing to say "this is it and now it's over." The preacher talks and then says "OK, feel free to greet the family."

Then you're left standing there thinking, "that was it? What do we do next?" At no point do you drive out to the graveyard and bury the person. It's hard to explain, but it never feels as if they've died.

As My Wife keeps saying, there's no closure.

If My Dad walked in the door right now it probably wouldn't even occur to me that anything was odd. I never saw him dead or buried. It feels unfinished.
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There Was Once A Man

There was once A Man, born in a small railroad town tucked up in the northeastern corner of Texas just down highway 80 east of Dallas. It was 1929 and the great Stock Market Crash had already occurred. It was the start of the Great Depression.

The train stopped here for water and the town had grown up around it, as so many towns did back in those days. This Man's parents owned a jewelry store and managed to keep food on their table through the business that they conducted in this little Texas town.

A few years later This Man's parents had a daughter. A few more years and they had another son. This Man's mother loved the younger son. This Man's father loved the younger daughter. But they did not so much love This Man.

Throughout the Great Depression This Man and his family learned to survive in extreme hard times. They learned to live a life of doing without that would shape their thinking and their habits for the rest of their lives.

As This Man grew older he became aware that his parents loved his brother and sister, but not so much The Man himself. Out of sheer necessity his parents would work long hours down at the jewelry store, while he and his brother and sister sat outside on the curb, afraid to go inside the dark house alone. They were only children and afraid of the dark.

As he grew older he developed a fascination with chemistry, as apparently did all his friends, including the preacher's son. Being a boy and doing as boys do, he learned to use his growing knowledge of chemistry to make things go boom. He and his friends would spend what money they had going to the drugstore to buy new chemicals to build new devices to make new things go boom in new ways.

This Man lived in an era when a boy with a dime could buy a stick of dynamite and no one thought anything of it (This Man and the Preacher's Son eventually became the reason that this little Texas town now has a law against setting off explosives within the city limits.)

One day, as this man set off a new and particularly powerful explosion, he heard a piece of metal shrapnel fly just past his head, nearly hitting him like a bullet to the brain. It was then that he decided he no longer wanted to blow things up. Instead, he wanted to become a chemical engineer. And so he set out to find a way to get out of the small Texas town and into college in order to make his new dream become a reality.

The options were limited for leaving the small town and so This Man found little choice but to join the Armed Forces. He wanted to fly so he joined the Air Force. The Air Force sent him to Cheyenne, Wyoming, where he would later say the snow would pile as high as the roof of his barracks and the cold would freeze you in your tracks. He wasn't overly fond of the snow or the cold, but if he could fly then it would all be worthwhile.

But he could not fly. The Air Force said his eyes were not good enough to fly and he would have to do something else. As luck would have it, something else came along in a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. The Federal Government had begun a program to pull specially qualified men out of the armed forces and send them to military schools. For various reasons, a slot came open for the Air Force to send one man to the Army's West Point Academy. He wanted to go, but he was not chosen.

The man who was chosen, though, didn't want to go. The Korean war was imminent and he wanted to fight. So he declined and the opening came available again. The offer was extended again, this time to The Man from the small Texas town, who gladly accepted.

West Point was not fun, as he would later admit, but it got him further on his way towards his dream. Meanwhile, all the men from his former unit were sent to fight in the Korean War. This Man, though, would graduate from West Point as an officer, meet and marry a woman from Houston, Texas. And be sent off into the Army to begin serving his term of service as mandatory payment for the academy education he had received.

This Man and his wife were sent to Tokyo, Japan. While there they had a daughter. The year was 1957. The entire time in the army would be spent there, living in a paper house in Japan.

After leaving the Army This Man and his wife and daughter moved to Austin, Texas, where he would enroll in the University of Texas at Austin's school of engineering. His area of focus, of course, was chemical engineering.

After spending a great deal of time working in chemistry labs surrounding by an army of aspiring engineers and their chemical experiments he found that he disliked the overwhelming smells of the lab more than he could bear. It was something he hadn't had to deal with while working alone with his own chemicals at home. And it was enough to change his mind. He quit chemical engineering and shifted to electrical engineering instead. And it was in this new field that he would obtain his degree.

Meanwhile, he and his wife had another daughter, born in a little house in the middle of Austin. He would find a job there, working in his field, but would shortly thereafter be laid off.

In searching for work he found a great new opportunity far away in a strange little city hidden between the mountains of North Alabama. It was a very young Rocket City, and he would move his family there to begin the new job that would take him far from home. Upon leaving The Man and his family all swore they would be back someday. Austin was home and nothing could take its' place.

Once moved into the Alabama Rocket City he and his wife built themselves a red brick house and had another daughter, a little hellcat who ironically would have been far more at home in the untamed lands of Texas than in the sleepy hills of Alabama.

A year later a son was born. Several years after him another son was born. And the family was completed.

Throughout the 1970s This Man struggled to find a way to relax and settle into an Alabama City in which every man was an engineer and every woman a school teacher. No one in the Rocket City was actually from the Rocket City, and so it was an odd little place without roots, a place in which everyone swore that one day they would go home. But no one ever did. Who could have imagined that this missile program into which he had entered from its' very founding would become so important, so enormous, and so long lasting?

Through Watergate, an oil embargo, an Iranian hostage crisis, a giving away of the Panama Canal, and the bankruptcy of the Chrysler Corporation, This Man and his family grew quietly comfortable in their red brick house in their odd Alabama city surrounded by mountains and missiles.

The Man found that in order to relax he needed to swing and ride motorcycles. He bought a Harley and spent his weekends riding far and wide throughout winding Alabama roads, exploring and escaping. At night he would sit in his big wooden swing on his back porch and look at the stars while telling his children stories about blowing things up in a small Texas town, sitting scared in the dark on a curb while waiting for his parents to come home, and about the Army. Every summer the entire family would pile into a Dodge van and travel back to Texas, where his children would find that everywhere they went in the tiny Texas town everyone who saw them immediately knew whose children they were without being told. And the children thought it was a very odd thing indeed.

"How do they know who we are?" they kept asking each other.

In the 1980s, This Man turned 55 years old. Government work had changed and the ugly politics of socialism was increasingly weighing down upon the engineers who built America's spaceships and armies. This Man was fed up and took advantage of his opportunity to retire. His wife was less than thrilled at the sudden change, having grown accustomed to having the house to herself all day long. She also felt that as young and highly qualified as he was, he should take a new job and keep working. But This Man had a plan, a plan for something completely different than the work he had been doing all through his career.

Every day at 5 a.m. This Man would leap from his bed and rush downstairs to his office in the basement of his house. He would turn on his computer and being entering data about the stock market from the Wall Street Journal that was printed the day before. He would study company after company, trend after trend, trying to find a way to make something more out of his retirement money. The timing was both unfortunate and incredibly lucky. He lost a fortune in the Stock Market Crash of 1987, learning a hard lesson about buying on margin and the dangerous illusions that greed often creates in the market.

"I should have seen it coming," he would kick himself and say. And then he went back to work, trying to build something worthwhile with what money he had left. Finally, one day he found what he considered to be his perfect choice. He found a little company that wrote databases and sold them to corporate America. He began to pour money into the stock, bit by bit, convinced that the numbers were all there and this company was rock solid. The company took a dramatic turn and dropped to alarmingly low numbers. This Man's broker called him in a panic.

"I think you need to sell. This company is a dog," the broker would say.

But instead he bought more. "It's a fire sale," he insisted. "The company is solid. The market is wrong."

Soon the market realized its' mistake, and the little database company began to rise again from its' ashes. Meanwhile, never wavering in his confidence that his decision had been right, This Man had already moved on to look for another diamond in the rough that he could put the rest of his remaining retirement fund into.

He found a new software company that created the operating system on most new PCs. The company produced various other software packages that were moderately popular, but it was its' virtual monopoly on the operating system itself that caught his attention. Even though the company was brand new and headed by a very young man, he poured all the rest of his money into its' stock. Having done that, all that was left for him to do was to watch. So, each day The Man continued to rise at 5 and continued to watch the market, trying to learn everything about it that he could. But as for new investments, he was out of money.

The late 1980s was the beginning of an unprecedented stock market rise. For the next 11 years the market would go up and up, defying all odds, and enabling a great many investors to build a healthy retirement and more. Some people made millions, some made tens of millions, and some made far more. For This Man, he had a goal and all he really wanted was to prove that he could reach that goal. He reached it within a few years of retiring and was justifiably proud of his achievement. He wasn't rich by modern standards, but he was comfortable and he had proven that he could do what he had set out to do.

Other than the stock market, the only goal that seemed to interest This Man was grandchildren. He had wanted to have 8 kids, but could only coax his wife into having 5, barely getting the 5th one. Even so, with 5 kids it seemed reasonable to assume that he would have at least 10 grandchildren. Unfortunately, the world had changed and all he managed to get was 2, a girl and a boy. But he loved that girl and that boy as if they were his own children and was very happy with them.

Just a year ago, This Man's granddaughter produced his very first great-grandchild, a little girl named "Mia." When asked if she had named her baby girl after Mia Hamm, the mother responded, "Who?" Apparently she had named her baby after a dress, called a Mia dress, and had no idea who Mia Hamm was.

This Man was absolutely thrilled to see his great-granddaughter and spent as much time as he could with her. Unfortunately, the time he had for her was shorter than he knew. 3 weeks ago This Man had a massive stroke. While in the hospital's ICU This Man's children would cheer him on by reminding him that Mia needed to see him. It always made him feel a little better to think about her, and he slowly seemed to get better.

Just 2 days ago the hospital moved This Man out of the ICU and into a private room. They began his therapy and fully expected that despite the extremely dangerous type of stroke he had experienced, he would recover. Unfortunately, he did not. Last night at around 9 p.m. This Man died suddenly at the age of 76.

This Man was my father. And I miss him.
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Who Are You?!

I've been up all night studying C# and then I had to go online to take a test. Yeah, it was around 1 a.m. and I was on the internet taking a damned computer test.

Meanwhile, my cats were outside in the yard fighting with someone. I got a little tired of the yowling so I decided to jump up from the timed test just long enough to chase off the invading cat and bring my own inside. The test clock was running and I couldn't afford to waste much time.

When I went outside I found my cats staring at the fence and growling. There was a big black shadow on the top of the fence. I was surprised he hadn't run away when I came outside. I picked up a rock off the back porch and threw it at him. He didn't budge. So I ran across the yard at him figuring for sure that would send this stubborn tomcat on his way. It usually does.

As I got right up on top of the big black shadow I noticed that he had begun to move along the top of the fence to get away from me, but he didn't jump down. I also noticed that he was a whole lot bigger than any cat should be. It was way too dark to see any details of what I was now nearly on top of, but I knew it was no cat.

As he scrambled around on the top of the fence, refusing to jump off and run away, but not too happy about my charge across the yard, I determined that it was in fact a large raccoon. I also determined that I didn't particularly want to be nose-to-nose with him in the dark, in sweatpants and no shoes, without a bat or a gun. So I backed off just a bit.

He stopped scrambling around on my fence and stood still again. I went back to the porch and encouraged my cats to go inside. And by 'encouraged' I mean that I picked them up and threw them in the house. Then I went in and shut the door.

Phew, I'm awake!

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