Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween
Nude Memphis

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The Coffin

Late one dark and rainy night a man was walking home alone when he hears a.......




behind him.

Walking faster he looks back, and makes out the image of an upright coffin banging its way down the middle of the street towards him




Terrified, the man begins to run towards his home, the coffin bouncing quickly behind him ...






He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the coffin crashes through his door, with the lid of the coffin clapping ...





on the heels of the terrified man....

Rushing upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing gasps.

With a loud CRASH the coffin starts breaking down the door. Bumping and clapping towards him.

The man screams and reaches for something heavy, anything ...

His hand comes to rest on a large bottle of


Desperate, he throws the Robitussin as hard as he can at the apparition,


the coffin stops.
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Paris Sued For Fight Club Incident With Princess


Paris Hilton hit with $10M slander suit after confrontation with actress

Originally By Lisa Sweetingham, Court TV
Modified For Pardody By Memphis Steve, Nude Memphis

SANTA MONICA, Calif. (Nude Memphis) — Paris Hilton is being sued for $10 million by a woman who claims the socialite porn star fed made-up tales of jealous and criminal behavior about her to the press.

"For motives which are not yet entirely clear, aside from just being a total bitch, defendant Paris Hilton and others recently caused a number of vicious lies about Ms. Zeta Graff, a professional model, actress, film producer, and Girl Scout Cookie sales champion of 1991, to be published in the New York Post," says Graff's slander and libel lawsuit.

"I just think the bitch needs a good ass-kicking," Graff's mother added.

Attorneys for both sides met briefly in a Santa Monica courtroom this morning where they hissed and scratched at one another. There was no hair-pulling as everyone had really short, dykey haircuts. Hilton's attorneys say they expect to respond to Graff's amended complaint in the next two weeks, but are still investigating the incident and trying to make up some more shit and spread it around because "it's just so much fun."

The judge, a family friend of the Hiltons, set the next court hearing for January 2010.

Graff, who had a small role as a princess in the 1997 film "The Fifth Element," claims Hilton conspired with her spokespoodle to spread a false story about their June 30 run-in at London nightclub Kabaret.

The article that ran in gossip columnist Richard Johnson's Page Six section on July 2 said Graff was seen attacking Hilton on Kabaret's dance floor in a jealous rage over a "scrumptous hunk of man-meat."

At the time, hotel heiress Paris Hilton, 24, was engaged to Greek shipping heir Paris Latsis, 22. Latsis, according to reports, who was unfortunate enough to also be named Paris, dated Graff for two years before hooking up with Hilton, making a sex video which he marketed on Ebay, and having a "Z" tattoo removed from his wrist.

"The Z was actually from a fight I had with Catherine Zeta-Jones at another club," boy-Paris claimed. "She had just finished filming "Zoro" and pulled a sword on me. It's not a tattoo. It's a scar. And I didn't even like the movie all that much."

When Graff saw Hilton and her ex dancing to Barry Manilow's "Copacabana," the Post said, she went "berserk," and appeared to lose her mind, just as the song's heroine Lola does over the loss of a lover.

Graff later admitted, "I hate that fucking song. It's so gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

The article goes on to lie that Graff tried to snatch a really gaudy $4 million diamond necklace off Hilton's neck, and had to be physically restrained by security guards before she was booted out of the club.

An unnamed source, identified only as 'Lyndsay Lohan', is quoted as saying she witnessed Graff screaming and trying to strangle Hilton. The source, appearing in the new "Herbie the Lovebug movie" in theaters now, went on to say that Graff, who is reportedly in her mid-30s, was "a woman who is older and losing her looks, and she's alone. She's very unhappy."

A Hilton "spokespoodle" is quoted as telling Page Six that "girl-Paris and boy-Paris just want to be left alone. This woman keeps turning up wherever they go, almost like a stalker. Tee hee. Are you gonna print that?" Hilton is quoted telling Page Six that she would not press charges, and just wants Graff "to go fuck herself."

According to Graff, that's not quite how it happened the night she ran into her ex's new girlfiend.

Graff says that it was Hilton who tapped her on the shoulder and whispered in her ear, "You're a fucking bitch. I'm going to destroy you," according to the model/actress/producer/girl scout cookie champion's complaint.

Paris countered, claiming "that's not what I said. I said "you're splitting a stitch. You're dress is destroyed." Really, I have witnesses. Tell them, Herbie, I mean, Lyndsay."

Graff alleges that she asked Hilton what she was talking about, but Hilton did not respond, instead sauntering over to a promoter at Kabaret to demand that Graff be removed from the club.

The suit makes certain to point out that it was Hilton who left first.

"[T]he promoter denied Hilton's request, saying "bitch, I ain't yo momma and I don't take out yo trash," which prompted Hilton and her friends to throw a huge tantrum involving shoe-throwing and a spectacular food fight, and leave shortly thereafter, while [Graff] and her friends stayed for another hour or so trying on the shoes," Graff's complaint sort of reads.

Hilton's accusations that the actress attacked her and tried to rip the jewels from her neck, Graff says, are not supported "by even a spatula of truth."

"Ms. Hilton, her spokespoodle, and others acting on her behalf concocted a baseless story about Ms. Graff and, like Hillary running against Giuliani, fed it to the idiotic gossip columnists at the New York Post for immediate publication, and then watched as media outlets picked up and republished the malicious falsehoods and outright fabrications to millions of people around the world," the suit says.

British media outlets The Sunday Mail and The People ran brief stories about the alleged catfight, but then later published formal apologies to Graff, announcing that the incident never occurred, and that they had agreed to pay Graff damages because Paris had "totally screwed us on this one."

Page Six's Richard Johnson declined to comment on the matter, citing threats of a total shutout from all the cool parties by Paris and her friends. The Post has not published an apology, but it has published some really bad photographs of Sandra Bullock.

Graff wants Hilton to pay for the mudslinging, and is asking for upwards of $10 million, an amount Paris likely has in left her shoe, as her "reputation and good name, as well as her present and future earning potential, have been irreparably harmed throughout Los Angeles, New York and elsewhere around the world," her complaint says.

Graff's attorney, Yogi Berra, declined to comment, as he also is afraid of being shut out socially from all the best parties.

Hilton's attorneys Ann Lisa Loeb and Larry Bernstein-Bear also declined to discuss the case, but mentioned that Paris throws some really kickass parties and it can be a bitch to be shut out by her.

In a fitting postscript to the jealous love triangle that spurned a lawsuit, Paris and Paris have also drop-kicked one another, as the tabloids lost interest and the porn videos didn't sell as well as expected.

Earlier this month, the Post reported that Hilton phoned Latsis to break off their five-month engagement, while her new beau Stavros Niarchos, also a Greek shipping heir, was on the line giggling.

If this were a soap opera, it would be a hit. ABC is reportedly in talks with Paris to secure the rights to her real life story and has asked her to play herself, with occasional cameos by Nicky and other members of the Hilton family. The show is expected to be titled "Desperate Hiltons."
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Half Nekkid Thursday - Still Going

Happy Halloween
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Whooooooo Are You? Who Who?

You are a

Social Moderate
(56% permissive)

and an...

Economic Conservative
(75% permissive)

You are best described as a:


Link: The Politics Test on Ok Cupid
Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

I got this from Silly Nessa. At first I was surprised by the results, but then I saw how close I was to Libertarian. That's where I expect I'd be if they asked more questions.

I think the only reason I ended up in the capitalist category is because of the books on economics I've been reading lately. I said I'd permit businesses to do things that would be unpopular, but supports the concept of freedom, because I considered it necessary. I probably wouldn't have done this if I hadn't read about the consequences of not allowing those very sorts of things.

Where do you land in this test?
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A Race of a Different Kind

Some people understand life better, and they call some of these people"retarded"...

At the Seattle Special Olympics, nine contestants, all physically or mentally disabled, assembled at the starting line for the 100-yard dash. At the gun, they all started out, not exactly in a dash, but with a relish to run the race to the finish and win. All, that is, except one little boy who stumbled on the asphalt, tumbled over a couple of times, and began to cry. The other eight heard the boy cry. They slowed down and looked back.

Then they all turned around and went back......every one of them. One girl with Down's Syndrome bent down and kissed him and said, "This will make it better."

Then all nine linked arms and walked together to the finish line.

Everyone in the stadium stood, the cheering went on for several minutes. People who were there are still telling the story... Why? Because deep down we know this one thing: What matters in this life is more than winning for ourselves. What matters in this life is helping others win, even if it means slowing down and changing our course.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle"
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Court Rules Gay Rape of Retarded Boy is Okie Dokie

rearend statue

By JOHN HANNA, Associated Press Writer
Parodied By MEMPHIS STEVE, Bored Blogger

TOPEKA, Kan. - Kansas cannot punish illegal underage rape more severely than regular underaged sex if it involves homosexual conduct, the state's highest court ruled unanimously Friday in a case funded by national gay groups, including Allstate Insurance and the Walt Disney Corporation.

The Supreme Court said in a unanimous ruling that a law that specified such harsher treatment and led to a 17-year prison sentence for an 18-year-old adult gay male defendant "suggests animus toward teenagers who engage in homosexual sex."

"Moral disapproval cannot be a legitimate state interest," said Justice Marla Suckitt, inadvertently opening the door for the overturning of any and all anti-discrimination and hate crime laws.

The defendant, Matthew Shepherd Limon, has been behind bars since he was convicted in 2000 of performing an illegal sex act on a 14-year-old mentally retarded boy, which just happens to constitute statutory rape. Had one of them been a girl, or viewed themselves as a girl trapped in a man's body, and not mentally impaired and molested as the victim was, the state's "Romeo and Juliet" law would have dictated a maximum sentence of 15 months.

Why the state has a law against Romeo and Juliet is unknown at this time.

The court said Limon should be resentenced within 30 days as if the law treated illegal gay statutory rape of a mentally impaired victim and regular underaged straight sex the same, and it struck language from the law that resulted in the different treatment.

"We are very happy that Matthew will soon be getting out of prison. We are sorry there is no way to make up for the extra four years he spent partying like it's 1999 while in prison simply because he is a gay child rapist," said Limon's attorney James Essuks, of the AntiAmerican Civil Liberties Union's Gay and Lesbian Special Rights Project.

National lesbian groups, including the Girls Scouts of America and the federal Girl Power program, and the National Association of Socialists had filed legal arguments supporting the rapist's position. A conservative law group, Orlando, Fla.-based Liberty Counsel, helped prepare written arguments from 25 legislators in support of the law, which voters had overwhelmingly approved.

Limon and the victim, identified only as Forrest Gump, lived at a group home for the developmentally disabled. In court, an official described Forrest as mentally retarded and Limon as functioning at a slightly higher level but not as an 18-year-old man.

"He's more like an 18-year-old woman," the official said. "A very evil and predatory woman, like those weird school teachers who keep raping 14-year-old boys in their classrooms."

Limon's ACLU attorneys described the relationship with the younger boy as consensual, despite the younger boy's legal inability to give consent and mental incapacity to comprehend the act, and suggested that they were merely young lovers experimenting with forced gay sex and just a dash of masochism, as Limon is known to beat his victims in order to keep them quiet.

Attorney General Phill Kline's office has described Limon as a sexual predator, noting that he already has two similar offenses on his criminal record for raping impaired little boys. Kline contended that such a behavior pattern warranted a tough sentence and that courts should leave sentencing policy to the Legislature and the people, as the law requires.

Kansas law prohibits any sexual activity involving a person under 16, regardless of the context. The 1999 "Romeo and Juliet" law specifies short prison sentences or probation for sexual activity when an offender is under 19 and the age difference between participants is less than four years — but only for opposite-sex encounters and only when the encounters are mutual and consensual, which does not apply in this case. With this pro-rape, anti-voter ruling the state is expected to simply eliminate the "Romeo and Julet" law and send Limon back to prison with the same sentence, which would comply fully with the court's demands, if not the intent.

A lower court had said the state could justify the harsher punishment as protecting children, fighting disease or strengthening traditional values.

Friday's ruling said that the progressive homosexual elitists who paid off the judges' mortgages as a special 'favor' hate those goals and want them eliminated at any cost.

"The statute inflicts immediate, continuing and real injuries on rapists and other sexual predators that outrun and belie any legitimate justification that may be claimed for it," Judge Suckitt wrote. "And anyway, they bought me a house, so fuck the voters and fuck the laws that govern this country. I got mine."
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30 Minutes

That's how much time I just wasted trying to staple a document. Why is it that every company in America gives its' employees staplers that won't staple 2 pieces of toilet paper together without fucking them up and wadding the staple into a useless mangled mess?

I tried every stapler trick known to man. I tried pressing gently and guiding it. I tried pressing quickly. I tried holding it up. I tried placing it on the desk. I tried smashing it with a hammer fist. I tried gentle persuasion on the desktop. I tried one staple at a time. I tried filling it to capacity. I tried reusing the same holes it had just made until the document itself is a shredded mess. Nothing worked.

I ended up throwing my stapler in the trash. There are hundreds of flattened staples all over my floor. I even went over to the network printer and found a large stapler that is supposedly for stapling large documents (read: 5 or more pieces of paper.) It had staples in it, but it wouldn't staple. It was broken.

I went to another printer and found another stapler that is supposed to handle large documents. It was empty and broken.

I finally dug out some binder clips.
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Mentally Impaired?


Why is it that when you email a VP asking for 4 pieces of information in order to add them as a user on a system that they themselves requested they be added to, it ALWAYS goes like this:

8:00 a.m.
Me: "In order to add you to system ABC I need your W, your X, your Y, and your Z codes."

10:00 a.m.
VP: "Here it is. X"

10:01 a.m.
Me: "Thank you for X, but I also need W, Y, and Z.

1:00 p.m.
VP: "X, Y"

1:01 p.m.
Me: "Thank you for X and Y, but I cannot set you up on this system without ALL the information. I need W, X, Y, and Z in order to give you access to this system, please."

3:00 p.m.
VP: "Oh, you need all of it? Sorry. Z"

3:01 p.m.
Me: "I also need W, please."

5:10 p.m.
VP: "W"

I'll warn you all ahead of time, work is really picking up here and I believe I'm about to get swamped. If I seem to be distant or inattentive for awhile you'll know why.
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Pimp Dog

Yo Dawg, wuzzup wit ma bitches?
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Very Serious - Driver's License Data Online

Did you know that every state puts all of your driver's license data online for anyone to see? You can opt out, though, by clicking here.
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Monday Sucks


It's Monday and Monday sucks. That's really all I have to say.

Wait, I have one more thing, speaking of things sucking. Did anyone see my Cowboys play yesterday? Are they TRYING to get the quarterback killed or is it my imagination?
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Schizophrenic Music Order

I've just ordered a buttload of CDs. They broke up my order into multiple shipments for some reason. When I glance over my first shipment I notice that I appear to have a dramatic lack of focus in terms of musical taste. Or maybe I'm just 'diverse' and thus PC and shit? Anyway, for no real reason at all, I'm going to show you my first order of CDs. You see what you think.

Anna Nalick - Wreck Of The Day
Foreigner - 4 (Remastered)
Foreigner - Foreigner (Remastered)
Black Sabbath - We Sold Our Soul For Rock `n' Roll
Scorpions - Bad For Good: The Very Best Of Scorpions
Roberta Flack - Softly With These Songs- The Best Of Roberta Flack
Norah Jones - Come Away With Me
Billy Idol - Greatest Hits
Lenny Kravitz - Greatest Hits
Live Awake: - The Best Of Live
Ozzy Osbourne - The Essential Ozzy Osbourne
Duran Duran - Greatest Hits

It might help you out if I tell you some of the CDs I've purchased in the past few years. Here are just a few:

Kelly Clarkson - Breakaway
ABBA - Greatest Hits
Judas Priest - Greatest Hits 1979-93(?)
Three Doors Down - something or other? can't remember. It was good anyway
Iron Maiden - Greatest Hits
Merrill Bainbridge - Garden(?) - the wife wanted this
Train - 3 CDs in a row, can't remember titles
Sheryl Crow - bought 2 at a time, but I have them all
Shania Twain - bought 2 at a time
Faith Hill - bought 3 at a time, can't remember titles
AC/DC - Back in Black
Shelby Lynne - This Is Shelby Lynne
Paula Cole - (?) Where have all the cowboys gone (?)
Billy Squire - Greatest Hits
Styx - Greatest Hits
Eurythmics - Greatest Hits
Evanescence - the same one that everyone else bought
Fuel - had hemmorhage on it
Collective Soul - 7even something something
Dishwalla - Opaline
Seven Mary Three - the one with Cumbersome on it
Blondie - Greatest Hits
No Doubt - 2 CDs at a time
Stevie Ray Vaughn - several CDs at a time
Traci Lords - technopop something or other

I seem to be a little schizo, but at least there's no rap in there. I have no Eminem or P Diddy or any of that. Any time I want to hear that I eat lunch with my former boss and he cranks it up in his Landrover for me. Or in spite of me. I don't know which, really. But the women look at the Landrover, and they look at the shiny, chromed rims, and they look at him, and they try to hit on him 'cause he's a babe magnet, and we cruise on our way. Whatever. It doesn't do anything for me. I'm not a babe magnet and I don't know anything about everyone in the place gettin' tipsy.
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More Friday Fun!

Ring Ring!

"This is Steve"

"Hey, it's me. The Mechanic says the cam sensor is just totally gone. It's like some magnet or something and it's just not there. So the computer can't get a reading. And that is also screwing up the EGR because it depends on that, too. So, he says they have to take so much apart that they are right there at the timing chain and do we want that replaced since it has over 200,000 miles on it?"

"Oh hell. Yes, replace the timing chain. I'm sure it needs it by now."

"He said to do that they'll have to drain out all the oil and antifreeze. You just changed my oil, didn't you?"

"Yeah, and I put in Mobil 1 fully synthetic, that new high mileage crap that cost $6 a quart. Ask him to use the same stuff, Mobil 1 5W-30 fully synthetic, OK?"


"So, how much did he say this would cost?"

"$500, plus the special oil we want."


"OK, I'll tell him. Bye."


[4 gloriously happy hours later, as I am just sitting down after the overflowing toilet incident]

Ring Ring!

"This is Steve."

"Hey, he says the harmonic balancer is cracked and needs to be replaced and wants to know if we want that done, too."

"The harmonic balancer is cracked?! Oh motherfu .... (pause to catch my breath) .. yes, you kind of need that. So how much to replace that, too?"



"Yep. So, my car should run better after all this?"

"Oh hell yes. It damned well better."
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Bathroom Adventures

There is nothing like the feeling you get when you're sitting on a toilet in a stall quietly doing your business, and you hear someone else in the bathroom flush their toilet and leave.

And you hear their toilet keep running and running.

And soon you hear the distinctive sound of water splashing onto the floor.

Before long a wave of foamy water comes gushing towards your feet, forcing you to pull your pants up as much as you can to keep them from getting soaked.

And the water just keeps on coming, wave after wave. Soon you are sitting alone in the middle of a yellow river that flows like the Mighty Mississippi.

As soon as you can you zip up and slosh your way out, just in time for a member of Management to come in.

"What the hell happened here?!"

This is a truly crappy Friday.
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Spiderman - Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar


Click here
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Half Nekkid Thursday - You Better Run

A face only a gold-digging Japanese woman could love.
No, only kidding.

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Lord of the Rings - Jack Black and Sarah Michelle Gellar

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Lunch with The Captain and The Detective

Here they come to snuff the rooster
Yeah here come the rooster, yeah
You know he ain’t gonna die
No, no, no, ya know he ain’t gonna die

I had lunch with The Captain and The Detective working on The Case of the Attempts to Murder Mr and Mrs Memphis Steve the other day. Some interesting things came out of our conversation.

"Well, Rooster is about to go to prison if he gets into trouble just one more time and he knows it."

"Mr. 'Yo G' has moved on to bigger things, but the attempts to break into your house have his name written all over it."

"Well, 'G' has in the past gone on benders that lasted several days and after they were over his friends would just dump him off at home. What he did once he got there even he couldn't remember, but it was some pretty insane stuff. He had no idea what he was doing."

"Yes, we know all about the 'problem children' up the street. We have arrested them quite a few times."

"Well, I arrested Jeremy once."

"I don't appreciate what you've said about Lt. Dixon. Who is this Secret Service Agent who said these things?"

"You actually live in a nice neighborhoood, but you just happened to have moved into the wrong place at exactly the wrong time. I used to live there myself and it was nice."

"The Chief would normally talk to you personally like you asked, but his daughter just died after a routine surgery. It was very unexpected. She was only 27 and she was at home recovering. There was a blood clot and it killed her."

First of all, I can't imagine what the Chief must be going through right now. How horrible is it to lose your 27-year-old daughter after a surgery that was supposed to be no big deal? That has got to be devastating. I can certainly understand why he might be unavailable.

Second, finally getting to talk directly with the higher ups about this case has helped a lot, although if they try to track down my friend in the Secret Service about his personal opinion of Lt. Dixon's handling of the initial situation things could turn upside down in a hurry and get very ugly. I hope that doesn't happen. My friend is not going to back down because he's right and he knows it. I didn't tell them just how many friends I have in the Secret Service or other branches of the U.S. Dept of Justice, but my friend is one of those rare 'true friends' and I'll do anything I can to stand up for him. He has never hesitated to stand up for me. If I have to defend my friend by suing the city then I will.

Third, I didn't know Rooster had been arrested and told that if he messes up once more he's off to Shelby County Correctional. No wonder he was clean and straight for so long and so all-of-a-sudden. But he's clearly sliding down the slope again, with the constant drunken screaming lately. I think he's right on the edge of falling down and winding up in prison soon. I don't see him being strong enough to fight it. He's just too far gone.

I pretty much figured 'Yo G' had moved on to bigger things, but I didn't know just who else knew or how far it has gone. I certainly didn't know that he had come home so messed up that he did insane things to his own house and then couldn't remember any of it. I've never even seen 'G' messed up before.

So, there you have it. Nice town, nice neighborhood, bad timing, bad location right next to big trouble. But the big trouble is all right on the edge of prison, which would quiet things down a good bit. And Jeremy is moving out. Life could improve pretty dramatically very soon. That would sure be nice. Even so, we plan to move if we can. This is just not home to either one of us.
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Craptacular Fugliness!

You're ugly and your momma dresses you funny!
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Ford Mustangs, The United Way, and Race For The Cure

This weekend The Woman I Am Currently Married To and I went to test drive a Nissan Xterra. She thinks she may want one and she may want me to buy it for her. She picked one out that she liked and we drove it around. She liked everything except the horsepower. She wants more "go." You can get one with a supercharger, or at least I saw some used ones listing a supercharger. Maybe I should mention it to her?

Before we left I decided to look at a new Mustang GT. I like the bodystyle of the newest ones better than the Honda-like body of the previous model. In fact, I hated the previous model. I test drove one in 1994, while looking for any remaining '93 GTs that they might have on their lot. It was a huge lot. But they had sold them all. There was not a single '93 GT remaining. "No problem," the salesman assured me, "because the new Mustangs are infinitely superior to the previous body style. You'll see." Then he tossed me the keys so we could go for a ride. The '94 GT sounded good. They tuned the exhaust for a nice rumble, but it was not fast and it looked and felt like a Honda Accord to me. If I wanted a Honda Accord I'd buy a Honda Accord. "No thanks."

Now they have a new Mustang, designed by some guy in a contest or something like that. It looks great. I sat in the driver's seat and started checking where everything is located before starting it up and driving off. The first thing I noticed was that my head rests against the doorframe. I adjusted the seat every way I could, but it did no good. The side of head was against the body of the car, just above the driver's door. Not against the roof itself, which was fine, but against the area just above the window. What the hell?

How dangerous is this? All I have to do is hit a hard bump and all the shock is transferred from the car to my head. Who thought this was a good idea? Has no one from Ford ever sat in this car? Perhaps they're all extremely short at Ford? I'm only 6 feet tall, for crying out loud, and I can't sit in this fucking car without risking a concussion? No wonder they sell more trucks than anything.

Maybe I need to try one of their convertibles instead?

My Dad once told me that he wanted to buy a Mustang way back in the '60s when they were brand new. He went to a dealer and everything. But when he sat in the car his head was pressed up against the roof and he had to duck. There was no way in hell he could drive that car. Carroll Shelby once said that the Mustang was designed to be a "secretary's car" and not intended as anything more. At the time, almost all secretaries were women and the average woman was no more than 5'5" or 5'6". The relatively low roof was not an issue for them. In fact, when I drove Suzie's '60s Mustang back in high school I don't recall having any trouble with my head hitting the roof, but my dad is taller than I am.

I had noticed, and I can't recall if I ever blogged about it or not, but I have never seen a new Mustang being driven by a man. Not once that I can recall. I see them every day driving to and from work, always being driven by a woman, and usually by a girl who looks to be in high school. I see no guys in new Mustangs these days. I had thought that was odd, especially considering how incredibly popular the '84-93 models had been with hot rod guys. After all, the new Mustangs look so much cooler than the previous Honda-cloned ones. You'd think hotrod guys would be buying them up. But they apparently aren't.

Now I guess I know why. Dammit. This is annoying, but maybe there is something I'm missing, a way to lower the seat so I don't have this problem? I really liked the car otherwise. It was tight and solid and smooth.

Oh well, maybe I'll test drive a new Pontiac GTO?

This morning as I was walking into work after parking way the hell out in the boondocks I saw a huge banner for the United Way emblazoned across our front entrance. In typical United Way fashion it featured a white girl, a black girl, and an Oriental girl. There were, of course, no boys at all. The United Way used to try to disguise its' screaming anti-male bias, putting numerous shelters that prohibit males under the listing "family shelters" without ever admitting that no male family members are allowed in any of them, no matter how dire their circumstances or great their need. I found this out by calling every single fucking "family" shelter on their list and asking them about admitting males. They all said, "no."

The United Way apparently took a lot of heat over their sexism, so in order to deal with the problem they simply stopped issuing the lists which were used to contact the shelters and talk to them directly. No list, no problem. See how that works?

In the past when our employers twisted our arms and told us that we are all going to give to the United Front, I mean, Way, they would give us lists and allow us to designate where we wanted our money to go. Apparently the new United Way, in true 'progressive' fashion, did not like the results of this and so removed our option to choose. No pro-choice at the United Way, no sir. Not when the results aren't to their liking. All money now goes to their central office and they will decide who is more deserving. We, the donor, cannot be trusted to make the 'correct' choice.

Or maybe that is just the way my current employer does it? I'd be curious to know, does your employer push you to donate to the United Way? Do they give you a list to let you choose where your money goes or do they just take it and give you no say?

On a related note, the Race For The Cure here in Memphis has been extremely controversial for as long as I have been living in Memphis. Some Memphis women took the race, which the central office claims was never intended to be for women only, and made it a women only/no men allowed event.

My Wife and I found this out the hard way, as we tried to sign up to run together like we do every race. They informed her that she was welcomed, but that I most certainly was not. So we informed them that we run together or not at all and left.

This no-males-allowed policy cut the potential funding in half, but made them very popular with corporate America, ever anxious to appease extremist movements. So the race began receiving huge sums of money, not from individuals, but from large corporations in Memphis, which as everyone knows are mostly run by gutless sociopaths. When runners protested the sexism a pathetic and half-hearted response was given, "it enhances the woman-experience to exclude men."

Shortly thereafter the women in charge of the Memphis race declared that they were mysteriously bankrupt despite the hurricane Katrina-like inflow of corporate cash they had been receiving, and freely spending apparently. All the money disappeared and the large Memphis headquarters was shut down. There was no investigation or explanation.

Why did a once-per-year charitable race have a large, year-round headquarters in the first place? That was a question I wanted to hear answered, but our local news media refused to ask. So the horde of dollars and the women spending it both disappeared. Poof! No questions asked and no refunds.

The next year a supposedly new group of women took up the cause and the race continued, but now with males allowed to run, too. Apparently these were truly not the same women as before. Donations came pouring in, as always, and everything was back to business as usual.

Saturday, while driving home from Shelby Farms, I passed a large, brand new, very expensive, silver BMW . Painted down the side was a huge pink bow and the words "Race For The Cure."

Yes, this is what your donations are being used for, among other things, to buy this woman a very expensive, high-end, silver BMW. Aren't you proud?

That's how it's done here in Memphis.
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Binsk was recently talking about a term people in her area have been using to describe women who date younger men, and lately any woman over 30. She said they're calling them 'cougars.'

I've never heard this term before. Someone mentioned Demi Moore because she's dating Ashton Kutcher, who is quite a bit younger than her.

So I'd like to say, even though I haven't put Demi Moore on my IDH list as yet, I most certainly would. I don't know how many years older than me she is, but if I were single like Ashton and she grabbed me and said, "Do me baby and make me moan like an overacting porn star" I would most certainly not be thinking, "oh, but she's older than me. I don't know if I can."

Would you?

As for Ashton Kutcher, am I the only one who has noticed that Ashton seems a little off? I don't mean to slam him. It's just that his fame came young and fast and ever since he has reminded me of a guy I went to school with who was extremely popular, but did way too much partying. He was like a big, overgrown kid. He never grew up and he didn't seem to know how. All the girls throwing themselves at him just seem to make it worse. He was stuck.

That's what Ashton reminds me of.

I mean, all the women love him, but every photo I see of him, he looks like he's hiding behind some new 'look' or a stupid hat or Demi. I think his fame is more than he can handle, which is perfectly understandable. But Demi has been handling it for 20 years and at this point it most likely doesn't phase her.

I think Ashton is hiding behind her the way Paris Hilton and several other celebrities occasionally hide behind those stupid little dogs. I hate those little dogs.

And getting back to Demi, I guess she doesn't mind getting laid from a guy young enough to still have a perpetual erection. And if someone were to call her a 'cougar' I'm betting she wouldn't give a rat's ass. She's getting what she wants and so is he. And she knows she's hot.
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Don't You Hate It - For Guys

Don't you hate it when you just get out of the shower in the morning and you dry off and put on a clean new pair of underwear and then you need to pee and when you do it dribbles down your sack and gets soaked up by the fresh underwear?

Yeah, I hate that shit.
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Libertarian Rant, Apparently

I'm just a hair to the right of Libertarian. I think most of the Republican representatives have no balls or convictions and most of the Democrat reps sold their souls in exchange for power and money. Every time the Democrats make a blanket accusation of the Republicans (they're greedy, they're hateful, they're rich) it turns out to be truer of the accusers themselves than of the accused. And the Republican counter-attacks are always weak and tired, as if they barely thought about it and don't really care one way or the other. They're spiritless. They have no fight in them because they really don't care all that much. It isn't heartlessness, it's apathy. They don't rock the boat because they don't care all that much one way or the other. They have become comfortably numb.

There are virtually no leaders in Washington, only posers and narcissists, corporate lawyers and trial attorneys, each playing a game from the perspective of someone who knows how to bend the rules for fun and profit, how to abuse the system, some with a few morals still intact but most without. It's office politics taken to a whole new level, and like the office, the meanest, angriest, most evil sociopaths often rise up to the highest heights, hiding amongst the others and trying hard to appear as caring sheep-like leaders: "Do it for the children. There is an epidemic of violence against women. End global poverty." They rely on sweet-sounding words, which when investigated always turn out to be false and misleading for purposes of pure manipulation. They change the definitions of words without a thought because words are simply tools for them, tools to deceive in order to receive ever greater power. They acknowledge no Truth because to do so would require them to acknowledge that they themselves are habitual liars.

Sex Offenders

On the subject of sex offenders, both male and female, if the courts were just and fair, I'd say that if it is reasonable to think they’d do it again then execute them. Or if the single instance of their crime was especially bad, especially vicious and cruel, then it is death for them. No sexual mutilation, that's just making a very angry person much angrier. It serves no legitimate purpose.

And it's unconstitutional for a good reason.

Politicians, and judges and prosecutors are politicians, cannot be trusted with the power to torture or sexually mutilate a citizen, no matter what justification they give, no matter how much emotion they can illicit from the masses to gain their support. History supports this in countless instances. Our Constitution and its' strict limitations on the power of the State is based on a vast wealth and excellent understanding of history, not ever-changing emotions as has become so popular among lawmakers of today's ADHD society.

Anyone who viciously rapes someone of either gender, or mutilates the genitals of another out of a jealous rage, this person forfeits their right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Execute them, not for revenge, but for the protection of the people. Society is under no obligation whatever to risk being attacked again by someone like that. And by the way, attacking a man's genitals is sexual battery, even if the assailant was just mad, jealous, or drunk. Plenty of rapists are just mad, jealous, or drunk, too. Lock them all up, male and female. But the politicians are scared to death to prosecute females for sexually assaulting or battering male victims. So they never do.

Lorena Bobbitt is a violent sex offender. She bragged to her friends months in advance that she was going to do what she did if he ever cheated on her. She told the police that she did it because she was mad that he had an orgasm and she didn't. Then she changed her story and claimed to be the "real victim." She cried 'rape' to avoid the consequences for a premeditated sexual hate crime. She should be registered as a violent sex offender like any man would be. It wasn't her first violent sex crime. The police knew the Bobbitt's address by heart and knew her to be a vicious and violent woman who frequently expressed her violence in attacks on her husband's genitals. All the neighbors knew, too, as one of her attacks on John's groin took place in the driveway. She repeatedly pummeled his groin with a broomstick while he lay helpless on the ground. The final attack was by far the worst and the only one most people heard about, but it wasn't the only attack by any means. After Lorena got away with her crime there were endless copycat crimes, most barely reported, and almost all with the same results, except that most of the male victims could not be restored because the women learned from Lorena's crime and destroyed the severed genitals in a secondary premeditated sexual hate crime. Almost none of these women did any time for their crimes (the longest sentence I saw was 72 days) and not one was charged as a sex offender. It would have been "politically incorrect" even though it would have been just and right. One woman chopped off her husband's testicles as he slept because he had simply danced with another woman at the party they had just attended together. She was arrested, but the state declined to prosecute her.

The courts are not just and fair. Politics and corruption increasingly prevent justice in our courts. So let it be life without parole for vicious sex offenders and the wrongly convicted can at least try to prove their innocence over time, as they have successfully done over and over again in the past several years, proving repeatedly why sexual mutilation would be a horrific mistake as punishment for any crime. Because no matter how horrible the crime the wrong person will on occasion be convicted for it. In some areas, with some prosecutors, the wrong person will frequently be convicted.

If their crime is such that they serve a set sentence and are then let out again then leave them the hell alone. No signs in their yards, no microchips in their necks, no collars on their ankles. If it is highly probably that they'll repeat their crimes, as in the case of pedophiles, then their sentence should allow for no parole. If it is almost certain that they'll do it again then don't let them out in the first place. Sentence them to life without parole.

Drugs, Guns, Seatbelts, Helmets, and Child Safety Seats

I do not see how the State can criminalize the growing of a particular plant. I am not a lawyer and I'm sure if it were properly explained to me then I might understand it, but I cannot see arresting someone because there is marijuana growing in their yard. There should at least be some sort of evidence of criminal intent.

I most certainly cannot and will not agree with the confiscation of the accused person's home, car, bank account, etc no matter what they are accused of. This is unconstitutional and was passed by using the false claim that drug dealers are all billionaires who get away because they have the best lawyers. If this were a good reason for violating the Constitution then the same methods should be applied to corporate CEOs charged with theft of company money, millionaire Senators charged with various money-laundering crimes, a President up for impeachment for perjury, or a former professional football player charged with double murder. This should never have been allowed and if our representatives in Congress had honored their legally binding oaths of office to uphold the Constitution then it never would have been.

I do believe the State has the legal authority to criminalize the public use of various substances, but I think the Voters should ultimately make that decision. If the People’s Republic of California wants to legalize marijuana then I think they can. But if the Federal Government makes it illegal for the entire nation I also think it can. I just don't think it necessarily should. I think it oversteps its' bounds when it does that without a highly compelling reason.

The entire Bill of Rights was written to define the rights of THE PEOPLE. It is made perfectly clear by the authors and there is no confusion or mistaking of this fact. Those who deny this always do so in order to excuse blatant violations of the Rights of the People. They should be impeached immediately.

The 1st and 2nd Amendments are both very clear. No government, state or federal, can prohibit a citizen from worshipping God, even if they want to pray over their lunch in a public school. Nor can they limit our speech prior to an election, especially if said speech is about the election. The right of THE PEOPLE to keep and bare arms means that we, The People, do not have to justify why we want our guns because it is OUR RIGHT. The free exercise of a Right does not have to be explained or justified to anyone, especially not to our various governments, even if the gun is really, really scary-looking to Senator Schumer.

Driving is not a right, because we drive on public roads which the government built using our tax money. Thus, the government can take your license away, but I do not think they should be allowed to take your car.

I also don't think it should be permissible for the sale of a car to be taxed more than one time. Once the sale of a car is taxed I think that car should be marked as 'paid' and no subsequent sales should ever be subject to any further taxation.

Once I am deemed old enough for a driver's license I think I am either to be viewed and treated as an adult or else the government should be liable for any recklessness and carnage that I may cause. That is to say, if Big Tobacco is to blame for people smoking and Gun Manufacturers are to blame for criminals abusing guns, especially stolen guns, then Big Government is to blame if I run you down with my car. That is, unless I am an adult and allowed to make all of my own decisions, as an adult should be. And if the same government who gave me my license is not liable for what I do, then neither is Big Tobacco or the Gun Manufacturers.

I think the view that Big Government is a good substitute for parents, and that even adult Americans are too dumb to be responsible for their own health, lives, and children, leads to a grossly immature and irresponsible society and a horribly oppressive tyranny.

I am an adult. I am more qualified to decide what is best for me than any government politician or government employee of some deeply embedded, bullshit, tax dollar dependent, social program. Thus, if I don't want to wear a helmet on a motorcycle that is my decision to make and no one has the right to make the decision for me. Freedom requires that all free men have the freedom to make stupid decisions even if those decisions may hurt or kill them.

If I want to drive without wearing a seatbelt then that is my decision. The only justification ever given for seatbelt laws is that they save lives, thus reducing the cost of insurance. This is not a valid reason for this law. Not allowing any of us to drive at all would save even more lives. Never allowing any of us to leave our houses for any reason would save still more lives. But Freedom requires that we permit risk and foolish choices. Either we are free or we are not. I am unwilling to live in my Mother's house wrapped in a plastic bubble that I am never allowed to leave because trapping citizens in plastic bubbles in their mother’s houses "saves lives."

Child seat laws are Big Mother going overboard and taking large doses of Valium. Worse than that, they are totally corrupt. The manufacture and sale of this year's approved child seat is the biggest racket since the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA.) Sexist female supremacists testified falsely before Congress to get $4.6 billion and then had it raised to $10 billion, all based entirely on already disproved lies and heavily marketed hysteria. There is no War On Women and never has been. This was a book of hate written by Marilyn French and was based on her hatred of men, not the other way around. Studies by non-politically affiliated or funded researchers, both male and female, have repeatedly disproved the entire basis for the VAWA, but politics trumps truth almost every time and several of these researchers were both threatened and physically attacked by feminist recipients of the massive slush fund. It is a scam run by terrorists.

Child seats are a great way to tax parents and prevent carpooling. As if it isn't expensive enough to raise a child, now you have to buy a new child seat every single year. And despite the cheap materials used to make them, despite the low cost of their manufacture, they cost parents a bundle. And oh by the way, you may not reuse them with your next child because by the time he is big enough to sit in it Big Mother will have decreed that your old child seat, which was good enough for the previous child, is now horrifyingly dangerous and unsatisfactory and thus you must destroy it immediately. This assures the steady sale of new seats and the enrichment of the very legislators who mandated the use of these plastic buckets for children. It relies almost entirely upon the exploitation of the maternal instincts of a mother. If she refuses to use the seats she is a bad mother. She doesn't love her child. She should be shunned. She should be arrested. At minimum she will be ticketed and before long her photo will be up on a "child seat offender" website for all to see. Shame on you, Bad Mother, you must wear this scarlet letter marking you as evil because you don’t use child seats.

Yes, I'm saying that women are often more susceptible to this particular type of manipulation than men. It relies entirely on fear. It relies on both the fear of a child being hurt or killed as well as the fear of being shunned by society and labeled a "bad parent."

If child seat laws had existed when I was a kid and parents who failed to use them were simply scorned and shunned, My Father would have laughed and thrown us all into the car just like always. We would have ridden in the car exactly as we did, which by the way I might point out we all lived through without the slightest near-death experience. You could call him any name you wanted. You could shun him all you wanted. He couldn't have cared less what you thought. But My Mom, she would have peed her pants trying to figure out how to work the damned things, ultimately having to have My Father explain it to her (yes, seriously) and then she would have bitched and yelled at each and every one of us every single time she drove us anywhere because of the incredible hassle of putting 5 kids into seats and then taking them back out again. She would have made us suffer for you making her suffer. And it would have cost my parents a fortune which they couldn’t have easily afforded. I’m betting very few Americans can easily afford to provide child seats for 5 kids at once.

As for carpooling with child seats, forget about it. We rode to school 3 to a seat, sometimes 4. We wore our seatbelts when we could, and not at all if we couldn't. Sometimes we rode in the back of a stationwagon, sliding free and having a great time. If child seat laws had existed when I was a kid then almost none of my neighbors would have carpooled. They most certainly would not have agreed to ever drive me with them anywhere as almost every family in my neighborhood had at least 4 kids of their own already. I would never have been allowed to play basketball because it was only the fact that my coach lived across the street and drove me to every practice and game that made it possible. With the added frustration and expense of car seats I would most likely have been left to walk to school, ride my bike, or if we had lived close enough to where the bus stopped (we didn’t), to ride the bus.

And I notice that school buses are apparently exempt from child seat laws as well as seatbelt laws. Is it because they aren't really that necessary? Or is it because the Government would have to pay for them and finds the additional cost too much to bear? Why do we add this expense to our already burdened families then? We do we punish average, ordinary heterosexual young couples, most already struggling, who produce the next generation of Americans? We scam them with overpriced plastic child seats and ticket them when their child pops off his seatbelt without their knowledge, as if this is any of the Government's business and is somehow important enough for cops to spend their time worrying about?

Freedom means being free to be stupid. Unfortunately, when free people really are stupid freedom is quickly lost to scams and scam artists.
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Half Nekkid Thursday

long live the queen
Happy Half Nekkid Thursday.

The photo is

over here.

(You have to click the link)
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News Flicker: Al Gore Not Running For President!

Gore: I Don't Plan to Run for President

By MATTIAS KAREN, Associated Press Writer
Parodied by Memphis Steve, Bored Blogger

STOCKHOLM, Sweden - Former Vice President Al Gore said Wednesday he had no intention of ever running for president again, but he said the United States would be "a different country" if he had won the 2000 election, launching into a tirade about the Bush administration.

"I have absolutely no plans and no expectations of ever being a candidate again," Gore told reporters after giving a speech at an economic forum in Sweden. "Because the next race is Hillary's and she'd assassinate me and my entire family in a heartbeat, just like she did to Giuliani and like she's doing right now to Tom DeLay. Bill Frist is next on her hit list and I don't want to join him there. She's a psycho, like General Sherman in the Civil War, and like Sherman she always wins by killing everything in sight."

When asked how the United States would have been different if he had become president, though, he had harsh criticism for Bush's policies.

"We would not have invaded a country that didn't attack us, like Bosnia or Somalia," he said, apparently intending to refer to Iraq. "We would not have taken money from the working families and given it to the most wealthy families like Mark Rich or Don Tyson or me or John Kerry or the McDougals. Our money came mostly from the Chinese and that's entirely different."

"We would not be trying to control and intimidate the news media like we did to NBC or Rush Limbaugh or a host of others. We would not be routinely torturing people because we prefer to just kill them like we did on Ruby Ridge and Waco," Gore said. "We would be a different country."

Gore did not elaborate, although he tried really, really hard. But last year, he blamed Bush administration policies for the inmate hazing scandal at the Abu Ghraib frat house in Iraq.

Mike Feldman, Gore's spokesman, did not immediately comment on Gore's remark when reached by phone in Washington.

"God only knows what he was trying to say," Mr Feldman stated pseudo-anonymously.

Tracey Schmitt, spokeswoman for the Republican National Committee, called Gore's comments "fictitious rants that border on clinical psychosis."

"To accuse Americans of participating in 'routine torture' is absurd and reveals that while Al Gore may no longer be a leader in his party, he still embodies the maniacal hate that guides Democrat leaders in Washington today," Schmitt wrote in an e-mail to The Associated Press which she signed with little hearts and an animated smiley that sticks out its' tongue.

Gore also reiterated his criticism that the Bush administration was too slow in responding to the crisis in New Orleans after the city's levees failed during Hurricane Katrina. He said that should have been predicted.

"There were specific warnings that the levees might break," he said. "But for whatever reason those warnings were not acted upon in a timely way. For instance, when I was in the White House I recall that we allocated ... um .. not one dime to help shore up those levees. Hmmm."

He said the United States and other countries are similarly ignoring the threats that global warming pose to the environment.

"My country is extremely attentive to the slightest increase in a risk from terror, and that's a real problem for my friends in Earth First and PETA," he said. "But why should we be so tolerant of risk where the future habitability of our planet is concerned? The sky is falling I tell you!"

Gore, who now runs a cable TV channel and is the chairman of an investment company that takes money from working families and pays him handsomely with it, did not completely shut the door to future political endeavors.

"I don't completely rule out some future interest, but I don't expect to have that," Gore said.

He then commented, "by the way, have you seen that new show with Geena Davis as the president? Yeah, I hate that bitch."

He declined to comment on New York Sen. Hillary Clinton's inevitable run for the White House in 2008, but he said he believes the country is ready for a Nero-like president.

"Of course a female-supremacist lesbian could get elected president," he said. "I am not going to make any comment on individual candidates. It's quite dangerous."

He then whispered, "the walls have ears, if you know what I mean."


Associated Press reporter Donna Cassata in Washington contributed to this report.
Nude Memphis reporter Steve Jones parodied it to his heart's content.
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Attention Corporate Network Dudes


If you could reduce the bandwith on our network any lower, so that every single thing we need to do takes forever

that would be greeeeaaaaat.

It gives us all a valid excuse for not getting any work done on time. And I hope the money the company saves by slowing us all down to a freakin' crawl is fabulously worth it.
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I Remember #2

I remember back in high school when I brought Mike Keeney and Kevin Kline over to my house. At one point we went upstairs to my room. There was never much to do at my house and it was rare to get to have anyone over. I'm pretty sure I didn't bother to ask permission before they came. We just sort of busted in. Anyway, out of boredom we started looking for fun things to throw into the ceiling fan in my room. We turned it up and I threw cookies into it. They disintegrated and went everywhere. We laughed and laughed. There wasn't much I wouldn't do for a laugh back then. Then I threw a pair of dirty underwear. It hooked onto one of the blades and spun around and around really fast. Then it shot off like a rocket and slammed into the wall before sliding down behind my bed like a dead cat. We laughed and laughed some more. Then we did it again before looking for other fun things to throw into the fan. It's amazing the things 3 teenagers can entertain themselves with.

I remember when one of my sisters stole some money and then put it into my brother's birdhouse after my parents got involved and started looking for it. They always suspected him of everything, including the things she did, and they refused to believe that my sister would ever steal. So if my sister thought she might get caught she could always push the blame off onto my brother. My parents ordered my brother to show them where he had put the money. Of course, since he didn't steal it he had no idea where it was. My sister then helped them search, slowly leading them outside where she miraculously "discovered" it in his birdhouse. My parents then said that if he was going to act like a criminal they would treat him as one. So my mom made him put on his pajamas and she locked him in his room for a week. He could only come out to use the bathroom. My parents never did figure out that my sister had scammed them. This was also the point at which my brother says he sat in that room and decided if he was going to be treated like a criminal then he was going to become one for real.

I remember in the 2nd grade I had heard that some people will write cuss words on the walls in bathrooms. I didn't really understand why anyone did this, but since my older brother had already taught them all to me I decided to try it out. Unfortunately I didn't know how to spell them, as they weren't teaching us the proper spelling of cuss words in the 2nd grade yet. So I made my best guess and wrote them in crayon on our classroom's bathroom wall. I remember when someone found it and told the teacher, Mrs. Pace, she went and looked and came out laughing. Misspelled cusswords written in crayon probably would be funny, but I was only 7 years old. I did the best I could.

I remember playing SuperUnderwear, which was when me and my best friend, Tony, would take our pants off and tie them around our necks like capes. Then we'd run around the yard yelling "SUUUUUUPER Underwear!" I have no idea why this was fun, but we were only about 4 years old at the time. Tony's twin sisters seemed to think it was funny, but my mom sure didn't.

I remember me and my older brother playing "Garbageman" on the back of Dad's new Dodge van. We'd drag the big metal trash cans out and then ride the bumper of the van, pretending we were driving through the neighborhoods emptying people's trash. Ah, what dreams and aspirations we had!

I remember my oldest sister backing her Impala into my middle sister's pickup truck. My youngest sister and I were in the back seat screaming at her, "STOP! STOP! STOP!" She was totally oblivious. And after she hit the truck and put a massive dent in it she said, "huh?" And then, after she got out and looked at the huge, huge dent she made in the driver's side front fender she said, "do you think she'll notice?"

I remember some of the cars Dad bought for us when we turned 16 (at least we were lucky enough to get them.) My oldest sister needed a car and a neighbor had a 1963 Plymouth Valiant he wanted to get rid of. I think Dad paid him $75 for it. Then he had to put another $200 worth of parts in it and a lot of hard work to make it run. It had an automatic transmission, but instead of a shift lever on the steering column or a console it had push-buttons on the dash. It was the tiniest car we had ever seen before and my sisters both ended up driving it like a go-cart. They had a blast with it. It wouldn't go very fast, but it was fun.

I remember Mom's powder blue Ford Galaxy stationwagon. It didn't have power steering or power brakes and Mom was always really weak. Plus, she complained a lot. She also drives with the seat all the way forward so that the steering wheel is practically against her chest. She'd be making a turn, cursing about the lack of power steering, and the wheel would be scraping against her seatbelt buckle as she turned it, making a clacking sound. Scraping, clacking, and cursing, that was my mom driving.

I remember riding in the back of my mom's stationwagon. Sometimes both of the back seats were folded down. Their backs were just sheet metal. So the entire back of the car was just a slippery metal surface when the seats were down. We used to sit back there and slide around while she drove. It was a blast. She later put pillows back there so we could slide better. Today politicians are making millions forcing plastic buckets on all parents and forcing them all to duct tape their children into these buckets lest they escape and have an actual childhood. Clearly our police have nothing better to do than help the politicians sell you a new model bucket for your child each and every year. Because everyone knows that parents are much too immature to make adult decisions about how to raise their own children and carry them in cars. That's what we have governments for.

My mom has a limited vocabulary of curse words. I think she made most of them up on her own. Her two favorite words to say when she's mad are "damn" and "fiddlesticks." And when she's telling a story she always forgets half the names of everything, so everything becomes "whatchamacallit" and "thingamajig."

I remember when my parents had no credit cards and refused to get one because they were too risky. Today they have one. Yes, only one, and it's for emergencies only. Now I'm the one. I refuse to get a debit card. I wouldn't use it anyway, but the banks keep sending them and I keep shredding them.

My parents have one cell phone and it's a disposable thing that Mom gets recharged with more minutes every so often. I don't think my dad even knows she has it. We had to show her how to use it and even with all our instruction she's just barely able to make a call.

I remember in college when my dad got his first remote controlled TV set. The remote was huge and only had 3 buttons - on/off, channel up, and channel down. I don't remember if he bought it at a garage sale or found it in someone's trash. Either scenario is equally likely. And it wasn't as if remote controlled TVs were new or rare. He just never bought one. When I think about it I don't think my parents have a TV in their entire house that is less than 20 years old.

I remember when CDs were a new thing, my best friend, Tony, went out and bought all his favorite music on CDs. He had stacks of CDs everywhere. But he didn't buy a CD player to listen to the CDs on until about 2 years later. Yeah I know. I have no idea why he did that.
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Heineken Celebrates New Orleans

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A Love Letter From My Wife


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Rocket Scientists

You! Yes, you there! Rocket scientist! I'm talking to you!
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Wifeism XIII - Thoughts on America

brown handbag

"The country is going to hell in a handbag," My Wife lamented.

Nevermind, I know what she meant.
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Gay Chinese M&Ms? What the hell is this?!

I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm stressed. I was at work and the power failed and for whatever reason it resulted in some files on my computer disappearing. It relates to the way in which they are updated and the fact that the software makes no effort to back any up before writing to them. Anyway, it is a problem.

On top of this my boss sent word that we are going to be receiving a huge assignment next week. I made it clear when I joined the team what I can do and what I will need training to prepare me to do. I have not had the training I need, but the assignment is on it's way. Hmm, I see a problem here and I have a bad feeling I'm going to be trying to teach myself on the fly.

Also, the power failure at work threw things into chaos and during the resulting havoc I failed to update a field in the database that relates to an application I support. I discovered this tonight, at 2 a.m., as I was checking on how tonight's processing was going. This is bad news as 2 days ' worth of processing have gone by now. I can't remember how involved the recovery from this problem is, but I know it is going to be an issue. Or I think I know. It is late and I am too tired to think clearly.

The Movie Guy wants me to have a scene written and ready to show him by Monday. I wrote a fairly detailed idea into rough draft at work, but forgot to bring it home so I could work on it some more. I wrote another idea at home, but forgot to bring it to work today so I could put it together with the material I wrote at work. While at work I couldn't find the rough draft I wrote there so I started completely over. I'm only half done and now I can't think clearly because I'm so tired.

The photo above has nothing to do with what I'm writing. Normally I try to tie the photo and whatever I have to say together, but tonight I am just falling over. I can't make sense of anything and I keep seeing things moving out of the corner of my eye. Turns out it was a beetle running around that I caught and threw in the toilet, but even so it convinced me that I need to go to bed and get some sleep.

Oh, and the cat is popping out from under the table. That scared the shit out of me just now.

So tired.
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View Into A Dark World

I have a book of police photographs from car accidents and various other accidents and incidents from the 1940s and 50s. I keep looking at the photos of the people lying dead in their cars or on the ground or in their living rooms.

I keep thinking "look how young they were. They had no idea they were going to die that day."

And the clothes, they look so ridiculous.

I know that probably isn't what most people think when they see these photos. Or maybe it is? I really don't know what other people think. I just keep thinking about all the things these people missed and all the things they never saw. They don't even know we once landed a man on the moon or that the Soviet Union collapsed.

I keep looking at the old cars and how well they held up for the most part. Many of the drivers were actually killed because in the old cars the steering column would often get pushed straight back when the front of the car was smashed, crushing the driver's chest and leaving them pinned in their seats, where they died.

One man, who was drunk, fell out of his car and was run over by it just as it hit a tree. He is still under it, with just his feet sticking out in the photograph.

I keep looking at the old clothes and hairstyles and how funny the people look compared to today. Some of them have their feet up in the air and their shoes have come off in the crash. They are in awkward, strange poses that no one would ever choose to be in if they could.

I even look at the garbage in the floor of their cars and the things that have flown out of their trunks. The bottles and bags and boxes are so old. It's like a scene from a museum, but a very strange museum.

The cops' uniforms and cars and motorcycles are visible in many of the photos. They look so funny. It doesn't feel real, but more like something from a fantasy or movie. And the black and white film makes it even stranger. Did they really dress like that?

I keep looking at the faces of the dead people, with blood all over them and their eyes staring blankly. How strange to see someone who died before I was even born. I know nothing about them, but I know how they died and how they looked when it happened. I even know how they were dressed or what they were driving.

But I don't know anything about who they were.
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Half Nekkid Thursday - Half the Man I Used To Be


I'm in class all day, so I won't get to participate much today, dammit!
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Wifeism XII - The Sloshy Part

My Wife had taken a cup of water to the bathroom to take a hot bath and relax while I was doing the dishes. Suddenly she came storming into the kitchen for a towel.

"What's wrong," I asked her.

"I spilled my water," she replied.

"What, all of it?"

"No, just the little sloshy part."
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Miss Savannah Sues Family of Man She Murdered

In countersuit, beauty queen claims she's the 'real' victim

By Emanuella Grinberg, Court TV
Modified Freely By Memphis Steve as obvious parody

(Memphis Poo) A former alleged 'beauty queen' who convinced a mentally impaired female-dominated jury that she shot and killed her unarmed boyfriend in self-defense claims he subjected her to physical and mental abuse in a $2 million countersuit filed against the dead man's family. The countersuit is financed by the Lifetime Network which has requested permission to film the entire trial with Jennifer Lopez standing in for the real killer.

"Oh, this is gold," Lifetime producer Edna Schmegmastien said with obvious excitement. "We're gonna make a fortune off this if we play it right!"

Former Miss Savannah Sharron "Nicole" Redmond filed the claims in unrepentant response to the Shorter family's $10 million wrongful-death suit, alleging the acquitted murderer acted intentionally and maliciously when she shot her ex-boyfriend in a jealous rage in front of the home of his fiancee in 2003.

The suit and counter-suit recently associated with killers who are acquitted has lawyers throughout the United States positively drooling.

"We can make a fortune now that this whole 'double jeopardy' obstacle is gone! Endless lawsuits, here we come. This is SO GREAT!" attorney Jeffrey Buffett Soros ejaculated to reporters as he danced on the courthouse steps.

Redmond alleges in her countersuit that she acted "in reasonable fear for her precious diva life" when she fired her unregistered 44 caliber magnum assault weapon at the unarmed and helpless Shorter, whom she says abused her physically and verbally, placed her under surveillance and continually misled her during their four-year relationship.

"He one time said I looked fat in my jeans," she sputtered, fighting back tears. "And then this other time he slapped me on my ass. He was a monster!"

"Unfortunately for Ms. Redmond, the person she fell in love with and the person plaintiff Kevin Shorter really was were two entirely different persons," the suit claims, apparently indicating that she was sleeping with two different men at the same time. "As a matter of fact, one of his personalities was a white man."

A mostly black and female Georgia jury found Redmond not guilty of aggravated murder in March for the death of Shorter, 24, whom she ruthlessly blew away right in front of his fiancee.

In the two-week criminal trial, Chatham County prosecutors cast Redmond as a jilted lover, egotistical diva, and mad black woman who went to the home of Shorter's fiancee armed with an enormous gun and the intent to kill her on-again, off-again sex partner, after she found out about his engagement.

Redmond, who was crowned Miss Savannah, to Savannah's undying shame, did not deny she fired the shot that took Shorter's life three days later, because there were too many witnesses who saw her do it.

So instead, the psychotic high school teacher took a page right out of a Julia Roberts movie and told a panel of nine black women and three pathetic men that she acted in self-defense when she saw Shorter reach into his car for what she 'assumed' was a gun.

The panel also heard from Shorter's fiancee, Rachel Hall, who testified that he had an enormous penis and knew how to use it. She also testified that Redmond showed absolutely no sign of being in fear for her life, did not appear to be reacting to anything Shorter did, but instead just whipped out her gun and started blasting while screaming "if I can't have it, no one can!"

Redmond was initially charged with aggravated assault for shooting Shorter on Dec. 16, 2003 because he wasn't dead yet.

When Shorter, whose femoral artery was severed by the bullet, indicating she was aiming for his groin, died in the hospital three days later, Redmond was charged with murder.

The defense also suggested that the gunshot was nonfatal, might have been fired by an unknown white man hiding "on a grassy knoll," probably happened before she even got there, and highlighted that fact that medical personnel allegedly severed an artery in Shorter's chest that bled undetected for three days until someone noticed it just before he died.

"Oops," a hospital spokesman who wish to remain anonymous was quoted as saying.

A lawyer for the Shorter family said his clients wanted to clear their son's name and prevent Redmond from 'profiting off' the killing, which she fully intends to do now that Markie Post and an entourage of script writers are prowling around town.

"They want to make sure everybody hears about who Kevin Shorter really was because most of what the jury in the criminal trial heard came from a bad Farrah Fawcett movie," Jeffrey Lasky stated incorrectly (in fact it came from a bad Julia Roberts movie.) "Georgia law did not allow the DA to talk about Kevin's character or his life, but the civil case will only be about Kevin."

He said he also intended to present medical evidence to dispel suspicions that malpractice could have caused Shorter's death.

"It will play a significant role in making the jury understand that what killed Kevin was that self-serving, egotistical, fat, psychotic, it's-all-about-me, show-me-the-money, crack smokin' bitch, Nicole Redmond," Lasky exhorted. "You can never change the fact that, in a jealous rage, she pointed the gun, pulled the trigger and killed an unarmed man while he talked to his wife-to-be."

Redmond's lawyer, however, says his client firmly maintains the position she took in the criminal trial because it worked, she got away with it, and now she's going to get rich.

"This is a clear case of self-defense where Nicole Redmond was clearly the 'real' victim," defense lawyer Michael Schiavone said as he made quote marks in the air while saying 'real victim.' "We've always believed that and the jury fell for ... I mean, confirmed it."

"But this is a situation where the Shorter family brought this to court. She has moved on with her life and had hoped that everyone else involved could do the same," Schiavone said and then added "except, of course, Kevin, whom she blew away in a violent jealous tantrum 'cause she's a fucking psycho. Wait, don't write that down!"
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Stalkers in Cars

This is not my story, but I overheard the Coworker Who Looks Like a Fantasy Art Painting talking about this, so since she doesn't blog herself I'm stealing it.

My attractive female coworker who looks like a comic book cover because her proportions are straight out of the fantasy of a teenage boy attracts more attention than she really wants every now and then.

Yes, I swear it's true. There are times when a woman attracts attention from the rest of the world and she doesn't want to. Apparently this weekend was one of those times.

She was driving along in her truck when she noticed some guy following her. Actually he wasn't so much following her as chasing frantically after her. Apparently he had seen her as she was getting into her truck or something and he said to himself, "Holy mother of God, WHO is THAT?!!!!"

This is another way of saying, 'SCHWIIIIING!'

He decided that he would most likely never see this vision in a pickup truck again and thus must take drastic and immediate action. There was no time for playing it cool. There was no time to be casual. There was only just barely enough time for frantic panicked desperation.

So he leapt into his car and chased after her as fast as he could.

At the first light he could get next to her he begged for her phone number. He begged to know her name. He begged, which women usually don't find very attractive.

My impossibly attractive female coworker is a fun-loving person, but she has limited patience. She wasn't keen on the begging and not overjoyed at being followed by this shell-shocked man in a car. So she took off. And he chased her. Eventually he gave up, possibly going home to cry at what was seemingly almost within his grasp and yet so far out of reach.

Yes, she inspires this kind of reaction in men sometimes, tears, actual tears.

So yesterday she was telling this story, sort of laughing and sort of nervous, which leads me to conclude that the idea of chasing a beautiful woman in your car and trying to get her phone number is probably not a very effective approach. I'll have to make a note of that. Too bad I didn't know this back in high school. I could have saved a lot of gas.
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Court Overturns Verdict Because Jurors Read Bible

Top US court OKs Bible use death penalty rejection


WASHINGTON (Nude Memphis Parody) - The U.S. Supreme Court let stand on Monday a ruling that overturned the death penalty for a Colorado murderer because jurors during deliberations might have been improperly influenced by passages from the Bible, a ruling that could potentially precede the prohibition of Christians from serving on juries.

The justices declined to review a Colorado Supreme Court ruling that imposed a sentence of life imprisonment for Robert Harlan because jurors brought a Bible into the jury room and discussed the passage about an "eye for eye, tooth for tooth."

Jurors also brought the latest issue of "Playboy Magazine" into the jury room and discussed the physical attributes of American college coeds as well as their turn-ons and turn-offs, but the judges said Playboy's well known leftist slant was not considered an improper influence because they agree with it.

Without comment or recorded dissent, the nation's top court rejected an appeal by Colorado prosecutors who argued the introduction of the Bible into death penalty jury deliberations did not in any way violate the defendant's constitutional right to a fair trial and questioned why the Playboy was not mentioned.

Harlan was convicted and sentenced to death in 1995 for the kidnapping, rape and murder of a cocktail waitress who was on her way home from work at a casino. He also was convicted of shooting another woman who had given the waitress a ride.

According to the evidence, jurors brought a Bible, a Bible index and hand-written notes containing the location of passages into the jury room to share with another juror. The other juror brought the Playboy, with yellow sticky notes marking favorite nude coeds and hand-written notes about their turn-ons.

One passage stated: "Eye for eye, tooth for tooth, as he has caused disfigurement of a man, so shall it be done to him. And whoever kills an animal shall restore it, but whoever kills a man shall be put to death."

It was not immediately known if this passage was in the Bible or the Playboy.

A trial judge overturned the death sentence after concluding that a possibility existed that use of the Bible would influence a reasonable juror to vote for the death penalty and that the Playboy had been stolen out of her chambers without her permission or knowledge.

The judge allowed no discussion of Playboy's influence with its' well-established anti-death penalty stance and quickly added, "I only subscribe to this for my nephew. It's not for me, I swear. Not that there's anything wrong with that."

The Colorado Supreme Court agreed. "We can no longer say that Harlan's death sentence was not influenced by passion, prejudice or some other arbitrary factor," it ruled without specifying which if any of these were believed to have infiltrated the jury and why such factors are cited by leftist judges in justifying their own rulings every single day.

The Court then added, "we simply cannot allow something like the word of God to have any place in this state. We prefer murderers and rapists over Christians and God's laws."

Governor Herod of Colorado issued a statement saying, "I wash my hands of this."

Colorado is a state infamous for its' rabid anti-Christian stances among wealthy elitists in its' higher offices and courts. The state has in recent years been trying hard to compete with San Francisco and the 9th Circuit Court of Appeals for the title of "most committed to communism."
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Bush Appoints Souter and O'Connor to Supreme Court

Bush Chooses Souter and O'Connor for Supreme Court - No, Wait ...

By DEB RIECHMANN, Associated Press Writer
Modified for Parody By MEMPHIS STEVE

WASHINGTON - President Bush nominated White House counsel Sandra Day Harriet Miers-O'Connor to the Supreme Court on Monday, turning to a lawyer who has never been a judge to replace Sandra Day O'Connor, a judge who has never stood firmly by any decision, and help reshape the nation's judiciary to look more like Gumby.

"She was once a little green slab of clay," Bush said as his first Supreme Court pick, Chief Justice David John Roberts-Souter, took the bench for the first time just a few blocks from the White House while dressed as Darth Vader and breathing quite heavily.

A New York Times reporter who mocked new Chief Justice Roberts-Souter began suddenly choking unexplainably and died on the steps of the courthouse.

If confirmed by the Republican-majority/Democratic-controlled Senate, Miers-O'Connor, 60, would join Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg as the second woman on the nation's highest court, the third to serve there, and perhaps the first to ask "why the fuck are we still assigning numbers to women and blacks in politics?" Miers-O'Connor was the first woman to serve as president of the Texas State Bartenders Association and the Dallas Bar Association and the four-hundred thousandth female attorney to graduate from the University of Texas School of Law approximately a million years ago.

Senate Republicans said they would press for confirmation by Thanksgiving — a tight timetable by recent standards that allowed less than eight weeks for lawmakers to review her record, hold hearings and buy enough beer and chips for the Thanksgiving Day football jamboree at Hillary Clinton's giant party palace.

Sen. Arlen Specter, Dark Lord of the Sith and chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said he intended to talk to Miers-O'Connor later in the day "about how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and will she join me on the Dark Side of the Force as my new apprentice."

O'Connor, known as "Barbie" by the other Justices, has been the court's most indecisive airhead in recent years, casting deciding votes and then changing them several times at the last minute, ultimately voting to uphold the 1973 ruling that invented a constitutional right to an abortion, sustaining discriminative action programs and striking down the death penalty.

When asked about her votes on such cases she frequently stated that she wasn't really sure why and couldn't actually remember how she finally voted.

Within hours of Bush's announcement in the Oval Office, Miers-O'Connor travelled to the Capitol to begin making pancakes for the senators who will vote on her nomination.

"I think the flip-flop action of making them is a terrific symbolic gesture," she said while being filmed for "Good Morning America."

Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., and the only non-lawyer in the Senate, was first on the list to receive pancakes.

His welcome was a statement in fact. "With these pancakes I will eat breakfast," it said.

Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid was complimentary, issuing a statement that said he likes Miers-O'Connor's cooking and adding "the Supreme Court would benefit from the addition of a justice who has real experience as a practicing lawyer and a really nice ass."

At the same time, he said he looked forward to the "process which will help the American people understand how a crucifixion actually takes place."

He then added, "by the way, have you seen that great new show with Geena Davis as the President?"

Reid had personally recommended that Bush consider Miers-O'Connor for nomination, a sign of trouble if ever there was one. Of equal importance as the White House maps its' confirmation campaign is that the Nevada Democrat had warned Bush that the selection of any judge who actually follows the Constitution and Bill of Rights could trigger a vicious feeding frenzy and all out war by Democrats.

"I'm not saying it definitely would," he stated to the President, "I'm just sayin' ... well, I'm just sayin' is all."

Other Democrats sounded anything but conciliatory. "The president has selected another Nazi warmongering fascist male-chauvanistic Christian capitalist pig oppressor without a judicial record to shit on for the highest court in the land," spewed Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif. and former Sith apprentice.

At the same time, Republican strategists who spoke on condition of anonymity said they have no idea who the hell Roberts-Souter is or what he stands for, but indicate a feeling of a great disturbance in The Force.

"Something evil is happening," one Republican strategist stated, "but the Dark Side has shrowded the truth so that we cannot see."

Miers-O'Connor, whom Bush called a rodeo clown for women in the legal profession, whatver the hell that means, said she was humbled by the nod, but makes a lousy omlette.

"If confirmed, I recognize I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system guessing and to help insure the court meets their obligations to strictly apply our feelings as they change with the wind," she said.

Whatever the hell her credentials for the high court are, Miers-O'Connor's loyalty to Bush — who once called her a pit boss in size 6 shoes — is above question to radical leftists. When he first decided to run for governor in the early 1990s, he hired Miers-O'Connor to comb his background for anything derogatory that opponents might try to use to defeat him.

Having all of this dirt on him may have helped her to receive this appointment, some speculate.

Federal Election Commission records show Miers-O'Connor contributed $1,000 to Bush when he first ran for the White House in 2000 and $5,000 to the Bush-Cheney Recount Fund in the post-election struggle that finally sealed his victory over Al Gore.

But in true O'Connor tradition, she also donated $1,000 to Gore when he sought the White House.

There was little outright opposition to Miers-O'Connor in the first few hours after her selection was announced — and what there was came from conservative pro-life groups, another indication that she is a clone of Sandra Day O'Connor.

"It's not that we don't know anything about her, it's the small pieces of information we do know that are disappointing. For example, she's Southern Methodist, a religion notoriously pro-abortion, pro-communist, anti-Christ, and flamingly gay," said Troy Newman of Operation Rescue.

Hillary Clinton, D-NY and life-long Southern Methodist, responded, "I resent the living hell out of that."

Senator Clinton then added, "by the way, have you seen that great new show with Geena Davis as the President?"

White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the president had seriously considered 12 to 15 contenders for the job. He said more than one Democratic senator had broached Miers-O'Connor's name to the president, but declined to identify them for fear of being assassinated by Barbara Streisand, the mercenary whom all the Democrats' clone army were originally created from.

The president offered the job to Miers-O'Connor Sunday night over pancakes in the White House residence. He met with Miers-O'Connor on four occasions during the past couple weeks, officials said, although one of those meetings simply involved accidently knocking her down in a collision in the hall.

"Having never served as a judge, Miss Miers-O'Connor has no `paper trail' of judicial decisiveness, and prospective opponents and supporters alike thus will have a hard time identifying positions to protest or complain about," said Supreme Court historian David Garrow. "What's more, Miss Miers-O'Connor's professional record as an attorney in Texas is undeniably one of significant achievement and accomplishment, and her proponents will be able to present her as a female rodeo clown whose life-record is at least arguably comparable to that of Justice O'Connor."


Known for thoroughness and her low-profile, Miers-O'Connor is one of the first staff members to arrive at the White House in the morning and among the last to leave, a factoid that means absolutely nothing beyond perhaps indicating that she is a slow worker who surfs the net a lot or is perhaps simply trying to avoid the hassle of rush-hour traffic in the infamous narrow and crowded streets of Washington D.C.

When Bush named her White House counsel in November 2004, the president described Miers-O'Connor as a lawyer with keen judgment and discerning intellect — "a trusted adviser on whom I have long relied for straightforward advice and who has a shitload of dirt on me."

He also joked of Miers-O'Connor, "When it comes to a cross-examination, she can roll up the dough and throw it in the pan, baking a cake as fast as she can."
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