MARCH 30--In a violent confrontation between the ShamWow Guy and a South Beach prostitute, there is no doubt which combatant took the worst of the battle. As seen in the mug shots, Sasha Harris, 26, was left with a pair of black eyes and other injuries after tangling with Vince Shlomi, 44, in a room at the swanky Setai hotel. As The Smoking Gun reported, Shlomi told cops that he met Harris in a Miami Beach nightclub and later paid her about $1000 for "straight sex." But when the TV pitchman tried to kiss Harris, she allegedly bit his tongue and would not let go. Shlomi told cops that he punched Harris several times until she released his bleeding tongue. Shlomi and Harris were both treated at the Mount Sinai Medical Center before being booked for felony aggravated battery. Prosecutors this month declined to pursue formal charges against either brawler because it's just too embarrassing.

"You'll be amazed at what this thing can do."

That'll be $1000, please, Big Boy

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I've won "a major award!" I'm always shocked when I get one of these. ♥ÐÅyÐяєÅмє®♥, from a land far, far away has declared me to be a Philosopher. Who knew I had it in me? But thank you for this.

We here in America are installing government cameras on every street and corner, just like in the book "1984", in order to make sure that the innocent aren't innocent for very long.

The Wall Street Journal reported that citizens are increasingly enraged by the constant mechanical policing and harassment, but law enforcement, as always, insists that this presumption of citizens' guilt is "necessary" to help them better police us all, as our cities become nothing more than large, heavily populated prisons complete with guards always looking over everyone's shoulder, waiting for an excuse to charge everyone with wrongdoing.

"For all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" - everyone will break the law if monitored long enough. It's simply a matter of time.

Meanwhile, the police themselves are dealing with patrol cars that have been fitted with both video cameras as well as GPS systems, enabling the central command center to monitor their every move and micromanage them day in and day out. This makes for very happy, satisfied police officers, of course, because everyone likes to be micromanaged while simultaneously dealing with drunks, gang bangers, and ordinary citizens who are increasingly enraged at their own state of constant surveillance and resulting loss of liberty.

I've noticed that the front page of the Wall Street Journal was designed specifically for poop-reading. It has all the most important headlines listed, with a small summary of the stories, in a long column down the left side of page one. It's just right for sitting on a toilet scanning the world's events. It's as if they created it just for me!

I've noticed that since moving from a mini-truck (4-cylinder 'ute') to a full-sized V8 4-wheel-drive complete with shining steel brush guard, other drivers treat me differently. I drive exactly the same as I did before, except that I tend to fall back a little further behind the car in front of me due to my vehicle being heavier and harder to stop. But the other drivers seem to react as if I were doing the opposite and riding their asses. They screw with me more than ever and display more passive/aggressive rage than I'm accustomed to after so many years of driving my mini. I drove my mini-truck like a go-cart. It wasn't much more than one anyway. But whenever the passive/aggressives screwed with me in that, it was simply because I was small and made an easy target for cowardly wannabe bullies. Now that I'm big and hard to push around, they all react towards me as if I were driving along swinging a long chain across their windshields and screaming, "give us the fuel, Road Warrior, and we'll let you live!"

In other words, they're more hostile than ever.

With all of these police swarming American drivers everywhere I go, and especially in Alabama's Rocket City, you'd think they'd be cashing in on all the passive/aggressives illegally blocking the passing lanes of every highway. After all, there's so many passive/aggressive drivers and they are so blatant about it, if a city were in need of cash ticketing these rolling roadblocks would be an easy quick-fix for budget shortfalls. But no, they all focus instead on catching soccer moms in SUVs going 1 mph over the limit, gradually increasing the rage and unhappiness of the average driver and encouraging more passive/aggressive driving as a sort of forced slow-down begins, turning highways into virtual parking lots.

There is a large interstate that cuts through the center of the Rocket City where the speed limit is 70 mph. But citizens there average around 50-55 mph while driving on it, lining up like lemmings, never letting anyone change lanes without a fight, and turning a road intended to increase efficiency of travel into a continuous parade of silent rage.

This weekend while responding to a 'tag' on Facebook, I wrote the following mind-boggling insanity at around 2 a.m.:

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
"Well, the Bible is pretty clear about both, unlike all that stuff in Revelations that I can't quite figure out. I mean, is it really Russia and China that are going to invade Israel, or could it be a metaphor for Australia and New Zealand, 'cause you know Mel Gibson said his dad hated the Jews and it got me to thinking, what if the Australians secretly were plotting to invade Israel using an army of mounties on kangaroos, with Kiwis as reserve troops riding wallabies and chucking angry, rabid koalas like grenades? No one would ever expect it. It would be the perfect plan! The only problem with it is that the Aussies and Kiwis really only ever get mad enough to fight over things like Cricket and Rugby. So I don't know, but it could happen, if maybe Israel ever beat them in a game of cricket or rugby or something."

Something about this idea of an army of Aussies mounted on kangaroos hurling angry koalas at the enemy just cracks me up. I could see this becoming a new sport for drunken bogans, except for a few minor details:

A) I doubt the kangaroos would tolerate grown men riding on their backs

B) grabbing an angry koala in order to throw it would probably be suicidal, and

C) the whole thing is undoubtably illegal as hell.

But aside for that, what a spectacular idea! I am a genius!

More of my random strokes of genius, this one from an email I was writing to a 24-year-old hot girl:

"There is pretty much no bad time for a good "boob shirt". I mean, even at weddings and funerals a proper boob-'attire' can be worn. Boobs are basically the center of all fashion. I think the whole fashion industry was created as a way to highlight boobs and then just sort of spread out from there."

motivating men to work hard since the dawn of time

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3 Traveling Salesmen


3 traveling salesmen, out in the middle of nowhere and slightly lost, stop at a farmhouse and ask to stay the night.

The farmer says "Sure, I have a large spare bed and I think it'll fit the three of you."

That night, the three salesmen get into the bed and sleep soundly.

The next morning, after the three of them have been awakened, the guy on the end of the bed says, "wow, I had the best dream last night. I dreamed a beautiful blonde girl was giving me a handjob."

The guy on the other end of the bed says, "wow, I had almost the exact same dream! I dreamed a beautiful brunette girl was giving me a handjob."

The guy in the middle says, "wow, I had a dream that I was skiing."

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Misandric Monday - Just Random Shit That Bugs Me

Feminist Marriage

Ever since my first memory, many of the women around me, and especially the teachers at school, were pushing the claim that discrimination based on sex is sexist, and therefore wrong. They said it was always wrong. There's never any excuse. Men are pigs, some of them said. Men oppress women, and that is why men are pigs.

Funny thing, all the while they were saying this, they were pushing for the government to discriminate against males. They were pushing their hatred of males in the schools. They were teaching the girls to hate the boys and to discriminate against us. And the government gladly embraced this view, writing it into our nation's laws.

So, sexism is wrong. And girls should hate boys. And the government should discriminate against males. And discrimination based on sex is wrong. It is always wrong. There is never any excuse for it. And the government discriminates, because women demanded it, but only against males. Which is sexism. Which is wrong. It is always wrong. There is never any excuse for it.

So women are encouraged to be sexists. And the government is sexist. But it's OK. It's only wrong if men do it.

Hating Whitey for Fun and Profit

So, ever since I was a little kid, black people were screaming that they are oppressed and discriminated against by white people, which is racist. And discrimination based on skin color is racism. And racism is wrong. It is always wrong. There is never any excuse for it.

Segregation, they said, is wrong, too. It is always wrong. There is never any excuse for white people to separate themselves from others based on skin color. It is racism. Racism is wrong. Racism is always wrong.

They demanded that the government discriminate against whites and favor blacks. And the government, of course, complied, despite the fact that it was a minority of voters asking for it against the wishes of the majority, which violates our laws. Despite the law, the government did it.

Later, black people demanded segregated beauty pageants, segregated school graduations, segregated proms, government protections for all-black segregated colleges even as partly white colleges were fined for not having enough blacks. And they got it - all of it. No whites allowed. But whites can't have this. Because that would be racist. And racism is wrong. It is always wrong. There is never any excuse for it.

In their churches, where they claim to worship a God of love, they preach hatred of white men. They spend the entire service preaching about slavery, which ended 150 years ago and affected not a single living soul today. They preach about the chains around their wrists and ankles, even as they ignore the fact that there are no chains. They wave a book of Love and preach a message of hate, a hatred based on skin color, which they say is wrong, always wrong, and there is never any excuse for it.

So black people are encouraged to be racists. And the government is very, very racist. But it's OK. It's only wrong if white people do it.

Oprah Didn't Get It

Feminism - putting the 'ug' in ugly since 1848

Whenever feminists are defending the sexism inherent in feminism, they say 'historically, women have been oppressed.' Historically going back how far exactly? I mean, all of my life the law has mandated discrimination against males and prohibited any discrimination against females. All of my life is pretty fucking historic to me. But they ignore this inconvenient truth, skipping past it to claim 'there is a war on women' and 'all men are rapists and that is all they are.' They insist that there is a secret 'epidemic of violence against women' even as men are targeted in over 80 percent of all violent crimes. Apparently 80 percent is not an epidemic, but 20 percent is.

Whenever anyone asks for evidence of this 'war on women', the feminists either quote statistics from other feminists, all of which have been proven false many, many times over, or else they talk about women in other countries, poor, backward, non-Western countries, which has not one thing to do with our own society.

Sometimes they claim that all women are victims of sexual abuse. Then they chant, quite accurately, 'there is no excuse for sexual abuse.'

And always, like a machine following a hard-wired program, they go from these extremist and false claims to screaming about how they love when men and boys are sexually abused, when women attack men's testicles, when women cut off or shoot men's penises, when men or boys are severely injured in the testicles and cry in agony. They brag about teaching their daughters to kick little boys in the testicles and hurt them in the worst possible way. They brag of encouraging little girls to attack little boys 'where it counts', which is, of course, sexual abuse.

But there is no excuse for sexual abuse.

Unless the victim is male. Then it's OK.

Sexual Violence - it's not abuse when women do it

Am I the only one who has noticed that those people who scream and protest the loudest about sexism are usually the biggest sexists of all?

Am I the only one who has noticed that those people who scream and protest the loudest about racism are almost always the biggest racists of all?

Am I the only one who has noticed that those who condemn 'hate' and constantly wag their fingers and preach at everyone different from themselves about how wrong it is to hate, and how hate cannot be tolerated, and how the government needs to create special classes of people who are protected from hate while other classes, different from themselves of course, are not protected from hate, are the biggest haters of all?

Am I the only one who has noticed how the Western world has gone completely insane, embracing a philosophy of pure destruction? We are dominated by fanatical religious haters who cannot rest unless they are screaming their hatred at the rest of us, telling us what to think, feel, and say, all the while working feverishly to destroy all things good and right and true? And all they ever do is hurt people while smiling and making excuses for their hate.

Am I the only one who has noticed?

Hate - it makes bad ideas seem good

'Reverend' Jeremiah Wright says, "Goddamn America!"

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Blog Fail

Twitter Fail

I've been trying to Twitter lately. It was fun at first, I guess. A few bloggers appeared out there. I 'followed' a few, most of whom did not follow me back. Yes, it pissed me off. Still, I followed them and they didn't say much. I did the Twitter thing and had my usual more-than-you-wanted-to-know to say. I made a few friends. It's hard to be really good friends in 140 characters or less. But after awhile Twitter really wore on my nerves.

First of all, Twitter's website grabs my CPU by the balls and just squeezes until my computer is crying and vomiting and eventually passes out. I don't much appreciate this. I don't need a 'casual' website for socializing that does this to me while I'm trying to do other things in the meantime. It's hard to get anything done when my browser is wheezing and screaming and won't let my computer take a breath.

Secondly, lately when I go to type anything, I type my 140 characters and am completely done with my thought, but the cursor on the screen hasn't moved at all. It doesn't show anything I've just written for about 10 minutes. Then suddenly it throws it all up there at once. Heaven forbid that I have any misspellings because going back and fixing it is a major pain in the ass.

Lastly, I'm pretty sure 99 percent of the people on Twitter are some sort of HR person or 'consultant' looking to either hire people away from other companies or sell something. This is not my idea of entertainment. I'd rather read smart-assed commentary on someone's blog and leave an equally smart-assed comment after the fact than to wade through the flood of salesmen and HR people out there. Personally I find the idea of using my best jokes on HR to be somehow ... I don't know ... wrong. HR is who fires you for emailing a really good joke. Why send it directly to them? And why are they on Twitter all day, anyway? Doesn't HR have something else to do, like, say, monitoring our emails?

And as an afterthought, who the fuck is Guy Kawasaki and why should I care what he has to say? He's like the king of Twitter or something. I guess that'd make him a twing? Either way, I don't follow him, but apparently everyone else does. He's like Twitter's version of Dooce. I don't follow Dooce, either.

Three gay guys were sitting in a hottub.

Suddenly a large wad of semen floats to the surface.

One of the gay guys looks digusted and says, "alright, who farted?"

Relationship Fail

Seriously, who doesn't look at this photo and think, "that dude is CREEPY"? Looking at this I'm thinking everyone should have known he was going to go bonko at some point. And the thing is, he looks like this in every photo I've seen of him. I wouldn't expect any decent-looking girl to be with him. Even ugly girls must look at this face and think, "where is my pepper spray?"

I had actually intended to write more about Chris "basher" Brown and Rihanna "mostly white" Fenty, but then I realized that I didn't care enough about these two Mouseketeers to bother. I can't get the image out of my head of them having a Three Stooges style slap fight in an Italian sports car with lots of screaming and "cut-it-out" before he finally makes a fist and throws a few awkward punches. Somehow it just brings to mind old family vacations with my older brother and three sisters. I'm sorry, but her injuries were minor compared to some I've experienced growing up in an age before the police raided people's homes every time a brother and sister slapped each other. The meanest person in my family was one of my older sisters. She would have torn Chris Brown up inside that car. I'm guessing that the only thing holding Rihanna back from winning the fight was the fact that she was in the passenger seat, which is on the right side of the car, and she's probably right-handed. I'll bet if they had switched seats she could have taken him.

A little boy goes to his mother and asks, "Mom, where do babies come from?"

The mother says, "a stork brings it."

The boys says, "Yeah, then who fucks the stork?"

Sympathy Fail

Apparently last week on Oprah, which I never watch, all she talked about was domestic violence. Well, not exactly 'domestic violence'. Actually, all she talked about was women who were treated badly by men. She totally ignored Matthew Winkler or Phil Hartman, two men famous for having been murdered in cold blood by their psychopathic, abusive wives. Apparently it isn't important when men are abused.

Also appearing on Priestess Oprah's Worship Hour was Tyra Banks, who has never been beaten by anyone, but wanted desperately to join in the conversation. So Tyra went on and on and on about how she once dated a guy who made her feel bad about herself. He never laid a hand on her, but he didn't talk nice to her sometimes. And as we all know, in the new feminized America, anything a man says is equated with an actual fist to the face or shotgun blast to the back because, well, sometimes women who weren't abused feel left out when women who were talk about their experiences. So we have to pretend that words are the same as actual physical injuries in order to make all feel welcomed.

Well, not all. Just women. No men are allowed in the 'Victim Class' that Oprah loves so much and which pays big, big money. Not Phil Hartman. Not Matthew Winkler. No men at all. Not even little boys who were raped by their very odd female teachers or gay Catholic Priests.

Not that I'm saying that emotional abuse isn't hurtful or harmful. It's just that it isn't by any stretch of the imagination the same as a vicious physical beating from the one you love.

You know, my dad used to tell me about a time long, long ago, when words were just words and people who constantly put others down in order to make themselves feel bigger and better were simply called "cunts", instead of the more politically charged "abusers". It's ironic, really, because by Oprah's standards my dad abused the shit out of me, but mostly only with words. So did my mom. So I guess I should be allowed to be on her show alongside Tyra, whose breasts are real, as she demonstrated repeatedly on her own show, which I also don't watch.

Still, one thing remains true even after all of this. Chris Brown is still a tool.

What do you get when you cross a genius with a hooker?

A fucking know-it-all

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Happy St. Patrick's Day

They say "everyone's Irish on St. Patrick's Day."

Tisn't true, ye know.

Everyones wishes they were, though

because'a this ...

St. Patrick's Day begins - the lovely Catholic girls appear

A short time later - the protestant girls show up

Several kegs into the celebration, Mikey's sister shows up

Another keg later and Mikey's sister shows this

By nightfall, the real celebrations get started!

It's good to be Irish!

And now, in accordance with tradition, here is an old Irish joke:

I was in bed with me wife.

I said, "Aye, but you've got a tight cunt and no tits."

Me wife replied, "Get off of me back, stupid!"

Happy St. Patrick's Day, ye cunts!

More St. Patrick's Day Humor

McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini,
each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed,
the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me", said a customer,
who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done,
"what was that all about?"
"Nothin', said the Irishman,
"me wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!"
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered
around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks.
An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
"No," replied the Irishman.
"I've lost all me luggage!"
"How'd that happen?"
"The corks fell out!" said the Irishman.
An Irish priest is driving down to New York
and gets stopped for speeding.
The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"
"Just water," says the priest."
The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"
The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer
and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel,
and one of them said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin' bad."
Then they saw a Rabbi enter the brothel,
and the other Irishman said,
"Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews
are falling' victim to temptation."
Then they saw a Catholic priest enter the brothel,
and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity...
one of the girls must be quite ill."


Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael,
were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape
from a burning freighter.
While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Patrick stumbled across an old lamp.
Secretly hoping that a genie would appear,
he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth.
This particular genie, however,
stated that he could only deliver one wish,
not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter,
Patrick blurted out,
"Make the entire ocean into Guinness Beer!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash,
and immediately the entire sea turned into
the finest brew ever sampled by mortals.
Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of Guinness on the hull
broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick
whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke:
"Nice going Patrick!
Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!


Murphy was staggering home with a pint of booze
in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily.
Struggling to his feet,
he felt something wet running down his leg.
"Please Lord," he implored,
"let it be blood!!"


An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night.
The bartender finally said that the bar was closing.
So, the Irishman stood up to leave and fell flat on his face.
He tried to stand one more time; same result.
He figured he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air
and maybe that will sober him up.
Once outside, he stood up and fell on his face again.
So he decided to crawl the four blocks home.
Again, he fell flat on his face.
He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.
When he reached his bed, he tried one more time to stand up.
This time he managed to pull himself upright,
but he quickly fell right into the bed and was sound asleep
as soon as his head hit the pillow.
He was awakened the next morning
to his wife standing over him, shouting,
Putting on an innocent look,
and intent on bluffing it out he said,
"What makes you say that?"
"The pub just called; you left your wheelchair there again."

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I Hate Windows

MS Sloooooow

OK, this VBA programming crap is making me crazy. And Windows, Windows is making me crazy, too. Why does everything take 5 minutes to respond when I click on it? Do anyone know how much time we lose each day waiting for the computer to respond after we click and tell it what to do? I'd like to see a study on that. I'll bet I spend an hour a day waiting for the stupid computer to just do what I tell it to do. Are we really sure that computers make things faster? I'm thinking they make things sit and wait a lot and that's about all. But with pretty graphics to hypnotize and distract us so that we don't realize how much of our lives it is wasting. Can you imagine if pens and pencils took as long to respond as some of the applications we use on the computer? No one would tolerate that. That's why they came up with the stupid hourglass icon, because without some shiny distraction, people would realize we are being screwed and toss our computers in the trash.


Everyone is all up in arms about 'Octomom', which I have to be honest, sounds just enough like 'Doc Oc' to remind me of old Spiderman comics and throws my mind into reverse, going back to a time long ago when I was a tiny little kid and comic books cost less than a dollar, but I digress.

Did we not just elect a president that promises to add more women exactly like Octomom to the welfare rolls, and then explode those rolls to include any person of color or politically correct 'gender' who wishes to jump on board the Freedom Train? I mean, Obama won by majority, did he not? Yet these same women, er, people, are all upset and screaming bloody murder over Octomom. WTF? Is she not the feminist American ideal? She's a single mother living off other people with a zillion kids, not because any man 'exploited' or 'oppressed' her, but because she CHOSE to do this. This is exactly what she wanted to do. And if she's able to cash in the whole thing and get rich, more power to her, right? I mean, if she can exploit, er, capitalize on her unique family situation and get rich, then she won't be living off welfare, right? And that would be a good thing, would it not?

jolie octomom

Why do I seem to be the only person who doesn't give a flying fart about this woman? I just can't seem to care. It's not as if she's beating them or locking them in closets or chaining them to beds or making them watch 'Oprah' or anything. Who cares?

Casey Anthony
Where's Caylee and are those real?

A few weeks ago I wrote about how annoying it was that every single time I turned on CNN all they talked about was "Where's Caylee?" And then they'd show video of Caylee's rather hot mom, Casey, being led around in handcuffs, which I have to say, merely added a certain kinkiness to her. But the story itself seemed to be the only thing in the entire world that was going on according to CNN.

Casey kink
Zack and Casey Make A Porno

Now it's "Where's Haleigh"! I mean, come on, the whole world is having a meltdown and all CNN seems to ever talk about is one missing child whom we all know already was murdered either by Mom or some random drunken boyfriend or something. When did Oprah buy CNN, or did Jane Fonda take it in her divorce from Ted Turner? I mean, missing and murdered children are tragic, but these two girls are only two among thousands and yet to listen to CNN you would think there were no others and nothing else of note going on anywhere in the world.

Barney fudge Frank
Barney Frank going off on AIG bonuses

U.S. Representative and fudge-packer in chief, Barney Frank is once again going off on the execs at AIG for getting bonuses. Barney Frank is the second most responsible person in Congress for the mortgage meltdown, having received multiple payoffs from Fannie Mae chief and now Obama adviser, Franklin Raines, for his role in preventing any government (Republican) intervention to regulate and thus prevent the massive housing crisis we are facing right this very moment. Barney is screaming louder than anyone, including crazy Nancy Pelosi, about how evil the bank execs are because he knows he is more guilty of wrong-doing than any one of them and he's afraid someone is going to call him on it. Of course, no one in the Press is going to nail him for this because they love him long time and from behind.

"Methinks thou doth protest too much" asshole.

Japanese robot girl
Japanese resort to building girlfriends

In Japan, a nation listed as having the least sex in the world, workaholic males there have resorted to building a mechanical girlfriend in order to compensate for the lack of willing women. They've even requested permission to have their new 'female' robot walk down the catwalk in a fashion show alongside real women in order to show off their accomplishment.

Currently the robot isn't particularly useful, either as a replacement for workers or for girlfriends, as it costs $200,000 without any skin. And to be frank, but not Barney Frank, it isn't very attractive without any skin.

Don Imus
Don "Nappy Headed Ho" Imus has Prostate Cancer

Radio talk show host Don Imus, he of the "nappy headed ho" non-controversy, has been diagnosed with stage 2 prostate cancer. You might think that after discovering he has this cancer, and then learning that because of the Women's Health Initiative, there is not one single dime of taxpayer funding going to research this or any other cancer affecting males, he might speak up about how wrong this is. You might think that he might notice that no federally funded medical research for anything at all, even heart disease, permits any males to be included in or benefit from the studies. You might think he'd notice this and say "hey, feminists in Washington are intentionally killing off all the males in America!" But no, he hasn't said a word about it. Like all the other 'men' in the entertainment industry he is silent about this mass murder via neglect, even though he himself may die as a direct consequence of it.

Ah well, as they say, all that is required for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing. I suppose that might include Don Imus, too, depending on how strict you are with your definition of 'good'.

Iron My Shirt, Bitch

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A Bear and a Rabbit

bear and rabbit

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods.

The bear turns to the rabbit and says, "Do you have a problem with shit sticking to your fur?"

The rabbit looks at the bear and says, "No."

So the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with it.
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Gonna Hit That Like Chris Brown

So, Rihanna and her boyfriend, Chris Brown, had a slugfest in a rented Lamborghini a few weeks ago on the way to an awards ceremony where Mr. Brown was set to receive an award for his music. I'm guessing you heard about it.  I don't even follow news of pseudo-celebrities and I heard about it. Apparently there was some screaming and yelling, someone taking the car keys and sitting on them, followed by someone punching someone sitting on some keys, followed by someone throwing the keys down the street, followed by more punching.

Sounds like a typical day in Memphis to me, but I suppose this is shocking to people in civilized parts of the world.

So, let's run down a few details first. 

Rihanna, perhaps unbeknownst to her at the time, was pregnant, loaded up on hormones and a bit unstable. 

Chris Brown, loaded up on ... well, who the hell knows what Chris Brown might be loaded up on? Anyway, he can get crazy at times, too. That's one of the things his fans love about him. That's considered cool and admirable. A celebrity has to be a little on the crazy side or he ain't gettin' no respect, know wut I mean?

And about the fight, apparently it started as an argument, and it just kept going, up and up, until there were fists flying and Rihanna losing the bout in a unanimous decision. She ended up going to the hospital for treatment, but was back home again shortly after.

Now the first thing that pops into my mind is this: why did they need to rent a Lamborghini in the first place? Don't they have the money to buy one? Were they just wanting to make a big flashy appearance at the ceremony they were going to and their own Lamborghini was in the shop? If celebrities are showing up at these events in Lamborghinis, then it's no wonder there are so many photographs floating around of the vaginas of every single female singer in America. You can't get out of one of those cars without assuming the gynecologists' favorite position.

The second thing that came to mind was a conversation I had with an older black coworker from Oakland, California a few years back. It was about as politically incorrect as it could be, but those are the sorts of conversations that actually communicate the truth, because everyone knows the truth is politically incorrect.

He said to me that one of the reasons why so few black men get married is because it involves black women. Yep, chew on that for a minute. And keep in mind that he didn't believe in interracial relationships and openly said so. He didn't like seeing black people dating white people. In fact, I soon discovered that most of the black people in Memphis feel that way. Who knew?

So hang on, what the hell? Why would black men avoid marriage simply because their most likely spouse is a black woman?

'Because they're a pain in the ass and they always want to fight you all the damn time. They don't have no boundaries and they don't stop until somebody is dead. Who can live with that?'

This is actually a combination of several conversations I had with more than one of my black coworkers. Yes, I am openly politically incorrect. And so are many black people. If you want to have black friends you need to learn to stop kissing ass and just say what you really think. Otherwise, you're just another liberal honkey fool can't comprehend the 'black experience'. And that's probably not far from the truth.

Apparently the 'black experience' often includes a high degree of conflict, wild expression of emotions, and some violent confrontations that may or may not get someone into trouble with the legal system. Like it or not, you honkeys, unless you have the balls to stand up and fight whenever someone is trying to dominate you, you are gonna get your ass killed. At the very least, your life will be hell and you won't have any respect from anyone in your community, male or female. And that includes your own family, by the way. They won't respect you if you let your friends, your woman, your man, your own family members, push you around. And they will try. They will test you. They will push on you and try to bend you over and stick it up your ass just to show that they are dominant over you if you let them. But don't you dare let them.

Anyway, that's what they told me. Maybe this is just true of Memphis?

Oprah Winfrey is all upset that Rihanna has gotten back together with Chris Brown. In fact, all of the feministas who don't have any men in their lives are upset about it. They want Rihanna to join them in their world of no men.

Orpah said: "And, if a man hits you once, he will hit you again."

This is probably very true, especially in a culture where constantly testing the man is the norm. But you know what else? It's just as true of a woman. If a woman hits you once, she will hit you again. Especially if you sit there and do nothing while she beats your ass, like Chuck Finley, pro baseball player, did. He once dated former psycho drug-addict and Whitesnake video girl, Tawny Kitaen, until she began beating the shit out of him while he was driving them in their equally sporty car. It was a very similar situation to the Chris Brown/Rihanna situation, except that Chuck knew the law and decided that he loved his freedom more than he loved stoned abuser Tawny Kitaen. So he let her beat him up and then he called the police, ending his relationship with Tawny instantly.

Tawny Kitaen

Chuck Finley, like all men who call the police, was berated and taunted by fans at every baseball game for the rest of the season for not being manly and letting her pound him into a bloody pile of bones and organs while he sat and did nothing to defend himself. The fans and the press freely expressed their view that it was his fault, that he was a homo for calling the police, and especially for separating from Tawny rather than getting back with Miss Whitesnake Video Star/psycho drug addict/abuser.

Ending the relationship with that call to the police is generally how it works, you know. Calling the police on the one you're with tends to be the supreme 'fuck you'. It's a sort of final shot, the sort of thing you only do when you have no intention of ever seeing them again. Because The Law is going to tell them, especially if they are male, that they can never see you again. The restraining order is automatic.

I don't recall reading that Rihanna called the police. I believe it was a witness who called. Rihanna simply went to the hospital, but I have not heard that she sought out the police or asked them to do anything to Chris Brown. And now she's back together with him, over the screaming objections of huge numbers of uninvolved people. It's funny because no one has asked her what she wants and no one seems to care. People are mad at her. Let me repeat that - people are mad at her. Donald Trump even jumped in, calling her a loser and declaring that he hopes she never has any success again in the future.

That's a bit extreme, don't you think?

I wasn't especially surprised when I heard about the fight. And I wasn't surprised when I heard that it was a witness and not Rihanna who called the police. I don't know if that's accurate, but if it is, it's not shocking to me at all.

I wasn't surprised when I heard that she went back to him. I don't believe I ever heard her make any statement to the effect that she was especially angry with him, afraid of him, or even surprised by what happened. I think I heard that she said something along the lines of having pushed his buttons and then she was immediately attacked for having said it. Again, I'm not certain of that, either.

I can't say that the fight between them, or her returning to him, has anything to do with black culture, or the hip hop culture, or the celebrity culture. I don't know what's going on behind closed doors in their world. I only know what I learned from talking to various people in Memphis who just happened to be black, but it was because of these conversations that this incident didn't shock me at all.

I once had a long phone message left on my machine at work by a black woman who thought she was calling another black woman I worked with. She ended up leaving the message with me by mistake. It was funny at first, but become more and more heart-breaking the more I listened to it. She was upset. She had just broken up with her boyfriend. Apparently he was just one of many black men she had dated and broken up with, ending in an emotional explosion that may or may not involve physical expressions of frustration. The woman she was trying to call was recently divorced and had a child. She was only about 26 or so, tall and good-looking. I could tell from the message that the two of them had talked extensively about their difficulties in maintaining relationships with the black men they dated. The woman ended her call by saying, "I've finally figured out what I've been doing wrong. I've been dating nuthin' but n!ggers. That's all it is. I been datin' g*dd@mn muthaf*cking n!ggers. That's all they are." At that point it sounded as if she was about to cry. And then she hung up.

It was a revealing conversation that would never have occurred in front of me. If not for the accident, I would never have heard any of this. If not for my time working with a handful of people who were willing to talk to me, I would never have known how frustrated so many black men are with black women, or how equally frustrated many black women are with black men. I suppose it's really none of my business, but I heard about it all the same.

Everyone wants to jump in on this Chris Brown/Rihanna thing and tell them what to do. Everyone wants to hit them both with oh-so-very-white politically correct bullshit, which requires no real thought on our part and no sacrifice from us, either. It's easy to say "she should leave him and never look back. A man who hits her once will hit her again." It's easy to slam on her for ignoring our bumper sticker advice and going back to this man that she apparently actually loves. We're all so fond of snappy feminist slogans that make for excellent bumper stickers, but don't usually work in the real world. We don't feel any pain at all if she leaves him. But she does.


Why do we slam on her for going back? If we're so pro-choice and all that then why do we not allow her to make an adult decision and choose for herself whether to leave him or return? Isn't it supposedly the mark of the mythical "Patriarchy" that we all presume to tell a grown woman what she can and cannot do with her own life, yet we never say the same thing to any man who is similarly victimized by a woman? It seems to me that the feminists ARE this invisible "Patriarchy". They are the ones telling women what they can and cannot do, without any regard to the actual desires of those same women. That's not pro-choice at all. That's Big Sister enslaving all the little sisters and bullying them. And that's saying nothing of how they treat their little brothers.

What's the reality of this situation? It's sad, right? It's tragic. But the chances are actually slim, despite falsified feminist statistics, that she is going to die by his hand. It is likely that they are going to have more physical fights, though. That seems pretty clear. There is a distinct possibility that at some point she is going to beat Chris Brown's ass. Because women never forget. They may forget when you bring them flowers, but they never forget the bad shit. Rihanna will never forget that he beat her up. And she will get him for it. We may never hear about it. We will probably never know. But you mark my words, if they stay together for any length of time, she will get him.

Oprah says that Rihanna is going to die if she goes back to Chris. Donald Trump says that she is a loser and an idiot. Perhaps. But I say that Chris Brown must be just as much of an idiot, because one of these days, when he least expects it, when he's sitting down with his back to her or sleeping soundly in their bed, she is going to go off on his ass, and he may or may not survive the experience.

White women kill their husbands when they go crazy. They shoot them in the backs while they are sleeping. Sometimes these women were abused. Many times they were the abusers, which is why they treated their husbands in this manner to begin with, murdering him after he has indicated that he intends to file for divorce and leave her abusive ass.

Latino women cut off their husbands genitals and throw them into the street. Lorena Bobbitt, a Hispanic woman from Ecuador, did this. She had bragged to all her friends several months in advance that she would do this to her husband, John, if he ever cheated on her. Then she did it. Only after obtaining a lawyer did she claim any abuse or rape.

Black women, they beat their men senseless. What happens after that is hard to know, because the men are rarely ever found. The police come looking for the men, but don't find a trace. They ask the black women, "where is your man?" And the black women reply, "I don't know where he is. I don't even care. I don't care if he never comes back." Then the police shrug and leave. They never look under the floorboards or in her trunk or dig up the yard.

Some say Rihanna is a fool. She has returned to the man who beat her up. I say Chris is the fool. He's old enough to know what's going to happen to him one of these days. But apparently they are in love, hooked on each other like crack.

Chris Brown

I have a brother-in-law who was previously married to a violent, abusive woman. He had to leave her in order to save himself and the kids. I am e-married* to a beautiful Australian woman who once loved a very stupid man that apparently realized she was too good for him and would one day wake up and leave his ass, so he rejected her first by beating her more and more until he nearly killed her. If I ever meet this very stupid man I will hurt him and throw his body into the ocean and probably go to jail for it. I'm not making a joke of this. I just don't think the answers are nearly as simple as Oprah and others like to make out.

What about you? What do you think?

* e-marriage - not an actual, legally binding marriage. Married on the internet only, sometimes for the purpose of helping an American man obtain Australian citizenship more easily. Highly theoretical. May or may not involve e-love or e-sex.

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