Don't scratch my balls unless you are a close friend, and not even then

puking pumpkin

So, I'm sick. Again. And this time I have no fucking clue what this is. I feel like I have the flu. But I'm coughing. And my throat feels like I've been gargling with gasoline every morning when I wake up.

On the plus side, I think this toxic sickness has driven the poison ivy right out of me. It just couldn't handle the competition. Pussy!

So yesterday I missed work, being sick and all. I had some important things to do, too. Today I missed half a day of work. I basically had enough time to wrap up a huge project, deal with some emergencies downstairs on "the floor", and update my status report showing that I have finished one giant mother of a task, but not completed another task I had scheduled to be done by today. Awesome. There's nothing quite like the feeling of walking into work to begin a new week and already be behind.

Infinity G352003 Nissan 350Z
Infiniti G35 vs Nissan 350Z

My nephew has bought himself a new car. He told me it is an Infiniti G35, but when I got in it, it clearly said it is a Nissan 350Z on the back, so I'm not sure what he's talking about. I'm a musclecar man, myself, so I don't actually care - Nissan or Infiniti - I couldn't give a shit. I mean, it's a cool car, and he's having fun tearing around out in the country as far from the cops as possible with his 270 or so horsepower. The car handles like it's on rails. And it damned well better with the ungodly expensive aftermarket rims and tires he's got on the thing, plus lowering the suspension. And he's got speakers in the trunk that point outward to vibrate the trunklid and maximize the enjoyment of whatever tunes he's listening to for everyone else in traffic. I can't say I'm thrilled about that, but as long as I know what car he drives I'll be sure not to put a bullet in it when he pulls next to me in traffic with his stereo thumping and his trunklid buzzing. He's a good kid, after all, and his biological dad was always a putz, so he does the best he can considering. And it is a fun car, which is the most important thing.

USA vs Ghana

I hear the USA was eliminated in the World Cup by Ghana. I'm not thrilled that we lost to Ghana. I'd rather we lost to Germany or Brazil. I mean, everybody loses to Brazil, right? But no, we lost to some shithole country out in the middle of nowhere where people have nothing else to do but kick a ball around and elbow each other in the throat while fighting for an advantage. And also, every ref from Africa has sucked donkey balls, so I'm not going to be cheering for Ghana in any of their remaining matches. Not that it matters. Brazil is going to stomp them if they should get that far, shitty refs or no shitty refs.

Al "Happy Ending" Gore

Former U.S. Vice President Al Gore is currently being accused of aggressively sexually harassing a massage therapist that he hired to come to his hotel room and give him a standard massage. He apparently is unfamiliar with regular, ordinary, legal massages and thus assumed she was a prostitute. She, not being a prostitute, but a regular masseuse, assumed that he was not a rapist, but a regular American former Vice President and thus left her pepper spray with the Secret Service agents who would not allow her to have it with her while she was with the former VP. Thus, she was unarmed and greatly offended and frightened by his alleged angry, aggressive advances. Apparently the Clinton Legacy lives on!


It has become evident even to the most militant of left-wing Obama supporters in the financial district that President Billy-boy Obama has absolutely no intention of doing anything to get our economy back on track. Some have even begun to suspect that he is wrecking it intentionally in order to return us to the time of Roosevelt and his Great Depression. Apparently President Obama is under the mistaken impression that "Great Depression" indicates that this was a lovely time of happiness and prosperity for all. Either that or he believes it was a wonderful time to be a Big-Government Marxist who exploits government-created suffering to expand and further empower Big Brother at the expense of The People. Either way, the market is reflecting this awareness as everything I own except gold is taking a giant dive into the shitter. Thanks Barry, you suck.


President Obama's latest pantsuit-wearing girlfriend, Elena Kagan, is currently lying her ass off in front of the United States Senate. "Oh no, I believe in the Constitution." "No, I never tried to prevent the U.S. military from recruiting on campus at Harvard." "No, I never shit on a copy of the Constitution at an all-grrl 'licking' party in Connecticut while high on meth and Grey Goose." Yeah, whatever. The one thing Kagan can't fool anyone about is that she is clearly the long lost twin of Kevin James. They could be brothers.

Jason Lee
Earl no more

Jason Lee, who played Earl on "My Name Is Earl," has a new TV show on. It's called "Memphis Beat" and it's partially filmed in Memphis. Hey, I loved "My Name Is Earl" and I've seen Jason in several "Mall Rats" films, or one. I really wanted to like this show. But so far it's just PC bullshit and boredom. Granted, he has a cool GTO in the show. But other than that, there's nothing. Not one damn thing of any interest to me. If I want PC cops I'll flip over to "CSI" or "Law and Order" or any one of a zillion shitty cop shows on network TV. No thanks.

nea sucks
"Great" meaning "shitty"

Our esteemed teachers union, the National Education Association, a labor union consisting entirely of hippies from the 60s and a few crackheads from the ghetto, has decided that it is imperative for them to send a message to all the children of the United States of America that having friends is bad.

Now hear me out. I know this sounds fucking batshit crazy, but keep in mind, this is America and ... yes, it's fucking batshit crazy.

You see, the thinking here is that kids who have friends, especially 'best' friends, form a sort of clique, sometimes only a clique of two, but a clique nonetheless. And all the fuckwads in the NEA were, not surprisingly, losers and outcasts who didn't have any friends, largely because they were misfits who were lousy friends to the few people who tried to be nice to them. Narcissists tend to be that way, you know, and narcissism is what modern American labor unions and most 'civil rights' groups are all about. It's most certainly what the NEA is about.

So anyway, the Education Establishment has deemed that friendship is bad and must be discouraged. So, along with teaching our nation's children that competition in which there are winners and losers is bad, and that gay sex and bestiality is good, they are now teaching our fatherless, aimless children that forming potential lifelong friendships with their fellow students is also bad, because lifelong friendships cause selfish, me-first, me-only cunts to feel bad about the fact that they don't have any real friends due to their view that other human beings are only there to serve as allies (partners in crime) or targets (victims.) Sociopaths often find it hard to comprehend real friends and true friendships because their personality disorder makes it impossible for them to be a friend except when it serves some alternate, and purely selfish, purpose.

Thus, the message our nation's schoolchildren will be learning in the upcoming school year, along with 'gay is good, God is bad' and 'if someone can win then everyone loses', our public schools will be teaching that friendship is bad and those who form close, healthy, normal friendships with anyone, especially a classmate, are to be despised and shunned, sort of like the Amish do to heretics and unbelievers, or like California and the Federal Government are currently doing to Arizona. In fact, exactly like that.

Angelina Jolie

And speaking of personality disorders, Angelina Jolie has a new movie out. She plays a CIA spy who is wrongly accused of being a ... get this ... spy and must spend the entire movie running around in tight black outfits beating up helpless men and generally shooting lots of guns in slow motion while doing gymnastics. I'm sure this will be absolutely nothing like all her other films or anything. Yep.

Alec Mapa
Not an Obama Czar

So President Obama has bragged openly that he has surrounded himself with more lesbians than any President in history. So fine, he thinks this is something to be proud of. I have to ask, then, based on this assumption of his, where are all the gay men in his cabinet? I mean, if he's so fucking awesome because he's "family" to the gay community, where are all the gay men with positions of power and authority in the White House? Aside from Joe Biden and Rahm Emmanuel I don't know of any. I think someone likes to brag that he's all "tolerant" and shit, but in reality he's only "tolerant" of lesbians whose votes he needs to get his ass re-elected. When it comes to gay men, though, Obama is a flaming homophobe. There, I said it.

gay obama

Speaking of gay, I was just watching the "gay and lesbian comedy jam" on Showtime. It had an old, old, OLD gay host, Bruce Villanch, who opened up the show with Cher jokes, which were pretty good, leading into 4 comedians, 2 gay guys and 2 lesbians. I have to be honest, the first gay comedian, Alec Maca, was hilarious. And the first lesbian comic, Sandra Valls, was pretty damned funny, too. The 2nd lesbian, Poppy Champlin, was also fairly funny. But the 2nd gay comic wasn't very funny. He asked how many people in the audience weren't gay, and then singled out one straight guy to harass and threaten with rape. Then he made fun of straight people in general, basically insulting over half his audience in a not funny way. Most good comics realize that this is a bad idea, but he seemed clueless. Oh well, 3 out of 4 isn't bad, especially considering that it was on Showtime, which usually just sucks.

Bruce Villanch
Gay Comedy outside of the White House

Speaking of funny, Geico has a new commercial out where they compare their level of honesty to that of former President Abraham Lincoln. Then they show an old film clip of Abe's infamously crazy-assed wife asking him if her dress makes her ass look fat. Abe stands there dead silent for a long time, glancing at her ass and looking uncomfortable. Finally, he says "perhaps a little bit" and she storms off in a rage.

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First Day of Summer

So, it has been awhile since I sat down to write straight off the top of my head, or out of my ass, as it were. But today I resume my habit of totally improper and unplanned writing in honor of the first day of summer, 2010.

It's scorching hot already. It has been for a few weeks now. After the really cold winter we had, most of us were expecting a mild summer, with minimal bugs (all frozen solid last winter) and fewer weeds (also frozen solid.) Boy were we all wrong! The bugs are everywhere, including in the house, crawling right through the trails of toxic chemicals I've sprayed around to keep them at bay, and the weeds are growing faster than we can rip them out. I tilled a section of garden at the request of Mrs. Memphis and urged her to quickly plant whatever she intended for that spot. She ignored me, as usual, and left the turned soil untended. It is now a solid patch of creeping shit and fuzzy vines that are all a major pain to get rid of.

And the poison ivy, oh my God, it is growing like a fucking alien in some lousy science fiction movie, like you can almost see it moving through the trees and strangling them, reaching out and grabbing wayward squirrels as they scream "help me! help me!" and setting traps for small children. I have always been lucky enough to be immune to this shit, but Mrs Memphis is deathly allergic to it. So imagine my joy and surprise when this year, for the first time ever, I emerged from my battles with the toxic plants with a reaction that took me 2 full weeks to identify.

Hey, all I knew was that my calf was periodically bugging the crap out of me with itching, but it seemed like no big deal. Then I showed it to Mrs Memphis and she screamed, "you've got poison ivy! Get away from me!" I looked it up on the internet, which said it would not spread and would only last for 2 weeks. So I informed Mrs Memphis that the 2 weeks were up and it should go away any minute now.

"Like hell," she screamed. "It'll spread through your bloodstream and break out in other places that never touched the stuff and you'll have it at least a month."

So, going on the fourth week now, I seem to be clearing up a little. I have random itching at various places on my body, but no one spot in particular that needs attention.

Thumpin' tunes

Anyway, I had a lovely new stereo installed in my 4x4 a few weeks ago. With all of the miles I do back and forth to Memphis I figured I needed some decent tunes instead of simply relying on random radio DJs to offer me worthwhile choices, so I had something put in. It was great for 3 weeks. Then I went to drive myself to Memphis, only to discover that the truck is totally dead. No electricity. It seems something has drained the battery all the way down, and when I try to put it on a battery charger, the charger flashes at me and won't charge. Something is fucked up. Oh joyous day in the morning, it's 100 degrees outside and not much cooler in the garage. I really don't want to be bothered with this crap right now. But, of course, now is precisely the time I should be expecting failures like this. Sure as hell, if anything is going to die on a vehicle, it is going to die at the worst possible time, and/or in the worst possible weather. I'm hopeful that all I need is a new battery, but I apparently won't know until I remove the battery, with sweat pouring down my face, haul it to some autoparts store for them to test, and then shell out the big bucks for another one, which I will then install, with sweat pouring down my face again, and try out.

It's still early morning and it is already 85 degrees with 60 percent humidity, making it feel like 90 degrees. It's expected to reach 98 today once the sun is high overhead. Combined with the humidity it will feel closer to 105. That's Fahrenheit. I think that's 45 or something in Celsius. I could look it up, but honestly, I don't want to.

"Father's Day is a day for hating"

So, it was Father's Day this past weekend. Our espized President Obama took the opportunity of a day celebrating the importance of fathers and fatherhood to make a speech. In his speech he bashed fathers in the same tired old way that he does every single year, and much as all politicians in general do whenever they want to kiss up to the misandric feminists, which is pretty much all the time.

Yes, President Barack Obama, a bastard child who was raised not by his mother, but by his grandparents, celebrated Father's Day by bashing fathers as a group.

And then he went back to playing golf with his buddies, leaving his wife and children behind.

Oil leak? What oil leak?

Meanwhile, the CEO of British Petroleum, having been removed from all responsibilities relating to the Gulf Oil Spill, went yachting. The CEO of BP has since taken a beating in The Press over his yachting weekend, while our President, the man who removed the BP CEO from responsibility for the spill and declared that "we will not rest" until this crisis in the Gulf has been dealt with, was playing golf and bashing on fatherhood. President Obama somehow escaped any criticisms for his golfing and soccer-watching and father-bashing while the Gulf is puking up oil, despite his promises that he would not rest until the puking is stopped.

The next day, on Fox News' O'Reilly Report, the infamously grouchy and perpetually interrupting Bill O'Reilly himself mentioned the speech, playing the part in which Barack Obama bashes on fathers and fatherhood. And then Bill O'Reilly said, "hear, hear!" and applauded the father-bashing. Bill O'Reilly is a spineless weasel when it comes to any issue relating to men, kissing the ass of every female guest shamelessly before resuming his rude interrupting of them. The President, meanwhile, is a Chicago cunt of epic proportions in general, but especially on Fathers Day.

Eat it, Bill

I received a package all the way from Australia this past weekend. It seems that an ongoing conversation about price differences between the United States and Australia inspired a package containing newspaper ads and a few bonuses from one Utegirl.

Merry Aussiemas - from Ute

Thank you, Ute, for sending this to me! I fully intend to suck hot chocolate through every single one of those Tim Tams, with the help of my hot chocolate-loving wife, of course. And then I will suck down the Vegemite on crackers until it's all gone, 'cause I actually like the stuff. While I'm eating the Tim Tams and Vegemite (separately, of course), I will flip through the Aussie ads and try to convince Mrs Memphis that there is no such thing as poison ivy in Australia and should we move there we would never have to worry with it again.

poison ivy fucker
Not just another pretty plant
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World Cup for My Nuts

World Cup 2010 USA vs UK
Proud of our ties and gay uniforms

OK, so we tied the Brits in World Cup soccer. Fabulous. We've already done better than I predicted. Hey, I never said I could foresee the future in soccer. I can foresee the future whenever any American female sexually assaults or murders an American male (she'll get way with it), but when it comes to sports I'm just guessing like everyone else.


I guess we suck, like we have sucked at every World Cup tournament. But maybe I'll be proven wrong this year and our men will hurl themselves to the ground wailing that they've been murdered after someone barely brushes their ankle like world-class Europeans and draw some fabulous, game-winning penalty shot opportunities, eh? And then we'll finally be proud, proud of grown men throwing themselves down and crying even though they aren't really hurt, because that's how soccer is played. Which explains why we Americans like American football better. The only players in American football allowed to throw themselves to the ground and cry are the kickers, and no one respects the kickers. Because all NFL kickers are former soccer players, and this marks them for life as girlie men.

Dive like a little bitch

I don't even watch soccer anymore. I used to play, and when I played I liked to watch it. I learned things from watching the pros play. I learned that I and my team sucked real bad compared to the pros. I also learned that I was doing everything wrong because I had never thrown myself to the ground in a shameless attempt to draw a penalty.

Very fancy dive

But today, if I watch soccer it just reminds me of why I quit playing. It reminds me of a cheap kick to the groin that put me in the emergency room. It reminds me of a kick that tore my knee and sent me to the emergency room before the groin kick. It reminds me of a kick to my leg while I was laying on the ground that tore my knee and sent me to surgery after I figured out that I wasn't going to be able to 'shake it off.' It reminds me of a player who kicked me for the hell of it as I was running past him, causing me to land on my shoulder and rip it apart in the turf as he threw himself to the ground and cried like a bitch that he'd been pushed, which he had not. The ref stopped them carrying me off the field to the hospital to give me a yellow card. I shit you not.

Wait, I want to give him a penalty before he gets to surgery

Soccer reminds me of hospital emergency rooms and surgeries and pains I still have with me to this day and will probably have for the rest of my life. And it reminds me of pussies who throw themselves to the ground and cry like bitches in the hopes that the ref will see their tears and give them a free penalty shot which they don't deserve instead of giving them a red card for faking an injury, like the rules specify, forcing their team to actually play the fucking game and rely on their athletic ability and manhood to win the game instead of their ability to bitch and cry like fucking babies.

Italy takes a dive
Nobody dives better than Italy

Watching soccer today reminds me of elbows to the throat by Iranian assholes on my own team who just want to see how many people they can hurt and don't really care about the ball or the game itself. It reminds me of Mexican players who can't speak English and listen to German polka music at deafeningly high volume out in the parking lot prior to every game. It reminds me of a Korean player on my team who got kicked in the knee, destroying it, by a Palestinian player who couldn't beat him, so he just decided to eliminate him from the game completely. It reminds me of Nigerian players who threaten everyone and constantly try to pick fights, but run like scared children when the fighting actually begins for real. It reminds me of an all-black team from Memphis who spent more time complaining that the refs were all racists than they ever did actually playing the fucking game. It reminds me of a fat old guy who no longer had any skill, so he relied instead of kicking the other players in the groin every chance he got in order to gain an advantage over them. Whenever anyone touched him, or punched him in his fat face, which we did, he screamed and cried like the fucking no-talent fairy that he was, only to return the next week for another game and do it all over again because that shit is what he lived for.

Our uniforms look gay

Watching soccer today reminds me of a lot of bad times in sports. It reminds me of all the bad people who let out their pent-up hatreds and frustrations from their shitty lives the second they set foot on that field, not caring the least bit about the game itself, but prefering instead to see how badly they could hurt other people, how many men they could assault before being kicked off the field so they could go to the bar after the game and brag to their fat, drunken girlfriends about how the other guy had it coming and "did you see what I did to him? It was awesome when you could hear his leg actually crack." And their fat, alcoholic slutty girlfriends ooh and ah and admire them for being total assholes, only to run screaming from them years later because they are such total assholes.

How could she have known, right?

Bust his balls!

I remember plenty of games where everyone tried to play by the rules, the most skilled players scoring goals, not by crying and throwing themselves to the ground, but by simply using their superior skills to place the ball in just the right spot in the goal so that no one could stop them, the best defenders stopping offensive attacks, not by elbowing the other player in the throat, but by simply stealing the ball from them legally and running away with it. I remember plenty of good games with good people and good players. But as each year went past, those games seemed fewer and fewer, and the nasty games and dirty players seemed more and more, until finally I decided that my local hospital emergency room nurses knew me far too well, and in fact, knew far too much about our entire league and all our players thanks to our many, many visits.

Welcome to the ER!

Maybe it's my imagination, but in almost every sport I watch lately, whether it's football or basketball or soccer or whatever, I swear it seems like there are more dirty players than there used to be, and the fans are more excited about an NBA player kneeing another player in the balls than they are about a good slam-dunk or a winning half-court shot at the buzzer. We truly don't care that our baseball players use steroids. We truly don't care that our local NFL team's last 2 quarterbacks have either been murdered by their mistresses or they have just been arrested for slugging a stripper in a strip club. We don't care if a boxer bites off his opponent's ear because he's frustrated that he can't beat him fighting straight up. We don't care if the fastest Olympic speed skaters are doped up beyond anything we've seen since the East German women stepped out into Olympic competition looking like the manliest men we'd ever seen many long years ago. We don't care if many of the games are more about playing dirty than about winning. We don't care if every single ultimate fighter in the cage is clearly using a shitload of drugs to build up his muscles, just so long as he smashes the other guy's face in and smears his blood all over the octagon. We don't care if little boys are looking at this and learning that what we expect of them in order to recognize them one day as real men is that they simply hurt every other boy and any girl who gets in their way as badly as possible and preferably while we watch and cheer and rewind it so we can watch it again and again.

Back when hitting the quarterback in the head was mandatory

This is no doubt a trend. I've read books by NFL players from back in the '60s and '70s which detailed horrific things they'd done or seen done or had done to them in an age when professional football was dirtier than today's ultimate fighting and shortened a man's lifespan by a good 20 years. I didn't see those games or those men play. I guess I first saw sports on TV in the period just after, when rules were put into place and enforced to try to clean things up. I must've just discovered sports at the start of a new era of cleaner, nicer playing, during an era when most of the players grew up with fathers who taught them what it really means to be a man, and it had nothing to do with how many people you can hurt just for the hell of it. I'm not comfortable with this new era of fatherless boys who truly earn the label of 'bastard' when they step out onto the field.

Never knew his daddy

And I have equal disrespect for the men who step onto the world's stage of World Cup soccer, only to flop down onto the grass the instant an opponent brushes past them, screaming "ref, ref, I've been murdered!" while crying like bitches.

Kiwis vs Slovakia for the tie

Now, having said all that, I'm probably going to go home after work, turn on the TV, and watch a whole bunch of World Cup Soccer. I'll most likely ignore everything I've just said here and make a complete hypocrite of myself, which should shock no one. The fact is, World Cup players are better than most players and certainly better than any player I've ever played against. The diving drives me up the wall, and I know some teams truly are dirty bastards. But when the game is played right, the way it should be, and dirty players are thrown out of the game, while fairies who dive are booed and shamed for their princess drama tactics, it can be pretty damned exciting.

World Cup 2010 Australia vs Germany
Frustrating loss for the Aussies

And sometimes, when the games are really close at the very end, and someone scores a last second winning goal, I may even get excited and shout at the TV.

hot soccer fan
This woman was never at any of my games

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New from Marvel Productions

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June's First Humpday

I got behind a Saab in traffic this morning. Saabs are like the Tasmanian tiger, thought to be extinct, but every now and then someone reports seeing one. I see them here and there, on very rare occasions. Every time I do, I think to myself, "who the hell buys those things? How are they still in business?"

Invariably, if I get next to a Saab it is almost always driven by a black person. I don't know why that is. I've noticed that a lot of Volvos are also driven by black people and I wonder about that as well. It doesn't get much "whiter" than Volvo, but something about them seems to appeal to a certain segment of the black population. I've never thought to ask. It's just one of those phantom thoughts that passes through my mind and then back out again before I can do anything with it. Maybe I should put some sort of poll on the internet?

When I was working at the Big Memphis Express Shipping Company, I briefly had a coworker who drove a real piece-of-shit Saab that he dragged all the way down from New York City with him when he came to work for us. He was an Orthodox Jew straight from the Jewish Harlem of New York, whatever that means. I think he had a summer home in the Catskills or something. Anyway, he was an odd sort of guy, with squeaky black leather shoes, black pants held up by suspenders, a white button-down shirt with a tie, and a yalmulka. And, of course, thick glasses on his face. He would entertain me with politically incorrect jokes that few men can get away with telling in public. It wasn't the sort of thing you'd expect your local rabbi to go around saying, but it made me laugh my ass off. Anyway, his Saab got broken into and the radio was stolen out of it. He was pretty upset about it. It seems the ingenius Memphis thieves merely had to grab one of his windows and pull and it just came right out of the tracks. They laid the window glass on the roof of the car and opened the door to get to the stereo. It was a piece of shit stereo, just like the car itself, but they took it anyway. That's just how we roll in Memphis.

Has anyone ever seen a customized Saab before? I know I haven't. I'm waiting for the day I run across a black man in a Saab with his seat laid back, driving all slouched over and leaning towards the console, with his baseball hat on crooked, rolling along on 24 inch rims with the spinners on them that keep spinning around even when the car is stopped, a nasty metallic lavender paint job, and a thumpin' stereo.

Well, I guess it won't likely have the thumpin' stereo seeing as all it takes to steal it is to pull on one of the windows.

Saab - who drives these things?

I've been having a lot of dreams over the past week. I'm stressed at work and our seasons are shifting into Summer, so maybe the combination of the two has influenced my sleep patterns? I don't know. My dreams aren't bad, mostly. But I keep waking up, like four times per night, and I realize I have been dreaming heavily. So far none of the dreams have been anything terribly exciting. I haven't dreamed about having sex with Jessica Biel or flying like Superman or anything. It's all been relatively ordinary things like driving to the store or talking to people I very much wish to see. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these nights I dream about sitting in a recliner watching television. It's just mostly been those sorts of dreams. Of course, when the morning comes I'm frequently tired. I feel happy, for the most part, because I spent all night talking to people I wanted to talk to. I guess it's like sitting around a table at a bar drinking with friends, except I never get a bill for it. This could also explain the waking up four times a night and going to pee.


Our President is trying to act all presidential about the BP oil spill. And our media keeps saying it's worse than the Exxon Valdez spill. Well, of course it is - it's an oil well, not a damn ship! It has many times the amount of oil any ship can contain and it is currently spewing it out into the Gulf. And why is this well so far out in the Gulf and so unreachably far underwater? Why, because our environmental extremists demanded that there be no oil wells inland or in the shallow waters because it might be 'dirty' and there might be a leak or two. So they forced the oil companies deep out into the ocean, where a leak that could easily be fixed in a matter of hours inland, or perhaps a whole day in shallow water, is a fucking nightmare to deal with when it is way down deep at the bottom of the ocean where no oil company would wish to drill unless it was forced to.

How did they get this far out into the ocean?

Our fatherless President is posturing and thumping his fists on the podium as he swears that BP will pay for this horrible atrocity. I'd like to know when the idiots who pushed the oil companies out into the depths of the ocean are going to be held accountable. This could have easily been avoided if we'd stop letting the most narcissistic and fanatical of zealots run our country.

To Steal, Kill and Destroy

When I was a little kid, every summer my entire family would pile into our Dodge van and drive 15 hours or so halfway across the United States to visit relatives in Texas. Along the way, we'd pass countless oil rigs pumping away in fields all through Texas. Today those same fields are doing fine. There is no giant environmental disaster marring the countryside in Texas. They've had oil wells all over the state for 100 years. Yet today our most religious of fanatical Leftists decry these wells as an atrocity and demand that all drilling in the United States stop immediately. Send it out to sea. Or better yet, let the entire rest of the world drill, even in our backyard, just so long as we don't do it. Let the Mexicans drill for oil. Let Brazil do it. Let the communist Chinese come into the Gulf of Mexico and drill alongside BP. The environmentalists in America are fine with that. Just so long as we don't pump a single drop of oil ourselves.

And no nuclear plants, either, because those are evil!

Oh no, we're going to be "progressive", which is to say, we're going to stop all progress and step back in time to giant windmills like they have in Holland. We're going to wear wooden shoes and clothing made by weaving blades of grass together. We might allow lithium battery power, but only if the lithium comes from somewhere else. Don't anyone dare to search for it here in the United States.

Oh no, we're going to wrap the entire country, hell, the entire planet, in a big plastic bag, and then we're going to suck all the air out of it to help preserve everything like Grandma's favorite orange felt couch from the 1970s, and we're going to force every living thing off the planet in order to "save" it.

Yep, because we're idiots.

No drilling anywhere ever!

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