Lizzie Quizzie

OK, I'm trying to work and still catch up on blogs here. I swear I'm working, but somehow I'm getting all caught up in playing everyone's games. So here's the latest. It's the Lizzie Quizzie!

(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸A Lizzie Quizzie!¸.•'´¯)¸.•

1. Would you rather interview or be interviewed?
I guess I'd rather be interviewed. It's easier to come up with stupid, totally made-up answers to someone else's hard-thought-out questions than it is to come up with the hard-thought-out questions.

2. Approximately how many jobs have you had? Fav? Least fav?
I've had about 7 or 8 jobs, not counting part-time or contract positions.
None of them were just rockin' awesome jobs or anything, like being a bouncer at a strip club. But at one job I got to play with a giant General Motors robot all day long. That was pretty cool. I think the job at the Big Alabama Bank was possibly my least favorite.

3. What is the best interview advice you have? :)
Don't ever say, "I think stealing from the workplace should be legal" in an interview. This won't go over well, even if you later say, "I was only kidding about that stealing stuff." Corporate people have no sense of humor at all.

4. Would you rather work at home or away from home?
I would rather not work, but as I am not independently wealthy I guess I'd rather work away from home. My desk at home is a wreck.

5. Have you taken any vacations this summer? If so, where?
I've taken one vacation this summer. We went to Amelia Island, Florida, and I highly recommend it.

6. What kind of lunchbox did you have in school?
I can't quite recall. I think it was the Playboy lunchbox because I remember Barbie Benton and KC Winkler being naked on the sides of it. Wait, maybe it was a Hee Haw lunchbox.

7. What is your favorite kind of cookie?
Chocolate chips ranks up there pretty high. Oreos do, too. I have some cookies at home with both regular chocolate chips and white chocolate chips mixed together in there. Those are pretty kick-ass.

8. Besides mine (ahem), what is your favorite meme to play?
I don't know that I regularly do a lot of memes. I'm sort of a random, wandering type of guy, so I just do whatever I stumble across or get tagged for from time-to-time.

9. On a scale from 1-10, how romantic are you?
I'm a 5.5 because I don't know if you're counting 1 or 10 as being the highest and I like to hedge my bets. If I said "I'd do you" would that mean I'm highly romantic?

10. Two's company, three's a ______________.
typical scene in any good porn movie.
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Waste Of Space Monday (WOSM) - part I

It's WOSM. I'm late to this game, created by Texas Tammy, but hopefully my post will be a contender. Kami appears to have slam-dunked it this week, so check her out.

This beautiful woman is former U.S. Marine Suzanne Marie Collins. She was stationed here in the Memphis area on the base in Millington, just north of Memphis. She was murdered in a particularly horrific way by a waste of space named Sedley Alley while out jogging on the base one night.

This is Sedley Alley.

July 11, 1985

Sedley Alley lived on the base with his wife, but was not in the military and was currently unemployed. Alley's wife had just left him after getting into a fight. He drank two six-packs and a bottle of wine. He told authorities that he had gone out for more liquor when his car accidentally hit 19-year-old Suzanne Collins as she jogged near the Millington Naval Base. Alley's story is that he accidentally killed the young woman -- who was due to graduate from aviation school the next day. However, an autopsy revealed that her skull had been fractured with a screwdriver. Before she died, a tree limb was rammed into her vagina so hard that it entered her abdomen and lacerated one of her lungs. A witness stated that even though he was far away and did not see the impaling, he heard Suzanne's scream of agony very clearly. He testified that it was the most horrible scream he had ever heard in his life.

Alley tried to convince a jury that he had multiple personality disorder. He was scheduled to die by electrocution May 2, 1990, but was reprieved indefinitely by the state Court of Criminal Appeals. Judge Penny White made that decision, and she paid for it with her career. She was ousted from the bench during a fierce political campaign that portrayed her as soft on crime.

September 1, 1995

A judge Thursday rejected the appeal of death row inmate Sedley Alley, saying there is reason to believe he concocted his psychotic multiple personality defense to explain his actions. Criminal Court Judge L. T. Lafferty also said in his 46-page opinion that Alley's defense attorneys were competent and well-prepared in his 1987 trial.

August 28, 1995

The court file on convicted murderer Sedley Alley consists of 50 volumes that stretch nearly 10 feet in length. After a jury found him guilty in 1987, the state Supreme Court reviewed the trial and in 1989 declared: ''Defendant's guilt in this case was established at the level of absolute certainty.'' Six years later, however, the case described by prosecutors as ''one of the most senseless and gruesome in Shelby County history'' is about to grow again.

May 8, 1991

The father of a Millington Marine raped and killed in 1985 decried on Tuesday an appeals system that keeps her killer alive. But former Tennessee attorney general William Leech told the Senate Judiciary Committee federal court review of death sentences needs to continue.

John A. Collins, father of Suzanne Marie Collins, was among witnesses testifying in support of a Bush administration bill that would block federal courts from reviewing issues raised by prisoners in state courts.

September 30, 1997

Sedley Alley, who was sentenced to death 10 years ago for the murder of a 19-year-old Marine at the Millington Naval Station, was denied a new appeal Monday by the Tennessee Supreme Court. Alley, 41, was convicted and sentenced to death in 1987 for the 1985 slaying of Lance Corporal Suzanne Marie Collins, the daughter of a U.S. diplomat who wanted to be the first female Marine to fly jets. She was attacked while she was jogging near the Navy base.

March 29, 2006

NASHVILLE (AP) -- The state Supreme Court has set a May 17 execution date for convicted killer Sedley Alley.

Alley was sentenced to die for the 1985 rape and murder of 19-year-old Marine Lance Cpl. Suzanne M. Collins at the Millington Naval Air Station outside Memphis.

A year ago, the U.S. Supreme Court refused to hear Alley's case, exhausting his appeals on the three-tiered court review process.

Collins was kidnapped while jogging, beaten, stabbed in the head with a screwdriver and sexually assaulted with a tree limb. Alley gave police a confession but now says his statement was coerced.

June 28, 2006
Sedley Alley Executed Despite Appeals

NASHVILLE, Tennessee - The state moved on Wednesday to speed up the possible execution of Paul Dennis Reid.

The state is seeking to lift a stay of execution, and took the matter to the U.S. Supreme Court late in the afternoon after hearing nothing from the 6th U.S. Circuit Court of Appeals.

After the state moved on, the appeals court said it will -not- have a decision Wednesday night on vacating the stay.

Reid's execution order is valid until midnight.

News media witnesses have been at Riverbend Maximum Security Institution in Nashville since noon Wednesday and were ordered to stay there until the execution happens or the order expires.

Witnesses from the families of Reid's seven victims were in contact with prison officials. Reid visited today with his three sisters and a brother-in-law.

State officials had planned back-to-back executions Wednesay morning of Reid and Sedley Alley.

Alley was put to death shortly after 2 a.m, after telling his son and his daughter that he loved them and urging them to "stay strong."

Alley exhaled twice after the drugs started flowing, but had no other reaction.

He was convicted in the 1985 murder of 19-year-old Suzanne Collins, a Marine at the Millington Naval Air Station, just north of Memphis.

Reid was convicted of killing seven fast-food restaurant workers during three robberies in Nashville and Clarksville.

A federal judge in Nashville granted him a stay on Tuesday so a hearing could be held to determine if he is mentally competent to abandon his appeals.

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Darth Vader Speaks

Vader Sessions

I saw this on TWM's blog. Too funny!
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Streaming Expletives

Finger boy

I was working on my truck out in the driveway the other day. One of my neighbors had her two little boys playing in her front yard diagonally across from me. The oldest boy is maybe 5 years old. The younger is probably 3.

Oil was dripping from somewhere between my engine and my transmission. I was trying to peek up under there and find the source of the leak, but it was very hard to see. Oil dripped in my hair several times and then hit me in the face.

I started yelling, "Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit!"

I don't know why, but this particularly obscene and offensive expression seems to come out of me way more than it does most sane people. It was once the one word I would never say. But I spent several years lifting weights with an atheist who used the term all the time, and when I moved away it suddenly began to come out of my very own mouth, as if I had become possessed by my former workout partner.

So, I'm lying in oil and it's in my eye and I'm screaming the mother of all obscenities. Of course my neighbor's kids started repeating it, yelling at the top of their little lungs, "Goddammit Goddammit Goddammit! Ha ha ha"

They had no idea what it meant. They were just repeating what they heard and laughing at how mad and stupid I was. Their mother quickly took them inside in a panic. Now she doesn't speak to me nearly as often as she used to and her kids rarely play in the front yard anymore.

I am a bad, bad man.
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CrabTrap - Money, Youth and Love on the Seaside

Giorgio Armani

It was a hot night. My Wife and I were both tired and sunburned. We sat outside the Crabtrap in downtown Amelia Island waiting for our table. I stared at the two brand new Honda Goldwing motorcycles that were parked together beside the curb in front of us. Wealthy-looking attractive people paced impatiently around us, waiting just as we were for a table. An SUV with 2 attractive LSU college girls pulled up in front of us, followed by a car with 4 college guys inside. The girl driving the SUV rolled down her window and motioned for the boys in the car to follow her into the parking lot. Then they all parked and came to wait with us in the heat. This was the place to be and to be seen, apparently.

An older woman, who appeared quite wealthy especially in light of the expensive German luxury car she had been driving, walked past us all. She had professionally dyed brown hair and large breasts. Her clothes were perfect and expensive. She was very important, of that she was clearly certain, and the hostess seated her immediately. The rest of us continued to wait. My Wife and I were soon seated shortly thereafter. We had waited for 20 minutes.

Our table was for 2. We were up against a short half-wall. Not six inches from us was the Wealthy Woman who had been seated without delay, also sitting at a table for 2. But unlike us she was alone.

Not long after, the 2 LSU Hotties and their Pack of Pursuing Boys were seated at the larger table to my left. I watched with amusement as the brunette who had been driving the SUV clearly manipulated the scene, playing the boys as best she could while her attractive blonde friend smiled and enjoyed the benefits of her friendship with the social coordinator and master manipulator.

As we sat waiting to place our order I saw a man come in. He was old, but had worked hard to look youthful and wealthy. He, too, was seated immediately. In fact, he was seated with the Old Rich Woman 6 inches from our table. His pants were off-white. His shirt, a delicate button-down, was orange. His hair was perfect and even the lines on his face looked as if a master surgeon had carefully crafted them. The man and woman greeted one another with plastic smiles.

My mind wandered to the rest of the people in the room as our waiter finally came and took our order. I was very tired and mostly just observing the crowd in a daze.

After placing our order I became aware of the Rich Old Man speaking. “That’s a board decision. I always feel that this is the sort of thing only the board should decide.”

He went on and on about “the board” and I quickly gathered that he and the old woman were quite important, or at least wanted to be perceived as such. I was reminded of the old reruns of “Are You Being Served” in which the big-eared incompetent director is always making highly reverent and pretentious references to “The Boardroom” and as he does so he raises his eyes, almost as if worshipping God.

Clearly I watch too much TV.

On and on The Old Couple talked about their importance, working long and hard to establish, perhaps only to one another, that their breeding was quite proper and their money exceedingly plentiful. Yes, they were both rich and powerful people and it was vital to any future merger between them that this be mutually agreed.

This was not love, but a business arrangement, or so it appeared. But no, it was a date, apparently their first. And soon to be their last.

The Beautiful Young Brunette from LSU had apparently decided that at least 3 of the 4 boys were acceptable for her purposes. She left the table briefly and stepped outside to make a phone call. Soon another beautiful blonde girl they called “Hash” entered the restaurant and sat down at their table. She shined like the sun because she was so beautiful. And yet, oddly enough, the fourth boy paid little attention to her. He seemed distracted, playing with his cell phone. He had a game going and wanted to focus on it. His large, muscular friend seated next to him more than made up for Gameboy's lack of attention to the beautiful girls. He was sitting next to The Brunette and across from the first blonde, paying proper attention to each of them and frequently flashing his smile their way to reassure them.

Hash soon got up and moved over to a seat between The Brunette and The Stud. Gameboy never even noticed that Hash had left her seat, which was directly in front of him, and moved away. It was clear why The Brunette only felt that she needed one more girl. Gameboy wasn’t ready for a woman. Why waste a friend on him? Three girls, three boys, and a child. It was going to be a good night.

Suddenly the conversation of the Rich Plastic Couple intruded on the show I was watching over at The Brunette’s table.

“The first thing I want to do is take you and get some decent clothes. I want to buy you some shirts. That one is quite out of style,” the wealthy old woman with perfectly dyed brown hair and large breasts said with only a hint of a smile.

The wealthy white-haired man responded immediately. “I’ve dated plenty of women much younger than you, many of whom were quite high up in the fashion industry, and I’ll have you know that they found me to be very fashionable!” he hissed properly through perfect porcelain crowns.

“Well, that was surely a long time ago,” she countered. “That shirt is out of style. I want to outfit you properly.”

It got confusing from there, as they trailed off, debating the merits of the fashion industry in general for reasons perhaps only God himself could comprehend. And then The Rich Old Man made one last shot in his defense. It was clear that he was more than slightly insulted.

The Rich Old Woman then responded, without smiling and without the slightest hint of sincerity in her voice, “I was only kidding.”

They had arrived separately and it was clear that they would be leaving the same way. But even so, they both looked marvelous, and that was the most important thing.

Meanwhile, the College Dating Set had made their arrangements and left for a more private destination. I suspect the only one among them who didn’t get lucky that night was the Gameboy.

The Icy Old Wealthy Couple appeared to have struck out, with each presumably returning to their beachside mansions for another night of drinking wine alone in front of the TV.

I imagined them when they were younger, probably both attractive and treacherous, gleefully screwing people in their business deals, raking in the money and enjoying the life of backstabbing, sociopathic predators. How many people’s lives had they happily ruined? How many careers? How many bodies had they trampled in pursuit of the wealth and power that they now wore like a suit of armor?

I thought about them and their cold, bitchy, narcissistic personalities. I thought about the irony of their loneliness. For just a moment a brief flicker of hope appeared inside of me. Is it possible that there might be justice in this world?

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"Home" Again


After a week of reading in the sun and sand, and of hurling myself against the waves in the Atlantic Ocean in Florida, I am "home" again.

Yes, I put "home" in those quotes that the media uses to show that they disagree with a viewpoint or want the reader to view it with suspicion or sarcasm. Oh, I know, it's not "supposed" to be that way. Sure, they'll argue that it's not like that at all, but we all know the truth.

Redneckville is not my home and it likely never will be. I spent a great deal of time while on my vacation thinking about how much and why I hate it here. I still want to leave. In fact, I just flat out need to leave.

I don't know what all is wrong with me right now, but something clearly is. I enjoyed my vacation, but if I could I would have clung to the beach with all my might and never come back here again. I would leave the house, the Chevelle, the cats, everything here and just abandon it if I could get the hell out of here. This place is not where I belong. But other than my true home, the Rocket City, I don't know where to try to go. We still haven't visited Austin or Raleigh, but we need to. And now, after this trip, we're even talking about Jacksonville, Florida. Anywhere but here.

Since My Father died and several other traumatic events in my life all occurred roughly at the same time I seem to have changed somehow. I'm just not sure yet exactly how. Suddenly I'm struggling to blog, to find humor in the things around me, to simply communicate at all.

Last year I was on a photography kick. I was really into it. I took at least 5 rolls of photos while in Florida for a week, mostly photos of beautiful women and sunsets. This year, to show you how much things have changed, I didn't even finish off 1 roll. I brought 3 cameras with me. I took the 35mm out of the case for a few shots and then put it up and ignored it. I took out the new digital for a few experimental shots, just to see how the photos look once I get them on the computer, and then I put it up, too. I never used the third camera at all. I just didn't feel like it. I didn't care who or what was on the beach. I wasn't very interested for the most part. I went out, sat down, and read my book. And when I got hot I got out of my chair and jumped into the ocean. If anyone was out there with me, other than My Wife, I mostly ignored them.

I don't know how long it will take me to update my photoblog with the few pictures that I did take, but don't hold your breath while waiting. I've got a lot to do and this is the last thing on my mind.

Something disturbing and odd happened while I was down there, battling my demons and contemplating suing a certain person at the Gym I Hate. Late one night My Wife and I had to run to the grocery store. While we were checking out, an old man, probably in his 70s, was bagging our groceries. It bothered me to see a man this age working as a bagger in a grocery store in the midst of a community that is so wealthy. It bothered me even more that he looked a lot like My Dad. And then he spoke.

He had trouble speaking, like a man who had suffered a stroke. He spoke exactly like My Father did while he was in the hospital, back when we thought he was recovering, back just before he died. This man, despite his difficulty, spoke freely and enthusiastically to My Wife. I think he may have spoken to me, too, but I was busy with my credit card and my thoughts and didn't process fully what was happening until a few moments later. As we left I thanked him for his help and walked out.

That night, all night long, I dreamed strange dreams about My Family and My Father. Despite waking up at least 3 times during the night, every time I went back to sleep I had still another dream about him. The next morning I woke up feeling disturbed. And then something that had been rolling around in my brain began to form.

My Father's Brother was always a sort of drifter and not very stable, much like my own brother. He liked to move from place to place and was always hard to catch up with. Some say he may have preferred it that way for legal reasons, but I won't go into that just now. I have never met him and even if I had I wouldn't know him if I saw him these days. I don't believe he ever worked a steady job long enough to attain any sort of pension or retirement. No one in my family ever really knew how he was getting by. My Father used to point to older men doing jobs like the one our grocery bagger was doing and warn me, "Don't let that be you." It was a great fear of his that any of us should wind up that way, old and impoverished.

It really bothered me how much that old man bagging our groceries had reminded me of My Father. And then I remembered, last I had heard My Father's Brother had moved to Florida. Could that man bagging our groceries, who looked and sounded so much like My Father and was so close in age to him, have been My Uncle?
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Friday Search Terms

Every once in awhile I'll go look to see how many hits I'm getting each day (less than I used to by a long shot since Google moved me down in their rankings of search terms, apparently.) I also look at where people are coming from. And then I look at what search terms brought them to my doorstep. It's always something other than what I expected.

Number one in the rankings is - "417-208-1248"

Yes, the caller who just won't stop is now my number one search term. Apparently posting this asshat's phone number was doing myself a favor. Not only did they stop calling as soon as I posted it (and filed a complaint) but now they're drawing in countless new visitors to my blog. Yeah for the asshats!

Number two in the rankings is - "Debbie Dunning"

Yes, Debbie Dunning, the Tool Time girl who replaced Pamela Anderson, is my second highest rated search term behind that damned telemarketer. That's a real accomplishment for a telemarketer if you ask me, because Debbie Dunning was HOT HOT HOT. Surprisingly, Debbie's name is in the rankings, but Pamela Anderson's isn't. And I'm pretty sure I've posted photos of both of them along with their names.

Number three is - "Nude Blog"

Yeah well, why do you think I named it this in the first place? Pretty much "nude" anything is going to bring in the searchers at some point. Yeah me! I should've been in marketing.

Four is - "Sarah Michelle Gellar Nude"

When did I ever talk about Sarah Michelle Gellar? Not that I have anything against her. It's just that I don't remember ever writing anything about her or posting her photo. Huh.

Number five, oddly enough, is - "417-208-1248"

Yes, again! It shows up twice because it's just so popular. I don't know why that is.

Number six is - "Shannon Elizabeth see through"

Yes, super sexy and newly divorced Shannon Elizabeth, but not JUST Shannon Elizabeth. As if she isn't sexy enough on her own, she has to be "see through" too! Yeah, not topless, but see through. Go figure.

Number seven - "Brazilian Preteens"

You read that right - PRETEENS. I don't recall ever even using the word "preteen" on my blog, but apparently it leads to me anyway. Isn't it reassuring to know that extraordinarily picky pedophiles just might be commenting alongside you on my blog? Yes, weird people looking for pictures of Brazilian preteens are coming here to me. Great. Fabulous. Creepy.

Number eight, back again, is - "Raccoon Behavior"

This has been in the list for as long as I can remember now and I just don't know why. How can so many people be so interested in raccoon behavior and why, oh God why, do they come to my blog looking for it?

Number nine, proudly, is - "Nude Adrianna Chase"

Yes, Adrianna Chase, a woman who I don't even know who she is or what she does, is drawing in the masses to my lovely little blog. Thank you, Adrianna Chase, for this gift. Please send nude autographed photos of yourself so that I might post them and keep the hits coming!

Number ten, shockingly, is - "Memphis Steve"

Yes, me. People are looking for me. So many people are now looking for me that it registers as one of my top 10 search terms that leads people here. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, but there it is all the same. I'm famous. Or maybe infamous. I guess it depends on who you ask.

And now, the "Last 10 Keywords" that lead to my blog:

"Assorted Lovelies" - yeah, who talks like this? I could see "group of naked hot chicks" or "several naked women" or even "nude Brazilian soccer women", but not "assorted lovelies." Sort of makes me curious to see what this actually brings up.

"Raccoon Behavior" - so popular and common that it just happened again this morning. WTF?!

"Nude Sex XXX" - yeah, your 12-year-old son is searching for porn and he wants it real bad. Not the most creative search term, but pretty clear in its' intent, isn't it?

"Nude Army Thong Barracks" - again, a clear and highly precise search for some very specific porn. You go, boyz'n'grrlz!

"Adrianna Lima Nude" - this comes courtesy of my posting about Krista of Oceanaria, who looks a lot like Adrianna Lima, although I've never seen her nude. I mean Krista, of course. I've never seen Krista nude.

"Questions and answers on ask no questions I'll tell you no lies" - what?

"Debbie Dunning" - yeay baby! That's my girl! I love Debbie Dunning. She hasn't been acting in at least 10 years, but she's still hot on the search engine list. Super babe!

"Russian Nude Young Girls Pictures" - I think I've stumbled across more nude photos of Russian girls posing in pigtails and school uniforms than any other, and that was without even meaning to. I can't imagine how many results would come back from this search. Probably thousands. And yet, in amongst all those porn sites is me. Hey, at least they didn't say "preteen Russian girls" eh?

"Kneed a guy" - yeah, this doesn't make me feel very good. Why would this lead to my site? I don't want to even talk about this, let alone have people who do coming to my site searching for S&M porn or whatever. Go away, you man-hating bitches!

"Stevie Bobbitt" - who?

Finally, the top Visitor countries

United States - 604 hits - yay USA!
Canada - 49 hits - I love my Canadian friends! You have some seriously hot women.
United Kingdom - 36 hits - The Spice Girls are reading my stuff!
Czech Republic - 20 hits - Really? No one from there has ever commented that I know of. Anyone reading this from the Czech Republic? Please let me know.
Germany - 17 hits - this country produced both Claudia Schiffer and Heidi Klum, so as far as I'm concerned Germany is one of the greatest places on Earth just for those reasons alone.
Australia - 13 hits - Oh how I love Australia! And especially Australian women! Elle MacPherson is SO hot. Three cheers and a one-eyed salute to Australia, my future home!
United Arab Emirates - 8 hits - Please send oil. No, I'm kidding. That was a joke. You guys were the ones looking for the Russian girls, weren't you? Yeah, and I can't blame you. Other than oil, Russia's porn is its' second largest export, so you know they must have some good looking girls there. Otherwise they'd just be exporting oil and vodka. Like the saying goes, "Vodka - because I'm horny and you're ugly."
Italy - 7 hits - I don't know that anyone from Italy has ever left me a comment either. Hey you Italians, leave me a comment. Let me know you're there. Italian women, very nice. Send more.
France - 7 hits - Tied with Italy. Hey, sorry about the World Cup, eh? It was so close. I know it's frustrating, but at least you guys have a good shot at it again next time.
Singapore - 6 hits - Chris, is that you?

OK, so that's it. Wasn't that fun? I know I feel all warm and happy. Who knew I had people from so many different parts of the world coming to my blog to search for porn?

By the way, I won't be able to blog for the next several days. I don't want anyone to think I've gotten lazy and quit blogging. I'll be back soon enough.

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Yeah Right - part IV



















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So Tired!

I'm so tired. I ran Monday. Then Yesterday I worked out at home in the garage.

You know what? It's HOT in my garage at noon! Yep, it sure as hell is.

Today I came home at lunch and mowed the backyard. Then after work I came home and mowed the front. Then we went for a long walk. I was still in my mowing clothes, which were soaking wet and didn't exactly look .. eh ... normal. I was dripping, like I had just jumped out of the pool. So, all the high school kids are out for the summer and driving by yelling and pointing at the dripping wet man walking with his wife. Yeah, it was awesome.

So now I'm just dead tired.

And tomorrow I need to do another workout, something inside the house this time, involving weights and abs and sweating on the floor.

Yeah, but for right now I'm just dead.
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Twenty Ways To Maintain A Healthy Level of Insanity

Katie's friend

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point A HairDryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries withThat.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It "In".

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone Has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch To Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Sexual Favors "

7. Finish all Your Sentences With "In Accordance With The Prophecy."

8. Don't use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is "To Go."

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play Tropical Sounds All Day.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream "I Won!, I Won!"

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling "Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!"

19. Tell a member of your family Over Dinner. "Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go."

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity.......

20. Repost this list to make someone else smile. It's Called Therapy.

* This was just shamelessly stolen from Crystal J. Beatty of Ft. Lauderdale, Florida over on MySpace, and I don't care who knows it!

** Also, I have no idea why several of them are missing.
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Have You, Would You, Do You?

I stole this from Stacy the Peanut Queen. She says she was drunk when she filled hers out. I'm not drunk, just sick.

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?
Yep, a few times. They're a lot rougher on men than they are on women when they do this. I think it must be penis envy.

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coasters?
No way, what would be the point of getting on if you're going to do that?

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Years and years and years and years.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
I'd rather sleep with Courtney Cox or Kate Beckinsale if given the choice, but so far I haven't.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
I've got one living across the street from me right now. His name is Chad and he's a white gang bangin' police informant ghost boy.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
Yes, and so far it hasn't made me one thin dime.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?
No, but I do think he killed his ex-wife and a guy she invited over, named Ron.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?
I'd do Angelina, but I'd be mighty wary about stickin' around after. I have a strong aversion to sociopaths and a strong suspicion about her being one. Jennifer Aniston, on the other hand, seems more down to earth and easy to live with, just so long as you don't want to ever have a family. I do, though, so it'd just have to be a fling. Still, I would think I'd be a lot less likely to get herpes from Jennifer. Who can say? I couldn't easily turn down either one, now could I?

9. Do you stay friends with your exes?
I used to. I'm a doormat, apparently.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
I used to, back in college, but I can't remember it all anymore.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
I've been awake for 3 straight days several times at the Big Fucking Alabama Bank I used to work for when we had system problems. And did they ever give me one single fucking thing in return for that? A raise? An award? Any recognition at all? No fucking way. Lyin', spouse-cheatin', porn-stealin', backstabbing, divorcing, drug-using assholes.

12. What's your favorite commercial?
You know the cellphone commercial with the high school cheerleader talking on her phone while standing in a room filled with technicians who are waiting to see how long her battery lasts, and she's saying, "I was going to wear the white bathing suit and then she had it too. You got your head stuck in the sunroof? So not good. Mmm, chewing gum." That high squeaky voice she does and the stuff she says just cracks me up every time.

13. What are you allergic to?
Everything green, dust, my own sweat, and Hillary Clinton.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around do you run red lights?
I have at certain intersections when I knew the light didn't have a sensor and was just going to leave me sitting there forever, but I don't do it in general. I'm the kind of person who gets busted the first and only time they do something.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Probably, but it's not likely anything interesting. I can't even think of what it might be.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
Cubs or Braves, baby. This ain't New England down here and I don't give a shit about their teams.

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes, I even have an old T-shirt they gave me at the old RocketCity Skate Center. They were giving the shirts away because they were printed with the name of the city misspelled. The very first time I skated I noticed how all the novices went really slow and kept falling down, so I figured if I went really fast I might stay up better, sort of like riding a bike. Guess what? I was right. I didn't fall once. Then, my second time skating, I had the wipe out from hell - face down and head first into the wall at full speed.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Not often, although lately it's been more frequent. Usually it only happens if something is wrong, like me being sick, or stressed, or upset. And sometimes changes in the seasons bring on lots of dreams. Otherwise, I don't usually even recall dreaming anything at all.

19. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried?
The other night, I saw "Kung Fu Hustle" for the very first time. SUCH a funny movie!

20. Can you name 5 songs by The Beatles?
Hell, I can pull out 5 original vinyl albums and as many 45s with "Apple Records" stamped on them. Yes, I can name 5 songs by The Beatles. Hell yes I can.

(My Wife has been playing the same 3 Sheryl Crow songs over and over for the past hour while I have been blogging and working on this and it hasn't even bugged me. Weird, huh?)

21. What's the one thing on your mind now?
My taint itches and it's hard to scratch through my jeans.

22. Do you know who Ghetto-ass barbie is?
No, but the way things are these days I'm betting it's a guy.

23. Do you always wear your seat belt?
Yes, when I was in the fifth grade I was the captain of the patrols (yeah, shut the fuck up.) I was walking my "beat" when I heard police sirens coming down the road fast. Then a high school girl in a big '70s car came flying down the road, skidding around the turn onto the street I was walking next to, clipped the curb with her front passenger side wheel, slid down the front seat and slammed against the passenger side door, quickly reached over and grabbed the steering wheel as the now driverless car careened up the curb, across the sidewalk 5 inches from killing me, and pulled herself back behind the wheel just in time to slam on the brakes as her car headed into the field and stopped just short of crashing into a 6 foot deep ditch that criss-crossed the field. Then she threw it in reverse and backed across the field and down the curb back onto the street, nearly running me over once again, before throwing it back into drive and skidding off as fast as she could. The cops never caught her, but I learned a valuable lesson about what can happen if you're driving a car and suddenly need to run from the cops without wearing your seatbelt. So from the day I had my license I have always worn my seatbelt. The law is bullshit, but I wear it because I think it's a damned good idea. Otherwise, you might crash your car and get busted while running from the police.

24. What cell service do you use?
I think we use Lousy Cell Service. Pretty sure about that.

25. Do you like sushi?
I can take it or leave it. Unless by "sushi" you mean pussy.

26. Have you ever narrowly avoided a fatal accident?
Yes, a few. Memories of some of the near death experiences I have had courtesy of some really stupid drivers in Alabama, Mississippi, and Tennessee are one of the reasons that I am so resistant to buying a compact car and never feel safe in my minitruck.

27. What do you wear to bed?
Did you not see the HNT posting of my smiley-faced boxer shorts?

28. Been caught stealing?
No, I have never been all that big on stealing. My brother, on the other hand ... nevermind.

29. What shoe size do you have?

30. Do you truly hate anyone?
I think I just might, but I'm not sure yet.

31. Classic Rock or Rap?
I HATE HATE HATE rap. I'd rather listen to Big Band or Swing or even Country than Rap any day of the week. And I'm a Heavy Metal fan.

32. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Ever heard of Carmen Electra?

33. Favorite Song?
There is a duet between Live! and Shelby Lynne, called "Run Away", that I could listen to 100 times in a row and not be sick of it.

34. Have you ever sang in front of the mirror?
Probably back in college when I was playing guitar and recording songs, but not since.

35. What food do you find disgusting?
Salmonella Chicken

36. Do you sing in the shower?
No, but sometimes I fart musically and make bubbles.

37. Did you ever play, "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours"?
Yes, but no one else wanted to play so it was just "I'll show you mine."

38. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
Probably, but I can't think of a specific time.

39. Have you ever stood up for someone you hardly knew?

40. Have you ever been punched in the face?
I've been in fist-fights, but I can't remember a time when the other guy ever landed a good shot to my face. I've never lost a fight. But I have boxed and kickboxed, both of which involved me getting punched in the face several times. I guess it depends on what you're counting as getting punched in the face.

OK, well that's all there is. Now I have to go eat supper. I'm tired.
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Memphis Steve's Thoughts and Questions - Part I

If the male birds have all the color and female birds are mostly gray or brown, what does a female bluejay look like? Has anyone ever seen one?

Why do the history books in U.S. public schools never mention that both Hitler and Stalin were leaders of the socialist party in their respective countries, just as Fidel Castro, Chavez, and Mugabe of Zimbabwe are today? Is there no important lesson to be learned from that?

Why is it that the people who complain the loudest and most often that they can't afford health care and didn't get a tax cut can afford $3000 for a set of 22" spinners and tires for their Cadillac Escalade?

Why are condom packages hard to open?

Why do people celebrate art that conveys powerful emotion, yet never celebrate an angry email that does the same? Should artists sit on their work for 24 hours to let themselves calm down before submitting it?

Why does The Blogger wait until you've scrolled halfway down the list of comments before refreshing itself and sending you all the way back to the top? If I'd wanted to be at the top I wouldn't have gone to the trouble of scrolling down in the first place.

Why is it wrong to call the UK a continent? I asked a girl from Leeds if London was in the center of the continent and she said, "no, that would be Switzerland." I was talking about an entirely different land mass. When does an island become a continent? How big does it have to be?

Why do insects drown while getting a drink?

If evolution were true wouldn't mammals cease to exist by virtue of survival of the fittest? I'm thinking specifically about the external genitalia we call testicles here. No way in hell this design made it through "survival of the fittest." Nothing could be more vulnerable and less suited to survival than this.

Is it a requirement to be a fitness instructor on TV that you have an annoying laugh and use it often? It sure seems like it.

big balls
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Crazy Person In The House

Oh my God, I'm tired! It's sort of raining outside and it's dark. At least that gives us some relief from the heat. But even so, it just makes me even more tired. I can barely keep my eyes open. I swear I slept the normal amount last night, but somehow I just can't wake up this morning. True, I haven't had my coffee yet. But I did poo. I couldn't wait. I had to poo first thing when I woke up, before I had even stepped into the shower. How annoying is that? Who wants to wake up to a poo? Not me, I can tell you that.

So anyway, My Wife is freaking out over the concept of us moving. First she fought me like a demon from hell for 2 straight days. And now she's decided that we must pack up the house RIGHT NOW.

OK, here's the thing, we haven't even found a house we want to make an offer on, let alone bought it. So what the hell is with this packing up now?

She always does this. It's like, if I suggested we go look for a new pair of shoes she'd throw the old ones away and go barefoot. She hasn't actually done this yet, but it's what she's doing with the house.

We have a vacation planned for a few weeks from now. Guess what is in the living room and has been for a week already?

Can't guess?

It's her luggage. She's already packed and ready to go. So for the next month we get to live with her luggage scattered all over the living room. And this while we are supposedly pulling out all our books and things and boxing them up for the move to the house we haven't found yet.

Perhaps you might be thinking, "you should say something to her about this. This just seems really extreme."

Oh Lord, don't ever SAY anything. If you say anything she'll go ballistic. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about. I said something and for 2 days straight it was devil's night inside our house. What a nightmare. She went through the roof.

So anyway, I'm really, really tired. Did I mention this before? Well, I am. I'm tired. And when I get home from work I'm supposed to be packing up all our things into boxes that we don't have for a move to a house that we haven't found.

Is anyone else married to a crazy person, or is it just me?
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Memphis Monday Mush

All night long I dreamed weird dreams. The only one I remember is my last dream. A man was in the hospital for some reason. I was there to see him. He wasn't conscious so I was just bored. I wandered around looking for a bathroom. Instead of using the stairs or elevator I was apparently an expert burglar or something because I would go up through the ceiling to reach the next floor above. No one in the hospital ever seemed to notice, even when I emerged in the middle of the hallway.

I'm dead tired. I'd like to think that something funny will eventually come out if I just keep writing, but I'm doubtful. I'm just dead tired. Plus, I need to poop and get some coffee. How can a man be expected to be funny when he hasn't pooped or had his coffee?

So, nothing happened in traffic this morning. And by nothing I mean that aside from seeing 2 reasonably attractive women jogging as I drove in to work I don't think I passed another person or car anywhere. It was a weird feeling, with the morning sun shining at that unique summer angle that it does and me not having the radio on. It reminded me of when I was a little kid riding my bike to school. It was always a weird feeling. I don't know how to explain that any better.

Apparently President Bush and the Prime Minister of Japan didn't do anything else exciting while they were in Memphis because I haven't heard anything more about it. I guarantee Priscilla and Lisa Marie are long gone already. They probably left the minute the President turned his back. Who stays in Memphis when you can go home to L.A.?

Well, I guess it's time to poo.
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Paris Hilton Has 2 Dates, both involve a judge

By Sarah Hall
Thu Jan 5, 7:21 PM ET

Apparently, Paris Hilton never learned the old adage "If you don't have something nice to say, don't say it."

Accusations of backstabbing behavior on the hotel heiress' part have earned Hilton her day in court in two separate trials.

Diamond heiress Zeta Graff, who once dated Hilton ex Paris Latsis, has filed a lawsuit seeking at least $10 million in damages, alleging that Hilton slandered her by deliberately planting "vicious lies" about her in the press.

Hilton is due in a Los Angeles courtroom on Jan. 17 for a hearing on the matter.

Graff took legal action last summer after the New York Post published a story in July, claiming that she had gone "berserk" and attacked Hilton at a London nightclub, where she was supposedly observed trying to strangle the celebutante and rip a diamond necklace from her neck in a jealous rage.

"This is a woman who is older and losing her looks, and she's alone. She's very unhappy," the source for the item helpfully told the Post about Graff.

Graff denied the story and claimed in her suit that Hilton had told her, "I'm going to destroy you," after failing to have Graff booted from the club.

Hilton's former publicist Rob Shuter has since admitted in a deposition to planting the item on orders from the vengeful heiress.

"I listened carefully. I took notes. And then, I made a call. Then, I called the Post," Shuter said in his Dec. 16 videotaped deposition.

Shuter claimed that Hilton herself was the anonymous source quoted in the item and that she referred to herself in the third person while feeding him quotes, such as: "'It's one thing to lose your boyfriend to Paris Hilton--it's another to find her wearing your family jewels,' mused one observer."

Hilton has reportedly admitted in court documents to fabricating the Graff encounter, but has claimed through her attorneys that she was not responsible for the item going into print.

"Hilton believes that certain statements contained in the article were communicated to the New York Post by Robert Shuter of Dan Klores Communications, without Hilton's prior consent, knowledge, participation or authorization," Hilton's legal team claimed in court documents filed in September.

However, according to the Post, Shuter had Hilton sign a waiver, excusing him of any liability stemming from the item, and kept a record of her emails and phone calls relating to the matter.

On Tuesday, Graff amended her original complaint and further accused Hilton of repeatedly perjuring herself during a Nov. 9 deposition in the case.

"The evidence has shown that, in an obvious attempt to mask her own liability and reduce her overall exposure in this case, Hilton lied under oath at her deposition time and time again," Graff's attorneys stated in the documents.

Graff was confident about her chances of winning her case against her rival.

"Hilton will learn a valuable lesson about what happens when you try to ruin another person's reputation," Graff told the Post. "She made a number of false statements about me, and she repeatedly lied under oath during her recent deposition. I look forward to her explaining all of this to a jury."

Meanwhile, Graff's case isn't the only matter requiring Hilton's presence in a Los Angeles courtroom on Jan. 17.

The House of Wax star is also involved in a second case filed by club promoter Brian Quintana, who claims that Hilton harassed him and threatened his life.

He is seeking a restraining order against Hilton and previously served her with a "cease and desist" letter, in which he claimed that she was badmouthing him around Hollywood and "ruining his reputation and interfering with his business relationships."

Hilton's spokesman Elliot Mintz denied that his client was guilty of Quintana's allegations.

"I can assure you that when all of the facts are revealed in this matter, they will show that the victim is, in fact, Paris Hilton," he told the Associated Press.
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