Weekly Ramble

Stop picking on me, you nasty old bitches!

Elizabeth Hasselbeck has finally figured out that the reason she is the only non-communist on The View is because fanatical morons enjoy ganging up on everyone else for a good brown-shirt-like gang-bang. Not only is she the youngest, but she's also the only one who isn't dead fucking ugly, so you know the other bitches are steaming with jealousy over her. Of COURSE they gang up on her. They'd rip out her hair and tear her clothes if they thought the audience would cheer for it. And in fact, the audience being a bunch of empty-headed morons who only wandered in because Maury Povich isn't on, probably would cheer. Still, it's not like Elizabeth has so many options other than this pathetic piece-of-shit show. She might as well stick around and keep cashing her paychecks for as long as she can. Revenge is best served cold and the best revenge she can get is to stay for several more seasons and watch the other bitches wrinkle up like prunes and get fat. She doesn't have to say a word to piss them off. She just has to be prettier than they are. Mission accomplished.

Oh damn, I'm all out of vodka. Guess I'll go for a drive!

Heather Locklear was busted for drunk driving in California. I don't know why they still make it illegal to drink and drive in California. Hell, in a state where anything goes you'd think they'd be a little more 'tolerant'. But no, they love their drugs and hate people who drink, especially when they're rich and famous. Anyway, all she has to do to get out of the ticket is marry some Lindsay Lohan wannabe and the press will suddenly love on her so much that the judge will be too afraid to punish her.

House of Biatches kills Bailout Bill

Oh well, most of the time, especially where money is involved, the less the U.S. Government gets involved, the better. If there's one sure way to take something bad and make it much, much worse, it's to let the fucking Government stick their noses in and throw our money at it. I heard the Democrats were cheering all day yesterday at the news of how far down the stock market was diving while the House was voting to kill the bill. That pretty much tells you all you need to know about their priorities, but I can't say the death of the bill was a bad thing.

Oh no, we might have to work this out for ourselves!

I'm blog hopping a lot lately. There hasn't been enough action in the comments around here to keep me occupied, so I've gone whoring it up elsewhere. Most are in my blogroll and the rest are going to be. Some good ones where I've drank up all their beer and passed out at are:

The Whine Guide - you better have a thick skin if you want to hang out with Fingers. He'll rip you a new one and then insult your mother before you've barely just walked in the door. It's fun in a pay-you-to-hurt-me sort of way. But then, you know about my mother, right? Yeah, drinks are on me.

Elegantly Wasted - OK, so this blog is private unless Kylie decides to invite you. But if you can find her and get in, it's a blast. Kylie isn't half as wild as the people who comment there, but she's got a reputation to uphold and we've all got just enough money for drinks to help her do it. Take it off, Kylie! Yeah, dance on the bar like a stripper! WOOOOOOO! OK, so she hasn't stripped for us, but I'm working on it.

What's This On My Hand - Jobe is a funny man. Today he's written about his latest poop. Sound familiar? My kind of blog.

Mommy Has A Headache - You all know Emma, right? Surely you've visited her before. She's got that dry British way of crapping on something and seeming just so proper and polite as she does so. I love that. I steal her silverware while I'm over there and she doesn't even try to stop me.

Steph Does Blogger Again - 2 years ago a blogger named Steph was whoring it up all over the internet and leaving insulting comments on my blog. Then, from out of nowhere, another Steph appeared. I could tell instantly that something was odd, because the comments from new Steph were sooo nice. Then, for no apparent reason, Original Steph just up and disappeared. 2 years later I was e-married to New Steph and she was leaving me crying as she exited The Blog for other pursuits. Wouldn't you know, just as she was telling me she didn't love me anymore and walking out my door, Original Steph returned. Check her out. If you're expecting nice and ladylike, you're in for a shock. Snarky doesn't even begin to cover it.

Clyde Beside the Sea - Clyde is a real ladies' man. He was just writing the other day about his appreciation for women's breasts. He offers free breast exams, not because he's a perv, but simply because he cares. What a nice guy!

Storm in a Teacup - Jen is a settled down, happy Aussie wife and mother who writes about life from her own unique perspective. Sound like a Hallmark movie? Well, imagine if they cussed a lot. Then throw in some sarcasm. Then get rid of the Hallmark part. There you go.

Emunctory - Unique Stephen, you've heard of him, right? He's here from time to time. Just the other week a tree fell on his vehicle and exploded into splinters. Before that, he was putting out fires and posting photos that someone who was apparently afraid to fight the fire themself, but happy to photograph him as he did it, took of his adventures. He's seen more of America than I have, and he doesn't even live here.

OK, so that's enough for today I suppose. I know I've forgotten to mention some other good ones. Shrinking Kitty, Josh, and several others. Anyway, go check'em out. Tell'em I sent you. Then come back and tell me if they threw anything at you when you mentioned me.

obama clinton
The NEW Democratic Party - no grrlz allowed!

And now for something I used to listen to all the freakin' time ...

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WaMu becomes biggest bank to fail in US history

I tried to shed a tear. I tried to feel sorry for these anti-white male fuckers.

But I could not.

Anyone who has seen their commercials knows what I'm talking about.

Goodbye WaMu.

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Is There Anybody Out There?

Obama Man

So the news this week is mildly entertaining. And since I'm having to miss all the new shows on TV due to helping My Niece move, and not getting to work out due to still having this virus or whatever it is, I think I'll just comment on whatever ...

Clay Aiken Finally Realizes He's Gay

We've all known it since the very first time we saw him, but he hasn't known until just now. Apparently the hundreds, if not thousands, of stand-up comics doing jokes about how gay he is finally got through to him. Or is this just peer pressure and he only 'thinks' he's gay? Nah, as gay goes, he's pretty damn gay.

WaMu, the racist, sexist bank, teeters towards bankruptcy

Apparently bashing on white males all the time isn't as profitable as some seem to think. Washington Mutual, the big mortgage company that devoted every single dime of its' advertising budget to bashing white males despite a wave of protests, is begging a bunch of white males to save their bigoted ass from bankruptcy. Personally, I say let it burn.

Man charged with battery for farting near cop

A man in West Virginia farted while being booked into jail. The officer said it smelled bad and charged him with battery. I'm sure infamous prosecutor Mike Nifong would gladly take this case and do everything in his power to crucify this cop-killer, 'cuz that's how he rolls! Who knew that farting could be declared a crime? Especially when infamous West Virginian spouse-abuser and sex-offender Lorena Bobbitt was acquitted there for a far worse crime than farting.

South Africa appoints Motlanthe to succeed Mbeki

Isn't this just the same guy, only with a few letters moved around in his name? I swear, all those African dictators' names look alike to me.

Hey baby, remember me?

N.Korea ousts U.N. monitors, to restart atom bomb plant

Wasn't I just talking about this psycho last week? "Shoot his ass - SHOOT HIS ASS!"

Man falls to death after police Taser gun attack

Chalk up another fatal shooting courtesy of the fine folks at Taser International's Down Home Country Torture Devices. It isn't entirely Taser's fault this time, though. Police shot this distraught man with the deadly torture gun as he was standing naked on the ledge of a building. I mean, what the hell did they think would happen?

Kentucky man's penis amputated during surgery for no damn reason

A Kentucky man went in for a circumcision and came out with no penis at all after his apparently deranged and brain-damaged surgeon just decided to cut the whole thing off. The surgeon claimed that he 'thought' he detected cancer, but he never bothered consulting with the victim, his patient, or allowed him to get a second opinion. The victim went in for a useless and rather agonizing circumcision procedure which he was advised to get in order to alleviate inflammation. What he got was total sexual annihilation. In his complaint, the victim states, "What the fuck?!"

Politically Correct Rape Victim

Kidnapped Montana Boy Escapes Politically Correct Captor

A boy who was 11 years old when a man kidnapped him and subjected him to 6 years of sexual abuse has escaped at the age of 17. News programs want to interview him, but only on the condition that he never say the words "gay" or "anal rape". Shawn Hornbeck, one of several victims of the PC Molester, said no one in The Press will talk to him unless he signs an agreement not to say anything about his captor's sexual orientation or talk about being raped by him. Rumors that the kidnapper is a former Disney child-star have been quietly squashed.

Rich people

Clinton and Bono say crisis no excuse to ignore poverty

Bill Clinton and Bono have joined forces to harass other people not as rich as themselves for not giving enough money to poor people. Meanwhile, rumors are floating around that Bill Clinton has been constantly reminding Bono that he plays a mean saxophone and could be a "kick-ass addition" to the band U2. Also, Clinton's attempts at creating a reality show in which he travels around to various upper-class parties as a paid guest with various 20-something socialites, such as Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, has not met with much enthusiasm from either the major networks or the 20-something socialites he was hoping to score with.

Not getting to tap that

So anyway, I spent all of last night moving furniture and trying to figure out how to get a giant green couch through a door less than half the size of the couch. How did they get the thing in there? Are you sure it has to go out? Do you have a chainsaw? So much fun. Not!

Tonight I'll be doing the same, only this time it will involve a truck and hopefully more people. Hopefully I'll get to bed at a decent time tonight because I didn't last night and I am dying.

Tomorrow night I get to drive for 3 1/2 hours before arriving at my own home and collapsing into my own bed.

I did manage to catch a few glimpses of the TV, which was on while I was moving furniture around My Mom's house to make room for My Niece's coming furniture. I saw that on Pen and Tellers's show, "Bullshit" they spent almost an entire episode in Rockettown talking about the space program and some of the aerospace crap we have here in The Rocket City. They even interviewed a few local NASA people before turning around and ripping on NASA about being inefficient and expensive.

Then they asked the question no one is supposed to ask - why is it that in the '50s and '60s NASA was able to do impossible things with less technology than we have today in an ordinary wrist watch, yet today it seems like they can't do even half as much?

No mention was made of the social programs the U.S. Government has implemented since those amazing days, programs used to hire and promote based on sex and race rather than on intellect and skill and which have only grown bigger, more powerful, and more bloated since they began some 40 years ago.

Such is the power of politics and denial. Sure we can't do shit anymore, but look how diverse our space program is now! Hardly any white males at all.

And isn't that all that really matters?

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Nude Supermodels and Family Drama

Every time I yawn today my jaw clicks.

I can't stop yawning.

Because I am DEAD tired.

If you didn't know already, I am working a job in my old hometown, but I have a house back in Memphis still. So I'm staying at My Mom's during the week and going home on weekends. It's not fun, but it's what I have to do. Plus, My Mom wants me there because she's never lived alone before and Dad died 2 years ago. My Youngest Sister and her Preacher Husband moved in with her for awhile, but they moved out a week before I moved in. Rumor has it they were nearly insane by the time they left.

My Niece is getting a divorce. It's all very stressful and unhappy. She has a 3-year-old daughter. Her lease is up and divorces aren't cheap, as about half of you probably already know. So she and her daughter are moving into My Mom's house, too.

Listen, we had 7 of us living there when I was growing up, so before you start to say "wow, crowded much" the fact is, no, it won't be crowded at all.

OK, I tried to figure out how to properly punctuate that previous sentence, especially since Cat is grading people on grammar on their Nude Supermodel Blogs, but I just couldn't do it. Meanwhile, I wasn't kidding about the Nude Supermodel Blog. She's beautiful and interested in talking to bloggers to pass the time, so do her a favor and go pay her a visit. Leave some comments while you're there, unlike over here where no one comments and it's as quiet as a library, except when I'm farting and giggling, which is all the time.

Anyway, My Niece is moving in and she wants the room I was staying in. It's not 'my' room and I don't care. So last night I spent all night moving downstairs into another room. Tonight I'll be doing more moving of things in preparation for her stuff being brought in. And Thursday night I'll be helping HER move.

Yay! So much fun.

So I missed "House" on TV last night. And I had the joyous fun of moving the computer downstairs and setting it all back up, router and modem and all, which was easier than I had expected because if anything can go wrong that will require me to be on the phone with those fuckers at AT&T then it will, you know? But it didn't. Big shock.

So, there I was just getting the computer set up at midnight, testing it out by surfing over to various blogs and leaving comments, when I noticed that super-Aussie-blogger Kylie was either commenting right before me everywhere I went, or right after me.


It was as if we were stalking each other, only it wasn't entirely clear which was the stalker and which was the hot chick.

OK, so Kylie is the hot chick, but I swear I wasn't stalking her. Seriously. Anyway, I don't think I've EVER had a comment over here from Kylie. This can only mean one thing.

I'm not sexy enough.

I still haven't found a gym to join. I really need to get on that. My 'abs' are looking like a beach ball that has been overinflated lately. I don't think you even call these 'abs' because they just look like one big ab and it isn't pretty or sexy in the least. I'm doing ab work in the floor at the house, but that isn't really good enough. I need a better and more complete workout than that.

Anyway, my jaw is clicking. And I'm falling over in my chair from lack of sleep. I feel like death warmed over. Which reminds me, my coffee gets cool in about 2 seconds, which is annoying. And I've let a problem slip while working exclusively on a crisis for another group, so now I need to let the crisis sit and go back to the problem again. And while all of this is going on, my computer seems to be crashing.

Yay me!
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Survey with piss taken out and assorted Memphricasms

Today is the first day of Fall. Some people call it Autumn, but I call it Fall. You can call it a Kaiser blade, but I call it a slingblade. You can call me Jay, but ya doesn't have ta call me Ray.

I'm in a bit of a funk these days. Instead of going running I went out to eat with an old friend. I didn't know what to order so I just got what he got. Yeah, lemming much? Sometimes I'm weak like that. Don't hate. Well, it was solid cheese and steak and about a zillion calories. I ate about three quarters of it and had to stop. It's been several hours and I still feel like a small German automobile is parked in my protuding belly. I'm trying to lose the belly, not add to it. My friend's dinner choice didn't help at all. And the worst part is, he didn't even eat his. He ate the salad that came with it and then brought it home in a box for later. Bastard! So that's how he keeps that high school physique, dammit.

There's a big election coming up soon here in the Divided States of America. I should care. I should get upset or excited or something. I'm trying, really I am. It's just that I feel so betrayed by all concerned. I feel like Toto pulling back the curtain on the real Wizard of Oz as he cranks away at his illusion machine. The truth is, if Obama and McCain both died of Chinese food poisoning while eating at a McDonald's in the Chicago ghetto I wouldn't care.

I think a race between Biden and Palin would be more fun anyway. It'd be old loser vs young inexepienced unknown, with everyone voting for the woman just because she's a woman. Wait, we have that already, except they're voting for the black guy just because he's a black guy. Oh damn, is there nothing new under the sun?

They're telling me the Republicans may lose more seats in Congress. I'm supposed to get excited. They're telling me the Republicans may gain more seats in Congress. I'm supposed to get excited again. I don't care. I just want them all to shut the hell up. There are no leaders in our nation's capital today. There are only country club assholes and bitches pretending to give a shit about The People and our nation's future. And I am increasingly finding myself detached and disinterested in their posturing and bullshit. They don't want my vote, they've made that clear enough. American corporations don't want my business. They've made that clear, too. I'm the wrong sex and the wrong race. Employers want me to do the work of everyone they've hired based on race and sex in addition to my own, yet I'm the first one they let go when the times get rough because the Government says I don't matter. CBS says I must be a serial killer by virtue of being a white male. I'm thinking Australia is looking prettier every day.

So, in the spirit of the first day of "I don't caring about the upcoming election at all", I give you a survey that I hope to God I haven't published before and somehow forgotten ...

[1] What's your name spelled backwards?
eaT mE

[2] Have you ever seen your best friend cry?
Yes, but sometimes that happens when you're sparring and you both throw a sidekick at the same time. Damn cups don't do shit.

[3] What are you listening to right now?
Heath Ledger's ghost whispering to me in the dark

[4] Last thing you ate?
Mexican lasagna and Mexican waitress

[5] Did you get any compliments today?
Yes, I was told that I cry over hot Australian bloggers like a real modern man. And then I was told that my Mexican lasagna gave me a spicy tongue.

[6] Have you ever gone to court?
Yes, and I scored 24 points all by myself, too.

[7] What's the seventh text message in your inbox say?
Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry. Big boys don't cry.

[8] Are you friends with your neighbors?
Yeah, we've known each other for awhile. I wish I knew his sisters better back in high school.

[9] Favorite colors?
Red and blue arranged on a white background to form an Australian flag.

[10] What states have you lived in?
Consciousness, Unconsciousness, and Semi-consciousness

[11] What time were you born?
7 am on the dot. My cell phone alarm was going off as I entered the world in a haze of afterbirth and butt smacking. Then I got a text message that said "Welcome to AT&T!" That's when the trouble first began. I should have gone with Verizon, but there were so few choices there in the uterus back then.

[12] Coach purse or NFL tickets?
What the hell is a coach purse? Gimme the tickets!

[13] Preppy or Punk in a boy?
I was a prep at first, but then I went all heavy metal angry jerk for awhile. And I prefer girls, thank you.

[14] When was the last time you drove more than 15 minutes?
This afternoon, coming home from stalking. I mean, from work.

[15] Have you ever thrown up from drinking?
Not that I can remember, and that's all I'm saying.

[16] Do you have unlimited texting?
No, I have expensive texting

[17] Does it annoy you when people type like they're ghetto?
Yo, wuzzup wit dat? Yea it dew.

[18] Is your hair long?
No, I got a Brazilian last weekend.

[19] Do you have acrylic nails on right now?
No, just my own normal nails like any straight white boy would

[20] Have you ever had a crush on your siblings friend?
I can't recall ever crushing on any of my sister's friends. As for my brother, all his friends were loser guys.

[21] Have you ever gone to the beach?
As often as I can.

[22] Do you remember your music teacher's name from elementary?
No, I just remember that he was fat and gay

[23] How old are your parents?
Dead and older than dirt

[24] How good is your eyesight?
Excellent, but at the moment something is blinding me and making my eyes all red and bloodshot. Maybe it's all this porn I'm downloading?

[25] Would you ever want to swim with the sharks?
Not especially, but I suppose if a hot girl was somehow involved I could be persuaded to do almost anything.

[26] What would you say if I told you I liked your brother?
Yeah, I'd be dropping you from my friends list like a hooker with gonorrhea

[27] What’s the longest amount of time you've been on an airplane?
Do you count the time I spent loading all the drugs, or just the time I was hiding in the cargo area during the actual flight?

[28] Have you ever been out of your country?
Yes, but they made me come back, dammit

[29] Are you wanting to redo your bedroom?
Yeah, I want to redo it with Playboy playmates

[30] What's the best wedding you've been to?
Lauren's at Berry College. But I can't tell you why or you'll think I'm a pervert. Of course, if you've been reading this blog for any length of time then you already know.

[31] Would your parents be mad if you got arrested for fighting?
No, but they didn't come bail me out either. I mean, hypothetically IF I were to have ever been arrested for fighting, of course. Shut the fuck up.

[32] Ever been in love?
Yes, but she's gonna marry that guy from Melbourne anyway, dammit.

[33] Do you have a Honda, Toyota or Nissan?
Nissan pickup and no, you can't borrow it.

[34] Did you give anyone a dirty look today?
Dirty finger

[35] Who was the last person to call you baby?
I think it was Cher. No wait, she said 'babe'. She said "I got you, babe." My bad.

[36] What time did you wake up this morning?
7 am and I felt like hell.

[37] What are you doing this weekend?
Raping and pillaging, like always

[38] Are you dating anyone right now?
Yes, but don't tell my wife. She might not let me go and Mr. Hefner said the girls are really excited that I'm coming.

[40] Has someone smacked your butt in the past week?
Yes, but I had to pay her.

[41] What’s your favorite Disney movie?
Nothing they've made in a long time, unless you credit them for Pixar and Dreamworks' stuff, which I don't.

[42] What is in your back pocket?
My ass is all

[43] Do you wear colored contacts?
No, I have perfect stalker vision

[44] What were you doing at 4am this morning?
Peeking in girls' windows and pulling stickers out of my ass just prior to getting arrested for fighting.

[45] Who was the last person you went to the movies with?
Tony, a few weeks ago. Poor Heath. Australia just keeps losing its' biggest stars, eh? Damn shame.

[46] Do you like where you are right now?
No, but if you'll shift just a hair to the left .... ah, that's it. Now I do.

[47] What would you change about your life?
All my choices from 9th grade onward.

[48] What are you excited for?
Sex, usually

[49] Do you miss someone?
Yes, I miss myself. I don't know where I've gone to. And Steph Shaw. I miss Steph. And does anybody here remember Vera Lynn? Remember how she said that we would meet again some sunny day?

[50] Are you high-maintenance?
No, I'm high-mileage

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Out Of The Office

"I will be out of the office from Friday Sept 19th to Monday Oct 2. If you have an emergency I have dumped all of my responsibilities on Memphis Steve. He can be reached at 1-205-883-1052.


Oh how I hate these fucking "out of the office" emails! Not only do they needlessly distract me from my work (facebook), but they also remind me that someone else has left to go on some fucking vacation to a beach somewhere and I'm not getting to go with them.

It's not that I'm jealous. It's more that I'm selfish. If I could, I'd make them stay here and I'd go in their place. I think mere jealousy would mean that I simply went along, too. Fuck that. Gimme your tickets that you paid for and the keys to your condo, biatch. Got a rental car? I'll be needing that.

I hate how the message pops up on my screen just long enough to piss me off before it fades away like a ghost. I don't even get the satisfaction of slamming it closed with the mouse pointer or anything. What I'd really like is to throw it in the trash and listen to the sound effect that I added for my trash - "SCRUNCH! EEEEEEEEEEEK!"

I love customizing the sounds on my computers. Everything is a bang or a scream or a fart or an explosion. No one ever wants to work with me for long because my computer is so offensive. And that's the way I like it. When there's a computer error, I don't get one of those "Ka-Donk" sounds like everyone else. Oh hell no. My computer screams "DIE, YOU FUCKING SOULESS BITCH FROM HELL!" Yeah, I got that from some movie. I can't even remember who it was who said it, but it makes a computer error so much more fun for me.

There used to be a time when every computer geek in the world customized all his computer sounds. And I do mean 'his' because there were no female computer geeks and if there were any I didn't know about I know they didn't have cool sounds like I do 'cause girl geeks aren't as cool as boy geeks.

I nearly choked on that statement as I wrote it. OK, 'cool' and 'computer geek' doesn't exactly go together. Still, I enjoyed the fantasy and my pleasure is all that matters. Eat me!

Oh, that's another thing my computer shouts at inappropriate times. "EAT ME, YOU SHITTERS!" Again, I can't remember where I got that one, but it's awesome every single time. It's set for one of those rare errors that you never see coming, so I don't hear it all that often. Oh, but when I do it's a treasure.

Even better than getting to enjoy my own fabulous geeky masterpiece is hearing about other people having been in my office doing things with my computer while I was away which they had no business doing, only to be thoroughly offended and embarrassed by the foul little electronic bastard.

"I was just checking my email during a break in a training class - I didn't think he'd mind - when the machine started screaming obscenities and farting. And other people standing in the hallway outside thought it was MEEEEEEEEE!" *sob*

Yeah, fuck you for getting onto my computer without my permission anyway. Sure, I realize that technically the computer belongs to the company and isn't mine, but technically the chair at your desk isn't yours either. I'll bet you'd just love it if I went into your office and swapped your favorite little ass-hugger with some wobbly piece of shit from a conference room, wouldn't you? Yeah, suddenly that is YOUR chair and you want it back. Well too bad, 'cause you don't know where it is now, do you? BWA HA HA HAAAAA!

Oh sorry, I went a little off topic there for a minute while I remembered .. er ... imagined doing horrible mean things to people that I would never actually do because I'm so nice.

Anyway, my phone is winking at me like a drunk whore in a bar. I apparently have a phone message. It's been winking all day, but having lived in Memphis for over 10 years I've grown accustomed to ignoring the winking hookers on Airways Boulevard and Brooks Road, not that I have any idea where anyone would go to find hookers or anything (used car dealer about mid-way down Brooks is their pimp if you can't find them and need to call one on her cell phone for 'emergency service'.)

I think the phone message is actually from me, some reminder of something I didn't want myself to forget. That's probably why I've gone the entire day without listening to it. I do that sometimes, resist myself just to piss myself off. Ooh, it makes me so angry!

So anyway, I've spent my whole day waiting on somone who requested something from me "RIGHT NOW" to respond to my email concerning their issue. They waited until 5 pm to tell me that they'd get around to it later. So I guess 'right now' meant 'later on tomorrow' and I just misunderstood. That's awesome, that's what that is. I've been busting ass for over a week on this and it turns out it isn't really all that important to them after all.

Now I'm going to walk down to the parking lot, climb into my big-assed 4-wheel-drive truck and be a total dick to people in rush hour traffic.

'Cause that's how I roll!
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Memphis' Product Review

August 29, 2008 9:20 PM
From: "Sara Smith"
To: nudememphis


I am the webmaster of www.peloop.com

I find your blog very interesting to read. Your way of writing can magnet and lure a lot of visitors/readers. Would you be able to write about our product after visiting our site?

Or if you have a friend who is interested to try our product, we can send you one. From this, you can gain insights and share your friend's experience to us.

I would really be interested to know if you would be able to post your findings/review in your blog http://stevenjones.blogspot.com, it may be a positive or negative one, with links to our site.

Sara Smith

Dear Sara,

Oh, what the hell. Send it on and I'll do it. This shit is tailor made for my blog. Anyway, it's not like I've got anything better to do all day.


"Ha ha! Fooled you, I don't have a dick!"

You have read this article penis / product testing with the title September 2008. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2008/09/memphis-product-review.html. Thanks!

We Wuz Robbed!

I don't really have anything specific I'm writing about here. Well, yes I do. But only sorta.

I was watching NFL football today and I noticed something. I've commented on this in the past, but it has gotten much worse lately. In most of the commercials run during the football games there were no white males. And in most of the commercials, including commercials for GM trucks, it was all white women and one black man, whom we are instructed to believe are the designers of all their vehicles (Hmm, that might explain a lot if it were true.) It doesn't seem to matter what is being sold, it's all white women and one black man - no white males at all, unless there's a 'moron role' to be played, in which case it's always a white male. Welcome to the new "tolerant" America, where hating Whitey and The Man is all the rage, and denial and hypocrisy is how we excuse it. "Do these jeans make my butt look fat?" "No, honey, but even if they do it's the White Man's fault. And they totally don't. Much."

Now, getting back to football, I saw the end of the Denver Broncos vs San Diego Chargers game. I was for the Broncos. But good God, that was a fumble and San Diego recovered it. End of story! That referee must be right now sitting in a bar with the Cubs fan who grabbed a playable ball and sent the Cubs into a death spiral when they had a lock on getting to the World Series, drinking tequila and talking about how life sucks. Michael Richards is probably their bartender. I mean, talk about your bad calls. He was behind the quarterback. He couldn't SEE when the ball came out. He shouldn't have made the call because he couldn't see. Oh, I am SO familiar with asshole refs who guess on a call when they couldn't see and get it totally wrong. If I hadn't been getting carried off the field to the hospital at the time I would have beaten the shit out of the last ref to do that to me. Dumbass motherfucker! Anyway, my point is simply that Denver lost that game and they knew it. That's why the coach said to go for 2. I guess he figured if they didn't make it then the game came out as it should have. And if they did, then God was smiling on them today and they might as well just enjoy their good luck. Which they did. Because it was a shit call. Also, San Diego was pissed as hell, and that kind of righteous anger can lead a team to discover a new fire inside and really kick some ass in Overtime. I'm sure Denver's coach didn't want to see that. Going for 2 points was a good choice.

So we've been having Hurricane Week all week here in the southern half of the United States of No White Males Allowed. Hurricane Obama tore through Texas, ripping up Galveston and Houston, before galloping on up to Dallas and rolling on by, grazing Memphis as it headed up towards Chicago. I guess maybe the hurricane wanted to see the Cubs play? It could have stopped in Houston if that were the case. They were supposed to play there when it hit, so the game had to be moved.

This hurricane seems to have been affecting people's brains, including mine. And gas is insane. Due to political interference in our free market economy by dumbass politicians over the past many years, a huge percentage of our oil refineries are all located in the Gulf, virtually stacked on top of each other because, you know, Democrats hate 'urban sprawl' so they made them do that. Anyway, every time a hurricane rips through there it does a number on our fuel supply. I had to drive from North Alabama to Memphis, Tennessee, with gas lines and panicked drivers all over the place. I drove like Jimmy Carter, doing about 55 mph the whole way, barely accelerating from red lights, and managed to get tremendous gas mileage from my giant 4-wheel-drive truck even if it did bore the living shit out of me. Gas has gone up and in some stations they are out of the cheaper grades of gas altogether, with no more shipments scheduled for awhile. Most of this shortage was caused by everyone panicking in unison and running out to fill their tanks even though they didn't need to. It was awesome seeing the gas lines again. I haven't seen those since I was a little kid. Yeeha!

My cats were totally freaked out by the hurricane, too. For the past several days My Wife has been calling and telling me that their eyes are solid black, they follow her everywhere she goes, and they don't make a sound. When I got home I saw what she meant. They were walking around like they expected a wolf to jump out and eat them at any moment, crouching low and everything. And this was in the house. They wouldn't even go outside at all. THAT is unusual for my cats.

I myself have been somewhat muddle-headed during the hurricane. I wrote a few emails to people who either didn't reply or else asked me if I was on drugs. I tried commenting on various blogs, only to find everything I wrote to be weird and pointless. I deleted some of it because it made no damn sense. Apparently I didn't delete it fast enough, though. Someone is mad as hell at me right now.

I tried to reply to comments on my own blog during this time, but again, everything that I wrote was just weird. I had to give it up. I hope this post at least makes some sort of sense. I guess I'll know tomorrow, when I see if anyone had any reaction at all.

I heard that Saturday Night Live convinced Tina Fey to come back just so she could play Sarah Palin. I have to say, I can't see anyone else but Tina Fey playing her. She looks JUST LIKE HER.

I heard that the ever-controversial and openly biased Oprah Winfrey, High Priestess of political correctness, had Barry Obama on her show, had Josephine Biden on her show, but refuses to allow Sarah Palin to be on her show. Hmm, that's typical. People are acting all shocked at the unfairness of it all, but I'm not. Where have these people been? How is this a surprise to anyone? Seriously people, pull your heads out of your asses.

The weirdest actor ever from the original Star Trek series, Mr. Sulu, has married his gay lover in California. This made me laugh because every time I saw him doing some guest appearance on various sitcoms over the past 10 years or so I blurted out, "good God, he's so gay!" I had no idea he actually was gay. Other than boosting my confidence that I have spectacular Gaydar, I could actually care less about this news. It's only a matter of time before we hear that California has legalized interspecies marriage so that Paris Hilton can marry her stupid little dog. I'm totally serious. You wait and see - it will happen in our lifetimes.

There is a fuel pump at a Philips 66 gas station in Mississippi that doesn't shut off when your tank is full. I know this because it spewed gasoline out of the side of my truck in a very expensive golden shower while I was cleaning the bugs off my windshield. Yay me.

I thought I had something more to say ...

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Sept 11th

It's September 11th, the 7th anniversary of the attacks on America that killed thousands of innocent people around the country. I guess I should say something about it.

A now-privileged and protected group of guests in America hijacked passenger jets and crashed them into various strategic American locations, killing everyone on board and a great many thousands of people on the ground. It was an intentional act of mass murder and terrorism.

Of course, since that day the Ladies of the Left have taken over and declared that we aren't supposed to call it 'terrorism' and we certainly aren't ever supposed to call those who did it 'terrorists' because .... well, because that would be true. And as everyone who has watched the rise of the religion known as Political Correctness knows, the one thing above all others that the Church of Political Correctness and its' feminist priestesses does not tolerate is Truth.

Also, it is worth noting that many Americans on the Hard Left sided with the attackers, declaring their support for the mass murderers.

So, since I can't refer to the Muslim Saudi Arabian individuals who murdered American citizens in the name of Allah as 'terrorists' I think I'll just call them 'Assholes'.

On September 11th, 2001, certain wealthy Palestinian Islamic Assholes violently hijacked American jets. They crashed two of them into the World Trade Center and one into the Pentagon. A fourth jet was headed to Washington, DC when a handful of male passengers, known in non-PC circles as 'Real Men', rose up and attacked the wealthy Muslim Assholes before they could complete their mission. The jet crashed in a field near Shanksville in rural Somerset County, Pennsylvania, killing everyone on board.

I can only assume that according to the beliefs of the Assholes, since they did not die in the successful completion of their mission of politically correct mass murder, they must be today in Hell with 7 scabby homosexual politicians rather than in Heaven with the 7 vestal virgins they were promised. But it's hard to say for sure because they did manage to kill a couple of innocent people and apparently, according to their beliefs, this is still pretty good. So maybe they got 2 virgins and 3 gay Congressmen? I'm guessing, of course.

The Pentagon

The PC Hard Left says that we must not ever mention the fact that Mohammed did, in fact, call for the murder of 'infidels', which is a reference to all who are not followers of Mohammed. I suppose the Hard Left is so supportive of this view because they themselves call all non-believers of their 'social justice' religion of hate and murder 'Nazis' and ignore the fact that the Nazis were the social justice party of Germany, the Socialist Party, and were in fact just a German version of the American Hard Left.

Before I ramble on any further I'd like to point out something that many people either do not understand (modern Republican leaders) or do not bother to make clear. There is a difference between a Liberal and a Leftist. A Liberal may hear the 'social justice' rhetoric of a would-be dictator and 'feel' that it is right and good and true. They follow it without ever examining the consequences of it or realizing that it is a lie that leads only to hate and murder and the establishment of a police state. True Leftists, on the other hand, know exactly what it is that they're supporting, know exactly what it leads to, and know also that no one, including Liberals, would support it if they knew what the Assholes were really up to. So they find it convenient to portray themselves as being Liberals and to hide amongst them as wolves in sheeps' clothing.

A good example of this difference between Liberal and Leftist would be The Weather Underground, a radical group of Jewish American Leftists who sprang out of a communist college organization called the SDS and began a campaign of bombings of various American sites, including a bombing of the Pentagon which mysteriously is rarely mentioned in any modern history classes in the United States of America. The SDS was a communist organization, but portrayed itself as a harmless flower-sniffing 'social justice' movement, drawing in as many liberal-minded young college students as it could and using their support to create a terrorist organization made up almost entirely of wealthy upper class men and women from Ivy League colleges in the North Eastern United States and California. The SDS and Weather Underground also take credit for planning and executing the very intentional riots of the 1968 Democratic National Convention. They eventually focused their influence and efforts in Chicago, Illinois, where several of their former leaders enjoy positions of power and influence in city, state, and national politics today. Democratic President Jimmy Carter pardoned them all for their most serious offenses before leaving office, insisting that they didn't really mean any harm.

So anyway, it's been 7 years since 'Assholes' from The Middle East attacked America, murdering thousands of innocent people in the process, as was their intention. Since then we have established a Department of Homeland Security, turned flying into a nightmare for the average citizen, bankrupted our airline industry, passed some fairly unconstitutional laws, given our police electric torture devices called Tasers and empowered them to use them on American citizens' genitals in blatant violation of our own laws as well as international law, watched the Soviet Union begin to rise again, watched the Chinese cheat like hell in the Olympics while America destroys its' own Olympic future, and established an odd habit of writing down every single thought that enters a person's head and publishing it on the internet to be called a 'Blog'.

Oh, and also, we have refused to allow anyone to write or draw anything that Muslims say offends them, especially in our 'free press' and on the television news. Anything that offends males, white people, heterosexuals, or Christians, on the other hand, is not only allowed, but actively encouraged and in some circles, mandated.

So here we are. 8 years ago we were given a President named George W. Bush. 7 years ago some politically correct Assholes attacked America, murdering thousands, while their brothers and sisters in Allah promised that there would be more to come. Since that time we have declared all criticism of Islam to be 'wrong', encouraged our police to use sexual torture on male Americans while condemning and imprisoning our soldiers for doing far less to Muslim terrorists, I mean Assholes, created a new department in our government to spy on Americans in order to search for Assholes among us while simultaneously prohibiting them from examining any Palestinians or Muslims, thrown the Republicans out of Congress, watched the rise and fall and possible rise again of Britney Spears, wondered what the hell is wrong with Lindsay Lohan, gone through a string of Disney-created female stars who got naked and drunk on the internet, watched the American Press fight a war within itself over whether Hillary or Barack Obama was the next 'Great Leader', and not had any more attacks by Assholes on American soil since that day 7 years ago due to our determination to take the fight to them and kick their asses on their own soil, in their own cities, and their own neighborhoods.

That's really all I have to say about that. I never had anything deep or meaningful I wanted to say here. I just thought I should mention this since today is the anniversary of the attacks, which our 'liberal' (Leftist) Press refers to as 'tragedies' because it might imply that someone did something wrong if they were to call it an attack. I wish I could say our country has learned something valuable from all of this, but I don't believe that we have. We remain as divided as ever, with both of our major political parties finding it useful and convenient to continue encouraging these divisions and hostilities. And while we focus our attentions on the Assholes in the Middle East, Russia is right now sending a fleet of ships to the Caribbean Ocean to conduct war exercises right in our backyard, demonstrating their ability to shut down all our shipping lanes in the Gulf where our domestic oil supplies are located and daring us to do anything about it.

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Put Another Shrimp On Bobbie

My Drafts files are overflowing, so of course I ignored them all and just sat down to write from out of my ass.

I had another dream last night. All night long I dreamed I was packing up my house and loading it all into a moving van. Boy, that was fun. I woke up feeling awful. I'm not looking forward to actually doing that.

Now let's look at some headline news:

Kim Jong II may be gravely ill, jeapardizing talks

This is one of those situations where you just want to smack someone upside the head. How many generations have wasted valuable time trying to 'talk sense' to maniacal dictators like this asshole instead of blowing them up and getting it over with? There is no talking with this guy. In the words of the great philosopher Chris Tucker, "Just shoot his ass. SHOOT HIS ASS!"

Plans unveiled to convert human waste to energy

At last, my shit is going to make me rich!

Poll shows big shift to McCain among white women

When all you hear your entire life is that (your) sex is all that matters, and that men are secretly conspiring to 'keep the woman down' then you might be forgiven for voting with your vagina rather than your brain. But you should at least be aware that this is exactly the sort of thing that the politicians want you to do. Of course, in this election it really doesn't matter anyway.

Al Franken wins Senate node amid 7 state primaries

It just goes to show you that any old clown can be a Senator when the major parties care only about power and control and nothing about the country. We can laugh or we can cry. Bring in the clowns!

Why so serious?

Obama puts heat on Palin as she boosts GOP ticket

Barry there really fucked up when he picked old lady Biden to be his vice, and I do mean 'vice', president. Now it appears there's only one person in this whole square dance with a complete pair of balls, and it's looking like it's Sarah Palin.

Fannie and Freddie bailout frustrates U.S. voters

U.S. voters have been frustrated for a long, long time. But here we have the Federal Government trying to cover their asses by bailing the whole thing out with more of working Americans' money. The Feds mandated that banks give affirmative action loans to applicants based more on race and sex than on any ability to qualify, and all that corruption and favoritism led to more corruption at Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and then filtered on down to the individual banks. But none of the crooks are going to pay because if anyone follows this scandal up the chain it'll eventually land squarely in the U.S. Government's lap. Not that Fannie and Freddie aren't corrupt as hell. I worked in a major U.S. bank long enough to smell their shit and believe me, it stank.

Man blames bad driving on spilled beer

Now there's a well-thought-out excuse. That'd probably get him off in Arkansas. Or New Jersey.

Australian surfer was towed by shark

A 51-year-old Australian surfer had a shark get tangled up in his leg rope and start towing him out to sea before breaking loose and swimming off. American animal rights extremists are probably boarding a Qantas jet right now to go protest and demand that the surfer be arrested and tortured for cruelty to animals.

Authorities: Burglar wakes men with spice rub

"FRESNO, Calif. - Authorities say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two California farmworkers, stole money, rubbed one with spices and whacked the other with a sausage before fleeing." - Dudes, that wasn't a sausage.

Fish flies out of lake, breaks Arkansas teen's jaw

This is the sort of shit that could only happen in Arkansas. I'll bet this kid is going to be popular as hell at school. "You won't fucking believe what happened to me!" he'll say via text messaging to all this friends 'cause, you know, he can't talk.

Man in wheelchair robs Texas 7-Eleven of condoms

Now THAT'S what I call thinking positive!

Memphis man accused of leaving son while fleeing police

OK, if you're running from the cops you can't very well drag your 3-year-old son along with you without ripping his arm off, now can you? And if you'd ever seen how Memphis cops treat Memphians then you might understand better why this man ran for his life after a minor accident. "TASER TASER TASER!


And now, for no particular reason at all ...

WARNING: This is going to stick in your head for days

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Krazy Dreams

Dream a little dream of me

My weird and crazy dreams continued this weekend. Apparently I've returned from Australia because almost all of it last night was somewhere here in America, but I have no idea where.

I was in an auto parts store. I don't know why I was there. There was a robbery occurring. I didn't care. I just stood there and watched the bullets fly past. I didn't bother to duck. I left with someone going to I don't know where. And then we came back. I got into my truck and left on my own. I don't know where I was going. I just remember not caring about any of it and not feeling any concern about being lost or shot at.

Some strange things happened next. I don't recall them entirely. I remember being in some sort of zoo or aquarium. There was a bunch of school kids around me asking me questions as if I was their teacher or something.

Later I remember sitting and talking to Kylie, so apparently I was in Australia again for awhile. But I don't know how I got there. I was at Kylie's house sitting down in her living room. We were talking about Steph being gone and how much we missed her. It was strange because I doubt Kylie would have me over to her house all alone and I doubt that she'd open up to me about anything she was feeling in regard to Steph. I don't know exactly why I think this though. I felt relaxed there. And very sad. I think this was the only time in the dream that I really felt anything at all.

Sometime later I was back in America, back in that nondescript place where I had been in the auto parts store. All kinds of things were happening. There were military vehicles and machine guns and flame throwers. There was a big chase, almost like a military battle. It was a hell of a fight. I never knew if I was with the cops or with the other side because I never cared enough to check. I watched a man get gunned down by a man firing a machine gun mounted in a Humvee. As he fell to the ground he waved his flamethrower around and tried to toast the guy who shot him. He set a bunch of the pursuing vehicles on fire, but they kept on going anyway, still shooting at people up ahead of him. I saw someone in a Humvee stand up and shoot him again as he lay on the ground still holding his flamethrower and then he finally died.

At some point the vehicle I was in ran up onto the sidewalk next to a telephone pole. My black minitruck was parked there, neatly positioned squarely on the sidewalk in the middle of downtown WhereTheHellAreWe. I had been riding with some black girl whom I apparently worked with and who had something to do with me and all those kids being at the aquarium. Was I a teacher? Anyway, she was very happily talking to me the whole time. But I wasn't paying attention to what she was saying much, something about someone's birthday. I guess I didn't care. She was stopping there on the sidewalk to let me get out. And then she drove off. The city around me was half intact and half destroyed by war. And there was fighting and smoke off in the distance. I barely noticed it. It looked a lot like several large American inner cities I've been to, including Memphis.

The dream ended with me standing on the sidewalk next to my truck. Across the street I saw a cop about to ambush the last of whomever it was that they had been shooting at. Officer Paige Davis, the host of Trading Spaces, was hiding next to a telephone pole with her gun on her hip, singing at the top of her lungs, apparently to try to appear as if she was just some casual passerby I guess. Who knows why she was singing?

And then I woke up. I felt sick and my pillow was wet, as if I had been upset at some point. Only during the dreams I felt absolutely nothing, as if I were walking through a haunted house on Halloween and none of the scary things around me meant a thing.

I hardly ate anything yesterday. I can't imagine what set this off. But I don't feel well regardless. I thought I was going to puke when I first got up. And I pooped my brains out instead of the usual morning pee. It was one of those can't decide if I need the toilet for puking or pooping situations, but ultimately the poop won. Tonight I have to drive back to Rockettown and get ready for work tomorrow. I'm not excited about that. In fact, I'm not excited about anything lately.

Hello officer

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Soooooooooo, that's how it's gonna be, eh? It's not Hillary versus Giuliani. It's not Hillary versus Jeb Bush, as many predicted back in the days when people talked about conspiracies among the Bush family and shit. It's not even Hillary versus Condaleeza Rice.

No, it's McCain versus Obama (who?)

It's Biden versus Palin (who?)

So, no matter what happens we have a historic first. Both presidential candidates chose women as their vice presidents.

Some among the older feminist set are complaining that Palin isn't qualified to break the mythical "glass ceiling." But the fact is, this is politics we're talking about. Anyone here remember Eva Peron? Have you ever paid any attention at all to the banana republics south of Texas where women are routinely elected as supreme dictator solely based on A) having been married to the previous dictator and B) having a really nice pair of hooters? Seriously, this shit happens all the time. Welcome to the real world. Nothing is as it seems.

So let's talk about it.


John McCain - here's a man destined to make nobody happy. He's not a conservative. Some say he's not really even a Republican. He's liberal, but not leftist enough for the left. He's just a man who looks a helluva lot like Popeye the Sailor and is really, really old. He's also prone to poor decisions regarding the Constitution and legislation, so the Libertarians aren't fond of him either. But he was once a prisoner of war, so that makes him a good soldier. Much like breaking an ankle makes a man a great soccer player. Go figure.


Barack Obama - here's the New Kid in Town. Nobody knows anything about him much, just as they knew nothing about Bill Clinton many years ago. So of course we all project as many fabulous qualities onto him as we possibly can. After all, he's younger and shinier than his opponent and if history has taught us nothing else, it has taught us that younger and shinier wins most of the time. Forget all that mess about him having spent his entire adult life willingly attending a racist church that preaches black supremacy and kill whitey straight from the pulpit - he has a sweet smile! That's what matters most come election day.

Sarah "not so plain or tall" Palin - She's the best-looking candidate of the whole group. She's shinier than Obama even. Plus, she's got breasts and a vagina, which according to the 'experts' of both political camps today, is the only thing that matters. Ah, but scandal looms in the distance. She has a 17-year-old white daughter who is pregnant and unmarried, just like Jamie Lynn Spears. Gracious, Aunt Bee, the whole durn town is a'talkin' 'bout it! But the fact is, we no longer live in the era of secret abortions and 'what would the neighbors think'. We're living in an age when many, many white high school girls are getting pregnant and having babies without the slightest hint of giving a shit what anyone thinks. Welcome to the post-Clinton age. This is how it is now and many of those pregnant high school girls attend their local churches. The 'Religious Right' doesn't care half as much as the 'sacriReligious Left' thinks they do. In fact, they hardly notice it anymore. The Left's leaders are carefully poking this one with a stick, trying to decide if it's a bomb that might blow up in their faces. If they push it, they are clearly hypocrites. And if the Public truly doesn't care about the pregnancy then they end up with afterbirth all over their faces. The problem is, the only other issue they have so far to smear Palin with is her lack of experience. And if there's one thing the Obama camp does NOT want to talk about, it's lack of experience. On the other hand, Obama's crew has certainly proven their willingness and ability to viciously attack a woman. Just ask Hillary.

Joseph "Mary" Biden - He's the man that sponsored the original Violence Against Women Act, the one the Supreme Court said was so unconstitutional that they had to toss it straight into the trash. He's the man of which infamous misandric feminist Violence Against Women Act author Catherine MacKinnon laughed and said "the idiot didn't even read it before he signed it!" Josie likes to claim he's a man's man by virtue of having played professional basketball back in the days when short Jewish men dominated the league and black people weren't allowed to vote. He used to brag that he was a bipartisan champion because he enjoyed rounds of circle-jerk with Joseph Lieberman and John McCain. He no longer likes to discuss this, though, as the current situation makes it an "inconvenient truth". Joe once bragged in a speech to the National Organization for Womyn that he grew up with sisters who beat the shit out of him on a regular basis, but because he was always such a sensitive new age puss, he "never lifted a finger" in his own defense. Of course, Josie grew up an age before sexual assault and castration via attacking boys' balls was taught to every girl in America and encouraged on every TV show and Disney film as often as possible. It's doubtful that Josie could have survived such a passive childhood in modern times without experiencing an involuntary sex-change. Then again, he could have at least qualified to play in the WNBA.

So there it is. Not much to get excited about if you ask me. New Kid in Town versus Old Popeye the Sailor Man. Tall ugly girl versus short former beauty queen. It's a popularity contest without much substance. Well, unless you enjoy waxing poetic about global warming. But even the PC science professors are starting to abandon that one. There really isn't much else to discuss beyond Iraq, and people are pretty bored with that one, too.

So, with all this in mind, and with every channel either replaying the Democratic National Convention or picking apart the Republican National Convention, it looks like I'll be watching a lot of Hannah Montana for awhile. Maybe I'll join the pervs and create a countdown calendar for when she turns 18.

Counting the days

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My post for today is over at Burt's Mustache. If you love me you'll click this link and go read it and leave me lots of awesome comments about how great I am.

And if you're reading this in some sort of blog feed and don't even comment or click my links or watch my videos then I hope you get gonorrhea and feel really badly for neglecting me so.

Comment or die!
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Labor Day

Today is Labor Day here in the United States. It's ironically named because it's a day we take off from work, so no labor. Well, theoretically no labor. I worked my ass off in the yard, so I guess that means I ignored Labor Day and didn't observe it. Oh well, I've always been a bit of a rebel.

What would you make of a person who forms their opinions of others based on appearances, say how well dressed they are and how the hold themselves, you know, like how confident they appear? Would you say this is a good way to go? I worked at a Big Alabama Bank once where the only people who got promoted were pretentious fucks who went deep into debt for a Lexus and a Rolex and the right GQ outfit. They had a lot of styling gel in their hair and all the confidence in the world (some say narcissism, but management says confidence) and yet it was based entirely upon illusion and bullshit. In fact, it's not unusual to see a well-dressed and excessively confident person in Memphis driving around in a leased BMW while living in a $60,000 house that belongs to their grandmama. The appearance they carry with them in their leased luxury automobile is all there is to them. There isn't anything more. But by God they sure LOOK good, don't they, what with all the gold jewelry hanging off of them and sometimes in their mouth.

I think you can take any philosophy too far. Take my father for example. He grew up around a lot of petty, white trash people who were prone to jealousy. As a result, he believed that you should never show any sign of your wealth at all. You should dress very ordinary, drive a very old and boring car with no flash whatever, and essentially do all that you can to become invisible. He once said to me that the best way to live is not to have a lot of nice things, but to not want anything. He made a lot of money in his lifetime. But he died without spending a nickel of it on anything fun. So what good did it do him?

On the other hand, I knew a girl who was blonde and beautiful and sexy as hell. She partied her ass off for her entire life. She made the most of her assets and it paid well for her. Men threw themselves and their money at her for as long as she lived. The thing is, she didn't live long. She partied 'till she dropped, and when she dropped that was it. Party over. It was a tragic thing, but there are those who say that they believe this is the way to go. She lived her every second to its' fullest and died before she got old and unattractive.

Speaking of contrasting philosophies, Barack Obama and the Democratic National Convention was all you could find on television all fucking week long last week. I swear it looked just like a televised religious revival service complete with shiny televangelists, altar calls, and passing the plate for donations. The only difference was that people were getting high in the pews and not caring if anyone knew about it rather than waiting until after the service when no one was looking. I think the Democratic National Convention is perhaps the best example we have today of the old Roman orgies. I'm telling you, any red-blooded male wanting to get laid can't ask for an easier place to get some than at the Democratic National Convention. Democrat girls are like a boxing match with an armless man - no matter what happens you know somebody's gonna be hittin' that all night long. Say what you want to about the philosophy of the Democrats, but they sure know how to party. In fact, even though the cameras are off and the whole spectacle technically ended last week, the orgy itself is still going on, I guarantee it.

Now it's time for the Republican National Convention. The Democrats' big "What Would Jesus Do" event ran all of last week, but the Republicans don't go quite that long. They just can't stay up that late anymore. There's kids to put to bed and reruns of Matlock to watch on TV before going to sleep. They have their daily routines and they don't like to mess with them even for a big political to-do. They were supposed to go four days in Minneapolis, the most boring city in the world. But they've changed their plans. A hurricane is coming, although nowhere near Minneapolis, and the Republicans have announced that they're going to cut it short and head home early just in case it gets a little windy up there or something. The truth is, they're all really glad for any excuse to cut it short. Can you imagine listening to four days of boring political speeches while totally sober? There isn't going to be any wild drunken orgies at the RNC. No one is going to sneak in a flask of vodka. Sure as hell no one is going to be passing doobies around. And there won't be anyone getting laid. They just want a few nice speeches and then head home to bed. To sleep.

In the news last week was a story about how both the Democrats and the Republicans have failed to submit their paperwork for their presidential candidates to be on the ballots in November in the state of Texas. The only party that submitted in time was the Libertarian Party, the penniless party. It'll be interesting to see if Texas stands by its' rules and refuses to allow McCain and Obama on the ballot. They always say "Don't Mess With Texas". Now let's see if they really mean it.

I've come to a point in my life where I don't know anymore what I believe. Or perhaps it's simply that I no longer care? I guess if I were to be totally honest I'd have to admit that I don't know which it is. Perhaps I still believe exactly as I always did, but no longer believe that it matters what I think. I just don't know. I told a friend that I skipped watching the Democratic National Convention on television in order to watch Hannah Montana. I said it as if it were a joke, but the truth is I really did. And it isn't as if I'm a big Hannah Montana fan. It's simply that Obama and Biden and the rest of Party of PC were on every other channel and I was left with little choice.

If you're curious, Hannah and her brother (who the fuck styles the guys' hair on that show?) were put on restriction for fighting and were both going to miss parties that they wanted to go to (the DNC?) so they snuck out and borrowed a friends truck. But it was foggy and they ran off the road and ended up hanging over a cliff. When they climbed out of the truck they discovered that it was just a tiny little 2 foot drop-off and they had been scared for nothing. Oh those wacky writers at Disney!

Anyway, this week I should benefit from the incredible bias of our television networks in blatantly preferring the Democrats over the Republicans because I know that most of the channels that ran the Democratic National Convention ad nauseam last week won't do the same for the Republicans this week. In fact, unless I were to actually flip channels looking for The Republican National Convention I doubt I'll even notice that it's going on.

I think the two major political parties must share more information than people might think. All year long I had been getting piles and piles of mail from both parties asking me for money and wanting me to join some fucking stupid causes like global warming and global feminism and shit. Well, one day I got a wild hair up my ass and decided to type a reply expressing my feelings of late (pissed off), but I only wrote a reply to one of the two parties relating to their specific actions of the past 15 years. I was too lazy to write a second one specifically aimed at the other party. So I printed off about 10 copies of my letter detailing exactly why I want to encourage the 'leaders' of that party to go fuck themselves and I stuffed them into the envelopes they so thoughtfully supplied me with. Then I mailed them off.

Since then, I haven't been receiving donation requests from EITHER party. It's as if a miracle occurred or something. Suddenly my mail is much more manageable. I've been really shocked, mostly because I was pretty sure no one was reading ANYTHING I wrote to them.

So anyway, if you live in the United States and you've been getting way too much political bullshit letters in your mailbox I'd like to encourage you to write a long, detailed letter to one or both of the major political parties explaining exactly why you want them to fuck off and how they should go about doing it. Then send it to them. Not only will the sudden decrease in political mailings bring you greater peace of mind, but also you'll be saving billions and billions of trees that would otherwise have been killed in order to make the paper that was being used to harass the shit out of you. So you see, it's good for the environment!

Fuck off, politicians!

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