It's Wednesday and hot already. It doesn't normally get as hot and humid as this until we get well into Summer. Consquently, people are being really pissy, especially in traffic. I've been playing with the video camera on my cell phone and considering videoing the cunts in traffic for future posts instead of just occasionally photographing them. But so far I've discovered that the sound quality of my video is pure crap, so that's not going well.

Who the fuck am I?

Apparently Kate Gosselin is making a lot of noise in the American media these days. Half the people in our media love her and half hate her. The more we see of her, the more people seem to hate her. But her most loyal fans (Barbara Walters) keep hanging on, insisting that she is headline news and should receive the most favorable coverage possible. For me, all I can say is, who the hell is Kate Gosselin and how did she get to be news in the first place? Wasn't she just some woman who had a billion kids with some douchebag who later had a mid-life crisis and took off to see how much sex he could get out of a series of 20-something hotties or something like that? And while he was doing that, she went on Dancing With the Starz, even though she's not actually a star, and proved herself to be both lazy and bitchy at the same time. So I'm thinking this is probably a good lesson for our Media to not waste our time on nobodies whose only notable achievement in life is having a shitload of kids. But who am I to judge? I'm just sayin'

It's the White Man's fault

American liberals are all upset again, as usual, but this time it's because census figures are showing a slight slowing in the number of interracial marriages. They say that this indicates some sort of sinister rise in white people's racism, of course. And then they casually mention the fact that because a lot of the illegal aliens don't bother to ever learn English, this just might have a little something to do with it, too, you know, because we can't fucking talk to each other. But they leap over that to jump straight into the tired old bullshit about "white backlash" and blah blah blah. One thing they did not mention was the fact that marriage overall has been under attack from the Hard Left for a very long time and has declined as a result. Also, what with the economy being in the shitter, this isn't exactly a great time for dating and asking a girl to marry you when you don't even have a damn job. Women love money and thus men without jobs are unlikely to find themselves a date, let alone a woman willing to get married to a jobless man. 80 percent of those thrown out of work by our lovely socialist utopian market plunge are males. This is no accident, as Obama has bragged, and has the side-effect of dousing American marriage with a bucket of ice water. But somehow the Leftists in our media see this as the White Man's fault.

Disney was so good to me

Lindsay Lohan is in the news again. This time its for her fabulous new ankle bracelet. It monitors her blood alcohol level and begins flashing a big red "Party On, Dude" sign in front of her house if any alcohol should be detected in her system. Our esteemed Media considers this to be big news and has enjoyed talking about it endlessly. One thing this ankle bracelet does not do, though, is monitor her for pot, cocaine, heroin, ecstasy, or any number of other recreational substances that she might stumble into while sitting around her house with nothing much to do. I'm not sure how our greater thinkers in the News Media have missed this little detail, but somehow they have. So here I am to tell you all about it. You're fucking welcome!

New York Celebrates the Terrorist Attacks of 9/11

Muslims in New York City have asked the Marxists who own the city for permission to build a monument on Ground Zero, where the World Trade Towers were destroyed by Muslim terrorists in 2001. They want to call this monument a "mosque" and fill it with more Muslims who will bow down and shout "Praise Allah for helping us to kill 3,000 American infidels on this very spot" every day, 4 times per day, forever. Well, forever or until some other terrorists crash planes into their mosque and kill a bunch of them, whichever comes first. The New York City Council, made up entirely of Lindsay Lohan and her family, after a brief recess in which large quantities of meth were partaken of, agreed to permit this, calling it "an act of global diversity and tolerance." The surviving family members of the victims of the terrorist attacks have called it something else. They call it "evil" and vow to put a stop to it "by any means necessary." Meanwhile, Muslim project leader Dixie Khan stated "we are simply taking advantage of the suddenly available commercial real estate and intellectual as well as moral bankruptcy of the New York Leftists to obtain for ourselves a good investment. And also, we are going to sucker these idiots into allowing us to build a monument to their deaths on the very spot where we attacked them. It's a little like allowing the Japanese to build a big monument to The Emperor in Pearl Harbor."

Thar's gold in them thar hills!

So, aside from all of this, all the New York billionaires have bought gold and sold their other investments. But, they insist, it is already too late for you to buy gold because it is too expensive now. The oil is still leaking into the Gulf while our federal government, under Obama, does nothing except make speeches and go on vacations to Chicago. The unemployement rate keeps getting worse, thanks to the efforts of our political leaders in Washington who love a good crisis and don't believe in letting it go to waste. The housing market is still super shitty and Congressman Barney Frank and the Congressional Black Caucus are doing everything in their power to make it far, far worse. And the 2011 Mustang GT makes 411 horsepower while still getting 26 mpg, making it a really cool car to own if one should be in the market for a new car or just really sick of life and looking for a fun distraction.

2011 Mustang GT

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Friday Fun


Says a man says to his wife, "Get yourself together, woman! You, me and the dog are going fishing."

The wife says, "I dont want to go fishing."

The man gives her 3 choices, fishing, blow job or take it up the ass.

The wife thinks it over and decides to just give him the blow job and stay home.

After she sucks on it for a while she looks up at him and says, "It tastes like shit!"

The man says, "I know, the dog didn't want to go fishing either."

buggered dog

-- All shamelessly stolen from emails Utegirl sent to me.
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You're on Candid Camera!

CCTV mural

A few years ago, a woman I knew who lived and worked in Sydney, Australia, said something about getting a ticket and losing her license. She said she'd had too many tickets and was now in trouble for it. So they took her license to drive away for some period of time.

I remember at the time wondering if she just drove fast a lot or was frequently distracted while she drove or just what was going on that she had enough tickets to lose her license. But she was a highly intelligent person and I thought well of her, so I didn't push the subject. I would periodically joke with her that I was going to have my big-assed 4x4 shipped over and drive her wherever she wanted to go as a special favor, but I never asked her any specifics about what it was like to drive in Sydney or why someone might be likely to lose their license in the first place.

Tony Blair is watching you

A few years later, Electro-Kevin blogged about the CCTV cameras all over the UK that make life miserable for the citizens who are perpetually monitored by a giant Big Brother government that seems more afraid of its citizens than of terrorists or enemy nations. I remember thinking how horrible it would feel to live in a nation like that, where every move you make is monitored by your fat, corrupt politically-correct politicians and you have no freedom. Any time I considered leaving the United States to visit another country, I always eliminated the UK from my list based partly on the damn cameras everywhere. To me, cameras mean a corrupt tyrannical government and I want nothing to do with that.

More and more American cities are putting up cameras at every red light, or along highways, and randomly ticketing people, many of whom don't even know they've done anything wrong until the postman arrives with a citation for them to pay or appear in court to explain to a judge. We have more cops than ever before in our nation's history, yet we feel less safe, partly because of the cops themselves. And in addition to the army of armed government agents swarming us in traffic each day, we now have these fucking cameras popping up everywhere.

And then, just last week, I learned that Australian cities all have the cameras, too, and that this is almost certainly how my old friend lost her license while simply driving to work each day on the busy streets of Sydney.

Let's be honest here, if you had a fucking government camera following you down every single street, every single day, as you drove to and from work, to and from the store, to and from anywhere and everywhere you went, how many tickets would you accumulate?

I'd get 50 within the first month, most of them for taking photos of other idiot drivers while behind the wheel of my own moving vehicle. But many of them would be for driving 1 or 2 miles per hour over the posted limit. I do occasionally fail to see the nearest speed limit sign and thus pick my own speed at random based on how heavy my foot feels on that particular day. And there would be more than a few for going 10 or 20 mph over the limit. I'd probably get a few for tailgating. And throw in a couple for passing in a no passing zone. A few more for driving in the passing lane without passing anyone. Before long I'd be a wanted felon.

What about you? How would you feel living in a city surrounded by fucking government cameras invading your privacy and tracking your every move?

Do you already live in a city like that? How does it feel?

Do you think constant monitoring of innocent people makes them more or less likely to grow resentful and wish to commit actual crimes? I mean, how good would it feel to whip out a big gun and start shooting at the cameras, do you think? Or to toss grenades and blow them up? Or to ram them with a big truck? Don't you think you would be bothered by them if they followed you everywhere you went?

Do you think this trend of Big Government micromanaging our daily lives is going to get worse, or fade away as The People grow tired of it and demand more freedom and less Government intrusion?

Land of the free?

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I don't care about your personal political rantings and prejudices, especially when you apply them to the network description of a movie that I am trying to decide whether I wish to watch or not. I note the hypocrisy in your hostile treatment of male characters versus female characters who behave far worse (Legend of Billie Jean - seriously??) And I briefly consider canceling my subscription to Starz because you so greatly annoy me.

And also because there is never shit to watch on Starz. Not a damn thing.

So I've settled on the History Channel. In fact, not just the History Channel, but the History International Channel, whatever the fuck that means. They both seem to cover history, but I suppose History International probably doesn't ever talk about America. I'm just guessing, but considering how self-loathing has become a national past-time, especially for white males, as encouraged by Jewish males of the Marxist persuasion, it seems likely.

Prior to this I was watching a show about the history of freight trains. I have no idea what channel that was on. I had a cat pinning me down to the couch, preventing me from getting up and going to work on the kitchen sink. I faded in and out of consciousness. I distinctly recall a cat walking up my chest and biting me on the nose. I don't recall if that cat is still alive or not. They do have 9 lives, though, so it's possible.

At this moment I am watching a program about Wallace Braveheart. No, not the movie, but a History Channel program. I note that women in Edinborough don't wear bras and it occurs to me that I should like to visit there one day. Somewhere in there are relatives of mine. I have no idea who they are. It's an odd thing about America that so many of us have no knowledge of our ancestry prior to America. I have family in Scotland and apparently Ireland and recently we learned about our bloodlines from the English. And then there are the not-so-distant relatives on the Cherokee reservation in Oklahoma. The Cherokee Nation is home to some of my living relatives, but I haven't been there since I was maybe 6 years old. And I don't care. I'm hungry. I need to get up and go make some lunch. But I don't really feel like eating anything.

It's been an exhausting weekend. I'm not sure why. I can't recall what all we did yesterday, but whatever it was has left me sunburned and sore. We took my black minitruck into Memphis and brought home a truckload of plants, including a tree that I was forced to plant in a section of the yard where I don't want a tree, primarily because I don't want to have to mow around it. My objections aside, there the tree now stands. I myself planted it.

I'm exhausted in a number of ways, not the least of which is from physical labor. I've found much to my dismay that working out with a personal trainer 3 days a week simply isn't giving me the results I desire. My body seems bound and determined to look more like Winnie the Pooh than a fitness model and so I added 2 days of pure cardio to my 3 days of weights. The advantage to the 2 days of cardio is that it is just me alone huffing along while staring up at the TV sets showing "Biggest Loser" or "30 Rock." There is no sound, but the frequently mistyped subtitles are themselves entertaining enough for me.

I'm otherwise exhausted from the stress of my endless list of work assignments, constant travel, various emotional dramas which no longer involve anyone in Australia, and a general feeling of needing a change.

I may or may not be buying a partnership in a 27,000 square foot gym depending on the outcome of a thorough investigation into their current financials. If I do, this will likely mean no 2011 trip to Australia and no 2011 Mustang GT for me, a car I had only recently began to think seriously about purchasing.

Our nation is on a determined plunge into Marxist ruin. There are various ways a person can choose to cope with this. I could pull in everything and begin stuffing cash into the mattresses of our beds while buying up as much ammunition as I could. I could pour my financial resources into pure gold, as the Europeans and George Soros are doing. I could seriously investigate the possibility of moving north to Canada or south to Argentina. Many wealthy Americans have already moved to islands in the Caribbean. But for now I'm thinking of simply going into denial, investing in an American business, buying a new American musclecar, and partying as hard as I can for as long as I can. I've also talked with an associate about investing with them in apartment buildings, but they are financially on a whole different level than me, as their family has been involved in building and owning rental properties for generations, so this is unlikely to lead anywhere.

I'm in a tired funk. My thoughts are as random as if I were flipping channels in my brain. And now, I think, it is time to turn off the TV.

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News etc

Obama's Latest Supreme Court Nomination

Elena Kagan
Harvard Grrl

Well, surprise surprise, our little fatherless President has appointed a new nominee to our Supreme Court, a Ms - and believe me it's Ms - a Ms Elena Kagan. She's an old Harvard buddy of Obama financial wizard Lawrence Summers. Harvard, you may recall, is currently a haven of lesbians as well as feminist intolerance and misandry, so it should come as no surprise, particularly in light of Obama's hatred of his own sex, that Ms Kagan is apparently herself a lesbian. This is inherently obvious in simply seeing her as she speaks before Congress, but apparently pointing out the obvious is supposed to be taboo and anyone who dares to do so is immediately attacked. Hey, I'm not saying I dislike her. I know little about her. In fact, no one knows much about her because she has no experience to speak of. I'm just saying "hey look, Obama has appointed yet another lesbian feminist." Oh, and here's one other thing I'm saying - don't be surprised if one of the two worthless Republican Senators from Tennessee votes in favor of her no matter what comes out of her confirmation hearings or even if she turns out to be an America-hating, brother-murdering terrorist with a bomb in her granny-panties. There is just something terribly wrong with the Republican representatives in Tennessee and we apologize profusely for them one and all.

BP Gulf Oil Spill


Oh hey, as long as we're talking "secret knowledge" and conspiracy theories and all that jive, I have a big one for you. President "Little Boy" Obama shocked America when he signed an agreement allowing offshore drilling in the Gulf after many long years of Leftist opposition to it by his own party. It seemed almost too good to be true. And then, almost as if by divine providence, a massive explosion magically occurred on an oil rig down around Louisiana and somehow as our Federal Government stood by impotently and watched, a whole week's worth of gushing oil was allowed to pour out before anyone said "hey, maybe we should cap that sucker." Now there's all sorts of meaningless finger-pointing going on, but the one person no one has dared to point the finger at is our own Commander-In-Chief, the man who commands our U.S. Navy and even it's special forces SEAL teams that are frequently training down in the Gulf for missions that involve sabotage attacks, such as blowing up enemy oil wells and refineries. Hey, I'm not saying President Obama gave the order for our own sworn-to-secrecy special forces to make some political waves for him and give him an excuse to renege on his controversial and unexpected promise. Then again, I'm not saying he didn't. I'm just saying he could if he wanted and no one would ever know because the SEALS can't talk without being thrown into a military prison for the rest of their lives.

Pope Blames Church's Own Sins for Scandal

Pope Benedict XVI
Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI

The Pope, in a rare display of genuine leadership in this world of cover-your-ass politics, has finally come out and said that the Catholic Church itself is responsible for all of these young boys and girls being molested and abused by pedophilic and perverted priests and nuns. "The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sins within the church," Pope Benny said. "The church needs to profoundly relearn penitence, accept purification, learn forgiveness but also justice." Many Tea Party activists are said to have emailed The Pope's statements to local Republican Party leaders along with notes saying "Hey, here's a great idea for some of you bastards to try!"

Drifting Satellite Threatens US Cable TV

Beep! Beep! Crash!

A communications satellite, allegedly knocked out of its orbit by global warming according to White House sources, is threatening to knock out cable television signals for the entire United States, prompting President Obama to declare a national state of emergency. "We cannot tolerate this threat to the one lifeline my people have to the CW Network," President Obama said in a televised speech that no one saw. "Therefore, I am ordering NASA to drop everything and get up there to fix it right away." NASA has indicated that it would take weeks or even months to get a racially and "gender"-correct astronaut up there to deal with the crisis. The US Air Force, meanwhile, has offered to shoot the satellite down, a proposal the White House is said to be considering.

Democrats Steal Mojave Desert Cross After Losing Lawsuit

That Old Stolen Cross

Intolerant, Left-Wing Hate Criminals have stolen the Mojave Desert Cross erected to honor the fighting men killed in wars following the Supreme Court's ruling against the antiChrist ACLU of California who sought to destroy it. The U.S. Justice Department was looking into the case, but has indicated that as long as Barack Obama is President they will make no effort to do anything to solve the crime.

Conservative Cameron Becomes British PM


Conservative David Cameron became Britain's new prime minister on Tuesday after he accepted the invitation from Queen Elizabeth to form a new government following the resignation of Gordon Brown. Cameron, at 43, is the youngest Prime Minister in nearly 200 years. Thus ends 13 years of Labour Party rule, even as their American counterparts, the Democratic Party, are enjoying the peak of their power in the United States by imitating virtually every single move the Labour Party made during its reign. "Obama likes to think of himself as the black Tony Blair," an unnamed White House source said. "Sometimes he even makes us call him 'Tony'."

California Woman Guilty of Raping, Killing Little Girl

Rapist and Murderer

Melissa Huckaby, 29, has plead guilty to the kidnapping, drugging, rape and murder of 8-year-old Sandra Cantu in Tracy, California. Charges against her for drugging a 7-year-old girl as well as a 37-year-old man were dropped as part of her plea agreement. All other charges — including two involving rape and lewd or lascivious conduct with a child under 14 — were also dropped under the agreement. Huckaby now faces 25 years to life in prison without the possibility of parole when she is sentenced next month. Unlike in cases in which women sexually assault and/or murder men and subsequently receive virtually no punishment, cases in which women harm children often result in their receiving the sentence that they actually deserve. Thus it is expected that Melissa Huckaby will receive the longest possible sentence and be sent to a women's prison where the other women will abuse her for the rest of her life by refusing to allow her into any of their cliques and talking nasty shit about her behind her back.

U.S. Still Searching for Mysterious Market Plunge Cause

Shapiro don't know

The top U.S. securities regulator said they have "no clue" what caused Thursday's mysterious market plunge but promised that additional safeguards were coming. "We think either someone flushed a commodities toilet while currency was in the shower or else someone with access to an army of military-style hackers did this as part of a test, someone like, oh I don't know, China perhaps," the unnamed regulator said offhandedly. "China or George Soros," he added, referring to the infamous currency trader who made billions of dollars in a single day by allegedly rigging the market against the British pound in the early 1990s and raking in the cash rewards. Mr. Soros is rumored to have used his subsequent wealth to take control over the United Nations and later the Democratic Party, even hand-picking then-senator Barack Obama for the job of President.

U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro said it would take time to pinpoint the cause but reiterated that the Government is notoriously inept and likely will "never figure this shit out." She promised that it would probably not happen again and crossed her fingers with her right hand while tapping the surface of the podium with her left and saying, "knock on wood."

Arizona Governor Signs Bill Ending Racist Indoctrination Classes

Jan "the man" Brewer

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, in a rare display of guts and leadership, on Tuesday signed a bill eliminating racially segregated classes in Arizona public schools which teach racial supremacy and hatred of the white race. Only hours before, the infamous UN Human Rights Commission, made up of representatives from the world's terrorist nations, issued a report condemning any attempt to end the dogmatic and fanatical classes. Exactly why a bunch of UN terrorists issued a report about racist classes in Arizona is as yet unknown, as it is so clearly none of their business. Governor Brewer's signature on the bill Tuesday comes less than a month after she signed the nation's toughest crackdown on illegal immigration, causing a huge uproar among imported criminals, and eliciting cheers and great admiration from the law-abiding citizens. "It's been a very long time since we've seen any leaders with balls," said Anthony Mann, a registered Republican "and I think it's a sad statement on American manhood that it took a woman to do it, but whatever, if she ever runs for President she's got my vote already. It's about damn time that we had some leaders in this country instead of a bunch of damn politicians." Protests by celebrities in Los Angeles have already begun. Lindsay Lohan is said to have marched naked in the streets insisting that she won't wear clothes again until Arizona is invaded and "bombed out of existence." The New York Times, a formerly relevant newspaper, has issued a statement comparing Governor Brewer to former Alabama Governor George Wallace. Perez Hilton, a blogger only slightly more relevant than the New York Times, has declared that Governor Brewer "is terribly ugly and has bad taste in pantsuits."

And now, compare and contrast ...

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5 Ways to Tell If Your Guy is Lying

Bud and Kelly

Feminists claim that the way to tell if a man is lying is to see if his lips are moving. Of course, feminists rarely ever date any members of the male sex and generally don't get along with them, so perhaps it is understandable that guys might lie to them simply to get away or that feminists might not even really understand guys at all. Not that this lack of understanding has stopped them from writing mountains of articles and books about men. But experts in the CIA, who mysteriously seem to be available to write dating columns for women's magazines which I happily lampoon on my blog say it is actually a bit more complicated to know if a man is lying than simply seeing if he is speaking at all.

It seems that the most sought-after guys, the ones women are quickest to drop their panties for, lie to those panty-dropping women more than normal. And women, well, they often like to try to control men like a puppeteer controls their little string puppets. So of course they want to know as much as possible about how to tell if they, in turn, are being manipulated right back.

At various times, it's likely that your man has said something to you that sounded not quite right. "No, your ass is not getting as big as a semi." "No, I don't mind watching your movie and I actually sort of like Julia Roberts." "No, I don't mind when you denigrate me to my friends and your friends and your family and my family and the mailman and the kids and the dog and even when you're talking in your sleep."

"Men lie to preserve their ego," Dave Crumb, former CIA man and author of "Writing Women's Books Is Going To Make Me Rich", explains. "Actually," he whispers to me as he leans forward, "it's to preserve women's ego, but I'm never going to tell them that. Wait, don't write that down! I'll swear I never said that if you quote me on that. Just go with the first part. Women love hearing that shit because of that whole ego thing. And I'm not saying whose ego, either. Are you still writing this down? Wait, stop! Go back. Back up and delete that last stuff. I was talking off the record there."

Psyche major

Even though small lies intended to preserve your, or their, ego, might seem harmless, after awhile women begin to feel confused as to what is true and what is a lie. And then, all too often, they make the mistake of going and talking to a psychotic friend who probably went to college to major in psychology or psychiatry because she herself is a basketcase and is trying to figure out why her life is such a disaster, and this crazy friend fills her head with a lot of pop-feminist crap which ultimately leads to the breakup of any and all relationships she has with men. Misery loves company, you see, and no one is more miserable than your average psychiatric professional loony.

So here are a few simple tactics to help you spot when your man is lying to you versus when he's being totally honest and insensitive to your feelings.

toilet reading

1. Take note of his normal behavior. Carefully notice how your man behaves when he's talking to one of the guys. Guys rarely lie to each other because guys have a low tolerance for bullshit. That's why so few men voted for Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank or Al Franken. Wait, almost no one voted for Al Franken. That was all stolen votes courtesy of George Soros, owner of the Democratic Party. Anyway, forget Al Franken. The point is, the best way to get a straight-up view of how a guy acts when he's not bullshitting is to observe him talking to his closest friends, which contrary to what you like to believe, is not you. How does he hold his hands when he's being honest? How does he sit, legs wide apart or crossed like a homo? What facial expressions does he make? Knowing this will come in handy when you're grilling him about "the relationship" later on.

2. Take note of his posture. If he is sitting back with his feet apart, TV remote in his right hand, beer in his left, staring blankly at the TV screen, this is his "honest posture" or "couch potato pose." A question that makes him feel threatened will cause this posture to "wake up" or "get pissed off" and he'll lean forward, or put down his beer and put one hand over his groin in unconscious fear of being sexually assaulted and castrated because you can be a real psycho at times. He may even put down the TV remote, which is a sure sign that he is feeling extremely agitated, angry, or threatened. If he turns off the TV altogether then he is pissed.

target groin

3. Know how to properly drill him for information. If you find yourself suspecting your man of deceiving you, knowing the right way to trick him is your key to success or failure in setting your trap before going apeshit crazy on his ass. Let's say you ask him if he thinks women in America are more oppressed and abused than men. If he says yes, but based on his posture you note that he has assumed the "cover the groin and run like hell" pose, you need to back off and wait for another opportunity to trap him. Knowing in advance that he is suspicious of your question can allow you to prepare a "new" question, which is simply the same question worded more deceptively in order to make it harder for him to escape.

Don't let him escape

4. Reword the question as an assumption. If you already expect him to be on his guard for your attack, turn your question around and form it as if you were one of his male friends who simply wants to know what he thinks, but isn't going to jump on his ass and rupture his testicles if he gives an honest answer. In this case, assume you are a total idiot and have no opinion of your own and then ask "do you think America abuses and oppresses either one of the sexes more than the other or have we achieved equality?" Said this way, he at least has the option of choosing a third response, rather than being forced into a corner where he has to pick one sex over the other.

5. Bait him like a fish. If you suspect he's already lying to you - maybe he recently stopped reading "Men's Health" magazine, which is basically a women's magazine for men, but he still reads "Muscle and Fitness" which is more manly and less filled with fluffy bullshit - you can use that as bait to force an explanation. Try: "why did you stop reading "Men's Health", which I liked, but you still read "Muscle and Fitness", which has fewer articles about sex?" By asking based on undeniable evidence - he definitely HAS stopped reading "Men's Health" - you are not necessarily accusing him of anything, so he won't instinctively pick up on the coming attack and assume a defensive posture, which makes it more likely that he'll give you an honest answer. And maybe he'll admit that he feels like "Muscle and Fitness" is more male-friendly than "Men's Health", which could create an opening for the question you'd been wanting to ask all along about which sex is more oppressed, only now he thinks he brought it up. SUCKA!

Jennifer Aniston

If you still think he's not being honest with you, look for common signs of deception which can help you decide if he's being honest. The following signs are a warning:

Stalling: "What? What did you say? I can't hear you because I have my fingers stuffed in my ears right now!" Or perhaps he simply repeats the question a few times, "did I sleep with your best friend? Sleep with your best friend? Did I what? What? Whaaaat?! That's crazy-talk!"

Defensiveness: "Why would I even want to sleep with her? She's not even that good-looking. I mean, if I was ever going to cheat, which I totally am not and I resent the question, but I could get plenty of much better-looking girls than that!"

Excuses: "I'm just really tired. Of course I haven't just finished having sex with your best friend! I've just had a rough day, that's all. Give me about 30 minutes and I'll be good to go."

Answering your question with a question: "Why would you even ask me such a thing? Do you think she's hot? Did she say something about having the hots for me?"

What if: "What if I said I find her attractive and would be open to a threesome? Would you consider it?"

Sudden Stupidity: "I really don't recall." "Not that I can recall at this time." Or the ever popular "that depends on what your definition of "is" is." Basically, anything ever said by either Bill or Hillary Clinton while they were under oath is a giant red flag.

Too much detail: Men are normally not talkative unless the subject at hand is sports, cars, or supermodels. If your man not only answers your question, but fills you in on every tiny detail about the entire day, when on any other day he'd simply say "yep," then you know something is not quite right.

Suddenly turning Jewish on you(Using guilt): "Why would you even think such a thing?!" "Are you saying you think I'm a bad person?!" "My mother should live to hear this, that you would think I would ever, EVER be such a cold-hearted bastard as to do THAT!"

Sounds: "Ahem", "cough" or a rising, higher-pitched voice are warnings. Farting or burping are not, as this is normal male behavior.

Qualifiers: "to be fair" or "honestly ..."

Look out for

Fidgeting: Bouncing his leg, shifting in his seat (without adjusting his junk), tapping his fingers

Face touching: Scratching his nose or chin or forehead, or all three

Fiddling: Suddenly setting his watch, tightening the screws in his glasses, spinning a ring on his finger, fiddling with a necklace or other bling

Unblinking stare: Looking you straight in the eye without blinking, yet showing no signs of anger. This is often accompanied with a widening of the eyes so that they are fully opened, far more than normal

Cleaning: Suddenly straighting items on the table or dusting

Sweat: Wiping sweat of his forehead and fanning his armpits

Andy Dick mug shot
The Stare

So there you have it. Take all of this information and arm yourself. Given enough information you can totally control your man and virtually read his mind. And honestly, isn't that what you've always wanted?
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The State of the State


Nashville's Opryland Hotel

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Burt's Stache

Today is my day to blog over at Burt's Stach and so I did. Go and visit for 9 excellent Memphis tips on improving your career.
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Nude Atlantis

Memphis blows

Another Spring weekend, another round of tornadoes. And along with those tornadoes has come a torrent of rain. North Memphis is underwater. Houses there all have indoor swimming pools. Roads in south Memphis are washed out. Out here in The Boondocks where Mrs Memphis and I live we discovered washed out roads by trying to drive to the ultimate Southern gathering place - WalMart. We skidded to a stop at the edge of a river roaring past where the road used to be and looked in awe at the rushing waters. Little field mice were frantically swimming past, almost like a scene from an old '70s Disney movie in the days before Walt had died and a bunch of misandric pedophiles bought it and began producing ballbusting porn for children.

Run, Forrest, run!!!

We eventually did make it to WalMart, but not before trying several roads in search of one that wasn't a river. Along the way we noticed that one of our newest neighbors had lost his driveway. He built his house himself and only just moved in early this year. Luckily for him local codes called for him to build on a traditional foundation, elevating his house about 3 feet above the level of his yard. Even his garage is elevated which, at the time, seemed a bit odd. But now with the flood waters having turned his entire lawn into a lake the wisdom of the design is clear. Even so, he and his family are trapped. The driveway is underwater. At the connection of his driveway and the road, there is a ditch which he had to build over. That part of his driveway is washed out, so that he can't get out even when the water recedes.

My house is at the top of a hill, thanks in part to our experiences with our previous house which was at the lowest point on our street and came very close to flooding every time we had heavy rains. I'll never again buy or build a home without first making sure I know where the highest and lowest points in the area are. This massive flooding only reassures me that I'm right about that.

Last night I attempted to drive back to North Alabama, where my job is located on most weeks. I say attempted because I never made it. More than that, I almost didn't make it back home again.

I usually drive part of the way down a highway that takes me from The Boondocks, all the way through Kingdom Come, and down into a major Mississippi City. Yes, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "they have major cities in Mississippi?" Yes, well, it's large relative to the endless array of small towns that I pass through. It's not large relative to a real city like Nashville or Atlanta though.

Speaking of Nashville, it's underwater right now. The weather that has me trapped here at my house due to closed roads moved on past Memphis and flooded Nashville. After pummeling Nashville it has gone on into Georgia which is right this moment experiencing tornadoes.

So, last night, as I was attempting to head to North Alabama I encountered a part of the highway that was clearly underwater. But Tennessee Department of Transportation workers were on the scene, directing us to drive right on through it. I drive a 4x4 truck which sits high up off the ground, but even I had some difficulty driving through the water, mostly due to the fact that I couldn't see where the road was and ended up going partly off the side and into the ditch, which is pure mud. I made it through and assumed that if the Tennessee Department of Transportation was on the scene and directing us to drive through then the rest of the highway further down must be fine. It is higher, for the most part, so I assured myself that this was likely the lowest part of the highway and probably the only part underwater.

30 minutes down the road I discovered that I was wrong.

At the crest of a high hill were orange and white road barricades with flashing lights on them, and 2 trucks. I stopped and got out to ask the workers there how the hell I am supposed to get to the connecting highway I need since I don't know this area and my path is blocked. They said that the road was out ahead (duh) and that I should just take the winding streets off to the north, make a right where the road forks at the store with the gravel parking lot, and keep going until I hit my connecting highway. An old man in a Lexus behind me saw the barricades and turned where the workers had advised me to turn. I hoped he knew the area and began following him.

We passed the fork and the gravel parking lot and made a right just like the workers had said. And then we came to another fork in the road. The Lexus went right, so I went right, too.

I should mention that the fog due to all of this water was the worst I have ever seen. I absolutely could not see anything in front of me beyond the taillights of the Lexus at several points along the way. I was reminded that the driving lights on my brush guard do NOT double as fog lights and I need to yank them off and use their wiring to install a set of fog lights.

We came to another barricade, flashing light, and truck. We both stopped and got out to ask the workers where we were supposed to go. But there were no workers. So I talked to the man.

"I have no idea where I am. I'm basically following you because I'm not familiar with this area."

"I live not far from here, up in Farmville, but I'll be darned if I can figure how to get there. I need the same highway you do. It's not far, but so far all the roads are blocked. Let's go back to the fork in the road and try the other way."

So we did. At the fork we took the road we hadn't taken before, only to stop abruptly at an intersection where water was flowing across the road like whitewater rapids. The Lexus wasn't even going to consider trying that way, and I was so turned around by this point that I couldn't find my way out again without him showing me the way. He turned around and pulled next to me.

"I can't get through that. We may have to go all the way back to Kingdom Come and try another highway."

"I'm totally turned around at this point. I don't think I can even find my way out of here without following you. If you can show me the way back to the main highway I'm just going to go back home and tell my boss that I'm stuck."

We found our way back to the highway and headed to the flooded streets that the Tennessee Department of Transportation had previously directed us to drive through. About 45 minutes later we came to the flooded street, where a man with a truck and STOP sign was standing. We stopped and the driver of the Lexus began talking to him. They seemed to talk for a very long time, and a line of cars was piling up behind us. Finally, I got out and walked up to see what they were saying.

"The water up ahead is 2 feet deep in some places," the worker said. "These cars aren't going to make it through that without problems. Your truck should make it OK, hopefully."

Early that day I had been looking at photos of cars that had driven through flooded streets only to have the ground beneath the asphalt collapse, sending the cars into sinkholes upside down, with huge chunks of asphalt then falling on top of the cars. Visions of my truck crashing through the asphalt and sinking into a hole passed through my mind.

"You can go back and connect to Grand Rapids Road and take that straight into town, though. That's not flooded at all." the worker said, pointing back the direction we had just come.

"I know where that is," a woman who had walked up behind me said. "I'm going that way." And she turned and walked back to her car. We all turned around and began to follow her.

An eternity later, after backtracking the roads I had just driven twice now, we found the turn-off for Grand Rapids Road and headed North. The road wound up and up through houses and trees, noticeably elevating as we went, which was an encouraging sign. Even so, at points along the road there was water right up to the edge of the road.

Eventually we made our way back into the center of town. We all headed West, with the Lexus waving to me as they turned off into a McDonalds for a break. The old couple had their young granddaughter with them and she apparently needed a break. I couldn't blame her. The woman who had led us back to town turned down an alternate highway and headed south. I continued towards home. All I wanted by this point was to go home and get in my bed.

An hour later I was pulling into my driveway again. 3 hours before I had left that driveway, not expecting to be back again for almost a week. Mrs Memphis was there waiting for me, a very relieved look on her face. I had called her a few times to tell her what was going on. My battery was almost dead so I didn't talk much, but she was aware of what was going on. She simply had no idea where I was because many of the roads I had been redirected to don't show up on maps.

Once inside the house I turned on the news, where they were discussing the closing of the interstate between Memphis and Nashville due to flooding, the closing of both highways leading down through Mississippi into Alabama, my two best hopes for getting to my job, and the many, many homes that are underwater because of this disaster.

Right now the Weather Channel is showing that Nashville received 14 inches of rain in 2 days. I'm stuck. My routes down through Mississippi are closed. Heading straight across to Nashville was my best bet with Mississippi no longer an option. But 50 miles of interstate between Memphis and Nashville is currently closed. And inside the city is flooded. South of Nashville, which is where I need to go, the situation is even worse.

So, that's been my weekend. What did you do?

Dude, told you it don't float

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