Dutch Television Commercial

This takes awhile to download, or at least it did at my house, but it's worth the wait. I laughed and laughed.

If you are at work you'd better have headphones and make sure your speakers are off or turned way down because it's the sound that will get you into trouble on this one.
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Googlism Steve

All right. I stole this idea from Katya. If you go here and enter your name it tells you what Google thinks of you. This is what Google thinks of me.

Googlism for: steve

steve is sexxy Well thank you very much. I sure hope Google is female.
steve is back's recommendation page Yeah, OK. Blog on, dude.
steve is a newcomer to the kid Kid Rock?
steve is daddy Uh oh! Who's the momma?
steve is made principally of sixteen gauge mild sheet So I'm the Tinman?
steve is still a great A Great ... what? I want to hear how this one ends.
steve is saving something for apple expo I doubt that very much.
steve is a montana cowboy artist who captures today's west in Leesa must have written this.
steve is the man free javascripts provided by the I'm the free javascript man - Pay me!
steve is fat Fuck you.
steve is a hacker It doesn't pay all that well.
steve is getting defensive about his wife because he Don't you mess with Mrs Nude Memphis
steve is freaking great Not just regular great, but FREAKING great.
steve is less wordy in his old age Yeah, that'll be the day.
steve is right Yes, thank you for acknowledging that.
steve is it texas saltwater fishing I don't do a lot of Texas saltwater fishing, but maybe I should try it.
steve is ready to leave in triston and kirsten's wedding on These sound like soap opera people.
steve is an asshole Once again, fuck you. Although sometimes that's true.
steve is a genius And now you're back on track again.
steve is on the money Sitting right over the vault, in fact.
steve is the best Spread the word.
steve is gay Don't tell My Wife, you fuckface.
steve is hungry Not really, I ate too much crap for lunch.
steve is back in the ussr Haven't ever been. Anyway, it's just Russia again now. Cold winters, hot women.
steve is about to crash I don't doubt it.
steve is a ta Da?
steve is coo' Yeah, I'm coo, baby!
steve is the man I'm Rick James, Bitch!
steve is going to college If I don't get back to writing code soon I probably will have to.
steve is a dj OK, if you say so.
steve is hot Spread the word
steve is back since 1/21/2002 2 Where was I before that?
steve is a real nasty fellow Well, sometimes, but only when it's the right time to be nasty.
steve is a connecticut native who discovered his love for songwriting during college summers on martha’s vineyard where he performed with and wrote I must have been tripping
steve is daddy for a day What happened after that?
steve is a sure bet Yeah, you can rely on me, ladies. Tell all your friends.
steve is made principally of steel sheet Again with the Tinman thing
steve is still a great competitor" Yeah, and don't you forget it.
steve is going off to college and joe is coming—ready to play blue's clues Laura, is this your Joe?
steve is still consistently on the air in blue's clues episodes rerunning on nick jr Yay for me!
steve is saving something for apple expo 2000 Yes, my money. I wasn't there.
steve is calling all the shots Brings to mind Judas Priest's "Another think coming"
steve is ok Don't build me up just to bring me down
steve is now the director Good, give me a raise.
steve is deputy director of sei Lovely title, but who is sei?
steve is mixing and matching different types Blondes, brunettes, redheads ...
steve is deliberate and intentional Just the way she likes it
steve is getting defensive I AM NOT!
steve is the father of the world's cutest kid Who is the mother?
steve is an original Well, more or less. People confuse me with my brother sometimes
steve is not just a name No, it's 5 letters all jammed together, too.
steve is da man Robbie said this to me over and over while he was screwing my career
steve is playing a solo gig in sa pobla That reminds me, I have a CD out. Check it on Amazon - "Fire and Gasoline"
steve is it raining there yet? No, it is not. Thank you for asking. Putz
steve is also center scientist for the jpl center for in situ exploration and sample return So excited
steve is active in business for social responsibility Yeah, I'm a regular PC Nazi
steve is not only a pleasure to work with and reliable Tell my boss that. And my boss' boss. And so on. I want this on my next review.
steve is ready to leave If the opportunity is right
steve is the best skipper Yes, I skip just like a pro
steve is an asshole but i think he's a nice guy Make up your mind, dickhead pal.
steve is a big elvis fan Yeah, I just can't get enough of that Elvis. See my photo blog for details.
steve is going on an ocean cruise Been there, done that.
steve is well Good to know, doc.
steve is remastering a fabulous dave mason cd two If only I knew who Dave Mason was
steve is so neat when he works by mindi_d I'm sorry. What did you say?
steve is Apparently this is for me to finish?
steve is on the money posted by joe on february 23 Good old Joe
steve is one of the most creative Pimp Daddies of all time!
steve is back tomorrow Back at my desk, grinding away.
steve is back in the studio For a little more Fire and Gasoline, I guess
steve is god Just don't say that too loud.
steve is married to cheri winter and they have 2 children Is she hot? How come no one told me this?
steve is the president and programmer of stevens creek software OK. Am I rich?
steve is an active member of feast for the eyes artists group who meet at the cedar bar in the village once a month Geez, just tell everyone where to find me, why don't you?
steve is a certified practitioner of neuro I'm so excited about this. If only I knew what it was.
steve is a cartographer or map maker and received his degree from penn state university Go Penn State!
steve is the president of the mds cpa review course and is responsible for curriculum content Everyone gets an 'A,' now let's go get drunk!
steve is coo' friday What was I on Thursday?
steve is back Like Arnold?
steve is also a member of several professional organizations including the institute for network professionals Fabulous. Hammer home the geek thing. Thanks so much.
steve is an independent Libertarian. The term is 'Libertarian.'
steve is a three Yeah? Well, you're a two. Blow me.
steve is here Yeah, telling you to blow me.
steve is a man of many talents Yeah and making you blow me is my latest one
steve is an elitist and an innovator Innovate this. I'm still making you blow me.
steve is an incredible player and enjoys his status as the star athlete of the region Now you're getting back on my good side. Right after you finish blowing me.
steve is currently vice chairman of the west haven drug and alcohol task force Party at my house!
steve is at great pains to point out that this research was undertaken in a behavioral sciences department This is where I learned how to make people who piss me off blow me
steve is the one with the goofy grin Well, OK, I'll give you that.
steve is playing on a new record for rock and roll hall of famer jack cassidy Isn't that David Cassidy's daddy?
steve is currently the top selling realtor there Where are the Porkchop sisters? They'll want to know about this. Wait, Jen. Where is Jen? She'll be interested, too.
steve is teamed with Heather Graham and Jennifer Love Hewitt in a threesome.
steve is going away to college and his "brother joe" is taking his place No, I didn't go away and that was most of the problem.
steve is a man of taste Yes, I wear only colognes that come highly recommended.
steve is an articulated human fetal skeleton That is just too freaky to even be an insult
steve is sexxy Yes, so much so that they've added an extra 'X'
steve is gay???????? That would be a no!!!!!!!
steve is a newcomer to the kid Tell the kid to get over it.
steve is that the so called fast road valve No, it's my dick. Stop trying to fill it with air.
steve is worth £1m to town Thanks, I'll take the train.
steve is ‘kwik’ off the mark But I can keep it going all night.
steve is leaving blue's clues This makes me so sad.
steve is spamming the board again That's because they won't let me post my audioblog.
steve is wrong poster You just said I was right. Make up your mind.
steve is wondering if the 'goldfish 3 second memory span' is an urban myth What were we talking about?
steve is hot And you say this after I made you blow me, too. Hmm.
steve is finally revealed Well, how else were you gonna blow me?
steve is home now Yeah momma, bring daddy home.
steve is the new world cup champion steve was fastest today at the world cup final Beep beep!
steve is that the so called fast road valve that they sell in england? Yes, I use it on all my racecars. And now for a word from Mobil 1.
steve is columbo was re Columbo was cool. My Wife watches the reruns all the time.
steve is evil You don't know the POWER of the dark side, Anakin.
steve is gone Gone baby, way gone. Like crazy, man.
steve is a hard performer to categorise; perhaps the best description of him is "story I can't imagine where you were going with this.
steve is king Thus, I can force you to blow me, as I did.
steve is asking for your support so he can win the republican primary in june 2002 and be elected our new congressman for the 5th us congressional district in Malibu, California, where the chicks are hot and it never rains.
steve is the founder of goscape providing powerful tools to enrich Myself after the ipo.
steve is back in the studio Apparently they want me to redo some tracks?
steve is a man of many talents None of which are paying me enough money.
steve is the author of numerous technical articles on c++ programming techniques and compiler design And if you know anyone looking to hire a good C++ programmer please let me know.
steve is married Yes, to Mrs. Steve
steve is performing a role as a san diego police sergeant in the indie feature "the courier" directed by lorena david Do I get to go to Cannes?
steve is a happy idiot I love you, Jackass.
steve is now my bitch You've got that backward. From now on I shall call you 'Kneepads.'
steve is prepared What, can you see the circle in my wallet? Damn, that's embarrassing.
steve is crazy and on a harley Got any photos of that?
steve is lost But on a Harley, so I'm good either way.
steve is a patriot poster Yeah, screw the UN.
steve is 5'5" On my knees maybe.
steve is testing unconfirmed reports indicate that beelzebub felt his first breeze at 2 The power of Christ compels you!
steve is testing Yes, and it better work. The power of Christ compels you! Dammit!
steve is a sweetheart name Why thank you, Kneepads.
steve is getting his ass ready to celebrate What about the rest of me?
steve is a funny dude who likes suvs so piss off beaner Yeah, piss off, beaner!
steve is local hero mar 6 2002 It's good to be well thought of.
steve is spiffy fanclub is run by cassie hewitt and apryl hewitt Hey girls!
steve is one of the lads in skelthwaite mar 13 2002 Hey boys.
steve is a shmuck 2002 Brighton, is that you? Just kidding!
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Nude French Marines

Madonna's Personal Trainer?
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THIS is why

God Bless America
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Laura and Stephanie, Naked on a toilet

this is an audio post - click to play
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Thought For The Day

If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?
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this is an audio post - click to play
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Audioblogger rises from the grave!

this is an audio post - click to play

My allergies are driving me nuts, so if I sound clogged you can get over it or send me some drugs.
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State Senator John Ford Arrested in FBI Sting

John Ford, other lawmakers charged with taking bribes in FBI's Tennessee Waltz

Agents set up a fake company to catch influence peddlers

By Marc Perrusquia

May 27, 2005

State Sen. John Ford remained in federal custody overnight after being charged Thursday with accepting bribes from a fake FBI company, then threatening to shoot potential witnesses against him.

The witnesses were actually undercover federal agents, according to indictments unsealed Thursday morning.

The controversial Memphis Democrat was one of seven charged with accepting more than $90,000 to push legislation for E-Cycle Management Inc., a firm with an Internet Web site that claimed offices in Memphis, Atlanta and overseas but that actually was the creation of federal authorities.

Company president "Joe Carson" met with lawmakers to push his agenda, passed out fake business cards, made campaign contributions and even hosted a reception with live music for lawmakers at the Sheraton Nashville Hotel.

Charged along with Ford were two other prominent Memphis Democrats, Sen. Kathryn Bowers and former senator Roscoe Dixon, a longtime lawmaker who resigned this year for a new job as a top aide to Shelby County Mayor AC Wharton.

Dixon resigned from that post Thursday at Wharton's urging.

Bowers this month was elected to Dixon's seat in a special election after serving years in the House.

Also indicted are two East Tennessee legislators, Sen. Ward Crutchfield, D-Chattanooga, and Rep. Chris Newton, R-Cleveland, and two others described as bagmen.

Legislators are paid a base salary of $16,500 a year, and rules allow them to remain in office pending their trials. They are, however, required to give up committee chairmanships when facing criminal charges.

The charges, returned late Wednesday by a federal grand jury in Memphis, were sealed until all defendants were in custody. Ford was arrested by three FBI agents as he stepped off an elevator at his Nashville hotel.

Ford was immediately transported back to Memphis and made no comment as he was led into a courtroom hours later in handcuffs and shackles.

He faces a 10 a.m. bond hearing today when a judge is expected to consider whether Ford -- a 31-year Senate veteran whose influence commanded a $356,000 consulting income in 2003 -- is now indigent and in need of a court-appointed attorney.

Prosecutors said they would attempt to have Ford held without bond.

Believing the hearing was to happen Thursday, prosecutors readied a courtroom to show videotapes.

"He's upset, obviously. He's confused and dismayed,'' said Ford's lawyer, Martin A. Grusin.

The FBI sting, code-named Tennessee Waltz, is the state's biggest public corruption probe since the Rocky Top bingo scandal, and U.S. Atty. Terry Harris left the door open when asked if others may be charged.

"Our citizens should be able to expect (their) government is not for sale,'' Harris said during a press conference broadcast live across the state.

Operation Rocky Top of the late 1980s netted 75 convictions, triggered indictments of four public officials and lobbyists and resulted in the suicides of veteran Rep. Ted Ray Miller (D-Knoxville) and Secretary of State Gentry Crowell.

Harris said the Tennessee Waltz sting came in response to longstanding reports of corruption in the General Assembly. Investigators worked covertly over the past two years and into this spring, even as a public ethics tempest swirled over Ford's financial ties to state contractors.

The fake company approached lawmakers and passed out money in exchange for influence and favorable legislation, indictments say.

The greatest share -- $55,000 in cash -- allegedly went to Ford, who has been in and out of trouble since his first election to the Senate in 1974.

Ford is the focus of a separate grand jury probe exploring lucrative consulting fees received in recent years from state contractors.

"You are talking to the guy that makes the deals,'' Ford told an undercover agent who first approached him in April 2004, according to the indictment.

Ford, 63, placed in handcuffs Thursday morning across from Legislative Plaza in Nashville and transported by federal agents to Memphis, is charged with one count of extortion, one count of stealing from a federally funded program and three counts of witness intimidation.

Ford allegedly threatened to shoot agents on three occasions between February and April.

On March 11, the indictment said, Ford threatened "an FBI agent acting in an undercover capacity,'' saying "if he caught someone trying to set him up he would shoot that person, kill them, so that there would be no witnesses.''

A factor expected to be considered today when an as-yet unscheduled judge considers releasing Ford is his court record that includes firearms charges.

A jury acquitted Ford in 1991 of shooting at a truck driver, and he served a probation term and won diversion after waving a shotgun at utility workers during a confrontation in 1997.

Thursday's arrests, which included apprehensions of Newton, Crutchfield and Bowers, triggered shock waves from one end of Tennessee to the other.

Records show Tennessee Waltz started as a closely held secret and remained so for months.

That secret began to unfold Wednesday when, in a rare move, authorities cleared Judge Jon McCalla's courtroom to receive sealed indictments from a Memphis federal grand jury.

According to those indictments, unsealed Thursday morning, the FBI formed a fake company, E-Cycle Management Inc., in 2003. Ostensibly, E-Cycle was in the business of obtaining and disposing of outdated electronic equipment outside the United States.

Over the next months agents passed out payments in efforts to secure legislation that would make it easier for E-Cycle to obtain equipment from government agencies.

E-Cycle reportedly got a bite as early as June 2003 from defendant Barry Myers, a former Ford campaign worker and ex-employee with the Juvenile Court Clerk's office.

According to an indictment charging him with six counts of extortion and Hobbs Act violations, Myers told undercover agents "he had influence over, collected money for, and was in essence a 'bag man' for certain members of the Tennessee General Assembly.''

Myers also said those lawmakers "could be influenced in sponsoring and voting for certain legislation that would benefit E-Cycle,'' the indictment said.

As part of that conspiracy, the indictment said, Myers introduced E-Cycle representatives to Bowers, then a state representative from Memphis, "who would co-sponsor, and support legislation beneficial to E-Cycle, in exchange for illegal payments of sums of money.''

Together, Myers and Bowers allegedly took $11,500 in bribes.

As E-Cycle pressed Bowers to co-sponsor legislation, she told agents she "would not accept money directly from the E-Cycle representative, but that the money should go through'' Myers, the indictments alleged.

Released on her own recognizance, Bowers said, "Sometimes people may be indicted for something but that doesn't mean they're guilty."

For Myers, this is the second public corruption probe in three years in which he's been named as a bag man, although he wasn't charged in the other case.

Emerging from a grand jury room in 2002, then-County Commission aide Calvin Williams told a reporter that he and Myers passed $1,500 in cash in purported hush money to a woman who had accused a county employee of assaulting her.

Charged in that case were Williams and then-Juvenile Court clerk Shep Wilbun. In a puzzling move, state prosecutors this month dropped the charges as a trial started for Williams, Wilbun and a third defendant.

The E-Cycle agents also approached Dixon, who took $9,500 in bribes with Myers in 2004, according to an indictment.

Dixon, also released Thursday, said after his hearing, "I don't have anything to hide.''

He called the arrests a "dog and pony show,'' saying "the public has to understand that there is politics in this.'' He said his lawyers urged him not to discuss the case in-depth.

Indictments charge that Charles Love, a Hamilton County school board member, took $9,500 in bribes along with Newton, who introduced a bill this session, also sponsored by Ford in the Senate.

The bill, which never passed, would have allowed the state commissioner of general services in consultation with the governor and others to transfer computer and electronic equipment to "local education agencies, without financial consideration.''

It also would have allowed fees to be charged to the state to dispose of equipment, calling for disposals to be made by "a qualified electronic recycling company.''

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The Library

I have been tagged by Miss Peanut Queen to talk about books. So I will.

A. Total number of books I own:

I’ll have to estimate. Let’s see, 5 tall bookshelves in the computer room, each shelf double-stacked with a row shoved all the way to the back and another row of books in front of them. On one shelf I very carefully tripled-stacked. Closet converted to shelves, all stacked with books (and some 1/18 scale musclecars.) Boxes of books in the floor. More boxes of books in the entryway closet, one of which My Wife accidentally ran a 12” drill bit halfway through while installing the phone line for the computer. This created a lovely round hole through the center of each and every page in the affected books. More books in the bedroom, some under the nightstand, some beside it, some over against the wall next to the TV. More books in the hall where they were never intended to be permanently stored, but you know how that goes. More books in the living room. Should I count My Wife’s books, too? The remaining guest bedroom is filled with her books, several homemade bookshelves, which can hold more books than my cheap store-bought shelves, all triple-stacked, plus more in the floor and more in the bedroom and more in the living room. It’s thousands. Thousands of books. I don’t know how many. I’d have to start measuring the books, take an average, then measure the rooms and work it out that way.

B. The last book I bought:

Naked Happy Girls – a book apparently by a Jewish New York man who gets stoned with various women he meets and takes photos of them naked. And they’re all very happy about it. And there is a Janet Evanovich book on the way that My Wife wanted me to order. Technically that is the last book I bought, but Naked Happy Girls makes for more interesting blogging, don’t you think? I can hear you whispering, “Memphis owns a book called ‘Naked Happy Girls.’ He’s such a perv!”

C. The last book I read:

Oh, this will not be fun. Take your pick here, VB.NET web programming in 21 days, Java 2.0 in 21 days, The Tyranny of Good Intentions, The Death of Right and Wrong, Rapid Development: Taming Wild Software Schedules, and other equally unexciting titles.

D. Five books that mean a lot to me:

1. The Bible – It’s the instructions, man.

2. Just put all of the Tolkein books here, from The Hobbit on to Return of the King

3. The Prince by Machiavelli – More instructions, man.

4. Animal Farm – It’s really, really relevant to America, and especially New York City and San Francisco, today.

5. Dr Fegg’s Nasty Book of Knowledge by Monte Python – I read it when I was young and it was just so funny.

E. 2 major books when I was a kid that I kept on me all the time:

I didn’t carry any books with me all the time. I was a comic book collector and I treated pretty much everything I had like a valuable comic. So my books stayed in the house, with no pages folded and no writing in them. All of my old Tolkein books look like I just bought them, except the pages are yellow.

F. 5 People I want to tag:

I can’t tag 5 people. Or at least I don’t think I can. Everyone is always tagged before I get it. Let’s see what I can do …

Extraordinary Woman – because I should have tagged her last time

Robin - because I've never tagged her before and I want to
Artful Laura – because she makes me laugh, especially when her kids have thrown baby powder all over the kitchen and she’s fuming mad about it.
Retarius – because I want him to come back and start blogging again.
Stephanie D. – because she needs to stop watching the porn and do something constructive. :)
Dotty – because she’s got penises on the brain and I’m trying to distract her.

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WTF part II

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New York City passes law requiring sex discrimination

New York City has been the capital of anti-male bigotry for a long time. This week they joined other sexist cities in passing a new law requiring all new buildings to have at least 2 women's bathrooms for every 1 men's bathroom. They even called this 'equity' and 'parity.' Like Humpty Dumpty, when they use words they simply mean whatever they want them to mean at the time.

Here is the article.
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Audioblogger sucks - Last Night on "LOST"

This is what I was trying to do as an audioblog last night, only Audioblogger is a piece of shit and won't let me in so I have to write it. Just try to imagine that I am doing this over the phone.

"I finally figured out why you're here on this raft with me."


"Yeah. It bothered me 'cause you're totally selfish and don't care about nobody else but yourself. But then I figured it out."

"Yeah, so why is it?"

"'Cause you want to die, just like your father. Tell me that ain't so. Go ahead and tell me, Cracker."

"No, that has nothing to do with it."

"OK, so why are you doing this, then?"

"You really wanna know?"

"I axin' you ain't I?"

"Cause I like black guys."

[long pause]

"Get the fuck off this raft!"

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Funny Video Ad for Blaupunkt

This is really, really funny.

Not only that, but I'm buying a new stereo after seeing this.
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play that funky music

Passed along by Elisabeth the Beautiful, because she is convinced that I like Billy Ray Cyrus. Truth is, I like Shania Twain and Faith Hill. I might go hunting or 4-wheeling with Billy Ray, but I have no idea what songs he sings.

1. Total volume of music files on my computer?

I hate to poop on this party, but since I’m at work there are 0 megabytes of music files on my computer. Now, if we were to go to my house and check it would be another story.

2. The last CD I bought was?

Either “American Idiot” by Green Day or “I Am Shelby Lynne” by Shelby Lynne. I don’t recall which was last. She was on Leno last night. Green Day was on Saturday Night Live last weekend. Take your pick.

3. Song playing right now:

See, now this is the problem with asking me this while I am at work. Nothing is playing right now. I have on a headset for my phone because I’ve just been on a call about a problem with a very important system that one of our DBAs totally screwed up last night (and won’t admit it.)

4. Five songs I listen to a lot or that mean a lot to me (in no particular order):

Breakaway – Kelly Clarkson

100 Years – 5 for Fighting

Superman – 5 for Fighting

Today, Tonight – Dishwalla

The Way - Fastball

And my absolute favorite, must-have:

Heavy - Collective Soul

5. What 3 songs are you ashamed to admit you like?

I Haven’t Been Home For Three Whole Nights – Spike Jones

Turning Japanese – The Vapors

Freewheel Burning - Judas Priest

OK, I'm not really ashamed of these, but it's hard to come up with something for this

6. Which 5 people are you passing this baton to, and why?

Sarah the Porkchop – because I like her and she's funny

Laura – because I’m moving next door to her and taking her for a ride

Katya – because she gave me chocolate crème eggs and teaches me funny English words

Brighton/Tricia – because she’s always, always interesting

Deek – because he’s keeping Retarius alive

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If the Tinman were Irish

Screw Kansas, Dorothy. Have a beer!
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Star Wars III - Revenge of Seth Green

My Wife went into the kitchen this afternoon to make herself some pudding. I was busy on the computer admiring Laura's hot new self-portrait photo and trying to decide how to pick her up if I should ever meet her face-to-face. I had just settled on raising one eyebrow and saying as cooly as possibly, "Hey babe, how you doin'" when suddenly, from out of the kitchen, I hear My Wife scream, "NOOOOOOO!"

My Wife had decided to use the electric mixers to make her pudding, so she poured all the ingredients into a bowl and then inserted the rapidly spinning blades into the bowl. This was apparently a bad idea.

I went to see what my wife was screaming about. There she stood, covered head-to-toe in chocolate pudding. The kitchen wasn't exactly unscathed either. It was a Willy Wonka chocolate factory come to life.

"I just wanted some pudding. Now I have to take a shower," she explained half-disgusted and half-laughing.

"Well, I guess you got your chocolate at least."

So, once we had cleaned the mess up we did what any normal couple would do in such circumstances. We went to see "Star Wars Episode III."

As we stood in line to get our tickets My Wife noticed a black woman pointing at my shirt and laughing.

"I can't believe you wore that shirt to the movies," My Wife then said to me.

"What?" I asked innocently and then looked down to see what shirt it was that was causing so much commotion at a Star Wars movie. "Oops."

One time, just for a joke, I bought 2 t-shirts for myself and My Wife. They both have a little cartoon dog sticking his butt out and farting. Underneath the cartoon it says, "Just for you."

Oh well, it was meant to be funny anyway. Glad to have gotten such an easy laugh, although it was meant as an inside joke just for the 2 of us.

Anyway, once inside the movie we were tortured with 15 minutes of crap ads for HBO shows I couldn't care less about and then the previews for other films and then the 'still time to visit the snack bar' crap. My Wife had gotten a solid gold bucket of popcorn and the most expensive cup of Sprite in the history of the world. So, while we were watching this 2 hour and 22 minute film we each had to get up and pee at least once. Maybe I missed something important? I couldn't figure out who this guy Seth was that was supposed to rise up and cause so much trouble. But I did think that Anakin Skywalker gets a raw deal from the asshole emporer in the film. He should kill that guy for all the crap he does to him. Maybe I should email George Lucas and tell him that? He'd probably like the idea for a sequel. That'd be cool.

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Fart Giggle Giggle Fart Giggle Giggle

Tonight I took My Wife out for dinner. It was a special occasion. As we were driving to the Olive Garden she was describing the stress at work.

"It's like balancing a brick on top of a croissant - it's a delicate situation," she said, with complete seriousness.

"What?!" I asked, assuming she was trying to be funny.

"Balancing a brick on top of a croissant," she repeated.

I looked at her long and hard. She was clueless.

"That's just really funny," I said, and then started searching around in her purse for a pen so I could write it down.

"What" she exclaimed, fully aware that I was going to write this in the list of 'wifeisms' and put it on the internet tonight. I pulled out my little Philips camera and took a photo of her laughing because the sun was hitting her just right.

At supper we sat at a tiny table over in the corner, with the sun streaming in just on us. It was as cozy and private as it gets in a jam packed Olive Garden restaurant. And as we sat, eating our meal, My Lovely Wife was doing this:

FART! "Giggle giggle."

(5 minutes later)

FART! "Giggle giggle."

On and on this went, thoughout the meal, My Wife farting and giggling to herself. I felt grateful in that it required absolutely nothing of me to keep her entertained. Her own stress-induced gas was all she needed.

But I do feel a little sorry for the people who got our table after we left.

And farts or no farts, we had a fabulous time tonight.
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100 Bits of Crap About Me - 76 through 85

I have more crap about myself to tell you. I can't do 100 at a time like Katya the amazing 100 Things machine, so I have to post them in parcels of 10. Here are the latest 10:

  1. I shoot well enough with a 9 mm but I still prefer an old .357 revolver.

  2. I am having a royally shitty day today.

  3. Of all my different sources of heritage, the Scottish in me is apparently fairly dominant. If you ever hear of an old man dying in his shack, with no heat or electricity, and they find $1 million in his mattress that he tucked away over the years, but never spent a single dime on himself, that man is Scottish, I guarantee.

  4. I can’t listen to music if I don’t like the words. Even if the song is great otherwise, if the singer is saying things I don’t like for whatever reason then I can’t stand the song. I hear every word of every song. I can’t block it out. I also hear all the instruments. I don’t relax to music, I analyze. I hear the bass and I separate it from the guitars. And I separate out the keyboards. If I listen to a song enough times I’ll have it all picked to pieces in my head. If I can’t tell which instrument is doing what it kind of bugs me.

  5. At concerts if I can get right up on the wall in front of the band I practically miss the show because I end up focusing on the guitars. At a Heart concert I ended up watching Nancy Wilson to see how many frets she could stretch her fingers to reach. She has little hands. I don’t know why this mattered to me.

  6. I once emailed my old college music teacher because I had this song stuck in my head, but I didn’t know the name of it or how to find it because it has no words and I didn’t know the title or composer. I described it for her in my email as well as a song without words can be described in an email and amazingly enough she guessed it. Now I have it on CD.

  7. I have always been people-oriented. When I’d draw or paint or went out to shoot random photos I always gravitated toward people. I never cared about drawing bowls of fruit or draped cloth or painting flowers or shiny bottles. These days I end up photographing things such as flowers and cats mostly for practice, but what I really want is to hire a model and focus on photographing people. It’s always in the back of my mind.

  8. Our waitress at the Chile’s restaurant in My Little Redneck Town, Jade, would make a fantastic model. She has the perfect lines, especially her face. But she’s not a very good waitress. I don’t think I’ll tell her that though.

  9. My Oldest Sister used to be a fantastic painter. She focused on drawing and painting anything and everything except for people. Mostly she was fascinated with horses. When she’d do a painting that required a person in it I’d draw the person for her and she’d finish it from there. One day she quit painting and never picked it up again, just like I did with drawing.

  10. When I am really bored in traffic, or if I’m just stressed in general, I’ll sing at the top of my lungs to the car stereo, no matter what song is playing (although if it's a stupid song then I'll make fun of it.) The local redneck boys will sometimes point and laugh if they notice me singing in my truck, but I don’t care. It’s like being mocked by a monkey or a squirrel. Big deal.

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Beanie Baby

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Scent Poll

I have only just discovered that certain scents drive otherwise normal women crazy. I had heard this hinted at in the past, but always thought it was a joke. So now I want to know which one I should invest my money in, so I’m asking you.

If you are a woman, which do you go nuts over? The smell of:

Old Spice
Some other smell I can buy that won't attract flies or ants (what?)

This is important because there is a vast difference in the prices for this stuff and also because my not having a sense of smell, I could easily buy something that smells like poop or radishes and have no idea. And Lord knows no one would ever bother to tell me.


my new favorite Word For The Day is:

Craptacular – a creative combination of the phrase “oh crap” and a scarcastic “spectacular.” Word courtesy of Kellie Oleson posting a comment on Christy Killjoy’s blog, which is where I was reading when I discovered the woman-going-wild-for-cologne-odors thing in the first place. Basically this whole post was inspired by my reading her blog today.
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The Mother-in-law Has Met Her Match

My Mother-In-Law drives My Wife crazy sometimes. Lots of times, actually, if I were to be more accurate. She lives about 300 miles away and she is alone, except for her dog, a half-Labrador, half-Chow whom she feeds Little Debbie snacks and Lucky Charms and chocolate cake because “I eat it and he wants some, too.”

Yes, and if she smoked cigarettes he'd want that, too, but that doesn't mean it's a good idea to give it to him. But, I digress.

She will call several times each day. If we don’t answer she’ll leave a very long and detailed message about her day.

“Hey! Guess who? Today I went to the store and I was looking for some shoes and then I found a pair but they were too expensive so I asked the saleslady can I bring my dog in here and she said she had large intestines and an irritable bowel and then I couldn’t find a place to park so I replaced the windows upstairs and now he digs holes in the gardenias and all my neighbors are turning into black people so I called her sister and she won’t pick up but I know she’s home and “ BEEP – REMAINING RECORDING TIME: 3 SECONDS.

When My Wife does answer these calls all she does is sit and listen to the Mouth-of-the-South talk for 3 hours about the very same crap she just left in her many messages on our answering machine. If My Wife attempts to speak she gets interrupted. She never gets to say anything. This frustrates her to death and when she gets off the phone she’ll start doing it to me, talking like mad about how much it annoys her that her mother won’t ever listen. If I try to speak a single word she accuses me of “always interrupting” her. This expression of rage and frustration, I believe, is meant to be directed at her mother, but she never says it to her mother. And I’m certainly not going to since no one on her side of the family listens to a damn thing I say anyway, whereas when My Wife's brother speaks it is surely the Gospel and must be true even if it isn't.

Whenever the Mother-In-Law plans to come visit us we have the same argument with her every single time:

“I need to bring my little doggie.”

“Mom, you can’t bring the dog. We have cats and there is a huge drain under the fence where the dog will get out.”

“That doesn’t matter. I’m going to bring him inside the house anyway. He's going to sleep in your bed with me.”

“Mom, the dog cannot come inside the house and he sure as hell can't sleep in our bed. We have white carpet and he gets muddy prints in every single person’s house you have ever taken him to. Remember when he went inside your ex-boyfriend’s house and ruined his carpet?”

“He won’t make any prints on your carpet. And I’ll clean them up. It won’t be a problem. He's going to sleep with me in your bed. I need my wittle doggie. He’s my wittle biddy baby.” (She gets younger and younger as the conversation goes along, until she’s finally about 2 years old, which sounds really strange when combined with her nasal, New York, Fran Drescher accent.)

Each year the argument happens again, as if we never discussed this before and she has no idea that bringing her furniture eating, please-let-me-out, let's-wrestle-in-the-yard, Labrador might pose any sort of imposition upon us. At one point I had to call her myself, while My Wife was outside and unaware of my actions, and tell her that there are these things called "kennels" where a person might leave their dog or cat, as we have done when visiting her, to be cared for by a professional. Apparently this call helped somewhat.

When we go to visit the Mother-In-Law she talks and talks and then takes My Wife shopping at every store and mall anywhere near Atlanta. My Wife, by the way, hates to shop. After a long, long day of shopping we are all forced to watch "E.R." on television and then whatever else is on the "Lifetime Network."

So, what has all this to do with the Mother-In-Law meeting her match?

Recently my Brother-In-Law found himself a wife. He has been in the Navy nuclear program for a number of years and was getting rather lonely, as sometimes happens when a highly intelligent teenage Atlanta, Georgia boy is taken advantage of by Navy recruiters and dumped on a naval base in New York for a few years. After meeting some of the women in and around the New York area where he was stationed, he decided that a life of celibacy was probably a better choice and focused on racing cars and drinking beer with the guys. Later, the Navy picked him up and dropped him in Groton, Connecticut. The women in Groton were no more impressive to him than the ones in New York, and so he did not date anyone, at all, ever.

At some point the Brother-In-Law met a friend or cousin or sister of a shipmate (I can’t remember how she relates) and ended up dating her for a month or two before asking her to marry him. She’s from deep south Georgia and nothing like anyone in New York or Connecticut (she’s not a lesbian, wears underwear, doesn't wear a crewcut or flattop, and doesn’t dress like Buster Brown.) In fact, if you picture a 20-year-old woman from the stereotypical South, not including Florida and not including anyone ever to appear in any issue of Playboy, you’re probably thinking of her – dyed blonde hair, a little heavy, big grin, always talking. Overall, she’s a pretty nice person, which contrasts her greatly with the young single females my Brother-In-Law met in the cold, cold Northeast and thus she caught his attention.

Last night, the Mother-In-Law called to complain to My Wife about the Daughter-In-Law.

“She calls me up and just talks my head off right from the start. I can’t get a word in edgewise. And she talks about NOTHING. All she wants to do is shop. She says she’s coming over tomorrow, and get this, she is BRINGING HER DOG. Can you believe that?! She’s bringing her damned dog to my house! I tried to tell her that I don’t think that is a very good idea, but she just won’t listen. My dog is going to be so upset at having another dog in the house … blah blah blah.”

Now, if I have explained his properly then you should be thinking about now, “she sounds like she’s exactly the same as the mother-in-law.”

If you are thinking this then I did my job and you are RIGHT ON THE MONEY. The new Daughter-In-Law is exactly like the Mother-In-Law and it is driving the Mother-In-Law crazy. And yet, as the Mother-In-Law is in the process of complaining about all of this to My Wife it never even crosses her mind that all of the things which have so greatly upset her are the very same things that she does to all of us. My Wife even held out hope briefly that Her Mother would see this apparently obvious fact and change her ways, but the hope died quickly as the complaining went on and on for hours, without ever allowing My Wife to get a word in edgewise.

Ah, but what fantastic entertainment it provides for me! Few things are quite so enjoyable to witness as someone meeting and being annoyed by their identical twin.
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Your Zodiac Sign Explained - Capricorn the Florida Peanut Goat

The Florida Peanut Goat
December 22 to January 20

Traditional Capricorn Traits

Practical and prudent – If there is no need for a dentist you won’t go. If a tooth can be pulled with a pair of pliers and a bathroom sink, you’re all for it. If puppies can be delivered at home or inside a moving vehicle without paying a vet you don’t mind a little afterbirth. Just get’er done.

Ambitious and disciplined – You read and study and better yourself. When a lunatic in the park tries to demand money from you somehow you manage to restrain yourself and not shoot her dead or kick her in the baby-box. No crazy bag lady is going to rattle you.

Patient and careful – You can wait all day for the fish. Come rain or shine, nakedness or turtle patrol intruders, you will get your Peanut Fish.

Humorous and reserved – You are a girl who knows how to tell a story. Everyone loves hearing you tell a tale. They can picture the story in their minds, you running through the yard, screaming a little high-pitched scream, as your daddy runs along behind you with an evil grin, swinging that broom at your hind end.

On the dark side....

Pessimistic and fatalistic – If that crazy bag lady shows up again it’s going to be a different story. Fatalistic can’t begin to describe what will happen to her. You only get one lunch break each day and by God you’re going to read your book and be left the hell alone. You want a dollar? Go to the Dollar Store and ask for a damned job application. Better yet, go the nearest strip club and dance for it. They’ll give you all the dollars you can hold. Just leave Capricorn Stacy the hell alone when she’s reading!

Miserly and grudging – No dollar for you. Fuck off.

Capricorn Peanut! About Your Sign...

Capricorn Peanut is one of the most stable and (mostly) serious of the zodiacal bloggers. These independent, rocklike characters have many sterling qualities. They are normally confident, strong willed and calm, even when their Peanut King comes in with broken teeth. These hardworking, unemotional, shrewd, practical, responsible, persevering, and cautious to the extreme Peanut Persons, are capable of persisting for as long as is necessary to catch a fish while naked. They are reliable workers in almost any profession they undertake, just so long as you leave them alone while they’re reading during lunch and don’t play the fucking drums outside their bedroom window at 3 a.m. They are the major finishers of most projects started by the 'pioneering' signs (they clean up all your shit); with firm stick-to-it-ness they quickly become the backbone of any company they work for.

Capricornian Peanut Queens make of themselves, resourceful, determined managers; setting high standards for themselves and others who fish nude with them or need CPR. They can perform medical miracles when proper tools are not handy with superglue and determination. They strive always for honesty in their criticism of self, even to the point of not recognizing their own hotness. They respect discipline from above and demand it from those beneath them, be they pit bulls or ex-boyfriend’s cats. In their methodical, tough, stubborn, unyielding way, they persist against personal hardship (Pelicans and father’s with brooms), putting their families and/or their work before their own needs and welfare to reach their objectives long after others have given up and fallen by the wayside. They can perform CPR on those who do fall. In fact when practical ability allied with the drive of ambition are required in employees to make a project succeed, Capricornian Peanut Queens are the people to hire. They plan carefully to fulfill their ambitions, which often include becoming wealthy and placing turds in punchbowls, they are economical without meanness (the turd was only a joke), and able to achieve great results with minimum effort and expense. Because of their organizing ability they are able to work on several projects simultaneously. The Peanut King does not count as a project, by the way.

Some Capricornian Peanut Queens deserve the adjective based on their name - capricious. They can be surprisingly and suddenly witty and subtle for the quiet, reserved individuals they seem to be, and they also have a tendency to run out of things to blog about, but even when blogging that they have nothing to blog about they are entertaining and fascinating to their loyal fans. Another unexpected quality in some Capricornian Peanut Queens is an interest in the occult which persists in spite of their naturally skeptical turn of mind and aversion to dead chicken parts except when fried and served with biscuits and mashed potatoes.

Their intellects are sometimes very subtle. They think profoundly and deeply, thoroughly exploring all possibilities before deciding on a 'safe' alternative. They have good memories and an insatiable yet methodical desire for knowledge. They are rational, logical and clearheaded, have good concentration, delight in debate in which they can show off their cleverness by luring their adversaries into traps and confounding them with logic, even when the adversary is a little intoxicated and just bound and determined to bash their tooth out on the corner of the sink.

In their personal relationships they are often ill-at-ease, if not downright unhappy. They are somewhat self-centered but not excessively so, wary and cautious around people they do not know very well, preferring not to meddle with others and in turn not to allow interference with themselves, thus they tend to attract people who do not understand them, but think they are as cute as Holly Hunter. Casual acquaintances they will treat with diplomacy, tact and, above all, reticence, as a Peanut Queen should. They make few good friends but are intensely loyal to those they do make, and they can become bitter, and powerful enemies if you mess with their pit bulls. They sometimes dislike the opposite sex, blogging long and intricate jokes about their curious traits, and test the waters of affection gingerly before judging the temperature right for marriage to a suitable Peanut King. Once married, however, they are faithful, though inclined to jealousy. Most Capricornian Peanut Queens marry for life, or until they kill him, which is sort of the same thing.

Their occupations can include most professions that have to do with math or money and they are strongly attracted to music. They should not be dentists or nurses. They can be economists, financiers, bankers, speculators, contractors, managers and real estate brokers. They excel as bureaucrats, especially where projects demanding long-term planning and working are concerned, and their skill in debate and love of dialectic make them good politicians. They are excellent teachers, especially as principals of educational establishments where they have the authority to manage and organize without too much intimacy with the staff members. If working with their hands, they can become practical scientists, engineers, farmers and builders. The wit and flippancy which is characteristic of certain Capricornian Peanut Queens may make some turn to entertainment via the blog as a career.



  • Reliability
  • Professionalism
  • Knowing what you discuss
  • Firm Foundations
  • Purpose


  • Wild Schemes
  • Fantasies
  • Go-nowhere jobs
  • Ignominy
  • Ridicule



As with all sun signs, we all have unique traits to our personalities. When these traits are suppressed, or unrealized, alcohol and nude fishing-related problems will arise. However, with astrology and professional bullshitting we can examine the problem and assess the proper solution based on the sun sign characteristics. As a Capricornian Peanut Queen, you may see things below that really strike home. Try the solution, you most likely will be amazed at the results. If you find yourself on the receiving end of the negatives below, it is because you are failing to express the positive.

PROBLEM: Having people take advantage of you and your good nature.
SOLUTION: Use that big-assed truck of yours to let them know that you already let 3 cars cut in front of you and you’re not going to allow a 4th without doing some serious damage. Buy a gun. Get a tattoo. Consider riding a Harley on sunny days. Nothing is sexier than a hot blonde on a Harley.

PROBLEM: Having people getting "turned off" of you.
SOLUTION: Examine the kind of causes that you have been defending or pushing lately; stop hanging out with people who are still bitching about Al Gore and the “stolen” election.

PROBLEM: Having people getting "turned on" by a photo of you that you recently posted.
SOLUTION: Examine the kind of reactions that you’re getting instead of looking at the photo itself. You may not see yourself as others do. You are a hottie. Do not fear your hotness, embrace it.

PROBLEM: Homeless bums trying to steal money from you.
SOLUTION: Pepper spray does work. Just make sure yours hasn’t expired. It gets weaker with age. Maybe get a bottle of the stuff they recommend for Grizzlies.

PROBLEM: A Sand Hill Crane flies directly into the side of your truck, smashing your mirror and decapitating himself.
SOLUTION: Call the Peanut King. He will go look for your mirror, which fell off onto the side of the road. The Sand Hill Crane is dead so there is no solution to that. Eventually you’ll get a new mirror and blog about the whole thing. It will be really funny.


Some Famous Capricorns That Share Your Sign!

December 23, 1950 - Susan Lucci - Actress
December 24, 1905 - Ava Gardner - Actress
December 25, 1887 - Conrad Hilton - Hotel Empire
December 25, 1924 - Rod Serling - Writer
December 25, 1946 - Larry Csonka - Sports Figure
December 27, 1822 - Louis Pasteur - Scientist
December 27, 1901 - Marlene Dietrich - Actress
December 28, 1954 - Denzel Washington - Actor
December 30, 1865 - Rudyard Kipling - Writer
December 30, 1959 - Tracy Ullman – Actress December 31, 1937 - Anthony Hopkins - Actor
December 31, 1943 - John Denver - Singer
December 31, 1959 - Val Kilmer - Actor

January 3, 1892 - J.R. Tolkien - Writer January 3, 1932 - Dabney Coleman - Actor
January 3, 1950 - Victoria Principle - Actress
January 3, 1956 - Mel Gibson - Actor
January 4, 1643 - Isaac Newton - Scientist
January 8, 1935 - Elvis Presley – Musician
January 9, 1951 - Crystal Gayle - Singer
January 11, 1946 - Naomi Judd - Singer
January 12, 1951 - Kirstie Alley - Actress
January 12, 1954 - Howard Stern - Radio Host

January 14, 1941 - Faye Dunaway - Actress

January 14, 1412 - Joan of Arc - Saint
January 16, 1908 - Ethel Merman - Entertainer
January 17, 1899 - Al Capone - Gangster
January 17, 1933 - Shari Lewis - Puppeteer
January 17, 1931 - James Earl Jones - Actor
January 17, 1942 - Muhammad Ali - Boxer
January 17, 1944 - Joe Frazier - Boxer
January 18, 1892 - Oliver Hardy - Comedian
January 18, 1904 - Cary Grant - Actor
January 18, 1955 - Kevin Costner - Actor
January 19, 1809 - Edgar Allen Poe - Writer
January 19, 1943 - Janis Joplin - Singer
January 19, 1946 - Dolly Parton - Singer

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Bad Day At School

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Today is Friday the 13th

You have been warned!

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Cats and Dogs, Living Together

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100 bits of crap about me - 66 through 75

Here are another 10 bits of drivel about myself. 10 completely uninteresting and utterly useless pieces of information about a man who is neither successful, famous, powerful, or influential, and can in no way make any difference to you.

  1. Once when I was about 7 or 8 and sitting in the floor of my older brother’s room, he was showing me his new Daisy pump air pistol and talking about seeing the beautiful 24-year old Maria Polites topless in her backyard. At some point he decided it would be really hilarious to pump that pistol and shoot me. So he did. It hurt like a motherfucker. Then he pumped it up again like he was going to shoot me again and I threatened to tell our parents on him. He just laughed. As he did, he pointed the pistol straight up. Without meaning to he fired it into the ceiling. We heard a loud “crash” and glass came down on his head. He had shot out the light fixture. He made up this outrageous lie about how it had happened and told me to repeat it when Mom and Dad asked me. They never did ask me and I’m guessing that he told them I did it, which was not at all what we’d agreed on and certainly not true, but he did this to me a lot growing up. Hence, we are not very close today.

  2. I have been known to write so many things on my blog in a single day that I have to store most of them in draft and then release them one at a time just so people won’t totally skip over the previous posts. I have too much stuff going on in my head and none of it pays me a dime.

  3. My former guitar teacher, David Anderson, who was in the band Brother Kane, and my friend Lisa, sang on the soundtrack to ‘Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’

  4. My Wife told me that she knew the moment she loved me. She said it was when I let out a loud fart in front of her and just laughed. She told me it was because my farting meant I felt very comfortable around her. She also said it made her laugh very hard because I ran to the door and stuck my butt out into the hallway. I said, "most of the smell is still in my pants so I'll just fan it out here in the hall." This cracked her up more than anything.

  5. My former fiancée, who dumped me for a jackass named Ryan with a leather jacket and a Camaro, said the very same thing. I farted on Peter Jennings on the TV screen and she was instantly in love with me. I'm not kidding.

  6. I don’t think any men’s magazine has ever recommended farting in front of women to impress them, but based on my experiences they should.

  7. I was supposed to go to the police academy after graduation to become a cop and catch up with 2 friends of mine. By the time I got out of college I could make more money working in Computer Science than as a cop so I didn’t go. But my friends taught me a lot of the things they were learning in the academy and we went shooting together a lot. Today one of those friends is a Secret Service Agent and probably making 4 times what I make. Dammit.

  8. My Wife hates to roll her own socks so I do it for her every single time.

  9. My Wife hates to clean the tub so I do it for her. We always end up taking a bath together right afterwards so it’s pretty well worth it.

  10. Cooking: hers. Dishes: mine. Electrical: hers unless I can get it away from her. Plumbing: mine. Sinks: hers. Toilets and tubs: Mine. Tilling and Digging: mine. Gardening: hers. Fertilizing and pruning: mine. Litterbox: mine. Poop/Puke on carpet: mine. Car repairs: mine. Lots and lots of stuff I apparently don’t pay enough attention to: hers, but with occasional loud complaints.
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Why I No Longer Have A Job With Hallmark

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat.
When I looked at the tire...

I noticed your cat.
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don't fret about it...

She moved in with me.
Looking back over the years
that we've been together,
I can't help but wonder...

"What the hell was I thinking?"
Congratulations on your wedding day!

Too bad no one likes your husband.
How could two people as beautiful as you

Have such an ugly baby?
I've always wanted to have
Someone to hold,
someone to love.
After having met you ..

I've changed my mind.
I must admit, you brought religion into my life.

I never believed in Hell until I met you.
As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am...

That you're not here to ruin it for me.
Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go...

Would you like to take this knife out of my back?
You'll probably need it again.
Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!

(Available only in Tennessee, Kentucky & West Virginia)
Happy birthday! You look great for your age.

Almost lifelike!
When we were together,
you always said you'd die for me.

Now that we've broken up,
I think it's time you kept your promise.
We have been friends for a very long time ..

what do you say we stop?
I'm so miserable without you

it's almost like you're still here.
Congratulations on your new bundle of joy.

Did you ever find out who the father was?
Your friends and I wanted to do
something special for your birthday.

So we're having you put to sleep.
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Email from D. Bryan

Beth, D. Bryan, Crystal, Evan
all masked for no particular reason

D. Bryan just emailed me. Here is what he said:

If Evan tells you D. Bryan rolled his front yard last Sat in broad daylight - actually while his cross-the-street-neighbor was mowing his yard - don't believe it. I mean, I coulda. I was playing the piano in a wedding right off his street, so the close proximity would have been tempting. But I would have been wearing a suit, and it was like 80 degrees. No one would be that crazy would they? Who would do that? I can only think of one person besides me, and you weren't even in town. So who coulda done this?

OK, granted I did once drive all the way from Memphis to Alabama just so we could roll Evan's yard one night. And D. Bryan did bring a big bag of Helga-sized bras which we hung like Christmas ornaments from the branches. And I put a lovely poster of Britney Spears on the front door for a finishing touch. But not this time. I was no where near Evan's house.

Surely you can tell what he's really saying, right?

I need to start a fund, the "Buy D. Bryan a video camera" Fund, so that we can save these precious moments for future generations to watch and say, "Holy cow, is that Grandad throwing toilet paper up in that guy's trees? And in a suit? In broad daylight?"

D. Bryan - the only man Evan has ever considered to be truly funny.

Oh, and notice how the women in the photo have gathered around D. Bryan. There were other guys in this photo which I have cut out, but all the women went straight to him - as always.
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Turd in a Punch Bowl

Turd in a punch bowl
gleaming so invitingly.
Turd in a punch bowl
no wonder all this shit is free.

OK, this is one of those "pass the baton" things. No one passed it to me. I just flat out stole it from SillyNessa without her permission. Here is how it works, you have to take the 1st and 3rd line and use it, but the 2nd and 4th lines are entirely for you to create. I wrote the poem above. And here's another one just because I can't stop:

Turd in a punch bowl
floating proud like a ship at sea.
Turd in a punch bowl
I'll just have water, thank you very kindly.

So, I'm passing this baton to Stacy the Red Hot Peanut Queen, because I've never gotten to pass anything on to her before. And I'm passing it to Laura the Artful Copper, because she's creative as hell and should do really well.

Ta da!
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If I Could Be ...

Stacy the Red Hot Peanut Queen, passed this "If I Could Be..." thing on to me. And to quote her quote from Katya "the rules as I understand them are that I pick five things to be from the list and then write a bit about each one...then I add five things (if I can think any) and then pass the stick to some other people." So here I go ...

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an innkeeper...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama-rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be a service member...
If I could be a business owner...
If I could be an actor...
If I could be a rich girl...
If I could be a witch...
If I could be a racer...
If I could be an agent...
If I could be video game designer...
If I could be a comic book artist...
If I could be a hooker...
If I could be a porn star...
If I could be a taxi driver...
If I could be a priest...
If I could be a fighter pilot...
If I could be a homeless person...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a child again...
If I could be invincible...
If I could be a superhero...
If I could be a man/woman for the day...
If I could be a legendary fantasy figure or warrior...
If I could be a vampire...
If I could be an animal...
If I could be a radio talk show host...
If I could be a successful inventor...

And I'm adding mine, which are...

If I could be a dictator of large country ...
If I could be a supermodel ...
If I could be a billionaire ...
If I could be a Navy seal ...
If I could be a professional assassin ...

And my answers are....

If I could be a doctor ... I'd have a lot more money and I wouldn't have to work for large corporations that use my skills and then screw me over as soon as it's convenient for them. I could live in any city because everyone needs doctors and I could travel anywhere in the world for my vacations. My blog would be a lot grosser because I'd be posting nasty medical photos and stories instead of glamour shots of Jennifer Love Hewitt. But Stacy would still read it. She loves to hook pelicans and large fish while in the nude. And Laura would still read it. She plays with deer hearts. And my life would be good.

If I could be a missionary... I'd be the meanest, nastiest missionary anyone ever heard of. When the Marxist rebels came to stick their AK47s in my face and tell me to shut up about Jesus or die, I'd be waiting for them with grenades and an AK of my own. God may love the Marxists' souls, but I'm damned tired of them. Maybe it's good that I'm not a missionary. I'm way too cranky. A friend of mine from college is a missionary and I send money to support what he does, but I know I'd be a bad one. I'd be the baddest one ever. And God would be mad.

If I could be a writer ... I'd probably write stories about the crooks and the scumbags who dominate the politics and corporations in Western Tennessee, Northern Mississippi, and Eastern Arkansas. I'd make a big nasty stink and people would get nervous. I'd include Robbie, the psychotic bastard from the Giant Memphis Express Shipping Company in every story I could where I needed a character who was a complete narcissist. And the folks in New York and Hollywood would eat it up because they hate the South and love any negative depictions of life here. Even though I know most of the South isn't like this I'd still write it so long as they paid me well. And then, after living high and mighty in New York City and Malibu, California (and doing Jennifer Love Hewitt) I'd start writing different stories, stories about lives of good and interesting people like Stacy, Laura, Robin (all of the Robins), Tricia, Stephanie, Katya, Elisabeth, Vanessa, and everyone else I've met through the blog. These are regular people with interesting lives and I know I could make a damned fine story out of it all. Obviously I'd have to make some stuff up to connect everyone together, but I swear you guys are some of the wildest people I've ever met. You help me get through the bad days.

If I could be an actor... I'd most likely be stuck playing odd characters. I figure I'd be the guy the leading lady is dating when the "real" hero comes along, sort of like the musician guy in "Serendipity." I'd have to learn how to cry on camera and say "please don't leave me for Mel Gibson even thougth I'm totally bland and boring." If they wanted me to play a villian I'd just pretend I was one of the many narcissists, crooks, and rednecks I've met in Memphis. Or I'd be the odd guy, sitting at my desk mumbling about my stapler. I could just pretend to be one of the many unusual people I've met or known. And they wouldn't pay me much, but I'd get to meet big stars and one day write a tell-all book about it. Please return to "If I could be a writer."

If I could be a comic book artist...I'd have to do underground comics because I'm so politically incorrect. I'd give Spiderman a little gray hair, because you know this guy is in his 40s by now. And the women would probably be more realistic, which is only to say I'd insist on really superhot models to work with. I'd probably try to hire the woman at work who actually has the body of a comic book superwoman. She really should be a model. Maybe one day I'll tell her that. Yeah, and maybe one day I'll be a comic book artist.

And now, to pass this on to some lucky person. I want to pass it to Brighton/Tricia because her answers are always extremely interesting and I don't think anyone has passed it to her before. I also want to pass it to Laura because I don't think she's had it yet either and her answers always include something that makes me say, "WTF?!" Because you know the marine/cop in her contrasts so strongly with the mother and artist and it just cracks me up. You know, she arrested two of her kids the other day for a baby-powder bomb they exploded in the house.

Can I pass it to two people or should I count Officer Mom Laura and Brighton/Tricia as four people since they each have such dramatic contrasts in their lives that make them both so interesting? Come on, girls, let's see what you got!

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