Here are another 10 bits of drivel about myself. 10 completely uninteresting and utterly useless pieces of information about a man who is neither successful, famous, powerful, or influential, and can in no way make any difference to you.
- Once when I was about 7 or 8 and sitting in the floor of my older brother’s room, he was showing me his new Daisy pump air pistol and talking about seeing the beautiful 24-year old Maria Polites topless in her backyard. At some point he decided it would be really hilarious to pump that pistol and shoot me. So he did. It hurt like a motherfucker. Then he pumped it up again like he was going to shoot me again and I threatened to tell our parents on him. He just laughed. As he did, he pointed the pistol straight up. Without meaning to he fired it into the ceiling. We heard a loud “crash” and glass came down on his head. He had shot out the light fixture. He made up this outrageous lie about how it had happened and told me to repeat it when Mom and Dad asked me. They never did ask me and I’m guessing that he told them I did it, which was not at all what we’d agreed on and certainly not true, but he did this to me a lot growing up. Hence, we are not very close today.
- I have been known to write so many things on my blog in a single day that I have to store most of them in draft and then release them one at a time just so people won’t totally skip over the previous posts. I have too much stuff going on in my head and none of it pays me a dime.
- My former guitar teacher, David Anderson, who was in the band Brother Kane, and my friend Lisa, sang on the soundtrack to ‘Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen’
- My Wife told me that she knew the moment she loved me. She said it was when I let out a loud fart in front of her and just laughed. She told me it was because my farting meant I felt very comfortable around her. She also said it made her laugh very hard because I ran to the door and stuck my butt out into the hallway. I said, "most of the smell is still in my pants so I'll just fan it out here in the hall." This cracked her up more than anything.
- My former fiancée, who dumped me for a jackass named Ryan with a leather jacket and a Camaro, said the very same thing. I farted on Peter Jennings on the TV screen and she was instantly in love with me. I'm not kidding.
- I don’t think any men’s magazine has ever recommended farting in front of women to impress them, but based on my experiences they should.
- I was supposed to go to the police academy after graduation to become a cop and catch up with 2 friends of mine. By the time I got out of college I could make more money working in Computer Science than as a cop so I didn’t go. But my friends taught me a lot of the things they were learning in the academy and we went shooting together a lot. Today one of those friends is a Secret Service Agent and probably making 4 times what I make. Dammit.
- My Wife hates to roll her own socks so I do it for her every single time.
- My Wife hates to clean the tub so I do it for her. We always end up taking a bath together right afterwards so it’s pretty well worth it.
- Cooking: hers. Dishes: mine. Electrical: hers unless I can get it away from her. Plumbing: mine. Sinks: hers. Toilets and tubs: Mine. Tilling and Digging: mine. Gardening: hers. Fertilizing and pruning: mine. Litterbox: mine. Poop/Puke on carpet: mine. Car repairs: mine. Lots and lots of stuff I apparently don’t pay enough attention to: hers, but with occasional loud complaints.
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