- Even though I believe I have made it abundantly clear that I have issues with lesbian feminists I actually get along really well with Tammy Bruce, former president of the L.A. chapter of N.O.W. and openly lesbian feminist. I think it’s because we both appreciate the same raunchy email jokes. She’s a riot.
- My father was an engineer for the government during the cold war. He would never tell us what he did for a living. Every single year our allegedly communist schoolteachers would require us to write a report on what our fathers did. Everyone’s father was an engineer for the government and the teachers already knew this. Our fathers would only tell us kids that they were engineers, but never what specifically that meant. So every year everyone in class would report that their fathers drove a train. This made perfect sense to all of us because a train ran parallel to the Parkway and we all saw it every single day.
- My family is from Texas. Dad is from Minneola and Mom is from Houston. Dad ended up in the military, stationed in various odd places. My oldest sister was born in Japan. My next sister was born in Austin, the only lucky one of us to be a true Texan. Dad’s job moved them to Alabama and that's where the rest of us were born. But my parents always swore we'd move back to Austin one day. One Day is long over and none of us are back in Texas where we all think we belong.
- My Wife is the same height as SillyNessa and I am the same height as her husband.
- I have tinnitus, which is a permanent perpetual ringing in the ears. This condition is believed to eventually lead to insanity and my becoming a cereal killer. As yet, though, I have not killed any cereal, even while completely surrounded by them in the isles of the grocery store, despite their beady little cartoon eyes all staring at me and taunting me with that toy surprise that is somehow always gone by the time I get some. Oh, I’ve thought about it. Oh yes indeed I have. And one of these days that little Lucky Charms leprechaun is going to get his ass kicked by this ear-ringing crazy no-toy Irishman who might or might not be Jewish and most definitely did not find a computer fishing game inside his brand new box of Lucky-Fucking-Charms even though it clearly says on the box that it’s supposed to be in there!
- In my driving career I have run over a squirrel, a baby goose, a rabbit, and a cinderblock. Hint: don’t run over a cinderblock if you can help it. I couldn’t and I went up onto 2 wheels like something out of the Dukes of Hazzard. It didn’t do my car or my formerly clean underwear any good at all.
- I was a cheerleader in college after they cancelled the cross country and track programs for men. They gave me a full scholarship to act like a happy fool, do flips and handsprings, and pick up hot girls over my head. Sweet!
- I successfully dodged a kamikaze-squirrel every day on my way to high school for three weeks only to watch my neighbor's mom squash him flat without even noticing she'd done it.
- Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire both played AA ball in my hometown for years before moving up to the Oakland A’s (as did Jose's brother Ozzie.) They would both hit the ball way waaaay out of the stadium every night. We figured there were probably some steroids involved, but watching them crush that ball night after night we just didn’t care.
- I’ve never smoked crack and I don’t care, I’ve never smoked crack and I don’t care, I’ve never smoked crack and I don’t care, my dealer’s gone away!
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