More Thoughts About God

What if you believe in God, but God doesn’t believe in you? What can you do? Do you have a purpose or did God create you out of boredom?

In many churches they’re fond of saying that God loves everyone exactly the same, but the Bible says many times that God has people he loves a lot and people he doesn’t like at all. It even seems to indicate that he’s a god of “what have you done for me lately?” So where did we get this idea that he’ll love us no matter what? Is it just wishful thinking? Denial? Self-delusion? Or have I missed or forgotten something?

If God doesn’t like you is it possible to change his mind? How much money do you have to give before he decides to reconsider you? Or, if he is never-changing, is it simply hopeless?

According to the New Testament anyone who accepts Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior is forgiven of all their sins as soon as they ask it and their soul is saved, now permitted to spend eternity with God after they die. Is it conceivable that God would permit someone to spend eternity with him that he doesn’t even like? Are there going to be souls in Heaven that God hates and avoids - eternal social outcasts in Heaven, just like in high school?

When I was a little kid I remember sitting on the back porch with My Dad. He started talking about how there are some people that just can’t be loved. They are simply not loveable no matter what they do. Was he asking the same questions about God that I am now or did he mean me?

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I'm Too Sexy For My Shirt

... So Sexy, It Hurts
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Rock The Vote

I Got Your Hanging Chad Right Here
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Another Way of Saying "Classless" is "No Class"

Rowdy Crowd Ends Free Easter Dinner

(Low Class Memphis Trash Creates Riot)

MEMPHIS, Tenn. - A free Easter dinner for (the) poor ended abruptly when a crowd gathered for the meal got rowdy. "People were pushing in and yelling," said organizer Wendy Carter. "One woman (fat-assed bitch) was really out of control, and we called police."

The police advised Carter and her fellow volunteers to shut down the affair at Gus's World Famous Chicken in downtown Memphis (great place to eat.)

About 300 people had been served chicken dinner but scores more were waiting outside when police were called.

The dinner was arranged by the restaurant's owners and other volunteers who wanted to do something special for the less fortunate on Easter (good intentions gone bad.)

The affair was scheduled to run from 1 p.m. to 6 p.m. It ended about 2 p.m.

"We hate it that we weren't able to serve everyone ... but you have to think of safety first," Carter said (because some of those people were fuckin' crazy.)

Bruce Warr was in line when the feeding ended.

"They should have been able to accommodate those who were waiting," Warr said. "I've been standing in the rain, waiting patiently" (I didn't do nothin' but I don' get no food 'causa that stupid bitch.)

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10 Things About Me You Never Asked - Part I

In light of all the bloggers posting "100 things about" me, I'm offering my own version. I'm only posting 10 things at a time because I talk a lot and could take months to come up with 100 things. I hope I don't bore you. And I hope you never find out where my family lives because they don't need to know I'm telling all of this.

  1. My Dad’s father and mother ran a jewelry store in Mineola, Texas during WWII. Everyone in town said they seemed Jewish. They said that the Nazis would kill them if they won the war. To this day we aren’t sure if we’re actually Jewish or not because Grandpa and Grandma would never say, but we suspect we’re just Welsh with big noses and a mind for money.
  2. My Dad made more money in retirement “just for the heck of it” than he did in his entire career as an engineer working for the government. I have no idea what he did with it because he sure didn’t spend it on his house or his car. I think he gave most of it away to family.
  3. The entire time My Dad was investing his retirement money, which he eventually gave away, My Mom was bitching at him about it. She tried to get all of us to bitch at him, too, and make him stop. Maybe that’s why he gave the money away after he made it?
  4. My Dad drives a hearse he bought at a garage sale because “it was a great deal and can haul stuff.” He was supposed to be looking for a pickup truck.
  5. My Dad used to drive a blue Mazda RX3 station wagon that he got from me. It backfired every time you turned off the engine because of a design flaw. He thought it was hilarious. He liked to scare the hell out of people at the gas station with it. The backfire sounded exactly like a .38 caliber pistol firing 10 feet from your head. The canopy over the gas pumps made it sound even louder, creating an echo. Mazda created the world’s first 100,000 mile warranty because of the design flaw.
  6. When My Dad got the Mazda he had been used to driving Cadillacs. He said the windshield in the Mazda was too close and that it wasn’t safe. So he started wearing his old Harley motorcycle half-helmet when he drove the car. It made him look like a cop. People wouldn’t pass him in traffic on the highway even though he drove slow because of the helmet. He thought all the cars piled up behind him was annoying, but he still wore the helmet.
  7. My Dad wanted me to wear a helmet, too, because I had begun driving a 1973 Toyota Corolla, which I had bought from My Brother and fixed after he got it for free. I was in college at the time. It was hard enough to get a date at an engineering school while driving a beat up old Corolla and living at home without wearing a motorcycle helmet on top of everything else. We argued about that for a long time. I never wore my motorcycle helmet while driving the car, but I had a lot of fun telling my friends about it. They thought the whole thing was a riot.
  8. The Mazda My Dad drove actually came to him like this: I bought it from My Brother, who got it for free. I fixed it and drove it. My Mom came to me and wanted me to give it to My Oldest Sister because she was recently divorced and needed a better car than the one she had. My Mom gave me the same amount of money that I had paid My Brother for the car and gave it to My Oldest Sister for free. My Sister complained about the free car so My Dad gave her his beautiful 2-door Cadillac and took the Mazda for himself. My Sister and her kids tore up the Cadillac, which she didn’t seem to appreciate at all. Then she gave the Cadillac to My Brother to fix for her when it needed a tune-up. He tore the car up even more by drag racing it around town and then abandoned it in a major intersection when it defiantly quit on him. The Police notified My Sister that her car was impounded and she’d better come get it. She was mad at My Brother, not for tearing the car up, but because she had to pay money to get it back.
  9. My Brother later convinced My Dad to give him back the Mazda … for free. My Brother promptly blew it up by drag racing it on the Parkway and then abandoned it in the middle of a major intersection on the same street where he’d left My Sister’s Cadillac. This time he took the license plates off the car so The Police couldn’t find who owned it. Yeeeeee HAW!
  10. My Brother once sold me an old white Dodge Polara which he’d gotten for free. I drove it until I fixed my own car, a Monte Carlo, and then began driving the Monte Carlo again. Somehow My Brother convinced me to park the Polara over on the street in front of his house. Actually I think he convinced My Dad to make me do it since I was still at home while going to college. My Brother then apparently got stoned and painted curse words all over the car after his neighbor complained to the city for him having a non-running vehicle parked on his front lawn. The non-running vehicle was a friend’s 1974 Chevrolet Caprice that no one could figure out how to fix. When I told My Brother that he’d have to buy the car from me since he’d ruined the paint job with all the curse words he’d painted in black spray paint he seemed genuinely surprised. But even so he gave me the broken 1974 Chevrolet Caprice that belonged to someone else instead of paying me since he had no money. It took me 2 months to figure out what was wrong with that Caprice, but after that it was a great car.
  11. My Brother took my now custom-painted Dodge Polara and loaded it up with His Friends. They went out and played “Dukes of Hazzard” with it, driving at top speed down a motorcycle trail, jumping all the ramps and hitting trees and bushes. The car, just like the cars actually did in “the Dukes of Hazzard,” busted a front ball joint as a result of the idiot-jumping. So My Brother drove it home with the front wheel wobbling all the way. He parked it .. can you see this coming … on his front lawn (his wife’s dismantled Cutlass was parked in the backyard, on the back porch in fact.) Then he and his stoned friends took hammers and bats to the car and tried to smash it. It was tougher than they were. All they did was break a lot of glass. A friend of mine who was hotrodding an old Dodge Dart offered to pay My Brother $100 for the heads off the engine since the car was now ruined. My Brother refused to sell them to him because he didn’t want to do the work of taking the heads off. So My Friend offered to do all the work. My Brother still refused. My Friend, having seen what My Brother did to the perfectly good car, told me that My Brother was an idiot, as if I didn't know him already. My Brother later ended up junking the car and getting nothing for it except another ticket from the city for having a non-running vehicle on his front lawn.

OK, so it's 11 things. Consider the last one a bonus. I'm just generous like that.

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Happy Easter Sunday!

Yes, Jesus rose from the dead today and ruined all the carefully laid plans of several politicians and corrupt religious leaders.

OK, well not necessarily today exactly, but 3 days after they set him up and murdered him. Funny how to this day corrupt politicians and lawyers are still trying to silence this story. It tells so much about them and the way that they operate. Nothing has really changed in all this time.
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Trip to St. Louis

Wednesday I had to get on a plane to St. Louis for business reasons. And boy, was I excited. Not.

Getting on the plane in Memphis

I sat in the airport, all alone and carrying on all my luggage just to make sure it got there with me, until time to board. Once we boarded I found my airplane to be, effectively, a schoolbus with wings. Yes, Bluebird builds planes apparently.

Taking Off in the Magic Bus

During the flight they were kind enough to serve us water and pretzels. I conserved mine in case of famine.

Noah Feeds the Animals

After a long flight in which we all worried about sudden death from blood clots in our legs due to prolonged inactivity in a pressurized cabin we could at last see St. Louis down below. It took about 45 minutes to get there from Memphis. Wow, that was rough.

The Streets of East St. Louis

At the St. Louis airport I was fortunate enough to run into 2 other Giant Memphis Financial Corporation employees with whom I would be working. I skipped my rental car and rode with them. They dropped me at my hotel and we agreed on a time for them to pick me up in the morning.

At The Hotel
I Am So Bored.

The next day we set out for our destination, which was across the Mississippi river in Illinois.

Hey, Isn't That The Arch?

I think we passed the famous St. Louis arch, but I can't be sure. It went by in a hazy blur. The weather was horrible, sort of similar to Memphis' with the constant gray yuck. We didn't stop. We had no time. Traffic was intense.

Well, traffic was intense compared to some places. Not intense compared to Birmingham, Alabama, where any car that can't go at least 80 mph is considered a road block. But intense enough for a Memphis look-alike city considering we were following a lousy map and trying to find a tiny building in the middle of Butthole, Illinois.

Way off in the Distance Stands the World's Largest McDonald's

Once we reached our final destination we got right to work. I, having no laptop computer and no Blackberry to access email, stared at the walls quite a lot. But I did meet several important people with whom I would be working. I was as helpful as I could be whenever the need arose, which is good because that's what I was sent up there for.

After a full 8 hour day we were done. We discovered some glitches that will require a return trip, but for now we had done everything we set out to do and it was time to go back across the river to our hotels.

Drivers in St. Louis Are No Better Than Drivers in Memphis

Return Trip: Blowing By It Again

NCAA Basketball Tournament

Driving Really Fast

That night we went out to eat some famous St. Louis ribs. The restaurant had a million TVs all around and they were all tuned to basketball. Illinois was playing and beating the crap out of some poor team. Everyone in the place was cheering and screaming.

"What the hell do all these people care about Illinois?" I wondered to myself. Then I remembered where we were. "Oh. Well, I guess someone has to care about their team."

The ribs were great, but traveling and eating out packs on the fat pounds so once I got back to the hotel I went downstairs to the 'workout room,' which consisted of a glass-enclosed closet with 2 treadmills and a TV set, and I walked. The girl who works the nightshift, a pretty blond girl with blue eyes, came in and kicked everyone out of the pool. I could see this through the windows in the closet. She glanced at me briefly and smiled half-heartedly. I smiled back with a "I bet you get hit on a lot and really don't want me talking to you" kind of smile and kept walking and sweating. After I was satisfied that I would never walk far enough on the treadmill to make a difference I went back to my room and stared at the walls.

Are You Actually Hitting On Me In Front of Your Son?

And Then I Said To Her, I Said ...

The next day was simply the return trip to Memphis. My coworkers picked me up and we went straight to the airport.

Going Home

Leaving St. Louis

St. Louis - One Last Look

Little Boy, So Excited

Long Way Down

Back In Memphis - Chasing A FedEx Flight

At Last, Familiar Sights Down Below

Landing At FedEx International Airport

The House That FedEx Built

A Little More, A Little ... Oops, Crap! OK, Back It Up, Please.

Passing A Sleepy Goth Traveler As I Head Home At Last

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Stacy's Request - Sticky Questions

Well, I had planned to blog about St. Louis first thing, but since 'Hello' is all messed up and I can't post my photos I'll have to try to respond to Stacy's quiz about books. Keep in mind that it is 1:30 in the morning and I am dead from travelling. I am already falling over in this chair so I may pass out and not finish. Also, my bookshelves are so overfilled that I have books stuffed in front of other books on each shelf, causing the shelves to bend and warp and preventing me from seeing all the books I have that I want to read or have already read. And there are more under the bed and on the nightstand, but I can't go in there to get the exact titles from them because My Wife has to work tomorrow and is asleep. Imagine me trying to explain why I'm waking her up at this time of night just so I can see what books I've got under the bed and blog about them.

You are stuck inside Fahrenheit 451, which book do you want to be?
I don’t really understand this question. If you’re just asking what book I’d want to be … I can’t think of a book I’d want to be. Playboy magazine, maybe? No? Maybe The Kuma Sutra? Do you have any idea how long it's been since I read 'Fahrenheit 451?'

Have you ever had a crush on a fictional character?
Yes...Galadriel in "Lord of the Rings." Hey, it was the summer between 7th and 8th grade and I was in hell.

The last book you bought was?
Microsoft ADO.NET. If you find this exciting then you are an even bigger computer geek than me. I needed it for work, that’s all. No pleasure reading here.

The last book you read was?
Jay Leno’s autobiography. He’s a wild and crazy guy and I think he made some of that stuff up.

What are you currently Reading?
”Economics in One Lesson” by Henry Hazlitt, “The Tyranny of Good Intentions” by Paul Craig Roberts and Lawrence M. Stratton, several computer books, one of Peter Drucker’s big management books, and several other equally exciting titles. Hey, I didn’t say I’m speed-reading these. I may have been working on them bit by bit for a long time. I’m just saying I’m currently reading them. When they're fun titles I read them cover-to-cover in a weekend, so I wouldn't be able to blog about them as I'd be already done.

Five books you would take to a deserted island?
Well, that depends on whether I went there on purpose or was stuck there. Let’s say I went there on purpose, just because I can imagine I have a nice hut and hot bikini-wearing native girl to see if I need anything while I'm reading (seriously, if I were stranded on a deserted island I'd spend all my time hunting for food and trying to build a boat, not reading books. You'd probably end up eating the books or burning them for heat anyway.)

1. The Bible – you want something to make you think and take up some time? Fine. Read this and see if you can’t read it again and again and still find new things you missed before. And as you get older it changes even more, because you understand so much more about the world.

2. “The Hobbit” by Tolkien. I’d say all the Lord of the Rings books, but since they’re broken into 3 that would take up 3 choices. So I choose the first book.

3. The New Prince : Machiavelli Updated for the Twenty-First Century by Dick Morris because I plan to read it anyway.

4. The Art of War” by Niccolo Machiavelli, just in case I wanted to become king of the natives.

5. “Witness” by Whittaker Chambers. It upset all the right people so it must be important.

And now, without any rhyme or reason, I'm passing the stick to Retarius over in Asia, primarily because he posts his reviews of various books from time to time anyway.

Or can I pass it twice and also ask Brighton? There are some who say she's too smart for stripping, but when you hear the salary you realize she's just smart enough to be making way more money than you.

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"Hello" - is it a piece of shit?

Am I the only one having steadily increasing problems uploading photos using "Hello" or is everyone? For the past 2 or 3 weeks it's just been getting worse and worse. Today it won't function at all. I don't have time to waste on software that doesn't work so I removed it from my computer through Control Panel and reloaded it one more time. If it still doesn't work I guess I'll just take my blog to another site and say to hell with and Hello at the same time. I didn't just get off a plane to fight with crappy software.

Anyone else having issues with "Hello"???
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Blogging Out Of My Ass

Is feminism going to be the female supremacist hate movement or is it going to be about equal rights for both men and women? Or could it be a convoluted war between female supremacists, lesbian separatists, and women who think that simple equality is the only worthwhile goal, all under the same now meaningless descriptor of 'feminism'? Webster's Dictionary sure as hell doesn't seem to know.

On a side note, a steady stream of women, frustrated with the feminists' increasing willingness to embrace the fascist view of a "master gender" (female), have begun migrating into the men's rights movement and the father's rights movement, which apparently have maintained a strong commitment to the goal of basic equity of civil rights. More and more of these men's groups are being run by these former presidents of various chapters of N.O.W. and other women's groups. The men don't seem to care, but the feminist groups are embarrassed about it.

Are Christian Churches going to follow the example of Christ and the first Christians or are they just going to be a gathering place for people to dress up, pick up/get picked up, make business connections, hang out, socialize, and generally look and act no differently than the crowds at the local sports bar? Are they going to stand for something or are they a social club? Or could it be there is a war going on within their ranks to decide whether they truly believe or just want to "go along to get along" and maintain the status quo?

Did anyone else notice that the Confederate Flag used to be a meaningless symbol for rednecks everywhere right up until the Southeastern United States all voted Republican for the very first time? Suddenly there arose a movement declaring the flag of the South to be a symbol of racism, led by those same Democrats who formerly waved it proudly when they were the preferred party of the Yellow Dog Democrat South. Anybody else catch that?

Here's something from a few years ago. Make of it whatever you will. Way Back in The Day, Anita Bryant was the spokeswoman for Florida Orange Juice. She was also a Christian who never apologized for her faith or backed down about it. The Gay Political Machine was just getting revved up and decided to try its' newfound powers on her. So they began demanding of her, "do you think homosexuality is a sin?" She, being a Christian and thus required to follow the Bible, said that the Bible says homosexual sex is a sin, so that means it is since the definitions of what constitutes a sin come from the Bible, after all. The press didn't argue with her as to whether the Bible says this, but instead began a previously rehearsed emotional reaction of outrage and fainting. They then followed this with a demand to the Florida Orange Growers that she be fired for being a "fanatical religious bigot."

The Florida Orange Growers gave in to the demands of the Gay Political Machine and fired Anita. That winter a freak freeze hit Florida and the Florida orange trees froze solid. The following 2 years the very same thing happened, wiping out the Florida Orange Juice Industry's trees and forcing them to import all their orange juice from Brazil. Nothing like this had happened before in Florida, with freezes for 3 consecutive years.

Also immediately following the firing of Anita Bryant for defending her Christian faith, AIDS was identified for the first time. Doctors declared the need for a quarantine to stamp it out before it spread throughout the world and caused a murderous epidemic. The Gay Political Machine went into overdrive, refusing to permit the quarantine and labeling the doctors "homophobes."

Soon after they had defeated the doctors and the quarantine, the Gay Political Machine predicted that AIDS would kill half the world's population, insisting it was not mostly a gay problem, but a global problem equally threatening to all. The media picked up this claim, echoing it and insisting that hundreds of millions of heterosexual men and women would die from AIDS within a few short years.

This did not occur.

In the mid 1980's, immediately following the rise of the AIDS epidemic, the opportunistic Reverend Benny Hinn made a name for himself by declaring to a gathering of young followers that God himself had told him that all the homosexuals would die from AIDS by 1989. Reverend Hinn even sounded enthusiastic as he pronounced this prophesy of doom and damnation exclusively for homosexuals.

1989 came and went with most gay men and virtually all gay women remaining alive and well despite what Reverend Hinn insisted God had told him. The Reverend never slowed down, though, moving on to other topics about which he freely prophesied, wrongly almost every time. Meanwhile, the idea spread quietly here and there that perhaps, despite Benny Hinn being full of crap, God had sent AIDS as a punishment specifically for homosexuals. No one seemed to notice all the lesbians not being infected or affected. And apparently no one ever thought to ask if anyone could explain this apparently ungodly oversight.

So there you have it. A rapid mental dump in the midst of a stressful day in which I hardly have time to fart, let alone stop to write a really good blog with some jokes in it. Sorry about that. Tomorrow I'm flying to St. Louis. I won't be able to blog until I get back Friday night.

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Sheep Marriage

Fri Mar 18, 2:43 PM ET

By Tinuola Awopetu, Court TV

(Court TV) — Terry Patterson's sheep can sleep easily at night again.

Suspecting that his livestock were the subject of unwanted nighttime attention, Patterson decided to install a surveillance system in his barn. In the early hours of March 8, the Pennsylvania farmer's suspicions proved correct when he caught Bruce Englar having sex with one of the animals.

Lt. Mark Bentzel of the Northern York County Regional Police department said that when Patterson's alarm system went off, the man first called police and then went to check on his animals. The farmer peered into his window and saw Englar, 53, engaged in intercourse.

Patterson yelled at the intruder to stop what he was doing. A police officer patrolling nearby heard the commotion and arrested Englar.

According to the newspaper The York Daily Record, the officer reportedly found twine in the suspect's back pocket. Englar had allegedly used portions of the rope to tie down the animal before engaging in the sexual act.

Englar denied any wrongdoing and instead told police that he was just petting the sheep, the report said.

He was charged with burglary, trespassing, criminal attempt of sexual intercourse with an animal, and possession of instruments of a crime. He was released on $10,000 bond from the York Court Prison.

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Alleged Beauty Queen Acquitted of Murdering Boyfriend

Wed Mar 16, 7:42 PM ET

By Chris O'Connell, Court TV (edited by Memphis Steve)

SAVANNAH (Court TV) — A Georgia jury acquitted an alleged former 'beauty' queen of murder in the fatal sexual shooting of her boyfriend outside the home of another woman, as predicted.

AP Photo Photo
AP Photo

The nine women and three spineless men arrived at their verdict after eight and a half hours of deliberations at the Chatham County Courthouse in downtown Savannah.

Sharron "Killer" Redmond, Miss Savannah 2003 and a high-school teacher, would have faced life in prison without parole if she had been convicted of murder and aggravated assault.

But because her victim was male and because she intended to shoot him in the groin in a clearly sexual attack the jury decided "you can't hold a woman accountable" and let her go.

Parents of her high school students were concerned. "What's to stop her from shooting my son" asked a father who wished to remain anonymous.

The high school's principal, Hubulinda Lakita, said she isn't really concerned about the situation.

"She was acquitted and it don't matter anyhow," Lakita said, "because he probably deserved it. You don't never mess with a mad black woman and she was mad. He should have known better than to be around when she was mad like that. She already smacked him around enough times, you'd think he'd know."

The National Organization for Womyn was quoted as saying, "This is how our justice system was meant to work. When a woman kills a man all women everywhere are free of one less oppressor. The more cases there are like this the more women realize that they can do anything they damned well please to a man and get away with it. That's they way it should be."

No men's organizations were interviewed for this story.

Following the acquittal of the former Miss Savannah, shooting has been added as a new talent category for all future Miss Savannah contests.

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When Emails Attack - Run for Your Lives!

Someone inadvertently sent out a corporate-wide email which was not intended for everyone.

Someone then responded by hitting 'reply all' and said, "I don't know why I received this. My name is not in the list and I don't think it was meant for me."

'Reply all' means the entire company not only received the erroneous email, but also this response. OK, no big deal. Yet.

But then another rocket scientist decided that they should pipe in as well and let the entire company know that they, too, received the email and do not think they should have. This was immediately followed by 4 more just like it.

Someone then reply-alled "stop replying to this email."

Then another 50 emails came pouring out, all corporate-wide, saying "why did I get this email? I don't think I should have gotten it."

In the midst of all this comes the random "I'm in Luxembourg and I don't know why I got this." Thank you for telling us where you are. This is so very exciting and helpful.

Then another "stop replying to these stupid emails. They are filling up everyone's inbox!"

Do you see where this is going? No? OK, 400 emails later I am still getting these "I don't know why I was sent this" emails, interspersed with "you idiots! stop replying!"

It's like an episode of the 3 Stooges, except with an enormous crowd of stooges from all over the country. And it's still going. No sooner do I delete all the emails then 5 more dump into my inbox. Whee. This is going to continue all day long, like a bad rash that just keeps spreading.

Oh, and just to add to the ongoing excitement, now people are trying to recall their messages. This sends out another email telling everyone in the company that "employee X" wishes to recall their message.

Yes, I'll bet they do. 'Reply-all'ing to the entire company about how you don't understand why you got a corporate-wide message because you are in Butthole, New Jersey makes you look pretty foolish. I'm sure our President, CEO, CIO, and CFO are as thrilled to be receiving these emails as I am. Performance reviews are coming up soon. I'm guessing having your name in the list of individuals who reply-alled to this will reduce your score a bit.
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Dog Marriage

BRUSSELS (Reuters) - A Belgian man on trial for having sex with dogs claims he did it out of compassion for man's best friend, a Belgian paper said on Friday.

Daily Gazet Van Antwerpen said the 36-year old in the eastern Belgian town of Genk told the court he had sex with dogs "out of love for animals," since a lot of them can't have sex, especially those locked up in refuges.

The man, only identified by his initials, could face six months in jail if convicted.

He had worked in an animal refuge before and had also posted thousands of pictures on the Internet of himself having sex with dogs, the paper said.

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Happy St. Patrick's Day!
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Wifeism VIII - It's so quiet that ...

From an email My Wife just sent to me:

"It’s so quiet at this moment that you could hear a chicken fart from 2 miles away."

That'd be one hell of a chicken!
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Just Blatantly Stolen - Jokes Etc

Honey, I'm home. Why is the window open?

My father says, "Marry a girl who has the same belief as the family."

I said, "Dad, why would I marry a girl who thinks I'm a schmuck?"
---Adam Sandler

As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business.

Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church where she had always attended as a child.

In the confessional, Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips.

Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena's acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other, "Will you jus' look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin' out this night, and me without me bloomers on!

Now that they are retired, my mother and father are discussing all aspects of their future. "What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house-sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Then Mom asked Dad, "What will you do if I die first?"

He replied, "Probably the same thing."

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Blah Blah Blah Blog

This is going to be one of those days

I hurt my knee in soccer 2 weekends ago and I'm beginning to get very worried about just how hurt it really is. I've had 2 knee surgeries already. I have no interest in a third. The first one alone seemed to age me about 10 years. I think I'm about 90 now after 2 of them and a sinus surgery. The Memphis air and Redneck Town water doesn't help, either.

I awoke several times last night. This morning when my alarm went off I awoke with a terrible headache which I'm still carrying with me now. Since I felt bad, but needed to go to work anyway I decided to leave the cats in. I know this doesn't make any sense. But that's what I did. Somewhere in some alternate universe there is a logical connection.

I don't know why one article in the AP about Gay Marriage inspired me to write 2 long blogs. I usually try to ignore the crap, but sometimes when something is going on, like a favored story is bumped to the top of the list, or like the other day when Forbes published an article commenting that women in the U.S. are making more than men and then just as suddenly they pulled it, this sort of thing gets my attention.

My Female Coworker keeps coming into my cube and peeking around at whatever is on my computer screen. What difference does it make what is on my computer screen? Do you think I'm downloading porn here? Stop peeking over my shoulder. When I want to show someone what is on my screen I'll turn it so they can see. Stop standing behind me. I positioned my computer like this so I can face whomever is in my cube, not have to twist my head like Linda Blair to see them while we talk.

Gas is up and the stock market is down. It just sucks every way you look at it.
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Tampon Bandit!

Oh, that's just sick!

My Wife just emailed me. This is what she said:

"There is a used tampon cartridge in with the toilet paper and used napkin thrown on the floor in toilet paper. There are places for those things. Tacky! What is wrong with people? That’s so nasty and dirty and totally unsanitary. Are we not old enough to know better? Yuck!"

And now it is beginning to rain outside and my cats are both out. This is such a lovely day. Yes, it truly is. Because I am inside and there are no used tampon cartridges in the floor of the men's bathroom. All we normally get are the peed on seats and unflushed toilets.

Ah, Memphis.
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Enough About Politics
Now Back To Your Regularly Scheduled Blogging
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Gay Marriage - part II

Among my gay friends I know of not one who plans to be married once gay marriage becomes law. And yes, I am predicting that it will become law.

Among the gay men I know, none are interested. Among the gay women, I know of none who have indicated to me that they plan to be married, but they support the change in the law to give them this option if they should ever feel like exercising it. Basically, 'I don't plan on doing it, but I like having the option.'

Among almost everyone I know at work the positions are these:

Among the average, non-radicals they say, 'I really don't see how this matters anyway. I don't see how this could hurt me personally, so who cares? Let them have it.'

Among the pro-socialist, pro-Democrat, self-described "Progressives" they say, 'The Christians are against it so I am for it.'

And this seems to be about as deep as it gets for most people on this issue. 'I don't see how it will affect me so ...'

With the Democrats, the self-professed 'Progressives,' they took the side of Gay Marriage as soon as they realized that the Christians would be against it. Anything to make the Christians unhappy they will support and fight for. It doesn't matter what it is.

Among the Christians, once they see Charles Schumer or Ted Turner or any other prominent antiChrister standing in support of something, they tend to be against it. Even if they haven't had time to think about it yet, they generally consider it a safe bet that being on the other side of certain people is the right place to be about 99% of the time.

Among Christians who have thought about it they cannot avoid the fact that the Bible defines marriage clearly, and describes it as a sacred institution in the eyes of God. They have no choice but to oppose this change.

Most people aren't thinking about this issue in-depth. And relying on the general media for much-needed information isn't paying off. The media is 99% Democrats and thus 99% in support of Gay Marriage. Anything that makes it any harder to get this passed will not be discussed or presented to the People.

Worse even than that is the Republican Party. Yes, the Republican Party. The Republican voters are mostly against changing the definition of marriage, regardless of who the change is for. It is not, as the proponents claim, motivated by hatred of homosexuals. But the Republican politicians, the House, the Senate, the Governors around the country, are divided down the middle.

In order to win a majority, the Republican Party signed a deal with the Devil, so to speak. They recruited Democrats who lost the nomination to be their party's candidate for office. These Democrats weren't going to get to run, so they accepted the Republicans' offer to switch parties. The Republicans took the position that in those races they weren't going to win anyway, so why not grab a moderately popular Democrat and run him or her as a Republican? If they won the race it would count in the Republicans' favor, and could lead to a majority in the House or Senate. Ultimately, it has lead to a majority in both, but in name only.

Most of these 'converts' from the Democratic Party still vote along Democratic party lines most of the time. When the Defense of Marriage Act is proposed by the Republican voters, many Republicans in Congress mysteriously turn up absent. Others vote against it outright. Yes, the majority of Republican voters support it, but their representatives do not. It hardly matters how much money and support Jerry Falwell or any other grass-roots leader attempts to raise to promote this Constitutional Amendment because the political party they are relying on to push it through is not committed to it by any means.

Gay Marriage will become law. Most likely it will be created out of thin air by the Supreme Court after several other Federal Courts similarly pulled this 'right' out of the air, either claiming it is discrimination (it isn't) or that Europe passed it and so we have no choice (we do.) It isn't a right, but federal judges like getting attention and being invited to the upper class parties. Most of the best upper class parties (think Paris Hilton) are thrown by wealthy socialist Democrats. Oppose them and your social life goes straight to hell. (Sandra Day O'Connor, among others, is quite aware of this.)

The average homosexual person is well educated and has a much higher income than the average American, or average person throughout the world. They are less than 3 percent of the general population, but they are wealthy and influential. Their situation is nothing like the black people who fought for various civil rights in the 1960's, but their political strategists find it useful to portray them as such in order to win support. They dominate the Media and thus have access to all the resources they could possibly need in order to push a pet issue.

Gay Marriage will become law. Afterwards, the ACLU may argue that marriage as a whole is a religious institution and demand that it be banned altogether. The American People, once the definition of marriage and family has been stretched and contorted to an unrecognizable form, will half-heartedly oppose the ACLU. The Democrats will support the ban on marriage. The Republicans will make speeches in support of marriage, but when the time comes to stand and be counted they will not stand.

In the end marriage will end as a legal institution in America and Europe and be viewed simply as a novelty without significant meaning. The birthrate will continue to drop. Women will be more reluctant to become mothers. Men will be more reluctant to be fathers. The East will continue to rise. The West will continue to decline, increasingly blaming Christians, Orthodox Jews, and white males, as their socialist political leaders' promises lead deeper and deeper into abject failure.

This is my opinion and this is my prediction.
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Gay Marriage

"A judge ruled Monday that California's ban on gay marriage is unconstitutional, saying the state could no longer justify limiting marriage to a man and a woman." - Associated Press 03/14/05

This argument has been framed, for political purposes, as a civil rights issue. The argument is that a group of American citizens are being discriminated against, that they are being prohibited from doing something that all other American citizens are permitted to do.

This argument is false.

Any man, whether he enjoys sex with women, men, dogs, or electronic devices, is legally permitted to marry any woman,
whether she enjoys sex with men, women, dogs, or electronic devices. The man must be 18 years of age of older. Likewise, the woman must be 18 years of age or older. It is a legal contract that, if honored by both parties, benefits society as a whole.

How does it benefit society as a whole? A family is defined, not as a man and woman, or a man and his dog, or a woman and her cats, but as a father, mother, and the children they produce. The assumption is that a married man and woman will produce children and then, by virtue of being bound together for life, they will raise these children together. The children will then grow up to become adult members of this same society. Without this function being served the society as a whole will cease to exist, falling apart year over year, as the population plunges and the few resulting children are raised in chaotic, unstructured and unsupervised environments.

The arguments surrounding gay marriage are in no way connected to marriage. They are political smoke-screens. All adult citizens, without regard to race, religion, sex or national origin, in fact, without regard to sexual preference, are permitted to marry. But they must marry one, and only one, member of the opposite sex. Each and every citizen is equally limited under this constraint. Marriage makes no mention of whom the two marriage partners prefer to have sex with.

The political circus-masters respond to this by arguing that homosexuals are discriminated against because "they are not permitted to marry the one they love." But there is nothing about love in the laws surrounding marriage. The idea that a marriage is simply about two people loving each other is wrong. It is an ideal, and a Western ideal at that. There is nothing in the marital contract about love, which can come and go and come again over time. Love is a feeling. Marriage is a commitment enforced by law, a contract.

In the 1970s Americans accepted the argument that it is better for a marriage to be dissolved if either party ceases to love the other than for them to remain together with one or both persons now unhappy. Conservative critics argued that this change in the marital contract would devastate the American family. 'Progressives' argued that it would not hurt the family or society and that divorce would not increase as a result of this change in the view of marriage and family.

Divorce skyrocketed.

The Progressives responded by simply changing the definition of family to mean virtually anything, or virtually nothing, depending on point of view.

With the skyrocketing divorce rate came a new problem: broken homes - large numbers of children with only one parent who were neglected and virtually raising themselves. Crime skyrocketed shortly after the definitions of marriage and family were changed to suit the socialist views of the Progressives.

The Progressives blamed the rise in juvenile crime on guns, which they tried to ban. Then they attacked anyone who dared to use the term 'broken home,' calling them bigots.

Conservatives began blaming the rise in juvenile crime on the fathers who had been divorced and alienated from their families. Over 75% of all divorces were being filed by the woman of the family. Over 98% of all custody disputes were settled in favor of the woman, effectively removing the father from the family by court order.

Conservatives and 'Progressives' alike agreed that the solution to these newly created problems was to begin taking as much money as possible from the absent fathers and transferring it by force to the divorcing mother. An entire court system, which answers to no higher power, was established to handle this growing and highly lucrative caseload. It was ironically named 'the family court.'

Now, having successfully convinced the American People to redefine marriage and family to mean virtually anything, and to remove all legal enforcement of the marriage contract, the Progressives are once again seeking to redefine this vital unit of society.

The argument is not whether citizens who prefer to engage in homosexual sexual relations have the same rights to marriage as those who prefer heterosexual relations. They already do. This is indisputable. The argument is whether the American People can be either convinced or forced to permit another redefinition of marriage and family and accept whatever consequences result.

I am of the opinion that the American People will be forced to accept this despite each and every state voicing majority opposition to it. The consequences will be substantial. And as it becomes increasingly apparent how severe the consequences are, anyone who dares to point out that all of the changes to the definition of marriage and family are responsible for these consequences will simply be attacked. The Progressives will not permit any reversal of their mistakes.

Those who like to describe themselves as 'Progressives' are people who believe themselves to be both intellectually as well as morally superior to everyone else. They believe that their views will lead to a better tomorrow. They are highly intolerant of any other view, regarding disagreement as a personal attack. Unfortunately, they are also people who never look back, never learn one single useful lesson from history other than how to manipulate the common people into submission. Never do they admit their mistakes. Never do the words "I was wrong" escape from their mouths. They loudly proclaim their disdain for religion, yet religiously embrace a faith in their own supreme infallibility and godlike superiority. They charge unbelievers with heresy and excommunicate them from their universities, newspapers, and public schools.

The Founding Fathers, the inventors of our civil rights, were not Progressives. They were white, heterosexual, male Christians. Their views are not tolerated or understood by the self-proclaimed 'civil rights activists' who embrace the religious and political views of The Progressives. This is why so much of what they do in the name of civil rights ultimately relies on the destruction of those same civil rights. We, The People, are simply in their way and so must have our rights destroyed for the lesser good. The end result is the loss of all our freedom.

The end result of this particular religious crusade shall be the total loss of marriage and family. It will render the concept meaningless and the law will cease to acknowledge it at all, as endless lawsuits are filed demanding that any conceivable variation be legally recognized.

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Nice Car ... er .. Van
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Don't You Do It!

He do'd it.

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Another Friday Blog

I've been trying to get time to work on this VBScript assignment that was never given to me. While I was talking to The Coworker in the Cube Across From Me about a meeting for The Secure Image Application that I was not told about, The Beautiful Fantasy Art-Looking Woman came by. She has been up all night working on problems and is wired on coffee. She was bouncing off the walls. It was so entertaining to see her jumping around in those high-heeled boots and jeans, I just can't tell you. She makes me feel happy just looking at her.

I asked her if she knew anything about VBScript and she said, "What? Are you kidding?" We were in VB class together, but VB is only marginally similar to VBScript. What she meant was, "if you don't then why would you think I do?"

Anyway, My Previously Bitter and Now Apathetic and Discouraged Female Coworker came by occasionally to see how my work on the program was coming along. She bought 2 books on VBScript today, one of which I already have and the other of which isn't much help. We talked some about things. She seemed to feel that I was talking too loudly about my very strong feeling that I am just being set up for layoff by having all of my reponsibilities handed to others with me listed as 'backup' only. She was concerned that the Big Boss' secretary overhears and then calls him up to tattle.

Perhaps this is why My Discouraged Coworker whispers so much? Ah, I have found a piece of the puzzle!

The thing is, I already talked to him about my successfully completed project, as well as my desire to do more. He listened, but didn't offer much at the time. I don't think my current lack of responsibilities and resulting unhappiness is going to cause him to jump up and find me something important to be in charge of. I could be wrong, but that's my opinion anyway.

In the meantime, I get to work this Saturday night until ....? And again next weekend, from Saturday night until ... ? The Unix Admins and the Network guys are rerouting part of the system and I have to shut down some applications beforehand. This isn't expected to be joyous fun, but at least I'm doing something.
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Loonies On the Path - part XII - Cordova Crazy

Yesterday while driving to work I encountered a stream of mentally challenged drivers, all in Cordova, as usual. From here on out I will simply refer to them, not so much as "fucking assholes without a brain" but rather in the more scientific term, "Cordova Crazy." That would be "cordovus insanitus" in Latin.

The first victim stricken with Cordova Crazy Syndrome was a man in a big Lincoln Town Car who appeared to be driving in the right-hand lane on Walnut. Just as I was coming up past him in the left-hand lane he apparently decided that he didn't want to allow anyone to get by him, even in a different lane, so he swerved over and positioned himself in the middle of both lanes at once. He simply stayed this way, perhaps feeling more comfortable with all the extra room it afforded him. I, as I have said several times previously, don't give a fuck if you hit me. So I squeezed on by anyway. We didn't trade any paint samples so, as they say in upper-level judicial circles, "no harm no foul."

Once I had passed on by he did not move over into the left-hand lane the rest of the way, as you might have expected, being rational and thinking that perhaps he was simply changing lanes and didn't see me. No, once I had passed him he slowly allowed his car to sort of fall back into the right-hand lane as before and continued on his crazy way.

Hey, odd things happen in traffic sometimes, you know, and especially in Cordova, which I had just entered as this occurred. So I didn't think too much about it.

I crossed over to Trinity, which is a massive 5 lanes wide, and went on my way again. As I approached the neighborhood of Lesbian Elvis, a woman in a large SUV pulled out in front of me. I slowed down, as I had no other choice, and we continued on. She then moved into the right-hand lane, leaving me free to pass. But as she approached a parking lot entrance for a grocery store she hit her brakes, moved into both lanes at the same time, and came to a near stop before turning, all without signaling, of course. I nearly removed the paint from the entire driver's side of her SUV as she swerved into me, but managed to avoid doing so by virtue of the smallness of my minitruck.

"Hmm, 2 Cordova Crazies doing the exact same thing in a row. Isn't that odd," I thought to myself.

After crossing Germantown Road there is a point at which Trinity splits, with the left-hand lane continuing onward and the right-hand lane swerving into a commercial park. The man in the car in front of me, having apparently contracted the Cordova Crazy Virus, decided NOT to decide which way he wanted to go. He simply positioned his car ... can you see this coming .... he positioned his car in both lanes at the same time and kept driving. I, having made a preliminary diagnosis of his mental condition based on the 2 previous experiences, decided to hang back rather than pass in the hopes that I might see if he crashed dead on into the barrier located between the diverging lanes.

Alas, he did not. He waited until the last possible second, and why I do not know because no one was in his way on either side, and then he jerked violently into the left-hand lane in front of me. He was not talking on a cell phone and did not appear to have been distracted from the road in any way. It just appeared that he was screwing around for no special reason.

On the drive home, having safely exited Cordova and entered into My Little Redneck Town, I mistakenly thought I was safe from the Cordova Crazies. But as I turned onto a 3-lane road (1 lane West-bound, 2 lanes East-bound) that merges into a 2-lane road (where I was sideswiped by a white Chevy van) a woman driving a huge white Ford Expedition SUV in front of me and driving all of 35 mph suddenly swerved into both of the East-bound lanes and continued driving in this fashion. She had 2 wheels in the center of the left lane, and 2 in the center of the right lane. She remained this way until the 2 East-bound lanes converged into 1, about a mile down the road. Yes, one whole mile.

Now, I might surmise from her behavior that she is actually from Cordova and thus clearly afflicted with Cordova Crazy Syndrome. Or, and this is a distinct possibility, she might live in My Redneck Town and simply be afflicted with the far more common Redneck Stupid (redneckitus stupidiotus.)

Either way, I will continue to be on the look-out for other cases of these afflictions and record my findings here, as always.
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The Blogger's Gone To Hell

The Blogger's Gone To Hell
The Blogger's Gone To Hell
Hi Ho The Dairy-O
The Blogger's Gone To Hell
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Ugly Shooter
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Miss Savannah 2003

Miss Savannah Georgia of 2003 is currently on trial for shooting and killing her boyfriend. Already the claims that she is "the real victim" have come out.

"GASP - NO! Already? That's so soon!"

Yes, already. Her very unimaginative lawyer is claiming that the shooter is the "real" victim.

Here is all the crap I've heard about it so far. Sharron Nicole Redmond, Miss Savannah 2003, found out that her boyfriend had another girlfriend besides her, so she went to the other girl's house with a gun to "straighten things out." The girl she intended to kill apparently called the boy and he came over, too. Nicole then pulled out the gun and tried to shoot her boyfriend in the groin. As so often happens in shootings directed at the groin, although oddly never on TV or in the movies, she ended up killing him when the bullet severed a major artery.

Now, besides the obvious observation that shooting a man in the genitals is a sex crime and should be charged as such in addition to the murder charge, I would like to say one other thing:

She is damned ugly for a "beauty" queen.

Yes, seriously. She is ugly. If she is the best that Savannah has to offer then I would hate to see the other contestants. Her face is clearly not a compelling advertisement for Savannah tourism, because looking at her I would never feel the slightest desire to visit good old Savannah, Georgia. And of course, the fact that she is a violent sex offender and murderer on top of being physically unattractive doesn't help Savannah one bit.

So having said that, here is what I think will happen:

She will get away with claiming she is the "real" victim. She will not only get off easy, but Lifetime will make a movie about her "ordeal" and portray her as a poor defenseless abuse victim who found the courage, somehow, to fight back. The other woman, whose ass she had intended to pound mercilessly into the ground with a stream of bullets, will be portrayed as a trusting victim of an evil, deceitful man who probably intended to rape her or something until stopped by the heroic and now beautiful (because she will be played by Julia Roberts in black-face) Miss Savannah.

Oprah will have her on her TV show.

People Magazine will name her one of the year's 'Most Beautiful People' for 2005.

The Enquirer will tell us all about her epic battle with bulimia.

Jet Magazine will do a story in which they will comment on the special 'plight' of black women.

Ice Cube will make fun of her in his next movie. The Hollywood Leftists will scream and have a fit when his movie, with plenty of jokes at the expense of the Ugly Savannah Shooter, is a big hit. He will refuse to apologize to Jesse Jackson and the NAACP for it, something no black man is ever permitted to do for fear of being excommunicated from the Church of the Black Victim. The movie will sell twice as many DVDs after Jesse Jackson and the NAACP criticize it.

BET will try to give the Ugly Savannah Shooter her own talk show. It will bomb. No one will even notice.

And then some other violent, angry woman will shoot her man in the groin and kill him. And the news will shift to her, leaving the Ugly Savannah Shooter alone in the darkness right back where she started.

And just about this time the sister of the man she shot and killed will hunt her down and kill her ugly Miss Savannah 2003 ass.
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Freeware Ain't Free

What the hell does it mean to you when something is listed as 'Freeware?' Does it mean, this software is not available until you buy it? Or does it mean, this software is free to download and use as you please?

I am wrestling with a VBScript file that gives me a totally meaningless error. I can't find anything in the one and only book in the entire building about VBScript (yes, it's mine, by the way) so I need something a little less cryptic than the Japanese message box that pops up complaining about a letter 'b' on line 151, and by the way, there is no letter 'b' on line 151.

Not being the sort to surrender to any damned code problem I Google for shareware, freeware, whateverware to edit and debug VBScript code. I find several. All have prices next to them. WTF? This isn't CompUSA. I Googled 'shareware' and 'freeware' and went to the freeware website for .. you can guess this one ... FREEWARE.

I find one site that offers a debugger for free. It even says next to it 'download and use FREE.' I download it and install it. When I bring it up and try to use it then it says 'disabled until registered.'

And how do you register? You guessed it, you BUY it. So, it isn't freeware at all. I highly doubt this company is going to toss me a corporate Visa card so I can register some freeware to debug a VBScript file for them, and unless they do I'm just Shit Out Of Luck, 'cause freeware ain't free no more.
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Ode To The Garbage Man - By Memphis Steve

I wanna be a garbage man, garbage man, garbage man

I wanna be your garbage man
ride on the truck
as fast as I can

'Cause the garbage man is the life for me
Ride in the air, open and free

I wanna be your garbage man
sort through your shit
steal some of it

I wanna be a garbage man, garbage man, garbage man

I wanna be your garbage man
work in the rain
smash up your can

The garbage life, that's what I need
wear dirty clothes, stink like old pee
No one to tell me to clean up my act
Yep, that's the fact,
So then that's what I'll be

I wanna be a garbage man, garbage man, garbage man

So if you see me riding the truck
wave me 'hello'
wish me good luck

then go away

I wanna be your garbage man
sort through your shit
steal some of it
work in the rain
smash up your can

Garbage man ain't got nothin' to say
so just go away
Leave me to play

with your trash.

(sung to the tune of ...
to the tune of ...
La la la la la la la la la ...
Oh hell, just figure it out)

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