Friday night My Wife wanted to go shopping. She has been working long hours lately and wanted to get out. Apparently when women want to 'get out' they want to shop. So we went to Kohl's, which has become her new favorite store.
While we were there she picked out a pair of green and purple pajamas with a bunny on them. She thought they were cute. I thought they looked exactly like The Joker's costume in the old Batman TV series.
"What do you think," My Wife asked me as she held them up to her body.
"You're The Joker," I replied.
She smiled, apparently pleased with my assessment and held onto them. Next we moved on to blankets.
Oh boy, blankets. Isn't this exciting?
While we were in the blankets section My Wife smiled an evil smile at me. Then a small, quiet tooting sound came out of her ass. "Tee hee! I farted," My Wife confessed.
"Yes, you did," I agreed.
It was about this time that I became aware of an old lady who seemed to be constantly around, not really shopping and not seeming to have any real purpose. She clearly worked for the store and was simply following us around, never asking if we needed any help and always underfoot.
"That old lady is following us, as if we were going to start shoving crystal vases down our pants and sprint for the door," I said to My Wife as I motioned to the old lady, now 2 isles away and still not shopping.
"I know," My Wife replied. "Isn't it annoying?"
All through the store we went, with Old Yeller following us around the entire time. My Wife would look at all the junk in the isle, fart, giggle, and move on to the next section. The Old Lady just kept on following us.
When we finally reached the section with the crystal vases we were supposed to shove into our pants and escape, My Wife became excited over some dishes. The Old Bag was just over in the next isle, apparently peeing on something to mark her territory. I really don't know what she was doing besides spying on us and pissing us off.
Becoming excited was a bad thing for My Wife, seeing as she had The Farts and all. It caused her to launch another deadly attack of poison gas, this one so potent that it drove My Wife out of the dishes isle entirely as she covered her face and exclaimed, "Eeewwwww."
I remained behind, having no detectible sense of smell, and watched the Old Stalker Lady, now coughing and blinded by the giant cloud of gas that engulfed her.
Having ruined that corner of the store, My Wife moved rapidly to the other end, looking at flower pots shaped like bumble bees and even picking out two to buy. The Old Stalker Lady didn't follow us.
I think My Wife may have killed her with that last fart.
Finally My Wife was satisfied that she had shopped enough. Actually, it was nearly 9 o'clock and 'Monk' was coming on TV at 9, so we had to get home.
Also, My Wife needed to poop. Big surprise there, eh?
We went to the check-out where she bought the green and purple pajamas and the bumble bee flower pots. Amazingly, we didn't steal a single thing. Then we went home.
Once we were at home and My Wife had successfully completed her poop, she put on the pajamas. "What do you think," she asked me.
"I still think you look like The Joker," I replied.
"What? I thought you meant that I was funny," she said, now finally comprehending my words.
So now she's taking the green and purple pajamas back. And I'm willing to bet that when she gets to the store that nosy old lady will recognize her instantly.
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