Either it's the height of narcissism or it's a way of letting passing potential readers know who I am better, in case they might want to stick around. Either way, it's tailor-made for a blog. So here it is. 50 things about me:
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, I was named after all of those old people who were named long before me. Rumor has it that I got the name that was supposed to go to the kid next to me in the baby display area, but there was some mix-up and he ended up named Cleophus Opie instead. He still stalks me sometimes. Get over it, dude.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Um ... I think it was when I read that Jessica Biel is doing a nude scene in her next movie. I really can't remember for sure. But then again, that's what tequila is for, isn't it?
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I am a computer geek. There is only one thing computer geeks still do by hand and it isn't writing.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Jessica Biel with just a sliver of Jenny McCarthy
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
Not until the paternity test proves otherwise, biatch.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
It would depend on whether this other person I suddenly was is a dick or not. Maybe the old me wouldn't want to be friends with the new obnoxious me, did you ever think of that? Yeah, look at that. I just rejected me before I could reject me first. Or something.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
No, of course not. Only mental midgets use sarcasm. Well, mental midgets and highly intelligent people who don't feel like arguing with pinheads who don't know what the hell they're talking about. Yeah, you're so awesome. You should run for the Senate, Mr. Franken. You have some great ideas there. And such charisma, too. Ha ha. No, I really mean that.
8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Last time I checked I did, yes. Why, did you need to borrow them?
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
I'd rather skydive. It lasts longer and gives you time for the urine to evaporate before anyone notices your little 'accident'.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Ted Bundy is probably my favorite. He was so suave and cool. Most of them are ugly nutjobs, but he could have been on American Idol. Wait, you spelled 'serial' wrong.
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
You can't untie 3" pumps. This has nothing to do with me, of course, but it remains true. Anyway, as for my own shoes, yes, I do untie them before taking them off and placing them neatly in the closet while singing "Won't you please - please won't you be - my neighbor?"
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Rocky Road with Chocolate Mint thrown in for maximum fattage, all smeared across Shannon Elizabeth's naked body.
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
The first thing I notice is whether they're a Victoria's Secret supermodel with hardly any clothes on or not. This sort of thing is important to me, you know.
15. RED OR PINK?
What, like I'm your gynecologist or something? Oh fine, hop up on the table.
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
I didn't major in gynecology when I had the chance, dammit.
17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST?
My cat, Stinky. He moves really fast and I always have been pretty wild with my sidearm fastballs. I hit him some of the time, though.
18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Yes, and also send me money. Who do you mean by 'everyone' exactly? Are we including Hollywood celebrities in that? I'd like Jessica Biel to come sit on my lap and complete this list using my computer while I give her a full body massage, that's what I'd like.
19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
Is this for Jessica Biel's restraining order or something? Why do you want to know that specifically?
21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
Some jackass beating on ductwork with a hammer over my head. What the hell are they doing up there?!
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Envy Green, 'cause that guy who used to be married to Shannon Elizabeth is way uglier than me and still he got some of that ass.
23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Napalm in the morning, fresh crisp money, woman sweat, and cinnamon rolls
24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
Jessica Biel's attorney. Apparently it WAS for her restraining order. I told them my name is "Fingers" and I live in Sydney. I think they bought it.
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Nude Supermodel Ultimate Fighting
27. HAIR COLOR?
Same brown as always, but with some gray (thanks 'University of We No Speak English But We Do Good Research')
28. EYE COLOR?
Brown, but I'm thinking of dying them blond
29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, but I have several on LinkedIn
30. FAVORITE FOOD?
31. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS?
Violent world destroying hopeless Gothic films with way too much CGI effects and Kate Beckinsale naked.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Mary Poppins Does Dallas
33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Again with the tricks for that restraining order, eh? Just ask Jessica to look out her bedroom window and see for herself. I'm not that hard to spot.
34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Summer on the beach in the Great Barrier Reef
35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Kinda depends on whether we're talking about a Heidi Klum type or more of a Ben Roethlisberger type, you know? Heidi can kiss me, but if you're a guy, or Queen Latifah, just shake my hand please.
37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
Ai Dunn No
38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
Um, something or other about how Leftists manipulate language to influence how people think and something else which my wife insists I should read called "One to get ready" or something like that (Stephanie Plum - sound familiar?) Oh, and also a book by the guy that created Vanguard, John Bogle or something like that.
40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Ain't no mouse pad, honkey! It's be called a 'crib' now.
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
30 Rock, the Travel channel, and then Girls Next Door. Only one of them has real boobs, you know.
42. FAVORITE SOUND(S)?
I don't want to tell you because it's naughty and I'm not the one making it at the time. If Jessica Biel will open the door and let me in she can demonstrate it for you and me both.
43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Stones. I grew up in a Beatles household and one day discovered that I had missed a lot of good Stones music. Also good? AC/DC
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
Whatever that island in the Caribbean is that's farthest out there. Grenada? I can't remember. Or maybe Toronto, Ontario is farther away. Anyway, once I go to Australia there won't be any more confusion about this.
45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, writing for no money. I seem to be really good at the not getting paid for anything that I write thing. Also pretty good at the not getting published thing, which goes along with the not getting paid.
46 WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital delivery room on a cold table containing my momma.
47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING BACK?
The person whose answers come with money attached.
48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
Well, we were both being booked at the same time and she said to me, "hey baby, you need a date?"
49. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?
Diet Caffeine-free Captain Morgan, light on the Coke
50. TARGET OR WALMART?
Target. Too many relatives shop at Walmart and might find me if I go there.
Ta daaaaaa! I'm all done now. Come wipe me.
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