10 Things to Ponder

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which
one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut save you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.


We know exactly where one cow with mad-cow-disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

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They Call Me Rooster

This is Rooster. His actual name is Denley, but he won't answer to it. When I first met him he introduced himself to me by saying, "I'm Rooster," with strong emphasis on the 'roo' part, so that it sounds like ROO-sta.

I may be beating Rooster's ass tonight.

Now, I know some of you have been concerned and emailing to ask what's wrong, but let me assure you, this has nothing to do with any of that. I'm not mad at Rooster, not yet anyway. I just talked to My Wife on the phone. She said Rooster is running in and out of his house, cursing and screaming at anyone and everyone he sees. In the past he has shot at peoples' wives with a BB rifle and nearly been beaten up for it already. He blew his mind out with drugs years and years ago. He's just a little bit crazy.

As you might imagine, Rooster scares My Wife just a little bit. You can't predict what he'll do. And if he has come after My Wife by the time I get home, or if he comes after me when I pull into my driveway, I'm going to teach him to either respect me and my property or fear me for the pain I can and will inflict upon him. There is some Irish deep inside of me and by God I'm not afraid to use it.

We'll just see how this goes. I'm about to head towards home. Rooster will be there, as always.

UPDATE: Rooster wasn't there. And his mother, yes, his mother, wasn't home either. There was a roadblock on my way home and I couldn't get through, so I called My Wife. She said there was a helicopter flying overhead and a murder on the news. A man, his wife, and 2 of their kids were found dead in their home. Another child is at the police station and they won't say if that child is being charged or simply has nowhere to go.

But Rooster is gone and I'm home eating pizza.

So nevermind.
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Oh no, it's the Hamburglar! Call the cops!

"I live in Sacrimentie ..."

Where did you say?

Let me know if you have any trouble with the link. This is just too funny.
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Not My Home

Since everyone is posting songs that relate to their moods I'll join in. Here's one from me:

UNCLE CRACKER - In A Little While

Here's to the good life or so they say
All those parties and games that all those people play
They tell me this is the place to be
All these beautiful people and nothin' to see

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around


In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you
In a little while I'll still be here without you
You never gave me a reason to doubt you
In a little while I'll be thinkin' about you baby...I'll be thinkin' about you baby

On the other side of a coin
There's a face there's a memory somewhere that I can't erase
And there's a place that I find someday
But sometimes I feel like it's slippin' away

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around


Some things are lost some left behind
Some things are better left for someone else to find
Maybe in time I can finally see
I just wonder, wonder if you think about me

Sometimes I feel like something is gone here
Something is wrong here, I don't belong here
Sometimes I feel like a stranger in town
And I've lost what I found, it'll all turn around

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Dream a Little Dream ... of Steve

More weird dreams. Yesterday on the radio they mentioned that Steven Seagall has moved to Memphis. Why he would do this I haven't a clue. Maybe he's looking for some low-class motherfuckers to pound on? Who can say?

So anyway, last night I had a dream. I was, apparently, a guard at the Shelby County Prison. And Mr. Seagall, now living in Memphis, had been arrested and thrown in jail for God knows what reason. He was in a cell with about 20 other inmates and they were, as you would expect, testing his TV fighting skills. He was not doing well. 2 guys in particular were giving him hell and with one of them his techniques were not working.

Most of the guys in the cell were just leaning against the wall and cheering, but the main 2 who were taking him on were going at him like mad.

He took one guy out and he didn't get up, but the other guy was all over him. He tried some moves, but there was no room and the guy wasn't bad himself, so he got out of them. Mr. Seagall started to go down. I turned and walked away.

I don't know why I dreamed about this. It wasn't a bad dream, but it wasn't a good dream. It was just weird. I don't want to be a guard at Shelby County. I know a guy who is a guard there and he's not exactly thrilled to be working there himself. And why dream about Steven Seagall being in there? Maybe it's a premonition? Maybe I'm psychic and having withdrawal from missing "Medium" on TV or something? Who can say?
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Maaco in Memphis - we suck, we lie, we're right at home in Memphis

Some time ago the local White Trash fucks, the Midnight Mechanics who go by such names as Jeremy and Eric and Norm and such, decided that I shouldn't have a car cover. So to tell me how they felt they stabbed the roof of my car during the night. It did extensive damage, but probably not as much as they had intended.

I took the car to Maaco in Memphis. Yes, the one off Mt. Moriah with the huge, shiny building right across the street from Abra. The roof of the car is generic GM white, the cheapest color paint you can buy. The quote was $400 with minor bodywork, and $900 if they pulled the back glass and repaired any rust found there.

I left the car with them with very detailed instructions of the bodywork I wanted done and how much I would pay to have it done. Later, I called to check on my car. The bodyman said he decided NOT to do the bodywork. He did NOT pull the back glass. So they ONLY painted the roof white.

Have you got that? They only painted the roof of the car white, which was quoted at $400 tops. They did no bodywork and they did not even paint the whole car. Guess how much they charged me?


After arguing with the woman who runs the place that they were fucking me and getting nowhere I complained to the Better Business Bureau. She refused to admit that she was fucking me even though I had their own documentation to prove that they were fucking me.

After I called the Better Business Bureau and complained, MaacoWoman called my house to yell at me for calling the Better Business Bureau on her.

Yes, that's right. The woman who fucked me out of $900 for a $400 job called my house to complain that I had complained after she had "allegedly" ripped me off.

So, Fuck Maaco. They suck. Fuck Memphis' Maaco most of all. In my opinion they lied to me and ripped me off and never made the slightest effort to resolve the dispute because apparently this is how they operate.
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Loonies in the Hall - Elevator Etiquette II

OK, here is a new one which I must confess to having never encountered before. I am waiting for the elevator. It arrives and a woman gets off. Before I can get on Mr. Shithead, who is already on the elevator, stretches across the elevator from the back wall and hits the button to shut the doors. I have to bash my way through the closing doors. And then I pin him to the back wall with my opinions of what he just did. I think he had an unpleasant ride up those 3 floors. I know I enjoyed it less than I otherwise would have, but seeing as I was not on the receiving end of a verbal butt-reaming I think he probably had a worse time than me.

So, for future reference, when riding on the elevator always make sure no one is trying to get on before you hit the button to close the doors. Otherwise, I may jump down your throat and rip you a new one.

This has been a public service brought to you by Nude Memphis Steve. Nude Memphis - because we're not all just black racists and white trash motherfuckers living here.
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Winter in July

Smart Kids

It is hovering around 97 degrees here and with the humidity we have a heat index of 112. I went to the gym last night. When it's really hot like this I don't bother trying to powerlift. I just drop the weight and raise the number of reps and sets. I had a decent workout. Afterwards, I was tired. I showered and went to bed. No time for the computer.

That night I had a dream. I worked for a grocery corporation. Our office didn't have traditional cubicals. No, instead we worked in an area set up as a working grocery story. My desk was in the dairy isle. It was cold in the dairy isle, as you might expect. My boss was lecturing me about stealing from the company. Apparently I had been reaching into the refrigerator behind me each morning and stealing a single egg to eat for breakfast.

He finished his lecture and said he needed to go smoke. I got my coat and went with him.

I don't smoke, but almost everyone I ever worked with does, so I end up at the smoking court a lot.

We went out to the smoking area, which was on a covered back patio much as it is where I work in real life. Behind the office was a large field bordered by pine and fur trees. The grass was yellowish-brown. The sky was gray.

Now in Memphis we have plenty of pine, but there are no large fur trees. I don't know when I ever went somewhere that I saw large fur trees.

While my boss was lighting up I looked out and saw that it had just started to snow. Then the snow turned to ice. Just then my Maine Coon cat came up and started to rub around my ankles before walking off. I went after him, having decided to bring him inside. Being a Maine Coon, my cat loves the snow. He didn't want to come in. I had to follow him around to the front of the building to catch up with him.

The front of the building was the front yard of my parents' house. Some car I didn't recognize was in the driveway and across the street was my best friend's house, just like always. Both of my cats were in the driveway. I had to pick up the Maine Coon, who fought with me, because he hates being picked up and didn't want to go inside. My boss picked up my other cat and we headed inside out of the ice and snow.

Then I woke up.

My pillow was soaked. Not my sheets or my blankets or my mattress, but just the pillow. It wasn't even hot inside the house. But apparently my head was sweating? WTF?!

It was almost time to get up, but not quite. I flipped my pillow and went back to sleep, wondering how it could be so hot outside and yet I was dreaming about the dead of winter and snow.
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A Better Day?

Hopefully today will go better than yesterday. The heat is downright nasty and people in traffic are showing clear signs of its' effects. My Little Whitetrash Town is not a safe place to be when it gets this hot. The local Klanboys get their panties all in a wad and start ramming people, places, and things with their monster trucks. Little kids riding their bikes down the streets glare at you as you drive past because they expect you to try to kill them, as the whitetrash boys do it so often. It's so lucky that their mommas and daddies are the local cops and firemen because otherwise they might actually be charged for their crimes. Heaven forbid the local Hitler Youth ever be held accountable for anything. They might be forced to change their ways and what a loss that would be to the traditions that make My Little WhiteTrash Town what it is today.

Yesterday was a flurry of problems at work. Today I have received an email about a problem that I have never heard of. I don't even know what the email is referring to. I guess I'd better start asking around. But first, I need some coffee.
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God Awful Monday

Pulled in different directions

It's a God awful Monday. I just got back in town and I'm dead tired. First thing this morning I had 3 different applications contacting me in every possible way about problems they are having. Of course everyone is a priority one. Everyone except me, that is. I put in an emergency help desk request last Monday and they still have not fixed my problem. So this prevents me from having access to my applications. Do you see how this might be a problem? 3 different applications having problems and me not being able to access them would seem to be a real priority to me, but apparently not to them. I think I'll email a VP and see if I'm right or not.

Oh, and before I forget to mention this, it is 98 degrees here with a heat index of 112. Yippee! I think I'll go jogging during lunch.
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Weekend Get Together and Stock Turds

I have to leave town today. I have a huge get-together with a bunch of old friends from high school back in Rocketown. I expect to be mildly out of control tonight and much more so Saturday night. Then again, out of control for me means I might blurt out something no one in their right mind would normally say. And the thing is, I do that all the time anyway.

So if you don't hear from me all weekend, I'm not ignoring you. I'm just out.

Oh, and on the subject of stocks and investing, back around 1998 or 99 I bought, against my own advice and better judgement, a little bit of stock in a company that everyone thought was ingenius called Verisign. Well, for the past year or two I've had a STOP order on this turd in case it fell any further than it already had. I wish to God I had done this 5 years ago, but I didn't even know about how to do it. So today I got an automated email that it sold due to falling further and deeper into the toilet. I just lost around $1900, which isn't as much as it could have been, but considering I didn't buy all that much of it, it is a loss of about 80%. Losing 80% is bad.
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Prostate Cancer Research and Advocacy Lag

I found this in my drafts. I don't know why I left it there, unfinished and never posted. Anyway, I'm not leaving it again. Here it is.

Sun Mar 27, 8:42 AM ET


ORLANDO, Fla. - It's the most common major cancer in America, even though it affects only one sex. Lifetime odds of getting it are 1 in 6. Testing for it is controversial, and treating it robs many of a body part that's important to their sexuality. This isn't breast cancer, a disease tattooed into the American psyche. It is its male counterpart, prostate cancer, which has made a much fainter mark.

Prostate cancer (news - web sites) gets a fraction of what is spent on breast cancer research, and virtually nothing is known about what causes it.

It is the only cancer that doctors debate not just how to treat but whether they should at all. Nine out of 10 men don't need treatment but the rest will die, and there's no good way to tell them apart. It also kills at a higher rate than breast cancer. Nearly 32 men out of 100,000 will die of prostate cancer; 27 women out of 100,000 die of breast cancer.

Advocacy has been weak. Men don't like to wear little blue ribbons, and the field has suffered from lack of support.

Consider Dr. Ernie Bodai's situation. The California surgeon got a special postage stamp that has raised a whopping $50 million to fight breast cancer, a disease he cuts out of dozens of women's bodies each year. But he's been unable to win a similar stamp for his own cancer.

"The prostate cancer community is 10 years behind the breast groups in terms of being acknowledged and coming forward," he lamented.

Now, many are trying to catch up.

More than a thousand specialists, from surgeons to radiologists to dietitians, met in Orlando recently for a first-of-its-kind conference similar to the breast cancer symposium that's been held in Texas for 27 years.

"As San Antonio is to breast cancer, we want this to be for prostate cancer," said Dr. Eric Small of the University of California in San Francisco, who organized the meeting with several big cancer organizations.

What emerged from the three-day conference was a clearer picture of this murky disease and new insights into preventing, detecting and treating it. Among them:

_The immune system might be more effectively harnessed to fight this cancer than many other types. Doctors reported the first success using this approach.

_Smoking has less of an effect on prostate cancer risk than other cancers.

_Obesity affects the odds of dying from the disease more than the odds of getting it.

_Diet may play a key role. More is known about how specific nutrients affect the risk of prostate cancer than any other cancer type. Diet might even help explain why blacks have double the rate of the disease than whites.

_Treatments are improving. New techniques are minimizing surgery's side effects, and newer ways of giving radiation are allowing higher doses and better control of the disease.

_Use of the PSA blood test is being refined. Studies are evaluating whether a rising score means more than the score itself, and other ways to fine-tune interpretation. Other potentially better biomarkers for prostate cancer also are being studied.

_Doctors are starting to prescribe finasteride for some men at high risk of the disease after a big study found the drug could prevent prostate cancer, much as tamoxifen prevents breast cancer. The study was notable not just for its outcome, but also because 18,000 men took part, after years of studies begging for participants.

"This was a real question in the 1990s: If you gave a party, would the men show up?" said Dr. Howard Parnes, director of cancer prevention at the National Cancer Institute (news - web sites), which funded the study.

"Only one patient with prostate cancer is entered into a clinical trial for every four patients with breast cancer. That's our biggest challenge," Small said.

More than 232,000 American men are expected to be diagnosed this year with cancer of the prostate, a walnut-shaped gland beneath the base of the penis that makes seminal fluid. About 30,000 will die of it. Worldwide, 680,000 cases and 221,000 deaths are projected — figures that seem low primarily because in many poor countries men don't live long enough to develop it.

Cases climbed dramatically in the United States in 1988 and 1989 with the advent of the PSA blood test, which measures a protein the prostate makes when it's inflamed. The test is controversial because PSA can be high for many reasons, and there's no proof that screening saves lives.

In most men, prostate cancer grows so slowly that it will never threaten their lives. Treatment often leads to problems having sex or controlling the bladder, so finding a way to distinguish which tumors can safely be left alone is the field's top priority.

"We need to know who those people are so they can be spared unnecessary treatment," said Dr. Philip Kantoff, a prostate specialist at the Dana-Farber Cancer Institute in Boston.

It would help to know what causes the disease. It regresses when men are given drugs to block testosterone, yet the incidence of the disease rises as men age, when levels of the male hormone diminish.

"We still don't understand it to the degree we do any other cancer," said Dr. Durado Brooks, who heads prostate cancer research for the American Cancer Society (news - web sites).

Two genes have been implicated, and both are linked to inflammation, said Dr. William Nelson of Johns Hopkins University. Chronic inflammation or infection may set the stage, and a carcinogen, like smoking, may finish the job.

Scientists have done elaborate studies on carcinogens, like those generated by cooking meat at high heat. One even examined whether flipping burgers once or multiple times made a difference. The bottom line: Charring meat isn't good.

Diet is emerging as a possible way to prevent the disease. June Chan, a dietitian at the University of California in San Francisco, summarized studies on risk.

Bad: diets high in fat, red meat, dairy products and calcium.

Good: fish, soy, vegetables like broccoli and Brussels sprouts, and cooked tomato products rich in lycopene. Diet may be especially important in later life; a Harvard study found that most of the benefit of lycopene was in men 70 and older.

"This is the only cancer that I'm familiar with where we have this sort of micronutrient information," Brooks said.

Can diet prevent prostate cancer?

"The short answer to that is 'probably yes,'" said Dr. Meir Stampfer, chief of epidemiology at Harvard Medical School (news - web sites), where the possible benefit of selenium was first seen in studies in the 1980s.

"It's taken 25 years to get a randomized trial off the ground," he complained.

Michael Milken wants to help change the situation. The former Wall Street junk bond king founded the Prostate Cancer Foundation after his diagnosis in 1993.

"There was very little support for prostate cancer research," with the National Cancer Institute spending a mere $37 million, Milken said at the Orlando meeting, which his foundation helped sponsor.

A decade later, federal spending had risen to $390 million, but trailed breast cancer's $699 million. The pattern is the same at the American Cancer Society, which made 175 grants totaling $98 million this year for breast cancer, and 63 worth $36 million for prostate.

Milken's foundation says it has raised more than $230 million in roughly a decade and provided funding to more than 1,200 researchers around the world.

It's also trying to bring celebrity power to the disease. Bob Dole, Rudy Giuliani, Colin Powell (news - web sites) and John Kerry (news - web sites) have talked about having prostate cancer, but more voices are needed, said Leslie Michelson, the foundation's chief executive.

The National Basketball Association recently started airing "Act Like a Man" commercials to foster awareness. Fortune magazine is donating $750,000 and has made prostate cancer its charity of the year. New York and California have started income tax checkoffs for donations to research.

A more subtle sign is the box that recently landed on Thomas Kirk's desk in Chicago. Inside were hundreds of pale blue wristbands like the yellow Lance Armstrong ones that have become must-haves of fund-raisers and fashion. Kirk said the prostate cancer support group he heads, Us TOO, has learned a lot from Y-ME, the breast cancer group led by his wife, Margaret Kirk.

Advocacy "is part of our mission. It's not one of the ones we're strongest in," he admitted.

The prostate foundation also is working on a lapel pin it hopes men will be willing to wear, shaped like a blue necktie instead of a ribbon.

"We're starting to beat the drums, to get a voice for this important cause," Michelson said.


On the Net:

Prostate Cancer Research Institute: www.pcri.org

Prostate Cancer Foundation: www.prostatecancerfoundation.org

American Cancer Society: www.cancer.org

National Cancer Institute: www.cancer.gov

Support group: www.ustoo.com

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Hurry Up and Wait Emergency and Harrah's

Continuing the Michael Jackson Week theme

OK, so Monday I moved my computer upstairs. I had a network problem and could not do any work because of it. I called the help desk and told them I had an emergency situation. They said they reported it as an emergency situation and that someone would be right up. Today is Wednesday. I just got a note that they were up here this morning (and what day is this?) and couldn't find me. Yeah, that's because I'm in another building working on a serious issue. I fixed the damn computer myself while waiting for them. Since they let me wait 3 days for an "emergency" fix I think I'll take my sweet time in calling them back.

It's busy today. I have lots and lots to do. Updating you on my financial misteps, I mean, investments, I'll tell you I just invested somewhat heavily in Harrah's (symbol: HET). I was pretty excited about EA Games for a long time and was going to invest in them, but I heard a lot of buzz around them and started to worry that maybe there were too many people in that stall hyping the price. I don't hear anyone talking about Harrah's, but it has performed every bit as well as EA Games over the past 5 years. More importantly, Harrahs has a local IT headquarters which gives me access to some inside information on who is in charge, what people think of them, and what the general attitude is with the employees. They are moving and shaking and all seemed to feel good about the company and its' future, so I'm jumping on board, in stock terms at least.

Yes, I realize that most people couldn't care less about my investments, but since I blog about it from time to time for my own documentation purposes I thought I'd go ahead and mention this. If Harrah's does me wrong then maybe I'll give up and crawl back to mutual funds, but I really think, based on what I've seen and read, that they are solid. You never know, though. We'll see if this ship sinks or sails.
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Loonies in the Hall - Idiots and Elevators

What is so hard about elevators? The little doors open, people get off, other people get on, the doors close again, the elevator moves. This is very simple, right?


Elevators are clearly too complex for certain people. And by certain people I don't have a specific group in mind here because I repeatedly encounter elevator-morons of all races, sexes, nationalities, and even sexual preferences.

And by morons I mean the mentally challenged who try to otherwise appear normal, possessing a driver's license and the right to vote, but not really deserving of either.

Here is an example of an elevator moron taken from a situation that happened to me in Birmingham, Alabama. I am on the elevator going down to the ground floor. When I get to the ground floor, the doors open and Mr. Fuckhead, with a rolling rack loaded up with his luggage, immediately pushes the luggage carrier into the elevator and slams me into the back wall, never once looking inside the elevator to see if anyone is on it and trying to get off before he enters.

"Hey shithead, why don't you look inside the elevator before you shove your shit in my face, you redneck, motherfucking sack of elephant shit?!"

Yes, this is what I said, or rather a slightly more polite variation of this.

"Hey, watch it."

Here is the apparent Mental Puzzle that so few are able to solve: Elevators take passengers both up and down, so just because it comes to your floor and the doors open, that does not mean you can just leap in and shut the doors. There is a distinct possibility, even a probability, that someone else is in the elevator already and planning to get off at the floor you are currently on. Just because you don't want to be on that floor doesn't mean no one else does.

See how hard this is? What a puzzler! Some mental giants can't comprehend this and will actually get mad at you for being in their way as you try to get off the elevator and they try to get on.

Let's think about this for a moment, shall we? You are currently on the elevator. That means you are in possession of it. That means you had it first. If you want to be as much of an ass as the people who try to shove in without letting you off you could prevent them from ever getting on. After all, you possess it and they want it. You could just block the doorway until the doors close and leave the motherfuckers stranded. You can always come back to that floor later, but they are stuck waiting. It's your right. You can just ride it up and down all the livelong day if you want to.

But most people, it seems, think that the right-of-way, if you can call it that, belongs to the person who wants to get on. Judging from the many fuckwads who ram their fat butts inside the very instant the doors open wide enough to fit their enormous hips between you would think the person wanting to get on not only has the right-of-way, but perhaps even owns the entire fucking building where the elevator is located.

So, as my public service for today, this week, perhaps even this entire month, I'm going to explain the rules of elevator etiquette. The person already on the elevator has the right to exit before the fuckhead wanting to get on the elevator has any right to enter. Do not enter the elevator until everyone trying to get off has done so.

Yes, I know. Some elevators are not set up properly and the doors shut almost instantly behind the people getting off. Should this be the case, you have the right to kick the shit out of the elevator doors after they have shut and dent them. The building maintentance people, once they see the many new dents and shoe marks on the shiny elevator doors, are obligated to recognize this as the universal sign of a fucked up elevator and make the necessary adjustments.

Also, if you want to wedge various objects between the doors as they are slamming to prevent them from closing all the way, just be sure to catch the center door and push it back. This is a signal to the elevator itself to open the doors. Do not stick anything between the outer part, the metal part, as having something slammed between it signals nothing except pain to the person getting slammed.

Beware: some elevators are poorly maintained and do not respond properly to the sensor for the doors. But in these elevators, should you ram yourself between before the occupants are able to get off, you may find yourself stuck between the doors just long enough for them to slam on you from either side, compressing your shoulders and causing you to make a funny, squeaky, "eep" noise. This will result in all the people you are blocking inside the elevator laughing at you.

Better to be polite, use the elevator right, and let those inside get off first before entering. Otherwise, I may blog about your big, fat, stupid ass trying to ram into me like a fighting bull in Pamplona, Spain, you ignorant shitface.
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OK, so I'm still in class and don't have much access to my blog right now. And I've been transferred into a new team at work which necessitated my moving from the first floor to the third floor. And I'm going to be trying to learn a whole new branch of the high tech world, going from C and Unix to C# and ASP. But in the meantime, hopefully, this lovely photo of a future Microsoft-certified computer genius will provide you with some deep thoughts about world peace and the universal need for love.
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I've been either moving all my stuff from one floor to another, out of the office altogether, or in a 2-day class these past few days. What can I tell you? I have a job. I have to work. My network connection is hosed from the move and the PC support team is slower than OJ Simpson's white Bronco running from the LAPD. Sorry. I'll try to make up for it if I can find some time.
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The Infamous Slow Speed Chase in L.A.

And I ran
I ran so far away
I just ran
I ran all night and day
I couldn't get away

(with apologies to Flock of Seagulls and OJ Simpson)
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Hectic Day, Chaotic Thoughts, and Ian

Ian's funeral ceremony was this afternoon, but I couldn't go. Things are too hectic here and I just couldn't get away from Memphis for the day. It still seems strange to me. Somehow, people you went to high school with aren't supposed to die. In my mind, everyone I knew then is the same as they were. Even when I see them now, as soon as I walk away I remember them as they looked in high school. The girls tell me they appreciate that.

The first time someone I went to high school with died it was a complete shock to me. Tim Burn and I ran cross country and track together. He was 2 years older than me and was driving alone to the state sectionals track meet. He apparently ran a stop sign at a 4-way stop and was hit in the side by a dumptruck he hadn't seen coming. Apparently the dumptruck ran the sign, too. I don't know the details for sure. But the entire track team, including me, was at his funeral. I'll never forget it. He was buried in his uniform. I ended up quitting the next year because, in addition to getting shin splints, every time I ran with the team I thought about Tim's funeral and all of us there crying. I remembered them lowering the casket into the hole and pouring the dirt on it. It bothered me that they were pouring dirt on top of Tim down there. It just didn't register that he was really dead until that moment. From then on I couldn't focus on running when I was with the team anymore. I switched to football, but the track team had practice around the football field, so it did me no good.

The next person from high school to die too soon was Rita Pfaff. We had only just graduated and she was one of the last people I'd expect to be killed, but Rita died at 18 years of age in a near head-on collision with a Cadillac. Her friend who was riding with her died instantly, but Rita lived until that night. The car she was driving was crushed to half its' width. She had apparently managed to turn the car and get sideways before the Cadillac crushed the little Plymouth Horizon hatchback. It's a wonder she lived as long as she did.

About 2 years after Rita died, Bridget Junen died of leukemia. Bridget had been in my homeroom for as long as I can remember. We even went to kindergarten together when we were 4 years old. I still have the class photo. I remember the last words I ever said to her were to call her a bitch for something stupid that happened during homeroom. She wasn't a bitch and it seemed odd for me to say even as the words left my mouth. She just looked at me funny, but didn't say anything back. I had never said anything like that to her before. And I never did again. But I'll regret what I said until I die, because I never took it back or apologized.

Chris Chapman died several years later. He'd been born with a heart defect and we all knew his time was going to be limited, but even so it came as a shock. He founded a magazine while in college at Montevallo, called "Fred's Wonderful Newsletter." He co-edited it with Chris Fitts. It caught on and spread to other colleges in the SouthEast because it was so unlike anything anyone had ever seen before. I wrote several stories and drew several cartoons for it while it was in publication. I was proud to have been "published" in Chris' highly unique magazine. I remember riding in Chris' huge Chevrolet Caprice with Kevin Fotovich in the back seat. We were driving around mooning people for no particular reason. It was just the sort of thing you'd do while riding with Chris Chapman. His strange sense of humor could inspire you to do things you'd never thought of before, such as hanging your bare ass out a car window at 50 mph and honking at your target to make sure they didn't miss the show.

Ian's death is just as shocking and confusing to me as any of these others. He has 5 sons and a beautiful wife named Diane, all of whom he has had to leave behind. It seems too unfair. Several of us went online to sign a guest book at the funeral home's website for him. Several of his closest friends were able to express their feelings so well, but I was somehow at a loss for intelligent words. I have no idea what I wrote.

I know we don't live forever, but it still doesn't make any sense that he should die now. It's just too soon. He was a great guy. He had more to do. And there are a lot of people who care about him and don't want to see him go.

Maybe that's selfish?

I don't care if it is. I'm tired of being philosophical about things like this. I'm tired of the good dying young and the bad living to be old and gray and rich and seemingly never unhappy or stressed. O.J. Simpson will probably live to be 100. Hillary Clinton will probably still be alive when I die. Maybe she'll die at 150?

I guess it isn't accurate to say that just because the good die young, the evil will all live to be old. Some good people live to be old. It's just hard to remember that when the only people you see dying are good people.
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New From Mattel!

Mister Potatohead Jackson
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Jedi Squirrels

Star Wars III 1/2 - The Nut Wars
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Nashville Parents From Hell

(Court TV) — A teenage mother of two was arrested Thursday after pulling a pistol from a diaper bag and shooting her husband in the groin inside a convenience store.

Domestic violence detectives (for a shooting and sex crime?) with the Metro Nashville Police Dept. charged the 17-year-old mother shooter with aggravated assault (and sexual battery?) after her 21-year-old husband target, Deandre Whitworth, was taken to a hospital around 7:10 a.m. (bleeding like a motherfucker.)

Witnesses told police that the brutality circus act began when the two pulled into a parking lot across the street from a Mapco convenience store in Madison, Tenn., with their 4-month-old twins in tow (they were towing the twins?)

Police said the young mother crazed shooter told detectives that a heated argument fight ensued between the separated couple crackheads over a request that the husband future shooting victim care for the children for a few days (A few days? She's 17 and they're 4 months old and she's leaving them with the 21-year-old man who is alleged to have just hit and kicked her and whom she's about to shoot for a few days? This seems odd to me.)

Witnesses reported seeing Whitworth strike his wife smack the bitch, whose name has not been released cannot be pronounced by police, and kick her in the parking lot. He stormed off to fled into the convenience store and asked a clerk to call police because, he said, his wife was acting strangely (as evidenced by the weapons in the diaper bag.)

When Whitworth returned to the car hoopty to find his wife beyatch slashing his tires bobos (so she carries a knife, too?!), he grabbed retrieved the twins from the car and went ran back into the Mapco store (After she slashed his tires, how were they all going to get home?)

(Honey, Momma's crazy with a gun and a knife so I'm taking you to get a Slushy from Mr. Ashir Patel, who usually has a gun of his own behind the counter.)

His wife armed and enraged "life-partner" followed him into the store carrying a diaper bag arsenal, police said. She reached into the bag, pulled out a pistol (so now she's armed with a knife and a pistol, and what a place to keep them!) and shot him once in the groin sexual organs (she reportedly got the idea from watching Disney films.)

The twins were (physically) unharmed in the incident (obviously), and the 17-year-old suspect psycho-crack-ho remained on the scene (having slashed their tires and thus having no means of escaping with the kids) until police arrived. She was taken into custody politely questioned and gently escorted to a patrol car (where's the diaper bag and what the hell else do you have in there?)

Whitworth is recovering from the gunshot wound in intensive care at Vanderbilt University Medical Center.

($5 and a slushy says she walks despite the so-called mandatory jail time for a gun crime, "children first", and "no excuse for sexual abuse" policies.)

Under Tennessee statute, juvenile suspects are only identified in cases of murder (she tried, but narrowly missed the femoral artery), rape (why is genital shooting not included here?), robbery or kidnappings.

(So everyone keep your eyes open for a mad teenage woman carrying a knife and a heavy diaper bag that smells of grease and gunpowder. She'll be back out on the street in no time with more kids and more weapons.)
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Marital Advice from Nude Doctor Memphis

Something every man must learn in order to have a happy wife is this:

Man walks in door. Woman is looking at him with anticipation. Man MUST say:

"So, how was your day?"

Now man must know ahead of time that a verbal flood is coming, so before saying this he should put his things down and get comfortable. If woman doesn't wait for man to say "how was your day" then man gets trapped in doorway with hands full for 30 minutes to an hour. Man is not permitted to move or break eye contact. This can be a problem which leads to marriage counselor or divorce.

To prevent this problem man caught in doorway should say, "hang on and let me put my things down and change clothes and then I'll be ready and you can tell me all about it."

Seriously, this is a vital skill for marriage. Man must then keep his promise and come back to listen to her day. Man must not stare at TV and say "mmm hmm" while obviously ignoring her or else he has broken the deal and he will pay. But if man does this everything will be so much better in the long run, I guarantee.

Also, if man does this every day then the amount of information is kept to a minimum, but if man forgets or neglects it then it builds and builds inside her until she is ready to explode. Either the neighbors, mother-in-law, or sister is going to hear all about your business as a result. Either that or she is going to eventually shoot you and get away with it by claiming that you abused her somehow (you know how the courts are these days.) Better to let her vent a little every day. If you forget when you first get home then do it before bed or she'll keep you up all night.

This has been vital marital advice from the Nude Doctor of Love.
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Johnny Depp and Binsk

Separated at birth?
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Wal-Mart Demands Anti-White-Male Discrimination

American White Men, Getting Buttfucked Again

Wal-Mart, having been recently hijacked by Femifascist Pirates who forced Wal-Mart to inadvertantly admit that it already hires 2 women for every 1 man, is now apparently a fully owned and operated branch of the National Organization for Women.

Wal-Mart is using its' Dead White Male founder's huge and hard-earned success to bully any and all legal organizations wishing to do business with Wal-Mart into not only discriminating against white males, but doing it so blatantly as to be able to provide well-documented proof to Wal-Mart's new religious thought-police. These feminist thought-police will decide which law firms will be hired to work for the Dead White Male created retail giant and which will be declared "not feminist enough" and rejected.

The article is here. And all of my business in the future will be going here and here and here. Apparently "cost cutting" now means "people hating" at Wal-Mart.

I found this article on Tales of a Wandering Mind's blog. Check him out.
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Spay or Neuter Your Pets

"I don't think so!"
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Nude Blog Counter Analysis

OK, I have been putting this off for a long time. I don't have a reason. I just kept putting it off. But no more. Wheee!

About 6 weeks ago my blog counter started going bonkers. It just started to fly and I have no idea why. I'd like to say it is my marketing genius and that it will continue to fly upwards forever, but I honestly have no clue what happened. So, just because I'm an anal math minor who simply must overanalyze things, let's take a look at what led people here over the past week. Come with me as we ride the Trolley to the Land of MakeBelieve ....

Ding ding!

Top 25 Keywords:
child nude (Yahoo)

nude blog (Yahoo)

Stephanie naked (Google)

Pamela Anderson (AOL)

Avril Lavigne (AOL)

nude marines (Yahoo)

raccoon behavior (Google)

nude mother in law (Yahoo)

jennifer lopez (Netscape)

julia louise dreyfuss nude (Google)

child nude (AltaVista)

tamara mitchell-ford (Google)

fabulous breasts (Google)

blog nude (Google)

memphis blog (Yahoo)

kid porn (Yahoo)

raccoons killing cats (Google)

strong deodorant (Google)

nude yardwork (Google)

Evan Kohlman (Google)

telephone story memphis (Google)

nude child (AltaVista)

blog nude (Yahoo)

nascar nude (Google)

crazy steve's (Google)

Number one on the list is "Child Nude." I don't feel very enthusiastic about this one. I don't recall having ever written anything about nude children on my blog and I don't know why it would have led the users of the Yahoo search engine to me. Maybe the IDH for Avril Lavigne? Good thing I didn't say Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.

Number two is "Nude Blog." OK, that's me. Makes perfect sense.

Number three is "Stephanie Naked." This is obvious enough to me. A whole lot of people, myself included, want to see Stephanie naked. So Stephanie, what's the hold up? Let's see what you got!

Number four is "Pamela Anderson" and to be honest I don't recall anyone ever mentioning her here at all. I'm drawing a blank on this.

Number five is "Avril Lavigne" and I know exactly why this brought people here. Because I'd Do Her and I said so. I'd do her and I don't care if she knows. Maybe one day she'll be surfing the net and find my blog and say to herself, "You know, I think I should give it up to a naked man on a toilet in Memphis." And boy wouldn't I be glad that I posted that I'd do her then?!

"Nude Marines" ???? Maybe Artful Laura said something about nude marines in a comment? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?

"Raccoon Behavior" is just a mystery that I can't begin to fathom a solution for. Who the hell is out there doing enough searches for raccoon behavior to register on anyone's site, let alone mine? And why did raccooon behavior lead here in the first place? The only thing I recall having ever said about raccoons is that one of them was walking down the street in my neighborhood one morning. Beyond that, I don't think it was ever mentioned. Someone call Carl Sagan. This is a mystery for the Cosmos.

"Nude Mother In Law." This is just nasty. I don't even want to know who asked for this. Whomever it was, you are a freak. Either that or you married Cindy Crawford's daughter.

"Jennifer Lopez." Yeah, yeah, I'd do her and run. I remember. But who is looking for her? She's so yesterday. Maybe Ben Afleck was here?

"Julia Louise Dreyfuss Nude" isn't even something I would consider interesting, let alone something that would lead to my blog. Did we ever talk about her? I know we never talked about her being nude. Why would we? Why would anyone? Wait, I think I have this photo!

"Child Nude" is in there again, this time from the Alta Vista search engine. Apparently Michael Jackson is taking full advantage of his acquittal? I guess he's got lots of time on his hands now that the trial is over. He must be on the internet. Maybe he's sitting with Paula Poundstone and they are just downloading like mad? Isn't Alta Vista owned by Disney? Ah, that explains everything.

"Tamara Mitchell Ford." Yeah, we talked about her often enough. She's a one woman wrecking crew. I'm just relieved that the word "nude" wasn't included in that search. That would just be NASTY.

"Fabulous Breasts." This search is simply a great idea. Why hadn't I ever thought of that?! As soon as I finish this I've got to see what this returns. Woo hoo! I'll bet I get back pictures of Binsk and Artful Laura!

"Blog Nude." Yeah, go ahead. What of it? OK, I can see how that would lead here.

"Memphis Blog." That's me, plain and simple.

"Kid Porn" is most likely some FBI person looking for an easy bust. Hey, I wonder if "easy bust" will lead to more hits for me next week?

"Raccoons Killing Cats" is either someone with a raccoon problem or a very sick person. Either way, they should click on over to Leesa's blog if they want to know more about things that kill cats. Bears killing cats, now that's something that would definitely lead to Leesa's.

"Strong Deodorant" must have hit on our discussion of favorite men's colognes. I think someone said they liked the smell of their man's deodorant? Either that or it was when I said I told the woman at the gym that I was tired, sweaty and stinky. Maybe someone has a BO problem and they were looking for advice?

"Nude Yardwork" - there's an idea! Maybe I could do a contest. I could ask for everyone to send me a photo of themselves doing yardwork in the nude. But as I haven't done this yet I'm not sure how it led anyone to my blog. Let's do it now. Everyone, send me a photo of you doing yardwork in the nude. I'll post the winner and send you a postcard from Memphis. If you're hot I'll send you money for more photos.

"Evan Kohlman" is a mystery. It must have hit on "Evan" because I talked about rolling Evan's yard. Is it an invitation to roll Evan Kohlman's yard? Let's Google him and see if we can find out where he lives.

"Telephone Story Memphis" is just a muddy mixture of words thrown together for no apparent reason. And the really weird part is that there were 2 searches for this. WTF?

"Nude Child" - this is disturbing. First, I want to know why the heck this led to my blog. Second, I want to know what kind of person was out looking for this. Third, I want to invite this person or persons to not visit my blog anymore, unless by 'child' they mean '17 year old girl' in which case, let me know what you find and where you found it.

"Blog Nude" - well, this is about as obvious as it gets. There is, in fact, another nude blog. I had meant to blogroll it but forgot. Now I don't remember where it was. Maybe it was me doing this search?

"Nascar Nude" - you've got to be a real redneck to want to see the results from this one. I mean, what the hell were they hoping to see, Jeff Gordon on a bearskin rug? Freaks, just freaks.

"Crazy Steve's" - now I wonder who this might be? Is there some website out there titled Crazy Steve's? I hope it's funny. We Steves have a reputation to uphold.

Last 20 Keywords:
23/06/2005 15:50:43
travelling pants nude (Google)
23/06/2005 15:35:24
nude blog dutch (Google)
23/06/2005 15:24:23
strong deodorant (Google)
23/06/2005 15:04:45
open door creates clicking under dash gmc (Google)
23/06/2005 15:00:06
sister-in-law nude (Google)
23/06/2005 14:39:44
miss nude memphis (Google)
23/06/2005 14:32:55
location of gracelands tn use memphis tn (Google)
23/06/2005 14:21:17
Pamela Anderson (AOL)
23/06/2005 13:22:40
child nude (Yahoo)
23/06/2005 11:58:29
nude french woman (Google)
23/06/2005 11:20:16
rednecks and nascar (Google)
23/06/2005 11:11:56
Nude Child porn Photo (Yahoo)
23/06/2005 10:42:42
blog photo nude (AltaVista)
23/06/2005 10:08:04
jennifer lopez (Google)
23/06/2005 09:23:11
raccoon behavior (Google)
23/06/2005 07:57:03
jackass nude (Yahoo)
23/06/2005 07:39:06
wife farting (Google)
23/06/2005 05:24:25
faith hill (Overture)
23/06/2005 05:07:13
julia louise dreyfuss nude (Google)
23/06/2005 04:24:09
nude child (Yahoo)

travelling pants nude (Google) - was there nudity in the chick-flick about the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants? I guess there could be, but I wouldn't know. If not then I can't imagine what this was about.
nude blog dutch (Google) - Ah, someone is looking for pretty naked Dutch girls? Good idea.
strong deodorant (Google) - We already talked about this.
open door creates clicking under dash gmc (Google) - What am I, Mr. Nude Goodwrench? Climb under there and see for yourself. How should I know what the clicking is?
sister-in-law nude (Google) - Doesn't this just seem like poor logic? Someone wanted to see their sister-in-law naked, so they said to themselves, "I wonder if she's on the internet? Hmm, how to search? Well, she's my sister-in-law, so I'll search for 'sister-in-law nude.' That should do it."
miss nude memphis (Google) - Is there such a thing? Perhaps I should check this out. I'd like to attend this competition in person.
location of gracelands tn use memphis tn (Google) - you ain't from aroun' here, are ye? I'll help you out. From the jetport go west onto Winchester towards 240. Keep going until you hit Democrat. Go left to where it intersects with Airways. Go left until it intersects with Brooks. Go right onto Brooks and keep going until you reach Elvis Presley Boulevard. Go left. Look to your left for a stone gate with graffitti all over it and an old '70s house. Welcome to Graceland. Yippee.
Pamela Anderson (AOL) - OK, I can see the interest, just not why it led anyone here. I don't remember talking about her.
child nude (Yahoo) - Go away.
nude french woman (Google) - Cendrine? You are the only French woman I know of on my blog. Do you have some photos you'd like to share with us?
rednecks and nascar (Google) - Well, at least this time it doesn't ask for nude rednecks and nascar. And really, you can't have rednecks without having Nascar, too, so they do kind of go together.
Nude Child porn Photo (Yahoo) - OK, now we get more specific. Apparently this person found a website that was all about nude children, but didn't include any photos? And nothing pornographic at all? How disappointing.
blog photo nude (AltaVista) - More and more I'm seeing fellow bloggers doing nude photos. And I can't say that I mind.
jennifer lopez (Google) - Ben, it's over. Move on.
raccoon behavior (Google) - Just a weird search altogether. Go away. This is not Wild Kingdom.
jackass nude (Yahoo) - I do not care to see Mr. Jackass nude. I wouldn't be surprised if he's posted photos of himself and all his friends in the nude, but they are not here.
wife farting (Google) - This sounds like a search I did, and I specified WAV files. So maybe it was me?
faith hill (Overture) - Am I the only one baffled by the fact that this just says 'faith hill' and not 'faith hill nude' ??? I mean, you've gone to all the trouble of typing her name. Why not go ahead and say what you really want? Anyway, I can already tell you, there are no such photos. Not real ones, anyway.
julia louise dreyfuss nude (Google) - Just go away and leave me alone.
nude child (Yahoo) - Mr. Jackson, Miss Poundstone, Miss O'Donnell, please don't come here anymore. This is a respectable blog.

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Wifeism XI - Pudgy Tires

"Would you check my tires? I think they're low. They look pudgy."
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Wifeism X - Twatty Machine

My Wife occasionally forgets the proper wording for whatever it is that she's trying to say. So she compensates by making up her own.

We were getting into the shower when she said, "I hope my twatty machine is working. I mean, I hope it's charged."


"I hope my twatty machine is charged."

Rather than go into the details of how I deciphered this one I'll just explain from the beginning.

Some time ago I caught My Lovely Wife using my hair clippers to trim her ... er ... private places. I was less than happy about this so we bought a separate one for that, a beard trimmer. My Wife forgot the word "beard" and also "trimmer" and thus substituted "twatty machine." So you see, the beard trimmer is now a twatty machine. See how simple this is?

Sounds like some torture device from "Barbarella" doesn't it?
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Chinese put man in space, but can't put the hot dog in the bun

BEIJING (Reuters) - Chinese are more ignorant about sex than any other subject, the official Xinhua news agency quoted a sex expert as saying Thursday.

"In the survey we conducted, not only youngsters but many grown-ups are sex idiots, which is really dangerous and woeful," Xinhua quoted Xu Tianming, president of the China Sexology Society, as telling a seminar.

"More Chinese are ignorant about sex than about other knowledge, even including those having received higher education and experts of other fields," he was quoted as saying.

Xu himself demonstrated a unique understanding of the subject, saying people could only enjoy a normal sex life until the age of 25. He added that meant teenagers should be allowed to socialize more freely with members of the opposite sex.

"Parents and society should allow them to have normal contacts with the opposite sex, such as dancing, and to read some books with certain sex descriptions," Xu said.

Attitudes about sex have relaxed since Communist China began market reforms in the late 1970s, opening the doors to teenage dating and also creating a huge increase in adultery and divorce.

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Email Exchange With The Wife

07/08/2005 01:29 PM
To Steve Jones
Subject Woman

This woman I work with (Thank goodness not closely) just chewed me up one side and down the other for something that's not my problem. 3.25 hours till home.
I'm just really anxious to get home.

07/08/05 01:36PM
To Wife
Subject Re: Woman

I know this sounds wacky, but next time someone comes in your office and starts chewing on you for something that isn't your problem, do what you did last night. Take off your socks and put them on like gloves. Then pick up a pen and start writing down everything they say. If they ask what you're doing, just say "nothing" and keep writing. I'll bet they leave you alone after that.

If anyone else says they heard you did this and asks about it just deny the whole thing. Say, "she's crazy."

07/08/2005 01:40 PM
To Steve Jones
Subject Re:Re: Woman

You always know how to make me laugh. That's so funny! You really are my SUNSHINE! PFFFFPPFPFPFP. (I farted.) Your turn to laugh.

07/08/2005 01:49 PM
To Wife
Subject Re:Re:Re: Woman

Thank you for sharing that.
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I'm sorry to say that Ian Scott Campbell died this morning.
He leaves behind his beautiful wife, Diane, and their children.
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Freakonomics and the London Terrorists

Al Cowda

I'm reading a new book, "Freakonomics", in which an economics professor asks a lot of seemingly unrelated questions and then attempts to offer answers that show that they are, in fact, related. It's unique because he's got a wildly different point-of-view from the average person. In fact, so far I like it for that very reason. I seem to have a wildly different point-of-view from the average person, too, and even though I don't necessarily agree with everything he says I'm not upset about it because he's not arguing for a political or religious agenda. He's just saying, "I think this and this are related like this."

That's sort of what I was thinking with the blog I just did about Latchkey kids. Whether it's good or bad, it's just the way it is. And by the way, here is what I remember happening along the way ... blah blah.

I'm bothered about the terrorists in London, not only because the fuckers killed so many average people who were simply minding their own business, but also because terrorism often works.

What?! No it doesn't! We'll never give in to terrorism!

In "Freakonomics" he gives some specific examples of how terrorism has been used in the past and how it worked. And it did work. People got scared and changed their behavior, trying to avoid any further conflict, just as they did in Spain when they ousted their anti-terrorist government and voted in a more terror-friendly group just a year or two ago following a bombing very similar to the one in London.

Yeah, but terrorists are too stupid to cause this kind of regime change intentionally. It was just luck.

No, it wasn't. It was no coincidence that the Spanish train was bombed immediately prior to the election. It was bombed specifically because of the election. And it worked. Enough people changed their vote to shift the results the other way.

I don't know what's happening in London right now. I know Tony Blair is sinking in the polls, just like George Bush is. And I know that just prior to the presidential elections in the U.S. in which George Bush was up for re-election our Department of Homeland Security was on high alert, with our whole Department of Justice fully anticipating an attack. Whether we headed off some attacks or not I have no idea.

Believe it or not, despite how it appears, our government does not tell us nearly as much as we think about things like this as they are happening. We have a million conspiracy theories to explain what is happening right now, and that's all great for people like Oprah and Al Franken and Rush Limbaugh, but truthfully we really don't know as much as we think we do. Most importantly, we don't know the big picture.

I hope whomever is to blame for the bombings in London gets caught. I hope they get caught and pushed in front of a speeding London train. I hope they are stripped to their underwear, painted up with "French Football Forever" and then pushed out into the street in front of Manchester United's field during a playoff match. I hope they are dressed up in pink miniskirts and bras, bound and gagged, and dumped in a London gay bar on a Saturday night. I hope they're dressed in T-shirts that say, "Bitch, get in the kitchen and make me some pie" and dropped off in a lesbian pub during "domestic violence month." I hope they're tied to the front of London double-decker buses and crashed head-on into one another.

But I also hope that the people in the UK aren't so rattled by the terrorists that they allow the terrorists to win. People in England are supposedly pretty tough. After all, they've had 400 years of this sort of thing from the Irish separatists to deal with. They had German bombs falling all over England to deal with. Maybe they'll tough it out? I don't know. I just hope there's still some English 'stiff upper lip' left over in the UK and that the terrorists go home with nothing accomplished. I'd love to see a video of Osama bin Laden cursing the English and vowing never to waste another bomb on them again because they're too stubborn to let a coward like him win.
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Nude Memphis Ponderings - "Latchkey Kids"

My coworkers were having a conversation that got me to thinking. One coworker was rushing to go home. "My daughter is home alone and my wife won't be home for an hour."

My other coworker laughed, "Man, I grew up alone. My mom was always gone. I remember spending most of my time at home alone. I raised myself," he said. "You new parents are wimps. We used to be home alone all the time."

This started me to thinking about what they'd both said and the generation gap between their respective viewpoints.

When I was a little kid, someone somewhere, either politicians or judges (as if there was a difference) changed the laws governing divorce. No-fault divorce became the law of the land. Conservatives Christians warned that this would have disasterous consequences, signaling that the institutions of marriage and the family were unimportant.

Liberals and Leftists laughed and dismissed the warnings as typical religious fanaticism. Christians had said it, so it must be stupid and wrong.

Divorces began to sweep the country. Half the kids I knew suddenly found themselves in the middle of a war zone. After the devastation was done, these kids ended up living in single-parent, primarily fatherless, homes. They went home to an empty house because the parent they lived with was working and not home to let them in. The media labeled these kids "latchkey kids" because it was a new phenomenon for most of us, and thus it required a catchy label for the news.

It had been the norm in California for a long time, but now it was the norm for all of America.

Mostly the homes were fatherless because the mother was given custody almost every time, just like today. The boys seemed most devastated by this, as were the fathers. Twenty years later the United States had been transformed into a highly feminist nation and remains so to this day.

Yes, I think the two events are related, now that I think about it.

Today, parents who have kids at home alone are considered criminals. If anything happens, anything that draws the attention of the police, fire department, or paramedics - junior falls down the stairs, sets the house on fire, finds Mom's gun and shoots the neighbor - the parent is often charged with a crime for not being home. Once upon a time, to be charged with a crime required that the person charged demonstrate criminal intent. In other words, if Mom intended for her daughter to set the house on fire or her son to accidently shoot the neighbor, then she may be charged with a criminal act. But today, if Mom or Dad simply has no choice in giving Junior a housekey and leaving him to let himself in, well that's just too bad. If anything goes wrong, Momma is on the news that night and in jail the next day.

Whenever there's a story in the news about some kid home alone setting the place on fire and killing the brothers and sisters people's knee-jerk reaction is to say, "those parents should be thrown in jail for that!"

I can remember when this all started and how we got here. What I don't remember is exactly how we came to a point where throwing people in jail because of things they can't control became our solution for everything.

And where are all those people who said no-fault divorce wouldn't cause any problems and didn't devalue the institution of marriage or harm the family, which is the foundation of civilization? They're the ones crying out the loudest for the jailing of those parents while at the same time arguing that we should change the whole definition of marriage.

Whatever happened to the requirement that prosecutors demonstrate that the accused had criminal intent before criminal charges could proceed?

Now that we're to the point of not even remembering why marriage is important and not having any leaders who are man enough to defend it because they might have to offend someone by saying, "No", what's going to happen to our society as a result?

A tangental thought that just ran through my brain: How far does a civilization have to fall before it's considered to have fallen? And what's the divorce rate in China, our biggest threat and fastest growing rival?

Am I the only one who thinks about these things? Am I the only one who wants to know where this ship is headed and why we seem to be taking on water? Maybe I don't watch enough TV or else I'd be more relaxed? Everything is probably just fine. I worry too much.
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