I'm wondering, would this work for other vicious killers and sex offenders?
Saddam Hussein says he poses no threat to anyone. Attorneys ask for return of weapons of mass destruction and restoration of the rape rooms. Saddam Hussein today insisted through his attorneys that he is no danger to anyone and should be returned to power in Iraq immediately. Hundreds of thousands of Iraqi peoples said, "we'll think about it" and then began packing. The judge in the case, Mr. Ito of O.J. Simpson infamy, is believed to be seriously considering accepting this plea.
"Well, he SAID he's no threat. What I am supposed to do, call him a liar?" Judge Ito is reported to have said.
Rosie O'Donnell insists she's not fat. "I'm not fat. I swear to God I'm not. Everyone says I'm fat, but really I'm paper thin. Why won't anyone believe me? It's because I'm a huge lesbian, isn't it? It's lesbianism, which is worse than sexism. You're all a bunch of fathomophobes! Somebody get me a cheeseburger, dammit!"
Farrah Fawcett says, "I'm not a lunatic. Yes, I attacked my boyfriend with a baseball bat in his driveway, but that doesn't make me crazy. It just makes me a baseball player. Where are my pills?"
Richard Simmons proclaims, "I am not annoying." Attorneys for Richard Simmons are demanding that David Letterman, Jay Leno, and all the tabloids report to the world that Richard Simmons is not, in fact, annoying. They are asking that this case be assigned to the retiring Supreme Court Judge Sandra Day O'Connor, who is believed to rule favorably, if not totally randomly and without any real thought whatever, in such cases as this.
Paula Poundstone declares that she is not a threat to teenage girls. "Yes, maybe I raped a teenager after getting her high a few years ago, maybe I even raped several, but I've completely changed since then. Now I prefer them much, much younger. So, if your teenage daughter happens to want to spend the night with me, or better yet, if I want to adopt her, I want everyone to know that this should be allowed. Also, any preteen girls who might want to come sleep, I mean, live with me, that would great."
BTK killer says he's no longer any threat to anyone and is actually a great guy. "I know I've made some mistakes in the past, but I'm really, really sorry that I got caught and I promise I won't get caught again. I don't see why everyone is making such a big fuss. After all, I'm older now and have some gray hair. Don't I remind you of Rip Torn, the actor? Don't you like him? He's a really funny guy. And I look just like him. So there you go. Let me out."
Hillary Clinton declares that she is not a big fat bulldyke cunt. "I know I come across as being a flaming female supremacist dyke bitch, but really, if you knew me, you would never say that. Because if you said that I'd have you killed. And I mean this in the nicest possible way. I like men. Really I do. I like them weak-willed, spineless, and gay. They make great friends for Chelsea and keep her occupied while I and my lesbian girlfriends are busy plotting the overthrow of the entire Western Patriachal World. Smash the Patriarchy! Oops, did I say that out loud? What I meant was, why can't we all just get along?"
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