About 6 weeks ago my blog counter started going bonkers. It just started to fly and I have no idea why. I'd like to say it is my marketing genius and that it will continue to fly upwards forever, but I honestly have no clue what happened. So, just because I'm an anal math minor who simply must overanalyze things, let's take a look at what led people here over the past week. Come with me as we ride the Trolley to the Land of MakeBelieve ....
Ding ding!
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Number one on the list is "Child Nude." I don't feel very enthusiastic about this one. I don't recall having ever written anything about nude children on my blog and I don't know why it would have led the users of the Yahoo search engine to me. Maybe the IDH for Avril Lavigne? Good thing I didn't say Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen.
Number two is "Nude Blog." OK, that's me. Makes perfect sense.
Number three is "Stephanie Naked." This is obvious enough to me. A whole lot of people, myself included, want to see Stephanie naked. So Stephanie, what's the hold up? Let's see what you got!
Number four is "Pamela Anderson" and to be honest I don't recall anyone ever mentioning her here at all. I'm drawing a blank on this.
Number five is "Avril Lavigne" and I know exactly why this brought people here. Because I'd Do Her and I said so. I'd do her and I don't care if she knows. Maybe one day she'll be surfing the net and find my blog and say to herself, "You know, I think I should give it up to a naked man on a toilet in Memphis." And boy wouldn't I be glad that I posted that I'd do her then?!
"Nude Marines" ???? Maybe Artful Laura said something about nude marines in a comment? Anyone? Anyone? Bueler?
"Raccoon Behavior" is just a mystery that I can't begin to fathom a solution for. Who the hell is out there doing enough searches for raccoon behavior to register on anyone's site, let alone mine? And why did raccooon behavior lead here in the first place? The only thing I recall having ever said about raccoons is that one of them was walking down the street in my neighborhood one morning. Beyond that, I don't think it was ever mentioned. Someone call Carl Sagan. This is a mystery for the Cosmos.
"Nude Mother In Law." This is just nasty. I don't even want to know who asked for this. Whomever it was, you are a freak. Either that or you married Cindy Crawford's daughter.
"Jennifer Lopez." Yeah, yeah, I'd do her and run. I remember. But who is looking for her? She's so yesterday. Maybe Ben Afleck was here?
"Julia Louise Dreyfuss Nude" isn't even something I would consider interesting, let alone something that would lead to my blog. Did we ever talk about her? I know we never talked about her being nude. Why would we? Why would anyone? Wait, I think I have this photo!
"Child Nude" is in there again, this time from the Alta Vista search engine. Apparently Michael Jackson is taking full advantage of his acquittal? I guess he's got lots of time on his hands now that the trial is over. He must be on the internet. Maybe he's sitting with Paula Poundstone and they are just downloading like mad? Isn't Alta Vista owned by Disney? Ah, that explains everything.
"Tamara Mitchell Ford." Yeah, we talked about her often enough. She's a one woman wrecking crew. I'm just relieved that the word "nude" wasn't included in that search. That would just be NASTY.
"Fabulous Breasts." This search is simply a great idea. Why hadn't I ever thought of that?! As soon as I finish this I've got to see what this returns. Woo hoo! I'll bet I get back pictures of Binsk and Artful Laura!
"Blog Nude." Yeah, go ahead. What of it? OK, I can see how that would lead here.
"Memphis Blog." That's me, plain and simple.
"Kid Porn" is most likely some FBI person looking for an easy bust. Hey, I wonder if "easy bust" will lead to more hits for me next week?
"Raccoons Killing Cats" is either someone with a raccoon problem or a very sick person. Either way, they should click on over to Leesa's blog if they want to know more about things that kill cats. Bears killing cats, now that's something that would definitely lead to Leesa's.
"Strong Deodorant" must have hit on our discussion of favorite men's colognes. I think someone said they liked the smell of their man's deodorant? Either that or it was when I said I told the woman at the gym that I was tired, sweaty and stinky. Maybe someone has a BO problem and they were looking for advice?
"Nude Yardwork" - there's an idea! Maybe I could do a contest. I could ask for everyone to send me a photo of themselves doing yardwork in the nude. But as I haven't done this yet I'm not sure how it led anyone to my blog. Let's do it now. Everyone, send me a photo of you doing yardwork in the nude. I'll post the winner and send you a postcard from Memphis. If you're hot I'll send you money for more photos.
"Evan Kohlman" is a mystery. It must have hit on "Evan" because I talked about rolling Evan's yard. Is it an invitation to roll Evan Kohlman's yard? Let's Google him and see if we can find out where he lives.
"Telephone Story Memphis" is just a muddy mixture of words thrown together for no apparent reason. And the really weird part is that there were 2 searches for this. WTF?
"Nude Child" - this is disturbing. First, I want to know why the heck this led to my blog. Second, I want to know what kind of person was out looking for this. Third, I want to invite this person or persons to not visit my blog anymore, unless by 'child' they mean '17 year old girl' in which case, let me know what you find and where you found it.
"Blog Nude" - well, this is about as obvious as it gets. There is, in fact, another nude blog. I had meant to blogroll it but forgot. Now I don't remember where it was. Maybe it was me doing this search?
"Nascar Nude" - you've got to be a real redneck to want to see the results from this one. I mean, what the hell were they hoping to see, Jeff Gordon on a bearskin rug? Freaks, just freaks.
"Crazy Steve's" - now I wonder who this might be? Is there some website out there titled Crazy Steve's? I hope it's funny. We Steves have a reputation to uphold.
travelling pants nude (Google) - was there nudity in the chick-flick about the Sisterhood of Travelling Pants? I guess there could be, but I wouldn't know. If not then I can't imagine what this was about.
nude blog dutch (Google) - Ah, someone is looking for pretty naked Dutch girls? Good idea.
strong deodorant (Google) - We already talked about this.
open door creates clicking under dash gmc (Google) - What am I, Mr. Nude Goodwrench? Climb under there and see for yourself. How should I know what the clicking is?
sister-in-law nude (Google) - Doesn't this just seem like poor logic? Someone wanted to see their sister-in-law naked, so they said to themselves, "I wonder if she's on the internet? Hmm, how to search? Well, she's my sister-in-law, so I'll search for 'sister-in-law nude.' That should do it."
miss nude memphis (Google) - Is there such a thing? Perhaps I should check this out. I'd like to attend this competition in person.
location of gracelands tn use memphis tn (Google) - you ain't from aroun' here, are ye? I'll help you out. From the jetport go west onto Winchester towards 240. Keep going until you hit Democrat. Go left to where it intersects with Airways. Go left until it intersects with Brooks. Go right onto Brooks and keep going until you reach Elvis Presley Boulevard. Go left. Look to your left for a stone gate with graffitti all over it and an old '70s house. Welcome to Graceland. Yippee.
Pamela Anderson (AOL) - OK, I can see the interest, just not why it led anyone here. I don't remember talking about her.
child nude (Yahoo) - Go away.
nude french woman (Google) - Cendrine? You are the only French woman I know of on my blog. Do you have some photos you'd like to share with us?
rednecks and nascar (Google) - Well, at least this time it doesn't ask for nude rednecks and nascar. And really, you can't have rednecks without having Nascar, too, so they do kind of go together.
Nude Child porn Photo (Yahoo) - OK, now we get more specific. Apparently this person found a website that was all about nude children, but didn't include any photos? And nothing pornographic at all? How disappointing.
blog photo nude (AltaVista) - More and more I'm seeing fellow bloggers doing nude photos. And I can't say that I mind.
jennifer lopez (Google) - Ben, it's over. Move on.
raccoon behavior (Google) - Just a weird search altogether. Go away. This is not Wild Kingdom.
jackass nude (Yahoo) - I do not care to see Mr. Jackass nude. I wouldn't be surprised if he's posted photos of himself and all his friends in the nude, but they are not here.
wife farting (Google) - This sounds like a search I did, and I specified WAV files. So maybe it was me?
faith hill (Overture) - Am I the only one baffled by the fact that this just says 'faith hill' and not 'faith hill nude' ??? I mean, you've gone to all the trouble of typing her name. Why not go ahead and say what you really want? Anyway, I can already tell you, there are no such photos. Not real ones, anyway.
julia louise dreyfuss nude (Google) - Just go away and leave me alone.
nude child (Yahoo) - Mr. Jackson, Miss Poundstone, Miss O'Donnell, please don't come here anymore. This is a respectable blog.
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