Astrological Signs

zodiac girls

CAPRICORN (Dec 22-Jan 19) You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically a chickenshit. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance. You should kill yourself.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20-Feb 19) You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. On the other hand, you are inclined to be careless and impractical. Everyone thinks you are a fucking jerk.

PISCES (Feb 20-Mar 20) You have a vivid imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence over your friends and people resent you flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are generally a coward. Pisces people screw small animals and pick their noses.

ARIES (Mar 21-Apr 19) You are the pioneer type and hold most people in contempt. You are quick-tempered, impatient, and scornful of advice. You are a prick.

TAURUS (Apr 20-May 20) You are practical and persistent. You have dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bull-headed. You are nothing but a goddamn communist.

GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20) You are quick and intelligent and a thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. However, you are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are liars, notoriously bad lovers, and thrive on incest.

CANCER (Jun 21-Jul 22) You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems. They think you are a sucker. You are always putting things off. That's why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a shit.

LEO (Jul 23-Aug 22) You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are pushy. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate honest criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving bastards and kiss mirrors a lot.

VIRGO (Aug 23-Sep 22) You are the logical type and hate disorder. This shit-picking is sickening your friends. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while screwing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

LIBRA (Sep 23-Oct 22) You are the artistic type and have a difficult time with reality. If you are male, you are probably queer. Chances for employment and monetary gain are excellent. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

SCORPIO (Oct 23-Nov 21) You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpio people are murderers.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22-Dec 21) You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck since you have no talent. The majority of Sagittarians are drunks and potheads. People laugh at you a lot because you are always getting fucked.
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Wifeism XXII - Poop

WIFE: I pooped when I got home today! A poop makes a girl happy ... as long as it's solid and not liquid.
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Linus Explains Christmas

what is Christmas about?

I stole this from Leesa
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It Started Out As A Comment On Kami's Blog

I haven't got a single bumpersticker on any of my cars. I guess I don't love the other drivers enough to give them any of my fabulous advice. Hey, that's what blogs are for. I guess bumperstickers are the original blog?

Sorry to hear about the headaches. My Wife is having them now, but we think it's just eyestrain and stress combined in the extreme. Still, she's worried about migraines.

I don't know much about that whole Texas homestead exemption thing. I just know my Father-In-Law has some kind of huge place outside Dallas and he gets a tax break for having cows on it or something. And he's always bitching about the mesquite stickers puncturing his tires and shit. And having to water his foundation. What's up with that?

I keep trying to care about Bush and Nancy Pelosi and all that and I just can't. I don't know if it's burnout or despair, but I'm feeling nothing here. I read Rangel's genius comments on the military and again, you'd think I'd either laugh or get mad, but no, no reaction. I feel nothing.

Is wishing for all the politicians to die a family value? I'm a bad Baptist, I guess. Memphis has done this to me.

I just found out about the planned bowl game between Nebraska and Texas right before the damned Aggies beat them. I was all excited. I have a friend in Nebraska who goes to ALL the games. She's a freak. So we had something to fight about, but not anymore. Dammit.

I should get a bumper sticker that says "damn them Aggies!" Even better, I need to make one that says "go to church, you fuckers!"

I know, I'm an idiot.
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To My Darling Husband

To my darling husband

Before you return from your overseas trip, I just want to let you know
about the small accident I had with the pick-up truck when I turned
into the driveway. Fortunately not too bad and I really didn't get
hurt, so please don't worry too much about me.

I was coming home from Wal-Mart, and when I turned into the driveway I
accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake. The
garage door is slightly bent by the pick-up fortunately came to a halt
when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry but I know with your kind-hearted personality you
will forgive me. You know how much I love you and care for you my sweet

I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife.

(picture of accident)

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More Fascinating Shit About Me

Here are all the states in the U.S. that I have been to!

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide
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Oh Hell

fat naked man
This photo shamelessly stolen from Steph in Australia
- tiny naughty bits covered in Paintshop by me-

I'm in a shitty mood this morning. I ran 6 miles on Thanksgiving. I ran 5 miles yesterday. I've been running between 9 and 10 miles per week since I started this new job, which is not enough but still should accomplish SOMETHING. I looked in the mirror this morning while I was getting dressed and I just said "shit." I thought people were supposed to die first and then the rapid deterioration starts? I seem to have started way early. What the fuck? Am I going to have to shell out the bucks for a personal trainer or what? Damn, I feel like shit on a stick.
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Thanksgiving Divorce

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing. forty-five years of misery is enough."

"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."

Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced", she shouts. "I'll take care of this."

She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "they're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own way."
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Thanksgiving Royale

Daniel Craig

My mother-in-law came to our house for Thanksgiving. She stayed from Wednesday night until Sunday afternoon. It wasn't as bad as you might think. I did try to record her awful New York laugh, though, but I don't think I got it. It was hard to do while being inconspicuous. The damn machine beeps too much.

On Thanksgiving day My Wife and Her Mother decided to go for a walk around noon. The turkey was cooking and there wasn't much to do. I had already decided that I wanted to run instead. Or rather, that I needed to run whether I wanted to or not. And since it was a holiday I decided to run as much as I felt like.

On weekdays when I run during my lunch break I'm limited by time. I only have maybe a half hour to actually run and I'm not running very fast, so that limits my distance. On a weekend or a holiday I can take all the time I need. So I did. I ran 6 miles. I only intended to run 6, so maybe I should have set my sights on a longer distance and I would have been better off? I don't know. All I know is that my body started talking to me at 5 miles. It said, "I have to poop. I'm going to poop right now. I'm going to poop here in the park while you're running."

And I replied, "that'd be a big mistake. Even if you poop here you still have to run the rest of the way around the track and then take me all the way home. That's still 2 miles no matter how you cut it. You're going to be awfully sorry if you poop now."

My body insisted that he didn't care. We argued a bit. Then he let out a stream of noxious farts that cleared the track behind me and killed several small squirrels in the nearby trees. Birds fell out of the sky.

And yet still I needed to poop.

I had passed My Wife and Her Mother several miles back. They had long since disappeared, having finished their walk and gone home I suppose. I decided that the massacre of small wildlife my ass had made was a strong indicator that I should finish up at 6 miles and go home to my own private potty to lose some excess pounds in the form of turds.

I had a lovely poo. You would have all been proud of me. I even managed to flush while both My Wife and Her Mother were in 2 separate showers, causing them both to lose water pressure and temperature at once. SCORE!

Football was eventful. I'm sure all of you who follow football know what happened. If not, I may come back and edit this, giving my carefully constructed and totally unbiased opinions of the ass whippings and upsets. To sum up, Nebraska, Florida, LSU, and Georgia did well, Texas and Arkansas did not.

On Saturday we all went to see the new James Bond movie, "Casino Royale." There is a new James Bond. He's played by Daniel Craig who was stolen straight out of the movie "Layer Cake." If you haven't seen "Layer Cake" then you're going to be shocked by the new James Bond. Not only that, but you missed out on a damn good movie. Go see "Layer Cake" before you see "Casino Royale." I just ordered the DVD so if you can't find it you can come over to my house and watch it with me. Bring pizza and beer.

Anyway, the new James Bond is starting over, sort of like Batman, only without the synthetic muscle suit and cape. And like Batman, the latest reincarnation is good. No more invisible cars or disco dancing or bellbottom suits. M is still played by Judi Dench, the woman from "As Time Goes By." I know, you have no clue what show that is. It's on PBS here and she's not really that different. Anyway, you don't have to watch "As Time Goes By" to get a handle on the new female M or anything. It's the same woman they've had for the past few movies, but she's not as nasty as she was in the first one when she referred to James Bond as a "male chauvinist", which was really lame and probably written by some guy who still lives with his mother. This time M is more like the characters Judi Dench usually plays, so I'm guessing she had more say in the lines this time around. Moneypenny is gone, although not necessarily permanently. The woman who played her in all of the previous films is named, rather ironically, Samantha Bond. She has retired. M's secretary in this film is a white male. This is yet another PC casting with a few more to come. Q is gone and so is R, the replacement played by John Cleese. Whether or not there will ever be another Q is up in the air at this point, but based on what they've done so far I'm guessing a new Q would be either female, black, or both just because. Felix, the American CIA agent from the original story, is now a black man who isn't very good at poker.

The movie is fast and furious. Instead of relying on gadgets, the film's biggest action sequence relied on cables, which were then digitally erased. It was well done, though, so it won't make you cringe while watching men flying and spinning in the air like bad Chinese dancers pretending that kung fu is magic. They just used them to enable some spectacular outdoor stunts done at tremendous heights. And if you want to really appreciate this sequence you have got to see this in the theater with the giant screen and a good sound system. It'll make you dizzy.

James Bond's all time most popular car, the old '60s Aston Martin, makes an appearance, but is not initially his and does not have any gadgets in it. He only uses it briefly to impress a good-looking woman, whom he needs information from. Later, he is supplied with a newer car which has only a few gadgets, all of which he winds up needing. After that the car has a horrific crash. So don't fall in love with his car or you'll cry when you see what happens to it. And if you don't cry when they crash the car you will probably cry when you see what happens to James Bond after the crash. They hurt him. It isn't nice. But he does manage to make a good joke out of it. And this, again, is more like "Layer Cake" than any James Bond film I can recall. No one ever did this sort of thing to the disco James Bond. But none of the disco James Bonds ever came across as being half the man that this one is. Even Sean Connery would be hard pressed to come across as ever having been any tougher or more focused on his goal than Daniel Craig. As for the previous James Bond, Pierce Brosnan, no matter how much you may like him, he could never have pulled off this role no matter how hard he tried.

And the women will, of course, enjoy seeing him naked and tied to a chair. The men won't like this scene nearly so much. It'll make you cry.

So anyway, the Mother-In-Law drove home. My Wife cried when she left and said, "now we're all alone again." Another reminder that moving away from Memphis is a top priority.

And then we worked in the yard, cleaning up My Neighbor's pine tree droppings which are all over the yard. I had to spray for the mole again, because it appears he's been testing the lawn to see if it's safe to return. After that I scooped out the exploding rocks from our infamous Chiminea and replaced them with lava rock from the grill section of Home Depot. Then I started up a fire to test them and we spent the rest of the afternoon and a good part of the evening sitting outside under the stars watching our now explosion-free fire burning merrily along.

I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, even if you live in a fabulous country like Australia or Canada where they don't necessarily have Thanksgiving, but they do have an abundance of hot chicks and happiness.
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Kung Fu Revisited

It was a cold Wednesday morning. My Wife had the day off. She was complaining about feeling sore from spending all Tuesday night assembling shelves and moving boxes of books around. She began to inform me that I should be grateful that I have such a wonderful wife who would work so hard for my benefit. I thought I might pay her a fitting compliment in return, so I said,

"You're the kung fu of wives."

She looked perplexed. Then she made her mean face. Apparently this wasn't the answer she was looking for.

"You're the kung fu of morons!" she replied.

Yeah baby, we're a kung fu family.
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Saturday night there was supposed to be a meteor shower visible in the Memphis sky. It was predicted to be clear and cool all night. It was a perfect night to sit out under the stars and watch.

My Wife and I bought a chiminea for the occasion, a clay fireplace that goes outside on your back porch. We were hauling it home in my truck when my wife observed the "kung fu of trucks" in the parking lot.

Once we had it home we pulled out the instructions and set it up.

"Place approximately 3 inches of rocks in the bottom of the chiminea to prevent the fire from coming in direct contact with the surface of the bowl. Then place firewood on top of rocks and start your fire. Do not let flames reach up above the top of the chiminea chimney."

We had bought 2 bags of pretty rocks to place into the bottom, as instructed. There was no mention of specifically what kind of rocks to buy, so we bought nice round river rocks.

After dark we went outside and began gathering firewood from the woodpile. We placed 2 logs into the chiminea along with some kindling and some pine cones to get the fire started.

It was much windier than the weatherman had predicted and this made it harder to get the fire going. It also made it harder to keep it going once it was started. It was colder than predicted, and cloudy as hell. But we were confident that the clouds would clear out in time for the meteor shower, as predicted. Also, we just wanted to start a fire in our new toy.

The cats were excited to be outside with us. They always enjoy being in the backyard with 2 giant humans to chase away the Toms and the raccoons, giving them complete control of their domain with nothing to worry about. They began running like lunatics around in the darkness.

My Wife, having inherited control-freak tendencies from her mother and her mother's mother, was fighting me for control of the fire starting. I would light something and she would immediately argue with me that I was doing it wrong. Then she'd light something else. Then it would die down in the wind and we'd curse.

My Wife, confident that she is the world's greatest fire starter, went into the garage to get our official bucket of kindling and dried pinecones. While she was out of my way I ran across the yard and gathered up an armload of pine needles, courtesy of my neighbors damned pine trees that bomb our home with flammable shit year round. I raced back to the chiminea and carefully stuffed some pine needles behind the firewood. I put the rest on the ground where My Wife wouldn't see it. This was easy to do considering how dark it was outside. All I had to do was throw it about a foot from the chiminea, slightly behind it, and the whole pile magically was covered in darkness.

My Wife came out with her magic bucket, threw in 2 or 3 pine cones, and began trying to light them. As always, she held the match with the tip upwards, allowing it to burn out way too fast. And I, having been married long enough to know better, said nothing about it. I figured as long as she threw the wasted match stick into the fire it was all the same to me. Eventually she managed to get the pine cone to light. She sat back satisfied. I sat back and waited.

WHOOOOOOSHH! Suddenly the pine needles caught.

"What the hell?!" My Wife exclaimed excitedly. "What did you put in there?"

Now I must warn you, all of you who are not fire experts, never to put pine needles or pine wood into your indoor fireplaces. First of all, most indoor fireplaces built these days are gas. Putting real wood into them might cause you some real problems. But aside from that, even if you have a REAL fireplace that burns real wood, pine covers your entire fireplace and chimney with a flammable substance which, over time, builds up and will eventually cause a chimney fire. Chimney fires are bad. They burn houses down. But this was not a chimney and it was not inside my house. This was a stupid clay chiminea, made in Mexico by people who have long since crossed over illegally into California and Texas, and I didn't give a damn if it gets coated in pine crap and one day has a chimney fire. Let's get this party started. So I cheated. I used pine needles, of which we have no shortage.

The fire, now burning brightly, was blazing along, sending burning bits of pine up the chimney and into the air. We watched the fire floating above us somewhat nervously, but as the wind was so strong it quickly blew out the heavenly flames, giving us little to worry about. The wind was blowing straight in through the front of the chiminea and out the top, making the flames burn fast and furious. I threw in another log. The fire quickly climbed in the wind, briefly flickering up above the top of the chimney.

"It's not supposed to burn that high," My Wife gladly informed me.

"Yes, I know," I agreed. "It'll die down soon enough."

"Once we have some hot coals in the bottom we can put in less wood and it should keep burning without so much help," My Wife said.


We waited for the wood to get thoroughly scorched and begin dropping off burning bits to form some hot coals in the bottom. Slowly the glowing coals began to appear, forming a hot base to our lovely Mexican fire.

And that's when the fun started.


"What the hell?" My Wife exlaimed.


The cats immediately wanted to go inside the house RIGHT NOW.


The chiminea was machine gunning us!

Bits of glowing red something or other began shooting both of us like bullets.

"Ow, what the hell is hitting me?" I asked My Wife as I peeled a now cooling projectile the size of a half dollar off my chest. "It's a ROCK!"

Now I want all of you to recall that nothing in the instructions said anything about what kind of rocks to line the bottom with. We had even discussed this beforehand, wondering if one type of rock was better than another for this sort of thing. Nothing was said about river rock.

Apparently something SHOULD have been said, as it turns out that river rocks will explode when exposed to glowing red heat, perhaps due to trapped deposits of water deep inside of them. I'm guessing, as I haven't had geology since high school. Searching the web I now find a few sites recommending "volanic rock" while most other sites simply say "rocks." So, as my public service to all of you, I'm letting you know now not to use pretty, round, smooth river rocks.

The fire machine-gunned us for hours, periodically dying back and seeming calm before the wood would shift and fall closer to the rocks, beginning the cycle of molten death all over again. We eventually had to put gloves on and turn the chiminea, still burning, away from our house to protect our windows. I say 'we' but I mean, of course, me. I had to put gloves on and then wrap my arms around this glowing hot machine gun to turn it away from the house. We just bought these new windows and we don't care to have to replace them just yet. Also, we have a glass door in the back which shatters nicely.

So there we were, shivering in the cold as the wind stole all the heat from the fire before any of it could reach us, unable to see any stars due to the heavy cloud cover, with our two cats sitting all warm and cozy inside the house while looking out the windows at us, who were freezing out in the yard. The roles had reversed. We weren't used to this. Usually we were the ones inside looking out at the poor, freezing cats, who needed to go pee and poo in My Wife's carefully cultivated garden. It was freezing, but by God we were going to enjoy our new chiminea even if it killed us. So we stayed and watched it burn, shivering, cold, and bullet-riddled.

"Ah, what a lovely night," I observed oh so cleverly.

"I'll bet the neighbors hate us," My Wife said. "This thing sounds like we're shooting fireworks and people are trying to sleep."

"Yeah, well, they'll get over it."

So, the lesson here is simply this: when your pets are inside the house, all warm and cozy, and you and your spouse are outside freezing your asses off while being machine gunned with blazing bits of rock, something is wrong. Go inside the house and let it burn itself out. And don't ever use river rocks in your chiminea.
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Kramer's Meltdown

michael richards

Michael Richards went up on stage the other day and got into an apparent argument with some people in the audience. At some point they started heckling him and he started yelling, "n!gger!" I can't find a news story that will say whether the hecklers were black or not, but the fact that the media won't say what color they were would seem to indicate that they were black.

I heard an audio recording of the blowup this morning. Obviously I'm no expert on this kind of thing. I'm sure as hell no stand-up comic. The press is saying he had a "meltdown" or a "nervous breakdown" on stage. Maybe so. Maybe he's stressed out about something. He had a TV show, but it got cancelled. He had a movie, but no one saw it. Maybe he's upset and turned to drugs? I don't know, but that's what the press keeps saying.

I have my own thoughts on this, though, for whatever that's worth, which isn't much because as we all know a blog isn't the most influential voice in the world, especially not mine.

andy kaufman

I remember a stand-up comic named Andy Kaufman. I remember him on the show "Taxi", which I should put in my next list of "I Remember" just to show how old I have become. Anyway, at some point Andy Kaufman decided to start doing a style of comedy that was intended to shock the audience. He would insult them and be a total jerk and make people in the audience mad. No matter how mad the audience got, Andy would never stop doing the act and let them in on the joke. To him it was all part of the show. People in the business called him a genius. I just thought he was a jerk.

Listening to the tape of Michael Richards yelling "n!gger! 50 years ago you [blah blah I couldn't understand this next part] you N!GGER!" And then he starts saying, "See, that shocks you. That's comedy." But by this point the audience is screaming at him. To me, it all sounds like something Kramer would do on "Seinfeld." It all sounds like he thought about how unPC it is for a white man or a Jewish man to call any black person a n!gger for any reason and decided that now was the right time to make a joke out of that. And he did it in a big way, "over the top" as Kramer would have said. If I'm right then he didn't do it very well. And if I'm wrong then he probably is having a breakdown.

I've seen old clips of Michael Richards' standup routines and skits he did with comedy troupes. Sometimes he was funny, but most of the time I thought he was too amused by himself to actually be funny. I loved him as Kramer, but I didn't love him as much else.

Anyway, it's just my opinion, but I think he was trying to be edgy and quirky and shock people into a big laugh. And it didn't work.

* Well, apparently I may already be wrong. Here is an article. And here is the video of the meltdown. It looks different when you actually see it. He lost it. He's done.

And now, courtesy of Resident Weevil, here is a clip of him apologizing.
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Things You Can Only Say On Thanksgiving

...guess its time to bring this back...

1.Talk about a huge breast!

2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.

3. It's Cool Whip time!

4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!

5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!

6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

7. Are you ready for seconds yet?

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!

10. Don't play with your meat.

11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?

13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!

14. You still have a little bit on your chin.

15. How long will it take after you stick it in?

16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.

17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!

18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!

19. How long do I beat it before it's ready
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Wifeism XXI - Kung Fu


Driving through the parking lot of Home Depot with My Wife, I spied a heavily modified Ford F250 4x4 pickup.

I pointed to the truck and said, "Wow, that's a nice truck."

My Wife glanced over at it and said, "it's the kung fu of trucks."


Um, ok. Whaaaaat?

penis truck pull
Iron Penis Qigong Training - I shit you not
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1. You're expected to burn rubbers.

2. It's ok to be a spectator.

3. Theres a pit crew to help out.

4. The faster you go, the better you are.

5. It lasts for several hours.

6. It's acceptable to tailgate.

7. You're SUPPOSED to finish first.

8. Earplugs are OK to drown out the noise.

9. You dont have to kiss the race car.

10. You get a trophy when you finish.
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Stolen from Jon last Wednesday and not posted until now because I just felt like it.

1.The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Carmen Electra or Heather Graham, inviting me to come over and swim naked in their pool.

2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
No, I throw it in the back of my truck and take it home. Whenever a homeless person comes by begging for a handout I pull out a cart and give it to them. I always feel bad if I have to send them away empty-handed.

3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
It depends on how well I know the people around me. If they all know me then I just say nothing because any friend of mine should read my damn blog and already know what's on my mind. But if they are all strangers and especially if any of them are hot women I talk a lot, and when I do I lie like crazy and claim I'm a doctor or a lawyer or just plain rich and watch as the ladies' eyes sparkle.

4. Do you take compliments well?
If they come with money attached I do. Seriously, compliments are few and far between so I take them any way I can get them.

5. Are you an active person?
Lately I am much less active than I need to be. If I can get my truck back from the mechanic (third one to tackle my clutch this year) then I am going home for lunch and run 3 or 4 miles. Unless it rains, in which case I'll have to go the Gym-That-I-Hate and pay to work out there.

6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
Yes, I eat beavers until I am rescued.

7. Do you like to ride horses?
Sure, but I haven't in awhile. I like riding motorcycles through the woods better though.

8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, 2 years in a row. I wrote a play each year for the competition and we were a hit. There is nothing I like better than spouting off lines I wrote myself in front of a live audience and finding an excuse to drag three toilets up on stage and have guys sit on them while singing "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go". One of my plays was Snow What and the Seven Plumbers. I was the Evil Queen.

9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
I played basketball and soccer and always wanted to play football. Pick any of those.

10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married would you?
How sexy and who is she and what specifically is she wanting from me?

11. Are you judgmental?
I am the same as I always was, but society's opinion of what qualifies as judgemental keeps changing because they are a bunch of wishy-washy bitches who can't make up their minds. How's that for judgemental?

12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
I already did.

13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
It's usually easier to pursue. You can just hang back and when they have to slow to make a turn you just lightly tap their rear bumper and make them spin out.

14. Use three words to describe yourself:
Nude Memphis Steve

15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?

16. Are you continuing your education?
Constantly, but I'm not going fast enough. I just can't get motivated to go to the University of Memphis campus. I've been before, but I don't want to go back. If I ever move home again I'll be signing up for classes there for sure, though, which is ironic because the University of Memphis is super easy compared to the university that I graduated from. If I were going to get an easy masters I should do it here, but I just don't want to. I'll probably regret that one day.

17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes, now hand over your wallet.

18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you tried to save?
It would depend on whether anyone was inside or not.

19. How often do you read books?
Often, but most of them are about my job so that may not count in some circles.

20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All of them about the same. The past is important to understanding both the present and the future. But you can't very well predict the future without knowing where things are in the present.

21. What is your favorite children's book?
"Cherry Rides The Shiny Silver Pole"

22. Have you kissed any of your Blog friends?
I can't think of any that I've ever kissed.

23. How tall are you?
6' and not getting any taller

24. Where is your ideal house located?
I haven't built it yet.

25. Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies?
I'll be in the briefs, but you can wear a thong if you like.

26. Last person you talked to?
Kristen just came in to ask me about my business cards. She's gorgeous, but I don't think she's very comfortable around me. Then again, I fart a lot and I have coffee breath while I'm at work so that's probably part of the reason. Also, I look at her with those "holy shit, you're beautiful" eyes that people get when they're dazzled by someone, so I'm sure that doesn't exactly make her want to move in and share a desk with me.

27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Not with my clothes on.

28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Long time. Why? You wanting me to take you out? I expect to be wined and dined before I'll put out.

29. What are your keys on your key chain for?

30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
10 minutes to work. YeeeeeeeHA

31. Where is your current pain at?
My clutch in my truck

32. Do you like mustard?
Yes, but she says the spicey stuff burns her sensitive parts so we only use regular mustard

33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I can always get enough food, but sleep is hard to come by.

34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
At my dad's funeral all his old friends said I looked just like him. Damn those fuckers.

35. How long does it take you in the shower?
To do what? Just because I have to wash that area from time to time doesn't mean I'm ... just shut up.

36. Can you do a split?
Not on purpose.

37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Something where they kill Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Whoopie Goldberg, Rosie O'Donnell, Jennifier Lopez, and Oprah, all in the first 10 minutes. Can we get someone to make a movie like that?

38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
No, duct tape and Christmas bells.

39. What did you do for New Year's?
I can't remember, but I don't think it was anything fun.

40. Do you think "The Grudge" was scary?
Are you talking about Nancy Pelosi and friends or what? What is "the grudge"?

41. What was the cause of your last accident?
A woman not paying attention, apparently. She reminded me of why I used to always drive big old American cars. That hurt like hell.

42. How much money do you have on you right now?
Hundreds if you count the check I haven't deposited. Now that I think about it, I can't remember what the check was for.

43. What are you drinking?
Black coffee

44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, I was. U-A-H - Gooooooo BLUE! Yeah, you probably think I'm kidding.

45. What's the last letter of your middle name?

46. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
Vote for Pedro

47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
6 or 7 most nights, but this week I'm having trouble falling asleep.

48. Do you like Carebears?
For badminton maybe.

49. What do you buy at the movies?
Drugs and prostitutes. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about that.

50. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, it's simple. A man and a woman get naked together and then he just use his ace to poker.

51. Do you wear your seat belt?
Yes, and yours too.

52. What do you wear to sleep?
I wrap my body in Playboy centerfolds and sleep like a log.

53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Um, Space Shuttle. When it blew up they passed the blame around and around until, predictably, they tried to lay it on us. Up until then when they talked about who built it they always ignored us, but once the damn thing exploded suddenly they remembered. Isn't that always the way?

54. How many meals do you eat a day?

55. Is your tongue pierced?
Why don't you let me lick you and see if you can guess?

56. Do you trust the news reported by the local paper?
No, why would I do that? People who believe in making the personal political and the political personal don't bother with little things like The Truth. Since the majority of newspaper owners have embraced that whole philosophy it can be hard to find news you can trust.

57. What's you favorite NFL team?
Cowboys, Chiefs, sometimes Titans. Hey, THEY have backup players. I have backup teams. What's the problem with that?

58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny people are more fun, obviously.

59. Ever been to Vegas?
No, but I almost had a job there.

60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No, but if you want one we have them at home. Look on top of the fridge in the Tupperware thing.

61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Not often and not on purpose

62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I haven't downloaded any music in awhile.

63. Do you hate chocolate?
No, do you hate sex? What a dumb question.

64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't live anywhere near them. We don't fight.

65. Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now?
Always. I'm a white male. Don't you know that I'm to blame for everything?

66. Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
My lump of coal doesn't arrive until Christmas day.

67. What's your favorite preparation for eggs?
Unfertilized until we're married

68. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
Richest man in the world

69. Are you easy to get along with?
That depends on how often you piss me off

70. What is your favorite time of day?
I honestly don't have a favorite anymore. Something needs to change.

71. Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend?
Not going there

72. Who do you hate?
People who hate me just because I exist, people who hate me because of my blog, people whose blogs are funnier than mine, people who park halfway into my space, people who get paid to play video games and blog about it, and finally, people who are just all around better than me in every possible way. Not that I'm jealous or anything. It's complicated. No it isn't.

73. Would ever date your first love again?
Um, my first love was when I was 5 years old and we never dated. I'd say "I love you" and she'd say "ew, shut up!" Now that I think about it, nothing has really changed since then.

74. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
I generally make it a practice not to date anyone who could be described as both girlfriend and boyfriend. I realize we're all supposed to be "gender neutral" these days, but I'm not.

75. Current mood?
Tired and stressed
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Enjoy Your Weekend

Wet T Shirt Contest

Wet T-Shirt Girl says, "Enjoy Your Weekend!"
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Fuck You Friday - All The News That's Fit To Print

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

The elections are over, but the fun has only just begun:

Election outcome boosts embryonic stem cell work

Ah, NOW you call it ‘embryonic’, after the election is over. Interesting how that works.

Christian, Muslim Britons say leave Christmas alone

Apparently even the Muslims are sick and tired of the antiChristers’ constant attacks on Christian beliefs. Good for them! “If I am not for me, who will be? If I am for myself alone, who am I? And if not now, when?”

Hunger seen as big enemy in war on AIDS

I thought people didn’t want war. Weren’t we just told that the results of the last election meant “stop the war” and all that? Funny how none of the newly empowered antiwar crowd has said a word about our soldiers still in Bosnia, by the way. Are we truly against war, or just the one war that receives the most negative press?

"Sexist" urinals sell out

Apparently The People didn’t see anything sexist about them. They liked them. These sold out fast.

He drives awfully fast, for a dead guy

This guy must be in Memphis. I’m sure of it. I’ll bet he drives through Cordova every day. Actually, people in Australia have been getting out of automated speeding tickets by claiming this guy was driving their cars when the cameras took their license plate's photo. Poor guy.

Wo/man accused of running down ex-husband

According to the Violence Against Wo/men Act, as rewritten by the National Organization for Wo/men and passed by a Republican-controlled Congress who didn’t even read it, s/he is to be assumed to have been retaliating for years of abuse, even if s/he wasn’t, and is thus the only ‘real victim’ under the law. The dead man must be charged with he/r crime. Seriously.

Race disparities persist in U.S.

Perhaps that’s because people are different and cannot be made to be the same no matter how hard our overmedicated, underworked, wealthy, elitist, social-engineers try to force us all to be. It’s funny how ‘liberal’ used to mean a person who believed in the right of every person to be an individual whereas now it has come to mean a person who absolutely will not tolerate anyone who doesn’t fit their preconceived notions and prejudices of what a person of a particular race or sex should be. Arrogance and intolerance would thus appear to be a very progressive disease.

Most wo/men in the dark about HPV

Bullshit! The commercials are on constantly. You can’t escape them. They’re on during football. They’re on during Scrubs. They’re on during House and Medium and Two and a Half Men. They’re on in the morning. They’re on in the evening. They’re on every channel. You couldn’t not know unless you don’t have a TV, newspaper, or magazine subscription.

Patents still blocking drugs for poor: activists

Basically what they’re saying is that they want the government to eliminate all patents, thus driving manufacturers of medicines out of business and assuring no medicine for anyone, much as they had in the Soviet Union where even the President couldn’t get the most basic medical supplies for his dying mother back in the 1980s. Equal opportunity does not assure equal outcomes, but to the Marxists of the world it is better for everyone to starve and die of disease than for anyone to achieve more than their neighbors. This is called "social justice" and should never be confused with real, actual justice.

Red meat may raise breast cancer risk

Breast cancer being essentially the only cancer receiving any significant funding for study, as Americans clearly consider the breast to be the most vital bodypart of all.

Student says his drug test is foolproof

Dude, I smoked a shitload of weed and it like totally busted me! It’s awesome! Now I'm gonna patent and sell this drug test for a shitload of money to buy more weed.

Pair accused of 'overt' plane activity

It is now a federal offense to have sex on an airplane. Isn’t that lovely? Just the sort of dangerous activity we all need protecting from. But don’t you dare profile any Muslims!

Sanitation worker's honesty doesn't pay

Only God apparently respects honesty anymore. That money is long gone, man.

Inmate allegedly urged to strip for pie

Alright, I'm naked. Now you get your bitch ass back in the kitchen and make me some pie!

South Africa parliament OKs gay marriage

Is it just me or is there irony in the AIDS capital of the world OKing gay marriage?

U.N. sleuths find plutonium at Iran atom site

And just like the WMD which were in fact found in Iraq, we now have another crisis on our hands.

Holocaust denier goes on trial in Germany

This is what happens when people aren’t permitted the right to disagree, sort of like on college campuses and corporate offices here in the United States.

Rights groups file war crimes suit against Rumsfeld

Can we file a war crimes suit against Lincoln, Roosevelt, and Kennedy while we’re at it? Oh, and Clinton's Madeleine Albright for Bosnia and Somalia, too.

U.N. agency: unclear if Iran's nuclear aims peaceful

Unclear? UNCLEAR?! WTF?!!!

'Homeless dumping' charges for hospital

Seriously, you wanna know how to drive all your city’s hospitals into bankruptcy? Yes? Charge them for dumping homeless people and Medicade people and all that. They are running on a shoestring as it is.

Doctor ordered to pay for unwanted baby

This is a fabulous example of government in action. A doctor in Germany is accused of having botched a birth control implant in a wo/man. She got pregnant, so the court, ever anxious to find a man with deep pockets to enslave, has ordered him to pay 18 years of child-support. Nevermind that she has the option of aborting if she’s so upset about it. Nevermind that he’s not the father. Nevermind reality or justice or any of that. He’s a man and he’s a doctor and he’s got a steady income, albeit an income capped by German labor law. Sell him to the state! Yippee ki yay, free money for fucking around and having babies! But don’t you dare speak a word against the wo/man who was sleeping around because, you know, you can’t judge he/r, and anyway, marriage is outdated and oppresses wo/men. But random enslavement of men is kick-ass!

Man accidentally shoots himself in groin

Ghetto gangstas are more interested in looking cool than anything else, so when they see fools on TV shoving guns in their pants they imitate this. When this fool did it the gun went off and shot off his left testicle, causing him to involuntarily jerk forward in pain, which caused the gun to fire again, shooting him in the leg. And all of this was over a pair of cheap-assed stereo speakers. Yeah buddy.

Government says NATO has not found needed troops yet

Where exactly do you ‘find’ troops? Are they just wandering around the streets, looking for a country to invade? Is this how NATO works? Do they just walk around at night going, "hey you, wanna invade a country?"

Bush warns N. Korea: Don't spread nukes

And Korea responds, “Oh yeah, well Nancy Pelosi says we can build all the nukes we want to! Nya nya nya!”

Europeans OK anti-obesity charter

First we’ll define it as a disability. Then we’ll get the government to try to “solve” the problem. Then we’ll create special courts to try people for “obesity crimes.” And then we’ll implement obesity support, where a man who is thin has to pay some fat person for the rest of their life in order to guarantee their “right” to eat Twinkies. Somehow thin people are going to be demonized and punished in all this. You know it’s true. If there’s one constant in politics it’s the power of jealousy, pettiness, and resentment by illogical and emotional masses of selfish morons.

UCLA police stun student in ID dispute

Another taser dance courtesy of the police. This one was performed on a UCLA student in the library who didn’t have his student ID. Later they might even serve a no-knock warrant on his dorm and have SWAT shoot all the drunk sorority girls they find there. We call this ‘security’ people. You should all feel safer for it. But seriously, the guy was apparently acting like a total ass, and seeing as there have been serial killers praying on students in Southern California so many times in the past things are a little tense on campus after dark. So maybe next time he’ll bring his ID with him?

Pelosi makes history as fe/male speaker

Yeah, I’m sure THAT was her WHOLE motivation throughout her entire career. And if you believe that OJ Simpson has a book he'd like to sell you.

on notice bitch
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Birth Order Test

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated.
At work and school, you do best when you're organizing.
When you love someone, you tend to worry about them.

In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic.
Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management.
You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.


I stole this from Spotty

So anyway, I'm swamped today. I know 2 or 3 of you come here for my Fuck You Friday posts and aren't happy when it's not up. I appreciate that, believe me. I need more people who come here and are actually upset when I haven't posted. That's the kind of enthusiasm that makes me get a boner for my blog. But my boss is here and he wants to know when my application is going to be ready for testing. I thought it would be ready today, but I've hit some errors that are making me scream curse words that no mortal man has dared utter for thousands of years. Yes, Microsoft can do that to a man. So I don't know when or if I'll get to be back here today. I'm under the gun.

In totally unrelated news, I had a massive, near-rock-solid poop this morning that not only left blood in the toilet from the shear agony of ripping its' way out of my asshole, but it also stopped up the toilet itself. So there I am, all aching from my ass like a man who has just been raped, and I'm plunging my own toilet, too. That's always fun while you're at work. It makes a great impression on your coworkers to come in and see you plunging away at a big nasty toilet of poo. I should do more of this.

OK, so I'm back to wrestling with demons in the world of Bill Gates. Yeargh!
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Blue Cross From Hell

automated answering system
This is Blue Cross Blue Shield.
Your nightmare is about to begin

Oh my God. I thought my morning was bad enough, what with my truck still being broken and having to take it back to the shop for the 4th time in in a row, my legs feeling like they're going to break off after running yesterday, and all the system problems I'm having at work. But no, all of that was nothing compared to trying to reach one intelligent person at Blue Cross Blue Shield.

I started off on their website. I just wanted to email them to ask for a HIPA letter, which proves I have had insurance coverage prior to moving to my new employer and obtaining insurance through them. The website was completely unhelpful, but I found their phone number. So I called.

They have a voice recognition system that asks you to say everything and then their computer is supposed to recognize your responses.

"Are you a doctor, a dentist, a hospital, or a customer?"


"I did not understand that."


"Did you say "dentist"?"

"NO, you idiot! CUSTOMER!"

"I did not understand that."

I began pressing the '0' on my phone to try to get a human being.

"I did not understand that."


"I did not understand that."

"You are a fucking moron!"

"I did not understand that. Please wait while I get customer service."

"Geez, it's about time."

"Hello? Can I have your tax id number please?"

"Sure, it's 123-45-6789"

"Are you a hospital?"

"No, I'm a customer."

"Oh, you need to call a different number. I only help hospitals. The number you need is 1-800-517-6425."

"Thanks." CLICK

At the new number I went through the exact same scenario. First the voice recognition software, which has a different woman's voice every time, but always a woman, and never knows what I'm saying unless I yell, which seems oddly to be encouraging people to learn to yell at women more often. Then they put me through to customer service. And customer service says "Oh, this is the wrong number for you. You need to call a different number. Call 1-205-220-2100."

"Thanks." CLICK

New number, but same exact shit. First the voice recognition bitch, me yelling my information, then they put me through to customer service, and customer service says "Oh, this is the wrong number for you. You need to call a different number. Call 1-800-292-8868."

OK, you see the pattern here, right? Yeah, so at 1-800-292-8868 I get the same shit and another new number, 1-888-850-3276. I call this number. I go through the computer bitch faster as I learn how to short-circuit her programming and get to a person as quickly as possible. I get Julie.

Julie takes about 5 seconds to pull up my file, confirm my info, and agree to send out the needed documentation. All done.

Damn, that was a pain in the ass! But thank God for Julie.

You need what?
OK, done.
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The Table

mary table

My wife has a table.

It's big and square and has a glass top and looks all pretty.

It sits in the center of the living room in front of the couch.

There is a bowl with fake flowers in it in the center of the table.

But you aren't allowed to put anything else on the table.

I try to put things there, but I get attacked.

"Don't put your mail on the table! It's looks cluttery!"

"Well what's the table for if we can't put anything on it?"

"I don't want it all cluttery."

We have a giant table in the center of our living room, but you can't put anything on it. You can't use it for anything. It's huge, like a tool shed, and takes up all the space between the couch and the entertainment center. The cats use it like a fort. They hide underneath it and peer up at us through the glass top.

I could see having this giant table if we actually used it. You know, if we could actually put things on it then it might be useful. But as it is the damn thing is just a giant obstruction. I don't understand this, so I thought I might take this opportunity to exploit the great and mighty blog. There are a lot more women than men on the blog, or so it seems, so I was wondering if any of you could take a crack at explaining this table phenomenon to me, please? It's just all so confusing.
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The Future of the Sex Talk

Sign of the times?

A little boy goes to his father and asks "Daddy, how was I born?"
The father answers: "Well son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on Yahoo. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared that said:

'You got Male!'"

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Anti Meme

wild face

I published another Meme, but I'm tired of that so I put it back into draft. I'm REALLY tired this morning. I got my truck back after having the third mechanic try to fix it, claim to have fixed it, and charge me for fixing it. It's not fixed. I drove home yesterday with barely any clutch at all so that the pedal hit the floor and when I let it up just a tiny bit the truck jumped into gear. It's loads of fun. I'm so happy.

My paper hasn't been delivered for the past 2 days in a row. I'm thrilled about that, too.

My former insurance provider refuses to cancel my insurance and fax me my HIPA form so that I can send it to my new insurance company. Oh, they SAY they'll do it, but they never do. I faxed in my paperwork to cancel three weeks ago. They said they got it. Then they didn't cancel and didn't send me my forms. Monday I talked to them and they asked me to fax it in again. So I did. They told me they couldn't confirm having received my fax until Wednesday, which is today. What the fuck is up with that? You can't tell me if you got my fax for 3 days?! Cancel my policy and give me my forms, bitches!

Speaking of bitches, the National Organization for Women is orgasming over the new Congress. They expect to get the most radically misandric and sexist legislation ever written to pass into law with ease. I don't doubt it. But the Republicans could hardly be described as civil rights activists who ever opposed a single piece of anti-male legislation or ever proposed anything new to balance the law toward equality. I'm sure it'll be bad for whites and men and heterosexuals and Christians, but when Republicans are in control again they won't do jack shit toward setting things right. This is why nobody gets enthusiastic when they win. They just don't do anything for anyone who really needs it. They're useless and clueless and stupid.

When I lived in Rockettown there were two infamous cops that everyone knew about. One was a militant feminist lesbian whose name I do not recall. She would pull over men for no reason, then order them out of their cars and tell them to put their hands on the car to be searched. Then she would hit them in the balls. When they fell screaming she'd yell at them to get their hands back on the car and stop resisting. Then she'd jump on them while they were still hurt and attack them. In the end she'd arrest them for resisting arrest and assaulting an officer. There were piles of complaints against her, but no one in authority ever did anything about it because she was a lesbian, a feminist, and a woman. When she first started she was a typical coward and would hit the men in the balls and then radio for help when the men were able to get back up again and were understandably angry. She'd have male officers arrest the male victims while she cowered behind them. Needless to say, the male officers didn't appreciate this much. In fact, they hated her with a passion, as I heard in great detail from several of them who were friends of mine.

The other infamous cop was Officer Haley, a black racist. Officer Haley routinely said out loud to anyone who was nearby, "My motto is 'if they're black I cut'em slack and if they're white I write.'" He never wrote a single ticket to any black person, but he ticketed every single white person he ever encountered. He bragged about it openly. He even said it to the local paper and was quoted in the news in a story about him. The white officers complained about this obvious racist, but because he was black nothing was done.

How typical. This is what passes for 'leadership' these days, corrupt officials who protect hate-criminals like these two and punish anyone who tries to do anything about them. And a media who barely acknowledges their crimes or else tries to portray them as heroes, as they did with the lesbian officer who was, in fact, nothing less than a violent serial sex offender and a hate criminal.

No coffee for me this morning. I had planned to go the gym for lunch because it's raining, but with my clutch not working I don't know that I could get there and back again without being stranded. I'm more than slightly tired of this. I may buy a truck this weekend in a hurry, which I rarely do. But being angry and fed up can motivate a person to make snap decisions sometimes. That's no way to buy a car, but it may be the way I end up doing it this time.

My boss is in town. I have a project that I am trying to set up for testing, but I'm running into a problem. He's anxious for this to be rolled out and so are my clients. And to be honest, so am I. I don't think the fixes I put in this version are going to be the ultimate solution, but I think the ultimate solution is out of my hands so until someone with the authority makes the necessary call I'm doing what I can.

I've needed to poop since I got here this morning. I kept thinking I would just do one more thing and then go poop. Now it's nearly 10 a.m. and I still haven't pooped. Why do I do this to myself?

I keep getting the infamous "Could not connect to Saving and publishing may fail. Test connection now" thing at the bottom of the screen. That always makes my day.
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In My Head


I have a song in my head. And it's going nowhere, but it keeps circling there. I can't sing it. 'Cause I can't sing. But if I hum the tune maybe someone will write it down. It won't be me. I don't have time. But even so, the song is mine. Or maybe I stole the tune. But you can't prove it. No, you can't prove a thing.

No one comes by and the weather's cold and the sky is dark. I got a letter from an old friend. She's doing fine. Gonna have a baby. It's coming soon. But the daddy's got his demons. He ain't there. He's far away. Still she won't cry. She's done with that. She's starting over.

Maybe I'm not funny anymore? So much work to do but there's always more. I have a song. It's in my head. I can't sing it, but I know the tune. And most of the words. There might be more someday.

It's dark out now. And cold in here. But I don't care. There's things to do. And it's all so new. No one knows how. No one, not here. I'm on my own. I have nothing to fear. It'll pay someday. When it takes me away from here. To another town.

That's all there is. Not a very good song.
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A Me Me Meme that I stole from Kami

1] What is your middle name?
Tatar Salad

2] What color is your mailbox?
Lemonaide Blue

3] Are you available?
For what, a violent revolt against the PC Nazis? Sure. Dating? Not so much.

4] Have you ever hit a deer?
Hey, he hit me first. It was self-defense, dammit!

5] Do you have to drive over a bridge to get home?
Depends on whether you mean home to my house or home to my real home where I came from.

6] Do you get the paper delivered to your house in the morning?
Yes, and I'd appreciate if you'd stop letting your dog pee on it.

7] Who checks the mail in your house?
Whoever comes home first.

8] Do you have a small driveway?
It holds 4 full-sized cars or trucks. What do you classify as 'small'?

9] Do you know anyone with the same ringtone as you?
Yes, anyone with a Nokia phone that hasn't changed it yet.

10] What do you do first in the morning?

11] What brand is your printer?
HP, and just how is this exciting for you? Can we replace this question? Yes? Good, let's try again.

11] Have you ever shot at your neighbor or your neighbor's pet for any reason?
Yes, and I hit him, too. I was studying for finals one night and the neighbor's damn dog started barking at 2 freakin' a.m., so I shot him with an air rifle and shut him up. The preacher's dogs, 3 houses up were barking, too, but after I shot the first dog and pointed the rifle their way they shut up, too. I don't know if it was coincidence or if they actually realized what was going on. Either way, I had damn finals.

12] Do you enjoy fighting with people?
What, kickboxing? Or a real fight? I'm not into drama. In fact, I'll fight you to stop the drama sooner than I'd fight just to fight. Only white-trash and ghetto-queens fight for fun.

13] Is your hair naturally straight or curly?
Straight and flatter than your momma's ass.

14] Who was your kindergarten teacher?
Miss Adair, at Weatherly Baptist when I was 4 years old.

15] Are you taller than your mother?
Oh hell yes.

16] Do you have a favorite word?
No, but I have several words that I use too often and too quickly.

17] Are you God?
Does anyone really expect God to have a blog? Isn't being crucified for our sins enough?

18] What do you do to get over a broken heart?
Run and work out and never go home except just long enough to sleep.

19] Do you have a deep dark secret?
I don't know how deep or dark it is. I'm just not exciting enough compared to most people these days.

20] Do you enjoy writing in colored pens?
Writing? No. But I could do a nice portrait for you with some.

21] Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My back hurts from moving a lot of heavy stuff yesterday.

22] Do you often cry during a movie?
Yeah, when they chained that race car to the repaving machine they called "Betsy" and made him repave the road when he really needed to be in California practicing for the Piston Cup race, I just cried and cried. Poor race car, they just won't let you go!

23] Do you hate your life?
Can you call this a life? I don't know that you could.

24] Do you get mad easily?
Define 'mad'

25] What is your biggest pet peeve?
Man haters and screaming fanatics, but I repeat myself.

26] What is your away message?
I dunno. I'm away when it's up so I don't see it often.

27] Do any of your friends have kids?
Most of them.

28] Who should pay on the first date?
Anna Nicole

29] How many years older than you are you willing to date?
I don't know. I don't generally think of a number and then say "ooh, if only you were 3 months younger we could hook up."

30] Do you have any friends?

31] Do you have any mean friends?
Generally I find that mean people are not really your friends.

32] What is the ugliest color in your opinion?
Envy green.

33] Have you ever liked someone who all your friends couldn't stand?
I dated her. My friends were right, though.

34] Have you ever felt like driving off a cliff?
No, that would be a waste of a perfectly good car. Jumping maybe, but not driving.

35] Do you itch your ears?
I don't itch anything. I scratch parts of me when they itch, though. Ears included.

36] What brand are the pant/jeans you are wearing right now?

46] Do you like your dad?
My dad died several months ago. Leave it alone.

47] Do you have any TV shows on DVD?
My Name Is Earl, First Season

48] Are you wearing makeup?
No, unlike some in our Congress I am not "gender confused".

49]Do you have a tattoo?
Yeah, it says "Don't Tess with Mexas." I did it myself. I was a little drunk at the time.

50] Do you know how to draw?
Yes, I used to be good, but I haven't drawn anything in years.

51] Who is your hero?
Anyone who will stand up to those who say that hating white males is not hate, and take them to court over it. You, too, can be my hero.

52] Who did you last IM?
Melanie, my favorite Texas Spitfire

53] Do you work a lot of hours?
I work normal hours, but I am not making as much progress as I should.

54] What do you do when you are stressed out?
Either work out or surf the net. Lately the net has been winning.

55] Who was the last person to call you?
Bellsouth - those bitches won't stop harassing me.

56] Is there anything you regret?
Yes, several years' worth of anythings

57] Do you know where your family name originated from?
Wales - we were apparently slaves of King John of England, that bastard. I want REPARATIONS!

58] Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Yes, Courtney Love. She's just plain nasty.

59] What was the last thing you did for fun?
It's been too long. I can't remember.

60] Last time you cried?
I don't bother crying anymore. I just sit and stare at the things going on in the world and wonder how much longer.
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This is so touching; I'm holding back the tears...
See if you don't agree.

Are you tired of those sissy-ass "friendship" poems that always sound good, but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship:

1. When you are sad -- I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastards who made you sad.

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared -- I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words

7. When you are sick -- Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

9. This is my oath..... I pledge it to the end. "Why?" you may ask; "because you are my friend".

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.

Remember.......A good friend will help you move.....a REALLY good friend will help you move a body.......let me know if you ever need me to bring a shovel.

Friendship is like peeing in your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the true warmth!
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No God Allowed

no Jesus
Since the Pledge of Allegiance
The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most
public schools anymore
Because the word "God" is mentioned....
A student in Arizona wrote the following
new school prayer.


"Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, ORANGE or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all.

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's "inappropriate" to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such "judgments" do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!



Jesus said,

"If you are ashamed of me,

I will be ashamed of you before my Father."

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Wifeism XX - The Popballer

Texas vs KS

It was a bad game. A shot at the championship was on the line. Texas was predicted to win big. Until their starting quarterback went down at the start of the game. He was knocked out with a neck injury on their opening drive as he rammed the ball into the endzone headfirst on fourth and goal. The game was up for grabs.

My wife was watching it with me. When the game started she had plenty to say about Texas, not knowing who was who and who I was cheering for.

WIFE: Men shouldn't wear all white. They look so dumb. They look like they're dressed for a wedding or something.

Several minutes passed as I pondered her criticism of Texas' white uniforms. She went back to looking at a magazine. But then she started watching again.

WIFE: I just think the white is dumb. They look like something out of an old '60s science fiction movie. Those movies are gay.

Things got uglier. Kansas State smelled blood. They knew they had a shot with Texas missing their star quarterback. They went for it and managed to run up a good lead. And then Texas' starting center went down.

My wife saw him go down, but she didn't see what happened. So she asked me about it.

WIFE: What happened to the popballer?

ME: Huh? The what?

WIFE: The popballer.


ME: I don't know what you're asking.

WIFE: What happened to the popballer? The guy who pops the ball? What happened?

... BLINK BLINK ....

ME: You call the player who stands in front of the quarterback and hikes the ball to him the 'popballer'?

WIFE: It sounds right to me. He pops the ball to the quarterback. He's the popballer. Or Snatchballer. STOP LAUGHING AT ME! Is he not the popballer? Or the snatchballer?

ME: No.


At this point I was just being mean. I didn't want to tell her. I just couldn't believe that anyone could forget what a Center is and call it something as wild as "Popballer" or "Snatchballer", but I've known my wife long enough that I shouldn't have been so surprised. Finally I gave in.

ME: He's the center. He's called the center.

WIFE: The center?! That's a stupid name for him. He pops the ball to the quarterback. He snatches it to him. I think popballer or snatchballer makes a lot more sense.
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Veterans' Day

veterans day

Tomorrow is Veteran's Day.

Despite the claims by politicians and flower children, let's not forget who really preserves our freedom.
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The Return of The Steph


Once upon a time, not so long ago, in a galaxy just like this one, Memphis Steve was heard to whine and cry like a little girl because The Steph had shut down her blog and fled to the far reaches of MySpace, a place too horrible to mention here ever again.

But God, in His infinite wisdom, or maybe it was the other guy, has convinced Stephanie to return to the golden world of The Blog. Yes bitches, she's back. And I am damned happy about it. Go and say hello to may favorite porn star, Doctor Stephanie.
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Augh! Friday


There's no damned coffee and I'm dying. All week long I've survived on cold medicine and Kleenex. Now it's Friday, almost noon, and I'm falling out of my chair. I need coffee and I need it now. But there isn't any.

Oh hell, I just farted and I think it may have left a mark. Geez, I need to go to the bathroom and check. Don't you hate that feeling, as you walk all the way down the hall to the bathroom and aren't quite sure if you're just skidding up your draws as you go? What a nasty feeling. Shit.

I'm just catching it from both ends today. My head is a blur, my ass is all squishy, and I feel wobbly and tired. Augh!

OK, I just now discovered that if you mistype the word "this" then you get "shit". Isn't that awesome?

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FYF - Nancy's in the house!

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

We've just had our 2006 elections and things have changed quite dramatically.
The news, meanwhile, is as fucked up as ever:

U.N. says 2005 set greenhouse gas record

Great, no more gas crisis! Anyway, nothing the U.N. says carries any weight with anyone who’s paying attention.

Radio host fired over candidate insult

You KNOW he didn’t insult a Republican because no one ever gets fired for that. They get an Emmy instead.

Evangelist admits meth, massage, no sex

This is why Jesus instructed his followers to practice discernment and judge harshly those who claim to be good but do the opposite. While the antichristers mindlessly parrot “don’t judge” in order to escape justice for their crimes people of wisdom say “throw his ass OUT.”

Scientists track effects of negative ads

The study found that negative ads work, especially on people who don’t bother to find out what the issues are and where their candidates stand on them. I’m thinking people who don’t know shouldn’t be voting anyway. And besides, there'll be more than enough ballot-box stuffing to make up for their missing votes.

Girl Scouts go after parents they say failed to hand over cookie cash

They’ve established a special “Scout Court” where they drag in accused customers, declare them guilty, and then shackle them with 18 years of “Cookie Support” payments that critics say are outrageously high. I wonder where they came up with this idea? Oh wait, I think I know.

Study shows why the young may shun condoms

Probably because the punks fire off their load before they can even get them rolled all the way down.

Man finds letters to God at sea

I’ll bet God is really pissed at his mailman. “Where’s my mail?!”

"Misogynist" urinals flushed out to eBay

Pull out your dictionary and look up the word “misandrist”. Not there? Why the hell not?! Think about it.

Man posts sex offender photo on MySpace

Am I the only one reminded of the book “The Scarlet Letter” whenever someone does some shit like this?

Police say man used mower to cut slur

That’s very resourceful. And green. I just pour gasoline and light it. In fact, the U.N. claims that I’m responsible for the entire global warming scam, I mean, crisis.

Man hopes jail means no support payments

It doesn’t work that way. It’s called debtors prison for a reason and the longer you’re in the bigger your debt is declared to be. Theoretically, if they weren’t so keen on taking you for every cent they can, they’d keep you in indefinitely. Many men have been kept for years and years because they had no money. In fact, for most having no money was their only crime. You should have fled the country.

Voters reject South Dakota abortion ban

See, I told you so.

Voters reject abortion, gay marriage ban

The day before the election the headline said Tennessee rejected the gay marriage ban. Funny how it changed after Tennessee voters spoke 80 percent in support of it. Apparently they prefer to make up the news rather than report what actually happened.

Pelosi says Democrats are ready to lead

She said she is 'the speaker of the House, not just the speaker of the Democrats.' She’s under the impression that she’s received a mandate from the majority. She’s ready to rock and roll for her church of the San Fran Socialist Fanatics, which won’t do much to maintain the support Democrats received in this election, but might still provide enough push for her to impeach her way into the White House. If she isn’t careful she may be a bigger detriment to her party than the Republican party leaders have been to theirs, leading to a big reversal by voters 2 years from now. Make no mistake, she’s as wacky as anything to ever come out of Berkley and she’s all set to run storm troopers from one end of America to the other. This should be interesting, to say the least. I’ll be anxiously awaiting the circus to see how much The Media covers her ass and how much it just can’t manage to hide. Viciously partisan impeachment attempts should be starting up soon.

Wife pleads guilty to killing husband, whose remains were found along N.C. parkway

Fifty bucks says she’s out on parole, if not outright pardoned, within five years of this verdict. Watch the clowns dance. All the world is indeed a stage and our courts are just a circus.

Bush says disappointed with election results

No shit?

Democrat win may shift focus to U.S. middle class

Yes, the focus of new and higher taxes will shift to reaming out the middle class. We knew that already.

Business on defensive as Dems win in US elections

Socialism is generally bad for business, no matter how you voted. Any party that loves Fidel Castro can’t be a friend of business. Layoffs, taxes, inflation, oh my! Layoffs, taxes, inflation, oh my! Brace yourselves, it looks like rain.

Bush, Nancy Pelosi try to reconcile

Like John and Lorena Bobbitt, this romance will end the same way.

France tests new long-range missile

It’s called the FIFI and it’s fashionable and pink, but not very accurate.

Houston landscaper accused of bigotry

I’m sorry. I was under the impression that everyone in the United States had a right to their own views and beliefs. Even so, putting this sort of thing into writing was a mistake. Now they're going to burn down your business and nail you to a cross while simultaneously handing out their "women and minority owned business" directories to encourage others to do exactly what you just did, but with PC government approval.

Mass. gay marriage debate begins again

Of course it does. Didn’t I say last week that they’d do this as soon as the Democrats had all been elected and were no longer threatened by it as a campaign issue? Told you so.

Russia, China plan joint space projects

Look at that! The very next day after Nancy Pelosi and company took over our most deadly enemies announce their plans for a joint military space program. What do you suppose it means?

Virginal woman may pick up "bad" vaginal bacteria

Why is the word “bad” in quotation marks? Is it part of some sort of quote? Is it to show sarcasm? Is it the opinion of the writer that an infection of the vajayjay isn’t really bad, but only drawn that way? WTF?!

Agent Orange exposure tied to ills in Vietnam vets

What is this, 1972? How did this become a story again? Do you not even know what fucking year this is?

Wrongfully convicted man awarded $450K

He was wrongfully convicted of raping a 13-year-old girl and sent to prison back in 1985. DNA evidence has shown him to be completely innocent. Even so, I’ll bet they’ll keep him on the sex offender registry and continue to post his name, address, and photo all over the internet and the news. Eventually, someone will probably kill him.

Cuba gloats over U.N. vote, U.S. Republican losses

Sometimes you can learn as much about someone by who their friends are as anything else.

U.N.: Lack of sanitation has human cost

The civilized world figured this out over 2000 years ago, but the UN is only just now discovering it. Fabulous!

Man uses bug story to make women disrobe

Please tell me this story!

Cost of children rising faster than house prices

That’s because the socialists have politicized education, forcing all good parents to send their children to private schools or home school them.

Irish police baton-charge Shell protesters

Frosted Lucky Charms, they’re magically delicious! Sorry, that’s the imagery in my head as I read this. I'm picturing a bunch of guys in green suits and hats running around wacking one another and shouting "blimey!"

Dumped by text? Britney's ex joins growing club

Britney dumped Kevin by text? What a chickenshit!

Political winds shift for 2008 White House race

Eeeeee heh heh heh! I'll get you, my Pretty, and your little dog, Toto, too!
Like farting into a fan, Nancy Pelosi has thrown a stink into Hillary’s carefully laid plans. Tune in tomorrow as Nancy and Hillary fight over who is their baby’s daddy and which of them is the real mother!

Brit burns bum with firecracker

This British soldier just got back from Iraq, only to get drunk and stick explosives up his own ass. Poor guy will never fart again.

on notice vajayjay
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