1.The phone rings. Who do you want it to be?
Carmen Electra or Heather Graham, inviting me to come over and swim naked in their pool.
2. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
No, I throw it in the back of my truck and take it home. Whenever a homeless person comes by begging for a handout I pull out a cart and give it to them. I always feel bad if I have to send them away empty-handed.
3. In a social setting, are you more of a talker or a listener?
It depends on how well I know the people around me. If they all know me then I just say nothing because any friend of mine should read my damn blog and already know what's on my mind. But if they are all strangers and especially if any of them are hot women I talk a lot, and when I do I lie like crazy and claim I'm a doctor or a lawyer or just plain rich and watch as the ladies' eyes sparkle.
4. Do you take compliments well?
If they come with money attached I do. Seriously, compliments are few and far between so I take them any way I can get them.
5. Are you an active person?
Lately I am much less active than I need to be. If I can get my truck back from the mechanic (third one to tackle my clutch this year) then I am going home for lunch and run 3 or 4 miles. Unless it rains, in which case I'll have to go the Gym-That-I-Hate and pay to work out there.
6. If abandoned alone in the wilderness, do you survive?
Yes, I eat beavers until I am rescued.
7. Do you like to ride horses?
Sure, but I haven't in awhile. I like riding motorcycles through the woods better though.
8. Did you ever go to camp as a kid?
Yes, 2 years in a row. I wrote a play each year for the competition and we were a hit. There is nothing I like better than spouting off lines I wrote myself in front of a live audience and finding an excuse to drag three toilets up on stage and have guys sit on them while singing "Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work we go". One of my plays was Snow What and the Seven Plumbers. I was the Evil Queen.
9. What was your favorite game as a kid?
I played basketball and soccer and always wanted to play football. Pick any of those.
10. If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was married would you?
How sexy and who is she and what specifically is she wanting from me?
11. Are you judgmental?
I am the same as I always was, but society's opinion of what qualifies as judgemental keeps changing because they are a bunch of wishy-washy bitches who can't make up their minds. How's that for judgemental?
12. Could you date someone with different religious beliefs than you?
I already did.
13. Do you like to pursue or be pursued?
It's usually easier to pursue. You can just hang back and when they have to slow to make a turn you just lightly tap their rear bumper and make them spin out.
14. Use three words to describe yourself:
Nude Memphis Steve
15. If you had to choose, would you rather be deaf or blind?
What?
16. Are you continuing your education?
Constantly, but I'm not going fast enough. I just can't get motivated to go to the University of Memphis campus. I've been before, but I don't want to go back. If I ever move home again I'll be signing up for classes there for sure, though, which is ironic because the University of Memphis is super easy compared to the university that I graduated from. If I were going to get an easy masters I should do it here, but I just don't want to. I'll probably regret that one day.
17. Do you know how to shoot a gun?
Yes, now hand over your wallet.
18. If your house was on fire, what would be the first thing you tried to save?
It would depend on whether anyone was inside or not.
19. How often do you read books?
Often, but most of them are about my job so that may not count in some circles.
20. Do you think more about the past, present or future?
All of them about the same. The past is important to understanding both the present and the future. But you can't very well predict the future without knowing where things are in the present.
21. What is your favorite children's book?
"Cherry Rides The Shiny Silver Pole"
22. Have you kissed any of your Blog friends?
I can't think of any that I've ever kissed.
23. How tall are you?
6' and not getting any taller
24. Where is your ideal house located?
I haven't built it yet.
25. Boxers, briefs, thongs, panties, or grannies?
I'll be in the briefs, but you can wear a thong if you like.
26. Last person you talked to?
Kristen just came in to ask me about my business cards. She's gorgeous, but I don't think she's very comfortable around me. Then again, I fart a lot and I have coffee breath while I'm at work so that's probably part of the reason. Also, I look at her with those "holy shit, you're beautiful" eyes that people get when they're dazzled by someone, so I'm sure that doesn't exactly make her want to move in and share a desk with me.
27. Have you ever taken pictures in a photo booth?
Not with my clothes on.
28. When was the last time you were at Olive Garden?
Long time. Why? You wanting me to take you out? I expect to be wined and dined before I'll put out.
29. What are your keys on your key chain for?
Locks
30. Where was the furthest place you traveled today?
10 minutes to work. YeeeeeeeHA
31. Where is your current pain at?
My clutch in my truck
32. Do you like mustard?
Yes, but she says the spicey stuff burns her sensitive parts so we only use regular mustard
33. Do you prefer to sleep or eat?
I can always get enough food, but sleep is hard to come by.
34. Do you look like your mom or dad?
At my dad's funeral all his old friends said I looked just like him. Damn those fuckers.
35. How long does it take you in the shower?
To do what? Just because I have to wash that area from time to time doesn't mean I'm ... just shut up.
36. Can you do a split?
Not on purpose.
37. What movie do you want to see right now?
Something where they kill Julia Roberts, Charlize Theron, Whoopie Goldberg, Rosie O'Donnell, Jennifier Lopez, and Oprah, all in the first 10 minutes. Can we get someone to make a movie like that?
38. Do you put lotion on your dog or cats?
No, duct tape and Christmas bells.
39. What did you do for New Year's?
I can't remember, but I don't think it was anything fun.
40. Do you think "The Grudge" was scary?
Are you talking about Nancy Pelosi and friends or what? What is "the grudge"?
41. What was the cause of your last accident?
A woman not paying attention, apparently. She reminded me of why I used to always drive big old American cars. That hurt like hell.
42. How much money do you have on you right now?
Hundreds if you count the check I haven't deposited. Now that I think about it, I can't remember what the check was for.
43. What are you drinking?
Black coffee
44. Was your mom a cheerleader?
No, I was. U-A-H - Gooooooo BLUE! Yeah, you probably think I'm kidding.
45. What's the last letter of your middle name?
"7"
46. Who did you vote for on American Idol?
Vote for Pedro
47. How many hours of sleep do you get a night?
6 or 7 most nights, but this week I'm having trouble falling asleep.
48. Do you like Carebears?
For badminton maybe.
49. What do you buy at the movies?
Drugs and prostitutes. Oh wait, I wasn't supposed to tell anyone about that.
50. Do you know how to play poker?
Yes, it's simple. A man and a woman get naked together and then he just use his ace to poker.
51. Do you wear your seat belt?
Yes, and yours too.
52. What do you wear to sleep?
I wrap my body in Playboy centerfolds and sleep like a log.
53. Anything big ever happen in your hometown?
Um, Space Shuttle. When it blew up they passed the blame around and around until, predictably, they tried to lay it on us. Up until then when they talked about who built it they always ignored us, but once the damn thing exploded suddenly they remembered. Isn't that always the way?
54. How many meals do you eat a day?
Three
55. Is your tongue pierced?
Why don't you let me lick you and see if you can guess?
56. Do you trust the news reported by the local paper?
No, why would I do that? People who believe in making the personal political and the political personal don't bother with little things like The Truth. Since the majority of newspaper owners have embraced that whole philosophy it can be hard to find news you can trust.
57. What's you favorite NFL team?
Cowboys, Chiefs, sometimes Titans. Hey, THEY have backup players. I have backup teams. What's the problem with that?
58. Do you like funny or serious people better?
Funny people are more fun, obviously.
59. Ever been to Vegas?
No, but I almost had a job there.
60. Did you eat a cookie today?
No, but if you want one we have them at home. Look on top of the fridge in the Tupperware thing.
61. Do you use cuss words in other languages?
Not often and not on purpose
62. Do you steal or pay for your music downloads?
I haven't downloaded any music in awhile.
63. Do you hate chocolate?
No, do you hate sex? What a dumb question.
64. What do you and your parents fight about the most?
I don't live anywhere near them. We don't fight.
65. Is anyone mad at or irritated with you right now?
Always. I'm a white male. Don't you know that I'm to blame for everything?
66. Do you open presents on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day?
My lump of coal doesn't arrive until Christmas day.
67. What's your favorite preparation for eggs?
Unfertilized until we're married
68. If you could have any job (assuming you have the skills) what would it be?
Richest man in the world
69. Are you easy to get along with?
That depends on how often you piss me off
70. What is your favorite time of day?
I honestly don't have a favorite anymore. Something needs to change.
71. Who was your best girlfriend/boyfriend?
Not going there
72. Who do you hate?
People who hate me just because I exist, people who hate me because of my blog, people whose blogs are funnier than mine, people who park halfway into my space, people who get paid to play video games and blog about it, and finally, people who are just all around better than me in every possible way. Not that I'm jealous or anything. It's complicated. No it isn't.
73. Would ever date your first love again?
Um, my first love was when I was 5 years old and we never dated. I'd say "I love you" and she'd say "ew, shut up!" Now that I think about it, nothing has really changed since then.
74. Do you have a girlfriend/boyfriend?
I generally make it a practice not to date anyone who could be described as both girlfriend and boyfriend. I realize we're all supposed to be "gender neutral" these days, but I'm not.
75. Current mood?
Tired and stressed
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