Today is our Halloween party at my work. Our team, all engineers, agreed on a single theme for us. After watching a video of some college students running around a computer lab dressed as PacMan characters, we decided that we would do this, too.

So today, all day, I am running up and down the halls of my workplace dressed as a PacMan ghost. We have already made two runs and boy am I tired. But it's a riot to see the reactions of the people who haven't seen us yet and aren't expecting it.

Happy Halloween!
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courtney love
"I'm not just a psycho. I also sing very badly."

I read that one of every ten people are sociopaths of varying degrees. In my life, just thinking quickly, I can come up with several sociopaths I've known.

One is a relative whom I won't mention by name.

One was a "coworker" at a Memphis-based express shipping company, named Robbie.

One was a girl I met at college, named Angie, who occasionally visited the Sunday School class at my church and also came to the Baptist Student Union every now and then. We didn't know it at the time, but she only came to spread lies about everyone who was ever nice to her. She was a big drama queen, doing all she could to draw attention and sympathy to herself. She nearly got a guy at the BSU killed by telling lies about him beating his girlfriend.

That was her favorite lie. "He's beating her."

She'd come in acting all upset when her target wasn't around and ask people to pray for this "friend" they all knew. She'd act upset but insist she couldn't say why we needed to pray for them. She'd let you ask her what was wrong a few times to make it seem as if you had to drag the information out of her. Then she'd say, "don't tell anyone this, but ... but ... he's beating her."

Whoop, there it is.

She did this over and over and over to a bunch of people. Most of the people she did it to never even knew why suddenly all their friends started to avoid them or be even mean to them. Of course, it was the guys they were all mean to. The girls they treated as if they were a terminal cancer patient. And most of the time she was doing it to guys she barely knew who just happened to be dating girls she was mad at for one reason or another. Usually she was mad at her girl"friend" just because she felt the girl hadn't been paying enough attention to her. As far as Angie was concerned, EVERYTHING was about her.

She tried to blackmail my fiancee at the time, Tiffany, by threatening to tell lies about her if Tiffany didn't spend more time with her.

Tiffany and I broke up not long after that. She left me for a guy she met at work named Ryan. A few weeks after she'd left me I met a girl named Anna and asked her out. She said she'd go. I was so excited. I liked Anna a lot.

Angie had heard that Tiffany had dumped me for some other guy. She was apparently mad at me because I had been dating Tiffany when Tiffany "neglected" her. So Angie went to Anna and told her that Tiffany had broken up with me because I beat her. Anna didn't know me all that well and she barely knew Angie at all, so she had no idea what to believe. She broke off the date and hid from me every time she saw me coming. Suddenly she was terrified of me and I had no idea why.

Meanwhile, Angie came to me, seeing how upset and confused I was, and told me that I needed to pray for Tiffany. It was so horrible. Oh, but she can't tell me why. Just please pray for her. I was already in an emotional hurricane so I fell right into it. I got upset and demanded to know what was wrong with Tiffany. Angie lied and told me that Tiffany's new boyfriend, Ryan, was beating her. This was before I knew that she had told the same lie about me to Anna and about several others, so I fell for it completely. I started to head straight out the door to kill Ryan.

In my defense, Ryan did turn out to be a total dick, as Tiffany later told me, but he wasn't beating anyone and neither had I.

Rodney, the BSU president, tried to stop me from going to kill him.

"Steve, it isn't worth it." Rodney said. He argued with me for a long time. Then I told him why I was so mad.

"Angie says that bastard is beating Tiffany." Rodney immediately changed his mind.

"I'll drive." he said.

As we were about to head out and murder the dickhead that my fiancee had dumped me for, all over a complete lie Angie had told us, I suddenly began remembering all the other lies Angie had told that I knew about, which was only a tiny portion of all she had done. At this point I knew about a lot of her lies, but not the "he's beating her" scam.

Still, Angie was that good at her crimes. She had lied her ass off in front of me in the past and I had seen it, but she played me on this one and I fell for it even knowing what a lying, manipulative bitch she was. I almost killed Ryan the Camaro-driving shithead for something he didn't even do.

Later that night I called Tiffany and asked her flat out about Angie's claim that Ryan was beating her. Tiffany was furious. Tiffany called Angie. She told Angie, "if you don't shut up about me and my friends I'll tell everyone you know that you're living with your boyfriend and that last week you were in a panic because you thought you might be pregnant, you fat whore."

Angie truly was a fat whore, by the way, and everything Tiffany had threatened to tell about Angie was all true. It did the trick. Angie shut up. But only for a short while.

A true sociopath can't stop playing their game for very long, no matter what the risk to their own lives. It's just something they 'have' to do. Hurting people is what they live for.

Angie is incredibly evil. She never stopped, she just moved from place to place, hurting people all along the way. I wouldn't be surprised if she works for the government now, drawn to power like a fly to shit, probably in the courts being paid tax money for "advising" judges and cops on divorces or domestic violence cases. I'd bet money on it. She's a twisted evil person and a typical sociopath.

One of every ten people, eh? I don't know. I've met quite a few, but that still sounds a little high to me. Then again, there are a lot of feminists, Marxists, and Maoists in the world, destroying lives while crying "this is for social justice" as if hate is not hate if you just market it well enough. There's certainly no shortage of CEOs and human resources specialists. Certainly many of the sociopaths are clustered together in our large and infamously fanatical universities. And they are certainly drawn to Washington D.C. And let's not forget the federal courts. Maybe the ones that don't work for our oversized government all work for Disney or ESPN, forcing the men there to say "women and men" just to feed their already oversized narcissistic egos? Who can say? One or two might be sitting next to you every day at work or in your home and you don't even know it yet. But one way or another you'll eventually find out, whether you like it or not.


Happy Halloween!

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Why Dogs Bite People II

Happy Halloween
Please have mercy on your pets and don't do this.

I want to hump your leg!

Charlotte's Web never felt so wrong.

The Great Pumpkin?

Pooh and Piglet

Oh, Captain Smith, let's run away together!

I've got to find the Black Pearl!

If you want my body and you think I'm sexy come on baby tell me so!

Grandma, what big teeth you have!

My kingdom for a horse!

Where's the Crocodile Hunter? We've got a situation here.

I can put your fire out, with or without this hose

Nip it in the bud!

Me so horny!


Day-o, Day-o
Daylight come and me want go home
Day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day, me say day-o
Daylight come, and me want go . . .
Work all night on a drink of rum!
(Daylight come and me want go home)
Stack banana 'till the morning come!
(Daylight come and me want go home)
Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana
(Daylight come and me want go home)
Come Mr. Tally Man, tally me banana
(Daylight come and me want go home)
Lift 6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch!
(Daylight come and me want go home)
6 foot, 7 foot, 8 foot bunch!
(Daylight come and me want go home)

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FYF - Random Madness

witch tree

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

These are almost certainly not the top stories.
They're just stories that made me blurt out a comment 'cause I couldn't help myself.

And now, the Nude Memphis news:

Whites appealed Katrina insurance more

This is an interesting article. Basically it says that when the insurance companies screwed over the homeowners the middle class whites fought back, but the lower class blacks didn’t. The insurance industry even made special efforts for blacks only to tell them about all their options. But it didn’t help. So this, of course, is Whitey’s fault somehow.

Sony apologizes for battery recall

That’s OK. I quit buying their shit a long time ago anyway. There's been something funky going on at Sony for awhile now.

U.S. limits on same-sex schools to ease

So the destruction of VMI and the Citadel was all just a big joke? And of course the New York Girl’s Leadership School has been rolling merrily along since right after they tore those schools to pieces, without a hint of government action to make the New York Grrlz stop discriminating against boys. In fact, there’s five of those schools despite being illegal up until this ruling. Oh well, at least this means there is a possibility that somewhere some boys might get a decent education. Lord knows they aren’t getting it in any public schools now. Unless they show up in a dress.

Independents breaking toward Democrats, poll says

I have this Who song rolling around in my head, “people forget.” Pete Townsend has a horrible singing voice, but it’s a fun song anyway.

Wal-Mart plans aggressive holiday electronics push

What holiday would that be for exactly? Do people buy a lot of electronics for Thanksgiving or Halloween? Maybe it's Ramadan?

Chinese river mysteriously turns red

Then I guess they shouldn’t be calling it the Yellow River anymore, should they?

Judge stays execution for ex-cult leader who claims obesity will interfere with death

His fatness will interfere with his death? No, it won’t. Not if you’re doing it right, it won’t. Here, let me show you.

Cultural body seeks S.Africa law for male circumcision

I thought genital mutilation was outlawed? Oh wait, that’s only for …. say it with me now … wo/men.

Hemorrhoids treated by stapling likely to return

Does your ass hurt? Here, let me shoot it with a staplegun and see if that doesn’t fix it.

Two drinks daily help men avoid heart attack: study

Well, if two is good, four must be better, right? Shots all around!

Study: Vegetables may keep brains young

I thought when you're a vegetable it means your brain is totally useless. So are they saying that young people are totally useless? That’s kind of mean, don’t you think? And not true, either. College girls are hot.

Alabama candidate campaigns on cleavage

She’s the Libertarian candidate and so, in addition to making some really great points, she also flashes her boobs and sells t-shirts with slogans relating to her boobs. And we wonder why the Libertarians never win.

Man, 68, teaches teen robbers a lesson

He beat their asses, kind of like we just did to the Taliban and Saddam Hussein. Why is this type of lesson so hard to understand? Sometimes you just have to act like a man to stop getting robbed.

Tenn. fire chief charged with arson

You know, every time there’s a fire HE’S THERE!!!

NJ court stops short of gay marriage OK

Until AFTER the election ‘cause Democrats are looking likely to take control as long as no one rocks their rainbow boat.

Weight gain means lower gas mileage

Is this hard to figure out? Do we need a news article to tell us this? Here’s the bottom line, if your bottom line is big and fat then your car is hauling the equivalent of two or three people everywhere you go. Consequently, you will not get as good gas mileage as you would have gotten had you not eaten all those Twinkies.

A very lost manatee is chilly in Memphis

He probably got mugged and anally raped, too, before rescuers got him the heck out of here. Oh wait, this is Memphis. He’s been here three days and they still haven’t done anything for him. I guess they expect him to take the bus home?

Guess who isn't having as much sex as you thought


Man paints bridge pink without approval

Pardon me, but what a fag. What a Nancy boy. What a puss. Normal men paint “AC/DC” or “Sid Vicious Lives” or something like that. This fruitcake painted it pink. Geez. Are there no real men left in the world?

Toddler gets stuck in vending machine

How much for the child? I have a dollar. Shall I use the claw to get him? So much cheaper than adoption. America is great country!

U.S. death toll in Iraq worst in a year

Did you know that we lost more men in a single day during the War Between the States than we’ve lost in the entire Iraq war? I found that out yesterday and I thought it was interesting. What a nation of poofs we’ve become. I swear, the wives of our men in combat are braver and stronger than the so-called men in our media. Hell, the children of any soldier in Iraq right now probably are, too.

Home price drop is largest in 35 years

That’s because the prices were so fuckin’ inflated over the past few years. This is what’s known as a “correction” and it’s long overdue. For those of us looking to sell it sucks. But for those of us looking to buy it’s great. And for those of us who have to sell one in order to buy another it’s something of a wash. For those not planning to move for a long time it means lower property tax bills each year.

In Brazil's election, the gay vote counts

It counts in New York City and San Francisco, too. And have you heard about the water in the D.C. area neutering all of our male politicians while turning our female politicians into screaming Barbara Streisands? Anyone besides me remember the story about the kingdom where a witch poisoned the well and once everyone was poisoned and crazy they suddenly thought their sane king was crazy until he drank from the well and went crazy, too? That was a good story. Anyone been to Carnival lately?

Ore. church set on fire during service

See, this is the sort of thing that shows me just how often I’m unwilling to “turn the other cheek” ‘cause I would so be beating the living shit out of this guy before he ever even got the match lit. I might never be invited back to that church again, but secretly all the women there would love me ‘cause I was the only man in the place with enough balls to pound that fucker. And besides, I don’t think this scenario is what Jesus was talking about in the first place.

Actors, athletes to be in stem-cell ad

This whole thing is a testament to Americans’ declining attention spans. The issue is not general stem cell research. The issue is specifically “embryonic stem cell” research. But when you're a less than honorable person you prefer to muddy the waters as much as possible and cover your real goals with shining faces to help it sell. I don’t care where you stand on this issue. I just hate when political players try to sell their goals by confusing and deceiving people. If you have to lie about it then chances are you’re probably wrong or an asshole looking to make some serious money at taxpayer expense. Often it’s both. Be straight with me if you want my support, you know what I mean?

Lucy fossil not coming to Smithsonian

No one is too upset about it. Linus is coming instead. Most people like Linus better anyway. Lucy was always a bitch. I hear she’s a senator now.

Poll: Middle class voters abandoning GOP

No, no, you got that backwards

Where the living share space with the dead

The Supreme Court? Congress? ABC?

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Dear UPS

UPS driver

Dear UPS,

My house is located on a street that your driver apparently does not like. Our front door faces the road that our mailbox is located on. This street is considered to be our "address". Our driveway, on the other hand, comes out onto another street that intersects with the street upon which we live.

Your driver, whenever he has a package for our "address", refuses to set foot or tires onto the street that we live on, much like Jack Nicholson's character in that movie he made with Helen Hunt in the wet T-shirt and later totally nude while the gay guy drew her. I'm sure you know what movie I mean. He was neurotic and refused to step on cracks. He was also rude and selfish and generally pissed people off.

Your driver is just like this. He refuses to deliver to our street and he is pissing me off.

You see, your driver, by refusing to set foot or wheels onto our street, has to find some other way to deliver our packages without ever going to the front of the house if he is to fully and properly avoid the street he seems so fearful of.

So, rather than going around to the front of the house where packages could be placed safely and under cover during bad weather, your driver walks up our driveway and throws the package between the bumper of the giant yellow car parked there and the garage door. When we come home we don't see the package because of the giant yellow car, so we don't receive it. Meanwhile, the package, not being under cover of anything, sits out in the rain for several days, eventually turning into a brown pile of mush which is useless to us and of no value whatever.

Eventually we find the fossilized remains of the package, usually after a long fight with the company who shipped it and who doesn't feel the need to give us a refund because your records show that you delivered the package to us, when in fact, you did not.

I need for you to ask your neurotic undermedicated driver to stay out of our driveway and instead take the package around to the front of our house. You can't miss the front of our house. It has this big black thing jutting out from the roof with several white pillars leading down from the black thing to the ground below. It looks sort of like a room without any walls. We call this a "porch".

If you would be so kind as to instruct your driver to place all packages addressed to us on our "porch" instead of throwing it in the driveway, halfway under the bumper of the car in the oil and grease on the concrete there, and fully exposed to the rain and snow, this would be very helpful.

Alternatively, we can begin throwing the soggy disasters that he creates in our driveway at him whenever we see him and then beat him to death before burning and looting his truck.

Either way works for us. Just please let us know.


Memphis Steve
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My Dysfunctional Family - part I - The Squirrel Hunter

You fucker!

My dad used to hunt squirrels, but not for the meat. I mean, our dog who helped him tree the squirrels loved the meat, but there was no cooking involved.

Dad hunted them because they raided his peacan trees (that's pronounced "pickahn" and NOT "pee-can" as some Yankees insist we say down in the South, but don't.)

One time Dad decided to start sending me up the trees to dump the squirrel's nests. He knew the squirrels were in there, but he couldn't get a clear shot. So up I'd go to dump those nests way up in the tree and send the squirrels running. Dad would shoot at them while I was still up in the tree, now all covered in squirrel pee because that's how squirrels hold their nests together.

They pile up a bunch of leaves in the crook of a tree and pee all over them before tramping them down with their feet. So when you dump their nests the pee all comes out all over you, while your father is shooting at you.

Yeah, good times.
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TMI Tuesday #54

OK, Tequila Girl was playing, and Lil Deb was playing, and Spitfire was playing, and Le Chat Qui A Peur was playing, so call me weak. Call me pathetic. Call me Ethel. I don't care what you call me, but I'm playing too.

Here we go with TMI...

1. How long have you known your closest current friend? (The one you see or talk to the most not necessarily your bestest goodest friend from grade school.)
I don't know who I would even say is my closest current friend. Living in Memphis and being so isolated I guess my closest current friend is My Wife. We've known each other for 13 years. And somehow we haven't ever killed each other.

2. My Heritage has a cool little toy that tells you which celebrity you most resemble. With or without the help of My Heritage, who do you most resemble?
According to My Heritage I look like a bunch of people I don't know. One of them is a little girl, which I think is awfully strange. One is Richard Gere, which I know why they compared me to him. Someone once said I looked like Orlando Bloom, and since I know who he is and he's rich and he didn't cheat on Cindy Crawford like Richard did I'll go with that.

3. Name 5 things an unplanned (or planned) visitor would find in your bedroom?
Big bed with douve cover (I have no clue how you spell it.)
.357 (well-used)
Cat sneaking around, who will frantically run out as soon as she sees you
Fancy end tables and dresser that all match the big sleigh bed

4. What is your favorite TV or movie sex scene?
Jaqueline Bisset hanging off the end of the bed in "Secrets" while moaning

5. If your life was a movie what would be your most memorable sex scene? (And your first time doesn't count unless that was as good as it has ever been.)
Ex-girlfriend and me on a gigantic bed while my mom was upstairs all pissy about the creaking and moaning.
Alternatively, different ex-girlfriend and me on the floor because she was too impatient to get up on the bed and also the floor didn't creak and I was on the bottom anyway.

Bonus (as in optional): Share something that very few people know about you.
I come from one of the most dysfunctional families of anyone I've ever known, and apparently nothing has really changed in all these years.

Oh, and here is something for your entertainment. I stole this from Stacy the Peanut Queen. It comes as no surprise to me:

LogoThere are:
people with my name
in the U.S.A.

How many have your name?

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Curse of the Windshield Wipers - part II

Those devious bastards did it to me again. And apparently they read my blog, too. Fuckers. I went out to my truck this morning, having loaded the BananaWagon with junk from My Father's workshop over the weekend and now unable to drive it, and I saw that the windshield was covered in frost.

"Is it ice or just condensation?" I wondered curiously to myself and the children sitting on the curb nearby waiting for the schoolbus.

"We have no fucking idea," the children answered.

"I'm an intelligent man," I lied to myself and the children. "I'll check first."

I ran my hand across the glass on the driver's side. It was just pure water.

"Ah, this means I can run my wipers to clear it off instead of having to scrapey scrapey*," I enunciated.

"Good for you," the children encouraged apathetically, lighting a cigarette as they did so.

I sat in my truck, started the engine, and immediately cursed as it nearly stalled out. "Bastard mechanic adjusted my idle too low" I reminded myself, having forgotten to fix it last weekend as I was out of town.

I pushed the gas on my truck, bringing the engine idle up to speed to prevent it from stalling. And then I turned on the wipers.

The driver's side wiper slid smoothly across the condensation, clearing it away without a problem.


The passenger's side wiper was another story.

"MotherFUCK" I shouted intelligently to myself and the smoking toddlers awaiting the short bus.

Apparently just the driver's side of my windshield was safe for wiping. The passenger side of my windshield was frozen solid. The wipers had set a trap and I had fallen right into it!

Those devious bastards!

* Another pointless reference to a movie some of my friends made back in college involving a mad serial killer murdering people with a windshield scraper.
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I Don't Need No Arms Around Me

When I was in high school I ran track and cross country. My junior year various things occurred, including my getting injured for what seemed like the one billionth time, and I reluctantly dropped out of running. This put me in regular P.E. as a result of dropping from the team. So I signed up for a full year of weightlifting.

Weightlifting gave me an entirely new group of friends. Among them was a full-blooded Norwegian wrestler and gymnast. He was a blonde-haired, white-skinned, soccer-playing, gymnastic, bitter atheist, from a blonde-haired, physically impressive, gymnastic family.

We lifted roughly the same amounts on almost every exercise, so it made sense for us to become workout partners, since we didn't need to add or remove weights very often when switching between us to do our exercises.

We lifted weights together in high school for 2 years before both ending up at the local college, in Rocketown, which we referred to as the University of Absolute Hell. We continued lifting weights together, and I got to know all about his family along the way, just as he did mine.

Eventually, he bought a weight set and had it all set up in his room, which was the entire downstairs of his family's split-level house. So several nights, if I wasn't in class or at the student center of whatever, I was at his house lifting weights.

He had an older brother and 2 beautiful blonde older sisters. His brother had at his peak been much stronger than either of us were. But he had long since gotten married and had kids, with the resulting loss of muscle-mass and strength that comes with being a full-time father and husband instead of a gym rat. His younger sister was a beautiful girl who looked a lot like Pamela Anderson and who enjoyed a tremendous amount of positive attention from men. She was hot and she liked it. She was also very nice.

His middle sister had frequent fights with him whenever she was home. She had become a feminist, hating men, and made a habit of dating only black men, as one of the foundational beliefs of modern feminism is that white European males (as opposed to white Jewish males) are the source of all evil in the world and must be utterly destroyed. So dating black men is considered an acceptable alternative to lesbianism. If this sounds a lot like Nazi fascism it's because it is.

She was bitter and angry. So was he. They each had their reasons. And they had some big fights. The most common fight I recall would begin with her making some bitter, disparaging remark about men in general. He would respond with something equally insulting. Then she would begin complaining that all the men she dated physically abused her. At this, my workout partner would shout, "that's because you only date damn n-ggers!"

This remark would really hit a nerve. And then the fight would really heat up.

There was a lot of anger in this physically fit household, for various reasons, and sometimes it resulted in your standard family battles. If my own home were any better, or even as good, I would have been there lifting weights instead of at his house. My father had a very large set of weights and plenty of room for lifting them. But I rarely went home.

Now, getting to my workout partner's specific remark. Over time, his sister mellowed, and eventually married a generic white man before moving to Seattle.

Fast forward about 10 years. My former workout partner and I live in different cities. I live in Memphis. He still lives in Rocketown. We keep in touch sporadically via email, mostly just sending jokes to each other, as there is nothing much to say about our daily lives. He races motorcycles. I play soccer.

But one day his emails changed. He began sending out prayer requests and Bible verses. Gradually I learn that he had joined a church, became a Christian, started dating. He was a new man.

Another year or so and I learn that he had married his girlfriend. He is happy, perhaps for the first time ever since I've known him. I'm happy for him. His life is good.

One day he and his wife came to Memphis. He wanted to buy my electric guitar. And he wanted to show her around Memphis.

I worked downtown at the time, so I agreed to meet up with them on Beale Street before heading home to get My Wife. We were supposed to go out to eat together, the four of us. I ran across them in front of B.B. King's. He and his wife were standing there, looking around at the sites of Memphis.

His wife is tall. She is beautiful. She has a nice big, friendly smile on her face. And she is black.

Ain't love funny?
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FYF - Headline News As I See It

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

These may not be the top stories, but they're the top stories that I felt interested enough in to comment on.

And now, the news:

Blogger Is Hosed Again

OK, once again people who come by are not seeing new posts unless they hit "Refresh" on their browsers. So they come, they look, they see nothing new even though it is here, and they leave. I only know this because I just went over to The Kept Woman's blog for the 10th time in a row only to find nothing new since Tuesday, just like has been happening all week. But then I, being a genius, thought to hit "Refresh" and lo and behold, a whole week's worth of blog posts magically appeared. This is a big problem. This is a problem for everyone because it keeps people from even seeing what you've written even though they are at your blog and trying to find it. Fuck the Blogger and not just because it's Friday.

U.N. says most members lack domestic violence laws

Actually, what it says is that most nations lack laws promoting the view that any time a woman, even a vicious, violent, psychotic woman, is involved in any sort of dispute with a male it is entirely the male’s fault in every single case and he should be arrested and ruined in the courts where he is presumed guilty in all circumstances and imprisoned, even if he is the victim.

Commuters facing longer, lonelier rides

Not me, bi/otches! Ten minutes and I’m there. No more forty five minute long drive through Crazy Cordova to work for a cheap-assed bank that misallocates money for loans and generally has a perpetual party in the offices of the upper management while the workers slave away for lousy pay.

Brother of Saddam prosecutor is killed

Why can’t someone kill the brother of the Duke University prosecutor? Surely that would make more sense. Sometimes I wish we were meaner here in America. We just take so much shit and never do anything about it. Now watch something happen to that asshole’s brother and the FBI, ever anxious to arrest a white male between 20 and 40, comes and serves a no-knock, SWAT invasion, murder-the-suspect’s-entire-family warrant on me. So please, leave his brother alone. Assuming he has a brother. But do whatever you want with him.

Heavy rain hits Texas, floods roadways

Isn’t that pretty much standard for every Spring and Fall in Texas? I heard it was a bi-annual event in the Dallas area so why is it news this time?

China inspects North Korean cargo

The fox is inspecting the chickens. “Looks good to me. I don’t see any Korean ICBMs. No, the missiles I see are all Chinese, tee hee.”

Next U.N. head willing to go to North Korea for talks

“Will you please stop waving nukes around and threatening to kill everyone in the West?”
“Well Okay, then.”
That’s how the UN usually deals with terror. They’re so fabulous, like a car with no wheels.

Breast reconstruction not as safe for obese women

That's because it is so often confused with knee surgery. Think about it.

College women more weight-conscious than men

College men are VERY weight concious. They carefully inspect every college woman they see for the right weight as well as height, hair-color, breast size, buttocks firmness, and theoretical attainability.

Court rejects scout group's appeal v. Berkeley

That’s because there are billionaires behind the attacks on the Scouts, and even the Supremes can be intimidated or purchased. George Soros was no Boy Scout, but he was an authentic Hitler Youth. His money is almost certainly all mixed up in this.

Feds promote donation of umbilical cords

You can have mine. I’m not using it anymore. Can I get a tax-break?

Artillery round melted for scrap kills two

Hmm, high explosive, a big fire, and predictable results. Who didn’t know you can’t melt down a live artillery round without first blowing your ass up? Honest to God, anyone that stupid should not be allowed to walk around without supervision.

Teenager jailed for murdering schoolboy

This “teenager” tried to sexually molest a handicapped boy and then killed him to prevent the boy from telling anyone that the teenaged killer was gay. The victim had cystic fibrosis and could hardly put up a fight. I don’t think simply jailing him is good enough in this case. And where are the cries of "hate crime" since the handicapped boy was killed for NOT being gay?

Bush seeks to block enemies from space

Anyone working in or around the aerospace or defense industry knows that this is the next big battleground. China is already moving hard and fast. The old Soviet Union was, too, but they had a minor setback when their checks bounced. Doh! Now they have a bad credit rating. But they could still qualify for a mortgage loan at the Big Alabama Bank I worked for 'cause they don't even care.

Prosecutors: Man plotted ex-wife's murder, but botched shooting left her a quadriplegic

Supposedly this guy hired four hitmen to kill his ex-wife as they were locked in a vicious custody-battle courtesy or our beloved divorce industry. He was being forced to pay her $3000 per month in child support, so apparently the judge felt that she ‘needed’ to live in a mansion with a BMW. Four hitmen and yet somehow they still fucked it all up. So she’s now alive and paralyzed while the father goes to jail for life. I think in cases like this the lawyers and judges involved should be required to assume custody of the children and raise them at their own expense. I’m pretty sure if we started doing this in all custody battles the whole child-support/slave-trade industry would suddenly find it deep within its’ dark Satanic heart to implement necessary reforms. Otherwise, the nightmare will certainly continue. Oh, incidentally all four of the hitmen, including the actual shooter, received total immunity in exchange for their testimony. Isn’t that lovely? There’s “social justice” for you.

Potential jurors in Cape Cod murder trial probed for racist views

“Do you hate the White Man?”
“OK, you’re OK then.”
No white males need even bother to show up for this jury duty. Wait and see. There won’t be a single one selected.

Rice says U.S. ready to defend Japan

How ironic is this? Rice defends Japan? That's like saying "pizza defends Italy" or "refried beans defends Mexico." Anyway, we’re going to defend them by sending several giant robots over in case Godzilla shows up. We’re all out of men right now, but the giant robots should do the trick, as long as they weren’t made by GM or Ford.

Suicide note leads to dismembered body

Hmm, that’s some fancy suicide right there.

Troops to face courts-martial on charges

Hmm, we never court martial anyone anymore, so the fact that we are now can only mean one thing: there are wo/men involved and men accused. And that means guilty or not, these men are screwed.

UPDATE - WaMu profit down 9 pct, cut 5,200 jobs in quarter

Oh looky looky! Remember WaMu? I blogged about them for White Male Wednesday, which I then totally forgot about after that and never did another one. They’re the company using bigoted images in their TV commercials of the evil white males being led around in their underwear by the superior black male banker who treats them like a pack of rabid dogs while he smirks a lot. I feel so bad for WaMu losing all that money. No I don't. You want to lay odds that the vast majority of 5200 workers they cut are white males? Yeah, I didn’t think so. When CEOs confuse “social activism” or “social justice” with good business it’s time to sell your stock and run like hell, ‘cause that shit is about to go down like Traci Lords on John Holmes’ 14 inches of glory.

Pardon me while I pause for a moment to think about Traci Lords .....

Female space tourist hopes for return

They just can’t stop talking about he/r. Apparently someone left he/r up there and now s/he’s hoping someone comes back up to take he/r home again. That’s gotta suck.
“Hey, wait a minute. Where are you going? You can’t leave me up here!”

McCain jokes about suicide if Democrats win Senate

The Secret Service is on it’s way right now to arrest him for threatening the life of a U.S. Senator. I wonder if he’ll testify against himself?

Marijuana-like compound may fight Alzheimer's

Suddenly I can’t remember where I left my keys. And if necessary, I can forget a whole lot of other shit, too.

Sex offender Joseph Duncan pleads guilty to killing three in deal with prosecutors

Shouldn’t he be referred to as “Triple Murderer Joseph Duncan” at this point? I mean, let’s get a little perspective here.

Gay police group's "anti-Christian" ad rapped

The ad claimed Christians are to blame for a “rise in violence” against homosexuals. The claim has two large problems. First, there hasn’t been a rise in violence against homosexuals. But since the government began tracking it and gave it a budget, well, we all know how that works. The second problem is that if someone is screaming hate in your face and smashing you over the head with a lead pipe you can be relatively certain that, while they may very well be a Muslim or a Marxist, they sure as hell aren’t a Christian. And if they are a Muslim then you aren’t allowed to criticize their jihad because our government’s official position is that we don’t want to do anything to risk making Muslims angry. We'll just blame a white male instead. Oh wait, now I see where they got the idea for the ads!

Man allegedly fires crossbow at motorist

This man clearly has been watching way too many reruns of the Dukes of Hazzard. While I can appreciate the lure of Daisy Duke in her short shorts, when you begin actually trying to use a bow to shoot cars you should turn off your TV and seek counseling.

Thieves steal New York Mayor's car

Welcome to the post-Giuliani New York, Mr. Bloomberg. How’s that workin’ for ya?

Bill Clinton preaches politics of "common good"

Karl Marx couldn’t have said it better. But the Bill of Rights says politicians are to do what the voters say, not what is in their opinion for the “common good.” Too bad none of our nation’s politicians or judges have bothered to read the Bill of Rights or the Constitution. It would sure help clear up a lot of confusion.

Hard times for wildlife in Zimbabwe

Welcome to the realities of “social justice.” When evil wins, everyone loses. No one did anything to stop Mugabe from mass murdering the people of Zimbabwe and destroying everything in sight because a) he's black, b) he was mostly killing white male Europeans at first, and c) he's a Marxist, which makes it OK for him to commit mass murder. Apparently all of our university professors, feminists, and federal judges are Marxists, too, and they say he can mass murder if he wants. So there you have it. It's all good.

Obesity may be linked to sleeping times

All those late nights I’ve spent IMing with you are making me fat. It’s all your fault, really.

Fla. boater stabbed in chest by stingray

Wow, two people killed in the same way by stingrays. According to feminist standards this would qualify as an “epidemic of violence” by stingrays. Two people is an epidemic if billions of dollars and your very own branch in the Department of Justice is on the line, no matter what the truth is. Marine biologists, who apparently have no political agenda, say that this is actually a very rare occurrence, but who listens to them? I’ll bet the United Nations has a new global treaty on the table right now mandating that all member nations discriminate against stingrays and oppress them as much as possible. But don’t worry. It’s for the “common good.”

Gun crime falls but rowdiness fears rise

What’s a “gun crime” exactly? Do guns run around robbing people or something? I was under the impression that it was people who did this and sometimes they used guns as a part of it. Are we so pathetic now that we blame the inanimate object for the crime committed by a person? I remember reading in the Bible about a ritual the Jews had of taking a goat and placing their hands on it and blaming it for all their sins. Then they’d drive it out of the city. This is where the term “scape goat” comes from. Today we round up guns and throw them into our already polluted rivers while politicians brag that they are doing this to fight crime. It’s the same thing. That goat didn’t commit your sins and neither did your gun.

'Earl' star Jamie Pressly gets engaged

She’s mine, dammit!

'Anatomy' star T.R. Knight says he's gay

That’s not surprising. The only other white male doctor is Jewish and thus not feared or hated by the Network PC Bitches. I knew there had to be a reason they let this one lone white boy in and didn’t have him be the janitor or a villian.

Report: N. Korea 'sorry' for nuke test

This bastard is getting advice from China and the Clintons (same thing). You do whatever you want to, and then you say “oops, so sorry. I won’t do it again.” And then you do it again when nothing happens.

Couple held in slain social worker case

There’s a lot of money to be made in Federal matching dollars for taking people’s children away, so the incentive is high. And when the incentive is high the corruption levels of course go way up. And of course poor people make the easiest targets. But sometimes when people are pushed too hard and have nothing left to lose they just kill you. Oops, we so sorry. We no do it again.

Scientists create cloak of invisibility

Forget the cloak. I want that one ring to rule them all, the Ring of Power!

Tenn. inmate's execution stayed

His shoe was untied so a judge called “time out.”

Husband indicted in van suicide

His wife committed suicide by driving off a cliff with their kids, so naturally it’s The Man’s fault and he must pay. He must pay for all women everywhere who ever drove their kids off a cliff or into a lake and killed them all because when one woman kills herself all women everywhere are victims, too, and together we can find a man to blame for it all. Sista’s , doin’ it for theyselves! Unite!

Experts: Some women perform well in math

Really?! And here we all thought that all women were totally stupid and incapable of doing math! What a revelation!

Scientists: Ozone hole size sets record

I am Cornholio! I need TP for my ozone hole!

Gays hope ally becomes first black Mass. governor

Bill Clinton is running for governor of Massachusetts?

Austrian removes 'sexist' urinals

So let me get this straight, in ivy league colleges like Cornell, the fe/male supremacist bi/otches are being authorized by the schools to use student funds taken from student fees to put signs in the urinals accusing all males of being rapists, blatantly insulting their entire sex for sexist reasons, but if a man who owns a private bar puts urinals shaped like a human mouth, which has no specific sex despite the lipstick, then the brown shirts in Austria’s Department of Wo/men’s Affairs, of which disturbingly enough there is no corresponding Department of Men’s Affairs, can use political pressure and legal threats to force this man to remove toilets that s/he doesn’t like from his bathroom? What was s/he doing in the men’s bathroom in the first place?

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I Won! I Won!

I won! I am the Blogger Least in Need of a Halloween Mask, whatever the hell that means! I won! I am the champion, you are the losers, no time for ... I am the ... how does that song go again?

Anyway, I won! Thank you all who voted for me.
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Survey Smegma (nothing about rapists eyes, viruses, or Tom)

bullet titties

Someone sent me this survey on MySpace. I don't know why, but it occured to me that I should post it here. Today this decision makes less sense, but what the hell?

1.) Where were you when the ball dropped for 2006?
I don't remember.

2.) How did you get the idea for your MySpace name?
I already owned it on another site and I, being a genius, reused it here even though the whole point was to have no connection between the two sites. Yeah, DUUUUUUH.

3) What are you listening to right now?
The sound of the harddrive in my Dell PC going "whirrrrrrrrr."

4.) Has the death of a celebrity ever made you cry?
No, but seeing the photos of Steve Irwin's wife Terri crying almost did. And one time, seeing a photo of Carmen Electra in a really tight dress almost made me cry.

5.) What color underwear are you wearing?

6.) Do you live in a zoo?
No, more like a ministorage with carpet and cable TV. We need less crap or more house, dammit.

7.) What did you do this morning?
Emailed ESPN about their anti-male harassment on Monday Night Football and then emailed WaMu about their anti-white-male commercials. Yeah, I was a bundle of laughs this morning.

8.) What's going on this weekend??
Um .... biking maybe at Shelby Farms or Shelby Forrest? Yeah, maybe.

9.) Is your car dirty?
Which one? I have 4. Some of them are. One is too ugly to qualify as simply dirty. It should have a special category

10) Do you have your own place?
Yes, a brick house with 2 cats and a wife.

11) What are the last two digits of your phone number?
1-1 .... and the first digit is 9

12.) What was the last concert you attended?
Um ..... I can't remember. But it was good. :)

13.) Who was with you?
I can't remember, but she was wild.

14.) What was the last movie you watched?
What the hell was it called? Mall Rats? I think that's right. It had the guy who plays "Earl" and the guy who plays "Randy" on "My Name Is Earl", only they were about 20 years old.

15.) Who do you dislike at the moment?
The president of ESPN, whoever she is.

16.) What food do you crave right now?
Something unhealthy, but I don't know what specifically. Someone keeps talking on my page about donuts so I guess that's probably it.

17.) Did you dream last night?
I barely even slept last night.

18.) What was the last TV show you watched?
Monday Night Femmeball - a pathetic match between a wheelchair-bound Philadephia Eagles team and an elderly Green Bay Packers. Both teams were practically crippled. (Yes, this was a few weeks ago, to be sure.)

19.) What is your favorite piece of jewelry?
Jewelry? I have no idea.

20.) Name someone on your Top 8 who is just like you?
There is no one quite like me. You can take that any way you like.

21.) What is the last thing you ate?
Carmen Electra

23.) Who last IMed you?
No one since last night, and she barely talked to me. I don't think she wants to talk anymore. (She later told me her power went out.)

24.) Are you on any medication?
Not at the moment, but I was thinking of taking steroids and getting as huge as an SUV.

25.) What side of the bed do you sleep on?
My side. And she sleeps on her side.

26.) What color shirt are you wearing?
Blueish gray.

27) What color is your razor?
Black with flecks of red which coincidentally contain my DNA.

28.) What is your favorite frozen treat?
Rocky Road ice cream, but not from Ben and Jerry's.

29.) How many tattoos or piercing do you have?
My only piercing is from an iron lawn couch that was in Tony King's front yard courtesy of his crazy grandmother who stored ALL of her furniture at their house instead of at her own house. So she left this black iron thing in the yard and it was midnight and pitch black outside. And I was running. And I ran right into it with my shin. And did you know that there is nothing between the skin on the front of your shin and your leg bone? Not one thing. Just blood, that's all. And the blood comes pouring out like a fountain, too. wheeeee!

30.) What are your favorite stores?
Lowe's and the Summit Racing Showroom in Atlanta

31.) Are you thirsty right now?
Yes, can I have a drink?

32.) Can you imagine yourself ever getting married?
Let me go ask my wife.

33.) Who's someone you haven't seen in a while and miss?
Elvis, Grace Kelly, Princess Diana, Jim Morrison, and Carmen Electra

34.) What did you do last night?
Watched football. Did we not already have this discussion? (again, few weeks ago)

35.) Do you care what people think about you?
Which people?

36.) Have you ever done something to instigate trouble?
Well, there was this one time, at band camp ....

37) Do you like your nose?
I'd like it better if it worked like it's supposed to.

38.) What color is your bedroom?
Navajo white - yeeeeeeeHA!

39.) When was the last time you worked out?
Yesterday I ran 4 miles and blogged about it, which you would know if you ever read my damned blog.

41.) Do you like pedicures?
I have no idea

42.) Where do you live?
In hell

43.) Are you an aggressive driver?
That's all relative to the other drivers on the road. I've never rammed another car and shoved them out into traffic, which a fucker did to me with his momma's SUV in Germantown. And I've never gotten in the fast lane and just driven as slowly as possible to see if I could piss off EVERYONE ELSE ON THE ROAD. I'd say I'm pretty moderate. And I'm counting passive aggressives as aggressive, because they are, they're just chicken-shit cowards about it.

44.) Who is your cell phone carrier?

45.) Do you like the person who posted this last?
Yes, she's a hoot.

46.) Do you know their Birthday?

47.) Are there kids in your future?
I used to think so, but these days I just wonder ...

48.) What color is your car?
blue, white, yellow, black and green. I already told you I have 4 of them.

49.) What do you smell like right now?
Sweaty farts. Yeah, you think I'm kidding.

50.) What is your favorite color?

51.) Do you like mustard?
Sure, but not on steak or pancakes.

52.)What do you tell yourself when times get hard?
God isn't here. Fix it yourself.

53.)Would you ever sky dive?
Sure, why not?

54.)What do you sleep on?
A bed. What did you think I slept on?

55.)What character from a movie/TV/radio most reminds you of yourself?
Hmmm, I picked Elvis, or perhaps Elvis picked me? Maybe it's all a spiritual message from beyond and not a random thing at all? Maybe I'm supposed to do something? I hear his voice ... "go ... slap .... Lisa .... Marie ... for .... doing ..... Michael .... Jackson." Hmm, what do you suppose that means?!

56.)Have you ever won anything?
Basketball trophies, track trophies, soccer fights

57.) What do you think of Angelina Jolie being pregnant?
Nothing whatever.

58.) Do you enjoy giving hugs?
Why, is Angelina Jolie looking for one?

59.) Would you consider yourself to be fashionable?

60.) Do you own a digital camera?
Yes, and if you're wanting those nude photos back all I can say is that if you're going to regret it later then you should have drank less last night.

61.) What celebrities have you been compared to?
Glenn Campbell, Bill Cosby, Madonna, Johnny Depp, and Jenna Jameson (Hi Jenna!)

62.)Who is your favorite Star Wars character?
Leah in the bikini. When she's not in the bikini, assuming she wasn't naked, then Darth Vader. Luke became SUCH a wuss in Empire Strikes Back. "I sense the good in you, Father." Yeah, somebody slap that boy.

63.)Does it annoy you when someone says they'll call but never do?
Yes, isn't that why they do it?

64.) What books, if any, have made you cry?
Pretty much any hardback that is thrown with enough force.

66.) Are you a jealous person?
No, just relentlessly vengeful. KIDDING

67.) Do you ever feel guilty after eating meat?
Why, do you feel guilty after beating it?

68.) What would your name have been if you had been born the opposite sex?
Clitoris Valencia Pigg

69.)If you could date any celebrity who would it be?
Keira Knightley

70.) Did you enjoy this survey?
It was good for me. Was it good for you?
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Bedroom Golf

back nine

The Rules Of Bedroom Golf

1. Each player should furnish his own equipment for play - normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on the course should be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm
shaft. Course owners are permitted to check the shaft stiffness before play.

5. Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole

6. The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied that play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course with special attention to the well formed bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played, or are currently playing, to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to bring proper rain gear for their own protection

10. Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing on what they considered to be a private course.

11. Players should not assume that a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternative means of play
when this is the case.

12. The course owner is responsible for manicuring and pruning any bush around the hole to allow for improved viewing of, alignment with, and approach to the hole.

13. Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine

14. Slow play is encouraged. However players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily at the course owners request.

15. It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match..
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In A World Ruled By Hot Australian Women

Steph, beautiful Queen of Australia

Steph the gorgeous Australian blonde was just discussing how annoying it is that women won't be direct and say what they mean for fear of hurting someone's feelings. First of all, I probably should offer up some sort of disclaimer about how she's never met a Jewish woman from New York or Dade County, Florida, but since I wasn't the one who said it in the first place I won't bother. You just need to go read it because it's funny. Then tell her I sent you.

Anyway, I wrote a comment to her post and she liked it. In fact, this is what she said:

" MemphisSTeve, That is THE funniest thing i've heard today. You should post that!! LMAO! Oh and thanks for the linkage. As long as your friends bring me Vodka, all will be well."

I, being a man with absolutely no willpower when it comes to beautiful blonde Australian women, am doing exactly as I was told. So here it is, my meandering thoughts and comments:

In the world of men there is little room for bullshit.

I'm only talking about real men, mind you, not politicians and CEOs of Fortune 500 companies.

This is why men who lead countries have wars. When one male leader turns into a psycho all the other real men say "hey psycho, cut it out or we'll kick your ass." Then there is a fight and it is eventually settled.

With women, if they led the world, they would be like "I don't mind if you steal my natural resources and slaughter people for no reason. Really, take it. Would you like some tea?"

But every day they'd be secretly launching missiles at each other and then saying "oh, so sorry. I didn't MEAN to nuke your city." And they'd be smiling as they said it, too, while offering more tea.

All the men would be totally confused.

"Are we at war or not?"

"Well, the president says we're not, so I guess we're not."

"Then why are we being sent to invade that other bitch's country?"

"I don't know. Maybe it's all just a joke?"

"Is that a mushroom cloud?"

"Holy shit!"

Yeah, when women rule the world there will still be wars. They'll just lie about it and say everything is fine.

* Maybe I will offer up a disclaimer. This blog post is a reposting of a comment I made at the end of the day on Friday without a lot of thought. If you want to have a deep, philosophical discussion about why you disagree and think I need sensitivity training, you should first buy me several beers and then shut the fuck up.
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Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE


As you may already know, it is a sin for a Muslim male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.

So next Saturday at 4 PM. Eastern time all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood

Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort.

All men are to position themselves in lawn chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Muslims, and to demonstrate they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women.

Since Islam also does not approve of alcohol, a cold 6-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Muslim sentiment.

The American government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God bless America!

Classification: UNCLASSIFIED

Caveats: NONE
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Catholic Humor

Dark in Here

A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work. She's not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet during their meetings. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet.

The boy now has company.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball."

Man: "That's nice."

Boy: "Want to buy it?"

Man: "No, thanks."

Boy: "My dad's outside."

Man: "OK, how much?"

Boy: "$250."

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the mom's love are in the closet together.

Boy: "Dark in here."

Man: "Yes, it is."

Boy: "I have a baseball glove."

Man: "How much?"

Boy: "$750."

Man: "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, grab your glove and let's go outside and toss the baseball.

The boy says, "I can't. I sold them."

The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"

The son says, "$1,000."

The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."

They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.

The boy says, "Dark in here."

The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."

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FYF - I'm Just A Bitch Now, like Barbara Streisand

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday. The headline news this week is loaded with the usual political horseshit. Since the only responses I received relating to whether or not I should continue this series were, "do it if you like it" and "where the fuck is FYF" I am posting another one.

Here are some of this week's top stories and my hyperventilating, neurotic responses:

Meeting on Iran disrupted by Rice delay

All the Muslim leaders were sitting around the table waiting impatiently for Condoleeza and chanting, “bring on the hot chick! Bring on the hot chick!” Yeah, when burkas are all you see all day, your standards aren’t super high.

Republicans hit by wave of political bad news

Ah well, watcha’ gonna do? Break out the surf boards, boys, and show us some real leaders for a change. Bwa ha ha ha! Oh, I cracked myself up. Real leaders. That's funny right there.

Denmark warns against travel as Muslims decry cartoons

Wow, it seems everybody hates Family Guy these days. Or is it South Park they’re pissed about? Maybe it’s an old Bugs Bunny cartoon? Remember when Ted “antichrist” Turner bought all the Warner Brother’s cartoons and immediately started destroying the un-PC ones? If Christians had done that they’d have called them fascists, but when fascists do it they call it progressive and give the Nazi an award.

Woman says she didn't mean to hurl baby

Apparently s/he was using the baby as a club to beat the baby’s fat/her. But you know, somehow it must be hi/s fault, right? Of course. The law even says so. You should read it for yourself. I’m not kidding.

Student charged in Mo. school shooting

The boy fired one shot into the ceiling. The Media are more interested with the “assault rifle” than what might have actually set the boy off. As a former middle school boy and alleged gun enthusiast I am mostly interested in one thing: the fact that the “assault rifle” jammed after the first shot. The lesson to be learned here, since we’re never going to allow belief in God back into school and never going to stop harassing the boys with misandric propaganda and sexual assault in the classrooms, is that if you’re going to bring a gun to school with the intent of shooting the place up, make sure it isn’t a cheap Chinese piece of shit. Yeah, I realize there are better lessons to be learned here, but those aren't allowed in the classroom anymore.

War, sex scandal sinking Republicans in polls

Hell, the sex scandal is the most interesting thing to happen to Republicans since … since … I can’t even remember the last time they did anything interesting.

'Runaway bride' sues her former fiancé

Oh good God! She didn’t even marry him and still she wants all the money. All I can say is that I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have dodged this bullet from hell and never tries to get married again. Remember what the great and wise Gomer Pyle always said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”

Gravely ill woman kills son, is freed, kills husband

Apparently we have forgotten why you are supposed to lock up murders and not let them out again. Here is a little reminder. Incidentally, after her second murder and rearrest, she told them that if she ever gets out again she’ll kill more.

Fertile women dress to impress?

Considering the state of things today, I guess the real question is, are they dressing to impress men or just the other wo/men? I think Congressman Foley and Senator Clinton would understand exactly what I mean. And then there's wo/men like Janet Reno, dressing to impress ... um ... grandmothers.

Doctor touts vasectomies for elephants

So, um, there is a run-away elephant population? How is this a huge breakthrough? I thought elephants were endangered.

Bombing at Iraq bakery kills at least 11

No soup for you!

Army tones down drill sergeants

Yes, because we are the new, more feminine army now. We’re less effective, but far prettier. And after all, isn’t that what really matters?

Kolbe says he warned of Foley years ago

People warned about Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy years ago, too. What’s your point?

Study links whooping cough to lax laws

If we’d just make whooping coughs illegal, they’d all go away. But if our government establishes a taxpayer-funded agency to study them, then we will suddenly hear of an “epidemic of whooping coughs” and steady demands for increased funding year after year. Next will be a stream of headlines reading “women suffer more from whooping coughs than men” and “blacks given less treatment for whooping coughs than whites.” And again, calls for more funding will follow. Then the UN will proclaim that more laws against whooping cough are needed to protect women. The U.S., as usual, will be expected to provide the funding for all of this because we're the world's daddy, even as we're desperately trying to castrate ourselves and transform into the world's pushy neurotic Jewish mother.

Cola consumption linked to weaker bones in women

Whereas, men can drink all the cola they want, eh? Ha ha! Take that, bi/otches! Wait, they just didn’t bother to study any men, did they? Yeah, fuck them for that.

Experts want to rename schizophrenia

They want to call it Jane. Schizophrenia is just too hard for America’s students to spell and that hurts their self-esteem, which as we all know is the biggest problem facing American students today – low narcissism.

Couple jailed for sex in mosque

Now they can have sex in jail. Bonus!

Desai youngest ever woman author to land Booker

Do we actually keep up with this shit? What about the most middle-aged transvestite author to catch a fish? Who was the youngest ever white boy to play basketball while wearing his pants down around his knees like a fool? This is the most fascinating trivial bullshit I’ve ever not bothered to read. Do you think someone somewhere actually has a database of the first women to do things, broken down by race and age and other divisive and idiotic categories, and they are updating it all the time? Or do you think they are just making wild-assed guesses on this to promote an agenda and sell papers full of fluff and bullshit? I’m putting my money on the wild-assed guesses theory because not a single one of our 'leaders' has ever had the balls to require feminists to prove a damned one of their claims.

World powers say N. Korea should be punished

Yes, and in the true spirit of the new fe/male-dominated United Nations I think we should have Jane Fonda dress up as Barbarella, tie up Kimmie Jong Il, and spank his big, fat, yellow bottom. That’ll surely teach him a grave lesson. Ooh, I shiver at the thought of it! We’re so mean!

Ban on child labor begins in India

But then who will answer the phones for Bellsouth’s DSL tech line?! Will I ever hear Raja's beautiful voice again? Say it isn't so! Raaaaaaajaaaaaaaaa!

Streisand has outburst at NYC concert

She farted and it went platinum. To be fair, though, it was a cunt-fart.

North Korea threatens war against U.S.

Hmm, they get their first nuke courtesy of our helpful assistance back in the ‘90s and right away they announce their plan to attack us. What a big surprise. I wonder why we’re so concerned about Iraq and Iran trying to build nukes? We must just be paranoid or something. Good thing our old pal China was around to help all three of them learn to arm and launch a Chinese ICBM right after we gave them the nuclear materials.

U.S. missile defense gear delayed by protests

People are protesting against DEFENSES against nuclear missiles? How fuckin’ stupid is that?!

Ford courts conservatives in Tennessee Senate race

His opponent, Corker, has been foolishly allowing the Republican Party ‘leadership’ to produce his campaign ads and define his positions for him. Consequently, he seems out of touch and clueless, much like they all are. He’s actually a decent candidate, but unless he takes the reins himself Ford is going to beat him like Hillary in the Oval Office with a husband and a lamp.

Lawyers: Possible deal for sniper Malvo

Sure, why not? All he did was kill random people for his Muslim faith, something he isn’t likely to ever repent of because the idea that anyone different than himself is subhuman is a part of his core beliefs. He has a “Malvo lens” for viewing the world. Anyway, the FBI is still out looking for that white male to blame. So let’s just let him out. We might as well give him some ammunition while we’re apologizing for his inconvenience. He could be a new UN delegate. They'd call him 'hero.'

New Study Says Men Are Smarter

And yet somehow I’m afraid to even click on this story, let alone talk about it. It’s a trap, I know it is.

Woman who lied about rape gets prison

It’s not the false accusation of rape that got her put into prison. No, because we all know THAT’S a victimless crime, right? No, it wasn't the fact that she lied about being raped. See, she didn’t entirely lie about participating in a rape itself. It seems she raped her 12-year-old male cousin when she was 30. Then she claimed she was the “real victim” of some random rapist and wrote a book about it. Predictably, Oprah featured her as part of her regular ‘women as victims’ segment. I wonder if Oprah will ever set the record straight now that it has come out that her guest is a rapist herself? I wonder if Oprah will have the actual real victim, that 12-year-old boy who is going to be forced to pay child-support, on her show? I’m guessing not.

Embarrassed Tara Reid fixes botched breast job?

Here, let me help you with that.

Half-naked man horses around with police

I’m not the only one who sees why this might be a bad idea, right?

Bush signs law on North Korea nonproliferation

I’m thinking of an old saying here, it relates to closing a barn door and the cows already being out.

U.S. sets aside acreage for beach mice

I’m picturing little mice all dressed in bikinis and sunglasses lying out on the beach catching some rays. They may even have special mice nude beaches by now. Who can say?

On Notice Fri 13
You have read this article with the title October 2006. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2006/10/fyf-i-just-bitch-now-like-barbara.html. Thanks!

Friday the 13th - Curse of the Windshield Wipers

wiper joust

I don't know what it is with me and windshield wipers. I guess we just don't get along. That's all I can figure. It's not a mutual thing. I don't hate them. But maybe I should.

When I was poor and in school I would buy the cheapest wipers because I needed to have wipers for the long, rainy drive across town to class, but I couldn't afford the best ones.

Now I'm older and richer and I am tired of having to replace my wipers every year, so I buy the best. I buy the lifetime guaranteed, these will never fail you, made of solid gold, this is a shitload of money for a strip of rubber, good God they're pretty, wiper blades.

And every year, just like before, I end up having to replace them.

Oh sure, I try to take care of them. I try to never abuse them. I try to be nice. But when the cold comes the destruction is inevitable.

Just this morning I went out to my truck, which I just got back from my newest mechanic, having dumped the previous mechanic for screwing up my clutch job and having screwed up the previous job before that one. It was sitting in my driveway all pretty and frosted. I saw the hazy dew on the windshield. Yes, it was cool, but it was well above freezing. Hell, it's in the 40s. So I got in my truck, started it up, cursed the mechanic for adjusting my cold idle too low, and backed out. My windshied was frosted and wet so I turned on the wipers.


Shit, that's solid ice! Oh fuck, I just wrecked another set of wipers.

Yeah, they SAY these wipers can handle being scrapey scrapeyed across ice (sorry, this whole "scrapey scrapey" thing is an inside joke referring to a movie some friends made back in college and odds are none of them will even come here to see it, so my mentioning it is rather pointless and stupid) but we all know how that works. You scrape them across the frozen razorblades on your windshield and then the next time you need them they leave big streaks. Pretty soon they don't wipe anything at all. They just make noise and move back and forth. Then you end up buying new ones and installing them in the pouring rain out in the parking lot at AutoSuck.

You know it's true. You ladies always get the fat old guy who works there to do it for you, don't you? Yeah, but he doesn't mind because your smile and pretending to like him is the highlight of his lonely, gray day, believe me. I know him. He isn't getting paid well and he mostly has to deal with ghetto pimps and non-English-speaking Mexicans all day. He'd crawl under your car in the soaking wet and change your oil for you if you'd just smile at him for a moment longer. You don't realize the power you have. Your smile is a beam of sunlight and hope in a dark old man's world.

So I've just wrecked my wipers. And I know better than to go ahead and replace them now, because in about a month or two more I'm going to go out to my car, turn on the wipers to clear off the frost, and find that the wipers are literally glued to the glass, causing them to rip free before they scrapey, scrapey across the frozen windshield, accomplishing exactly nothing.

It happens every year.

And am I the only person who always, ALWAYS has the driver's side wiper go out first? It never fails that when I first notice a problem with my wipers it's because the driver's side wiper is doing absolutely nothing, while the passenger's side is free and clear, as if the wipers were installed at two different times and came from two different manufacturers, one bad and one good, which they weren't and didn't.

Yeah, I know this has very little to do with Friday the 13th. My day started off with me waking to a block of frozen ice in the bed, which turned out to be my own body, as My Wife had stolen ALL the covers and pulled them over to the point that most of them are on the floor. I don't think it was an accident. She started another fight last night. So that was the real start to my Friday the 13th.

Also, I need to ask for some input from you about my blog. I don't know what to do about Fuck You Friday. The first time I did it I was in a weird mood. I was just numb and genuinely didn't care about anything I said. I was SO afraid no one would like it, and then people loved it. So then I was encouraged to do another. So I did. Again, I was afraid no one would like it. The next week I tried to just drop it, figuring the joke was over and no one really wanted to see it again. But then I got emails asking where it was. Each time I do another I feel the same way, as if people don't really like it and I should drop it. But then someone will ask for it. Sometimes I'm really surprised by who is asking, because it will be someone I would have expected to be especially annoyed by what I said last time. To be honest, I'm confused. I can keep doing them, but I need to know who wants to see more and who would rather never see it again ever.

To be honest, I was going to do a Fantastic Friday post the second week instead of another Fuck You Friday, just to be more upbeat. But right before I did, I got another email asking for Fuck You Friday. And then this week is Friday the 13th, so a Fabulous Friday, Smile God Loves You, Smell the Flowers post on this particular Friday would seem out of place.

So let me know. What are your thoughts on this? Should I drop it, scale it back, or keep doing it? It's one of the few posts that I never feel comfortable with and never know what to expect from.
You have read this article with the title October 2006. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2006/10/friday-13th-curse-of-windshield-wipers.html. Thanks!
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