Tuesday Teutonics

"The main part of intellectual education is not the acquisition of facts, but learning how to make facts live." - Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr

I've had a few dreams about my father lately. Since his death, every dream seems to feature him younger and healthier. It's as if he's aging in reverse now. Looking at the world today, and all the battles taking place, especially here in the U.S., I can't imagine having grown up without him and all the things he taught me. I know it's politically incorrect to say, but single mother households can never take the place of a home with both a mother and a father. There are things my father taught all of us that my mother simply never could. These days I'm having to teach her, as she is becoming slowly aware that the knowledge he had and the things he knew are now things which she must learn in order to make her way through this latest political turmoil. She is lost.

I can often tell the men I meet who grew up without their fathers. I can tell the difference. It's in the things they don't know, the voids in their knowledge and maturity, and the odd sort of way that they look at things. I feel bad for them and how hard life is for them. They are handicapped, whether they know it or not, through no fault of their own.

"I would never have amounted to anything were it not for adversity. I was forced to come up the hard way." - J.C. Penney

Where has the once oh-so-urgent issue of Gay Marriage gone now that the pro-gay Democratic Party has complete and total control of the U.S. Government? It's almost as if the entire issue has simply disappeared overnight. There is not one word about it in the news, the papers, the magazines, anywhere. It's just GONE.

"The world owes all its onward impulses to men ill at ease. The happy man inevitably confines himself within ancient limits." - Nathaniel Hawthorne

The self-titled "Secular Progressives" are shocked and alarmed at the "Tea Party" activists who are demanding that their representatives actually listen to them and represent them, rather than doing like they've done in recent years past, ignoring the clearly stated will of The People along with their needs and desires. All the violence and openly declared bigotry of the progressive protesters (Prop 108 attacks on blacks and Christians, for example) has been instantly forgotten while Nancy Pelosi and company pretend to be shocked at the way conservative Americans aren't backing down, even when violently assaulted by SEIU thugs and Code Pink extremists. It's a dramatic change, to be sure.

Many of the Republican incumbents, and especially the Republican Party leaders, aren't much happier about it. Their constant betrayal of their voter base and "triangulation" on key issues where a principled stand was required was something they had grown comfortable with. They often found it useful to be free to betray their supporters at any given moment, in the hope of gaining some sort of twisted advantage over the Democrats by hijacking their issues and trying to make those issues their own. In so doing, they lost all credibility and are today paying the price, as their brief hold on power was abruptly taken from them in the conservative revolts in the elections of 2006 and 2008. Now, if they want any of that power back, they have to listen to the very people they discarded and took for granted before. And they don't like it one little bit.

Here's hoping some good comes of all this. Both major political parties have far too many arrogant sociopaths, wealthy and out-of-touch individuals whose only love is power, and who are more than happy to take their respective voter bases for granted. The 'professional politicians' need to go.

"A government is invigorated when each of us is willing to participate in shaping the future of this nation." - Barbara Jordan

I didn't do much of anything over this past weekend. No biker bars or girl-fights or drunken nakedness or anything at all worth noting. I did do a little bit of X-treme lawn mowing, though. It was rad. The grass was totally gnarly and I whacked some wicked weeds on my freshly waxed Snapper.

"The brain is a mass of cranial nerve tissue, most of it in mint condition." - Robert Half

Last week I spent $700 putting new tires on my 4x4. I had no choice. My old tires were threatening to get me killed every time it rained, which it did almost every weekend when I made the 3-plus hour drive between Memphis and my job. I truly feel that those tire salesmen should have at least had the decency to kiss me before they bent me over and mounted those bitches on my truck. I'll bet they didn't even remember my name the next morning. I was just a booty call to them. I feel so cheap. And those tires were so damned expensive. And French. I've got fucking French tires on my truck. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I mean, lately Sarkozy has been a better leader than our own President, so maybe it's not such a bad thing. In so many ways, America is the New France and France is more like America. It's all so damned confusing.

"Would that I could stand on a busy corner, hat in hand, and beg for people to throw me all their wasted hours." - Bernard Berenson

I've noticed that on Tuesday nights there isn't a damned thing on the TV that I care about. I tried to watch "Lost" because my best friend is addicted to it. The problem is, it's one of those shows that you really need to have seen from the very beginning, which was several years ago, in order to have the slightest idea of what is going on. Even among the people who have been watching since the beginning I've noticed that there is a significant level of confusion.

Right after "Lost" is a sci-fi show tailor-made for my personal trainer. It's called "V". For weeks he's been telling me about his belief that all the "white people" are the result of a cross-breeding between "dark skinned people" and space aliens millions of years ago. In other words, he believes that white people are something other than human. Naturally, this is supposed to be a bad thing. Every race wants to believe itself superior to the others, especially to those others who are more successful and dominant. Every sex wishes to believe itself more righteous and pure than the opposite sex, especially if the opposite sex is dominant. In "V", the aliens are lizards, but they hide behind a false human skin. Almost all of them are white. All except one, who is black. But he is a good-guy because he wants to betray the aliens and save the world, so despite being an evil alien, his dark skin has saved him and made him holy and righteous. He has accidentally impregnated a 'dark skinned' woman with a half-alien, half-human child. Sound familiar?

All of the most powerful leaders in "V" are women. The alien leader is a woman. She gets naked a lot. The leader of the human resistance is a blonde woman with a great rack. The men are either white male villains or somehow flawed and/or subservient and weaker than the powerful women.

I tried to convince my trainer that this show was absolutely made for him, but he's a proud cynic and considers himself an intellectual. Anything on TV is no good because ... well, because it's on TV and therefore bad. More than merely bad, it's part of a Jewish plot to control our minds.

I'd go on, but if I did my blog would be flagged by every company in the world as a crazy website that employees aren't allowed to visit, so I'll stop with that. Also, I frequently zone out and don't hear the rest of the very complicated plots and theories and so I might, if I'm not careful, get the many twists and turns involving the Jews, the English Royal Family, bankers, and the Pope all confused.

We wouldn't want that, now would we?

Anyway, here's some music to make you forget that you ever knew about this secret plot to destroy the world. You are getting very sleeeeepy ...

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Hello Kitty Congress

botox pelosi
Vampires don't sleep

Last night, when all decent folk were at home getting ready for bed, Nancy Pelosi and her Botox Agents of Smoke and Change successfully shoved another socialist entitlement down the throats of the American people against the clearly expressed wishes of the majority. As she was doing so she said "this will end the insurance industry treating being a woman as a pre-existing condition." It was such a blatantly false statement that it nearly left me speechless. I took all of 15 seconds to catch my breath and shout, "fucking cuuuunt".

Yes, we've had exclusively female-focused tax-payer funded medical research in the U.S. for the past 15 years thanks to the Women's Health Act of the 1990s with nothing even remotely similar for men. Even prior to this, female-focused medical research was more heavily funded than male-focused. And irony of ironies, it has been the documented crisis of primarily females abusing and overusing their health insurance-covered access to doctors (i.e. frequent unnecessary visits) that has been one of the significant causes of medical costs skyrocketing in the United States over the past 20-30 years. This is fact, but a politically unpopular fact that both Democrats and Republicans won't touch with a ten-foot pole out of fear of an outraged response from female voters who dislike hearing anything unflattering that pertains to them. It is a fact that has many very well-understood reasons relating to evolution and reproduction which have nothing to do with slamming on women, but nevertheless remains true.

But a raging sociopath and filthy rich narcissist like Nancy Pelosi never lets The Truth get in the way of grabbing Power, or an opportunity to bitch and moan about how horrible it is to be a woman, even though she is currently the most powerful woman in the entire world. How depressing that is, knowing that no matter how much power, wealth, and control women like Nancy Pelosi have, there will never be an end to the bitching, and mostly about shit that isn't even true.

You're familiar

Then again, Harry Reid is a huge bitch, too, although he also bitches about how hard it is being a woman, so apparently when Men of the Left become bitches they truly become bitches and lose their manhood entirely. I wouldn't be at all surprised if Harry Reid dropped his pants on CSPAN and showed the world that he has no dick and is damned proud of it. He's a gigantic vagina.

Good Vagina

I'm not talking about the good kind of vagina, either, as in "Kim Kardashian's vagina is smokin' hot." I'm talking about the flappy, saggy, drippy, fish-smelling kind like Madeline Albright has, dry as a bone and just as useless except for the constant dripping of urine into her Depends adult diapers. That's Harry Reid in a nutshell. And Al Franken. And Joe Biden. And Barack Obama. And so many American politicians, in fact. I think it's only a matter of time before all the male Democrats in Congress, and a great many of the male Republicans, begin wearing pink dresses as a way of symbolizing that they renounce their mythical "male privilege" and are truly very sorry to have ever been born with penises at all.

guy in dress
Democrat-controlled Congress

Maybe I should start a political campaign to try and push them to actually do this? I'll call it the "Surrender Your Penis for Women's Empowerment" campaign and use lots of guilt and bullshit to pressure them by bitching and moaning about how the richest and most powerful people in the history of the world, American women, have it super duper hard and all "have a right to be angry." I'll write lots of editorials to the New York Times moaning that how the only way the men in Congress can show their commitment to women's "empowerment" is to renounce their own (very questionable) manhood and wear pink Hello Kitty dresses every day for the next 2 years. And then I'll sign my letters "Susan Sarandon."

Certain members of Congress would have no trouble with the Hello Kitty pink dress wearing at all, as some of them have been privately cross-dressing for their entire adult lives anyway.

Bad Vagina

A lot of conservative Republican voters are upset today. Pelosi's House shoved the government takeover of health care down the throats of The People despite the overwhelming cry from every single state of "we The People reject this and do not want it." The Senate did it before and all that remained was for the House to merge their bill with the Senate's and then send it to President Obama, who has never even read it, but guaranteed he'll sign it into law. That is happening as I write this.

All I can say to the depressed and screaming Republicans is, "what the fuck have you been doing throughout the past, what ... 50 years or more, ... that you didn't see all of this shit coming? Beginning back before most of us were even born, all of this has been openly planned and discussed and laid out in detail in books and articles and lectures and movies and TV shows, etc, etc, again and again, all through the '60s and '70s and never stopped even when Ronald Reagan was President and communism was supposedly on the run, through the '90s with great assistance from the Clinton White House, all during the Bush White House with willing cooperation from most Republican Senators until here we are today. Hell, a lot of this Marxist takeover shit was even openly promoted in propaganda on kids TV shows, so I know even the most mentally challenged had every opportunity to prepare for battle and get busy fighting long before it came to this.

Well, whatever. Just wait until the bill for this hits the paychecks of every single American citizen, Democrat and Republican alike. Wait until you hear the cries of "I can't afford this!" If you think the American economy is in the shitter now, just wait until tomorrow.

Our current economic policy

As for me, I'm watching this party with a drink in one hand and the bottle in the other and the full knowledge that I've done what I can do and will continue to do so. Whatever the outcome of this shit I'm going to keep fighting for what I consider important, and I hope you'll do the same. That's all you can do. Just don't be caught sitting on your ass in front of the TV complaining about shit when you didn't even try to do anything one way or the other.

Damn, somebody needs to do something

"Après moi le déluge"

Get up and fight or shut the fuck up.
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Anal Probes, Congress and Shit Drivers

Yes, we're on a highway to hell. You got a problem with that?

I was driving back to work after lunch today, listening to men on the radio discussing the possibility that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi may, in fact, be possessed by the devil himself, when I suddenly realized something remarkable. The other drivers, the ones who drive so slowly in the passing lane and seem to all move in unison on the interstate like a very slow-moving school of fish blocking the faster fish, are clearly aliens from outer space.

First we must acquire a Ford Crown Victoria

Now hear me out, this isn't entirely crazy.

Fleets of alien space ships always fly in formation, slowly passing over major cities while earthlings stare and point helplessly from the ground, right? We know this from every single sci-fi movie ever made. So it must be true.

Damn traffic!

This formation flying is exactly the same as the rolling roadblocks of multiple passive/aggressive drivers all herding together across all 6 lanes of the interstate, making it impossible for anyone to get past them and escape.

Think about it, what better way to prepare us to be captured and beamed up into the space ships than to make it seem like a normal, every day traffic event? It's like cows being herded to the barn for feeding, only the only 'treat' you get once they beam you into the ship is to have some weird alien instrument shoved up your ass for reasons that make sense only if every alien in outer space is either a proctologist or gay.

Bend over and say "Aaaaaah"

What if all proctologists really are creatures from outer space? That would make sense to me, because honestly, what kind of man goes through all the expense and difficulty of medical school only to willingly choose a field that involves sticking his hand up every patient's ass, day in and day out? That's just insane to think any normal human would do that without having a gun to his head.

I do think this new theory that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are demon-possessed has some definite merit to it, though. I saw the movie "Paranormal" recently and I was the only person in the theater shouting, "just close the fucking bedroom door, you assholes!" No one else saw this. But to me it was obvious. I think perhaps I see things that no one else notices. Clearly I have a gift.

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Ute tagged me for this post.

It's my list of "Likes/Dislikes" and at the end of it I am supposed to tag a few of my fave people that I'd like to see write their list.


Good vodka, late nights, true friends, live bands, muscle cars, Top Gear, Big Bang Theory, thunderstorms, the beach, freaky clouds in the sky, fireworks, good sex, Gibson guitars, photography, Captain Morgan's rum, dreamless sleep, driving fast cars on mountain roads, books, reading, (auto)biographies, writing, the greening in Spring, nude French women, blogging, smashing windows, sock sliding on wooden floors, old houses, skeet shooting, Mythbusters, long haired women, pizza, beautiful women, Emmanuelle Béart, Jessica Biel, my e-friends, football, track, the Olympics, silence, motocross, good cops, honest leaders, Chuck Colson, old Bugs Bunny cartoons, shooting silhouette targets with faces of bad people taped to them, working out on the 70 lb bag when I'm really mad, women who are so beautiful that they don't have to be nice to anyone yet are anyway, breaking bottles in the hall, Pink Floyd, turning my amplifier up all the way, justice.


Sociopaths, ego-maniacs, Sumner Redstone, passive/aggressive drivers, selfish people, yappy dogs, misandrists, Joe Biden, Taser International, underwear that rides up, underwear that doesn't support my junk, heart break, loud infomercials, junk mail, sexual violence portrayed as harmless and/or comedy, Seth Macfarlane, fake wrestling, violent drunks, crooked politicians, my lousy writing skills, Oprah, the United Nations, George Soros, sexual violence in children's entertainment, sneezing while peeing, when she coughs while we're doing it, pointless tasks, short-sighted people, dust mites, roaches, WalMart, knee pain, low class people, legalized torture, Governor Bredesen, dogmatic political protesters, sexually aggressive ugly women, being grabbed by the balls because I rejected the sexually aggressive ugly woman, arrogance, injustice, lack of sleep, manipulative vindictive deceitful little people (yes, you), sore throats, allergies, crooked elections, bad cops, false friends, evil politicians, powerful people who use their wealth and influence to hurt and destroy lives, my own stupidity, betrayal, people who don't turn on their turn signal because they've got their damn cell phone in that hand, new cars with Xenon headlights that fucking blind everyone at the normal setting and still they drive with their high beams on, narcissists, assholes, bitches, shitheads and communists.

I know I said I was going to tag people, but I am tagging no one because I'm a loser pissed off and most people don't want to be tagged by me. But if you want to do this, feel free to let me know and I'll try to come see what you wrote.

And now for a little musical entertainment ...

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I'm exhausted. I travel. I work long, long hours. I travel some more. I work more long hours. People ask me for impossible projects to be completed in impossible time-frames. I'm tired.

Oh, and I work out. Not that I look like someone who works out. I mean, people have told me that my muscles are bigger, but the goal wasn't to get bigger. It was to get smaller. Specifically in the middle region. Washboard abs I have not.

I've been sick, so I missed working out all last week. My knee hurts for reasons I can't figure out. I don't recall injuring it, but I've had enough knee surgeries to know what torn cartilage feels like and this seems similar. But how? How could I have? Hopefully this is just some fluky, freaky side-effect of being sick. The knee pain started when I got sick. Hey, women get all achy when they have their periods, right? It's possible.

Speaking of periods, a single, pretty, size 2, brunette, female friend of mine was complaining of cramps from her period earlier today. Me being a guy, I was unsure how to say, "Ah, that sucks. I'm sorry you're hurting." So I said this instead, "well, when the pain gets really bad just be happy you don't have balls. If you'd like I can show you police reports of men being murdered by women who grabbed their balls and squeezed until the men's hearts exploded and they died. Death by pain from crushed balls is no way to go. Give me cramps over being grabbed by the nuts any day." Yeah, so it wasn't very helpful. But she was nice and pretended that this made her feel better.

Cheer fail.

Not Cheered

Right now I'm watching "Diary of a Call Girl" on Showtime and listening to the rain beat on the window outside. Billie Piper has come a long way since Dr. Who, hasn't she? She said once that people have criticized her for tarnishing the image of her Dr. Who character and glorifying prostitution. Hey, she didn't have to glorify it. Men are always grateful for good-looking prostitutes. She's simply portraying the life of one of them. At least the woman she's portraying never slept with the Governor of New York, eh? I like to look on the bright side of things.

Billie Piper

How come no one ever criticized prostitute-loving former New York governor Elliot Spitzer for glorifying politicians and then tarnishing the image of prostitutes and prosecutors?

It's because he's a MAAAAAAAAAAN!

Yeah, that's bullshit, I know, but earlier today I accidentally stumbled onto a feminist blog and that was the sort of thing they were saying, along with all men are rapists and only women can be victims of sexual violence and blah blah. They were also laughing and celebrating the Vancouver Serial Groin Kicker who partially castrated one of her many male victims of sexual violence by kicking him so hard that one of his testicles was rammed up inside his abdomen, rupturing it and leaving him in horrific agony for 6 months while he sat on Canada's government health insurance waiting list begging and praying for the surgery he desperately needed. He lost his job and life's savings because he couldn't work for those 6 pain-wracked months and basically had his life destroyed by the entire experience. Anyone who can laugh at this is a shit. Or a feminist. But I repeat myself. Surprisingly, when I left a comment, that is not what I said. I don't know why, but I didn't feel the need to call any of them a bunch of misandric sexist cunts. I was restrained, almost detached. I was downright numb. Disturbingly numb.

Did I mention how tired I am? I am truly exhausted.

Psychic or Not Psychic?

I like to go to psychics and punch them in the face. Then I say "I guess you saw that coming, huh?" Yeah, psychics hate me. But it's the best way I know of to tell which ones are the real deal and which are fakes. I figure the real ones will duck. So far none of them have been real, apparently.

So anyway, apparently psychic-punching is a lot like testicle-rupturing - perfectly legal. I have yet to get into any trouble for my new favorite hobby. I'm thinking of combining it with serial psychic groin kicking just to add some variety.

Yeah, I just made that shit up. Did you know? Wow, you must be psychic!

Speaking of groin kicking, a few months ago I tried a writing exercise where I took a subject that I considered to be about as unfunny as it could possibly be and I tried to write a post about it that was funny. So I wrote a list of 10 people I wanted to "punt in the cunt" and I posted it on Burt's Stache. Several commenters wrote that they found it hilarious. And most of them were women. I was really surprised by that. But I never did find the humor in what I had written. I just don't like it at all. So I took the post down a week or two later. If you were looking for it and wondering where it went, now you know. I'm no fan of sexual violence and abuse, not for men or women. It's just wrong. I don't care what those misandric sex-offender-loving feminists or Seth MacFarlane says. He's a giant vagina.

OK, I'm going to go do something else now and then go to bed.


Before I go, here's some good music for you:

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Burt's Olympic Stache

Today's dose of Memphis stupidity is over at Burt's Stache.

Not that it really matters. I mean, I don't expect you to click the link. Most of you are using some sort of Blog Reader to read this message right now anyway and you don't click anything. I know, I know. And it's not even really all that funny. I mean, when was the last time I was really funny, right?

There is some hot Olympic athlete photos, with skin-tight Speedo suits and all that, though. Just thought I'd mention that.

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Stuff That Makes Good Magazine Lists - Part I

5 Things A Good Boyfriend Won't Ask You To Do

We've all been in relationships where after awhile the lust wears off, the shiny rumbly cool car loses its luster, and you realize the guy you're dating is a cunt. Here are 5 things a good boyfriend won't ever ask you to do:

1. His Best Friend - No decent man turns to his woman and says "how do you like Tim? Do you think he's hot? Tim said he'd give me his San Diego Chargers mini-fridge if I could convince you to fuck his brains out. Whadya say, baby? It's a cool-assed fridge. I gotta have that fridge."

2. A Threesome With You, Him, and Your Super Hot Sister - Yeah, you know how this is gonna turn out, right? You've been pretty sure you've caught him checking out your fine sister several times, but he's always denied it. Now he's just flat out asking if he can fuck her while you juggle his balls for him. You learned long ago to never introduce your boyfriends to your sister until you're absolutely certain that they love you and only you because otherwise they always trip over their tongues trying to get to her. Fuck that shit.

3. A Threesome With You, Him, and His Best Friend - Yeah, you always thought there was something a little off about the way him and his best friend pal around. It's just a little too physical, a little too girly, and there's way too much damn tickling for this shit to be normal. Your man is a homo, honey. Time to throw that one back and try again.

4. Wipe His Ass For Him - He's been out drinking with his buddies. Maybe you were along, too. Maybe you're both piss-drunk. But he's the fool who tried to funnel a bottle of vodka. And now he's so sick that he's in the bathroom blowing out both ends at the same time. He's too wasted to let go of the toilet bowl, so he wants you to come wipe his dripping wet ass for him because he doesn't think he can keep his balance long enough with only one hand to do it. And also he's so drunk that he can't even find it. Time to close the door on this one. Maybe even lock it. Light a scented candle to help kill the smell and then go to bed. He'll still be there in the morning when you wake up, covered in shit and vomit and passed out cold.

5. Clean His Apartment While He's Out With The Guys - You don't live with him. You don't even have so much as a toothbrush in his bathroom, but he wants you to work your womanly magic on his nasty-assed man-cave while he goes to a strip club with the boys. "Aw c'mon, honey, you know I'm no good at that cleaning stuff." Yeah, talk about taking you for granted. This boy is a loser. So lose him.

5 Things A Good Girlfriend Won't Ask You To Do

We've all been in relationships where after awhile the lust wears off, the shiny jiggly titties begin to sag, and you realize the girl you're dating is a psycho bitch. Here are 5 things a good girlfriend won't ever ask you to do:

1. Read the "Twilight" Books So She Can Talk To You About Them - "Twilight" is a series of utter shit stories written by a team of psychologists and marketing professionals who were assembled for the sole purpose of writing something really pathetic that would sell like mad to girls who have no concept of what a real man is. If your girl is hooked on this shit, that's fine. It was created as a kind of lure, like a worm on a hook, for women. It's not shocking if she enjoys them. But if she expects you to read this shit, too, and then sit and talk with her about why she wants you to be a fag* like Edward Cullen then it's time to throw her and her pansy-assed books out into the street.

2. Stand In Victoria's Secret And Never Look At The Other Women - It's not bad enough that she wants you to stand there in Victoria's Secret, surrounded by sex, holding her purse like a eunuch. No, she also demands that while you're in there, with hot girls in sexy underwear waltzing around you, you're not allowed to even glance at them without her going ballistic on you. It's not the fact that she's taken you into Victoria's Secret. That's no problem at all. It's not even the holding of the purse, although that shit is supposed to be reserved for married men. No, it's the fact that she's peed on you with her purse, marking you as hers, and still wants to scream at you if you so much as glance at any of the hotties strutting around in front of you in their sexy undies. This is a huge warning of jealous rages to come. Remember, Lorena Bobbitt bragged to her cunt friends 2 months in advance that she was going to cut off her husband, John's, penis if he ever cheated on her. Then she made an excuse to actually do it and threw it into the street, leaving him bleeding to death and trying to get someone to take him to the hospital while she drove off to go brag to her friends. This was in addition to several other sexual assaults involving her, his testicles, and various weapons she used, all of which should have already warned him that he was married to a psycho-bitch with no respect for him and whom he needed to get the hell away from. Take the warning now and leave her in the dressing room in her undies and her temper while you run for the door. Your genitals will thank you for it.

3. Buy Her Tampons - She's sitting right there in the car, parked in the parking lot of the store where the tampons are. But she is too fucking lazy to go in and get them herself. So she wants to tell you about the highly complicated color-coding schemes and what assortment of purples ("no honey, it's lavender") and yellows and greens she wants and then sit her ass in the car talking on the cell phone to her friend (who never liked you) while you crawl inside like a dog to do the most humiliating errand a woman can ask a man to do for her. The dreaded Tampon Run is reserved for married couples and emergencies. An emergency means she can't go herself and desperately needs your help. But this is no emergency. She just wants to see if you're a big enough pussy to do it. So tell her you will, then go inside and buy a 20-pack of beer. Then tell her you forgot. If she's a normal woman she'll get pissed, call you an idiot, and go get them herself. If she's testing you for weakness, she'll try to send you in again. Be strong and get more beer. Or dump her for her hotter sister.

4. Watch "Oprah" or "The View" - Sure, lots of women watch this shit. That's fine. Lots of men used to watch "The Man Show" before some network Vagina Monologue Princesses destroyed it. But when she insists that you sit and watch this self-serving, vagina-powrr shit with her, without making any remarks about what a stupid ugly bitch any of the women on the show are, something is wrong. Why would a woman who loves you subject you to that kind of agony? There is nothing about this garbage that is in any way helpful to you or the relationship. The only married person on "The View" is the Hasselback woman, and the other women all hate her because she's pretty while they're all skags*. And Oprah has never been married*. Guess why? Yeah, that's not a hard one to figure out. Beware of anything to do with The Oprah. And run like hell from a girl who tries to make you watch that shit, too. Next she'll be buying you pink shirts and pressuring you to wear them.

5. Wear Pink Shirts - The day you get a 'present' from her that turns out to be a Barbie pink shirt of some sort, take this as a big neon warning of trouble ahead. What kind of woman takes a man and tries to turn him into a woman? Why does a woman want a man to wear pink? Because she sees you as weak, and the shirt is a symbol of that. She's smiling a pearly white smile and cooing "oh c'mon, aren't you secure in your manhood?" But what she's really thinking is "the instant he puts that on, his balls are mine. I'm the alpha dog here and he's my bitch." And she's right. If you put that shit on, you've just become the girl in the relationship. The shirt is just a symbol of that. No man needs a woman who wants to turn him into a girl so she can be the man. Dye the shirt red next time you're doing laundry, and dump the girlfriend. She's trying to be your boyfriend.

Bud Light Clothing Drive

* Fag - a derogatory term for a homosexual man commonly used prior to the Dark Ages of Political Correctness. (Also used by the English to refer to a cigarette, but not in this instance.)

* Skag - a derogatory term for a very unattractive woman, usually with a personality every bit as nasty as her face, commonly used to describe the High Priestesses of Political Correctness. (i.e. Hillary Clinton is a skag. In fact, come to think of it, all the women in the Obama Administration easily qualify.)

* Oprah never married - even if I turn out to be wrong about this, I couldn't care less. Real men don't give a shit about Oprah's love life and the apparent lack thereof.

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