Anal Probes, Congress and Shit Drivers

Yes, we're on a highway to hell. You got a problem with that?

I was driving back to work after lunch today, listening to men on the radio discussing the possibility that Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi may, in fact, be possessed by the devil himself, when I suddenly realized something remarkable. The other drivers, the ones who drive so slowly in the passing lane and seem to all move in unison on the interstate like a very slow-moving school of fish blocking the faster fish, are clearly aliens from outer space.

First we must acquire a Ford Crown Victoria

Now hear me out, this isn't entirely crazy.

Fleets of alien space ships always fly in formation, slowly passing over major cities while earthlings stare and point helplessly from the ground, right? We know this from every single sci-fi movie ever made. So it must be true.

Damn traffic!

This formation flying is exactly the same as the rolling roadblocks of multiple passive/aggressive drivers all herding together across all 6 lanes of the interstate, making it impossible for anyone to get past them and escape.

Think about it, what better way to prepare us to be captured and beamed up into the space ships than to make it seem like a normal, every day traffic event? It's like cows being herded to the barn for feeding, only the only 'treat' you get once they beam you into the ship is to have some weird alien instrument shoved up your ass for reasons that make sense only if every alien in outer space is either a proctologist or gay.

Bend over and say "Aaaaaah"

What if all proctologists really are creatures from outer space? That would make sense to me, because honestly, what kind of man goes through all the expense and difficulty of medical school only to willingly choose a field that involves sticking his hand up every patient's ass, day in and day out? That's just insane to think any normal human would do that without having a gun to his head.

I do think this new theory that Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid are demon-possessed has some definite merit to it, though. I saw the movie "Paranormal" recently and I was the only person in the theater shouting, "just close the fucking bedroom door, you assholes!" No one else saw this. But to me it was obvious. I think perhaps I see things that no one else notices. Clearly I have a gift.

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