Memphis Rules of Etiquette - part 1

1. When you pee, by all means, pee on the seat. And never, ever bother to flush. Let the world smell your fabulous odor. Consider yourself generous for sharing it with everyone.

2. When you walk, especially down narrow hallways in crowded areas, swing your arms out wide. Take up as much space as you can. Walk down the center, as if the hallway belongs to you and no one else is around. Feel free to slap people with your swinging arms as you pass, just to let them know that this is all yours and they are lucky that you even let them use it. Never move over or pull anything in when you see someone coming the other way. 'Cause it's all about you.

3. Talk on your cellphone as often as possible, especially while in a crowded space and at work. Talk nice and loud. Tell the whole world about your gonorrhea and illegitimate baby 'cause they all need to know. It don't matter what you say, Beyatch, just so long as you shout it out loud and proud.

4. Don’t ever swing a door any wider than you need for you to fit through. If someone is coming through the door behind you, just let it slap that bitch in the face. Only a pussy would swing it out any wider so that the old lady behind them can come through, too. It’s all about you. It’s ALWAYS about you.

5. When you park your fabulous cool ride don’t you worry none about them long white lines what everyone else tries to fit their car between. You just stick it in there any old way you feel like, know what I mean? And slap that bitch car next to yours when you open your door. Yeah, ‘cause it’s all about you and your fabulous hoopty.

6. If you ever get the chance to go into a cubical at work where someone is using a computer, first chance you get you poke your fat fingers all over that screen of theirs. Just poke it all over real good. Leave so many fingerprints that the FBI and the CSI will be confiscating that bitch if they ever need info on you.

7. If you got a nice round butt, you know what I mean, 4 times bigger than J Lo could ever be, you wear that there spandex nice and tight. Make it bright neon pink. And if your belly is as generous as your ass, wear a cut-off top to go with it. The world deserves to see more of you. Don’t be a greedy bitch. Let them have an eye full.

8. A loud and proud princess like you don’t need no baths. You smell like roses the more you sweat. Just let it go. Everyone will appreciate your beautiful odor.

9. Don’t you ever wash the coochie. Douches are for them tight-assed bitches who ain’t gettin’ none. There just ain’t no need for that. It’s supposed to stank like that. That’s how a proud beyatch aught to smell. Keepin’ it real!

10. When you got on them jeans, keep’em on the down low, right down around the knees. Show the world your fine ass crack. And always keep that L.A. Raiders cap at just the right angle, like that P. Diddy., turned off to the side, but not all the way to the side, ‘cause then it ain’t cool. It got’s ta look like you don’t even care how you wear it. And don’t you ever wash none o’ that shit. A good ‘n’ proper stank be keepin’ it from gettin' lifted, except’n by the nastiest Miffis ghetto skanks.

And don’t you ever forget – it’s all about you!

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IDH #3 - Halle
While she still has hair
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Speaking of the Dukes of Hazzard ...
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Tired Rainy Sunday

It's rained most of the day today. I was supposed to go to soccer practice. The rain killed that. So My Wife and I are sitting on the couch all day long watching the rest of the Dukes of Hazzard marathon on CMT. Every thirty minutes the phone rings. It's her mom. It's always her mom. She calls 1000 times a day and hasn't got a damned thing to say. Somehow she manages to talk her head off even so. Why can't she leave us alone? We're trying to see if the Duke Boys will escape this time.

Yeah, like your Sunday was so freakin' exciting.
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People Funnier Than Me

Mike Adams has acquired Erectile Dysfunction after encountering screaming feminists at the university where he is a professor. The article is hilarious. You can read it here.

Kathleen Parker has some interesting things to say about a somewhat similar scandal at Harvard. Apparently the University president offended the feminist nuns and their eunuchs by suggesting that perhaps there might be innate differences in the general abilities of males and females in regard to math and science. Now they want his head on a silver platter. Read it here.
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Dukes of Hazzard

I spent my entire afternoon working on my truck today. The smoke pouring out from under the hood last weekend was the result of oil leaking from the valve cover and dripping onto the exhaust manifold. It turns out the gasket was split and had to be replaced. Oh boy, fun fun.

Saturday night My Wife turned on CMT and started watching old reruns of The Dukes of Hazzard. All of these years of marriage and neither of us realized that we both had never watched this show. So we spent the entire night watching it.

Yes, seriously. We're watching the Dukes of Hazzard.


Oh shut up.

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A Letter From Memphis

Dearest Redneck Son,

I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last Memphis family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.

The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.

About that coat you wanted me to send; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cutthem off and put them in the pockets.

Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.

Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated, he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.

There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.

Your Favorite Aunt,


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Friday and Time for More Mental Pooping

It's Friday and Miami had a fire. Two of our servers down there are going to hell, literally I suppose. Maybe the firemen sprayed them with the hose? I don't know. I just know all the processes are down and I can't hit the box. AOPS did not email me about this because they failed to include me on the list of people to email. These are my fucking boxes and I'm the one person they didn't tell. And they were pissy about it, on top of all that.

I've been playing with my tiny digital camera. It doesn't have a flash and so indoor photos and nighttime photos blur badly. There is no way you could ever put a tripod under this thing so I'll just have to learn to prop it against things somehow. Anyway, it's fun so long as I don't get in trouble over it.

Speaking of trouble, I emailed this link around to people at work and didn't notice the ads for porn all around it until I was watching the video of Mr. Dancing Fool with my boss. Oops. So far they haven't escorted me out of the building so I guess that's a good sign. I recalled as many copies of the email as I could.

A judge has ordered the death of Teri Schiavo through starvation today. This is such an odd fight. There are those who place no value whatever on human life and then there are those that view it as sacred. And never the twain shall meet, because activist judges will never allow voters to reach any consensus on anything. They'll just TELL us what to do, like overpaid and unaccountable parents in long black robes who do a lot of cocaine and hang out at rich people's parties a lot. Lovely.

I've got a smelly fart and I can't seem to let it go. What's up with that?

Today we celebrated the 35th birthday of the beautiful fantasy art-looking woman. She seems like someone who is a blast to hang out with, but it is unlikely that I'll ever find that out for sure. You never can tell, though. As funny as she can be while sober I'm guessing she's a riot when buzzed.

Earlier today she came by my cube to get a pack of cigarettes. I sell them for $20 a carton. Want to buy some? Anyway, she didn't want a carton. She just wanted a pack. She says she's trying to quit. Well, being the pillar of strength and machismo I said, "No way, bitch. I ain't breakin' open a carton just to give you a pack."

Yeah, right. So what really happened is this, I sat and watched as she tore it open and took the pack, then handed me back the rest. And I said, "Happy birthday" for good measure as she walked away. Yeah, that's right, I gave'em to her for free. You got a problem with that?

My former employer, the Memphis Express Shipping Company, has been contacting me about coming back to work there. This is the second time. And not coincidently, a former coworker in The Evil Robbie's team suddenly emailed me out of the blue to ask, "Hey, what's up?" Every time they contact me about coming back there I get this email from this guy. I seem to recall that one of Evil Robbie's favorite tricks while assassinating our previous boss was to spoof emails to stir up confusion and fights. Now that he is the boss of the team he can just monitor all of my previous coworkers' computer activities and pick up their actual logins and passwords, so the usual checks for a spoof probably wouldn't help. Regardless, I'm only mildly interested in working there again. Any company that would tolerate a narcissistic sociopath like Evil Robbie and then promote him to a position of authority as a reward for murdering his previous boss and several coworkers is not somewhere I would run begging to work at again.

Google is in the shitter this week. One 'expert' said he thought Google was overvalued and the market dropped it 5 points in a day. Then the price of oil went up and talk of inflation started to make the markets nervous. Now Google is down another 3 points. To top it all off, the 'experts' are now saying that Yahoo! looks like a good investment. What did I say weeks ago? Buy Yahoo! And what was I trying to buy when I got Google by mistake? Yahoo! Oh well, you lose some and you lose some more. This isn't over yet. Google isn't dead, just damned expensive, which is why they haven't split the stock.

Someone is standing at my cube reading the Dilbert cartoons I posted there. If I could get that fart out now it would be the perfect time. Oh please oh please oh please come out now!

Everyone is having to go home to take care of sick kids who have the stomach flu. I seem to be here almost entirely alone except for the guy I farted at. I think perhaps it's time for me to go, too.
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Random Blathering

In the news yesterday was our own State Senator Ford screaming at News Channel 3's Andy Wise to get out of his office and then physically throwing him out over the latest Ford scandal. Senator Ford then filed assault charges against Mr. Wise even though Andy is on video just standing there while Harold shoves him out the door. Nothing is likely going to come of this.

Memphis Mayor Willie "Bull" Herenton is mad that no one seems to like his scheme to consolidate city and county schools so that he can be the king of all that he surveys. In Nashville he screamed at the reporters that no one will give in to his schemes until the white students start getting lousy education, too. Willie used to be president of the Memphis city school board. I wonder how the Memphis city schools got so lousy in the first place?

My best friend in all the world is in the hospital in very serious condition. He travels the world for a major computer company and apparently acquired some sort of vicious virus. If you pray, please pray for him. He's in Vanderbuilt Hospital in intensive care. He has 4 kids and a lovely wife who burps a lot.

My Philips 128 Mb wearable digital camera arrived yesterday. I hope to have actual photos of Ass Rider Boy, Lesbian Elvis, and assorted other Memphis lovelies as opportunities present themselves. I had actually intended to buy the more expensive one, with MPEG player included, but they were out of stock. This little doo-dad is cool.

Mutal Fund Managers talking on Bloomberg TV say oil stocks like Exxon and Texaco are going to keep going up and up for the next 5 years. I don't own any and haven't bought any so you might want to consider them. It's only when I actually buy a stock that it dives like Mia Hamm trying to draw a penalty. Then again, after looking them over I wasn't particularly excited.

That's about it. I've got a meeting to go to and I'm so excited I may just piss my pants.
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Paris Hilton, Phone Home!

OK, this is too much to ignore. Paris Hilton, wealthy New York heiress with an estimated worth of $200 million, has lost the contents of her cell phone, including personal address book and stored photos, to hackers. The hackers posted everything to the net for the world to see. Among the photos are some lovely nudes shots which Miss Hilton took of herself. Enjoy.

Oh, and before you say anything about me posting this, the info is already out. Everyone is going to have to change their email addresses and phone numbers regardless. I'm even late to the party here with this. But I thought it was interesting just the same. What a drag this must be for everyone, especially Paris.
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Sesame Skreet
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The New 'Friendlier' Disney
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Sombody's gonna get it!
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She Cut Off His Penis - cue the laugh track

There is an article in Oddly Enough news on Yahoo! today about a Vietnamese woman who got mad at her boyfriend and cut off his penis. He was trying to break up with her and she didn't intend to let him. So she cut off his penis and flushed it down the toilet.

Every time these sexual mutilations of men occur they always post it in Oddly Enough as if it were nothing but a joke. And on the message boards that accompany the story are men commenting about the fact that 1) it isn't a joke and seems awfully sexist that it is always treated as one, 2) the woman wasn't charged with the actual crime she committed (sexual assault vs domestic violence), 3) she'll go free no matter what, 4) women view crimes against males as nothing, but then complain that men don't care enough about crimes against females, and finally 5) the justice system is blatantly biased against males.

I don't know how to comment on this anymore. I've seen it happen so many times now and it does seem to be true that nothing is ever done to the female assailant. She might as well dance nude on the steps of the courthouse and take a giant shit there because they aren't going to do one damned thing to her. But anyway, I'll try to express what I think because this just happens more and more often now and I suppose it is worth talking about, especially since no one in authority is going to do anything about it. Might as well send it to the blogs.

1) It isn't a joke. It seems to me that teaching boys that sexual violence directed at them is not wrong leads to the view that sexual violence in general is not wrong. Every little kid understands that if something is OK for one person, then it is OK for another. In other words, if it is OK for you to hurt me down there then why can't I hurt you there, too? That is only fair. Clearly our courts don't view it that way. But that is because of politics. Gangsta Rap would seem to indicate that the kid's understanding is increasingly the norm among the people on the street though. And it isn't going to lead to peace and harmony, just more blood.

Violence against women has never made up more then 25% of all violent crime in any Western nation, and yet we have devoted $10 billion per year to creating a giant government beauracracy whose only purpose is to deal with an alleged "epidemic of violence against women." If 25% is an epidemic, then what is the other 75%? From the actions of the courts and our government, the other 75% is apparently nothing because the victims are all the 'wrong gender.'

Furthermore, each and every claim made to Congress in securing the $10 billion was already known to be false. Following the passage of the funding increase, even more independent research was done which found, once again, that the claims are wildly false. There is not 1 woman beaten by a husband or boyfriend every 12 seconds - this is false. Rule of thumb did not come from an English law permitting men to beat their wives - there was never any such law. Women's visits to emergency rooms are not mostly related to domestic violence - they are mostly related to car accidents, just like everyone else. It goes on and on, until every single "under oath" sworn before Congress claim is shown to be a lie.

There are countless websites and books disproving all of the religious fables regarding the "epidemic of violence against women" and many of them are written by women who are sick of the manipulations and scare tactics being used by the female supremacists and lesbian separatists in an effort to recruit more women into their religion of fear and hate. So I'm not going to go into that any further.

2) The woman sexually assaulted the man. Her crime was sexual, not domestic violence as the charge says. They even had sex just before she did it. But whenever anyone sexually assaults a male it seems to take an act of God for them to actually be charged with a sexual crime. If a man so much as sticks a finger into a woman's vagina he is charged with rape in most states. Let him touch her breast, even through clothing, and it is sexual assault. But if a woman grabs a man by the balls and crushes them until he passes out and dies, which occurred just last year, she is not charged with anything sexual and is not considered to be a sex offender. If you read the definition of sexual assault you'll see that she should be. But if you study politics and consider how much of the $10 billion given to radical female supremacists is being used to fund a political machine then you might begin to understand how such extreme injustice could come about.

3) She'll go free no matter what. She probably will, but since this crime has become so common women have actually been sentenced to a month or two in recent cases. The longest sentence I have seen so far was 72 days for a woman who ripped a man's testicles off with her bare hand because she was mad. And no, she wasn't charged with a sex crime. She was charged with some minor crime that had nothing to do with what she actually did. And she was sentenced to 72 days. How much of that time she actually served I do not know. I'm sure she got out early.

4) Women view crimes against males as nothing. Generally I find that there are a large number of women who think sex crimes against males are a joke, even sexual mutilations and murders. But there are a lot of men who seem to hold this view as well. I'd say these men are short-sighted and stupid, but when I say this to their faces they never seem to comprehend what I'm telling them. They just assume it could never happen to them, and that if it did somehow the courts would change overnight and the assailant would actually be punished. Dream on.

And for every few women I know who think sex crimes against males is a big joke I find at least one woman who doesn't think that way at all. If not for the wealth and political influence of the feminists and the compliance of the stupid men who don't think it could happen to them things could change.

And if Disney would stop promoting it to kids, that might help, too.

5) The justice system is blatantly biased against males. I think this is absolutely true. The feminists and the socialists who run most of our law schools are a large part of the reason for it. But again, all those men who let it go and then laugh when other men get railroaded don't help anything. Even worse are the men who have been through it themselves and then STILL refuse to do anything about it because they figure it probably won't happen to them again. This kind of thinking is so stupid as to be unworthy of sympathy.

And then there are the conservative men who think that they are somehow doing God's work by discriminating against other males and always siding with the female even when it is clearly and undeniably unjust. They tend to be losers who couldn't get laid in a whore house, but somehow get elected to high office. These are the guys who would get kicked in the groin in school by some girl who just felt like doing it for the hell of it, and then these wimps would apologize to the girl as if they somehow deserved it and just couldn't remember why. These men should all be shot.

But with all of this said, I find I am reaching a point of numbness. I don't laugh about it because it isn't ever funny, but I don't get particularly upset anymore. I don't spend much time commenting to anyone about it, and worst of all I don't believe it will ever get better. I do try to put my money where my mouth is and contribute to groups who are fighting to right the various wrongs, but beyond that I'm getting so used to it that I hardly react anymore, much like the Romans watching Christians being killed by lions. I know this isn't a good thing, but it's how I'm feeling nonetheless.

No necessary changes ever take place because people have grown numb. No one rises up and fights out of numbness. But numb is what I am. I have never seen things get better. I have only seen them get worse. And it doesn't matter if it is Bill Clinton or George Bush in the White House because they both give in to it and fund it to the hilt. Republicans and Democrats, no matter how they claim to feel about it, end up with the same results when they both agree to take all our tax dollars and give them to hate groups that promote this kind of man-hating bigotry. And they both do.

Feminists have taken Valentine's Day and changed it into Violence Day. They have taken a day of love and turned it into a religious celebration of their hatred, and this new version of Valentine's Day is recognized at colleges and universities all across America. You haven't heard about it? You will, I guarantee.

I wonder if anyone will do anything about it?
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Crazy Rednecks Trying to Kill Me

I've mentioned my lovely neighborhood in my profile, with the fabulous Memphis rednecks, Rooster, 'G', and Jackass Jeremy all living here. I mentioned the fabulous Germantown asshole, Robbie, and his gay lover, Curtis, from Mississippi, who come by quarterly on Sundays at 4 a.m. to do things to my cars, or did before the Memphis Express Shipping Company moved the quarterly loads to Saturday nights at 10 p.m.

This weekend I discovered that they are playing with my tires again.

They found out that if you deflate a car's tire to less than 15 pounds of pressure it creates a dangerous condition. The low tire experiences excessive friction and heat, especially at highway speeds, and is prone to explode. If the exploding tire is one of the front tires the chances of a deadly crash resulting is fairly high.

Every now and then they'd let some of the air out of the front passenger side tire of my Buick. They did this several times for about 2 years, but since I rarely drive the Buick it doesn't do anything. The car just sits there and eventually I notice the low tire and pump it back up. Finally realizing this, they just recently decided that perhaps they should do it to my truck instead, which I drive every day.

It's not rocket science, but who wants a genius trying to kill you anyway?

So they just recently deflated a tire on my truck to 10 lbs. Then, just for good measure, they actually added air to the opposite tire on that same axle. They jacked it up to over 40 lbs. I suppose they hope this will put additional pressure on the deflated tire and finally result in a catastrophic blowout. Perhaps one day it will, but this time it simply annoyed me because I had to pump the one tire up and let air out of the other.

Coincidentally, the Memphis Express Shipping Company just had one of their quarterly loads.

I suppose I should be grateful for their stupidity. Some of the other things they've done have been far less humorous, such as stabbing the roof of my car which cost me $1000 to fix, unbolting my shock absorber so that it came out of the shock tower when I hit a bump on the highway, draining my master cylider of all brake fluid so that I had no brakes, disconnecting my throttle return spring so that my car accellerated out of control, and a long list of other hillarious pranks and practical jokes all intended to kill me.

You might think that filing a report with the local police would get some sort of investigation going and ultimately put a stop to this. But if you thought that then you'd be wrong. This is Redneckville and the police 1) don't know how to do detective work and 2) don't give a shit. So I have a stack of police reports which I suppose might be useful as toilet paper. And there is even a detective assigned to the case. He has never come out to my house to investigate anything and simply told me over the phone, "it's probably Rooster. He's crazy and he used to be a mechanic."

Lovely. So, if you are confident that Rooster has been trying to kill me for over 5 years why don't you arrest him and lock him away? No, no, no, because that would require getting up from the desk and driving out to Rooster's house. Detectives in this town don't do that sort of thing. I'm not sure what they actually do do, but they don't make felony arrests for attempted murder. They let that sort of thing slide, like giving speeding carjackers and their kidnapped victim a warning and then letting them go (yes, they actually did this, and the carjackers then killed the woman.)

Then the detective on the phone added for good measure, "maybe all of this stuff has just happened all by itself?"

Yes, a big knife hole just appeared in the roof of my car all by itself. And the brakes, which I had just checked the previous weekend, suddenly leaked completely dry without any fluid showing up on any of the wheels and no fluid ever leaking again after that once I bled the system. And the throttle return springs, both of them, magically came disconnected at the same time even though I had driven the car just a few days before and they were both connected then. And the gasket on my carburetor that was cut, causing gasoline so spew all over the engine and catch fire, this happened magically too, even though I rebuilt that carburetor a few months prior and tested it fully without finding any leaks, let alone a catastrophic one like that which you could not miss if you were looking under the hood.

So, why would Rooster do anything to me? Well, Robbie and Curtis 'allegedly' came by at 4 a.m. just before a load back when I worked with them at the Express Shipping Company in 1999, and smashed out a window of my truck by snapping a coin into it. It was late January, 10 degrees outside, and we had a quarterly load that morning at 5 a.m. I had run out to my truck at 2 a.m. for something and the window was fine.

Snapping coins was a stupid thing Robbie and Curtis did in the office for awhile, always aiming at coworkers in order to let everyone passing know that Robbie is the Alpha Male and Curtis is his bitch. Eventually Robbie decided that Curtis was getting out of line and snapped one right in Curtis' face, nearly blinding him. Then they decided that snapping coins was dangerous and switched to yo yo's, which they simply used for flicking in our faces, once again to let us know that Robbie is an asshole and Curtis is his bitch. This, too, eventually stopped when Robbie became threatened by Curtis' superior yo yo skills and whacked Curtis dead in the face with his yo yo, naturally proclaiming it an accident, as he had done when he hurt Curtis with the penny.

Anyway, I found my window broken and filed a police report. A neighbor, G's father, claimed he actually saw Rooster out that night at about 2 a.m. with a BB gun. He all but said he saw him actually do it. So the police roughed up Rooster for 2 hours while they tried to get him to confess. Problem was, of course, that Rooster didn't do it. My neighbor said years later that he never ever said he saw Rooster do anything and that the police and I must all be mistaken about that. Mmm hmm. Anyway, Rooster was pretty upset at being accused and had no idea that I wasn't the one who made the accusation.

Rooster used to be a mechanic. But he fried his brains like Ozzie Osborne with drugs and alcohol and now he sort of does odd jobs and lives at home with his mother. He does some crazy shit when he's on a bender, but I haven't seen him messed up in over a year.

Robbie and Curtis, on the other hand, fit the profile of a pair of sociopathic criminals, according to a friend in the Department of Justice whom I told about them. They are the sort of people who would indeed kill someone and think it quite funny. Not only that, but they are the sort that would fully expect to get away with it, believing themselves to be far superior intellectually to most everyone else.

So anyway, as I write this I am reminded that I didn't check my shocks to make sure all the nuts are in place and tight while I was searching for the source of the billowing smoke that entertained me so much on Friday night. I'll need to remember to do that tomorrow when I get the chance.
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Wifeisms VI - Wedgie For The Mind

I was sitting on the toilet and My Wife was at the sink next to me. She was complaining that I had been hard to reach all day. So I said, “I’m right here next to you. How hard can it be?” And then I reached over and grabbed the back of her pants. I squeezed the pants in my hand so that it caused her underwear to ride up into her butt crack.

She tugged at her pants in annoyance. Then she said, “That reminds me ...” And then she just started to laugh without finishing her wedgie-induced revelation.

“Well I’ve just got to hear this,” I said. “What does that remind you of?”

“I don’t want to say now,” she said, still laughing.

“Come on.”

"I don't have a candle. I wanted to light a scented candle."

Women are hard to figure sometimes. A wedgie reminds them of scented candles? Who would have thought?

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IDH#2 - Avril
Yes, I know.
But I would anyway.
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Just Bitching on my Own Damn Blog

All of the hands in my pocket keep coming with the mail.

Support our cause. Help us fight this battle. Save the children. Cure our disease. Get me out of jail. Help the widows of the war.

I'm so tired. I just want to turn my back and throw them all away. My table is stacked high with mail. And who would help me when I need it? Not a single one of them. They don't even spell my name right half the time.

I'm sick of this town. I'm sick of this dead-end job. I'm sick of this house. And I'm sick of this neighborhood.

I just want to lie down and quit. But I'm not dead yet. And I'm not rich. So I have to keep on going, back to work day after day where they smile in my face and shoot me down over drinks or cigarettes while I'm not around.

Yes, Auntie Emme, THIS is bitching.
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In a Dark Funk

I can't shake this dark funk I'm in. After work a bunch of coworkers got together at a local sports bar to hang out and have fun. A high level Executive VP is leaving for another bank and we were getting together to wish her a fairwell (and beg her to take us with her.)

I went, too, and shot pool. I used to shoot pool pretty well while slightly buzzed, but apparently I don't anymore.

My Very Attractive Female Coworker came, too. She did not say anything much to me and seemed unenthused at seeing me in general. That is no surprise. I am probably nothing like the sort of man she is looking for (she is single) and don't have anything that she might want. That's just the way it is and I can't do much about that. But it did nothing to help me off of this dark slide I'm on.

After a few drinks My Coworker mentioned that My Current Team Lead offered him the Team Lead spot in the event that My Current Team Lead gets promoted. This also did nothing to help relieve my funk. My Coworker has made it clear many times that he has no interest whatever in management. And I have made it clear that I will take the job.

But I don't smoke and I don't live in Cordova, where My Former Team Lead, My Current Team Lead, My Coworker, and several other coworkers all live within a few blocks of each other and all hang out together. So I am out. I'm pretty much going to have to leave the group or leave the company altogether. That's just all there is to it.

As I said before, I shot a lousy game of pool. Then again, I haven't shot pool in several years and I haven't shot pool drunk in even longer, so I do have a valid excuse. It's just that excuses don't fix anything.

After a few hours, the group started breaking up. Some people mentioned going down towards Beale Street and hitting Club 152. I have never been to Club 152 so I don't know much about the place, except that the women like to go dance there. I've posted zillions of surveys here, with more than one mentioning my inability to dance worth a crap. Even when drunk I dance horribly, like a white man with two broken legs and an arthritic back. Whenever I'm on the dance floor attempting to dance I feel the cartilage in my knee, which has been operated on twice. It does not feel good. In fact, it feels as if I'm tearing it up, which scares the shit out of me, especially since the first surgery almost killed me due to a medical error and my resulting 'crash' coming out of surgery.

Other people mentioned going to the Memphis Ballet. Memphis is a 'blues' town so the Ballet in Memphis is not quite Swan Lake, if you know what I mean. Sure, it involves athletic young women dancing up on a stage of sorts, but the stage has a shiny silver pole and the women sometimes hang upside down from it while topless. Anyway, some of the guys indicated they might go there. Sometimes, when everyone goes together, the women make them go to Club 152 and dance, and then they all go together to the Memphis Ballet to give money to help support the arts and get a thrill.

If I could dance I'd probably go with them regardless of which destination they were planning to go to. And I probably should have stuck around to hear the final plan anyway. But the dark funk was getting me and I knew I'd probably be a drag to be around the rest of the night. Even worse, I might get too drunk and start blabbing about being down, which would just royally ruin everyone else's good time and assure that they'd never invite me to anything again.

Also, My Wife had come along. She had said she didn't care if I went to the Ballet, although I'm not sure if she really meant that. But when My Attractive Female Coworker showed up My Wife started asking me lots of questions about who she was, when I worked with her, and how well I knew her.

I worked with her very briefly on a large project. I had been told that she would be the Project Manager for the Business side and I would be the Project Manager for the IT side. But as it happened she never was officially assigned to the project. And I had no experience in project management whatever, so My Boss had been counting on her helping me to get started. At one point I simply went to her and asked for some tips and pointers. She was extremely nice and took her own time to come help set up meetings and get me going. She began working on the project with me even though she wasn't assigned to it and had other work to do. I have tremendous respect for her.

Even though I don't think she likes me much at all I never said she wasn't a nice person. She is very nice and works very hard and deserves better than she's likely to find in Memphis. If I could do anything to help her out I certainly would.

But clearly My Wife was much more nervous about the idea of me going off with the group to do anything, whether it be dancing or ballet, with My Attractive Female Coworker along, especially since My Wife would not be present.

You see, My Wife had to go home. She has to get up extra early tomorrow and could not stay out. So I would be going it alone. I already felt pretty sure that the idea of me going with the guys to throw one dollar bills at beautiful naked dancing girls did not thrill her, and I would likely be catching hell later on no matter what she said beforehand. But once My Attractive Female Coworker showed up I got a strong feeling that everything had changed. It was now NOT OK for me to go, and I had damned well better figure it out for myself because she wasn't going to say it in front of everyone.

So, trying to be a decent husband and being in a dark mood already, I went ahead and went home with My Wife. All the way home I kept thinking about the fun I was missing. All the way home I kept trying to figure a way out of the dark funk. All the way home I kept thinking about how my truck sounded like the engine was clicking louder than I had ever heard and perhaps it was low on oil. As I pulled into my driveway, my wife pulling in beside me, I noticed in the glare of her headlights smoke pouring out from under my hood.

Oh freakin' hell.
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Take The Quiz
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My Very Own Quiz

OK, I stole so many quizzes or surveys that I decided it was time I wrote one of my own as payback. So here it is. If you like it then steal it. I probably stole at least one from you at some point. If you don't like it then obviously you won't be stealing it. No big deal.

Why do you blog? Because I was advised to become a writer and I need practice writing.

Where are you now? At the computer, of course.

Where would you rather be if you could? At the beach. Almost any beach, really.

How old are you? Older than I used to be, but younger than I'll be when I die.

If you could have sex with anyone in the world with no consequences, who would it be? Heather Graham

If you could become someone else, who would you be? Someone rich and good-looking enough to be Heather Graham's boyfriend

What do you do for a living? Right now I wrangle unruly computer systems.

What would you prefer to do for a living? Invest my billions all day long

If you could go back to 9th grade and live your life over from there, would you? Sure. It was fun once. Why not twice?

Have you ever had an affair/relationship with someone at work? Not exactly.

What is the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever done? Danced

Would you sing karaoke in front of all your coworkers for $1000? No

Would you sing karaoke naked in front of a room filled with total strangers for $1000? No

Have you ever committed a crime, other than minor traffic offenses, and gotten away with it? Probably, but I can’t think of a specific one right now.

Do you copy surveys from other people’s blogs and put them on yours because you are too lazy to think of something more interesting to say, or because you think they are really fun? A little of both.

Do you think you are better looking now than you were in high school? No

Do you think you are a better driver now than you were in high school? No, I could do things with a car back then that I can’t seem to do anymore.

If you had $10 million what would you do with it? Pay off the house, buy a new car for me and My Wife, and invest the rest to try to make it $20 million.

Do you believe in the existence of (Jehovah) God? Yes.

Have you ever wondered why Universalist Unitarians, who don’t believe in any God or gods, go to church? Yes, I have tried to figure that one out for a long time.

Have you ever gone to a church that turned out to be so weird that you left before the service was over? No, but I’ve been to one that I should have walked out on and didn’t.

What is the worst car you’ve ever owned? What is the best? I’ve never had a car that I thought was terrible. The best probably is my minitruck. It never breaks. I had a 1973 Toyota Corolla once that was indestructible. But it got hit head-on by a minitruck exactly like mine. I drove it home, but it was never the same. I sold it for $25 less than I had paid for it, even with all the damage.

Have you ever crashed on a motorcycle? Yes, I slid sideways and then flipped. I ended up flying through the air backwards down the street until I landed on my back. It hurt.

If someone were to make a movie about your life, would it be any good? Well, I wouldn’t watch it. Except maybe the end, just to see how it comes out.

Have you ever had sex with someone and then realized you couldn’t remember their name? I can't remember.

If you could have any car you wanted, what would it be? Brand new Corvette with 427

Do you think people tend to consider you attractive? Some do and some don’t and I never know what to expect ahead of time

Do you think the feminist movement, regardless of what it may have been intended to be, is now a hate movement? Yes

Do you think politics today is nastier than it used to be? Not sure

Regardless of which party you prefer, do you think Hillary really is a bitch? Megabitch

Do you think Martha Stewart got what she deserved or got screwed? Screwed

Do you think Michael Jackson is guilty? I honestly don’t know. He seems guilty, but you never know until you’ve seen the evidence.

Do you think Jesse Jackson is a crook or a great civil rights leader? Used car salesman

How much money is in your wallet right now? How many credit cards? About $50. 2 credit cards.

Have you had a stereo or set of wheels on your car that cost more than the car itself? Nope, never.

Do you think Paris Hilton is pretty, just a rich whore, or both? Haven’t made up my mind yet.

Do you think the United States has been getting better, worse, or neither over the past 30 years? Steady decline, getting faster and faster as we go.

Do you ever drink milk from the container and then put it back? What about ice cream? No.

Have you ever taken nude photos of yourself or allowed someone else to? Some gay guy did, but I didn’t let him. He came into the locker room at the gym and shot me in the shower and then ran.

If you could live in any country except the country you live in today, what country would it be? Australia

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Survey says ...
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Another Survey

Proudly stolen from Katya Coldheart who may or may not have stolen it from Mimi

Where Do You Live - Memphis, the armpit of Tennessee

Sex or Ice Cream - It rather depends on sex with whom and what kind of ice cream, doesn't it?

What Color Underwear Are You Wearing Right Now - Who said I was wearing undewear?

What Are You Doing Right Now - Stealing a survey from Katya's fabulous blog

Who Was The Last Person You Went Out To Eat With - My current boss, my former boss, and my coworker from California who just had his American Express Card stolen from out of his wallet and is pretty angry about it.

If You Were A Toy What Would You Be - Jenny McCarthy's vibrator (Oh come on, what kind of answer did you expect?!)

Where Did You Go On Your Honeymoon - Cruise in the Caribbean

What Is Your Ring Tone - Thomas Dolby's generic Nokia default ringtone

Do You Wear Contacts - No, why would I do that?

What Was The Best Advice Ever Given To You - Stop asking God and just do it for yourself (not to be confused with 'there is no God.')

Do You Own A Vehicle - Many, many, many

What Are Your Future Plans - To make $1 million in the market before I'm 40 and then shift my investing to real estate where the really good money is.

Favourite Films - Bufford's Beach Bunnies, Tobacco Road, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Lord of the Rings Return of the King

Last Film You Saw At The Cinema - Lord of the Rings Return of the King

Do You Like To Dance - I answered this in a previous survey already. No, I do not like to dance. I will do it, but you won't like it either once you see me doing it.

Are You Too Shy To Ask Anyone Out - I can't even begin to tell you how many women I missed out on because of this. And let me tell you, when a woman knows you want to go out with her and she wants you to ask her out and you don't, good Lord God does she get MAD. And then you've got no shot ever again for the rest of your life. Women hold grudges forever.

Do You Sleep Naked - If I'm naked then I'm wide awake.

Christmas or Easter - Christmas

Lust or Love - Relating to whom?

Kisses or Hugs - Again, relating to whom? And what sort of kiss? Tongues may change my answer altogether, you know.

Worst Feeling In The World - "I think we should see other people. I don't love you anymore."

Worst Sound - The door closing behind her as she left.

Whats The First Thing You Do When You Wake Up - Get up and go pee. Get out of my way.

Roller Coaster, Scary or Exiting - If it wasn't scary then it wouldn't be exciting.

How Many Times Do You Let The Phone Ring Before Answering - We have an answering machine. Just leave a message.

Zodiac Sign - No U-turns

Is The Glass Half Empty or Half Full - The glass is being dumped out by the ACLU and sucked up by China

Best Physical Feature - My wife loves my butt. The girls who knew me from way back when say they like my chest. Nothing looks good to me in the mirror anymore, but I'm not going to try to convince them that they are wrong. That would just be dumb.

Milk or White Chocolate - Milk chocolate

Day or Night - Depends on what I want to do. Sunshine is vital to life. But night is vital to drinking and staying out way too late.

Summer or Winter - Summer

Cake or Pie - Either is fine

Diamonds or Pearls - Who are they for? Ask her what she prefers. That's what I'll be buying.

Sunrise or Sunset - Wasn't this a song from Fiddler on the Roof?

Have You Ever Broken A Bone - Tailbone. And I've sure bent a few, along with all the formerly attached ligaments.

Do You Hate Anyone - You betcha.

Do You Believe in Fighting - You betcha.

Who Do You Turn to For Advice - Depends on the topic. There are very few people I can really trust, either because they are untrustworthy or because they simply don't know. And there are even fewer who will not try to give an answer even if they are untrustworthy or don't know.

If You Could Have One Skill in Life What Would It Be - Making lots of money. Once you have that you can get so much more of everything else.

Where Is Your Favourite Place to Shop - The internet

What is Your Favourite Website - but only because I know a girl named Kelly Kline and we bug her to death about 'her' porn site. Actually, she was the one who told us about it. Too funny.

When You Were Little What Did You Want to Be When You Grew Up - Happy

Cat or Dog - I have 2 cats already. Now I need a dog.
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Yet Another Survey For You To Steal


2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING? I don’t tend to get real attached to them. And if I do it means I’ve been sweating and need to wash them.

3. THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? John Mayer’s CD with the song “Daughters” for My Wife

4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? I wake up somewhere around 8:30 where I find myself at my desk drinking coffee.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Whichever one gives me the least problems. I mean, seriously, how attached can you get to a kitchen appliance?

6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? I used to play guitar and piano. If I could sing worth a crap, that would be nice.

7. FAVORITE COLOR? On what? I like red cars, but tanned women. I like green grass and blonde hair. I like blue skies and white sand.

8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? I like sports cars, but since the roads are crap in Memphis I prefer the SUV.

9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE? Yep. We’re all living our own episode of 'Survivor' and after it’s over we’ll have to talk about it with God.

10. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? They say Lord of the Rings was a children’s book. Yes, one long 1500 page book, but the publisher broke it up into 3. Damned good book.



13. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? No tattoo per se, but I have some weird veins on my ribs that look kind of like Halle Berry.

14. CAN YOU JUGGLE? Yes. Wanna see?

15. THE ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? Joseph Stalin. I’d say, “Hey man, what’s your fuckin’ problem?” And then I’d kick his mass-murdering ass and make him be my bitch.


17. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR/TRUCK: You got a warrant?

18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Sushi is a nice girl, but she’s a little pale for my taste.

19. FROM THE PEOPLE YOU WILL EMAIL THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? Does blogging count as email? Stacy the Peanut Queen might respond with a comment, but since I stole the whole thing from her that’s probably all that will happen.

20. WHO'S LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? God. He doesn’t seem too keen on the whole internet thing. Still mostly sticks to prayer.

21. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? I stole it from Stacy the Peanut Queen

22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Self Rising. Is it ‘Blue Star?’ I can’t remember what brand it is.

23. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL? The next one, I guess.

24. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? Same time every year.

25. DESCRIBE YOUR PJS. Well, my ‘P’ is just a regular ‘P’, but my ‘J’s have a funny curl to them, unless I am writing with my left hand, which I sometimes do just out of boredom or because I’m injured. Mostly though, they’re just ‘J’s. Nothing to get excited about.
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Invisible Man

It doesn't seem to matter what I do. It doesn't seem to matter what I say. It doesn't seem to matter what I know. It doesn't seem to matter what I wear or where I am or what is going on or who is there. I am invisible.

Women who used to be happy to see me now no longer even know I am around. Or if they know they prefer to talk to someone else that I am with. Women I used to be easily in the same league with or better now don't give me the time of day.

The guys I work with blow me off. They hang out with each other, but couldn't care less to have me around. I seem to be fading away. It certainly feels that way.

I don't want to get down about it because when I get down I tend to get waaaay down. But I wonder if it is time for me to move on? Maybe it's just time to go? I sure would like to leave Memphis. I sure do want to get out of here. This is not my home. It never was and it most likely never will be. I just don't belong here.

Maybe this is why I blog?

Too bad I don't have blue eyes. Then I could sing myself a weepy little song.

"You don't know what it's liiiike
to be the bad man
to be the sad man
behind blue eyes."

See? It just doesn't work.
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A Fool And His Money - part 2 for 1

Today, in the middle of trying to hunt down zillions of little check image files for My Formerly Alleged Rival in Birmingham I decided to look at my stocks and see how much money I'm bleeding.

I discovered, much to my surprise, that I have exactly twice as many shares of Ebay as I had yesterday.

I looked again.

Yes, I still have twice as many shares of Ebay as I had yesterday.

Ebay split 2 for 1 today.


OK, this doesn't make my stock worth any more money. It doesn't increase my net worth by one red cent. But it's fun just the same.

That's probably why they split stocks like this, you know, because it's fun. That's my guess, anyway. There's probably other, more intellectual explanations for it, possibly involving making the stock more affordable to potential buyers and thus maintaining the volume of purchases and resulting influx of cash. Yeah, blah blah blah. BORING.

Anyway, now I've got a surplus of Ebay. I wonder if I could trade some shares for a bag of magic beans, plus get my cow back? That's called a 'twofer' in trading circles.
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IDH #1 - J Lo
Eh, I'd do her.
But then I'd run like hell.
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Anyone Else See A Problem?

Vandy 'divinity' professor to speak

Dr. Amy-Jill Levine, professor of New Testament studies at Vanderbilt University Divinity School, will speak on "Sex in the Texts" at the Memphis Ministers Association meeting at 10:30 a.m. Thursday at Idlewild Presbyterian Church.

Levine, a Jewish female supremacist, proudly describes herself as a "Yankee feminist who teaches in a predominantly Protestant divinity school in the buckle of the Bible Belt," Levine attempts to combine historical-critical rigor, literary-critical sensitivity, and a frequent dash of humor with a commitment to exposing and expunging anti-Jewish, sexist, and homophobic theologies.*

At 7:30 p.m. Thursday, Levine will speak on 'gender issues' and sexuality at Temple Israel. On Saturday, she will discuss "Seeing the miracles through Jewish Eyes" from 9:30 to 11:30 a.m. at Germantown Baptist Church. She will speak on "The DaVinci Code" from 1 to 3 p.m. at the church.

* words in italics deleted by Commercial Appeal when copying from, but without crediting, Vanderbuilt University.

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Redneck Ford Truck Terrorists Strike Again!

In the news

February 16, 2005


Police need help with hit-and-run case

Memphis traffic police were looking Tuesday for a vehicle involved in a hit-and-run collision on Summer Avenue that critically injured a 61-year-old bicyclist Monday.

The vehicle is described as a 1992-1996 Ford F-Series pickup. The truck probably has noticeable damage to the right, front headlight, right front turn signal and right parking light, police said Tuesday. The truck's hood and front grill may also have damage.

About 6 a.m. Monday, Clinton Lee was bicycling east on Summer, west of Graham, when the truck hit him, throwing him from the bike. Lee was taken to the Regional Medical Center at Memphis where he remained in critical condition Tuesday.

Anyone with information should call the Special Traffic Investigative Squad at 274-8106 or Crime Stoppers at 528-CASH.

I included this story because My Wife and I have been complaining ever since we moved here about the stupid redneck assholes trying to kill people with their trucks, usually Ford F-series trucks (in nearby Germantown they use SUVs for this instead, but it's essentially the same otherwise.) People who don't live here think we're crazy when we tell them about it. It just sounds too "Dukes of Hazard."

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Wifeisms V - Ford Momento

While driving back to work after lunch My Wife glanced over at a green lawn, freshly sprayed by a lawn service, and said, "I've been tempted to hire them to come spray our lawn. I figured it would give you some Ford momento."

"It would give me some what?"

"Ford momento. ..... Ford mo .... what am I trying to say?"

"Forward momentum?"


"Ha ha ha ha!"

"Shut up."
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Tamara Mitchell Ford - It's All John's Fault

Mitchell-Ford blames ex for alcohol woes
'I never had a drinking problem until I tried to leave John Ford'

By Marc Perrusquia (edited by Memphis Steve)
February 15, 2005

She patted her unborn baby, the child of her ex-husband, state Sen. John Ford, like money in the bank.

Then Tamara Mitchell-Ford tried to explain it all: her relationship with Ford, his recent troubles and her own 'struggles' with alcohol.

"I never had a drinking 'problem' until I tried to leave John Ford," she claimed in an interview Tuesday at her East Memphis home.

As John Ford battles ethics complaints in Nashville, including allegations he failed to disclose $237,000 received from a TennCare subcontractor, his ex-wife says she knows of other TennCare deals.

One, she says, paid her consulting fees for legal work she did in 1995 for the marketing arm of Access MedPlus, a now-defunct TennCare managed care organization.

Apparently Tamara has benefitted from John's activities as well.

But Mitchell-Ford was more interested in talking about her divorce.

In an unusual 2002 divorce decree approved by the now-deceased Chancellor Floyd Peete, the couple's property was not divided. Custody of their three children wasn't established and no child support payments were ordered -- all to the benefit of her powerful ex-husband, Tamara Mitchell-Ford claims.

"It was a political favor (from Peete) to him,'' she alleges.

"That's a damn lie,'' responded Ford's divorce attorney, David Caywood. A gentleman lawyer not normally given to such outbursts, Caywood said he was perturbed because Mitchell-Ford consented to the deal and even personally thanked him later.

Prominent Nashville divorce attorney Rose Palermo, asked to review the Ford divorce decree for The Commercial Appeal, agreed it was unusual but said it does appear consensual.

"I have no respect for Senator Ford," Palermo said, "but I don't think we can really blame (Ford or Peete) for this. It appears all the judge did was rubber stamp what the parties told him.''

So goes life for poor Tamara Mitchell-Ford, now 40. She was a 26-year-old law student when she married the Memphis Democrat in 1991, and her life has been a stream of 'confusing emotions' and outrageous behavior ever since.

She readily admits she doesn't have a full measure of credibility in many circles. A series of 'auto wrecks and spats,' -- including a 2001 incident when she steered her Jaguar into a rival woman's home -- took care of that. She spent three months in jail last year for traffic offenses and a probation violation.

But for most of her wrecks, brawls, and scandals she has never been held accountable. Some say she has grown much too accustomed to the privileged life.

She claims she's no longer drinking and looks forward to giving birth in April, when she'll open another chapter in her on-again, off-again life with Ford, 62.

Mitchell-Ford, patting her tummy, said, "This child. Is it legitimate or is it illegitimate? I don't know.''

If she doesn't know then who does?

That confusion spilled into headlines and onto TV news programs in January after Ford testified he keeps homes with his ex-wife and his longtime girlfriend, Connie Mathews, though neither is in his Senate district.

Ford gave his testimony while contesting a request for increased child support by a third woman, Dana M. Smith, with whom he has a 10-year-old girl.

Ford 'battled' Smith's petition with a law he sponsored in the General Assembly, and when his $356,000-a-year income became a motivating factor in the case, it led to disclosures that now have him in a spot with the Senate Ethics Committee.

From there, the plot only thickens.

Records indicate Ford had two children with Mathews in 1987 and 1992, and had three with Mitchell-Ford between 1991 and 1994. He and Smith also had a child in 1994.

Despite the couple's 2002 divorce, Mitchell-Ford is again pregnant, the result, she says, of a 'reconciliation' with Ford.

Her due date is April 20.

Withdrawal from alcohol, and coercion, she claims, 'led' her to enter a divorce settlement she didn't want. Her divorce decree required that she seek treatment for alcohol abuse. She said she went along with everything out of fear of losing her children.

Does this mean she never really wanted to be free from alcohol addiction? That she never truly regretted her outrageous behavior?

With no custody or support order and no assurances of a reunification, she is unsure of her future. She said she hopes to hire a lawyer to possibly reopen her divorce case, set aside the decree and 'renegotiate.'

"What do I do? Go (back) to Circuit Court for the three that I had during marriage and then take (Ford) before the Juvenile Court (to resolve support for her unborn child)? It's a very unsettling reality.''

The law Ford passed in the General Assembly is further 'aggravation,' she said. Because it requires judges to consider all the children financially supported by a noncustodial parent -- both those under child support orders and those not -- it can provide relief from paying higher court-ordered support amounts.

It also treats all children equally, leaving none to do without simply because their father is currently married to their mother. Tamara seems to feel this is specifically unfair to her.

Mitchell-Ford said her former husband has found another way to benefit himself. He gets credit for supporting her three children, and that credit includes paying a mortgage of a house he owns, 'building his equity.'

Again, Tamara seems to feel that this is somehow unfair to her.

"John Ford doesn't want to be held responsible for child support for any children, whether they're born in wedlock or whether they're born not in wedlock," she said.

Ford has repeatedly declined to discuss his controversies, and he did not respond to messages Tuesday.

Mitchell-Ford said she has little insight into Ford's 'soaring' income and any possible TennCare consulting. She acknowledged she received pay for legal work in 1995 from White, Richards & Associates, a Nashville firm that contracted with Access MedPlus, but said that came after an attorney general's opinion approved the deal.

"It was all legal,'' she claims.

What she didn't say, though, was that it was ethical.
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Who's Your Daddy? - Never A Dull Day In Memphis

Memphis Mayor moves to establish legal rights with infant

By Jacinthia Jones
February 15, 2005

Memphis Mayor Willie Herenton filed a petition Monday to establish parentage for his 41/2 -month-old son.

The petition is the first legal step toward establishing parental rights for a biological parent whose child was born out of wedlock.

An unwed parent can ask the courts to establish child support payments, set visitation rights or even require the child to carry the father's last name.

A court hearing date has not yet been set.

Public interest in the matter has swirled ever since the 64-year-old Herenton, who is divorced with three adult children, announced that he was a new father.

Then last week, the baby's 31-year-old mother, Claudine Marsh, who is single, also went public, saying that Herenton had only seen his child twice.

Herenton's attorney, Mitch Moskovitz, said the mayor filed the petition to "preserve and protect his right to parent the child."

Additionally, Herenton wants a court order to reflect the amount of child support that he is paying, Moskovitz said.

But Monday, Marsh said she was baffled by Herenton's decision to establish parentage.

"I have no idea what this is all about," she said. "All of this filing and fighting for parental rights, I think it's all very funny.

"I've never stopped him from seeing Michael. I had to beg him to come see his son."

Marsh said she believes the mayor is just embarrassed about the situation. "I have no question that he's the father. It's obvious that he is, I'm the one who asked for the DNA tests. And if he's the father, of course he has parental rights."

A blood test performed in December confirmed parentage.

Marsh says she has filed paperwork for child support, but court officials say there's no petition for support on file.

--Jacinthia Jones: 529-2780

Tennessee State Senator Ford faces ethics complaint

Filing asks lawmakers to look at senator's conduct on TennCare matter

By Richard locker and Marc Perrusquia
February 15, 2005

NASHVILLE -- A Clarksville man filed a complaint Monday against state Sen. John Ford with the Senate Ethics Committee over allegations that Ford did not properly disclose financial ties to a major TennCare contractor.

Barry Schmittou's complaint is the first sworn and notarized complaint filed with the committee since recent disclosures about the senator's personal finances.

The Tennessee Republican Party last week filed a complaint questioning whether Ford is a legal resident of the Memphis district he represents, but the panel declined to act because it did not follow Senate rules requiring complaints to be sworn and notarized.

Sen. Ron Ramsey of Blountville, chairman of the ethics committee and the Senate Republican majority leader, said Schmittou's complaint meets Senate rules and will be investigated. The state's TennCare Bureau also is reviewing the matter, and the Tennessee Bureau of Investigation is monitoring the situation.

Schmittou, 51, cited media reports disclosing that Ford received $237,000 from Managed Care Services Group 1 for unspecified services in 2002 and 2003, and that the firm had a governmental affairs consulting contract with Doral Dental.

Wisconsin-based Doral Dental won a three-year, $18 million contract in 2002 over one other bidder to provide dental coverage to about 620,000 children enrolled in the state's TennCare program.

A spokesman for Doral said the firm had a governmental affairs consulting contract with Philadelphia businessman Ronald R. Dobbins and his company, Managed Care Services Group, but terminated the contract last week after disclosures in The Commercial Appeal about links to Ford.

Using Dobbins's address, Ford formed a similarly named company in 2003, Managed Care Services Group, a limited partnership. Doral Dental says it has no independent knowledge that Ford had any involvement in their consulting contract.

Ford did not disclose his Managed Care Services income on financial interests forms that senators are required to file, both under state law and Senate rules.

Ford declined to comment on the complaint as he left the Senate chamber Monday evening. "Look, let me tell you fellows one thing: I have no comment or anything like that, period."

Schmittou also filed a complaint with the state Registry of Election Finance on Friday, over media reports indicating the senator spent money in his campaign fund on expenses associated with his daughter's wedding.

Sen. Ramsey met briefly with Schmittou Monday to receive his 33-page complaint. Unlike the letter filed last week by Tennessee GOP chairman Bob Davis, Ramsey said Schmittou's documents are a "valid, filed complaint" that will be turned over to the committee's staff lawyer and subcommittee for review. The committee will decide whether there is "probable cause" to believe Ford violated ethics rules and, if so, recommend action to the full committee.

In his complaint, Schmittou said if the media reports are true, "there can be no doubt that Senator Ford has violated the disclosure regulations." He also wrote, "I assert that if Senator Ford is found guilty of such a brazen violation of the Senate Ethics Code, (it) should result in an immediate effort to remove Senator Ford from office."

It is the fourth complaint that Schmittou has filed with the ethics committee in the past two years: one against Ford for his remarks in a Nashville TV station undercover report about his access to Super Bowl tickets; another against Ford for sponsoring legislation to alter child support laws while his own child-support case was pending in court; and another against state Sen. Jerry Cooper, D-McMinnville, over a state loan that helped finance a sale of industrial property.

In recent years, Schmittou has filed complaints against the state for not investigating his allegations of workers' compensation fraud against a former employer who fired him after his diagnosis with cancer that has left him blind in one eye.

Meantime, the state's top law enforcement agency, the TBI, is monitoring the Ford situation, but a spokesman said it isn't ready to open a criminal probe.

"It's definitely something that is on our radar,'' said TBI spokesman Jennifer Johnson. TennCare receives federal funds, and a TBI unit is responsible for monitoring criminal law violations on behalf of the federal government.

Doral Dental's $6.3-million-a-year TennCare contract, signed in September 2002, prohibits state employees or officials from receiving wages or compensation in exchange for services.

"I want to be clear,'' said Johnson. "It's not a disinterest on our part as much as it is we're just trying to evaluate it.''

-- Marc Perrusquia: 529-2545

Ford criticizes 'white media'
NAACP sidesteps request to support his position

By Richard Locker
February 9, 2005

NASHVILLE -- In his first public remarks about the controversies surrounding him, state Sen. John Ford lashed out at "white media" in a speech Tuesday to Tennessee NAACP leaders, whom he asked to issue a statement in his defense.

Ford said he is the target of press attacks because he's successful and doesn't "kowtow" to the media, which he said never reports on his record of helping others. Instead of criticism, he said he should receive "kudos" for supporting his children and the children of others.

The Memphis Democrat was one of several state officials who addressed about 150 NAACP leaders and youth from across the state on their annual visit to the Capitol to lobby for legislative priorities.

Most of the other officials spoke about the NAACP's state policy priorities, but Ford spent time talking about news coverage. Media stories have included his attempts to alter his child-support obligations, whether he legally resides in his Memphis Senate district, and whether he properly reported consulting income on state financial disclosure forms.

"The NAACP ought to make a statement on that, you know, because when we are silent, this white media and white community, they start thinking and believing, 'Well, it's OK.' But let me tell you the danger: when you allow them to tear down any of your black leaders, they are tearing you down also," Ford said.

The senator received polite applause during his speech but there was no movement among the NAACP leaders for either a resolution or statement in support.

"That's not an issue for the NAACP," Tennessee NAACP president Gloria Sweet-Love of Brownsville said when asked later whether the group planned to grant Ford's request.

"The issues that we came to the Hill to address -- against predatory lending, against any kind of sales tax increase, for reform of TennCare, for increasing the number of minority students receiving HOPE scholarships and for simplifying the law for giving voting rights back to ex-felons -- those are the issues that we came to address and that we will be articulating."

Sweet-Love said that in private discussions as they left the chamber members "wondered why he is bringing this up. That's what people were saying as we were walking outside, because it had nothing to do with our agenda."

Ford told the NAACP leaders during his speech that "most" reporters "are not real fair and credible when it comes down to us.

"You watch this: They are totally unfair when it comes down to black people, our folks. They figure, they say, 'Well, you know most black people, they ain't got nothing; they ain't going to stand up for nobody amongst them that they feel are successful.' But let me tell you this: I am one guy that has not forgotten about you.

"And I'm going to be honest with you: If it wasn't for things that really need to be done that very few others are doing, that have the courage and conviction to do it and the intelligence to do it and make a difference, I wouldn't stick around one day. I could move to Florida and live the good life but I don't choose to do that because a lot of our folks are not living the good life. Somebody has to make the sacrifice and put up with it."

Ford said the media singles out black people like him for criticism but does not give him credit for his successes.

"They never talk about that, you know, because I don't kowtow to them. Trust me, if you ever see me kowtowing to them, that's the day I'm going to quit. I'm not going to kowtow to any of them because of these old egregious things and everything like that, and criticism about me spending time with my children.

"It's really kind of nutty. I should be getting kudos for doing what I do, for supporting them to the extent that I do. Instead I get criticism. It doesn't make any sense at all. I know a lot of black people that won't even support their own children, and I support all of mine beyond a normal standard of living and I get criticized for doing so.

"I mean that's really egregious and it's very insensitive and it really doesn't make any kind of sense."

Contact Nashville Bureau chief Richard Locker at (615) 255-4923.

Ford Jr.: It's 'his life, not mine'
Uncle responsible for own choices, he says

By Richard Locker
February 8, 2005

NASHVILLE -- Rep. Harold Ford Jr. said his uncle, state Sen. John Ford, is responsible for the personal choices that have landed him in headlines but said he hopes Tennesseans will distinguish between the two Fords of Memphis as he runs for the U.S. Senate.

"I wish I could pick my family, and if I could, I'd share that recipe with everybody else," the congressman said here Monday night. "My uncle lives his life and I live mine. I'm proud to say that at 34 years old, I've never used a drug in my life, I've never been arrested.

"Again, I love him but that's his life, not mine."

Meanwhile, the state Senate's top Republican leader vowed Monday night that if ethics complaints are filed against John Ford in the Senate, "they will be pursued and won't be swept under the carpet."

Republican Majority Leader Ron Ramsey, also the new chairman of the Senate Ethics Committee, said any citizen or legislator can file an ethics complaint against a senator. Tennessee Republican Party chairman Bob Davis said on Jan. 27 that he planned to file "in the next couple of days" an ethics complaint questioning whether John Ford is a legal resident of his Senate District 29 in Memphis, but Ramsey said no complaint has been received.

Ramsey said whether Ford is in violation of Senate district residency laws "will be very difficult to prove" because case law on the issue is confusing. Ford says his legal residence is 12 South Parkway W., his family's funeral home, and not the two houses outside the Senate district that he testified in a Juvenile Court deposition he shares with two women and the children he has fathered with them.

Ramsey also said he is aware of, but had not read, a report in The Commercial Appeal Sunday that raised questions about whether John Ford had properly reported, on state financial disclosure forms, the sources of $237,000 he made from a business partnership in 2002 and 2003.

"If there's a complaint on that, we'll act at that time," said Ramsey, R-Blountville.

As press reports about John Ford's personal life mount, there has been increasing speculation about the impact on the Democratic bid for the U.S. Senate next year of his nephew, Congressman Ford. After a speech to the Tennessee Credit Union League here Monday, the congressman responded to reporters' questions about the matter and whether opponents might try to link him to his uncle in the minds of voters.

Said Harold Ford Jr.: "There may be some of that, but the reality is, my uncle has created a lot of this -- I mean some of the personal choices. I love my uncle; I'm not here to beat up on my uncle. I believe people will be able to separate the two.

"He'll have to answer questions about his personal life. I don't blame anybody. The press didn't make him go to court and do what he did. And the press didn't make him make some of the choices he's made.

"I think the main thing is, in my city over the last eight years, I've worked mightily and I think made great strides in creating a persona, political persona, independent of anyone. ... Am I different than my Dad (former congressman Harold Ford Sr.)? Sure. Am I different than my uncle? Very. Will voters be able to separate that? I'm going to work over the next year and several months to get them to know me and get them to know the kind of politics that I would bring to the United States Senate and kind of approach I would bring."

Contact Nashville Bureau chief Richard Locker at (615) 255-4923.

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My Wife gave me a special Valentine today. She wrote it last night and had intended to hide it somewhere around the house for me to find, as she has done with several others. But she couldn't stop laughing about it and so she finally just handed it to me so she could see my reaction.

Here is what it said:

Roses are red
Violents are blue
Good Lord, Flush
'Cause I smell you

You are my Stinky Roo
Love, Pooh

Happy Valentine's Day!
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Cowpitalism Explained

You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

You have two cows.
Both of them are gay.
You market them as funny, quirky, harmless gay cows.
The gay cows movie doesn't do well in theaters.
But you make a fortune on video rentals and sales.
Then you rerelease the bad cow movie in DVD and make another fortune.
You announce gay cow day at your theme parks. Families boycott and you lose money, but you keep doing it anyway. You don't care what the public thinks because most of your money comes from rereleasing old movies that were made long before most of the people running Disney today were even born and the toys associated with those movies.
You are rich, fat, and gay.

You have two cows.
Some college professors start encouraging your cows to rise up and overthrow the bonds of cowhood.
The cows become cowminists.
They refuse to produce milk or calves.
They sue for species discrimination.
They sue the bulls for sexual harassment.
They produce nothing.
They steal all the corporate profits with lawsuits over accusations of slights and invisible barriers to their success that only they can see.
The bulls run off.
The Federal Government orders that cows be put in charge of the corporation.
Several cows form the National Organization for Cows and begin suing other corporations.
They make a lot of money.
They lobby the government to pass the Violence Against Cows Act, which provides cowminists with an annual budget of $10 billion and creates special courts that prosecute bulls for claims that they abuse cows.
The bulls are always found guilty.
The cowminists use the rest of the money to spread cowminism throughtout the world.
Soon there is a global milk and calf shortage.
No one can figure out why.
Politicians make speeches declaring that the world simply doesn't need milk or calves because we can clone our cows, eliminate bad old bulls and drink Pepsi.
Pepsi gets caught in a scandal alleging they've been bribing members of the U.S. Congress.
Pepsi denies everything and sends Britney Spears to testify for them.
The Chinese take over the world.

You have two cows.
You refuse to milk them for fear that you might be accused of exploiting them.
You drink wine and get caught in figure skating scandals.
Your corporation is a joke.

You have 2 cows.
An American movie producer pays you a fortune for them because Americans think Australian cows are dreamy and have nice butts.
You both get rich.
You buy other cows.

You have two cows and nowhere to graze them.
You invent synthetic milk and sell it to milk-starved Americans.

You have two cows.
You reengineer them so they can run at 100 miles per hour and race them in the Olympics, but you lose to the Russians.

You have two cows.
Both are mad.

You have two cows.
You threaten to break their legs unless they pay you for protection.

You have two cows.
You launch them into space.
They orbit the Earth for a month.
Then the Americans try to outdo you by launching three cows into space for two months.
The American space cows become part of a highly successful reality TV program.
Your space station crashes.

You have goats.
None of this concerns you.

You have two cows.
You claim that one of them has six arms and the head of an elephant.
No one will milk it.
You build a shrine and sacrifice potatoes to it.

You have two cows.
You train them to handle complex military weaponry.
You watch the Americans and wait.

You have two cows.
Someone hits one of them with a rock.
Soon you are engaged in a small war with the cows across the street.
No one has time for milking.

You have two cows.
They are attracted to each other.
You get nothing from them.
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Nosy Questions and Appropriate Answers

This questionaire thing was sent to me back in 2000. Since everyone is posting 'quizzes' to their blogs I'll post this, complete with the answers I gave way back then. Have fun with it. Send your answers to the IRS or the FBI. Enjoy.

Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know INCLUDING the person who sent it to you. The theory is that you will learn of a lot of little known facts about your friends. Don't forget to send it to the person who sent it to you!

1.What time is it: Time to stop reading email and get to work
2.Name as it appears on your birth certificate: Prince Charles III
3.Nickname: 'Yes yes yes yes!'
4.Parent's names: James Stewart and Grace Kelly
5.# of candles that appeared on your last cake: I don't know, they disappeared as suddenly as they appeared. Wooooooo, spooky!
6.Date that you regularly blow them out: July 4th (I like to let them burn for a long time)
7.Pets: 2 cats and a Chevelle
8.Height:5' 11" - 6', depending on which foot I stand on.
9.Eye color: Crayola Brown
10. Hair color: Brown, with gray hilights (thanks, UAH.)
11. Piercings: one in left shin from Tony King's grandmother's metal lawn furniture, high school, a pitch black night, and running through the yard.
12.Tattoos: Giant Dallas Cowboy's star right in the center of my face (or was that just a dream?)
13.How much do you love your job (1-10): About as much as you love yours
14.Birthplace: hospital delivery room
15.Hometown: Hey, remember that stupid play, 'Our Town,' that they made us watch in high school English class? What was up with that? It just sucked and it went on and on and on, sort of like the presidential election down in Florida.
16.Current residence: Memphis, TN
17. Been in love before? Yes, but then she married Brad Pitt and broke my heart.
18.Been to Africa? Like I said, I live in Memphis, TN
19.Been toilet papering? Yes, and I'm darned good at it.
20.Been toilet papered? No, Dad had one of those "I don't dial 911" stickers on the garage door and he meant it. It wasn't that he was mean, he was just real laid back.
22.Been in a car crash? Umm, yes. I totaled my Monte Carlo twice and fixed it both times (my fault both times), hit a stupid old retired English teacher while driving my dad's 1969 Buick Wildcat on Airport Road (her fault and her bad judgement to cut off a '69 Buick with an '84 Buick), had a head-on collision with a pickup in my Toyota Corolla (his fault), hit a screaming black woman driving a Ford on Sparkman in my Nissan 200SX (her fault and she had no insurance which turned out to be why she was screaming), got sideswiped by an unemployed drunken redneck named Johnny Forsythe in Mississippi and watched the police rough him up and take him away (his fault), rode in the back seat of Mike Aiello's Mercury Marquis when he was drunk and hit a Mustang II on Brandywine next door to Shannon Huckaby's house and then ran for it only to get caught (his fault for hitting a parked car and his fault he got caught), rode in the back seat of my oldest sister's '64 Impala when she backed into my other sister's Ford truck, … ah, memories … I could go on and on.
23.Croutons or bacon bits? Sure, whatever.
24.2-doors or 4-doors on car? 2 doors and a big block V8 engine
25.Coffee or coffee ice cream? It is a sin to mix coffee with ice cream. I don't know where it says that in the Bible, but I swear it should be in there.
26.Blanket or stuffed animal? Wife
27.Dumper or dumpee? I recycle
28.Salad dressing: French Canadian
29.Color of socks: Formerly black, now sort of bluish gray
30.Favorite Number: 930 and recounting AGAIN!
31.Favorite Movie: Bufford's Beach Bunnies
32.Favorite Holiday: Billie
33.Favorite foods: Caviar Pizza
34.Favorite day of the week: Payday
35.Favorite Song at the Moment: Lets Go Krogering
36.Favorite TV show: Friends, 3rd Rock, Nova
37.Restaurant: Dunkin' Donuts
38.Flower: I don't care. I just fertilize the heck out of whatever My Wife plants and hope for the best. It seems to work.
39.Least favorite things: Florida recounts and recounts and recounts, New York Senators from Arkansas, Peter Jennings, minivans, cell phones, Rosie, Faith Hill's newest song with that stupid voice synthesizer that Cher used in her last bad song, Sally Fields on ER, Ad Council commercials that preach like a political version of a Sunday sermon and use my tax money to do it, Nike commercials, Monica Seles grunting, the Pontiac Aztec, egomaniacs and narcissists, commercials for lawyers, rap, Oprah, TV judges, shows about lawyers and judges, situation comedies that preach and/or turn serious, ABC/Disney, not having cable to watch South Park.
40. Toothpaste: Crest
41.Fast Food Place: They aren't fast anymore
42.When was your last hospital visit: Last year
43.Favorite drink: water
44.Alcoholic Drink: Really old orange juice
45.What color is your bedroom carpet? Imitation white
46.How many times did you fail your driver's license test? There was supposed to be a test?!
47.What do you think of Oujia boards? They are hard to surf on.
48.Where do you see yourself in 10 years? In the mirror, same as now.
49.Who is the last e-mail you received from? Mr. and Mrs. Spam
50.Which single store would you choose to max your credit card? Franklin Mercedes
What happened to question 51? Al Gore claimed it as a vote for him.
52.What do you do most often when you get bored? Read email
53.What words or phrases do you overuse? 'speed up or get over, Grandma/Grandpa/Bitch/Butthead!' ( - see Least Favorite Things: minivan)
54.Name the person that you are friends with that live the furthest: Jeff - the Netherlands.
55.Name and age when your first kiss was: about 6 years old, I kissed Wendy King in a game of Truth or Dare in the bushes. Didn't get kissed back until 9th grade by Heather Howard.
56.Best things: What do you mean - favorite things? Musclecars, my cats, my wife, cordless tools, spandex, faster computers, faster internet connections, bookstores, watching the birds feed in our backyard while Eliza our cat hunts them, making more money than I did at my last job for doing the same thing, caller id, creatine, Victoria Secrets commercials, that bra commercial where they paint it on, winning in soccer against a team that was particularly obnoxious.
57. Bedtime: 10 - 11 p.m., depending on whether I watched the Friends rerun that night.
58.Who will respond to this the fastest? I just did
59.Who will least likely respond to this? Hillary Clinton, because I didn't send it to her
60.What time is it now? Time to go potty

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