First was the Cellphone Dick in the Humvee. He stopped his giant military status symbol in the middle of the road, causing 4 cars behind him to skid and swerve to avoid crashing into him as he gave no warning whatever. I was headed in the opposite direction and had stopped to turn left. I had my blinker on, as normal people do in this situation. Cellphone Dickhead Humvee was apparently also trying to turn left, directly in front of me and in the opposite direction. He was too busy talking on his cellphone to be bothered with a blinker or the other cars so he just flew up to where I was waiting to turn, jumped on his brakes without warning, briefly stopped, and then sped across traffic even though it wasn't clear. The cars behind him nearly crashed. The cars he crossed in front of skidded and nearly crashed. I myself sat there watching all this and thinking, "Oh shit, it's gonna be like that today, is it?"
Yes, it was.
The next major obstacle was of course the infamous 4-way-stop in Cordova near Lesbian Elvis' apartment. Yesterday someone in a hatchback decided to take 2 of the 3 lanes going East. Then they drove all the way up Trinity in 2 lanes. Today a woman in a big Lincoln Towncar decided that she, too, wanted 2 of the 3 lanes. Mostly though, she wanted the center lane. She just stuck 2 tires in the right lane. The thing was, she was turning right. So she blocked 2 lanes and then turned right from the center lane.
For the drive from there I had a Toyota SUV glued to my ass. A woman in a GMC Yukon 4-door with a Fireman's license plate was impatiently pushing traffic along in front of me. When we reached My Little Redneck Town and came to the section of road that becomes 4-lanes she made it a point to drive in both lanes going our way. The lanes are not particularly small. It was not difficult for her to drive in her own lane. No, she just wanted to block traffic in case anyone wanted to pass. So she put 2 wheels in the left lane and 2 in the right and straddled those dashed white lines all the way down the street.
Under normal circumstances I might pass her anyway, but as I posted in Loonies IX, I passed a white Chevy Van on Friday on this same stretch of road. As I did so he looked at me, then swerved my way and came into my lane. He sideswiped me. Yes, welcome to Redneckville.
As I said, under normal circumstances I might pass her anyway, but today I was fully aware of the general mood in traffic, which I would describe quite delicately as 'psychotic.' Plus, this bitch was moving pretty fast. As soon as she saw open road she straddled those white dashed lines and hit the gas. She was moving. The Toyota that had been trying to buttfuck me all the way down the road disappeared at this point. I don't know if I was so distracted with 2-Lane-Sally that I just blocked him out of my mind or if he actually turned off somewhere, but he never passed by so I'm guessing he turned.
Either that or he saw 2-Lane-Sally, too, and decided it was safer with me between the two of them. Who can say?
So all the way down the 4-lane road she straddled the lanes as she rocketed along.
Did you ever notice that anyone who drives faster than you is a lunatic, while everyone slower is an idiot? Funny how that works.
We both turned onto another 4-lane-road, which was heavy with traffic. I was anxious to see if she continued her special way of driving. Surpisingly, she did not. I assume she suddenly realized what those odd white lines on the pavement were for and decided to comply. I know it wasn't because she saw a cop, because with her Fireman's tag she can do absolutely whatever the hell she wants to in My Little Redneck Town with complete immunity from the laws. This I know for a fact.
I carefully battled my way home from there and parked my truck in the driveway with relief. I had made it through some of the most obnoxious traffic I had seen in years.
And now I'm supposed to get all fired up to get back in that traffic and drive to the gym. Oh Lord, give me strength.
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