Dr Seuss on Aging

old cat in the hat

Just in case you weren't feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1987 . They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.

Their lifetime has always included AIDS.

The CD was introduced the year they were born.

They have always had an answering machine

They have always had cable.

Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.

Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.

They never took a swim and thought about Jaws!

They don't know who Mork was or where he was from.

They never heard: "Where's the Beef?", or "de plane Boss, de plane".

They don't have a clue how to use a typewriter

Save the earth. It's the only planet with chocolate
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FYF - Politics in Full Swing

fuck you friday
Fuck You Friday

It's the last January Fuck You Friday for 2007.

The Glorious Word Warriors are at it again.
The fun never ends as long as there is a U.S. Congress.

UK poll reveals striking ignorance of Holocaust

Don’t feel bad. Here in the United States we don’t even know who founded our own country or why. We used to know, but then we decided that social activism was the only purpose for our public schools and so now we don’t know our asses from a hole in the ground, let alone what happened in Germany 70 years ago. Hitler? Stalin? Roosevelt? Churchill? Who are these people of which you speak?

U.N. Assembly condemns Holocaust denials

I’m sorry. It’s one thing to be impatient with someone who disagrees with you or doesn’t believe what you believe or went to a public school, but this whole assault on anyone who dares to deny any single part of the official story of the Holocaust has reached the point of being fanatical and ridiculous. There are American professors who deny that Joseph Stalin was even a bad guy, let alone a mass murdering tyrant. I don’t hear anyone from the U.N. condemning them for that. Let’s get with the program here. If someone disagrees or flat out doesn’t believe, that’s their business. But going off like Rosie O’Donnell just makes me think someone doth protest too much here. What’s up with this?

Student fatally stabbed at Mass. H.S.

Isn’t Massachusetts the heart of feminism, the birthplace of gay marriage, the pillar of progressivism, the shining city upon a hill? Where is all that utopian peace and love they talk so much about? Where is the happiness, the joy, the enlightenment, the big giant hug of perpetual bliss that comes from feeling morally superior to everyone else? How can this be?!

Pesticide found in mutated fish, Potomac

They have found that the river is absolutely loaded with what the EPA calls “estrogenic compounds” which effectively castrate male animals and especially the fish living in the water. This explains so much about what has happened in Washington D.C. over the years.

House to mull alternative energy tax: official

The Democrats have just gotten in the door and already they’ve created a new tax increase for us all. Who saw this coming?

Pet shop owner creates beer for dogs

And next year, football and pizza for dogs. Yay America!

Burglars break into flower shop 30 times

They were constantly getting into trouble with their girlfriends, so they kept having to go back.

Drought drives snakes to the cities

Yes, they’re called politicians and you’ll know them because they’re always overdressed and smiling and wanting to shake your hand. And they’ve been poisoned with ‘estrogenic compounds’ that swing their moods wildly and compel them to spend way too much money on useless trivialities because some lobbyist said it was on sale.

Man kicked off flight for Bush-bashing T-shirt

Apparently the Australians have a ban on obnoxiousness. T-shirt lovers beware. Your right to be a dickhead to everyone else ends as soon as you exit the boundaries of the United States of America.

Breast cancer research nears $1B spent

Meanwhile, the $50 provided for all prostate cancer research is completely exhausted. Sorry Dad.

Americans not getting enough preventive healthcare

Which Americans, the female-Americans or the male-Americans? If this isn’t a political campaign masquerading as news I don’t know what is.

AIDS group to sue Pfizer over Viagra ads

Shut the fuck up! Seriously?!

Pfizer to slash 10,000 jobs to cut costs

Lawsuits cost a lot of money, or workers, whichever way you want to look at it. Either way, it ends up the same way, with parents suddenly out of work and unable to pay their rapidly rising taxes so everyone else can have government mandated health insurance.

Chavez to U.S. officials: 'Go to hell'

U.S. Marines to Chavez – “ladies first, biatch.”

Anti-missile shield not aimed at Russia: U.S.

Why would Russia be asking about this? A missile shield isn’t anything they should be concerned about if they aren’t planning to attack us. Oh wait, now I see.

Clinton "in to win" fight for White House

Plenty of blackmail via huge stash of illegal FBI files to follow. After that, she’ll take on the Republicans.

Woman claims husband has threatened to kill her, 2 boys if they don't follow Islam

It’s the religion of peace. After they kill you, you can finally rest in peace.

Earth's Moon Destined to Disintegrate

So is Barbara Walter’s face, but it’s still got awhile to go yet.

CEOs ask Bush to back climate protection

Show me a list of their names and together we’ll track the stocks of the companies they run. We’ll watch as they follow what we call the “America Online/Steve Case Corporate Activism Curve”, which is a perfect arc, starting at zero and going up to a point before peaking and dropping all the way back down to zero again. Yes, there is something to be learned here. If I have to explain it then you probably still won’t grasp it.

Gender matters in plasma transfusions

No, gender doesn’t matter. This is science, not fantasy. It doesn’t matter how you present yourself to society or what role you choose to play. What matters is your biological sex, and that is not necessarily the same thing.

Diver says he was partly swallowed by shark

Wow, that’s partly gotta suck.

Japanese toy firms look to adults

This is a sad testament to the consequences of our modern choices. There just aren’t any children being born. We are the last generation. So the Japanese are marketing toys for adults now. And here in the United States there are enough overgrown children that this will probably work very well. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go play on my Xbox.

Stinging "blueys" invade Australian beaches

Oh hell, I hate jellyfish. But I love Australia. If I ever do move there I’m going to have to invent some kind of jellyfish killing robot that swims out ahead of me and blasts these damn things into vapor, leaving nothing behind for me to swim face-first into. I wonder if jellyfish could somehow be turned into some sort of alternative fuel? That would be a nice ‘green’ way to justify wiping them off the face of the Earth, don’t you think?

Texas man has prayer in his heart, machete in his hand

This is what is known as “compartmentalizing” and our beloved former President Clinton was a master at it. “I am one hundred percent opposed to sexual harassment of women. Now get on your knees and suck it, bitch.”

Woman accused of ordering hit on husband claims nanny masterminded the plot

This must be a side of Fran Drescher that we never knew existed.

World's third face transplant performed in France

That wacky Michael Jackson!

Trouble identifying odors points to Alzheimer's

Uh oh, I’ve had this problem since the day I was born. No wonder I forget things!

Antidepressants may raise bone risk

Soooooo, if you take antidepressants you are more likely to want to ride the bone? How is this a bad thing?

Man arrested for smuggling 500 parrots in a car

That must be one hell of a car! If not, I’ll guarantee it looks like hell now.

Sharon Stone film in fight for worst film award

Go Sharon, go! All the way back home and stay there.

NYC newcomer gets lost for five days

OK, I realize there is a lot to see and do in NYC, but shit, wandering around for five whole days? Dude, go home and get some sleep.

Woman gets stuck in bathtub for 4 days

Geez, clean your damn tub before you get in it next time! Yuck! No, I’m kidding. She was too weak to get out. She doesn’t eats her spinach.

Agents find cocaine in broccoli load

My salad tasted funny. But I sure feel good after eating it!

China won't relax 1-child policy

The whole world has a child-shortage, but in China they have a surplus. You’d think they’d start exporting them, like the Arabs do with oil. Except not for use as fuel. That would be evil.

NKorea envoy upbeat on meeting with Hill

He’s a big Faith Hill fan. Little does he realize …

Bellevue Baptist Fires Minister Over Alleged Sexual Abuse

Um, I’m sorry, but being accused is not the same as being guilty. And this man hasn’t even been accused by the police. So there seems to be a problem here.

Cowboys' Parcells retires from coaching (AP)

My wife, of all people, predicted this months ago, back before they switched quarterbacks. She just looked at him and said, “He’s not yelling or anything like he used to. Is he sick?” I looked at him myself and started to notice that he was just not into it anymore. He didn’t get excited. He didn’t get mad. He didn’t react at all. He just looked disgusted and detached most of the time. It reminded me of watching the Chicago Cubs.

Kerry will not seek White House in 2008

Hillary must have shown him his “file”. Who knows what dark secrets lay in there? Hillary does.

Woman takes potty break, falls in lake

Wow, that’s gotta suck! But I’ll bet you she peed in there anyway.

Dems seek GOP support on Iraq resolution

I’m gonna have to call “bullshit” on this one.

Ford posts worst loss in its history

They’ve been dedicating themselves to their religion of politics and “social reform” instead of focusing on their cars and in the process they’ve pisssed off a lot of people and pissed away a lot of business. Where have I seen this before? Oh yeah, AOL.

Obama calls for universal health care

Of course he does. You know what I think? I think Obama is nothing more than a sinister trick by Hillary Clinton. Obama is just Hillary wearing a mask and some shoe polish on her hands. You notice you never see any photos of Obama in a bathing suit? Yeah, because she can’t pull that one off. It’s a hedge, in case she should stumble and lose the black vote or the white liberal vote, she figures she can win it as a black man. And if Obama should get the nomination then he, of course, chooses Hillary as his Vice President. That way Hillary ends up running the country no matter what. You notice you never see either of them together at the same time?

Dems wary of Iraq reconstruction cost

Are you kidding me? When have the Democrats ever cared about the cost of anything? They don’t even know what cost actually means. It’s one of those mysterious ‘money words’ that they can’t quite comprehend. It’s like ‘balanced budget’ or ‘overtaxed’. You might as well be speaking Spanish to them.

Calif. agency sues over air pollution

Yeah, ‘cause that’ll fix it.

New suit planned over Brooklyn oil spill

In what was once known as the Great American Can-Do Spirit, we used to believe in doing things through our own hard work and applied intellect. But not anymore. Today we believe we can solve any problem by simply suing the living shit out of it and having some drug-addicted, penis-pumping, transvestite judge whack a gavel around and order the problem to magically resolve itself. Good God, if the WWII generation was the “Greatest Generation” then we must be the “Lamest Generation”.

Obama sets goal of health care for all Americans

And a Hoveround for everyone! Followed immediately by the largest tax increase in American history coupled with the fastest economic decline.

Spot in brain may control smoking urge

With all the researching being done exclusively on women you’d think at some point they could find what spot in the brain controls the “Oprah urge” ‘cause that needs to be cured, and fast!

Wash. lawmaker: bars shouldn't bar dogs

Slowly but surely we are transforming into a Paris Hilton nation, where instead of children we have ‘wittle doggie woggies’ that we roll around in strollers and pretend are actually our children. It has now reached the point at which politicians feel the need to punish bar owners who refuse to allow Paris to bring her doggie woggie into the bar with her while she gets blasted. And, of course, anyone else who wants to bring their dog into the bar can, too. So, you can’t smoke in the bar because that’s nasty. But by God, you can most certainly bring your dog in and let him sit on a stool right next to you. Who knows? You might even get him laid while he’s there checking out the other pathetic drunk people’s dogs. Coming soon: bar owners prohibited from interfering with doggie sex in the bathrooms.

Fashion chiefs agree to discuss ultra-thin models

My friends and I do this from time to time. It goes like this: “Would you do her?” “Mmmm, maybe.” “What about her?” “Definitely!” “Ew, what about that one?” “Gross, no way!”

Bush address draws 45.5 million U.S. TV viewers

I must admit, I used the two hours his speech ran to catch up on reading this week’s newspapers. My Wife was fairly upset that “House” wasn’t going to be on, but she enjoyed reading her book. I suppose I should be ashamed, being that I am doing this weekly political commentary and all, but Kami watched it and she said it wasn’t any good so I don’t think it’s going to get picked up as a regular series. Then again, if “ER” is still running, as pathetic as it is, then I guess anything is possible.

California bans dirty power sources

The religious fanatics who currently rule California are so in love with rolling blackouts that they have just ordered several more. They’ve decided that anyone who wants to buy power from any source other than Beverly Hills’ approved green utility companies, in which they probably own substantial shares, are not permitted to do so. No, it is now considered heresy against the Church of the California Green Fairy Princess to buy any electricity from anyone whom the church has not approved. Currently over 20 percent of California’s power comes from non-believers. This blasphemy is now being ended with the stroke of an ego. And a pen.

Polite nude jogger shocks hikers, bikers

This sounds familiar. Didn’t a certain beautiful female blogger used to do this in Austin? Trojan, would you know anything about this?

Bush: `I'm the decision-maker' on Iraq

I suddenly smell something unpleasant. It sounds like a deal has been made and it’s not going to make either side happy when all is said and done. Just a hunch.

Mountain lion attacks hiker in Calif.

The mountain lion met up with an angry California girl and the angry California girl won!

Police: Fugitive took singer Gayle's bus

Crystal Gayle is a genius! Who else could have gotten themselves into the spotlight so effortlessly and yet so ingeniously? Britney has to take off her panties to get the kind of media attention that Crystal Gayle is getting by simply leaving the keys in her bus.

N.Korea says South's Web ban violates freedom

Pot. Kettle. Black.

Ultraviolet light key to spider mating

I don’t know what it is. She just seems to light up the room.

Brain harvest probe ends without charges

Apparently these medical thieves broke into a meeting of the American Association of Trial Attorneys and stole as many brains as they could. No one noticed any difference so no charges were filed.

Norway may ease ban on stem cell study

No, not stem cell study. Embryonic stem cell study. The difference is significant. Which is why they left it out of the headline in the first place. Censorship via omission.

Workers free tangled whale off N.C.

Rosie O’Donnell was in North Carolina? I wonder what for?

Pelosi in Iraq to see for herself how war is going

Oh please God please! No, I’m kidding. I’m sure her replacement wouldn’t make me any happier.

Bomb kills 15 as Pelosi visits Baghdad

Oooooh, so close!

Hollywood stars choose between Clinton, Obama

So that whole pretense of not being biased is just right out the window now, eh? That’s good to know.

Maine revolts against digital U.S. ID card

Just say “no”

Alternative medicine rarely discussed with doctors

Well hell, who wants to pay a $25 copay just to say to your doctor, “I burned a candle over him and shoved pepper and vinegar up his nose, but he didn’t get any better. What did I do wrong?”

Study: Most diabetics don't exercise

Ya think?

Mammogram rate drops slightly in U.S.

In direct proportion to the rate of breast implants, perhaps?

Actress Nicole Kidman, 7 others hurt on movie set

Nicole crashed a car into a pole while filming, prompting someone in the crew to say “women drivers!” Nicole then went on an “estrogenic compound” induced rampage and attacked 7 people because she wasn’t sure who had said it.

Baggy pants trip up robbery suspect


N.J. warns: Don't eat squirrel near dump

Every time I think of New Jersey it brings to mind jacked-up Camaros, mullets, and now, toxic squirrel eating. Arkansas and Mississippi are SO grateful for New Jersey, let me tell you!

Report calls for focus on lung cancer in women

Of course it does, because men don't get lung cancer and there isn't a dime being spent on health research for women, right? Sure.

global warming inquisition

congress at the alamo

spineless gop

un trainwreck

jessica simpson and obama

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I Had A Dream Last Night

I've just now remembered that I had a dream last night. It was about my father.

My Wife and I had moved into a different house somewhere. I have no idea where we were, but it was a strange house. I had apparently come home from work and was coming inside to change clothes. My father was there and he walked around the house with me, talking and giving me advice while I changed clothes and did all the things I do when I first come home after work.

I was aware that I hadn't seen him in a long time, but I wasn't aware of why. I was glad to see him. I was even glad to hear his advice, perhaps because it's been such a long time.

My Wife came home, too, and was going about the house doing all the things she does right after work. It was nighttime and dark out. I remember walking up and down a narrow hallway, talking to my dad as I went and he went with me. But I can't remember what we talked about. I don't believe I did anything specific or important, just walking around talking to my dad, putting on my clothes and knocking around in the kitchen or something.

I vaguely remember leaving the house to go get an old car, a Chevelle or a Cutlass or something. My dad went with me, I believe, and we brought the car home. Apparently it was mine and I had left it at a gas station for some reason.

I have no idea why I dreamed this. I know I haven't ever really dealt with my father's death, but this dream doesn't seem much like dealing with anything either. It just reminds me of how things were before he died. We talked a lot and I asked him about all sorts of things. Often his advice wasn't really helpful as we both got older, but it was always good to know he was there just in case. He was a highly intelligent man and he knew a lot of things about a lot of things.

I suppose there is a good chance I may be fighting off this flu that is going around. That would certainly explain such an unusual dream. Or perhaps it's just that I've started off my very first new year completely without him and I don't really want to?

Well, it's time to go to bed again. Who knows what I'll dream tonight?
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Tagged AGAIN

OK, I got tagged on this earlier and didn't even know it, so since the blogger who tagged me carries a gun for a living, and since he lives near Houston and there is a chance I may one day live nearby in the Utopia known as Austin, I will do it twice in one day.

I can hear a collective 'gasp' as I write these words. "Twice in one day? Nooooooo! He's so DARING!"

I'm on the cutting edge, baby!

5 Little Known Facts about Memphis Steve, the world's most fascinating man!

  1. I grew up in North Alabama in a city known as The Rocket City. We built your damn Space Shuttle, your Sky Lab, every missile the army has relied on since 1960, and your drone airplanes that you see on FutureWeapons (my dad designed the very first ones.) Don't talk to me about Houston and Florida and all that crap. We built the damn Shuttle and when one of them blew up they ran the blame around and around until FINALLY they decided to try to lay it on us. This was the first time we got any credit at all for all the work we did, thank you very much.
  2. I believe the death penalty should be applied to the ACLU lawyers along with their guilty clients. Yes, I know innocent men are often convicted along with the guilty, and I don't like that at all. That's why I also support the death penalty for overzealous prosecutors like the asshole in North Carolina who tried to crucify the Duke Boys. I do believe if prosecutors faced the same severe penalties for their crimes as the rest of us they might think twice before proceeding with a case based on bullshit and personal political aspirations. Yes, I know this is all a bit wacky, but what the hell, it's not as if ANYONE in politics gives a shit what I want or think anyway so I'm just shooting from the hip here.
  3. I shaved my pubes some time ago and since then I have to keep retrimming because the damn thing has turned into an overgrown monster.
  4. My feet don't stink. But my farts do. When I take suppliments for my workouts and start giving myself some lovely kidney stones my sweat starts to smell toxic, as my lovely wife so gleefully informs me because ....
  5. I have no sense of smell. I can try and try to smell a flower or your lavender hand cream or a stinky fart, but unless it is a really powerful odor I just can't seem to pick up on it. Apparently the part of my brain normally designated for smell is being used for blogging and farting or something.
Ta da! I'm the first white male heterosexual blogger to respond to two tags for the same thing from two people twice in one day! Aren't you all so excited? I'm just peeing my pants here! I wonder if I'll win some sort of "first white male hetero to ..." award for this?

Memphis Steve is so awesome!
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5 Little Known Facts About Me

This is how I dress when I'm at work

I've been tagged by Holly to tell 5 little known facts about me. So, hold on to your panties 'cause I'm the most exciting man you know and this is going to blow your mind. Or not. Mostly not. But even so, here I go:

  1. Thirty minutes ago I walked into my coworker's office and farted. Then I immediately walked out again without saying a word as he sat at his desk gasping.
  2. I've been driving the same old truck since 1996 or so. I'm nothing if not predictable and unexciting. I also still have my old green Monte Carlo from high school, which I rarely ever drive anymore. Apparently I don't ever sell cars. I just accumulate them.
  3. I don't hate lesbians. I just hate man-hating lesbians, man-hating women, and pathetic men who kiss their asses and excuse their bigotry by saying things like, "men are pigs". Some of my friends and several former coworker/friends are lesbians, but they aren't man-haters.
  4. I have no tact. Back in college I suspected a friend of mine was gay, so I said, "hey, are you gay?" And he said "yeah, mostly." It seems there were some women he found attractive, but mostly he liked guys. So we were limited to discussing the women we both found attractive with the occasional story about him trying to seduce a guy here and there. But I still preferred talking about the hot women. He had a Playboy bunny calendar up in his house just to try to fool his parents, but I think they already knew, too.
  5. Even though I've blogged about the black politics here in Memphis and the anti-white racism, the fact is that all the crime problems we've experienced in my neighborhood have come from the white rednecks living around me.
  6. BONUS: This weekend I am supposed to go visit my hometown, the Rocket City, and while I'm there I'm supposed to look at some land I want to buy. I don't even have a job offer there, but one way or another I am getting the hell out of Memphis
Now I'm supposed to tag 5 more bloggers to do this. So I tag:


And now, back to your regularly scheduled programming .....
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Always Wear Underwear


Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.

In Northwest Florida, a Crestview couple drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.

The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed he car in the lot.

The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis.

Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place.

On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead

woman oops
mmm, smells like penis!

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Case of the Mondays

case of the mondays

It was a miserable night. I pulled the top drawer out of the dishwasher tracks as I was unloading the dishwasher. All the dishes broke when they hit the floor. Who knew this thing came out of the tracks?

The furnace is cycling. It goes on for a half a second and then off. Then five minutes later it does it again. Then finally it comes on.

My clutch was extremely spongey this morning. When I got to work I popped my hood and checked the fluid level. It's fine. What's wrong with the clutch then?

I walked in the side door. Half the women in the company were standing there for one reason or another. I walked through the middle of them all, smiling and saying "good morning" as I went. They all said "good morning" in return as they smiled.

I got to my desk and sat down. Ah, now I see why they were so friendly.

My zipper is down.
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FYF - UN Castrates Africa

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's another January Fuck You Friday for 2007.

The United Nations has been at it again.
The fun never ends.
(But this post is way too long)

Uncle: Rescued boy only talking with FBI

Be careful. Before you know it they’ll have you pretending to be a communist and then getting framed for the assassination of President Kennedy in Dallas. Run, boy, run!

Americans have personal bonds with cars

That’s what happens when you don’t clean your upholstery often enough.

Fuel spill may be new clue on missing Indonesia jet

Either that or it might be a clue on where I parked my dad’s old stationwagon this past weekend. Damn.

Hillary Clinton meets Afghan, Pakistani leaders

And being the politician that she is she didn’t say a damned thing about how they treat women over there. But when she gets home she’ll go right back to bitching and man-bashing the West, where women have more power and are treated better than men, and the boys are castrated every day in school.

Atlanta mayor: King's work is unfinished

Any time a politician says “but there’s still more to be done” all that means is, “I’m drawing a fat paycheck by stirring you up and keeping you as unhappy as possible and I’d like to keep it that way.” What part of King’s work is unfinished? Would he today be fighting for the civil rights of men in general? What about white males? Jesse Jackson was his right-hand man, so do you think he’d be doing what Jesse Jackson has been doing since King’s death? Do you think he’d be shaking down large corporations for cash?

New Orleans struggles to keep its black character

Why? Isn’t that blatant racism? If a majority white city struggled to keep its’ white character what do you suppose would happen? What about a traditionally white male college? What if Harvard struggled to be a majority white male college because it always was in the past? Would you expect the people of this country to sit silently and let this happen? Would you tolerate it? What would you do?

Mass. crime lab administrator suspended

They’re getting rid of Gus Grissom. They have 3 CSI shows, all hits, but they can’t stand the fact that all the head CSIs are white males, so Gus has to go and hot chick Catherine takes over, with a steady influx of more and more female leads every week. Wait, this is a totally different story. My bad.

Are Bill's friends Hill's friends, too?

That would probably depend on what kind of ‘friends’ you really mean. His male friends aren’t and his girlfriends aren’t either. But the big money suppliers, like former Hitler Youth George Soros, most certainly are.

Skull suggests human-Neanderthal link

Yes, they dated briefly back in the Paleolithic Era, but then broke up soon after.

Science and faith join forces

That’s where science came from in the first place, dumbass.

Engineered chickens make cancer drugs

Those must be some damned smart chickens then!

Robbery victim recalls having his throat slit by accused murderers

People do tend to remember that sort of thing, you know.

Depression a risk factor for ED in diabetic men

Look, a study that included men! Holy shit! I didn’t think they ever did that anymore.

Stroke risk higher in less well-educated women

Well, that whole including men thing sure didn’t last long, did it?

Uterus transplant may enable pregnancy

Well let’s hope so. Otherwise, what would be the point?

Doughnut makers seek healthier recipes

Hmm, chicken donuts, turkey donuts, banana donuts, spinach donuts. None of them sound very tasty, but I guess if you just need to have a donut and you want it to be healthy ….

Tests may help end 'bubble boy' disease

Now the bubble boy can finally go kick George Costanza’s ass for that whole “Moops” misunderstanding.

Cause of amnesia halts future thinking

95 percent of all politicians and CEOs suffer from this halted future thinking problem. But they compensate by applying that part of their brains to creative lying.

World's 1st 'test-tube' baby gives birth

Aw, it’s a Beaker! The Bunsen burner is handing out cigars even now.

Study links gene to Alzheimer's risk

Gene, you asshole, cut it out!

Japan starts incinerating chickens

Quick, someone call the bitches from The View. This is just the sort of thing that gets their panties in a wad. And then, finally, they might stop bitching about Donald Trump and George Bush for a few days.

Bob Dylan bores me to tears -- Simon Cowell

I could care less – Bob Dylan

Bare-bottom bandit gets 3-5 years

He got 3-5 for stealing some cigarettes while drunk. That’s longer than Lorena Bobbitt got.

Stationary biker rests after record bid

Dude, you’re not going anywhere!

Canada pharmacists seek ban on drug exports to U.S.

First it will deplete Canada’s supply of taxdollar-purchased drugs. Then it will cause the prices to go up, much the way wood and steel and concrete and oil have skyrocketed with China’s sudden appetite for the stuff. Yep, we may think we’re only ripping off the drug companies by buying them from Canada, but along the way we’re also ripping off the Canadian taxpayers. Oops, we’ve just fucked our neighbors.

Teenager killed, hit by train in Wales--police

I do believe you’ve got that the wrong way ‘round. She was hit by the train and THEN killed. Ah, that British press, always fucking around.

Male panda said too fat to have sex

Did anyone bother to ask him how he felt about this? I’m guessing he’d disagree.

Hangings are meant to kill efficiently

They call it “late term abortions” over in Iraq. Their Planned Parenthood is only slightly different than ours in that it isn’t run by lesbians, no children are involved, and no one is really protesting one way or the other over there.

U.S. needs more incentives to use ethanol: industry

First we need a better way to manufacture it, because as it stands right now it takes more fossil fuel to create it than it saves when we use it. Oops.

Bush to address global warming in annual speech

He’s trying to figure out a way to diplomatically say, “even though this shit happens naturally and you guys are religious fanatics instead of scientists, I think I can use this to get away with passing laws to reduce our oil usage and thus reduce the amount of money flowing to our enemies, such as Russia and Venezuela.” In other words, he wants to play Jimmy Carter without being as big a dork as Jimmy Carter.

Naomi Campbell pleads guilty to assault

Oh, how the skinny have fallen!

3 teens arrested in beating shown online

Girls will be girls.

U.N. says rich should stump up more for disaster aid

So the billionaire dictators who dominate the U.N. say ‘other’ rich people, those who aren’t billionaire dictators, should feel guilty for not coughing up even more money than they already are to pay for the U.N.’s oppressive programs? How special. This kind of logic invariably leads them back around to calling for a global U.N. tax on all the world’s inhabitants.

Calif. mom ruled insane in sons' deaths

The bitch lives in San Francisco. How the hell do they even know the difference between the regular people and the insane people in a place like San Francisco?! Give me a break!

Storms give Texas an unexpected shiver

Ever since Kami started doing those weather reports strange things have been happening in Texas.

Doomsday Clock moves closer to midnight

Hmm, let’s think about this. A bunch of people who say there is no God are running around fanatically attacking anyone who dares to question anything they say, whether it be evolution or embryonic stem cell magic or global warming. You must simply accept their beliefs on faith. And now they have this big ‘symbolic’ clock which they claim points to the end of the world. Does this not sound like a bunch of stupid fanatical loonies to you or is it just me who sees this? If this is the future of science then we’re all in deep shit here. These fuckers are a bunch of drama queens. And I do mean queens.

U.S. scientists, evangelicals join global warming fight

Yeah, let’s all dance and speak in tongues and charm some snakes while we argue that the world is turning into a big chunk of flaming coal, complete with fire and brimstone. Here’s something I forgot to mention in my “I Remember” posts: remember when all the scientists were shitting themselves over the doomsday ice age that they said was coming? That was right before they shut the fuck up about it and started claiming it was actually global warming that made them poop their pants each day. If there’s one characteristic of good science that you can count on it’s that it is consistent. These fuckers aren’t consistent about anything beyond being illogical, emotional, and wrong every single time. No wonder the rest of the world is catching up with us so fast in science. We’ve lost our fucking minds.

World falling behind on 2015 education goal

I wasn’t aware that the entire world had agreed on any education goal. When did we all vote on this? How did I miss out? Did any of you get to vote? Is it just me that got left out?

Clinton urges conditions on U.S. funding for Iraq

How about some conditions on any continued U.S. taxpayer funding for VAWA, bitch? Conditions means you say you’re for it and you say you’re against it at the same time, which is the same shit you’ve been doing all along. You have no convictions greater than the conviction that you want to be President more than anything else in the world, do you, you narcissistic cow?

Alleged carjacker gets shot in buttocks

Run Forrest, run!

Officers use taser to free tangled deer

Do me a favor. Don’t ever let these officers help me if I’m tangled in something.

Cancer found more often in dense breasts

I’d like to conduct further research on this claim. First, I’ll need several million dollars in taxpayer funding. That’ll be easy to get since this is research on women only. Second, I’ll need as many women with large, dense breasts as possible for me to examine. Now, let’s get this party started!

Civil liberty group turns on PM over crime push

Have you ever noticed that almost every single group calling itself a “civil liberty group” is nothing more than a bunch of freedom-hating communist fucks? Why is that?

UK Internet shopping seen surging at Christmas

Now why would you suppose that is exactly? Hmm, it’s a mystery. What is this "Christmas" of which you speak?

Cold Medicines Dangerous for Infants

So are tasers, scissors, and power tools. Look at me, I’m a pediatrician here!

Ohio boys take joy ride on a train

Hey, they were just trying to catch the North Pole Express to ask Santa why the boy was told to "believe" while the girl was told to "lead". It's a legitimate question and I'd like to hear the answer.

Escaped chimp gets snack, cleans bathroom

A chimp that cleans bathrooms? Where do I get me one of those? This could be worth a fortune!

Mother says boy needed a male role model

I guess living alone with his mother, getting castrated daily by feminism in school, and watching males dressed in pink carrying babies and washing dishes at super speed in television commercials all day just wasn’t doing it for him then, eh? Who would have guessed?

Baltimore's first female mayor starts

Starts what? Starts her period? Why is this news?

Woman accused of ordering hit on husband claims nanny masterminded the plot

“Mary Poppins, you have a lot to answer for.”
“I make it a point to never answer for anything.”
Mary’s been a criminal mastermind all along. We just didn’t realize it before now.

Eating is no problem for a model...if you're a man

Oh look, it’s ANOTHER conspiracy in the mythical war on women! Male models are all in on it! Overthrow the fashionistas!

Celebrities beware. The Strap Police are watching

And now they’re attacking wealthy female celebrities if their bra straps are showing! Men are so cruel! Oh wait, it’s all women doing this shit. It’s always women. And gay men. But you can’t criticize them! You can’t judge! Unless you’re a woman. Or a gay man. Then you should feel free to rip them to shreds and call them "faggot" as much as you want to. Just remember to blame men when you’re done. That’s the rules.

Viagra may decrease ability to smell

This is only a theory, and keep in mind that I haven’t received my government check to fund a thorough study just yet, but I suspect the men who truly need Viagra could give a shit if it decreases their ability to smell.

Vick's water bottle seized at airport

Did you know that they make fake water bottles just for storing your stash of marijuana in? It’s true. Just ask Michael Vick, quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons. He’s their new spokesman.

Lindsay Lohan checks into rehab

Well that’s lovely. Maybe Michael Vick will be her roommate and together they can play “hide the water bottle”?

Group demands apology from 'Grey's' star

A lesbian group (ABC executives) demanded that the arrogant black doctor from Grey’s Anatomy, Isaiah Washington, say that he called gay actor T.R. Knight a faggot, which Mr Washington says he didn't say, and then they want him to apologize to the world. Funny how they never asked Rosie O'Donnell to apologize for any of the bigoted things she's vomited unapologetically while on camera. Ah double standards, the hallmark of hypocrisy and narcissism, I mean, feminism. And when the grrlz of ABC finally did force him to apologize, they made him say it this way "I want to apologize to the lesbian and gay community .." First of all, no lesbians were involved in this at all. Second of all, only in organizations that are controlled by lesbian supremacists does "lesbian" come first. But it's POLICY at ABC that all things female must be put before all things male. This includes ESPN and Monday Night Football, by the way. Yeah, sexism and bigotry is alive and well and it's name is ABC. Meanwhile, the offending actor has not been asked to apologize for choking Patrick Dempsey, a heterosexual coworker, at the same time that he allegedly referred to Mr. Knight as a faggot. Apparently since Mr. Dempsey isn't gay, female, or black he can be choked, insulted, threatened, and assaulted at will without any consequences whatever for Mr. Washington.

Oprah's African school spurs comment

I remember when the female supremacists and their ACLU hammer and sickle were suing VMI and the Citadel out of existence for being schools for boys. At the same time they were bankrolling the misandric attack on educational opportunities for boys they were setting up the New York Girls Leadership School, a public school that does not allow boys, in blatant violation of their own rulings against VMI and the Citadel. New York, of course, pretended not to notice and let it go on to this very day. Today VMI and the Citadel are only permitted to survive by tearing down their boys only policy while the New York Girls Leadership School has opened 5 more grrlz-only schools with more in the works. Oprah likes to bitch about perceived sexism in the world. She loves to bitch about how bad it is. So why does she bankroll a school for girls only in an area where no one is getting a decent education and all children, boys included, could use a decent school to go to? The sexist double standards of feminism, always so blatantly and shamelessly flaunted, never cease.

Methodists: No Bush library at SMU

These are the same ministers who were silent about Clinton’s war in Waco, Bosnia, and Somalia, the harassment of Paula Jones, the affair with Monica Lewinski, the perjury, the bombing of the Chinese embassy, travelgate, whitewater, and Ruby Ridge. But for reasons they don’t care to state specifically, beyond saying that the Methodist church is now a “social conscience” organization as opposed to a Biblically based organization, they want the school of SMU to ban Bush. Why don’t they just march around waving signs that say “God hates Bush” and get it over with? One thing I have to ask though is about the proposed think tank on campus dedicated to the philosophy of the Bush administration. What the hell philosophy is that exactly? I mean, seriously, after 7 years now I have no idea what that would even mean.

Mo. couple say they think son was abused

They didn’t report this to the authorities or anything. No, they reported this to Oprah Winfrey. Isn’t that lovely? This is the future of America.

Congo rebels said to kill, eat gorillas

Geez, haven’t these commie fools ever heard of Dominoe’s?

Peru ruin find may hold clues to lost civilization

Venezuela isn’t lost. It’s just currently occupied by a communist madman, much like San Francisco, New York, Moscow, Zimbabwe and Cuba. Oh wait, they’re talking about a different lost civilization. Nevermind.

Bush on Iraq plan: "I believe it will work"

I believe I can fly. I believe I can touch the sky. I believe …. Sorry, this song just popped into my head and I thought it was ironic. Take it however you please.

Schwarzenegger signs Calif. carbon emissions cut

He’s nuttier than Jerry Brown these days. He’s a Republican in name only. But the real irony of all of his recent posturing is that he still drives the very first Hummer the Army ever sold to a civilian. And he smokes cigars. And he openly used to use women as sex objects. If you think about it, he’d be the perfect Democrat.

Video game playing may fulfill innate human need

That’s right, the Need for Speed, dammit!

Suicide risk factors after depression vary by sex

This study is an excellent example of shit science. Basically the female researchers assumed from the start that all male suicide victims were just mad and bad for no reason, but all the women were sweet innocent victims, sugar and spice. And they went from there. Wheee, it’s an Oprah Winfrey world!

Nicotine in cigarettes rising: Harvard study

This is the same Harvard that can’t do math for shit, but gets really bitchy when anyone mentions it, right? Yeah, love your study. It totally doesn’t make your ass look fat, I swear.

Suicide bomber kills 1 Afghan soldier

Then wouldn’t that make this person a homicide bomber? Oh wait, we’re using the thinking from the Oprah Winfrey suicide study, aren’t we? Nevermind. I forgot where I was for a moment. America, America, God shed his grace on thee, but now you’re gay in a lesbian way and everyone thinks you’re doomed.

Pelosi seeks global warming committee

Global warming is the only hope she has for thawing out her cold, cold heart. And running for the Presidency on a highly emotional issue that brings out her supporters in the largest numbers.

Global warming dissenters few at U.S. weather meeting

Men are few at feminists meetings. Atheists are few in church meetings. There’s a logic here that seems to escape the ladies of the press.

Start sex on the right key with musical condoms

Anyone know what Carmen Electra’s favorite song is?

All-female peacekeeper squad to deploy

An all female foreign military squad sent to seize control of an African nation and force everyone to submit. This is the brainchild of the United Nations. Isn’t that lovely? The camel’s head is in the tent with more to come behind it. They say this is to make women feel safer, but they don’t mention how this mass castration is going to make the men feel. In the minds of the UN feminists men don’t feel at all. And even if they do it doesn’t matter because men aren’t people. Welcome to Nazi Germany, boys. You’re all Jews now.

House Votes to Rescind Oil Drillers’ Tax Breaks

The Democrats had planned to take the White House by campaigning heavily on high oil prices. But since oil has dropped below $50 per barrel that whole plan is now in jeopardy. So, let’s see what we can do to jack up the costs of the oil companies and thus bring gas prices up again. Oh sure, I feel the American people’s pain, but I want to be President, dammit!

Liza Minnelli, Gest Divorce To Be Filed In Memphis

You go to Vegas to get married. You go to Memphis to get divorced. Whee!

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Oh, the weather outside is frightful

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!
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Loyalty in Marriage

hospital man

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."

(Yet another joke emailed to me by Stacy PQ)
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Name the Owner of the Boobies

boobie star
Is this Ivanka Trump or Phoebe from 'Friends'?
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Golden Globes

Ivanka's boobs
Mmmm, Golden Globes
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At first I thought this was funny...

then I realized the awful truth of it.

Be sure to read all the way to the end!

Tax his land,

Tax his bed,

Tax the table

At which he's fed.

Tax his tractor,

Tax his mule,

Teach him taxes

Are the rule.

Tax his cow,

Tax his goat,

Tax his pants,

Tax his coat.

Tax his ties,

Tax his shirt,

Tax his work,

Tax his dirt.

Tax his tobacco,

Tax his drink,

Tax him if he

Tries to think.

Tax his cigars,

Tax his beers,

If he cries, then

Tax his tears.

Tax his car,

Tax his gas,

Find other ways

To tax his a__.

Tax all he has

Then let him know

That you won't be done

Till he has no dough.

When he screams and hollers,

Then tax him some more,

Tax him till

He's good and sore.

Then tax his coffin,

Tax his grave,

Tax the sod in

Which he's laid.

Put these words

upon his tomb,

"Taxes drove me

to my doom..."

When he's gone,

Do not relax,

Its time to apply

The inheritance tax.

Accounts Receivable Tax

Building Permit Tax

CDL license Tax

Cigarette Tax

Corporate Income Tax

Dog License Tax

Federal Income Tax

Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)

Fishing License Tax

Food License Tax,

Fuel permit tax

Gasoline Tax (42 cents per gallon)

Hunting License Tax

Inheritance Tax

Interest expense

Inventory tax

IRS Interest Charges IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)

Liquor Tax

Luxury Taxes

Marriage License Tax

Medicare Tax

Property Tax

Real Estate Tax

Service charge taxes

Social Security Tax

Road usage taxes

Sales Tax

Recreational Vehicle Tax

School Tax

State Income Tax

State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)

Telephone federal excise tax

Telephone federal universal service fee tax

Telephone federal, state and local surcharge taxes

Telephone minimum usage surcharge tax

Telephone recurring and non-recurring charges tax

Telephone state and local tax

Telephone usage charge tax

Utility Taxes

Vehicle License Registration Tax

Vehicle Sales Tax

Watercraft registration Tax

Well Permit Tax

Workers Compensation Tax

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago,

and our nation was the most prosperous in the world.

We had absolutely no national debt,

had the largest middle class in the world,

and Mom stayed home to raise the kids.

What happened?

And I still have to "press 1" for English!
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More Xbox 360 Whining from a Grown Man

OK, since I just blogged about my ruined Need for Speed game for my Xbox 360 I thought I should blog about what I've just discovered.

According to a website, located HERE, if you move the Xbox 360 while it is powered up, with a DVD inside that is spinning, many models will destroy the disc, like it did to mine. Here is a photo from the website I just found. The disc on the left looks exactly like mine does, with the mark going all the way around midway into the grooves of the disc.

ruined Xbox dvds

So, mystery solved. I laid my Xbox flat while playing and it wrecked my disc as a consequence. It turns out that Microsoft saved money by deleting the rubber bumpers inside the drives that would prevent this from happening. Yay me and yay Microsoft.
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Xbox from Hell

"Error: Disc damaged or dirty"

My life is one big party after another. During lunch today I decided to try a quick run of "Need for Speed: Carbon" with the regular hand-held controller just to blow off some steam. Ah, the carefully laid plans of men ... all gone to shit.

First, the game started acting funny on me. Not "ha ha" funny, but "queer son-of-a-bitch piece-of-shit dammit" funny.

I was driving at about 90 mph on a canyon road. Every time I came to a turn with a sheer cliff drop-off on the left of me the view would suddenly switch to the rear, so that instead of looking where I was going I was suddenly and at the worst possible time looking behind me. Naturally it would send me flying over the cliff every single time.

After this I popped the disc in and out several times, disconnected from the internet, cursed, switched races, switched cars, anything that I could think of.

Suddenly a new error occurred. Every time I started a new race it would stop and say "Error: disc damaged or dirty."

"What?! WHAT?! WHAAAAAT?!" I screamed in a controlled and highly intelligent manner, loudly enough to make myself hoarse for an hour afterwards.

I looked over the disc several times. It was fine. Not a scratch on it. Not a speck of dirt. Hell, this disc hasn't been anywhere except in the package and in my brand fucking new Xbox in its' entire existence. It isn't dirty and if it's damaged then the Xbox did it.

Sooooooo, off to Google I go. And what to my wondering eyes did appear, but link after link to people with the same problem. "The Xbox DVD drive is a piece of shit" several posters insisted. "If you have either of the two old drives, a Thomson or a Philips, then you should make Microsoft replace it with the newer one, the Samsung drive."

Oh holy hell. Just what I needed. I just got this damned thing. All I wanted was to play a game every now and then. As mad as I was, I can imagine having kids who play this thing night and day only to suddenly have their sleepover all-night Xbox party interrupted with something like this. It would be Armageddon.

So anyway, since I wrote about my Xbox yesterday and this shit just happened today I figured I'd keep the train of thought going, until it crashes or reaches the station. For now it appears to be crashed. Woo woo!

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Stealing Stacy's Jokes and Stuff

Today is hitting me all at once, so for now I'm posting jokes Stacy PQ emailed to me several days ago. Oh, don't worry, I got her permission first. Today started at a lawyer's office getting wills written up and has continued with me in the server room trying to find out why the harddrive of the server that my application is running on suddenly and dramatically filled up, locking out all the users of the system. Whee, that was fun!

The Pasta Diet And Your Health


1.. You walka pasta da bakery.

2.. You walka pasta da candy store.

3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.

4... You walka pasta da table and fridge.

You will lose weight!



For those of you who watch what you eat , here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.


Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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Cold Rainy Monday

need for speed carbon

It's Monday and it's raining outside. It's cold and nasty and I have the poops, which is not to be confused with simply pooping. Oh no, it is very different.

I scrolled all through my Drafts folder looking for something witty and sly I could slip out there for you all, but I didn't see anything that made me feel inspired. And I don't have anything in my head right now that I think is particularly inspired either. Soooooo .... I hope this goes somewhere 'cause I'm just making this up as I go along.

My Wife didn't know what to buy me for Christmas. I didn't know what to ask for. Two days before Christmas she was panicked. So I said, "uh, buy me an Xbox." So we went to the store to see if there even were any or it is was a typical videogame console year and they had all long ago sold out. Lo and behold him, born the king of .... I mean, lo and behold, there was one sitting there on the shelf. So we asked the salesman to open the damned cabinet and get me my Xbox. Then I, being a big videogame officianado, asked him what games he recommended.

"What age kid is this for?" the dickhead asked me.

OK, so maybe it was a perfectly reasonable question. Still, I wasn't thrilled to have to say, "he's in his 30s and looks a lot like me."

So he recommended three games that I had never heard of and I ignored him. I bought a game I had played a long time ago when it was new and only came on PCs. I bought "Need for Speed." The new version is called "Carbon" for some reason. I don't know why and I don't care, so if that's your big comment for this post you can ... well OK, now I'm curious. Tell me why.

As we were paying for my big damned toy I noticed that the woman in line behind me was also holding a big Xbox.

"Hmm," I thought to myself, "I guess there's no shortage of these things this year."

Then some kids came running up to the counter to scream at my salesman, "Where are the Xboxes?!" they shouted in panic.

"These are the last two," was his embarrassing reply.

Yes, I, a grown man with no kids was buying the second to last Xbox and leaving the poor kids to do without. I felt like a moron.

"But honey, everyone at work has one," I reminded My Wife with my eyes. "And they're going to expect me to spend my weekends engaging in some kind of team battle that will take all my time, too." OK, I didn't tell her that last part. To be fair, I don't intend to get involved in that. I just want to drive my cars around real fast and blow off steam. But hey, how much better can you blow off steam than by killing random players all over the world?

But enough about that.

So Christmas came and we pulled out the Xbox and I played my game. I came to a part where you have to race some dipshit through a canyon. I was having trouble driving my lovely car with the handheld controller. I couldn't pass the guy. I passed him once, but I wiped out right after and he passed me back. I was getting tired of this.

"Hey," I thought to myself. "I'm a grown man. I have money. They make steering wheels for this damn thing. If I buy the steering wheel then I'll drive much better and have a lot more fun."

Yeah, that was the plan.

So back to the store I went. More money went out the window as I bought myself a wireless Xbox steering wheel just so I could continue playing the only game I own for this stupid toy. Yay me. I felt like a moron to be spending so much money just to play a stupid game.

But little did I realize how much more of a moron I would soon be feeling like.

When I got home I actually sat down and read all the instructions. I set up my steering wheel, which came complete with gas and brake pedals, and settled in next to My Wife to become the greatest driver the world of Need for Speed has ever seen. Look out, all you 8-year-olds on the internet 'cause here comes a grown man with more money than brains!

I started up the game. I could feel the excitement building as I punched through all the menus to get to my canyon race. Oh yeah, baby, I was gonna beat this guy now!

5-4-3-2-1 GO! The race began!

"What the fuck?!" I immediately said out loud. My car was all over the road and I felt like I was driving with a piece of rope.

"What?" My Wife asked. "How come you're driving so bad?"

"I don't know," I cleverly replied. "This thing seems almost disconnected from the car. Look, I turn the wheel and it doesn't respond, but then I turn a little more and it just swerves hard into the wall."

"Maybe you didn't set it up right," My Wife suggested, trying to be helpful.

I tried several times to run my race, trying everything I could think of to get the car to drive in a straight line and only turn when I told it to. No luck.

"The wheel came with a racing game. I swear it drove fine when I set it up with that. Let me try it again," I grumbled, pulling out my Need for Speed game and putting the game that came with the wheel back into the Xbox.

Sure enough, I was Mario Andretti with the other game. I raced through the streets of London like a master, sliding around turns and driving on the sidewalks just like I was back in high school ... I mean ... just like I would do if I were a race car driver in real life. The wheel was tight, I was winning races, and the world was good again.

But as soon as I put Need for Speed back into the console it was nightmare city once again. "What the hell is wrong with this thing?!" I cursed. Then I checked the boxes to make sure they said that my game was indeed compatible with this steering wheel. "Yep, it says right here that you can use the steering wheel to play Need for Speed. This thing must be broken somehow."

By now I was cursing and My Wife was less than thrilled with my new toy. I had become convinced that the wheel must be messed up and that I needed to take it back for an exchange.

My Wife had become convinced that she was married to an idiot and she happily said so. "You're supposed to be having fun, not cussing at the game. I didn't buy this to make you mad," she informed me, as if I were thinking that the whole point of buying me an Xbox was to see how many cuss words I know.

So anyway, I didn't take the wheel back. Instead, I did what any self-respecting genius would do. I Googled "Xbox Need for Speed Steering Wheel" or some variation of that combination of words. And what I found reaffirmed my manly driving skills, my computer skills, and my home installation skills, while at the same time pissing me off.

The game I had bought, my only game, Need for Speed, is only compatible with the steering wheel in the sense that the game recognizes the wheel as a valid controller. But as far as being calibrated for the wheel so that you can drive with it, that's another matter. It isn't. And everyone else who is too old to be playing games and buying steering wheels for their game consoles has experienced the same trouble that I have. You just can't use Microsoft's wireless steering wheel with my one and only game that I wanted to play.

So now we play the game that came with the steering wheel. And I say 'we' because My Wife has since learned to sit in my seat and grab the steering wheel and pedals while I'm in the potty. She's a decent driver, too, so at least we're having fun. But I guess I'll just have to get used to driving the Need for Speed game with the hand-held controller because this steering wheel is a pain with that game.

Then again, they say that Logitech and some other company make steering wheels for the Xbox, too. So I wonder if they work any better with this game? Hmm ....
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FYF - Massively Important Headlines This Week

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's the second Fuck You Friday of 2007.

Here is my exciting and riveting news report for the week.
Try not to get too excited.

Yahoo to offer BBC news video

Yes, because the British news media has been such a pillar of excellence these past few years, right? Repeat after me, "ADOBE PHOTOSHOP"

Ex-gay porn actor due in court on charges he shot wealthy businessman to death

I guess the gay porn industry ain’t what it used to be, eh? Sing it with me: that old gay porn, it ain't what it used to be, ain't what it used to be, ain't what it used to be, that old gay .... this is fun ... it ain't what it used to be, so let's go shoot some dude!

Father jailed for slitting daughter's throat

She must have stayed out WAY past her curfew! Day-um!

Father: Costumed 'Tigger' hit my son

Considering how many stupid parents think it’s funny when their little “darlings” hit those guys in the groin I’m thinking it’s pay-back time! Hit’im again, Tigger!

Prisoner probably ate parts of cellmate

The prison food was really bad in that place. Hey, a man’s gotta do what a man’s gotta do.

Australians among longest living in world

That’s because they drink a lot, party ‘til dawn, spend their free time on the beach, have the most beautiful women in the world, and have great attitudes. It’s like California without all the ego and gangs and bullshit.

Study: Tween girls at risk for fatness

So are tween boys, you bitches.

Democrats ready to kick off "100-hour" agenda

They’re going to take turns reading “The Communist Manifesto” for 100 hours straight. Yeeha!

Blast at U.S. embassy called 'terrorism'

The Democrats just got back in and already it’s started. This reminds me of back when the Iranians took all our embassy workers hostage in Iran and refused to let them go no matter how hard Carter tried to “dialogue” with them. But then, on the day Ronald Reagan was to take office, suddenly they didn’t want to play anymore and they let them all go. Do you suppose those terrorists know something we Americans don't?

Minimum wage boost races through House

It’s like a streaker, only a streaker with absolutely no understanding of basic economics.

Study: 744,000 are homeless in U.S.

Oh look, only a year away from a presidential election and already they’re starting with the "homeless" bullshit again. Haven’t we played this game before?

Venezuela's Chavez sworn in for radical new term

He’s the Nancy Pelosi of Venezuela and they’re all just so happy to have him there that the major businesses are all closing up in his honor and turning over all their assets to The State before fleeing the country. Where have we seen this before? Hmm, I can't remember.

Yale singing group attacked in S.F.

An all male singing group was beaten up and called ‘fag’ in San Francisco. Apparently gays in San Fran like to beat each other up almost as much as they like attacking Christians. Is it a hate crime for a gay person to beat up a gay person for being gay? It's all so confusing nowadays.

Congress mulls how to expand health insurance

Here it comes. You’re going to pay for yours and your neighbors’ insurance, too, even if you can’t afford to. You just don’t know it yet. Look what good old Conan the Barbarian just did in California. Those guys aren’t just paying for everyone else’s insurance. They’re paying for illegal aliens to have it, too. Now that’s generous! Such nice people. Too bad about the giant tax hike though. That’s gonna hurt. Oh, you didn't know about that. Well, they haven't announced it yet.

House Democrats end smoking in the "lobby"

I swear, you’d think Dana Carvey's Church Lady ran the Democratic Party the way they get their panties all wadded over smoking. I hate cigarette smoke, but by God, people have the right to do it. Just like people have the right not to wear their seatbelts, not to place their kids in a plastic bucket in the backseat of their cars, and to smoke in their own damned cars while driving their owned damned kids to school. Whatever happened to individual rights and freedom? It sure must have been nice to live back when people had rights.

Prosecutor: Wife poisoned Marine, spent life insurance on breast implants

Well, apparently she’s what they like to call a modern independent woman. Sister’s doing it for herself. Even if she has to kill her man to get the money for it. But that’s OK. She was probably retaliating for years of not having big enough boobs. That's covered somewhere in the Violence Against Women Act, so it’s all good. They’ll let her go. And put her story on the Lifetime Network. And interview her on "The View". And hire her to sell DSL for BellSouth.

Pet owners have poorer health than normal

So that’s it! It’s those damn cats that are making me look and feel crappy! Damn those cats!

Bangor makes it illegal to smoke in cars

Yes, because it’s a lawmakers job to protect us all from our own adult bad habits. Soon it will be illegal to stay up late, watch dirty movies, or curse in your own home. We may not allow God in our schools, but by God, we are more religious today than ever before. We just don’t get our new religion from the accumulated wisdom of the past 4,000 years and a relationship with God. Instead, we just make the shit up as we go. So much better!

Austrian skis nude after losing bet

My German teacher did that. Except he didn’t have skis. And it was in Bavaria. He slid down the slope on his ass in the nude after losing a bet. And then he lost half the skin off his ass because snow is not as slick and smooth as it appears. But never let it be said that those Germanic people don’t pay their bets. Now, if I could just figure out how to get into a bet like this with Heidi Klum.

Moms, kids arrested in R.I. school brawl

2 moms and their daughters beat the crap out of each other after school. They even got a female teacher involved in the fight. Yeeha! Them yankee feminists sure know how to solve a dispute. No blood for oil! But if you call my precious baby a “ho”, well that’s another story.

Wis. police: Drunk postman crashed truck

The Kept Woman will be receiving her mail a little late this week.

Probe finds scientist falsified images

So, all those nude photos of Jennifer Aniston were fakes, eh? Dammit!

Judge orders paternity test in Duke case

That’s funny. In child-support cases the judges never order paternity tests. In fact, sometimes they disregard them altogether. Hmmm.

Gene mapping finds surprises in itchy genital bug

The gene map pointed to a chest of gold buried deep down below. Now a team of genital pirates are racing to get it.

Man killed as high winds batter UK

It’s that damn Haggis the Scots keep eating, I tell you. The entire island would be less than half as windy if not for the Scots and their haggis. On the plus side, it does make the air feel much warmer in the winter time.

China tells U.S. its Iran ties private

This is the Chinese way of saying "F-O".

Lawmakers say no to "sexist" chastity bill

The Taiwan bill was proposing that schools encourage students to avoid having sex while young. Apparently the UN feminists who rule Taiwan via CEDAW decided that encouraging kids to avoid sex is oppressing girls. Of course, they don’t care what it does to boys, so there you go. Mucho pregnancy and abortion to follow. Domo arigato, bitches.

Couple confesses to killing noisy neighbors

This is what happens when you don’t have enough “urban sprawl.” Al Gore invented killing noisy neighbors.

Stem cell bill sails through House

They’re just throwing them babies around like footballs in the new House of Representatives. What a shock. Who saw this coming?

Antiwar activists rush to hold protests

That’s because they have no lives beyond this. It’s all they do. They also have no jobs because they still live with their parents.

Sergeant in trouble for Playboy spread

Hey, you can’t tell a woman what to do with her body! Even if she is in the air force. Even during war. ‘Cause she’s a woman, she can do whatever she wants to anytime she wants. But if she were a man she couldn’t ‘cause we don’t tolerate that kind of behavior. Now, someone bring me this issue of Playboy so I can better judge this case from the evidence!

Mom: Kids barred from 'non-English' bus

It’s started already. First, businesses and hospitals for women only with no males allowed. Now school buses for Mexicans only that won’t allow anyone who can speak English onboard. And this is only the beginning. Soon judges will order all students to learn Spanish, but not English 'cause making Americans learn English would be discriminatory.

China facing major gender imbalance

So what does this mean? Is there a shortage of Chinese transvestites? Are all the women dressing as men, like they do in Connecticut and Massachusetts? Gender isn’t necessarily the same as sex. China has a shortage of people who are biologically female, not who simply present themselves as female like they do in the very confused city of New York. Gender has nothing to do with this. Maybe when they go to war with us for the third time we may begin to understand why these little details actually matter, because it won't be Chinese transvestites outnumbering and kicking our feminized asses.

China teens casual about one-night stands- poll

Wait, I thought there was this huge shortage of girls in China? That’s what the UN feminists just said, right? So where are all these one night stands coming from?

Syphilis back with a vengeance in China, report says

Hmm, a shortage of women, but an abundance of one-night-stands and syphilis? Is China massively gay? Or is everyone pounding the same girls? I’ll bet a hooker could make a fortune in China!

China: Teahouse is threat to morality

They’re not real big on singles bars in Shanghai, apparently. But syphilis, hookers, and gay transvestites, that’s another matter.

Georgia Aquarium whale shark dies

Apparently even the sharks don’t want to live in Atlanta anymore.

House backs broader embryonic stem cell research

Of course they do. They may not have a clue what this actually is about, much like that whole mysterious concept of economics, but they know the Christians are against this and that’s good enough for them.

Bush team faces hostile Democrats over new plan

And this is news exactly how? You could just edit out that “over new plan” part and still be accurate, but it's hardly news.We all knew this was coming.

Women more likely to survive lung cancer

That might have a little something to do with the fact that 98 percent of all medical research for the past 10 years has been done exclusively for women only. And that, I recall, was the doing of a formerly Republican-controlled Congress who are now wondering why the men they are so heavily dependent upon didn’t turn out the vote for them in 2006. It’s all a big mystery! Maybe all the Republicans are slowly dying from a lack of up-to-date medical treatment?

Man electrocuted by do-it-yourself mole-killer

Hmm, high voltage, water, and the ground you're standing on. Not the best plan I ever heard of. I hope he at least managed to take the mole with him. Oops, no he didn’t. Damn unholy moles! It almost takes a wooden stake and a silver bullet to kill those fuckers. Trust me, I know this from experience.

Lawyer arrested for kissing employee

First, this happened in Connecticut. Second, all the women in Connecticut are rumored to be feminist lesbians. Third, he pecked her on the cheek as a “Merry Christmas” greeting and has since been charge with a criminal act for it, whereas if she had grabbed his balls she would not have been charged with anything at all. Fourth, the church of rampantly intolerant Political Correctness was founded in Connecticut before branching out to Massachusetts and then, gradually, the entire Western hemisphere via the United Nations and a shitload of bribes. If you add all of that up, you get a heaping truckload of PC feminist bullshit, as usual. Get used to it because we're only just getting started with this new official state religion. It's going to get much worse.

German makes amends for 1970 shoplifting

Earl? Earl Hickey? Is that you?

Man trying to kill bees sets home ablaze

Randy? Randy Hickey? Is that you?

Pigs outnumber people in German state

I hear they outnumber the people up in Connecticut, too. Some of the pigs have even been appointed as judges. Anyone remember reading the book "Animal Farm"? That was a good book. I'll bet they don't allow that book in the schools anymore.

Pakistan says it's not a terrorist haven

That’s lovely. I remember when Bill Clinton said he didn't have sex with "that woman, Monica Lewinsky" because another woman was suing him for sexual harassment and was attempting to show that he had a pattern of sexually harassing women. And then Tom Hanks went apeshit over anyone who dared to suggest that Bill Clinton might have lied about it. And then Hillary threw a lamp at Bill, and then she hit him in the face. And then she spoke out against domestic violence, but not against her own. And then Bill turned out to be guilty, too. And then planes flew into the World Trade Towers on September the 11th. But Pakistan is a lovely place. It's almost as lovely as Syria, which is also not a terrorist haven.

Ex-Khmer Rouge leader denies genocide

He and OJ Simpson are currently working together to find the “real killers” even as I write this.

Clinton, other lawmakers, head to Iraq

And if we're very, very lucky, none of them will return!

Harvard releases 50-year expansion plan

Unfortunately, no one at Harvard can do math and it turns out that this is actually only a 5-year expansion plan involving jacking up tuition and selling donuts door-to-door.

Harvard Math
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