I have a shitload of posts sitting in draft, so of course I feel compelled to write something random out of my head today, for no particular reason. Go figure.

Steph commented that I was a woman-hating misogynist for my news post the other day and at first I thought she was serious, which, if you know how I feel about Steph, you'll understand that it gave me a heart attack. Then I reread the post and thought, "that's not even CLOSE to what I first posted. How many times did I go back and edit this and add more stories to it and shit?"

What is it with me that I can't leave my own blog posts alone? You know, if I read a post I did 2 years ago and I see a misspelling, I feel compelled to edit it and fix it. Who is going to read this post from 2 years ago? Seriously, what the fuck is wrong with me?

Well, for one thing I am apparently seriously disorganized. I used to not be, so I don't know when or how this happened. But looking at my desk here, I see papers and stacks all over it and I am already frustrated as hell because I'm trying to solve a problem which is due RIGHT NOW and I can't even find all my data and research that I did a week ago. It's right here, somewhere, but where I do not know. So, fat lot of good it does me, eh?

For another thing, I am stuck, so my response to that is to distract myself with other things. For instance, I wandered over to Chris' blog and noticed that he identified the song from the Ipod Nano commericial, 1234 by Fiest. So naturally I had to go find the video and watch it from beginning to end. And then, despite knowing how much of my time this wastes, I checked my blog email and responded to it all. Yeah, this burns up my mornings and doesn't help me figure out the solution to this work problem at all, but it relieves the stress and frustration of being stuck, so the temptation is strong. I already know better than to mess with my email or my blog before lunch. It is a horribly unproductive way to start the work day. Yet, I am compelled.

I used to be smart. I used to be a problem solver. I used to be focused and productive and driven. Now I am a blogger.

I do not hate women, by the way. I just hate feminists. And by feminists, I'm talking about the female supremacist man-haters. And this group includes some very rich and powerful men, whom I absolutely despise for what they're doing. Fucking sociopaths. Fucking Eichmanns. But that is neither here nor there. Suffice it to say that just the other day I emailed a dirty joke to former LA NOW president Tammy Bruce and this proves absolutely nothing. It also doesn't really relate to the point I was making here, which is now gone like a fart in the wind, leaving only a slight burning of the eyes and nostrils as a reminder of its' fleeting existence.

Actually, I hadn't intended the news summary to be half-filled with articles relating to Grrl Power! Those stories just kept popping up as I was writing and so I pasted them in. Next thing you know, I'm off in a direction I hadn't even wanted to go. And this little habit of mine leads me back to ....

I am apparently seriously disorganized. Did I mention this before? I can't remember, but it's true. I start off nicely organized and on track. And then slowly, steadily, I fall into a pile of papers. I put magazines from my Forbes subscription on my desk. It's neat at first, but quickly piles up and I forget about them. I put the printouts from the projects I am working on in neat stacks on my desk. It starts off useful and organized, but quickly becomes 100 different pages of files and queries and code and they're falling into each other, so that one project looks like the next, and which one is which? And where is the printout that I absolutely HAVE TO HAVE and I know I printed it? Shit! I know it's here somewhere.

And when I write, I start off with a point. I start off with an idea and I know how I want to begin and how I plan to lead into it and where I'm going to end. But then, somehow, it takes on a life of its' own and becomes something I don't recognize. Half the time it becomes something I can't use and I drop it into draft, never to see the light of day, or delete it altogether.

I'd like to be a writer. But how can you be a writer if you can't make a simple point without wandering off into the desert and only occasionally hitting the mark you had set in the first place?

And what the hell happened to my spelling? And my grammar? I used to know what I was doing. I breezed all that crap in school. It was super easy for me. Now I can't seem to spell my own name. No, wait, that's the Republican Party that can't spell my name. They're idiots, as they keep demonstrating every time they send another letter asking for money, addressed to Steevn Joans.

Again, off on a tangent here, like a spooked horse tearing across a field, kicking up dust and burning energy for no purpose.

So, that song is now wedged into my brain and playing over and over and over again. But that's OK because 2 of my personal CDs that I burned for my own enjoyment have started to click and distort when I play them now, and this is a major disappointment for me. I need more music and I need to burn more CDs for the long drive to and from work. Maybe 1234 will make the next one? Or maybe it'll play in my head until I'm sick of it and never want to hear it again? That's happened before, you know. It could easily happen again.

1234 Feist
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* Courtesy of McEwen

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember . . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember . . . is pot illegal?

9. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10. Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. Unlike back home, the guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember . . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all busy with their cells or pagers.

16. It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator is your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

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The News in Summary, Just for the Hell of It

debate democrats
We are the President

ABC News is pushing the wage gap myth again. It's bullshit, but you wouldn't know it if you rely on the mainstream media or Democratic Party for your information. Apparently female supremacists can't do math, but the economists at the Independent Women's Forum can, which is why they never get invited to be interviewed for these blatantly political propaganda stories which always run at election time.

A hockey coach stopped a runaway Belgian horse by making like Mike Tyson and biting its' ear. Soon he'll be charged with cruelty to animals, a felony, but at least he saved lives. If he's lucky he'll get the judge that Mary Winkler had and perhaps only serve 67 days in an exclusive Memphis hotel rather than do any actual jailtime.

In the true spirit of Grrl Power!, a gang of rowdy teenage biotches had to be tackled and mauled by the police in order to stop their knock-down, drag-out brawl at Chuck E Cheese. No word yet as to whether Hillary Clinton will celebrate this glorious display of feminist achievement in her next speech. It was Hillary, after all, who created the sexist Girl Power! program.

In another fine example of Girl Power! in action, a jealous bitch in Indonesia, named Umidah Setu, tried to cut off her husband's penis because she thought he might be cheating, but she wasn't sure. The victim of the vicious sexual attack had to drive himself to the hospital on a scooter in order to get help. She was sentenced to a whopping 6 months in jail for her crime. Apparently a lack of adequate punishment for violent female sex offenders is a universal thing and not just an American thing. yay, so excited. Apparently Mrs. Setu felt inspired by Carrie Underwood's hit song "Before He Cheats", about a woman destroying a man's truck with a knife and bat because she thinks he might be cheating, but doesn't actually know for sure whether he is or not.

A man bought a smoker at an auction and found a human leg inside. I wasn't even aware that you could buy smokers, but since you can, I'd like to enter a bid for Carmen Electra.

Black American racists are demanding that Egypt declare that King Tut was a negro and are infuriated that Egypt's experts are refusing to do so. Egypt has responded by 'calling bullshit' and has indicated that they don't care if L.A. is burned down and filled with riots, just so long as the idiots leave Cairo alone.

Stalin bad, freedom good

Former Soviet Union President Mikhail Gorbachev warned Russians on Wednesday of the risk of a rebirth of Stalinism. Apparently someone with considerable power and influence in Russia has been encouraging the myth that Stalin was a great leader who did not hurt people much. The Russian media has been promoting the myth that Stalin was a man with a conscience who sought a relationship with God in his last days. President Putin has openly praised Stalin, and insisted that the Nazis were far worse by virtue of merely being socialists who killed a mere 6 million and not pure communists, as Stalin was, who killed over 100 million. The newest government-authored and mandated history books for Russian schools label Stalin as "the most successful leader of the USSR." Putin also insists that "Russian women only make 77 cents for every dollar Russian men make" and promises that he will put an end to this by creating new legislation penalizing working Russian males and promoting female supremacy through male obliteration via labor camps and daily executions. Close friend and ally Hillary Clinton was on hand to applaud his remarks.

A fire hydrant in Oregon was painted as the American flag, but had to be repainted after local genuises observed that dogs were peeing on it. Who could have predicted such a thing?

A man in Ohio, with the unfortunate name of Rodney Rogers, has been living in a house while his friends built it. Apparently he expected them to sell it to him when they were done. When they refused to do so, he reacted as any rational American would and cut the house in two at chest level all the way around with a power saw, rendering it completely useless. He has not been jailed and is free on bond. What a pal. Go Buckeyes!

A British man, excited to have acquired a quality German car, was caught driving the Porsche 911 Turbo at an amazing 172 miles per hour in Oxfordshire, where a police traffic camera caught him on video. That's 277 kilometers per hour to the rest of you. In addition to awarding him jail time for his amazing feat, the police have also awarded him the new high speed automobile record, previously held by a Scottish car dealer who was caught doing 156 mph (251 kph) in 2003. Mr. Tim Brady, the new record holder, was not the actual owner of the car, but merely a delivery driver for a luxury car dealership, which has chosen to no longer employ him despite his brave efforts to prove the amazing capabilities of one of their finest and most popular automobiles. The British court has also banned him from driving anything more powerful than a bicycle on their roads for the next 3 years. Much to his disappointment, he is not the all-time fastest British driver. This record belongs to a Mister Daniel Nicks, a motorcyclist who strapped a camcorder to his helmet and filmed himself doing 175 mph in December 2000. After he crashed and was sewn back together, he was also ticketed and given the coveted "fastest driver" award. This award may be forfeited at any time, though, as soon as police catch an unknown motorcyclist who videoed himself going 176 mph and posted his remarkable feat on the internet.

motorcycle crash
Cheerioooooh shit!

Some animal activists in Austria are fighting in court to get a chimp legally declared to be a person. Apparently they feel that with people treating one another as badly as they do these days, perhaps chimps would make better people than actual people do? Or it may just be that they are all stoned out of their minds. Who can really say? Either way, the Austrian courts in the city of Wiener Neustadt are having none of it and have effectively told the idiots to "get stuffed."

chimp Matthew
Mutter? Vater?

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I Have Won An Award

Somehow or other I have managed to win an award for the crap I put on the internet which some of us call a 'blog.' I am deeply humiliated by this, or humbled, or something, and wish to thank everyone who voted for me and all my many fans in Ethiopia!

Mwa! Mwa! Kisses for all the ladies!

donkey award

Thank you McEwen, for making me feel like the luckiest girl in the whole USA! I am finally a Disney Princess! If only I were hung like a donkey rather than simply a donkey butt-kicking jackass, but you take what you can get in this life, I suppose.

Thank you one and all! You were there and you were there and you were there! Oh Auntie Emme, there's no place like home!

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Random Thoughts Rolling Around in my Head

oktoberfest girl
German girls know how to party

Why do we say "The UK" now, instead of "Great Britain"? I realize they lost just about everything in World Wars I and II, but since when have we been the least bit concerned about accuracy and objective truth? Seriously. Why is it The United Kingdom now? When did this happen? What do you call people from the UK? You call them British, right? Are we going to start calling them UKians? Whatever we decide, it's only a matter of time before the American media starts mistakenly calling them UK-Americans.

Why do I hear about all sort of excitement, some not so good and some very good, in New Guinea and New Zealand (poor guy) and Australia, but never a word about Tasmania? I mean, for crying out loud, the Tasmanian Devil is the most popular cartoon character in the United States, yet how many Americans even realize that Tasmania is a place? Can you surf there? Are there kangaroos? Do they have hot blonde bikini babes on the beaches like they have in Australia? What's the story? Where are my Aussie friends to explain all of this to me since my American teachers failed so miserably?

Why are the French so pissed off all the time? Is all that talk about sexy French women just a myth? Or are they all lesbians now or something? What's wrong with you people? Don't you have wine? Wine is a drink, not a national pasttime. Put on your big girl panties or something. Take heart in the knowledge that Americans are trying as hard as we can to overtake you in the whining department. And why do all other English-speaking countries call it 'whinging' instead of 'whining'? How did this happen?

Why aren't the Germans more popular? I mean, they have lots and lots of hot blonde girls and apparently they think nothing of walking around stark naked in public. You'd think American tourists would be all over that shit.

According to 'experts' on TV, the Japanese are the world's most advanced country, but having virtually no sex at all and so few children that they are facing a major population crisis in the very near future. And this at a time when the Westernization of their diet has resulted in their women developing larger breasts, smaller waists, and sexier bootays than any generation of Japanese women in history. In fact, with the rise of the internet porn industry, which is rapidly overtaking software as the single biggest economic gold mine of today, China is trying to figure out a way to get their citizens to stop aborting girls and start having as many as possible. Russia exports more porn than oil, and they're the second largest oil producer in the world. And interestingly, Muslim nations are the worlds largest IMPORTER of porn despite being the only nations that actually treat women as badly as the feminists treat men in the West. Of course, most Muslim nations treat their men pretty horribly badly, too, providing fuel for the arguments that porn causes extreme violence. I don't know about that. I don't think porn causes me to hurt myself too badly. Beating off is just an expression, after all. Maybe porn is inspiring women to use vibrators that are way too big? I'm guessing, obviously.

aki oshino
I'm turning Japanese I think I'm turning Japanese I really think so ...

Sally Field is proof that drugs DO cause brain damage.

With all the corruption in governments around the world, why would allegedly highly educated and intelligent people across the globe conclude that an organization made up of government agents forming one giant unelected and unaccountable government, the United Nations, be somehow more trustworthy and less corrupt? And how much more evidence to the contrary is needed before everyone figures out that this is a huge mistake?

Am I cursed or something? Just the other day I was saying how Natalie and Amanda are my two favorite hotties on "Beauty and the Geek" and then last night those assholes pitted them against each other for elimination. Fuck me! Now my favorite brunette babe is GONE.

Speaking of ""Beauty and the Geek", a computer club at Washington State University is desperately trying to attract some hot girls for its' many, many geeky guys. They've apparently been so inspired by the geeks who get laid by uber-hotties on "Beauty and the Geek" that they've lost touch with reality. They're holding a nerd auction to try to sell themselves to hot sorority girls. Little do they realize that instead of wanting them for sex, those few girls who do bid on them are only going to want them to scrub their tubs and showers, clean their toilets, and maybe install something on their computers. But they will not be having any sex with them.

Of all the trends and expressions that Americans steal from those sexy Australians, the expression I most want to see catch on here is "Holy Snapping Duck Shit." That just cracks me up. Do all Australians say this, or is it just a Steph thing?

And now, time for coffee.

We make lousy cars, but excellent wine
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Rednecks and Sensitive Stuff

Three Rednecks were working on a cell phone tower - Cooter, Pete, and K.C.

As they start their descent Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Pete says, "Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife."

dr cooter
KC says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Pete says, "Where did you get that beer, KC?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," KC replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?

" Well, not exactly", KC says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,' You must be Cooter's widow'."

trash queen
She said, "You must be mistaken, I'm not a widow."....

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

sad woman
Rednecks Are Good At Sensitive Stuff

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Because It's Monday

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?

Unique Up on It.

2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?

Tame Way, Unique Up On It.

3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?

They Take The Psycho Path

4. How Do You Get Holy Water?

You Boil The Hell Out Of It.

5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?


6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting on the Ice too long?


7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?

A Stick

8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?

Nacho Cheese.

9. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.

10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?

Quattro Sinko.

11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?

Spoiled Milk.

12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?


13. What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?

A Nervous Wreck.

14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?

Anyone Can Roast Beef. Can you pea soup?

15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?

Right Where You Left Him.

16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?

Because They Have Big Fingers.

17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?

Because It Scares the Dog

18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?


19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?

The location of the dirt bag.

20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?

Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.

21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a Bad Skydiver?

A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!

A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.

22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?

Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer

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All The News That's Fit To Spin


Dads walking daughters down the aisle, a no-no in Stockholm

In Sweden, the Lutheran church has prohibited fathers from walking their daughters down the isle. It's not for biblical reasons. It's for feminist reasons. They say it's "sexist" and so men aren't allowed to do it. The article quoted a female viccar who heads a church in which she just told a bride her father wasn't welcomed in her own wedding. Interestingly, the Christian Bible clearly prohibits women from being the spiritual leader of a church over men, but this has been allowed anyway. No mention was made of mothers being similarly restricted, of course.

Study: Soccer beats jogging for fitness

It also beats jogging for trips to the ER, most frequently caused by overly aggressive shitheads who would rather kick the other players than the ball. These ER visits are often followed by many months of inactivity while the injured player tries to rehab the injured bodypart.

Man hits wife in head with an onion

Clearly this is domestic violence and further proof of an epidemic of violence against women, justifying the $10 billion that was allocated for the Department of Justice's all-female domestic violence branch, and this after the initial $4.6 billion that established it in the first place. It takes tens of billions of dollars to combat onion throwing men, plus a special network of federal agents, but eventually this war on men throwing onions will be a great success, much as our war on drugs has been.

Democrats fail to pass anti-war bill

It was Talk Like A Pirate Day and they all got so wrapped up in it that they accidently let this one slip by. Aargh!

Judge denies request to free Jena teen

If you say "Jena teen" out loud to yourself, it almost sounds like some chocolatey drink mix. Try it - say "Jena teen" several times quickly and see if you don't agree.

Glamorous politician wants law to allow 7-year itch

Bill, Is that you? Hillary? Rudy? Teddy?

Thousands of hyphens perish as English marches on

And yet, still the word 'misandry' remains mysteriously absent from almost all copies of the dictionary. Take a look for yourself, if you don't believe me. And if you don't have a printed copy handy, just open up Microsoft Word and type it in. It'll underline it as an error. Then type 'misogyny' and suddenly there's no problem.

Mattel apologizes to China over recalls

Mattel said they were sorry that Americans are such a bunch of whiny-assed wimps who suddenly don't remember that their own toys as children we made of steel, painted with lead-based paint, and not subjected to ANY safety standards of any kind. And yet somehow the currently reigning generation survived all of this horror, only to turn around and ban every good toy ever made, thus creating a huge market for them on Ebay, where an old $1 steel Tonka truck now sells for $50 and more.

Stocks end higher after Oracle earnings

I need to sell this stock and invest all the money in Baidu. This is not a joke. It's just a note to myself. Carry on.

Biofuels Doubters are Emerging

Some people don't think fuel made from poop is such a great idea. Who knew that Sarah Silverman was a prophet of the technological future when she uttered this phrase: "My car smells like farts!"

And now, the weather ....

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Leave Michael Vick Alone!

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Leave General Petraeus Alone

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Leave Bill Belichick Alone!

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Chris Crocker's dad on Jimmy Kimmel Live Britney Spears

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Chris Crocker - Eat My Cornhole!

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Leave Chris Crocker Alone!

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New Zealand Man

new zealand
Did you notice that he's covering his balls?

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Loonies On The Path - XL - Fat Black Bitch

angry black woman

Hey there, you fat, black, racist, cunt. I see you there, looking at me in your rearview mirror. You were just about to go when you saw The White Man pull up behind you and decided that it was much more important that you play your game than that you actually get to where you were going on time. In fact, it's much more important to fuck with The White Man than it is to do anything else in the whole world.

I know this because I deal with big, fat, racist, black bitches like you every single day, everywhere I go. And it's always the same game. It's the game you and your fat, black, herpes-infested, narcissistic, all-about-me friends sit around bragging and laughing about every day on your cell phones instead of working or watching your kids or doing much of anything else. It's your only real passion, besides pampering your fat diva self.

You would have sat there blocking me for an hour if I had let you, wouldn't you? Yes you would, bitch. I know you. I know you better than you know yourself. I've analyzed you and all your whore friends for a lifetime. I know your game and all the rules better than you do.

My momma used to play your game. Only she wasn't a racist pig, like you, bitch. She was a screaming feminist, which is exactly the same thing, only they're consumed with the hatred of All Men instead of just White Men. And the thing about my momma, she didn't have no cell phone pressed to her big, fat, Jerry Curl head to flap her cow lips into while she was fucking with The Man in traffic. No, all she had was ME.

Yeah, she'd mumble out loud to me, "you're just passing me BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN!" And then she'd floor the gas pedal to prevent the guy, whomever he was, from getting around her. It didn't matter to her that she had been going 30 mph in a 55 mph zone and it didn't matter that it was perfectly legal and appropriate for The Man to pass her. No, she was just like you. She was consumed with a hatred and a desire to attack every Man she saw. So she'd get in front of The Men and go as slow as she could, tapping her brakes to bring him in closer. Then, and this always amused me, she'd get MAD at The Man for being behind her.

"Quit riding my ass! You're only riding my ass BECAUSE I'M A WOMAN!"

At this point you might think she'd be relieved when The Man went to go around her since she was supposedly so upset about him being behind her in the first place. But no, her hatred scrambled her brains, much like yours are, you fat racist water buffalo, and so she'd scream some more when The Man tried to go around her passive aggressive sexist crazy ass. She'd floor the gas and go from 30 to whatever speed was required in order to block The Man and prevent him from getting away from her misandric-crazy ass.

When I was finally old enough to drive, all this knowledge of these crazy, man-hating, feminist bitches who lived in my hometown came in really handy. I learned how to play the game in such a way as to leave the screaming bitches even madder when it was over than they were when it began, even when I didn't ever pass them. But that's another story. Suffice it to say that I know you very, very well, bitch, and I know how to play you like a fish on a line.

You nearly shit when you saw me turn around and suddenly reappear at another intersection just down from you, didn't you? You were so panicked that I was going to pull out without you being in front of me to block me that you didn't even look to see if it was clear for you to go. No, you pulled right out in front of a Cadillac, driven by another Black Woman (how ironic is that) and came screaming down the road, nearly hitting me just so you could stop me from getting away. I could hear that 6-cylinder Nissan Maxima engine screaming and rattling as it tried desperately to take in all that hatred and use it for fuel to propel your fat buffalo ass down Germantown Parkway as quickly as possible.

A White Man is threatening to get away!!!!!!!! Oh NOOOOOOOOO!

I'm going to hazard a guess here, and speculate that the brakes on your car don't wear evenly, do they? I'll bet the front pads on the driver's side are always wearing out on you, while the passenger side still has plenty left. Am I right? You don't even know because you hire Mexicans to do your brakes for you, don't you, bitch? And they try to tell you, but you don't like what it implies about your fat diva self, so you have them "talk to the hand", right Queen Latifah?

I do want to compliment you on that lovely Christmas tree air freshener that you have hanging from your rearview mirror, though. That looks fabulous. It doesn't quite get the funky smell of your sweaty, drooling, overstretched, overused, diseased cooter out of the car, though, does it? It still smells like ass and Jerry Curl inside your car, no matter how many air fresheners you buy at AutoZone. And that drives you nuts, doesn't it? You blame the car, right? You blame the leather seats and swear you're getting cloth next time, right? Except you won't. Leather is a status symbol and your ego is much more important than getting rid of the funk. Anyway, deep in your subconscious you know it isn't the seats. It's your herpes hole. It's you.

How mad were you when I ended up in front of you anyway? You must have been pretty upset at losing The Game because you gave up completely and pulled off the road the minute I had won. I mean, you didn't even TRY after that. Shit, my mom and her feminist bitch friends used to chase our teenaged male asses all the way down the Parkway trying to get BACK in front of us so they could lock up their brakes, which I'll have to admit was fucking crazy, but that's what hate is all about. That's feminism. That's black racism. That's the name of the game. And you lost, bitch. You lost and so you took your toys and went home to cry in your cellphone.

Do you pray to God with the same tongue that you use to curse The White Man? Did you ask Jesus into that racist heart of yours? Do you suppose he was able to find any room in there, considering how you keep it all stuffed full with hatred of The White Man, hatred of the last man who dumped your diva ass, and a secret hatred of your own girlfriend for being prettier than you? I'm willing to bet that every Sabbath day you and your fat diva ass are in some church, raising your hands in the air and dancing like James Brown while you say "praise Jesus! PRAISE Jesus!" You call it praise time. And after praise time, you pray to God, asking for a million dollars, asking to be famous, asking to be thin, asking for a man who won't run away from you, asking for The White Man to die. And God never seems to answer, does he? Why do you suppose that is?

I'll bet when you die and go up to Heaven, you're going to find a surprise. I'll bet they're going to tell you that there is a little technical difficulty in that you never made any room in your heart for Jesus, or pretty much anyone else at all. So he couldn't get in. And so, unfortunately, there is now no room for you.

I could be wrong. Who can say? I'm not God. But I know you. I know what's in your heart. I saw it in my mother. I see it in random black racists at the grocery store, at WalMart, at the bank, in traffic. It didn't surprise me one bit when you cut off another black woman in your desperate attempt to get to me and prevent me from pulling out. Because I know you. Because I know what's in you. It isn't just about race. It's about hate in general. It's a cancer and it's eating you up so completely that you don't even notice how your total selfishness affects the people around you, including your black 'sisters and brothers', and not to even mention your many, many children who beg you for your love, but never fully receive it.

How can you love them fully, when you're so busy loving only yourself?

I know you. I know everything about you, from where you've been to where you're going. I know what you're going to do with your shopping cart when you see me coming down the aisle. I know what you're going to call me when you walk straight at me in the mall, expecting me to move to the side and let you run over me, only to be surprised when I lock eyes with you and don't yield one inch more than you do. I know where you're going to walk when you cross the parking lot and see me coming in my truck. I know whose face you're going to slam the door in as you walk into the store ahead of me. I know what you tell your children when you think I don't hear. I know what you say about the black men who left you because they couldn't take one minute more of your selfish, abusive personality.

I know you and I can play you with ease any time I want to.

But I can't save you from the darkness you live in.

No one can do that but you.

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Don't Taze Me, Bro - OW OW!!!


So, some college student at a Florida University was arrested and Tasered yesterday. The video is all over the place. They're playing the audio from it on the radio while they argue about whether it was justified or abuse. I'm watching the video and trying to draw out my own reaction here.

Hey, it doesn't look like they attacked his testicles, so I'm pretty much not getting wound up on this one.

Yeah, everyone knows I'm not a huge fan of Taser International, the manufacturer of the Tom Swift Electric Rifle, especially after they redesigned the weapon to fire a dart into the genitals as often as possible.

And everyone knows I'm not a fan of the feminists' shoving women into the police force via quotas, forcing them to reduce the size and strength requirements for officers just so they could have their feminized dream army.

And many of us remember that the feminization of the police is why they then started teaching them to use sexual assault and castration as a tool for apprehending ordinary citizens, because most police women are smaller than most men. Also, when a rather manish woman with short hair starts ordering a man around as if she's his daddy it usually incites a response of resistance and resentment in the man. In many women, too, actually.

Hey, when reality doesn't fit your politicized fantasy, just resort to sexual torture. Can't get your square peg to fit in that round hole? Don't admit you were wrong. Just get a bigger hammer. Sure. Whatever.

But all in all, what is my reaction to this video? Since I probably should say something, I'll say this:

the guy should have shut up and gone along as soon as the first cop put her hand on him and said, "let's go." Everything after that was a big mistake. And certainly once he was on the ground, no way should he have rolled over, exposing his groin by the way, and said "don't Taze me, bro!"

I mean, really, did he ACTUALLY call the cop 'bro'?


So, I nearly hit a doe, a buck, and a bitch in a minivan this morning.

I shouldn't say that. I don't know if she was a bitch. I just know she wasn't a very good driver. But it was early and maybe she was tired? I know I was. I still am. I'm dragging lower than Dolly Parton's original breasts. I wonder who her plastic surgeon is? I wonder if they installed straps under her skin to help hold those puppies up? If they didn't then someone needs to invent this. Maybe I could do it? I could be rich - the guy who invented under-the-skin boob straps. I'll bet there's a big market for this, especially in California, where real breasts are rarer than a complete set of testicles in Congress.

I wonder if my coworkers would notice if I made a pot of triple strength coffee? I mean, just add a little extra sugar and cream and you're good to go, right?

I drink it black, so I really wouldn't know.

chelsea handler
Chelsea Handler

Last night on Chelsea Handler's talk show 'Chelsea Lately', she said "they say once you go black, you never go back. I went black for a while. I came running back. That was too much pain for me."

That cracked my shit up.

So, I'm thinking of emailing her and telling her I'd do her. Who knows, maybe she'll email back and say, "come on over!" Yeah, 'cause you just never know until you try.

Yes you do. That's not gonna happen.

kim kardashian

Chelsea's guest was model Kim Kardashian, the girl with the big bootay. Chelsea asked her if her bootay was real or was the result of butt implants, as rampant rumors claim. Kim responded that her butt is all real, and that she's had it since she was about 12.

Chelsea said, "well, I don't guess there's a lot of girls that young going around getting implants."

Kim started to say "you'd be surprised" but then stopped herself.

They used to refer to California's Silicon Valley. They still do, only now it has nothing to do with software.

I was supposed to be reading last night, but I ended up watching "Beauty and the Geek" instead. There are two women on there that just blow me away, named Natalie and Amanda. Natalie is possibly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

Natalie and Amanda

In contrast to that, one of the geeks, Joshua, is perhaps the geekiest geek of all time. I honestly think he could have been the inspiration for Jerry Lewis' famous geek character if only he had been born at the right time. I can hear this guy shouting, "oh Deeeeeeeeean, pretty laaaaaaaay-dee!" Poor guy, he picked the dumbest of the beauties to be his partner. He's as good as out of there already.


After that show, "Girls Next Door" came on and I am ashamed to admit that I watched it. I love Kendra, but I couldn't care less about the other two. Kendra you could play soccer with all day and fuck all night. The others, I guess you'd take them shopping? Who can say what they do all day? Whatever it is, I'll bet it's boring and pink and has a stupid bow on it.

kendra wilkinson

Now keep in mind, this is just my reaction after seeing one episode. I don't know much of anything about any of the girls. Maybe I would like the other two better if I did? Hugh seemed older than dirt. The man could barely get up off the couch without a walker. I envy him having a hot 20-year-old in his stable. Hell, I envy him having a stable at all, but good Lord, he's old.

Dick and Daniele

I heard on the radio that Dick the dick won Big Brother this season. I saw a grand total of one episode and I didn't like Dick or the other dick that he schemed with at all. But Dick had his daughter to shield him, which I would think gave him a huge advantage over everyone else. I loved his daughter, but he was a skeeze.

So anyway, I have to poop and this post is about as random a collection of my random and useless thoughts as you could ask for. So there you go.

Other News Stories That Caught My Eye Today

OJ Simpson's Bail set at $125000 - Maybe he's just really desperate for attention and maybe there's some wild anti-OJ conspiracy going on here. The bottom line is - I don't care.

Nebraska state senator sues God - ever wondered if you elected a moron or a lunatic? Here's a pretty strong indicator. This jackass hates God and Christians and presumably Jews, although he lacks the balls to answer about the Jew part, and he wants to make a big statement to all the world about it. Listen up, bro, we don't care about your problems with The Almighty. Get over it. Or go to hell. Whatever.

"Dead" man wakes up under autopsy knife - I haven't read this one, but it sure doesn't sound very pleasant. I mean, how bad would this suck? Clearly the guy was already having a rough time, and then he wakes up to find them carving him like a turkey.

Forklift removes 900-pound man from home - I guess the Scooter Store didn't have one in his size?

Seattle trolley line has acronym: SLUT - well, now EVERYBODY'S gonna want to ride.

British woman gets 20 years for "honor killing" - this is the difference between a woman killing a man and a woman killing a woman. She killed a woman and got 20 years, as opposed to the 67 days she would have gotten had she killed her husband. Take note, boys and girls, this may be on the test.

Eyes Can't Resist Beautiful People - the feminists are going to shit over this one. That whole 'sexual harassment via ogling' thing flies in the face of reality. Then again, so does ... nevermind.

Elderly at highest risk for suicide - I thought males between the ages of 14 and 25 were at the highest risk for suicide, especially considering they account for roughlly 80 percent of them? Oh wait, the woman the Clintons appointed to run the CDC, whom Bush mysteriously left in charge, says that this is not a problem. But when the number of girls in the same age range committing suicide rose from about 4 to 14 she declared it an "epidemic" and sounded the alarm. So I guess I can see how a little money from the AARP into her back pocket might result in this new declaration less than a month after she claimed there was that epidemic of suicides among girls. Yeah, second verse, same as the first. Everybody sing along.

Cannabis is catch of the day for Irish trawler - I'm guessing these guys won't be home from 'fishing' for several weeks after this. They'll be found out there, floating aimlessly without anyone at the helm, everyone laying about on the deck just smiling and staring into the distance. Ah, the sailor's life is the life for me!

EBay stops sale of Belgium - oh thank God! We almost lost this European treasure to some wealthy software developer in Sacramento.

By the way, for those of you who don't know, today is International Talk Like A Pirate Day.

captain jack sparrow

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Dear Memphis

Dear Memphis Steve,

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with "the girls" a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them."

I always try to stay awake to look out for her coming home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her.

Around midnight, I decided to hide in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night out with "the girls ". When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, which was open, and she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouching behind my clubs, that I noticed that the graphite shaft on my driver appeared to have a hairline crack right by the club head.

Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro shop where I bought it?



why I golf
My golf buddy
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I Am Nostradamus! Mary Winkler Appears on Oprah

mary black widow winkler
Mary 'Shooter' Winkler

I am the predictor of the future! My record regarding Mary Winkler has been spot on thus far.

I predicted on the day that Matthew Winkler was found murdered and his wife and kids missing that she did it, she would claim "I'm the real victim. I was abused", she would get away with it, and then she'd be on Oprah with everyone all sympathetic and talking about how domestic violence is bad, except when women do it to men, blah blah.

I got it all right on the money.

Until the very last part.

Mary Winkler was on Oprah. She told her story. Or rather, she told her lawyers' story as best as she could remember it, but it has holes and she couldn't remember all the answers they gave her.

Oprah was skeptical. She wasn't buying it.

Yes, my bitches, you heard right. Oprah wasn't buying Mary Winkler's "I'm the REAL victim" story, hook, line, or sinker.

At least, that's sure how it appeared from what I saw on the local news when they replayed parts of the interview. Even the newscasters were commenting on how Oprah seemed to feel that the Widow Winkler was full of shit.

I was SOOOOOOO close. I nearly hit a home-freakin-run with this story. Who would have thought, of all the parts to miss, that Oprah would throw a wrench in and prove me wrong?


Immediately after the airing of the interview, Mary Winkler was seen in downtown Memphis with her two lawyers drinking wine and celebrating. Her next goal, they say, is to grab her kids away from her victim's parents and keep them quiet, as they very nearly derailed her claims of victimhood once already.

After that, selling 'her' story to the highest bidder in order to profit from her crime is next on the agenda. Mary hopes to become a celebrity whose ugly face is hidden behind some famous actress portraying her on film. Charlize Theron is rumored to already be in talks with Mary's Dream Team for the rights, but producers aren't sure if Charlize can gain enough weight or be uglied up enough to pull it off. Rosie O'Donnell is being mentioned as a shoe-in, should she express interest.

But without Oprah's endorsement, it could all fall apart.
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Tamara Mitchell-Ford - DUI Diva

not Tamara

MEMPHIS,TN - "I juss wantsta apogolerize ta everbody tha' shupporded me. I know they're disha ... disha ... DIS-appointed and I'm disappointed in myseff," said Tamara Mitchell-Ford.

Mitchell-Ford was released from the Redneckville jail after spending 17 hours behind bars. It's the second time since February that she's been caught driving drunk in the city. This time her two year old son, knicknamed 'Crash Test Dummy', was in the car. The child, who was not hurt, was picked up at the scene by a family friend.

The Department of Children's Services says the case has been referred to them and they are investigating Mitchell-Ford's case with both hands tied behind their backs, as usual, because Tamara is female, black, a lawyer, and connected to the powerful Ford family.

According to the police report officers smelled a strong odor of intoxicant and 'just plain stink breath' after they stopped Mitchell-Ford for driving erratically. She had bloodshot watery eyes and was unsteady on her feet. Her child was in the backseat and behind his stupid, plastic, government-mandated carseat was a half empty bottle of vodka.

After 17 hours in jail, a bailbondsman showed up to post her $1,500 bond. He told News Channel 3's Stephanie Scurlock that Mitchell-Ford's ex-husband, former Senator John Ford arranged for the bond payment.

The former senator was sentenced to more than 5 years in federal prison for his part in a FBI sting operation last week. The couple divorced almost 6 years ago and are in a court battle over outrageously high child support payments for their 4 children.

Mitchell-Ford told Stephanie Scurlock by telephone she is stressed and depressed, medicated and predicated, cruisin' and choosin', skankin' and wankin', and always lookin' for some action. She says that played a role in her 2nd arrest in Redneckville for DUI.

Also, her massive addiction to alcohol is believed to have been a major factor, but she didn't mention that. She did say she would never do anything to intentionally harm any of her children. Of course, in light of cases over the past many years involving women such as Lorena Bobbitt and more recently, Mary Winkler, the term 'intentional' no longer carries any significance whatever, as Mitchell-Ford, a lawyer, would be well aware.

When asked about the Department of Children's Services agency investigating her case, she said she welcomed any help from them. 'A good babyshitter ish hard ta find.' Mitchell-Ford says she wishes she had asked for help earlier because 'it is hard to get a fine hook-up when there is them chillren in the car messin' wit ma presentation.'

If convicted she faces a mandatory 45 days in jail and an additonal 30 days for having her child in the car with her. This would mean she would spend a whole week in jail longer than Mary Winkler did for the cold blooded killing of her husband. Considering that she was beaten up by the other 'Memphis divas' while in jail the last time, this may actually turn out to be a geniune punishment for her.

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Man's World, My Ass

Drunken 17-year-old Australian girl kicks man repeatedly in groin, sending victim to hospital

A drunken Australian schoolgirl kneed and kicked a man repeatedly in the groin because he mispronounced her name, a court has been told.

Megan Jane Conroy, then 17, from Sandstone Point north of Brisbane, sobbed in the dock in the Brisbane District Court as she pleaded guilty to one count of assault occasioning bodily harm.

No one as yet has explained why she was not charged with a more serious sexual crime, as would appear appropriate due to the sexual nature of the assault.

The court was told she arrived home about 1am (AEST) on May 13, 2006, to find the complainant and a group of her mother's friends celebrating a birthday.

Conroy asked the 40-year-old complainant if he was "a Kiwi", and told him to "get fucked" when he replied in the affirmative.

She then took offence that he pronounced her name as "Maegan" instead of "Megan" and kneed him in the groin, demanding he say it correctly.

She pushed him against the wall and kicked his groin again before the complainant apologised.

Conroy finally let him go after trying to kick him a third time.

The man went to hospital and was treated for severe bruising to his testicles and excessive pain.

The court was told Conroy was intoxicated at the time and the behaviour was out of character.

She was released on a six-month good-behaviour bond and spared a criminal conviction, as if she had committed no crime at all.

* So much for my love of Australian women. And how is it that she gets off for a vicious sexual attack just because they don't have a record of her having done this before? How many rapes does a man get to commit before he's officially a rapist? The way she pinned him to the wall so she could attack him several times doesn't sound like any casual thing, something she just came up with on the spur of the moment while drunk. It sounds like the sort of thing the girl has done before, and realized she could get multiple attacks in when her victim was pinned between her and a wall so that he couldn't fall down. I guarantee, if they rounded up her friends, they'd all have more than a few stories of her attacking other guys. But hey, she's a girl and her victim was a guy, so it isn't really the same as a violent rape. It's empowerment. Rape is very empowering, you know. For the rapist.

I can do whatever I want

alex ferguson
Alex Ferguson

'Fighting drunk' pleads guilty to assault, but not sexual assault
Associated Press, Updated 3 hours ago

LONDON (AP) - A man who punched Manchester United manager Alex Ferguson in the groin outside a London train station pleaded guilty Wednesday to assault.

Kevin Reynolds, a 43-year-old from Scotland who was described as a homeless "fighting drunk" in court, also admitted to attacking and racially abusing a police support officer who was called to the scene.

Ferguson was waiting to be picked up outside the Euston train station in central London when the attack occurred Monday afternoon. Ferguson had soreness and tenderness after being punched in the testicles, officials told the City of London Magistrates Court.

The court was told that Ferguson thought the man staggering toward him was a beggar. Instead, Reynolds punched him and said: "I'm sorry Fergie, I did not know it was you."

Reynolds then allegedly chanted "Fergie, Fergie, shut your mouth" - a soccer chant common in Scotland.

The court was told that Reynolds had consumed half a bottle of vodka and several beers before the attack.

Magistrate Daphne Wickham described Reynolds as a "fighting drunk" and dismissed claims that he had been joking around.

"I do not think Sir Alex Ferguson saw this as a joke," Wickham said.

Reynolds was remanded in custody ahead of his sentencing date, which has yet to be determined. He could face up to two years in jail, but will likely get nothing if previous cases of sexual assault of males such as this one are any indication.

Ferguson had traveled from Manchester to London to attend a charity event.


Isiah's harassment trial heats up quickly
Kati Cornell
New York Post, Updated 19 minutes ago

Knick President and coach Isiah Thomas can be a charmer with a crowd, but a former team executive suing him for alleged sexual harassment told jurors yesterday he's a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

"He was always starting sentences with the word 'bitch,' " ex-marketing veep Anucha Browne Sanders testified in Manhattan federal court.

"Bitch, I don't give a fuck about the sponsors. Bitch, I don't give a fuck about ticket sales. That's your job," Sanders quoted Thomas as telling her whenever she tried to involve players in promotional events for the failing team.

Sanders, a senior vice president for the team from 2000 to 2006, acknowledged that in public, Thomas is "very pleasant and personable. He was the Isiah that we see."

But behind the scenes, the hotheaded coach, who joined the team in 2003, flew into frequent rages, dropping f-bombs and targeting venom toward her, the team's only female vice president, she said.

He also allegedly took aim at whites.

Sanders said that when she asked Thomas at one point to hand-sign letters to season-ticket holders, he spat, "I don't give a fuck about these white people."

She said that prompted her to remind the coach that 80 percent of the team's season-ticket holders are white.

A 6-foot-1, former college basketball star, Sanders stayed composed as she recounted the alleged verbal abuse and her repeated complaints to her bosses.

But she finally cracked when she said Thomas suddenly flipped his approach - professing his love and suggesting they go "off-site."

Thomas first pulled her aside at a Christmas party in 2004, and the two had joined in a basketball game called "horse," Sanders said.

That's when Thomas told her, "I figured out why we have problems. It's because we're so much alike. I'm in love with you. It's like the movie, 'Love and Basketball,' " Sanders said.

Anyone ever heard of this movie?

"I said, 'You're out of your mind,' " Sanders said. "I wanted to get out of there as fast as I could. I was just nervous."

Sometime later, Thomas called Sanders to a meeting in his office, purportedly to discuss staffing issues, closed the door and gave her a "big hug," she said.

Oh no, not the Big Hug!

"He said, 'You know I'm in love with you,' " Sanders recalled. "I said, 'Isiah, we just need to figure out a way to work together. Where else do you have an African-American president of the Garden, an African-American president of the team and an African-American vice president?'

"It is a tremendous message to minorities that this even exists," a teary-eyed Sanders recalled saying, clearing her throat as she repeated his response with rehearsed emotion, like a delicate flower who is easily offended, or perhaps a former Rutgers player who is even more easily offended and prone to fainting and weeping and suing.

"I want to take you off-site for some private time," she said Thomas told her, oddly not indicating the use of the word 'bitch' in any more quotes.

In opening statements yesterday, Thomas' lawyer Kathleen Bogas denied that the Knick honcho had ever acted inappropriately toward Sanders, either verbally or sexually. She called him "nothing other than a total gentleman. A pimpin' man with a stable full of hos. He don't need no lanky-assed oversized donkey-face like her."

Bogas said Sanders didn't like the changes that Thomas made when he took over the team and "decided to lash out ... played the sexual-harassment card, which always wins."

Frank Jude

Male stripper beaten almost to death by off-duty police
By Emanuella Grinberg, Court TV

(Court TV) — A male stripper who says he was stripped naked in the street and brutally beaten by a gang of off-duty police officers made himself a target when he tried to steal an officer's badge to use in his striptease, a defense attorney told jurors Wednesday in the battery trial of three officers.

"The suggestion that this case is not about a badge is insulting," said Michael Hart, lawyer for defendant Andrew Spengler, in his closing argument. "You better believe this case is about the badge."

Spengler, along with co-defendants Jon Bartlett and Daniel Masarik, faces three years in prison if convicted of substantial battery. Bartlett and Masarik face an additional 10 years on reckless endangerment charges.

While Hart condemned the viciousness of the attack, which landed alleged victim Frank Jude in the hospital near death, with a broken nose and bruises all over his body, including and especially his testicles, he denied that his client had anything to do with the major injuries Jude suffered the morning of Oct. 24, 2004.

Frank Jude suffered a concussion, a broken nose and fractured sinus cavity, cuts in both ears, cuts and swelling to his left eye, neck, head, face, legs and back, and a severely sprained left hand, his attorney said. His left eye was swollen shut and continued to bleed for 10 days, he said.
Jude said he will need surgery to breathe through his nose again, may have permanent disability in one hand and suffers diminished vision. He said he has nightmares and panics when he sees police near his home in the Fox Valley area or when he visits extended family in Milwaukee.

At 6 feet tall, Jude, who was 230 pounds and physically fit at the time of the beating, said that helped him endure the ordeal.

"I believe if I was a smaller man I never would have survived," he said.

Hart told the panel of nine women and four men that his client, a former Milwaukee police officer, used appropriate force while trying to detain Jude on suspicions that the 26-year-old stripper had stolen his badge.

In the prosecution's closing argument Tuesday, Milwaukee County District Attorney Michael McCann scoffed at the suggestion that the theft of the badge, which was never recovered, was at the heart of the trial.

"It's because of the gravity of the injuries to Jude that this case was forced into the public light," said McCann told jurors. "The kicking to the head, the kicking to the testicles and all over his body, that's the issue here, not whether he took the badge."

McCann also argued that because of a "blue wall of silence," several police witnesses denied seeing any violence against Jude.

Jude said the incident has affected his wife, 4-year-old boy and baby girl. The day he came home from the hospital, Jude said, his son thought he had dressed early for Halloween.

"He said, 'Take off your mask Daddy.' And he tried to take it off. I said, 'I'm OK. I'm OK.' I had tears in my eyes. I'll never forget that."

Woman shoots divorcing husband 4 times with shotgun
Tue Sep 11, 5:51 PM ET

VANCOUVER, Wash. - A woman is accused of shooting her husband four times with a 16-gauge double-barreled shotgun after learning he had met someone else and wanted a divorce.

Eddie Martin, 51, survived the attack, but may have to have a limb amputated. Sheryl Martin, also 51, had to go to the garage and reload after the first two shots.

Martin made her first appearance on Monday in Clark County Superior Court. Martin was released on bail and was ordered to live with her parents, as she is prohibited from returning to the home she shares with her husband/victim. She will be formally charged September 21st.

Eddie Martin, when backed into a corner by his angry wife, told her he was having an affair and wanted a divorce.

They argued and Eddie went to sleep in a camper. Sheryl found a shotgun, loaded it, went out to the camper, and shot him while he was in bed.

Visions of Mary Winkler

Sheryl Martin called 911 and told a dispatcher what she had done and was arrested on Saturday.

The pair have been married for 30 years.

Based on an endless number of previous cases in which angry women have shot or sexually mutilated sleeping men, including cases in which the women admitted they were just mad and had no specific reason, it is expected that she will be declared the "real victim" and receive no punishment whatever.

Police grab protester by testicles and try to crush them

Plainclothesed police in Kuala Lumpur are accused of grabbing protestor, Saari Sungib, by the neck, arms, legs, and testicles. They then allegedly squeezed his testicles and tried to crush them, a violent sexual attack which can cause death, especially when the victim is kept on his back, as Saari was.

“Several men in plainclothes surrounded me … I was dragged by my neck … and thrown down to the ground,” he said.

“Although my body was held hard, I managed to clamp my knees together to prevent them from crushing my testicles,” he added.

Saari alleged that the arrest was a ‘vindictive act’ on the part of Special Branch officers who are upset with his criticisms against the police.

He said that he also sustained injuries to his neck, arms and left shoulder as a result of that incident.

Saari also revealed that he will take legal action against the government, inspector-general of police and all those involved in violating his human right.

Saari being sexually assaulted by plainclothes police
Saari being molested
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I Read the News Today, Oh Boy!


Swedish grandmother hospitalised after beaver attack
Well, I hope her beaver recovers.

'Redneck Games' a problem for police
It was the ever popular Daisy Duke Camel Toe contest that started all the trouble.

Giant Lego man found in Dutch sea
We had always envisioned invading space aliens as being all slimy and scary.
But apparently they're giants made of Lego!

Firm sees big impact from enlarging condoms
Yes, yes, yes!

Boy man arrested in NJ schoolyard deaths
I wonder which half is the boy and which half is the man?
For his sake, I hope the lower half is the man.
Otherwise, no wonder he's killing people.

Woman has pencil removed from head
I know I had a pencil here a moment ago.
Dammit, where could I have left it?

Priest nabbed while running nude
Bless me, Father, for I have ... been more blessed than you, clearly.

Man smuggles monkey into NYC airport
How could they tell him apart from any other New Yorker?

Farmer attacks police with muck spreader
You attack our genitals, we attack you with shit.
Any remaining doubt that Western society is sinking lower and lower?

Bad bosses get promoted, not punished?
Who didn't know this already?
Anyone who has ever worked in a U.S. corporation or for the U.S government could have told them this.

Arkansas couple welcomes 17th child
There really isn't much else to do in Arkansas

No more crispy duck served at toilets
I think I'll have a pee ... and some crispy duck while I'm here!

Bubble gum with Nazi stickers sold in Israel
Collect the whole set!

Rapping kebab vendor stuns France
That's because he's a GANGSTA-rapping kebab vendor

* OK, it appears that these links aren't working anymore. That sucks, but I expect if there are any news stories here that you just must see, you can probably find them elsewhere via Google. Sorry about that.
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Oklahoma Fan Sexually Assaults, Mutilates Texas Man

Oklahoma fans are celebrating the sexual assault and partial castration of a Texas fan who did nothing more than show up in Oklahoma City wearing a Texas Longhorns T-shirt.

53-year-old Oklahoma fan Allen Michael Beckett, a short Oklahoma fan with years of military training and a severe case of short-man complex, taunted 32-year-old Texas fan Brian Christopher Thomas after Christopher had walked into Henry Hudson's Pub on June 17 wearing a Longhorns T-shirt.

Thomas told police that when he decided to leave and went to the bar to pay his tab, Beckett grabbed him by the balls, pulled him to the ground violently by his testicles, ripping his scrotum like tissue paper, and wouldn't let go, even as bar patrons tried to break up the vicious sexual attack. When the two men were separated, Thomas looked down to find horrific bloody injuries.

"He could see both of his testicles hanging on the outside of his body," said Thomas' attorney, Carl Hughes. "He was wearing a pair of white shorts, which made it that much worse." It was a bloody mess.

It took more than 60 stitches to close the ghastly wound, and police interviewed Thomas at a nearby hospital emergency room.

The attacker, Allen Michael Beckett, a 53-year-old church deacon, federal auditor and former Army combat veteran, has pleaded not guilty to aggravated assault charges that could put him in prison for a mere five years.

Critics say the charge of aggravated assault does not fit the crime and is ridiculously lenient, particularly considering the vicious sexual nature of the attack and the horrific consequences for the victim. Unfortunately, laws in Oklohoma, much like laws in most states as well as federal laws, do not recognize crimes of sexual violence against males as being of any special significance and treat them as being no more harmful than a punch in the nose.

Texas fans are encouraged to contact the District Attorney of Oklahoma City as well as the Governor of Oklahoma and protest as loudly as possible. Alternatively, anyone wanting to drive to Oklahoma City and find Allen Michael Beckett to show him up close and personal how they feel about his violent sex-crime are encouraged to round up as many friends as possible and do so. Perhaps the Aggies' old bonfire tradition might be revived for this special occasion and topped off with a sex-offender? Just a thought.

* By the way, I never had anything against the Oklahoma Sooners until now. But after reading about this, I hope they lose every game.

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I Am Forever 12 Years Old

sunday school

It was Sunday morning and I was in church. Sunday school, to be exact. It was pouring rain outside. You could actually hear water running somewhere over our heads or perhaps down a pipe in the wall. It was difficult to pinpoint exactly where the sound was coming from, but it was distracting from the discussion of the Bible.

Just then, someone in an adjacent room moved something huge. It sounded as if they were dragging a cruise ship on its' hull across a concrete driveway.


"What was THAT?!" the Sunday School teacher inquired, somewhat rhetorically.

Seeing an opportunity and being perpetually 12-years-old, I couldn't help myself.

"That was me," I said, as I placed my hand on my abdomen. "Sorry about that." And then I made a face like I was horribly embarrassed.

There was what seemed an eternity of dreaded silence as the rest of the class turned to look at me.

Uh oh! Bad timing.

And then, blessed relief, they began to laugh. The teacher tried to continue reading, but he couldn't. I had pulled it off!


I gotta stop doing that.

The rain lasted all weekend long, resulting in a dense fog that appeared last night and has remained throughout this morning. Driving is difficult and I have been instantly reminded that I need to install some fog lights on my truck.

So of course I am driving at my usual speed, only now I'm squinting and leaning forward as if it will somehow help to get closer to the windshield.

As I flew down a country road on my way into work this morning, I saw in the distance a black man standing in the middle of the road. A minivan coming the other way stopped and he walked over to it. As I came upon him I was forced to slow to a crawl. He turned to look at me briefly. He appeared to be in a daze. A white woman was driving the minivan and they were talking. I saw some garbage in the road and averted my attention to avoid running over it.



And then I looked over to my right, down into the weeds in the ditch beside the road. Steam was rising up like smoke from a chimney.

There, shattered and broken almost beyond recognition, with the wipers still going, was the crumpled remains of his ruined little car.

That reminds me, it's deer season.

car in ditch

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High School Musical and AT&T

Vanessa Anne Hudgens
Vanessa Anne Hudgens

Vanessa Anne Hudgens, the 18-year-old star of Disney's red hot "High School Musical" is apparently feeling right at home in the footsteps of previous Disney stars Britney Spears, Christina Aguilera, and Lindsay Lohan. It must be the overabundance of estrogen flowing from the always very gay Disney studios because every girl who passes through their system comes out drunk or naked or both. But hey, I can't complain - I've got photos!

Vanessa Anne Naked
Nothing wrong with that

Now, as it happens, I have the unedited version of this photo, but in the interests of not getting my blog blocked by your IT people where you work, I'm posting it with the naughty bits covered. It's because I care. Do it for the children. It saves lives.

If you want to see the unedited version you can either search for it on your own, or email me naked photos of yourself or some other attractive female and in exchange I'll send you the unedited photo. How's that sound?

no ATT

So, getting back to AT&T, I was on the phone with them again all night last night. Yes, this was my date for Friday night. They got me set up on the internet, but my connection is way slow, so they said they were sending a technician by today at 6 p.m.

I was suspicious of this promise as today is Saturday and 6 p.m. is awfully late for a technician to come by, but I agreed to be here anyway, even though I know that AT&T is the AntiChrist and lies all the damn time.

So, I come here at 5:45 p.m. to wait for the technician. Of course he never shows. So I pick up the phone to call AT&T and tell them how thrilled I am that their shithead never showed.

No dialtone!

What the fuck?!

I check again. No dialtone.


So I pull out my trusty cellphone and call them up.

"Hey, it's after 6 and your technician hasn't showed and you have shut off my phone. What's the deal?"

"Our records show that he came by at 10:45 a.m. and found nothing wrong."

"Why the fuck would he come by at 10:45 a.m. when he is scheduled to be here at 6, which he did not show up for, and more importantly, why did he disconnect my phone?"

"Well, I don't know why he disconnected your phone. I can see from here that something is wrong with the line. His report says it was fine when he checked it."

"Yeah, and then he got mad because no one was home and ripped it out, right? Just because he's a dick and didn't come at the agreed upon time."

"I don't know what the problem is, but we'll have someone come by on Monday and I'll expedite this as a high priority ticket."

"That's awesome. In the meantime, we have no phones, whereas before your technician showed up we did have phones. That's not how its supposed to work, is it?"

Fucking AT&T!

AT&T hard at work
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