Wifeisms - ASPCA

shaved cat

It was late. She was pretty tired. We were discussing looking at houses. She suggested that I go with the buyer's agent to look in one area, while she went by herself to look up north and see if there was anything of interest there.

"We could kill two stones with one bird," she said, and then quickly tried to backtrack, "Er, that's not right. Is it? Stop laughing!"

Yes, she was tired. Very tired. And so she must be excused for what she did next.

I was looking through my mail. I came across a letter from the ASPCA, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. "This is probably for you," I said to her as I handed the huge, bulky envelope with "ASPCA" written in huge letters across the front to her.

"I don't want this," she said, and threw the envelope to the floor ..... hitting the cat with a "WHACK" and sending the terrified animal fleeing for her life.

"Did you just hit the cat with a letter from the ASPCA?" I asked incredulously.

"I didn't mean to!" she cried.

"Yeah, I gotta blog that."

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Brain Impulses That Slipped Out


You know what must suck? It must suck to be a fat teenaged girl. Let me tell you why I think this. Imagine being a teenage girl, all loaded up on hormones and dripping for some good hard slamming sex, and when you go and try to find some clothes to dress up all sexy in so you can go cruising for boys, the only thing you can find are those tight, tiny things they make for the Britney Spears lookalikes. When fat girls put these on they look like the Pillsbury Doughboy wearing a thong. It's just nasty. You've got to feel sorry for them. I mean, once you've stopped laughing.

But you know what really sucks? Being a hormone-charged teenaged boy. Yeah, walking around with a pole in your pants is rough. I know this one from experience. You know who my lab partner was in the 9th grade? I'll tell you, even though I've already said this about a thousand times now. It was Miss Alabama. She wasn't Miss Alabama yet, but she was well on her way. Biology was the only class where you didn't have your own desk. You had a table for two. So for 9 months I sat right next to and up against the future Miss Alabama, who liked to wear low-cut tops and was as horny as a porn star. I had a flag pole in my pants every single day for that hour long class. Yeah, and she she knew it, too. She reached over and grabbed the whole package one time. I almost fainted. I mean, right after I climaxed.

Have you ever been inside a bookstore, where it's all quiet and serene, with some mellow jazz CD playing softly over the sound system, and all of a sudden someone in the aisle next to you just lets out a huge, blaring fart? Yeah? Sorry about that.

Did you ever wonder why basball players are constantly messing with their nuts? Well I'll tell you then. If you had testicles and you had ever tried to wear an athletic cup over them you'd quickly find that those cups don't quite fit right. Whenever you try to make a move, such as, oh I don't know, say running to first base, that cup doesn't exactly move with you. Your nuts, made by God only slightly more durable than a soap bubble for some odd reason, can slip out of the cup and wind up being crushed under the edge of it or pinched off like an artery with a surgical clamp. How's that for fun? Yeah, that's why baseball players make so much money. They earn it just for having to wear those damned cups.

As bad as my life already is, I'm thinking of buying a motorcycle to ride to work. At least one of my coworkers has been hurt on one, and a former employee here was killed in a head-on collision while riding one. So I'm not quite sure why I want one. Maybe it's because I have to cross the railroad tracks every morning and I keep wondering just how much air I could catch if I were on a motorcycle and no one else was around when I hit the throttle and flew over them at about 60 mph? This is one of the primary differences between the sexes. Women see these railroad tracks and think, "I should slow down so I don't spill my diet Pepsi." Men see them and think, "if I had a motorcycle and was going about 60 mph I bet I could jump the car in front of me."

There's a news story stating that a First Baptist Church in New York has fired a female Sunday school teacher because the Bible prohibits women from leading over men in spiritual matters inside the church. Apparently the members of the church only just now discovered this. I've never been to a church that hires Sunday school teachers. I've never even heard of such a thing. All Sunday school teachers I've ever had were strictly volunteers. How do you get "fired" from a volunteer position for which you were never hired in the first place? And why are people going to a church that hasn't read the Bible for all those years? Is it just for the social interaction? Maybe it's the free donuts? Just thinking about this makes me hungry.

Just because your neighbor's house is for sale and they've moved out doesn't mean you can park your damned pickup truck in their driveway any time you want to. Or at least, that's what I used to think.
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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.

"Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?' "She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up.

"Patrick Henry, 1775."

"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"

Again, no response except from Pedro: "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."

The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!"

She heard a loud whisper: "Screw the Mexicans!"

"Who said that?" she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. "Jim Bowie, 1836."

At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke."

The teacher glared and asked, "All right! Now, who said that?"

Again, Pedro answered, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."

Now furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Suck this!"

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, "Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Now, with almost mob hysteria, a student said, "You little shit. If you say anything else, I'll kill you!"

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, "Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001."

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, "Oh shit, we're in BIG trouble now!"

Pedro whispered, "Saddam Hussein, 2003."

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro, and someone shouted "Duck"!

Teacher groggily asked, "Who said that?"

Pedro: "Dick Cheney 2006."
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Yeah Right - Part VI




Dear Friend,

As you read this, I don‘t want you to feel sorry for me, because, I believe everyone will die someday.

My name is John Ahmed a merchant in Dubai, in the U.A.E.I have been diagnosed with Esophagealcancer.It has defiled all forms of medical treatment,and right now I have only about a few months to live,according to medical experts.

I have not particularly lived my life so well, as I never really cared for anyone(not even myself)but my business. Though I am very rich, I was never generous,I was always hostile to people and only focused on my business as that was the only thing I cared for. But now I regret all this as I now know that there is more to life than just wanting to have or make all the money in the world.

I believe when God gives me a second chance to come to this world I would live my life a different way from how I have lived it. Now that God has called me, I have willed and given most of my property and assets to my immediate and extended family members as well as a few close friends.

I want God to be merciful to me and accept my soul so, I have decided to give also to charity organizations, as I want this to be one of the last good deeds I do on earth. So far, I have distributed money to some charity organizations in the U.A.E,Algeria and Malaysia. Now that my health has deteriorated so badly, I cannot do this myself anymore.

I once asked members of my family to close one of my accounts and distribute the money which I have there to charity organization in Bulgaria and Pakistan, they refused and kept the money to themselves.

Hence, I do not trust them anymore, as they seem not to be contended with what I have left for them.The last of my money which no one knows of is the huge cash deposit of eighteen million dollars $10,500,000 that I have with a finance/Security Company abroad. I will want you to help me collect this deposit and dispatched it to charity organizations.

I have set aside 10% for you and for your time.

God be with you.

john Ahmed

- ahmed john
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FYF - Today's News and Email - Guaranteed to offend everyone at least once

fuck you friday

Fuck You Friday

It's Fuck You Friday and today's big Fuck You is dedicated to my email inbox and all the headlines in the news that are just pissing me off.

FDA Gives In To Hillary's Plan, Morning-After Pill Now Non-Prescription

I could care less. All these people emailing me telling me I should be upset are just pissing me off. I don't care. Honestly, I really don't. Call your own fucking Congressman. Mine are gay.

Hillary Likely Candidate for President in 2008

Really? You just now figured that out? Bully for you and your fabulous think tank. Is there anyone else in the whole fucking world who did not know this? And just who are you planning to run, Buck Owens? I see no one standing in line. Where the fuck is Ross Perot? Maybe Jesse fucking Ventura will run for you? Pull your head out of your ass and stop emailing me with this shit!

Farmers Believe Cows Moo With An Accent

Mmm hmm, and many believe they've been anally probed by aliens from another planet, too. And that the sheep are winking at them. And that cow tipping is ... well, actually it is pretty fun. Anyway. clearly it was a slow day in the world if this is a headline. Clearly, oh so clearly.

Brother: Karr Didn't Kill JonBenet

So John Mark Karr's brother says he didn't kill JonBenet? That's great. I think most of us are inclined to agree, if only on the basis of this turd being such a total pussy that in all likelihood a 6-year-old girl could easily kick his ass. Obviously the guy is a nut without a candy-coated shell. But even so, there is some DNA lying around somewhere and if we can just get the results of that comparison maybe it'll help clear the air a bit? In the meantime, I expect the police and DA's office are both mighty anxious for someone, anyone, to beat the living shit out of over this horrific fiasco. So, since your brother has quite foolishly volunteered, I say let's Rodney King his ass.

Attacks On Homeless Up, Activists Say

Yeah, I call 'bullshit'. What you really mean is, donations are down and there is an election coming. "How many of us work for CNN? Yeah, let's interview ourselves and 'raise consciousness' about our need for attention and money. Buffy, where's your camera?"

Dinky Pluto Loses Its Status As Planet

Why the hell are they suddenly picking on poor Pluto? Leave the thing alone! You called it a planet and by God you're going to stick by your decision! Otherwise I'm going to knock baseballs through your living room windows and call it a meteor shower. Fuck you indecisive dweebs. Now all my old books are wrong. You fuckers can't even land a damned probe on Mars without crashing it like a drunk fat bitch in a Dodge Ram pickup who just dropped her cell phone at 70 mph. Yeah, you suck and fuck you.

U.S. Woman To Become First Female Space Tourist

What is with the perpetual fascination with "first female" this and "first black" that? Who was the first female to get her ass superglued to a public toilet, that's what I'd like to know? Who was the first black female lesbian to try crack and become the original "crack ho"? Who was the first white male to grovel like a weasel and say "yeah, all men are pigs" because he thought it would get him in the good graces of his misandric mother to be a pathetic kiss-ass? Is the fact that this woman is going to be a space tourist not good enough to warrant a headline and news story all by itself? Is it only of interest because she's a woman? Talk about demeaning and sexist motivations from a news editor. That's the same as saying that if she were a man this would be no accomplishment at all. But since she's not we'll hold here to a lower standard. How lovely. I'm sure everyone at the country club thinks this is very "progressive" and enlightened. As for me, I think it's very revealing in a much different way.

Bush: More French troops for Lebanon important

I'm sorry, what? Why? Is there a shortage of decent chefs over there? Do our fighting men need fashion advice? Did someone steal the Pink Panther diamond again? WTF?

Woman accused of going on pantry raid

I'm sorry. When I first read this I thought it say "panty raid." It was SO much more interesting that way, too.

Advocates Want More Plan B Pill Access

Yes, we are all quite aware. The fanaticism associated with the push for this pill is making everyone's ears bleed. The actual customer demand for it isn't especially high according to the pharmacists who already stock it, but to hear the "advocates" talk you'd think there was a desperate need. If abortions are so safe and wonderful then why is this pill so important? Sorry, no deep political argument here. I'm just stream-of-consciousness typing. As I said before, I don't give a shit. Hand them out for Halloween if you think it'll save the world's souls from the evils of babies. I just think the extreme shrillness of the fight over this is either unjustifiably high, or else someone politically connected has some big-assed money on the line.

Report: New Orleans Lacks Affordable Housing

Um, is that the biggest problem facing New Orleans right now? Seriously? Are you sure?

K9 Mistakenly Bites California Police Chief

Now THAT's funny!

Unable to unplug, tech addicts may sue: academic

That's interesting. If I get assigned a Blackberry by my job can I sue for my blogging addiction? Suddenly the song "I'm in the money" is bouncing around in my big, fat head.

And a very special great big FUCK YOU goes out to:


I've been trying to leave a simple, one sentence comment on Binsk's famous blog for the past 30 fucking minutes and it just won't let me! It's been like this all fucking day long. Good freakin' God, won't someone fix the damned thing?!
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Annual Stella Awards

Time once again to review the winners of the Annual "Stella Awards." The Stella Awards are named after 81 year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued McDonald's (in NM). That case inspired the Stella Awards for the most frivolous, ridiculous, successful lawsuits in the United States.

Here are this year's winners:

5th Place (tie): Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas, was awarded $80,000. by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The owners of the store were understandably surprised at the verdict, considering the misbehaving little toddler was Ms. Robertson's son.

5th Place (tie): 19-year-old Carl Truman of Los Angeles won $74,000. and medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. Mr. Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

5th Place (tie): Terrence Dickson of Bristol, Pennsylvania, was leaving a house he had just finished robbing by way of the garage. He was not able to get the garage door to go up since the automatic door opener was malfunctioning. He couldn't re-enter the house because the door connecting the house and garage locked when he pulled it shut. The family was on vacation, and Mr. Dickson found himself locked in the garage for eight days. He subsisted on a case of Pepsi he found, and a large bag of dry dog food. He sued the homeowner's insurance claiming the situation caused him undue mental anguish. The jury agreed to the tune of $500,000. In my opinion this is so outrageous that it should have been 2nd Place!

4th Place: Jerry Williams of Little Rock, Arkansas, was awarded $14,500. and medical expenses after being bitten on the buttocks by his next door neighbor's beagle. The beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. The award was less than sought because the jury felt the dog might have been just a little provoked at the time by Mr. Williams who had climbed over the fence into the yard and was shooting it repeatedly with a pellet gun.

3rd Place: A Philadelphia restaurant was ordered to pay Amber Carso! n of Lancaster, Pennsylvania, $113,500. after she slipped on a soft drink and broke her coccyx (tailbone). The beverage was on the floor because Ms.Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

2nd Place: Kara Walton of Claymont, Delaware, successfully sued the owner of a night club in a neighboring city when she fell from the bathroom window to the floor and knocked out her two front teeth. This occurred while Ms.Walton was trying to sneak through the window in the ladies room to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge. She was awarded $12,000. and dental expenses.

1st Place: This year's runaway winner was Mrs. Merv Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma. Mrs. Grazinski purchased a brand new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, (from an OU football game), having driven onto the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the drivers seat to go into the back & make herself a sandwich. Not surprisingly, the RV left the freeway, crashed and overturned. Mrs.Grazinski sued Winnebago for not advising her in the owner's manual that she couldn't actually do this. The jury awarded her $1,750,000. plus a new motor home. The company actually changed their manuals on the basis of this suit, just in case there were any other complete morons around.
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Quote from last month's vacation trip to Florida:

Memphis: "Why would you put sunscreen on a monkey?!"

Mrs. Memphis: "Because you have to sleep with it, that's why."
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Screw the PC Police - part II - Child Support

When someone puts in for Child Support, the proper thing to do is to find out who the father is and see why he is not providing support.

The following are all replies that Dallas women have written on Child Support Agency forms in the section for listing father's details. Or putting it another way... Who yo Daddy! These are genuine excerpts from the forms.

1. Regarding the identity of the father of my twins, child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of child B, but I believe that he was conceived on the same night.

2. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out of a window when taken unexpectedly from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this helps.

3. I do not know the name of the father of my little girl. She was conceived at a party at 3600 Grand Avenue where I had unprotected sex with a man I met that night. I do remember that the sex was so good that I fainted. If you do manage to track down the father, can you send me his phone number? Thanks.

4. I don't know the identity of the father of my daughter. He drives a BMW that now has a hole made by my stiletto in one of the door panels. Perhaps you can contact BMW service stations in this area and see if he's had it replaced.

5. I have never had sex with a man. I am still a Virginian. I am awaiting a letter from the Pope confirming that my son's conception was immaculate and that he is Christ risen again.

6. I cannot tell you the name of child A's dad as he informs me that to do so would blow his cover and that would have cataclysmic implications for the economy. I am torn between doing right by you and right by the country. Please advise.

7. I do not know who the father of my child was as all blacks look the same to me.

8. Peter Smith is the father of child A. If you do catch up with him, can you ask him what he did with my AC/DC CDs? Child B who was also borned at the same time.... well I don't have a clue.

9. From the dates it seems that my daughter was conceived at Disney World; maybe it really is the Magic Kingdom.

10. So much about that night is a blur. The only thing that I remember for sure is Delia Smith did a program about eggs earlier in the evening. If I'd have stayed in and watched more TV rather than going to the party at 146 Miller Drive, mine might have remained unfertilized.

11. I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby. After all when you eat a can of beans you can't be sure which one made you fart.
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White Trash Nightmare

white trash cup holder

Last December I wrote about my Brother-In-Law and his fat, white-trash wife. Some of you seemed to find the story interesting. You'll be pleased to know that there is an update.

My Brother-In-Law is in the navy. He has to spend 6 months out at sea from time-to-time. He used to be stationed up in New York. He was lonely in New York. He didn't like the New York girls. Later, he was moved to "rotten" Groton, Connecticut. He found the girls there to be even worse than in New York. The question you ask girls in Connecticut apparently isn't "are you single" but rather "are you straight"?

Feeling lonely and desperate, he turned to a coworker, who had a friend, who knew a girl down in South Georgia. My Brother-In-Law went and visited her. She was bleached blonde, fat, and very young. They dated for a short time and then he married her.

They barely knew each other.

At the wedding, I quickly noticed that almost all of her friends were either grossly overweight, or extremely made-up. As it turned out, most of them were beauticians. Think "Legally Blonde" and the women in the beauty parlor. That was basically her and her friends.

I was a groomsman, drafted to jump in at the last minute due to the preacher's Skank Whore Daughter throwing a tantrum and insisting that she be in the wedding of this girl she didn't know and also that her 3 illegitimate children (all by different random unknown fathers of different races whom she had never even dated, let alone married), also be in the wedding. The addition of the 400 lb Skank Whore Daughter made the number uneven and so they needed a groomsman to match up with SWD.

Throughout the wedding I was struck by how much like an episode of "Dukes of Hazzard" the whole place was. It was as if Lulu was marrying into the family, except without any of the money or pretty much anything else to offer that the Lulu of TV fame had on the show.

Nearly 2 years later, after Brother-In-Law had spent a great deal of time out at sea and My Wife had not seen him in all that time, after he had brought his new White Trash Wife, Lulu, up to Connecticut where she cried like a baby on the first day of kindergarten until he moved her back down to South Georgia, after he had bought her a nice, expensive house to live in all by herself with her momma so very close by, he was restationed to Seattle, Washington.

So it was that he was forced to put the house up for sale and move his pig, Lulu, and their dog pretty much all by himself, as Lulu couldn't be bothered with picking up one single thing and putting it into a box or suitcase or truck. Along the way they stopped in the hell that is Memphis to stay overnight with us for free. Brother-In-Law had already spent a fortune on moving and My Wife was VERY anxious to see him even if only for the night and following morning before he headed out again. When he arrived, as I wrote about before, Lulu was in full tantrum mode, determined to sabotage any possibility of My Wife and Her Brother getting to see each other and talk or even have a relaxing evening before hitting the road again the following morning.

Lulu had a truck and Brother-In-Law had a truck. It was necessary that they both be driven to the new home which Brother-In-Law had purchased at great expense for the two of them and their dog to live in. But Lulu, ever the lazy, fat, narcissistic child, refused to drive her own truck. She whined like a puppy needing to pee and insisted that someone else drive her truck while she sat on her fat ass with the dog and did what she always does, which is absolutely nothing. So Brother-In-Law's uncle, who was nearly killed in the World Trade Center attack, and lived in New York, had to drive Brother-In-Law's truck all the way from Connecticut to Washington state before returning all the way back to New York so he could go back to work. He had already helped Brother-In-Law moved from New York to Connecticut and then from Connecticut to Georgia. And now he was helping him move from Georgia to Washington while Lulu sat on her big, fat ass and whined and ate bon bons. Brother-In-Law was forced to drive that fat bitch's ugly truck from South Georgia to Washington State while she sat lump-like next to him eating candy and drinking cokes. Meanwhile, she denied her precious dog any food or even water for the entire trip.

So, while Brother-In-Law and Lulu the fat pig were at our house for the night, Lulu threw tantrums all night long, attempting to manipulate us into giving in to her self-indulgent will and allow her to bring the smelly dog inside our house and into our bed so Lulu could sleep with him. Lulu's idea of a dog is very much the same as the way a little child views their stuffed toys. She doesn't feed the dog or give him water and basically ignores him, but she loves how he wags his tail at her and so she hugs on him from her permanent seat on the couch and often sleeps with him. She believes that no matter whose house she's in she should be allowed to sleep in their beds with this large Labrador dog and hug on him all night long. Of course, she won't get up to let him out for him to pee and she won't give him any food or water. I had to give him something to drink when he arrived almost dead from dehydration.

Since we were not giving in to Lulu she simply increased her drama, having come from a part of the world where a bitch doing drama always wins and gets her way. She had never encountered a man who didn't cave in to this shit and so she didn't know what to do with me. The drama increased and increased until finally she and My Wife exchanged some words, and by 'some' I mean probably less than 5 each with no cursing and not much offensive being said. The gist of the exchange was "I'm going to be a bitch all night long until you give in" and My Wife replying "we're not going to put up with that in our home." This was enough for Lulu to declare that our home was simply unfit for them to stay in and demand that Brother-In-Law pay for them to go stay in a fine hotel that allows dogs to sleep in the beds. So off they went.

I already wrote about that before, as I said. But now there is new drama.

fat girl

After moving to Washington and putting Lulu's fat ass back in her permanent seat on the couch in a new expensive home, Brother-In-Law was sent off to sea again. He left Lulu to take care of the bills, instructing her to use the money from the sale of their Georgia home to pay off his loan on his truck (which Lulu had wrecked as soon as they got to Washington) and his loan on his motorcycle. Then she was to use his paychecks to pay the bills on the new home. Lulu agreed and promised that she would do this.

But what Lulu did instead was quite different and rather interesting. Lulu did not pay off his truck and she did not pay off his motorcycle. She did consolidate those loans into one unpaid bill though. Then she took the money from the sale of the house and spent it. As of this writing, no one knows for sure what she spent it on, but we have a good idea. She also ran up $38,000 in credit card debt, and all from her seat on the couch. There is nothing in or around the house which appears to have been purchased with this money and so the big mystery is what the hell did Lulu do with all of this money?

When Brother-In-Law came home from his tour at sea, Lulu was bitchy and agitated and demanding that they go to counseling because things weren't working. Brother-In-Law was mystified, but agreed to go. During the counseling session Lulu informed him for the very first time, with the counselor present most likely as a witness in case he blew his top at her and did something that she could use against him in court to take the rest of his money, that she had not paid any of his bills and had in fact robbed him blind, ran up $38,000 in additional credit card debt, and ruined his credit rating.

The ruined credit rating and high debt, by the way, jeopardizes his career in the navy.

Brother-In-Law was shocked and apparently did not react as Lulu had hoped. So they went home. After thinking it over, though, Brother-In-Law apparently did finally grow a pair and told Lulu exactly what he thought of her and what she had done.

Well, Lulu is not accustomed to being spoken to harshly, don't you know? So when Brother-In-Law had to go to work, a long shift lasting 24 hours, Lulu called her momma and had her fly up, pack Lulu's shit, and drive all the way back to Georgia.

Yes, Lulu suddenly found the strength to drive her own damned truck all the way from Washington to Georgia without someone else doing it for her, assuming her fat momma didn't do all the work. And all because a man had finally stood up and told Lulu what he thought about the outrageous, destructive, and selfish things that she had done. Horrors!

Lulu will make a fine feminist one day.

Brother-In-Law returned home to find his prized pig gone home to Georgia. So he called and they had some telephone conversations, something which Lulu is quite good at as this is all she does all day and all night long. Somehow it came out that Lulu's mom had spent a considerable amount of money fixing up her home in deep south Georgia over the past few months. This was very interesting to Brother-In-Law, as he had observed while at this home that no one had made the slightest effort to fix, fix up, or even clean anything in that house for a great many years. It was in dire need of repairs. But now quite suddenly, and oddly coinciding with the disappearance of a considerable amount of his money, they had found a way to hire people to come and redo their entire home from top to bottom.

Brother-In-Law, now financially wrecked, was forced to sell his house in Washington and move into a very small place while he tried to begin the long and painstaking process of repairing his credit and paying off these enormous debts that Lulu helped to create.

Lulu, in the meantime, has announced that she is pregnant.

Can you say "child support"? I knew you could.
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Topsy Turvey

Talia Gilbert
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big head

I'm really, really tired today. I don't feel well. It's weird blogging without Stacy PQ coming by. She's been there for so long. Now that she's not able to view my blog from work anymore I hardly know what to do. Funny how that works.

Nothing happened in traffic this morning. Same as yesterday morning. Same as all the other mornings, for the most part. I see the crossing guard lady walking home and talking on her cell phone, with her long blonde hair blowing in the wind. I saw a dead cat in the road with a flat head. I'm pretty sure no vet could help him. My new clutch has never been right. It screams sometimes no matter what I do. But it is such a pain in the ass to take the truck back to be worked on again that I haven't done it. Meanwhile, I need to have the air-conditioner reinstalled on my old car. You can't live in the South without air.

We've been spending all our free time looking at houses. We've found a house we really like except for the garage and exterior. It's wood instead of brick and we really want brick. The garage is on the side and the driveway comes up at an angle so that getting your car into the garage is a major ordeal. We have to make a decision soon before someone else buys it. But we just don't know. It's about 3000 square feet inside, which is what we need. The backyard is OK. There's room to build an external garage and shop, which we will if we buy the house. Then the Chevelle and Monte Carlo and motorcycles and my weights can all go in there along with mass quantities of old car parts that currently litter my garage and attic.

I can't tell who is reading my blog anymore. It seems like almost everyone is gone. For whatever reason, this makes it harder to write. I don't feel like it as much. Instead of feeling like I'm talking to a bunch of people I feel like it's just me again. It's weird.

I think I'm in a funk. Or maybe a funk is in me? Won't you take me to Funkytown?

Anyway, I got tired of hitting the pause button on the music video thing for my own page. I set up a poll to see if anyone else felt that way, but I set the poll so that you could vote as often as you wanted. I get the impression that one person voted over and over, so it didn't tell me much. Anyway, I commented out the video thing. Now I don't have to hit pause anymore. The other polls have pretty much not been voted in at all.

As for the poll, it has been disappearing and then reappearing all day today. I don't know what's up with that. Maybe it's haunted?

I've been working on a conversion of an application that a guy wrote before leaving for a new job. No one knows anything about how it works so I'm on my own. Someone mentioned that I should change the language that it's written in since I don't know much about that language. Yeah, but me not knowing the language it is currently written in doesn't make it any easier for me to convert it to a language I do know. By the time I finish this I'll know both languages more than I wanted to. Yeah, and in between, I'm reading issues of "ASP.NET Magazine." Does this sound exciting to you? Do you know how exciting a programming magazine is? Watched any paint dry lately? I'll just say this, it ain't Playboy.

I don't really know what to say today. I'm just SO tired.
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Live and Shelby Lynne - Run Away

Live (feat. Shelby Lynne) Run Away Video

I had been looking all over for this.
There aren't many songs that I can listen to over and over, all day long, but this is one of them.
I had never seen the video before.
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WOSM - John Mark Karr

It's Waste of Space Monday. I haven't checked, but I highly suspect that everyone else is probably doing the same person that I am. I don't care. I've been reading about this case since before they caught this guy and I'm using him no matter what. And what a weird, freaky, gay little man he is, too.

Waste of Space - John Mark Karr

Jon Benet Ramsey was found to be missing from her home at 5:30 in the morning by her mother, Patsy Ramsey. The Ramsey family was scheduled to fly out of Colorado that morning and were getting up early. Patsy, after finding her daughter not in her bed, ran down the stairs to look for her. Downstairs she found a ransom note, claiming a foreign faction had kidnapped Jon Benet and wanted $118,000 for her return. Patsy and her husband, John, called the police. For hours the police and several others ran around the house, wreaking havoc on the crime scene, but finding no trace of Jon Benet.

At some point, John Ramsey and a friend decided to search the house from top to bottom. Actually, they searched bottom to top, beginning in the dark basement. In the basement was a pitch black room the Ramseys used as a wine cellar. It was almost impossible to see in the room and in the initial search of the house no one had thought to bring a light. John and his companion had a light, though. And so it was that Jon Benet's own father found her body, with her wrists tied over her head and a garrot tied around her throat.

The case was explosive and highly controversial. Many people suspected the Ramseys themselves of having committed the crime. For 10 years it has been unsolved. But now a man named John Mark Karr has indicated that he killed Jon Benet as he was attempting to kidnap her.

John Mark's story is odd because Jon Benet was raped, then strangled, and then her head was bashed with enough force to have killed her had she not already been strangled. Her death does not seem to match up with John Mark's claim that her death was any sort of accident.

As for how anyone could have gotten inside the Ramsey's house, John Ramsey himself had broken in a month previous to the murder through a basement window when he accidently locked himself out. He had not replaced the broken window and so it was still wide open on the night of Jon Benet's death. Whether the killer used this broken window hasn't been indicated in news stories yet, but it is a high probability.

Some years prior to the murder of Jon Benet, John and Patsy's oldest daughter was killed in a car accident. Shortly after, Patsy, a former Miss America contestant, was diagnosed with ovarian cancer and given a virtual death-sentence. She miraculously managed to survive it and appeared to have beaten it completely. Following the death of her oldest daughter and her own near-death, Patsy's youngest daughter Jon Benet was murdered. For 10 years people have accused the Ramseys themselves of the crime. Recently, John Mark Karr began writing letters to Patsy Ramsey, identifying himself as the killer. Prior to his capture and arrest, Patsy died of ovarian cancer.

John Mark Karr is a weird little gay man, found in Bangkok where he was getting treatments to remove all his facial hair in preparation for a sex-change operation. He has spent his career around very small children, both as a teacher and apparently, as a nanny of sorts. His ex-wife says there is no way he could have killed Jon Benet because he was with her in Alabama on the day of her death. She also says he had a fascination with the cases of both Jon Benet Ramsey and Polly Klaas.

Whether John Mark Karr is guilty or not I don't know. But he says he is and he tormented Patsy Ramsey with the claim that he is up until the day she died. Because of the manner in which Jon Benet was killed I consider this man to be a waste of space. If he wants to be identified as a man who rapes and murders a six-year-old child and then torments a woman who has lost both of her daughters and is on the verge of dying herself then let him pay the price.
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WTF?! - Braveheart

You just have to see this. I can't explain it. Check it out.

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Birthing Lizard

From an email:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, dad, can you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

"What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"Oh, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um.... um.... masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back." He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Moral of the story - finish biology class - lizards lay eggs!
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I'm Spiderman?

I just flat out stole this from Binsk. Yeah, you'd think I'd leave her alone after harassing her with the Johnny Depp and Che thing, but no, I haven't. I like the girl.

Your results:
You are Spider-Man

You are intelligent, witty,
a bit geeky and have great
power and responsibility.

Click here to take the "Which Superhero Are You"
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sweaty army man

It's 97 degrees outside and heading higher.

I went running.

At noon.

When it was a cool and breezy 95.

With no shade.

Yeah baby. Hard core!

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Evidence for Evolution?

Survival of the fittest - Built in airbags!
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Separated At Birth - Che, Johnny, and Binsk


Che, Johnny, and Binsk

Separated at Birth?

You Decide!
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Separated At Birth - Che and Fozzie Bear


Che and Fozzie Bear

Separated at Birth?

You Decide!
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Separated At Birth - Che and Rosemary Clooney

Che and Rosemary Clooney

Separated At Birth?

You decide!
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Separated at Birth - Che and Johnny Depp

checaptain jack
Che and Captain Jack Sparrow

Separated at Birth?

You Decide!
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Separated at Birth - Che and Tommy Lee Jones

classic CheTommy Lee Jones 010
Che and Tommy Lee Jones

Separated at Birth?

You Decide!

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Separated At Birth - Che and Clark Gable

classic che photo facing to his rightclark gable facing to his right

che cigargable
Che and Clark Gable

Separated at Birth?

You Decide!
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Separated At Birth? - Che and George Clooney

che smilesclooney smiles

che scowlclooney scowl
Che and George Clooney

Separated At Birth?

You decide!

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Bad Poetry - So Bad It's Painful

rudolph and doggie

(Special Note: these horrific bits of poetic mauling were all written early one morning while I was still working for the Big Alabama Bank and very unhappy about it. And the coffee was lousy, too.)

Potato Chip
I'm sitting on the edge of insanity
a potato chip away from falling into darkness
the clovers in my mind are frostbitten and faded
footprints on the carpet stain the corners of my conciousness
I can't sit here any longer
I can't keep doing the same damned thing day after day
I can't find the sun
The clouds have taken over
It's dark here and it's cold
I'm fading and I'm old
So I have to take me away
I have to go
I have got to go
When will I be free?

I'm sinking down
like a ship in the bathtub
taking on soapy water
down to the drain I go
Ivory iceburg cuts me to the core
It's cold as hell out there
Got to get out
I'm shriveling like a corpse

There's cobwebs in the corner
thought I'd taken care of that
my head has grown too large it seems
now I can't even wear my hat
Got to get a smaller head

Train of thought
missed my stop
forgot my station
hang my head
ashamed of my nation

traitors, traitors, one and all
sell your soul
to the first bad idea you hear
you'll never find
a better place than you destroyed with all your fear

can't keep my faith
can't keep my head up off the floor
can't ever seem to erase
the image of you walking out that door
so many years ago

no light, no love, no hope, no home
take me away
got to get me away
find another place to stay

Gotta get away


No One
Only one set of footprints in the sand
no one there to hold my hand
no one waiting to carry me
I was never meant to be

Hold on, hold on,
one day you'll see
It is only
you and me

I was never meant to be

Cars flashing in the rain
waves keep moving
in this darkness wash away the pain
I can't hear you

I'm not listening
skeleton baby

I farted
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Separated At Birth? - Che and Earl

Che GuevaraEarl

Che Guevara and Earl Hickey

Twins Separated At Birth?

You decide!
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Right or Left Brain - stolen quiz

I shamelessly stole this test from Binsk. You all know Binsk, right? She's the world famous Canadian hotty and the reason I am a MapleLeafs' fan. I love Binsk.

Brain Lateralization Test Results
Right Brain (34%) The right hemisphere is the visual, figurative, artistic, and intuitive side of the brain.
Left Brain (58%) The left hemisphere is the logical, articulate, assertive, and practical side of the brain
Are You Right or Left Brained?
personality tests by similarminds.com

Binsk blogged about having a dog. I didn't know she had a dog. I once wrote something short and nasty about a woman I know who sleeps with her dog and is lonely. I was talking about my mother-in-law. I was kind of mean about it. I just want to make it clear that I wasn't talking about anyone on the blog who has a dog.

I need to pee.

Do you think this quiz is right?

Raymi writes some funny shit, but her photos are even better. Especially her topless photos.
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Tag-a-lag-a-ding-dong : Books

girl reading comics

I was tagged by the lovely Florida Gator Robin to do this, and since I like her so much, I have decided to attempt it:

1. One book that changed your life: The Bible (is this cheating?)

2. One book that you’ve read more than once: The Hobbit

3. One book you’d want on a desert island: How To Build A Wooden Boat

4. One book that made you laugh: Walter the Farting Dog

5. One book that made you cry: Curious George Goes To The Hospital

6. One book that you wish had been written: How To Wipe Out A Hate Movement And Not Go To Jail

7. One book that you wish had never been written: Toward A Feminist Theory Of The State

8. The book you are currently reading: The Cases That Haunt Us

9. One book you’ve been meaning to read: Off With Their Heads: Traitors, Crooks and Obstructionists In American Politics, Media and Business

10. Now tag five people: I tag Stacy the Peanut Queen because she loves to read, Lizzie Daisy because she writes great quizzes, Lightning Bug's Butt because I wonder what motivates that brain, JD's Rose because I want to know what they're reading down under, and Killjoy because she called me "old timer" and it made me cry.
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FYF - Kofi Annan

I can't remember if I discovered this on Tequila Girl's blog or not, but either way I've decided to join the fun.


It's Fuck You Friday and in honor of that I have chosen a very special focus for my "Fuck You", Mr. Kofi Annan.

Kofi Annan

Kofi is a would-be banana republic dictator who hopes to rule the world via the billionaire-supported, Hollywood-ass-kissing, Karl Marx/Chairman Mao-worshipping, entirely-dependent-upon-the-U.S.-taxpayer, United fucking Nations.

Kofi couldn't lead a small band of ants out of a paper bag, let alone lead the nations of the world. But by God, the press loves him and that's really all that matters. So what if he takes bribes to look the other way from terrorists and mass murdering dictators? He looks like the characters that Hollywood always uses to portray heroic judges on lame-ass television shows and this is reason enough for weak-minded fuckwits in the press to love, admire, and most of, all trust him.

Fuck You, Kofi. You are a crook and a pinhead and your eyes don't point in the same direction. Also, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.

Happy FY Friday!
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Screw the PC Police - Muslim jokes


Two Arab mothers are sitting in the cafe strip chatting over a pint of goat's milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out and starts flipping through photos, and they start reminiscing. "This is my oldest son Mohammed. He's 24 years old now"

"Yes, I remember him as a baby" says the other mother cheerfully.

"He's a martyr now though" mum confides.

"Oh, so sad dear" says the other.

"And this is my second son Kalid. He's 21"

"Oh, I remember him," says the other happily, "he had such curly hair when he was born".

"He's a martyr, too" says mum quietly.

"Oh gracious me ...." says the other.

"And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He's 18 ", she whispers.

"Yes" says the friend enthusiastically, "I remember when he first started school".

"He's a martyr also," says mum, with tears in her eyes.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...

"They blow up so fast, don't they?"


The following was told to me by a Moslem guy from Jordan back in 1997:

Q: How do you know if it's safe to fly on a plane?

A: You walk to the back, turn around and shout, "Hey, Mohammed!" If no one turns around then it's safe.
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(¯`'•.¸(¯`'•.¸A Lizzie Quizzie!¸.•'´¯)¸.•'´¯)

Yes, it's here! Another Lizzie Quizzie!

1. Make up a man-law, or list a favorite one from one of the commercials.
Under no circumstances is it ever OK to touch another man's pee pee. Unless you're a surgeon and you're reattaching it after some sort of accident or attack. That is the only exception.

2. Who was your favorite teacher ever?
I believe her name was Mrs Cartran. She taught Trig/Advanced math. I don't know why she should be my favorite. But she comes to mind. I was a senior. Maybe I thought I could do her if I tried? I don't know why. Mrs Lull was high on the list. She was only 24 and definitely doable. Ah, I have it! Miss Nixon, who was the reigning Miss Alabama and our student teacher for a few months. She kick-started all the boys' hormones. We were about 10 years old, I think, and she was built like a brick shithouse with blonde hair! Woo hoo!

3. Is there anyone in your life you "spoil rotten?"
Just My Wife.

4. What time do you normally eat dinner? Who cooks?
6 p.m. Central time, after she finishes de-stressing to pathetic reruns of "Murder She Wrote". Seriously, who watches this show? She usually cooks, although it's not guaranteed.

5. Baths or showers?
Showers 90 percent of the time.

6. How many surgeries have you had in your life?
Um .... Knee .. knee ... sinus ... wisdom teeth ... managed to avoid shoulder surgery ... so 4.

7. When was the last time you had a check up?
2 years maybe? It wasn't a general check up. I was sick or hurt or something.

8. About how much time do you spend on the internet every day?
Enough to be classified as a problem, maybe even an addiction.

9. On a scale from 1-10, how content are you?
5, and again I hedge my bets because you could be tilting the scale toward either end. I'm somewhere between orgasmically happy and suicidal.

10. Nothing is certain but ______ and ______.
cash and hookers
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national underwear day model

I can't believe there is actually a National Underwear Day! I am SO stoked!!!

Doesn't she look sort of like a souped up Dr. Cuddy from "House"?
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