Tag - Smack you on the ass!

Bella tagged me. She tied me to the bed and tagged me all night long. Yeah baby, yeah!



Fact 1 - I once had an orgasm so hard that I shot the ceiling. Needless to say, it was a long time ago.

Fact 2 - When I was a teenager the only beer I could get my hands on tasted like piss, so I learned to funnel just to make it easier to get drunk without having to taste the nasty cheap beer.

Fact 3 - Being a master of funneling beer came in handy when pledging a fraternity in college. Who knew it would turn out to be such an important skill?

Fact 4 - My dad used to show me The Playboy Channel on TV because he said he wanted me to be comfortable around sexy beautiful women and not be nervous. I suppose the idea of simply taking me somewhere that sexy beautiful women hung out and letting me talk to them in person never crossed his mind. Dad was always heavily into the theoretical and not so much into the practical application side of things.

Fact 5 - When I was a kid I used to ride nearby motocross trails on my bicycle. When I was older I got a motorcycle and rode those same trails. I had much worse wrecks on my bicycle than I ever did on my motorcycle. But out on the street, it's been just the opposite. Apparently asphalt hurts more and more the faster you go.

Fact 6 - I once punted a guy's face while in a fight after he tried to kick me in the balls. You'd think that you'd already be as mad as you could possibly get if you're in the middle of a fight, but apparently that isn't necessarily so. Sexual assault has a way of finding a whole new level of anger in a person. His face gushed blood like a fucking slasher movie and I was glad. He also instantly lost all interest in continuing with the fight. Sometimes two big old handfuls of your own blood will change your perspective. Hmm, I wonder if I could make that into a snappy slogan and put it on a T-shirt?

Fact 7 - My father was as cheap a man as ever lived. He wouldn't take one of his kids to the hospital for anything, especially if it was me. Consquently, I had a number of hospital-worthy injuries treated with some weird attempts at first aid. Vaseline, duct tape, and Vodka were my dad's solution to almost everything. Did I mention I have mad skills with a funnel?

I suppose now I'm supposed to tag people? OK, let's see who I can torment with this.

I tag:

Spiky Zora Jones - because she's mad at me and won't even talk to me now, let alone accept this tag. But I like her anyway because I'm a fucking doormat.

Steph of Australia - because I heard a rumor that she's pregnant. I mean, I heard a rumor that she's back on The Blog again and I'm hoping to guilt her into making the rumor come true.

Kylie of Elegantly Wasted (aka Bad Kylie) - because she's never even visited my blog, let alone accepted a tag from me. Also, I've been living on her couch playing XBox while she hid in the bathroom for the past week or so and this is my way of saying 'thanks'.

Stacy the Peanut Queen - because she's my bestie bloggie buddy and I know she's done this one as many times as I have, so it should be as hard for her at this point as it was for me.

Fingers - because he'll never accept the tag, but if he does, God only knows what he'll come up with.

Unique Stephen - because he's had an exciting and interesting life and I'm sure he could come up with 100 times as many interesting things as this tag requires.

Kylie (aka Good Kylie) - because she's always being confused with bad Kylie and has been a really good sport about it. And also she visits my blog and might actually do this tag.

And now for something much more entertaining than my life ...

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Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving, all you poo flinging monkeys!

And to all you dern foreign heathens who don't celebrate Thanksgiving - party at Kylie's. See you there.

Bring alcohol.

Clothing optional

Here's a video about a traditional Thanksgiving to show all you non-Americans what you're missing ...

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Political Pooparazzi and Assorted Nuts

NY Elementary School is Renamed for Obama

In New York, the city where almost every single racist epithet ever spoken was originated, they have renamed an elementary school after not-yet-President Barack Obama. I am right in saying he's not yet President yet, right? Have I only imagined that he doesn't become the actual President, and thus hasn't actually done anything yet, until next year? New York City is also the city where all-male schools were declared discriminatory and unconstitutional, but all-female 'leadership' schools were quickly established and declared 'progressive' even as the Citadel and VMI were being set on fire by 'activists'.

Some say terrorists. The New York Times says activists.

Obese Canadians Have 'Right' to Two Airline Seats

The ever wacky and zany Canadian Supreme Court has ruled that big fat Canadians have a 'right' to two seats on an airline. Note: that's not simply a legal requirement that airlines can't charge for two seats. It's a 'right', with all that goes with that. So it's like free speech, freedom of religion, the right to bare arms, the right to self-defense, and now the right to be a lard-ass and hog more than your fair share.

Anyone else think perhaps Canada takes the whole concept of 'rights' a bit lightly?

In Canada's defense, have any of you ever flown on a plane where the seats were only slightly wider than a teenaged girl's ass and there was absolutely no possible way a grown man could keep from bashing his shoulders against the people sitting on either side of him? I know I have. I felt like I was being stuffed into a racing seat for a Formula 1 run again crazy Danica Patrick, lightweight boxing champion of professional racing.

Obama's Job Application Includes Questions on Gun Ownership

President-elect Barack Obama has already made waves by adding a question for all job applicants in his administration not only demanding to know anything and everything about any and every gun legally owned by the applicant or anyone associated with the applicant, but also implying that we have a Nazi-inspired national gun registry, which we do not for Constitutional reasons.

Something tells me the NRA is about to experience a huge membership surge.

Evidently, Gays Do Blame Blacks for Failure of Prop. 8

Someone somewhere around here, it may even have been me, commented that radical gay activists weren't brave enough to attack the black people who voted against gay marriage by 80 percent and were thus only attacking white Christian heterosexuals because they are such easy targets. It turns out that not only was this not true, it was so extremely wrong that gay activists have even been attacking other gay activists who are guilty of nothing more than opposing Proposition 8 while being black. Seriously, if ever there was a way to shoot yourself in the foot, this is it.

[Seemingly unnecessary explanation: It's the irony. The irony of the situation is amazing, regardless of where you stand on the issue.]

Clinton Is Said to Accept Secretary of State Position

Obama has for unfathomable reasons chosen Hillary Clinton as his Secretary of State. Former Clinton advisers (Bill Morris) have indicated that this will be a huge mistake on Obama's part because Hillary is a one-woman show and will undermine him at every opportunity for her own benefit. I'm sure this is probably true, but I think there's a much bigger issue here. The bigger issue is that last time the Clintons were in the White House a man named Vincent Foster died in there from a mysterious gunshot to the head and nothing was ever solved. This time, if 2 men die from mysterious gunshots to the head, namely Obama and Joe Biden, Secretary of State Hillary becomes President.

Oh fuuuuuuck!

I'll bet the Secret Service are absolutely shitting over the thought of not only having to deal with her hair trigger temper, flying lamps and flying fists again, but also being tasked with trying to protect the President and Vice President from being killed by her.

Man with Gun Under Pillow Forfeits Licence in Germany

German police
"I caught him running with scissors so I beat him with my nightstick"

In Berlin, a man lost his license to own a gun because he slept with it under his pillow and the all-knowing courts have decided that he shouldn't do that. Also, they fined him for not brushing his teeth and washing behind his ears, and not going to bed by 9. They've threatened to take away his television privileges next if he doesn't straighten up. Ah, socialism!

Upset Over Pet, Man Stabs Bureaucrat, Wife in Japan

My pooky died - you bastards!

In Japan, where men enjoy wearing dresses and having sex with rubber dolls designed to look like their favorite anime characters, a man went on a stabbing rampage and killed the minister of health and welfare, as well as the minister's wife. The stabber said he did it because his pet died in a public welfare center. In a search of the stabber's car, police reported finding a large collection of "assault knives." Japan does not allow private ownership of firearms, but has been experiencing a steady increase in stabbing rampages over the past few years. Offers to send Ted Kennedy and Sarah Brady to Japan to help with their crisis have not met with much enthusiasm.

Bra for Men an Online Bestseller in Japan

Me ruv you rong time!

As if to make jokes about Japan almost compulsory, a retailer there has been selling bras and panties for men, and reports that sales are quite good. Apparently cross-dressing is very popular in Japan, as are sexy female cartoon characters who kick male cartoon characters in the groin a lot. Psychologists think the two may be related.

Australia Outback Mayor Wins Annual Sexiest Award

Mayor Malony

And finally, in Australia, where men are men and women are hawt, the mayor of a small mining town has won the annual "Sexiest Award" from an odd female-only subgroup of the Australian parliament in Sydney. The no-men-allowed subgroup of parliament said that they love a man with the balls to stand up and say what men want and not be ashamed. Mayor Malony had placed an ad for lovelorn female "ugly ducklings", inviting them to move to his town where they'd find "five blokes to every girl." The all-female parliamentary organization has been frequently accused of being a misandric sexist hate-group, and apparently decided to prove their womanhood by reaching out to Mayor Malony with this award.




And now for an old song ...

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Body Statistics

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.

One human hair can support 3 kg (6 lb).

The average man's penis is three times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as their brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women reading this will be finished now.

Men reading this are still checking their thumbs.

And now for something totally twisted ...

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6 Brazilian men

A Blonde is watching the news with her husband when the newscaster says '6 Brazilian men die in a skydiving accident.'

The blonde starts crying to her husband, sobbing "That's horrible."

Confused, he says, "Yes dear, it is sad, but they were skydiving and there is that risk involved."

After a few minutes, the blonde, still sobbing, says, "How many is a Brazilian?"

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I'll Get Right On That

President-Elect Barack Obama, ACORN official, U.S. Senator for all of 4 years, and Chicago area native, has chosen a new Presidential limo that he feels will help him maintain an air of authenticity with his most ardent supporters.

New presidential limo

And by 'most ardent supporters' I mean, of course, the rich liberal white women who voted for him without having the slightest idea what his policies are, who ACORN is, who Mayor Daley was, and just believe with all their hearts that Obama seems like a really great guy.

In other news, it has taken less than 2 weeks for the California Supreme Court to announce that they are going to 'review' the will of The People after the last election didn't go the way they think it should. In other words, the people of California voted not to redefine marriage. But the elitists in the legal profession feel that they know better, so they're going to negate all of that, violating the law in the process, and just force the new definition of marriage onto the citizens by judicial fiat.

In other words, your vote doesn't mean shit.

Just to sound my own horn, pat myself on the back, brag that I'm smarter than all of you and thus deserving to be a State Supreme Court justice or United States Senator like Al Franken, I want to remind everyone that this is what I said was going to happen right here on this blog the very night the votes in California were counted. I know some bloggers were upset about it. I tried to reassure them that in our modern 'progressive' nation the votes don't matter. It will be mandated from on high. And the fact is, California doesn't matter, because it is going to be mandated from Washington, D.C. for the entire nation within the next 4 years. Write it down. Make a little note with my name next to it that I predicted it. You can count on it. Fuck democracy. We have people in this country with billions of dollars who are convinced that they know what's best for us all and by God, no damn voters are going to stand in the way of their socialist dream.

Cali's Supremes

Michael Moore is on CNN's Larry King Live telling us all how the American Auto Industry needs to stop building the cars people are buying and start building the cars he thinks they should build. Michael, it's worth pointing out, has never run anything in his life. He just makes propaganda films. But he's a genius in his own mind, so I'm sure the auto industry will get right on that now that he's revealed the secret to their salvation.

The best part of the whole interview, aside from his stuttering and basic lack of any previous thoughts concerning the things he's talking about, is the fact that he hasn't shaved, bathed, or exercised in months, leaving him looking like a shaggy, fat old bear from an old Hannah Barbera cartoon. If he lets that beard grow a little longer he could be ready to play Santa Claus by Christmas time.

Ho ho ho! Somebody get me a donut!


The United States Senate has just decided not to bail out the American auto industry. For Democrats, this is a great opportunity to blame Republicans for something while using the major unemployment resulting from this disaster to implement socialist policies giving greater control and power to the Federal Government. To Republicans, this is the fault of the Labor Unions that support the Democrats unequivocally, along with years of Democratic-mandated fuel economy standards and concessions to Big Labor that really hurt the American auto industry at its peak. To Libertarians, if the American auto industry and Big Labor are as sick as they appear to be, perhaps letting them both drown together would be for the best.

What's most interesting to me, as I flip channels and move from CNN to Fox News, is how the Republicans over on Fox are talking as if Obama and the Democrats who now control everything are just like them and will surely listen to reason, i.e. their arguments, and do what is right. This whole conversation they're having here is reminding me of how John McCain just bent right on over and gave the speech of his life as he showed the world what a fabulous loser he can be. That pretty much sums up the Republican Party today to me - a great bunch of losers. Nobody loses better. So awesome.

Just to keep with the flow here of blogging about what is on my TV, they're now talking to a Republican Party strategist. She's a girl of about 20 and very cute. I'd do her. But hire her as a strategist? I don't think so. On the Left, representing a womyn's group, is a much older woman. She's not attractive and I wouldn't do her, which is about par for the course with most Leftist womyn's groups, but she's got more experience clearly. She avoids answering direct questions like a real pro. She's rah rahing for Obama like Sarah Palin with Katie Couric and dodging the real questions almost as if she were planning to run for the Senate herself someday.

Rah Rah Barack!

I'm flipping channels mostly because on every channel there is some Hollywood celebrity worshipping Saint Obama on one talk show or another and singing his praises with choirs and silky white robes. It's the largest religious revival this country has ever seen and what is most remarkable about it is the fact that most of the most religious celebrants in all of this are the atheists and the agnostics among them who love nothing more than to make fun of the Christians for behaving in exactly the same way.

Even more remarkable, as pointed out by an Obama supporter named Tigger, is that all of this is occurring along with a large amount of Obama-bashing, and yet the man hasn't even taken office yet.

"This is your wallet. I shall take of it and eat."

Oooh LOOK - who saw this coming? I mean, besides ME.

I only wrote this post because I wanted to blog the Obama limo picture. Someone emailed it to me and it made me laugh. But as long as we've come this far with my blathering, let me leave you with this ...

Seriously, who doesn't love Obama girl?
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Loonies On the Path - XLIII - Cunt


What is it with passive/aggressive drivers that they can't stand to allow any other car on the road to reach its destination without them doing all they can to stand in its way? Why do so many people in traffic have so little interest in reaching their own destination that they feel the need to spend all their time looking in their rearview mirror, fucking with the cars behind them, even to the point of preventing themselves from getting anywhere? They seem perfectly happy to make no progress in their own trip just so long as they prevent everyone else from getting anywhere. What a bunch of cunts.

Today I found myself in the left turning lane at an intersection where the light was green. I was the 2nd car in line waiting to go behind a silver Volvo.

Anyone who has ever studied any psychology, especially as to the choices people make in the types of cars they drive and the color of car they prefer, can tell that you a silver Volvo in the Southeastern United States is a pretty good sign that the driver is an overly uptight, self-righteous, pretentious little cunt. And this particular silver Volvo proved to be the rule rather than the exception.

We sat at this light for a good 10 minutes. It was clear to go, but he merely rolled forward an inch or two and made no effort to cross the intersection.

I say 'him' because the driver had a short silvery-gray haircut, meaning it was either a bitter little man or else it was an angry old dyke. Either way, the person driving wants to be perceived as masculine by virtue of their short, masculine haircut. How we present ourselves in our personal appearance tells a great deal more than we sometimes realize.

At first I gave him the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps he was just a really lousy driver and was afraid to cross even though it was so very clear? But then I noticed that he rolled forward just to the point of being barely over the line, indicating that he clearly intended to go at some point prior to the light changing.

It was after the third gigantic clearing in which he did not cross that I felt I knew for sure what this cunt was planning to do. But I was baffled as to why he would do such a selfish prick of a thing.

This cunt was planning to wait until the light was changing, just as there was hardly any time for any of the rest of us to cross, and then go for it, preventing anyone other than himself from making it through the light. And there was absolutely not one fucking excuse for him doing this. I had pulled into this lane behind him without having spent one single second driving in traffic with him. We had not had any exchange or confrontation of any kind. There was no chance that he had thought I was tailgating him, or driving faster than he approved of, or doing ANYTHING AT ALL for him to be unhappy about. I had simply pulled in behind him and waited patiently for the stupid pretentious little cunt of a man to cross the intersection in his faggy silver Volvo.

So I waited for him to make his move, determined that I was not going to allow the old nutsack to fuck me. Sure enough, as the light was changing, he slowly rolled forward and then started to go just when he thought for sure no one else would make it across.

I went with him, like it or not.

He did not.

He locked up his brakes. He locked up his brakes for absolutely not one single reason in front of all those witnesses, intentionally trying to cause a collision simply to prevent ANYONE from getting through that intersection come hell or high water, because BY GOD he wanted to be an asshole and I was fucking up his plan by making it through the light with him.

I knew he was going to do that. Passive/Aggressive little cunts always do the same stupid tricks. They're as predictable as Paris Hilton contracting herpes, as Barack Obama promising tax cuts that turn out to be the largest tax increases in our nation's history, as any murder mystery on CBS in which a white male did it, as the sort of person who lives in Alabama and yet drives a silver Volvo.

I whipped my wheels and went around him. He slammed his gas pedal to the floor as he saw me escaping his master plan and threatening to get in front of him.


He zipped straight towards another car that was waiting to cross as soon as he got his pretentious cunt out of their way there in the middle of the intersection. I was now driving beside him in a 4-wheel-drive truck that could easily shove him right into that car. I briefly considered allowing him to hit them head-on rather than move and let him cut me off again.

And then I let him in.

I don't know why I let him in. He didn't deserve it by any stretch of the imagination. I guess that's why I don't drive a silver Volvo. I'm just not a cunt and I don't want to become one. So I let the shithead zip back in front of me just in time to avoid possibly killing the woman in the car he was fully prepared to plow into head-on in order to 'beat' me.

Now we were heading towards home. And I could tell the gray-haired Volvo fruit was nervous. Passgive/aggressives love to fuck people and run, but when their victims are in a position to follow them home and confront them face-to-face they piss themselves. And I will fucking confront you when you do something as stupid and selfish as this if I feel that you're worth my time.

I followed him to the next main intersection. Suddenly he wanted to be all nice and kindly. He used his blinker. He turned right without blocking everyone behind him first even though the traffic was no clearer here than it had been at the previous intersection. I even had time to go right along behind him. So I did.

When he immediately tried to lose me by jumping into the center turning lane and taking the very first side street, I jumped in the turning lane with him. I turned right along behind him. Together we climbed up the very same hill I had jogged just a few weeks ago as a personal challenge because of how incredibly steep it is. I knew exactly what thoughts were passing through his now frightened little gray head.

"Shit, he's following me! What do I do now? I know! I'll drive around for awhile and then maybe go to someone else's house, like I live there or something. But what if he pulls into the driveway behind me and traps me? Shit! Then I'd have to face him like a REAL MAN. I can't do that because I'm a giant pussy. I'll just drive around, lead him all over town, waste his time until he gets bored. Or maybe I'll call the police. But what will I say? He hasn't actually done anything. He's not even riding that close, which is making it hard for me to lose him, DAMMIT! I'll just drive around all night long."

Yep, so we drove for awhile until I felt satisfied that the twat was shitting himself over his stupidity back at the intersection. Then I broke off and went home.

Sometimes people need to think about the shit they pull on other drivers in traffic. Sometimes people need to shit themselves when they've been acting like an ass for no good reason and tried to cause a wreck which might potentially kill someone. Intentionally causing a collision is a crime by the way. With witnesses to testify that they saw some cunt in a Volvo lock up his brakes for no reason and that he appeared to want the car behind to hit him, it shouldn't be that hard to show criminal intent. It's not an 'accident' when it's not an accident, you get me?

Anyway, his hair is a little grayer now than it was before, but he fucking deserved it.
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Life Explained

Life really boils down to 2 questions...

1. Should I get a dog.....?



2. Should I have children?


* emailed to me by Madeline McEwen-Asker
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Excuses for Leaving Work Early

leave work

1. My kids are locked outside.

2. My kids are locked inside.

3. My kids are stuck in the door.

4. I have to pick on my kids.

5. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies.

6. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha make cookies. She's much better now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying.

7. The water company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

8. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come.

9. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up.

10. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony.

11. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9).

12. I have to pick up my car at the shop. If I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend.

13. I have to get my car to the shop. If I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake).

14. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

15. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

16. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today.

17. My truss snapped.

18. My support hose popped.

19. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue.

20. I'm arranging financing for a house.

21. I'm arranging financing for a car.

22. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast.

23. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

24. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it.

25. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody. But if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective.

26. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel.

27. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA.

28. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale.

29. My back aches.

30. My stomach aches.

31. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.)

32. My biological clock is ticking.

33. I have to take my biological clock in for service.

34. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached.

35. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn.

36. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode.

37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother.

38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister.

39. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother.

40. I have to take my mother to the doctor.

41. I have to take my minister to the doctor.

42. I have to take my doctor to my minister.

43. I think I left the iron on.

44. I think I left the water on.

45. I think I left the refrigerator on.

46. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings.

47. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test.

48. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom.

49. I have to have my waistband let out.

50. I have to have my watchband let out.

51. I have to have my son's rock band let out.

52. I'm having my eyes checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.

53. I'm having my ears checked this noon, and they put drops in them so I won't be able to work afterwards.

54. I'm having my hats checked this noon, and I'll be having a drop or two so I won't be able to work afterwards.

55. I'm having a root canal.

56. I'm having a tax audit.

57. I'm going on a date with a sadomasochistic necrophile. (Is that beating a dead horse?)

58. My broker needs to talk with me about diversification.

59. I have to rearrange my savings so that there is no more than $100,000 in any one federally insured institution.

60. I need to break into my kid's piggy bank while he's not home.

61. I have to renew my driver's license.

62. I have to get new license plates.

63. I have to stand in a long line for no good reason, while petty bureaucrats take inordinate amounts of time to work out the tiny problems that they detect in perfectly routine transactions. THEN I have to breeze by and renew my driver's license and get new license plates.

64. I've got an urgent session with my therapist.

65. I've got a really urgent session with my therapist.

66. I've ... I ... I'm not ... I don't ... I CAN'T COPE WITH THIS!!

67. I have to get my contact lenses fitted.

68. I have to get my hearing aid adjusted.

69. I have to get my big toe calibrated.

70. Hey, hey! The Monkees could be coming to our town.

71. My rheumatism is acting up. There's going to be a terrible tornado.

72. My arthritis is acting up. There's going to be a terrible blizzard.

73. The pharaoh is acting up. There's going to be a terrible rain of frogs.

74. I need to give blood.

75. I need to give evidence.

76. I need to give up.

77. I'm going to my best friend's engagement party.

78. I'm going to my best friend's wedding.

79. I'm going to my best friend's divorce. (We all knew it wouldn't last. At the wedding, everybody threw Minute Rice.)

80. I have a seriously overdue library book that I have to return.

81. I have a bunch of old parking tickets, and if I don't pay them I'm going to be arrested.

82. The police are at the back door. Cover me.

83. I'm having my nails done.

84. I'm having my colors done.

85. I'm having my head examined.

86. I'm going to the bank.

87. I'm going to sleep.

88. I'm going over the edge.

89. A friend of mine is dying and I have to go to the hospital.

90. A friend of mine has died and I have to go to the funeral parlor.

91. A friend of mine is being reincarnated and I have to go to the zoo.

92. I need to check out the hole in the ozone layer.

93. I need to check into a rest home.

94. I'm breaking in my shoes.

95. I'm breaking up with my boyfriend.

96. I'm breaking out.

97. I have to pick up my dry cleaning.

98. I have to pick out a car.


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Can You Say "Massive Vote Fraud"?

One of the biggest stories of this election has been the massive vote fraud engaged in by left-leaning organizations such as ACORN. There has allegedly been more overt election vote fraud this November than ever before in our nation's history. And it is still going on right now in some unusually close elections where run-offs and recounts have been required. Polls showed many of these would not be close, but something oddly improbable has occurred. Repeatedly.

Mark Begich

In Alaska, magical votes have appeared from out of thin air, all for Democrat Mark Begich and none for any other candidate, suddenly giving him the lead over incumbent Republican Ted Stevens, whom he trailed substantially before a sudden and improbable reversal. As of today, Begich's new mysterious gain gives him an 814 vote lead courtesy of absentee ballots from out of nowhere.

Al Franken

In Minnesota, where Democrats with funding from George Soros placed ACORN activist Mark Ritchie in as Secretary of State and thus overseer of all election activities back in 2004 amidst allegations of vote fraud, Al Franken has magically received hundreds of new votes just like Mark Begich during a recount, while no other candidate has received any new votes at all. He has yet to mysteriously pull into the lead, but the magical new votes just keep appearing.

Once all the magical new votes are counted, should Franken win, apparently through the help of his fairy godmother, the Democrats will have their 60-seat supermajority and absolute power in the United States federal government.

George Soros
fairy godmother

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Things I Have Learned While Living In The South

Katherine Harris and possum

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes on earth and 4,998 live in the South.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in the South plus a couple no one's seen before.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart; it is a buggy.

People actually grow and eat okra.

'Fixinto' is one word.

There is no such thing as 'lunch.' There is only dinner and then there is supper.

Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar!

Backards and for'erds means 'I know everything about you.'

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is. You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH them.

You measure distance in minutes.

Sometimes you have to switch from 'heat' to 'A/C' in the same day.

'Fix' is a verb. Example: 'I'm fixing to go to the store.' I'm fixing dinner. (No, nobody broke dinner but I still have to fix it!)

All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

You know what a 'DAWG' is and the difference between "You dawg!" and "Where's the dawg."

You carry jumper cables in your car . . . for your OWN car.

There are only four spices: salt, pepper, Tabasco and ketchup.

The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

The first day of deer season is a state holiday.

100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a little warm.'

We have four seasons: Almost Summer, Summer, still Summer and Christmas.

Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as 'goin' Wal-martin' or off to 'Wally World or Wally-mart'.'

A cool snap (below 70 degrees) is good pinto-bean weather.

A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola or pop . . . it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example: 'What kinda coke you want?'

Fried catfish is the other white meat.

Common Measurements are Pone, Peck, and Sackful.

An Overnight bag is a Wal-Mart sack.

We all own guns and are good shots. Most of them were passed down through the family.

We don't need no stinking driver's ed . . . if our mama says we can drive, we can drive.

wind chime

shower head
Shower Head


Ventilated Toilet

beer bat

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Gang of Black Racists Attack Palin Supporting Girl

Annie Grossmann freshman hockey player at Augsburg said she was attacked for wearing a McCain/Palin button during election week.

An Augsburg freshman says four black women called her racist and punched her on election night after seeing her McCain-Palin button.

By PAUL WALSH, Star Tribune

An Augsburg College student and Sarah Palin supporter from Alaska was beaten on election night while walking to her dorm and was called a racist by a group of four young black women because she had on a McCain/Palin presidential campaign button, authorities and the victim said.

Annie Grossmann, a freshman on the Minneapolis college's hockey team, suffered blurred vision and is thought to have had a concussion from a punch in the eye, but declined medical attention, she said.

Through her mother, Grossmann, 18, of Delta Junction, reported the assault to campus security the next morning, and Minneapolis police were notified that afternoon. No arrests have been made.

Grossmann said she was in a dorm lobby with a handful of fellow Republicans watching election returns with "a bunch of Democrats around next to me, cheering [Barack] Obama on and rubbing it in our faces."

Once it was obvious that Obama was going to win, Grossmann said, she left the building alone shortly after 9:30 p.m. and headed to her room.

Under a skyway connecting the two buildings, four black women "bigger than I am" came up to her, she said.

"One approached me and got in my face and called me racist because I had the pin on. That really ticked me off, but I kind of left it alone because she was so much bigger than I am," said Grossmann. She is 5 feet 2 and weighs 120 pounds, and played boys high school hockey in Alaska. "The girls in the background were just a little bigger than me. They were mocking me from the sidelines.

"I didn't say anything. ... This one [bigger] girl grabbed me by the shoulders and was holding me. After about five minutes, I just wanted to get out of there."

Grossmann, who is white, said she told the women, who were black, "You guys don't even know me. There's no reason to think I'm racist."

At that point, she said, she pushed the bigger one in the group, and "she punched me, and the back of my head hit a brick wall."

"'Are you serious?''' she recalled saying to the women. After cursing at Grossmann, the women left, and "I held my eye and went to my room."

The team trainer, who checked her out the next day, said she probably had a concussion and barred her from practice for two days. She said she's also been required by the school to attend counseling and missed a day of classes.

As for her future at the college, she said, "I love Augsburg, and I love the team here. I have no plans on leaving." However, she added, "there are a few things that can change here, conservative versus liberal."

Augsburg spokesman Jeff Shelman said the school doubts that the women are students, citing a review of dorm building video surveillance that evening and the fact that the victim didn't recognize any of them.

Grossmann's parents, Bruce and Dawn, said that in the weeks leading up to the presidential election, Annie had trouble on campus because of her political leanings and for being a hunter.

Bruce Grossmann said a "PETA person" had to be removed from her dorm room because he was upset by a photo of her with a black bear she had shot. Also, he said, she attended an icebreaker on campus and was booed when she identified herself as a Republican.

"I don't think she was prepared for the close-mindedness," he said. "I told her she needs to take a lower profile [for the sake of] her academic and her sports careers."

Dawn Grossmann, a Delta Junction City Council member and chairwoman of a state commission that oversees public service funding in Alaska, said some professors and fellow students gave her a hard time for backing the GOP ticket. Citing academic privacy restrictions, Shelman said he could not confirm the other incidents the Grossmanns mentioned.

Dawn Grossmann has met with Palin for government business purposes and sent her daughter Palin campaign T-shirts. Bruce Grossmann said that Annie has also met Palin, is "very proud of Sarah Palin" and considers her "a role model."

Dawn Grossmann described Delta Junction as "small-town conservative" and "being in Minneapolis, that's very much of a change" for her daughter.

"She was surprised by how politically active the campus was," Annie's mother said. "She got a lesson right off the bat."

Annie Grossmann

[My question about all of this, which has happened in various simliar incidents in Memphis, is where is the FBI with its hate crimes investigation unit? Why is it that nothing is ever done when the hate crimes are politically correct? This is why the socialists have to call their way of doing things "social justice" instead of just justice, because there's no justice to it.

Nazi brownshirts couldn't have done it any better. Come to think of it, they were socialists, too.]

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Veterans Day

Veterans Day

It's Veterans Day, a day for honoring those who served. It was once Armistice Day, a day to celebrate the veterans of the War to End All Wars, but time and experience forced that lofty ideal to be changed. It would appear that there is no war to end all wars. At least not yet. As long as evil exists there will always be war and a need for war.

My father graduated from West Point many years ago. I still have his sheepskin diploma and his gold graduation ring from there. When they came calling for me I considered going. But my father wouldn't hear of it. He said it was a terrible place to go and insisted that I'd hate it. I had no idea at the time that he'd already planned to trick me into a position whereby I was left with no choices and would have to go to the college he'd chosen and become what he wanted. Ironically, this is how he said West Point treated him and the reason I shouldn't go.

We have a lot of idealists here in America, people who think that if they elect the 'right' leader then we won't go to war anymore and our soldiers will never leave to go fight anywhere. Interestingly, every single one of these 'great leaders' has gotten us involved in military conflicts that cost American soldiers' lives one way or another. One of them sold our greatest military secrets to communist China in exchange for cash and reelection assistance. It was treason, but politics being what it is, nothing was done about it. He later launched a missile at the Chinese embassy in retaliation for the embarrassment that resulted from the American People finding out about his betrayal of us.

We have a low tolerance for war here. It seems that no matter how viciously we're attacked we can't stay angry enough to fight back for longer than a few short months. After that we're all stressed and whiny and want our soldiers to surrender and come home. Our soldiers don't appreciate this lack of resolve much and openly say so.

We have a considerable segment of our population who actually despise our soldiers, even as those soldiers are giving their lives in defense of ours. Many of these haters hold highly paid positions in our most prestigious colleges and universities where they take full advantage of the daily opportunity to proclaim their hatred of America and its fighting forces. Others hold public office and use their power over the military to sabotage it with social experiments and lack of supplies wherever possible.

Still, a shrinking, but loyal segment of America remains resolute. We stand by our soldiers. We salute them for their sacrifices and their integrity. We wish more Americans and especially American leaders had as much integrity as our soldiers do. We wish America would wake up before it gets blown up.

This is my salute to our veterans and our current soldiers. You deserve better than you got. You deserve better than you're going to get. Thank you for what you've done and what you're doing.

dogs of war

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Crash and Burn

Iiana's photo 2007

Another weekend, another nothing much. I wasn't exactly in tip top shape and so I spent most of the weekend in bed or on the couch watching football. The Wife was with me. She was dead tired and might be fighting off whatever it is that has been killing me. So we just sat there for 2 days under a blanket. That cats fought over the giant lap opportunity and generally drove us crazy. It's what cats do. It's their job.

I appreciate that some of you actually care that I'm sick. If I had a doctor here in Rockettown I'd have been to see him by now, but as yet I don't. My last doctor from way, way back when I used to live here was a useless pustule and so I'm a bit picky about who I choose this time around. I suppose if I die of pneumonia while searching then it's all pretty much irrelevant. I mean, it won't matter to me because I'll be gone. Problem solved. Anyway, I am slowly getting better, or seem to be.

This whole working away from home 5 days a week is really getting to me. Or maybe I was down already and I just pretended I wasn't? Whatever the case, I seem to have fallen into a hole and I'm sinking. It's apparently affecting my blog because when I write snarky posts people read them as dead serious and jump on me. I would have thought the video of John McCain and Barack Obama being dubbed by Gary Busey and Mr. T would have been a dead giveaway, but that was back when I assumed people actually read the posts. I was young and naive. What did I know?

My comments on other people's blogs, also intended to be sarcastic and snarky, are being read completely differently than I meant them, too. So clearly it's me. I'm just off. I'm way, way off. I think I'm being so edgy only to have people respond with "good God, man, what is WRONG with you?!" Yes indeed, what is wrong with me? I don't know anymore.

I have begun to neglect The Girlie. She emails me several times a day for relationship advice. It has always made me happy to help her. It has given me some sort of purpose in my life. But lately I find that I have too much work to do and so I put her off. Or perhaps it's something else? Today I'm just not feeling it. If I can't make my own life work then how could I be possibly helping her any? And why would she be hanging out with me anyway? She's a hot 23-year-old with guys panting after her like a pack of wolves. And I am me. I don't fit in there anywhere that I can see. It must be an odd sight, the 2 of us sitting around drinking and talking about her sex life and all these crazy mixed up guys who want to do her. They make me crazy with the way they fumble things over and over again. And then she ends up crying. I guess now I see why girls cry so much. It's because so many of us guys don't know what the hell we're doing and so we turn the girls all inside out and upside down without even realizing we've done it.

I say 'we' but the fact is that I don't include myself. I don't turn anyone anything at all. I'm the Invisible Man. I only exist in shadows and emails and even then only barely.

The long drive down the dark highway every Friday and Sunday nights used to relax me back when I did this same commute prior to getting married. But now it all just eats up my time. For 3 1/2 hours I sit behind the wheel of my vehicle trying to pretend the other cars aren't even there, flipping stations on the radio in search of something I can connect with somehow, sometimes actually singing along just to keep from going insane. It's twice a week, every week.

I've seen quite a few serious accidents along the way and more than my share of dead bodies. People crash at high speed out there and when they do their air bags and crumple zones don't seem to be doing them much good. Whatever the case, I pass on by, feeling rather numb to all the flashing lights and emergency personnel running around trying to pry the bodies from the cars.

The Obama jokes have already started. I've received a few in my email inbox and they made me laugh. I'd post them here, but Lord knows it would go wrong somehow and I wouldn't quite understand why. Anyway, I don't feel like blogging jokes at the moment.

Obama has chosen a former Clinton man and board member of his beloved Freddie Mac, "Rahm Emanuel, to be his main man. Obama received the third highest payoff from Mr. Emanuel of any of Freddie Mac's big political recipients, so it should come as no surprise. I guess if you love Freddie Mac and the lovely things it has done for our economy then this shouldn't seem in any way controversial. Who am I to say? Rahm is known as a bit of a psycho among the former Clinton staffers for the way he insisted in all seriousness that everyone who dared to oppose The Clintons was "dead" and then set out to destroy them all Waco-style.

Anyway, I have a lot of work to do. I'm way behind. Once again, I thought I had something more to say. It seems I really don't. Judging from the reception my comments from this weekend have been receiving, perhaps it's best that when I don't feel inspired I should just say nothing? I guess I'm all done here.

And now for an old video that has been running through my head for the past week or so and refuses to leave me alone ...

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After The Party

face shield fashion

I've been sick for awhile now. I'm rather sick of it, being sick that is. People are starting to harass me about it. People from 9000 miles away are afraid they're going to catch my germs. I'd mail them my used Kleenex, but they won't give me an address. Smart people. I have no contact info for a single one of them.

The Press today is still going on and on about Obama. That's because all the Ladies of The Press want to have sex with him. I notice no one in The Press ever wanted to have sex with Sarah Palin, even though a lot of the voters as well as John McCain did. They also haven't said a word about Nancy Pelosi. Apparently no one wants to have sex with her either. She's a bit of a dragon lady. I suspect even the grrlz of The Press wouldn't be surprised if she pulled her mask off and revealed a horrible lizard face underneath, breathing fire and whatnot.

To The Press, aside from having their panties get all moist at the thought of a powerful man who doesn't have a gut, wears $10,000 Armani suits, and has the stereotypical assumption of a larger than average penis, there is the lure of 'change'. It's funny that every candidate running against an incumbent rarely has more to offer than that. Change is such a small and meaningless thing, and yet it wins at least half the time. "I offer you something other than what you currently have." The grass is always greener, don't you know? And people are forever gullible.


For The Press, 'change' means something to write about, something to put on the front page that might sell some papers before they go bankrupt, which many of them are. It means they themselves feel a little more excited about their jobs for awhile. So they embrace it simply because of the relief from mind-numbing boredom that it offers. They claim it's because the New Boy is black and that makes it exciting. They claim it's because the Old Boy is so awful that anyone at all would be better, and yet they rejected Hillary. They claim a lot of things, but if the truth were told, they probably don't know themselves why they do this every 8 years like clockwork.

Meanwhile, for the rest of us, life goes on. TV News anchors are all talking on and on about 'healing', making the assumption that the Marxist class-victim mentality they themselves embrace is embraced by all, as if the entire nation was wounded and now is made whole again because the new leader has a deep dark tan. As a viewer I find myself simply staring at them like a man on his lunchbreak encountering a homeless schizophrenic who rambles on about space men while wearing a shiny aluminum foil hat and no pants. Can't the grrlz of The Press ever think about anything else except race and sex? Did they honestly think Americans voted for a race, rather than a man or an ideology? Who does that? I mean, other than racists, sexists and Leftists in The Press.

The stock market has gone into free-fall. The Press thinks it's because the new president is black and everyone is a racist. It's all they can come up with since it's true of themselves and their own 401k accounts which they frantically withdrew just this morning. The truth is that whenever a socialist is elected president, everyone including other socialists pull their money out of the market and move it into cash. Then they ship it over to their Swiss bank accounts for safe keeping. People who are intelligent enough to make money on the markets are generally smart enough to read history books, too. History tells us very clearly what socialists do with hard-working people's money. Stealing is considering a virtue under socialism. Hard work is not. Jealousy and envy are the order of the day. Wisdom, restraint, and thrift are despised and punished.

So the market, as always, reflects the true feelings of the world's most powerful people. Even flaming communists like George Soros, while praising socialism with his mouth, are pulling money out of the market like mad with both hands. Socialists love to waste other people's money. But by God, don't you touch any of theirs.

Money, get back.
I'm all right jack keep your hands off of my stack.
Money, it's a hit.
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit.
I'm in the high-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a lear jet.

Money, its a crime.
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie.
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today.
But if you ask for a raise its no surprise that they're
Giving none away.

So, another day another blur of passing time. I'm still having to take cold medicine, but it fuzzes up my brain and makes it hard to concentrate. I can think well enough to wonder why I can't focus on my newest assignment, yet I can vomit out a new blog post. I suppose it's because a new assignment requires a deeper level of thought, a great deal more logic and reason, whereas writing on the blog is nothing more than the equivalent of sitting outside a pub shooting the shit. Oh sure, we like to think we're all so deep here, but really we're just a bunch of people hanging out, drinking and gossiping about things we know roughly half as much as we think we do. And the cold medicine, it's my alcohol. It doesn't make me feel happy. It just makes me walk a little sideways and need a nap.

Other interesting events in the news, buried beneath all the white grrlz trying to see who can shout the loudest that they LOVE the new half-black president, includes a very sorrowful article about California's rejection of redefining marriage to mean whatever someone wishes it to mean on any given day. Of course, they don't word it that way because it's too accurate. They call it a rejection of "marriage equality" which is false and a complete misdirection from the actual issue. There's not much cause for sorrow, though, on either side. The Political Playas behind this push already said years ago that they intend to keep on pushing, forcing TV networks to have more and more gay characters until the nation believes, quite incorrectly, that a huge percentage of the population is gay and in agony because they aren't married to other gay people. The plan is to push it and let the voters fight it out in the streets, rejecting it again and again, but each time a little less, with judges shoving it down their throats repeatedly until finally everyone just gets too tired to fight anymore and accepts it. It's textbook. In fact, it is indeed straight out of a book on how to manipulate large groups of people to accept things which they don't want. And it works. It will work. The votes of The People will be ignored by judges and the blurring of reality will continue until all pretense of democracy is gone and all that is left is a Nanny State. Another vote may or may not be allowed in the future. It was close enough this time, including all the vote fraud, that the next time it might pass. Either way, The Elitists get their way and The People get the shaft, thinking they have a voice, even as nothing in The Law reflects their view anymore. It's all a game, where wolves lead sheep around by their noses until such time as they feel the urge to devour them. Same as it ever was.

A far more interesting news story is about the attempt in San Francisco to legalize prostitution. The average citizen doesn't seem to care. It would seem almost a given that it would have passed. But to assume that is to misunderstand the importance of being able to claim that women 'as a class' are victims of men to The Feminist Machine. The female supremacist Marxists don't want prostitution legalized. Their arguments parallel and mimick The Church, and yet claim to be non-religious in nature and thus eligible for tax-payer funding. The simple fact is, there is money and power to be gained from portraying women who sell sex as victims, and men who buy sex as predators. The myth must be maintained at all costs. And so their enormous political machine made damn sure the legalization of prostitution did not pass in a city where only male customers are arrested while female prostitutes are watched over and protected by police, acting effectively as pimps with badges. The new church in town flexed its muscles and crushed the attempt to legalize sex between consenting adults. The uninformed will blame The Old Church, 'religious nuts' as they call them. Yes, it was religious nuts. But it was feminist nuts. Oftentimes people can't tell them apart, due to the similarly odd clothes, bad haircuts and frequent use of religious jargon in casual conversation.

Anyway, I thought I had more to say. There's plenty of news of interest. I'm just not feeling much like talking. Every night I call My Wife on the phone. "How was your day?" Every night it's the same. "My day was just like yesterday. I went to work. Same old thing. I came home. Not much on TV. I called you. That's about it. How was yours?"

I felt a lot better when I wasn't sick and could work out some. Maybe the lack of exercise is bringing me down? I read on another blog a woman describing a feeling of pain inside her, a feeling of faking it each day. I understand how she felt. But I can't exactly explain why. It's an ache that just seems to always be there. It's a problem without a solution, a pain for which there is no painkiller. I need something. I can't even remember now what it is. Perhaps I never knew?

Cheers, Big Ears!
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