Stuff That Makes Good Magazine Lists - Part I

5 Things A Good Boyfriend Won't Ask You To Do

We've all been in relationships where after awhile the lust wears off, the shiny rumbly cool car loses its luster, and you realize the guy you're dating is a cunt. Here are 5 things a good boyfriend won't ever ask you to do:

1. His Best Friend - No decent man turns to his woman and says "how do you like Tim? Do you think he's hot? Tim said he'd give me his San Diego Chargers mini-fridge if I could convince you to fuck his brains out. Whadya say, baby? It's a cool-assed fridge. I gotta have that fridge."

2. A Threesome With You, Him, and Your Super Hot Sister - Yeah, you know how this is gonna turn out, right? You've been pretty sure you've caught him checking out your fine sister several times, but he's always denied it. Now he's just flat out asking if he can fuck her while you juggle his balls for him. You learned long ago to never introduce your boyfriends to your sister until you're absolutely certain that they love you and only you because otherwise they always trip over their tongues trying to get to her. Fuck that shit.

3. A Threesome With You, Him, and His Best Friend - Yeah, you always thought there was something a little off about the way him and his best friend pal around. It's just a little too physical, a little too girly, and there's way too much damn tickling for this shit to be normal. Your man is a homo, honey. Time to throw that one back and try again.

4. Wipe His Ass For Him - He's been out drinking with his buddies. Maybe you were along, too. Maybe you're both piss-drunk. But he's the fool who tried to funnel a bottle of vodka. And now he's so sick that he's in the bathroom blowing out both ends at the same time. He's too wasted to let go of the toilet bowl, so he wants you to come wipe his dripping wet ass for him because he doesn't think he can keep his balance long enough with only one hand to do it. And also he's so drunk that he can't even find it. Time to close the door on this one. Maybe even lock it. Light a scented candle to help kill the smell and then go to bed. He'll still be there in the morning when you wake up, covered in shit and vomit and passed out cold.

5. Clean His Apartment While He's Out With The Guys - You don't live with him. You don't even have so much as a toothbrush in his bathroom, but he wants you to work your womanly magic on his nasty-assed man-cave while he goes to a strip club with the boys. "Aw c'mon, honey, you know I'm no good at that cleaning stuff." Yeah, talk about taking you for granted. This boy is a loser. So lose him.

5 Things A Good Girlfriend Won't Ask You To Do

We've all been in relationships where after awhile the lust wears off, the shiny jiggly titties begin to sag, and you realize the girl you're dating is a psycho bitch. Here are 5 things a good girlfriend won't ever ask you to do:

1. Read the "Twilight" Books So She Can Talk To You About Them - "Twilight" is a series of utter shit stories written by a team of psychologists and marketing professionals who were assembled for the sole purpose of writing something really pathetic that would sell like mad to girls who have no concept of what a real man is. If your girl is hooked on this shit, that's fine. It was created as a kind of lure, like a worm on a hook, for women. It's not shocking if she enjoys them. But if she expects you to read this shit, too, and then sit and talk with her about why she wants you to be a fag* like Edward Cullen then it's time to throw her and her pansy-assed books out into the street.

2. Stand In Victoria's Secret And Never Look At The Other Women - It's not bad enough that she wants you to stand there in Victoria's Secret, surrounded by sex, holding her purse like a eunuch. No, she also demands that while you're in there, with hot girls in sexy underwear waltzing around you, you're not allowed to even glance at them without her going ballistic on you. It's not the fact that she's taken you into Victoria's Secret. That's no problem at all. It's not even the holding of the purse, although that shit is supposed to be reserved for married men. No, it's the fact that she's peed on you with her purse, marking you as hers, and still wants to scream at you if you so much as glance at any of the hotties strutting around in front of you in their sexy undies. This is a huge warning of jealous rages to come. Remember, Lorena Bobbitt bragged to her cunt friends 2 months in advance that she was going to cut off her husband, John's, penis if he ever cheated on her. Then she made an excuse to actually do it and threw it into the street, leaving him bleeding to death and trying to get someone to take him to the hospital while she drove off to go brag to her friends. This was in addition to several other sexual assaults involving her, his testicles, and various weapons she used, all of which should have already warned him that he was married to a psycho-bitch with no respect for him and whom he needed to get the hell away from. Take the warning now and leave her in the dressing room in her undies and her temper while you run for the door. Your genitals will thank you for it.

3. Buy Her Tampons - She's sitting right there in the car, parked in the parking lot of the store where the tampons are. But she is too fucking lazy to go in and get them herself. So she wants to tell you about the highly complicated color-coding schemes and what assortment of purples ("no honey, it's lavender") and yellows and greens she wants and then sit her ass in the car talking on the cell phone to her friend (who never liked you) while you crawl inside like a dog to do the most humiliating errand a woman can ask a man to do for her. The dreaded Tampon Run is reserved for married couples and emergencies. An emergency means she can't go herself and desperately needs your help. But this is no emergency. She just wants to see if you're a big enough pussy to do it. So tell her you will, then go inside and buy a 20-pack of beer. Then tell her you forgot. If she's a normal woman she'll get pissed, call you an idiot, and go get them herself. If she's testing you for weakness, she'll try to send you in again. Be strong and get more beer. Or dump her for her hotter sister.

4. Watch "Oprah" or "The View" - Sure, lots of women watch this shit. That's fine. Lots of men used to watch "The Man Show" before some network Vagina Monologue Princesses destroyed it. But when she insists that you sit and watch this self-serving, vagina-powrr shit with her, without making any remarks about what a stupid ugly bitch any of the women on the show are, something is wrong. Why would a woman who loves you subject you to that kind of agony? There is nothing about this garbage that is in any way helpful to you or the relationship. The only married person on "The View" is the Hasselback woman, and the other women all hate her because she's pretty while they're all skags*. And Oprah has never been married*. Guess why? Yeah, that's not a hard one to figure out. Beware of anything to do with The Oprah. And run like hell from a girl who tries to make you watch that shit, too. Next she'll be buying you pink shirts and pressuring you to wear them.

5. Wear Pink Shirts - The day you get a 'present' from her that turns out to be a Barbie pink shirt of some sort, take this as a big neon warning of trouble ahead. What kind of woman takes a man and tries to turn him into a woman? Why does a woman want a man to wear pink? Because she sees you as weak, and the shirt is a symbol of that. She's smiling a pearly white smile and cooing "oh c'mon, aren't you secure in your manhood?" But what she's really thinking is "the instant he puts that on, his balls are mine. I'm the alpha dog here and he's my bitch." And she's right. If you put that shit on, you've just become the girl in the relationship. The shirt is just a symbol of that. No man needs a woman who wants to turn him into a girl so she can be the man. Dye the shirt red next time you're doing laundry, and dump the girlfriend. She's trying to be your boyfriend.

Bud Light Clothing Drive

* Fag - a derogatory term for a homosexual man commonly used prior to the Dark Ages of Political Correctness. (Also used by the English to refer to a cigarette, but not in this instance.)

* Skag - a derogatory term for a very unattractive woman, usually with a personality every bit as nasty as her face, commonly used to describe the High Priestesses of Political Correctness. (i.e. Hillary Clinton is a skag. In fact, come to think of it, all the women in the Obama Administration easily qualify.)

* Oprah never married - even if I turn out to be wrong about this, I couldn't care less. Real men don't give a shit about Oprah's love life and the apparent lack thereof.

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