It's another Fuck You Friday. The headline news this week is loaded with the usual political horseshit. Since the only responses I received relating to whether or not I should continue this series were, "do it if you like it" and "where the fuck is FYF" I am posting another one.
Here are some of this week's top stories and my hyperventilating, neurotic responses:
All the Muslim leaders were sitting around the table waiting impatiently for Condoleeza and chanting, “bring on the hot chick! Bring on the hot chick!” Yeah, when burkas are all you see all day, your standards aren’t super high.
Republicans hit by wave of political bad news
Ah well, watcha’ gonna do? Break out the surf boards, boys, and show us some real leaders for a change. Bwa ha ha ha! Oh, I cracked myself up. Real leaders. That's funny right there.
Denmark warns against travel as Muslims decry cartoons
Wow, it seems everybody hates Family Guy these days. Or is it South Park they’re pissed about? Maybe it’s an old Bugs Bunny cartoon? Remember when Ted “antichrist” Turner bought all the Warner Brother’s cartoons and immediately started destroying the un-PC ones? If Christians had done that they’d have called them fascists, but when fascists do it they call it progressive and give the Nazi an award.
Woman says she didn't mean to hurl baby
Apparently s/he was using the baby as a club to beat the baby’s fat/her. But you know, somehow it must be hi/s fault, right? Of course. The law even says so. You should read it for yourself. I’m not kidding.
Student charged in Mo. school shooting
The boy fired one shot into the ceiling. The Media are more interested with the “assault rifle” than what might have actually set the boy off. As a former middle school boy and alleged gun enthusiast I am mostly interested in one thing: the fact that the “assault rifle” jammed after the first shot. The lesson to be learned here, since we’re never going to allow belief in God back into school and never going to stop harassing the boys with misandric propaganda and sexual assault in the classrooms, is that if you’re going to bring a gun to school with the intent of shooting the place up, make sure it isn’t a cheap Chinese piece of shit. Yeah, I realize there are better lessons to be learned here, but those aren't allowed in the classroom anymore.
War, sex scandal sinking Republicans in polls
Hell, the sex scandal is the most interesting thing to happen to Republicans since … since … I can’t even remember the last time they did anything interesting.
'Runaway bride' sues her former fiancé
Oh good God! She didn’t even marry him and still she wants all the money. All I can say is that I hope he realizes how lucky he is to have dodged this bullet from hell and never tries to get married again. Remember what the great and wise Gomer Pyle always said, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”
Gravely ill woman kills son, is freed, kills husband
Apparently we have forgotten why you are supposed to lock up murders and not let them out again. Here is a little reminder. Incidentally, after her second murder and rearrest, she told them that if she ever gets out again she’ll kill more.
Fertile women dress to impress?
Considering the state of things today, I guess the real question is, are they dressing to impress men or just the other wo/men? I think Congressman Foley and Senator Clinton would understand exactly what I mean. And then there's wo/men like Janet Reno, dressing to impress ... um ... grandmothers.
Doctor touts vasectomies for elephants
So, um, there is a run-away elephant population? How is this a huge breakthrough? I thought elephants were endangered.
Bombing at Iraq bakery kills at least 11
No soup for you!
Army tones down drill sergeants
Yes, because we are the new, more feminine army now. We’re less effective, but far prettier. And after all, isn’t that what really matters?
Kolbe says he warned of Foley years ago
People warned about Bill Clinton and Ted Kennedy years ago, too. What’s your point?
Study links whooping cough to lax laws
If we’d just make whooping coughs illegal, they’d all go away. But if our government establishes a taxpayer-funded agency to study them, then we will suddenly hear of an “epidemic of whooping coughs” and steady demands for increased funding year after year. Next will be a stream of headlines reading “women suffer more from whooping coughs than men” and “blacks given less treatment for whooping coughs than whites.” And again, calls for more funding will follow. Then the UN will proclaim that more laws against whooping cough are needed to protect women. The U.S., as usual, will be expected to provide the funding for all of this because we're the world's daddy, even as we're desperately trying to castrate ourselves and transform into the world's pushy neurotic Jewish mother.
Cola consumption linked to weaker bones in women
Whereas, men can drink all the cola they want, eh? Ha ha! Take that, bi/otches! Wait, they just didn’t bother to study any men, did they? Yeah, fuck them for that.
Experts want to rename schizophrenia
They want to call it Jane. Schizophrenia is just too hard for America’s students to spell and that hurts their self-esteem, which as we all know is the biggest problem facing American students today – low narcissism.
Couple jailed for sex in mosque
Now they can have sex in jail. Bonus!
Desai youngest ever woman author to land Booker
Do we actually keep up with this shit? What about the most middle-aged transvestite author to catch a fish? Who was the youngest ever white boy to play basketball while wearing his pants down around his knees like a fool? This is the most fascinating trivial bullshit I’ve ever not bothered to read. Do you think someone somewhere actually has a database of the first women to do things, broken down by race and age and other divisive and idiotic categories, and they are updating it all the time? Or do you think they are just making wild-assed guesses on this to promote an agenda and sell papers full of fluff and bullshit? I’m putting my money on the wild-assed guesses theory because not a single one of our 'leaders' has ever had the balls to require feminists to prove a damned one of their claims.
World powers say N. Korea should be punished
Yes, and in the true spirit of the new fe/male-dominated United Nations I think we should have Jane Fonda dress up as Barbarella, tie up Kimmie Jong Il, and spank his big, fat, yellow bottom. That’ll surely teach him a grave lesson. Ooh, I shiver at the thought of it! We’re so mean!
Ban on child labor begins in India
But then who will answer the phones for Bellsouth’s DSL tech line?! Will I ever hear Raja's beautiful voice again? Say it isn't so! Raaaaaaajaaaaaaaaa!
Streisand has outburst at NYC concert
She farted and it went platinum. To be fair, though, it was a cunt-fart.
North Korea threatens war against U.S.
Hmm, they get their first nuke courtesy of our helpful assistance back in the ‘90s and right away they announce their plan to attack us. What a big surprise. I wonder why we’re so concerned about Iraq and Iran trying to build nukes? We must just be paranoid or something. Good thing our old pal China was around to help all three of them learn to arm and launch a Chinese ICBM right after we gave them the nuclear materials.
U.S. missile defense gear delayed by protests
People are protesting against DEFENSES against nuclear missiles? How fuckin’ stupid is that?!
Ford courts conservatives in Tennessee Senate race
His opponent, Corker, has been foolishly allowing the Republican Party ‘leadership’ to produce his campaign ads and define his positions for him. Consequently, he seems out of touch and clueless, much like they all are. He’s actually a decent candidate, but unless he takes the reins himself Ford is going to beat him like Hillary in the Oval Office with a husband and a lamp.
Lawyers: Possible deal for sniper Malvo
Sure, why not? All he did was kill random people for his Muslim faith, something he isn’t likely to ever repent of because the idea that anyone different than himself is subhuman is a part of his core beliefs. He has a “Malvo lens” for viewing the world. Anyway, the FBI is still out looking for that white male to blame. So let’s just let him out. We might as well give him some ammunition while we’re apologizing for his inconvenience. He could be a new UN delegate. They'd call him 'hero.'
New Study Says Men Are Smarter
And yet somehow I’m afraid to even click on this story, let alone talk about it. It’s a trap, I know it is.
Woman who lied about rape gets prison
It’s not the false accusation of rape that got her put into prison. No, because we all know THAT’S a victimless crime, right? No, it wasn't the fact that she lied about being raped. See, she didn’t entirely lie about participating in a rape itself. It seems she raped her 12-year-old male cousin when she was 30. Then she claimed she was the “real victim” of some random rapist and wrote a book about it. Predictably, Oprah featured her as part of her regular ‘women as victims’ segment. I wonder if Oprah will ever set the record straight now that it has come out that her guest is a rapist herself? I wonder if Oprah will have the actual real victim, that 12-year-old boy who is going to be forced to pay child-support, on her show? I’m guessing not.
Embarrassed Tara Reid fixes botched breast job?
Here, let me help you with that.
Half-naked man horses around with police
I’m not the only one who sees why this might be a bad idea, right?
Bush signs law on North Korea nonproliferation
I’m thinking of an old saying here, it relates to closing a barn door and the cows already being out.
U.S. sets aside acreage for beach mice
I’m picturing little mice all dressed in bikinis and sunglasses lying out on the beach catching some rays. They may even have special mice nude beaches by now. Who can say?
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