Thanksgiving Royale

Daniel Craig

My mother-in-law came to our house for Thanksgiving. She stayed from Wednesday night until Sunday afternoon. It wasn't as bad as you might think. I did try to record her awful New York laugh, though, but I don't think I got it. It was hard to do while being inconspicuous. The damn machine beeps too much.

On Thanksgiving day My Wife and Her Mother decided to go for a walk around noon. The turkey was cooking and there wasn't much to do. I had already decided that I wanted to run instead. Or rather, that I needed to run whether I wanted to or not. And since it was a holiday I decided to run as much as I felt like.

On weekdays when I run during my lunch break I'm limited by time. I only have maybe a half hour to actually run and I'm not running very fast, so that limits my distance. On a weekend or a holiday I can take all the time I need. So I did. I ran 6 miles. I only intended to run 6, so maybe I should have set my sights on a longer distance and I would have been better off? I don't know. All I know is that my body started talking to me at 5 miles. It said, "I have to poop. I'm going to poop right now. I'm going to poop here in the park while you're running."

And I replied, "that'd be a big mistake. Even if you poop here you still have to run the rest of the way around the track and then take me all the way home. That's still 2 miles no matter how you cut it. You're going to be awfully sorry if you poop now."

My body insisted that he didn't care. We argued a bit. Then he let out a stream of noxious farts that cleared the track behind me and killed several small squirrels in the nearby trees. Birds fell out of the sky.

And yet still I needed to poop.

I had passed My Wife and Her Mother several miles back. They had long since disappeared, having finished their walk and gone home I suppose. I decided that the massacre of small wildlife my ass had made was a strong indicator that I should finish up at 6 miles and go home to my own private potty to lose some excess pounds in the form of turds.

I had a lovely poo. You would have all been proud of me. I even managed to flush while both My Wife and Her Mother were in 2 separate showers, causing them both to lose water pressure and temperature at once. SCORE!

Football was eventful. I'm sure all of you who follow football know what happened. If not, I may come back and edit this, giving my carefully constructed and totally unbiased opinions of the ass whippings and upsets. To sum up, Nebraska, Florida, LSU, and Georgia did well, Texas and Arkansas did not.

On Saturday we all went to see the new James Bond movie, "Casino Royale." There is a new James Bond. He's played by Daniel Craig who was stolen straight out of the movie "Layer Cake." If you haven't seen "Layer Cake" then you're going to be shocked by the new James Bond. Not only that, but you missed out on a damn good movie. Go see "Layer Cake" before you see "Casino Royale." I just ordered the DVD so if you can't find it you can come over to my house and watch it with me. Bring pizza and beer.

Anyway, the new James Bond is starting over, sort of like Batman, only without the synthetic muscle suit and cape. And like Batman, the latest reincarnation is good. No more invisible cars or disco dancing or bellbottom suits. M is still played by Judi Dench, the woman from "As Time Goes By." I know, you have no clue what show that is. It's on PBS here and she's not really that different. Anyway, you don't have to watch "As Time Goes By" to get a handle on the new female M or anything. It's the same woman they've had for the past few movies, but she's not as nasty as she was in the first one when she referred to James Bond as a "male chauvinist", which was really lame and probably written by some guy who still lives with his mother. This time M is more like the characters Judi Dench usually plays, so I'm guessing she had more say in the lines this time around. Moneypenny is gone, although not necessarily permanently. The woman who played her in all of the previous films is named, rather ironically, Samantha Bond. She has retired. M's secretary in this film is a white male. This is yet another PC casting with a few more to come. Q is gone and so is R, the replacement played by John Cleese. Whether or not there will ever be another Q is up in the air at this point, but based on what they've done so far I'm guessing a new Q would be either female, black, or both just because. Felix, the American CIA agent from the original story, is now a black man who isn't very good at poker.

The movie is fast and furious. Instead of relying on gadgets, the film's biggest action sequence relied on cables, which were then digitally erased. It was well done, though, so it won't make you cringe while watching men flying and spinning in the air like bad Chinese dancers pretending that kung fu is magic. They just used them to enable some spectacular outdoor stunts done at tremendous heights. And if you want to really appreciate this sequence you have got to see this in the theater with the giant screen and a good sound system. It'll make you dizzy.

James Bond's all time most popular car, the old '60s Aston Martin, makes an appearance, but is not initially his and does not have any gadgets in it. He only uses it briefly to impress a good-looking woman, whom he needs information from. Later, he is supplied with a newer car which has only a few gadgets, all of which he winds up needing. After that the car has a horrific crash. So don't fall in love with his car or you'll cry when you see what happens to it. And if you don't cry when they crash the car you will probably cry when you see what happens to James Bond after the crash. They hurt him. It isn't nice. But he does manage to make a good joke out of it. And this, again, is more like "Layer Cake" than any James Bond film I can recall. No one ever did this sort of thing to the disco James Bond. But none of the disco James Bonds ever came across as being half the man that this one is. Even Sean Connery would be hard pressed to come across as ever having been any tougher or more focused on his goal than Daniel Craig. As for the previous James Bond, Pierce Brosnan, no matter how much you may like him, he could never have pulled off this role no matter how hard he tried.

And the women will, of course, enjoy seeing him naked and tied to a chair. The men won't like this scene nearly so much. It'll make you cry.

So anyway, the Mother-In-Law drove home. My Wife cried when she left and said, "now we're all alone again." Another reminder that moving away from Memphis is a top priority.

And then we worked in the yard, cleaning up My Neighbor's pine tree droppings which are all over the yard. I had to spray for the mole again, because it appears he's been testing the lawn to see if it's safe to return. After that I scooped out the exploding rocks from our infamous Chiminea and replaced them with lava rock from the grill section of Home Depot. Then I started up a fire to test them and we spent the rest of the afternoon and a good part of the evening sitting outside under the stars watching our now explosion-free fire burning merrily along.

I hope you had a happy Thanksgiving, even if you live in a fabulous country like Australia or Canada where they don't necessarily have Thanksgiving, but they do have an abundance of hot chicks and happiness.
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