Nude Memphis News and Headlines

It's a brand new day and everyone is battling illness, flooding, bad government, or bad traffic. It's time for a distraction. Let's take a look at the current headlines making the news.

$75 billion mortgage plan

The story says that Obama's plan is going to help 9 million families avoid foreclosure. What it doesn't say is that roughly 4.5 million of those are living in houses they don't qualify for and only got into because of ACORN's political racketeering in conjunction with former President Clinton's Justice Department, which threatened banks if they did not give houses to these privileged groups of people. Having worked at an $80 billion bank and seen these mortgages, I am fully aware of what a large percentage of now distressed homeowners never made a single payment on their houses because they moved in never intending to pay. They were told that the Democrats had given them these houses (at the expense of everyone who actually pays for their own homes.) Apparently it was true. We call this buying votes and it works, even if it is technically illegal.

Halle Berry's gown steals the spotlight

No, silly grrlz, it wasn't the gown that stole the spotlight. It's what was barely hidden inside the gown that everyone was looking at. Duh!

Lower standard of living may be permanent

Welcome to socialism, or as they call it in Chicago, "progressivism". Stealing from those who work to produce something and giving to those who do nothing but run around protesting and screaming "I'm the real victim" all day long always leads to a lowered standard of living. This is why all the other Western nations who tried socialism have been slowly trying to move away from it, even as the billionaire New York sociopaths who control the U.S. and U.N. continue to deny reality and shove it down our throats. Bernie Madoff's little scheme, alongside the massive dive in the stock market, may be the first time in the entire lifetime of this generation of wealthy American idealists that they themselves are suffering a little bit along with all of their victims. And by suffering I simply mean that their net worth went from a couple of billion dollars to maybe one billion. Ouch! That must be rough. See you bitches at Hamilton island, where I hope to be pouring your drinks and telling you "there, there, at least all your gold jewelry has tripled in value."

New York Post cartoon

Attorney General Holder: US is nation of cowards on racial matters

This is absolutely true. We are too weak and cowardly to point out that the majority of bad subprime home loans were given to black and Mexican applicants who had been told by their 'community activist leaders' that Clinton was guaranteeing them free houses. We refuse to point at all our ivy league colleges and call them racist for their open bigotry towards the white majority and the white males who founded this nation. We refuse to call Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton haters and racists for all the bigotry that spews from their mouths. We are indeed a nation of cowards on racial matters. He's right about that. Good for him!

Wisconsin boy's essay leads to charges against Dad

This boy wrote a school paper in which he mentioned that his dad once shot him in the butt with a BB gun. The teacher, a good communist as the NEA mandates, turned him in to The State. The State, all-knowing and all-castrating, has responded by arresting the father and charging him with a felony. Yes, a felony. Everything is a crime in a police state and every crime is a felony because it banktrupts the average citizen to try to fight the charges when they are seemingly inexplicably escalated to a felony. Thus, it robs most Americans of their ability to declare their innocence in court before a jury of their peers. Usually the end game is that a plea bargain will be offered at the last minute. "Just admit you're a witch and we won't burn you. Say you're guilty and we'll reduce the charge to the only charge it should have ever been in the first place, a misdemeanor. Say you're a witch or we'll destroy you and your entire family." I remember when my older brother shot me in the leg with a BB gun at close range. It hurt. Big fucking deal. He also shot me in the back once and my dad thought it was hilarious. I didn't, but I didn't call the fucking police either. Even if I had, back in The Day the police wouldn't have cared. But that's all over now. We're a Mommy State now, and Queen Oprah says this man is evil and must be destroyed (along with his family, by the way) for his 'crimes.' A BB gun! This is how far we have fallen.

Boy marries dog in India to ward off tiger attacks

This story was placed in "News of the Weird" because, apparently, we're supposed to think it strange that a boy married a dog. I'd like to point out that we currently live in a time when we're told not to think it weird when a woman marries a woman, or a man marries a man, and yet somehow we're supposed to find it weird that a boy married a dog. I can't keep count of the number of arguments I've heard over the push to redefine marriage in which someone has pointed out that once redefined on the basis the feminist political lobby is demanding, there is no justification for stopping all further demands of redefinition, including a demand to allow a boy to marry a dog. So, how is this weird? Is it because of the tiger? Tigers are weird? What qualifies as 'weird' today? You can't say the boy and the dog don't love each other. You don't know that. You can't judge.

Not weird

Afghans turn "new page" as U.S. sends more troops

More troops? What? The whole election was said to be about war and Iraq and how Bush just wants to send troops out. "Bring them home" was the cry of the new administration, was it not? Now they're sending out more troops? That's odd. That almost reminds me of another former U.S. President. Who was it? Was it Lyndon Johnson? No, he was before my time, but he did do this, too. Wait, I remember now, it was Bill Clinton. We attacked more countries and more Chinese embassies under Bill Clinton than we ever did under either Presidents named Bush. Funny how it's all OK now, just like it was in the '90s under Clinton. Aren't people funny? Take Cindy Sheehan for instance, she's not saying a word about this. Isn't that funny?

Is weird

Woman uses wedgie to capture suspected thief

Again, News of the Weird. Why is this weird? Is it because she didn't sexually assault him when she had the chance? I was watching a show on CBS last night and judging from that, all women everywhere are just dying for a chance to sexually assault as many men as possible. Of course, its actually the politically correct psychos writing the shows at CBS who are the ones wanting to sexually assault as many men as possible, but they claim art reflects life. Apparently not. Perhaps what's weird about this story is the fact that the woman was even able to hold the boy by his underwear without it tearing and coming out? When you consider how cheap most of the clothing sold in the United States is these days, that really is pretty darned strange. Oh, and also she put him in a headlock. But she never did grab, punch or kick his testicles. Imagine that, a woman who just fights like a decent person and wins. Who knew it was even possible? Certainly not the writers at CBS.

Prominent journalists jump ship to go work for White House

Many supposedly "objective" and "unbiased" journalists have quit their jobs in the Fourth Estate to go and work directly for their new Great Leader, throwing off any and all pretense of where their loyalties lie. Objective Truth be damned, let's all jump on board the Free Ride, where everything will be given to us for free! Meanwhile, an Australian by the name of Rupert Murdoch, not being a fool, realized several years ago that with the media in the United States being completely and totally biased towards the Left, he could do the seemingly impossible and establish not only a fourth major television network, despite incredible odds, by simply catering to the 150 million Americans who lean more Right than Left, and thus had nowhere to turn for news. It's not about good journalism, or even idealism. It's just good business. Unfortunately, it's still not objective, unbiased information, which is what the citizens of a nation ruled by representative government require in order to make informed decisions. Too bad we still don't have that.

Bernanke vows to do all he can to revive economy

Then let the Federal Government subsidize hookers and send them out into the streets to give free blowjobs for America. This will do more to inflate the economy than the gigantic shopping spree Nancy Pelosi's Congress just passed without reading, and President Obama, after insisting it urgent and vital, waited 3 days to sign while he was out playing golf on vacation. And no, I'm not making that up.

Free blowjobs for America!

Masked teens spark major police alert

Two masked little boys, playing a game in which they imagined themselves to be German elite soldiers, triggered a massive German police operation. This is what happens in a Nanny State where even little boys playing soldier is too scary for Oprah. When I was growing up we ran the neighborhood carrying realistic looking M16s and Colt .45s and shooting the living hell out of each other with some very real BB guns. No one ever called the police because this is the sort of thing that normal, well-adjusted boys do. But all of that has changed now. We're softer today. We're all Grandma now, screaming at boys with frogs before arresting them and charging them with felonies. Luckily for these boys, German police are less prosecution-happy than American authorities. The boys aren't being charged "to spare the families the expense" the police said.

Taxi runs over crocodile in Aussie town

An Australian taxi driver ran over a 3 foot long freshwater crocodile in the center of Mount Isa, Queensland, severely injuring the croc, who had apparently been attempting to hail the cab. When the cab driver reported the accident, Australian police said "Fingers, is that you?" and accused him of being drunk. But when they arrived they found that he was telling the truth. Efforts were made to save the croc, but he was too badly injured and died.

No kissing in British railway station

British authorities, in response to recent studies which have found the British to be second only to the Japanese in having the least amount of sex of anyone on Earth, have banned kissing in certain railway stations. Signs are being posted to alert travelers not to engage in any lip-locking activities before boarding their trains.

British PM says no time for drinking at the G20 summit

British Prime Minister Gordon Brown, following the announcement that kissing is being prohibited at designated British railway stations, has declared that there will be no drinking at the G20 summit this year. "Get stuffed" Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd shouted in reaction to the British PM's remarks. He was then almost immediately handed an extraordinarily large glass of beer by German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who appeared to already be well on her way to a full on drunk. "That's the worst idea I've heard all year" PM Rudd continued. German Chancellor Merkel then threw an empty beer can at Gordon Brown, who appeared to relent, stating "oh alright, I was just trying to ... oh fuck it anyway."

Beer me!

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for! It's the first episode of

Italian Spiderman

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