Yesterday while driving to work I encountered a stream of mentally challenged drivers, all in Cordova, as usual. From here on out I will simply refer to them, not so much as "fucking assholes without a brain" but rather in the more scientific term, "Cordova Crazy." That would be "cordovus insanitus" in Latin.
The first victim stricken with Cordova Crazy Syndrome was a man in a big Lincoln Town Car who appeared to be driving in the right-hand lane on Walnut. Just as I was coming up past him in the left-hand lane he apparently decided that he didn't want to allow anyone to get by him, even in a different lane, so he swerved over and positioned himself in the middle of both lanes at once. He simply stayed this way, perhaps feeling more comfortable with all the extra room it afforded him. I, as I have said several times previously, don't give a fuck if you hit me. So I squeezed on by anyway. We didn't trade any paint samples so, as they say in upper-level judicial circles, "no harm no foul."
Once I had passed on by he did not move over into the left-hand lane the rest of the way, as you might have expected, being rational and thinking that perhaps he was simply changing lanes and didn't see me. No, once I had passed him he slowly allowed his car to sort of fall back into the right-hand lane as before and continued on his crazy way.
Hey, odd things happen in traffic sometimes, you know, and especially in Cordova, which I had just entered as this occurred. So I didn't think too much about it.
I crossed over to Trinity, which is a massive 5 lanes wide, and went on my way again. As I approached the neighborhood of Lesbian Elvis, a woman in a large SUV pulled out in front of me. I slowed down, as I had no other choice, and we continued on. She then moved into the right-hand lane, leaving me free to pass. But as she approached a parking lot entrance for a grocery store she hit her brakes, moved into both lanes at the same time, and came to a near stop before turning, all without signaling, of course. I nearly removed the paint from the entire driver's side of her SUV as she swerved into me, but managed to avoid doing so by virtue of the smallness of my minitruck.
"Hmm, 2 Cordova Crazies doing the exact same thing in a row. Isn't that odd," I thought to myself.
After crossing Germantown Road there is a point at which Trinity splits, with the left-hand lane continuing onward and the right-hand lane swerving into a commercial park. The man in the car in front of me, having apparently contracted the Cordova Crazy Virus, decided NOT to decide which way he wanted to go. He simply positioned his car ... can you see this coming .... he positioned his car in both lanes at the same time and kept driving. I, having made a preliminary diagnosis of his mental condition based on the 2 previous experiences, decided to hang back rather than pass in the hopes that I might see if he crashed dead on into the barrier located between the diverging lanes.
Alas, he did not. He waited until the last possible second, and why I do not know because no one was in his way on either side, and then he jerked violently into the left-hand lane in front of me. He was not talking on a cell phone and did not appear to have been distracted from the road in any way. It just appeared that he was screwing around for no special reason.
On the drive home, having safely exited Cordova and entered into My Little Redneck Town, I mistakenly thought I was safe from the Cordova Crazies. But as I turned onto a 3-lane road (1 lane West-bound, 2 lanes East-bound) that merges into a 2-lane road (where I was sideswiped by a white Chevy van) a woman driving a huge white Ford Expedition SUV in front of me and driving all of 35 mph suddenly swerved into both of the East-bound lanes and continued driving in this fashion. She had 2 wheels in the center of the left lane, and 2 in the center of the right lane. She remained this way until the 2 East-bound lanes converged into 1, about a mile down the road. Yes, one whole mile.
Now, I might surmise from her behavior that she is actually from Cordova and thus clearly afflicted with Cordova Crazy Syndrome. Or, and this is a distinct possibility, she might live in My Redneck Town and simply be afflicted with the far more common Redneck Stupid (redneckitus stupidiotus.)
Either way, I will continue to be on the look-out for other cases of these afflictions and record my findings here, as always.
You have read this article with the title Loonies On the Path - part XII - Cordova Crazy. You can bookmark this page URL http://thebohemianbunny.blogspot.com/2005/03/loonies-on-path-part-xii-cordova-crazy.html. Thanks!
