5 Ways to Tell If Your Guy is Lying

Bud and Kelly

Feminists claim that the way to tell if a man is lying is to see if his lips are moving. Of course, feminists rarely ever date any members of the male sex and generally don't get along with them, so perhaps it is understandable that guys might lie to them simply to get away or that feminists might not even really understand guys at all. Not that this lack of understanding has stopped them from writing mountains of articles and books about men. But experts in the CIA, who mysteriously seem to be available to write dating columns for women's magazines which I happily lampoon on my blog say it is actually a bit more complicated to know if a man is lying than simply seeing if he is speaking at all.

It seems that the most sought-after guys, the ones women are quickest to drop their panties for, lie to those panty-dropping women more than normal. And women, well, they often like to try to control men like a puppeteer controls their little string puppets. So of course they want to know as much as possible about how to tell if they, in turn, are being manipulated right back.

At various times, it's likely that your man has said something to you that sounded not quite right. "No, your ass is not getting as big as a semi." "No, I don't mind watching your movie and I actually sort of like Julia Roberts." "No, I don't mind when you denigrate me to my friends and your friends and your family and my family and the mailman and the kids and the dog and even when you're talking in your sleep."

"Men lie to preserve their ego," Dave Crumb, former CIA man and author of "Writing Women's Books Is Going To Make Me Rich", explains. "Actually," he whispers to me as he leans forward, "it's to preserve women's ego, but I'm never going to tell them that. Wait, don't write that down! I'll swear I never said that if you quote me on that. Just go with the first part. Women love hearing that shit because of that whole ego thing. And I'm not saying whose ego, either. Are you still writing this down? Wait, stop! Go back. Back up and delete that last stuff. I was talking off the record there."

Psyche major

Even though small lies intended to preserve your, or their, ego, might seem harmless, after awhile women begin to feel confused as to what is true and what is a lie. And then, all too often, they make the mistake of going and talking to a psychotic friend who probably went to college to major in psychology or psychiatry because she herself is a basketcase and is trying to figure out why her life is such a disaster, and this crazy friend fills her head with a lot of pop-feminist crap which ultimately leads to the breakup of any and all relationships she has with men. Misery loves company, you see, and no one is more miserable than your average psychiatric professional loony.

So here are a few simple tactics to help you spot when your man is lying to you versus when he's being totally honest and insensitive to your feelings.

toilet reading

1. Take note of his normal behavior. Carefully notice how your man behaves when he's talking to one of the guys. Guys rarely lie to each other because guys have a low tolerance for bullshit. That's why so few men voted for Barack Obama, Harry Reid, Nancy Pelosi, Barney Frank or Al Franken. Wait, almost no one voted for Al Franken. That was all stolen votes courtesy of George Soros, owner of the Democratic Party. Anyway, forget Al Franken. The point is, the best way to get a straight-up view of how a guy acts when he's not bullshitting is to observe him talking to his closest friends, which contrary to what you like to believe, is not you. How does he hold his hands when he's being honest? How does he sit, legs wide apart or crossed like a homo? What facial expressions does he make? Knowing this will come in handy when you're grilling him about "the relationship" later on.

2. Take note of his posture. If he is sitting back with his feet apart, TV remote in his right hand, beer in his left, staring blankly at the TV screen, this is his "honest posture" or "couch potato pose." A question that makes him feel threatened will cause this posture to "wake up" or "get pissed off" and he'll lean forward, or put down his beer and put one hand over his groin in unconscious fear of being sexually assaulted and castrated because you can be a real psycho at times. He may even put down the TV remote, which is a sure sign that he is feeling extremely agitated, angry, or threatened. If he turns off the TV altogether then he is pissed.

target groin

3. Know how to properly drill him for information. If you find yourself suspecting your man of deceiving you, knowing the right way to trick him is your key to success or failure in setting your trap before going apeshit crazy on his ass. Let's say you ask him if he thinks women in America are more oppressed and abused than men. If he says yes, but based on his posture you note that he has assumed the "cover the groin and run like hell" pose, you need to back off and wait for another opportunity to trap him. Knowing in advance that he is suspicious of your question can allow you to prepare a "new" question, which is simply the same question worded more deceptively in order to make it harder for him to escape.

Don't let him escape

4. Reword the question as an assumption. If you already expect him to be on his guard for your attack, turn your question around and form it as if you were one of his male friends who simply wants to know what he thinks, but isn't going to jump on his ass and rupture his testicles if he gives an honest answer. In this case, assume you are a total idiot and have no opinion of your own and then ask "do you think America abuses and oppresses either one of the sexes more than the other or have we achieved equality?" Said this way, he at least has the option of choosing a third response, rather than being forced into a corner where he has to pick one sex over the other.

5. Bait him like a fish. If you suspect he's already lying to you - maybe he recently stopped reading "Men's Health" magazine, which is basically a women's magazine for men, but he still reads "Muscle and Fitness" which is more manly and less filled with fluffy bullshit - you can use that as bait to force an explanation. Try: "why did you stop reading "Men's Health", which I liked, but you still read "Muscle and Fitness", which has fewer articles about sex?" By asking based on undeniable evidence - he definitely HAS stopped reading "Men's Health" - you are not necessarily accusing him of anything, so he won't instinctively pick up on the coming attack and assume a defensive posture, which makes it more likely that he'll give you an honest answer. And maybe he'll admit that he feels like "Muscle and Fitness" is more male-friendly than "Men's Health", which could create an opening for the question you'd been wanting to ask all along about which sex is more oppressed, only now he thinks he brought it up. SUCKA!

Jennifer Aniston

If you still think he's not being honest with you, look for common signs of deception which can help you decide if he's being honest. The following signs are a warning:

Stalling: "What? What did you say? I can't hear you because I have my fingers stuffed in my ears right now!" Or perhaps he simply repeats the question a few times, "did I sleep with your best friend? Sleep with your best friend? Did I what? What? Whaaaat?! That's crazy-talk!"

Defensiveness: "Why would I even want to sleep with her? She's not even that good-looking. I mean, if I was ever going to cheat, which I totally am not and I resent the question, but I could get plenty of much better-looking girls than that!"

Excuses: "I'm just really tired. Of course I haven't just finished having sex with your best friend! I've just had a rough day, that's all. Give me about 30 minutes and I'll be good to go."

Answering your question with a question: "Why would you even ask me such a thing? Do you think she's hot? Did she say something about having the hots for me?"

What if: "What if I said I find her attractive and would be open to a threesome? Would you consider it?"

Sudden Stupidity: "I really don't recall." "Not that I can recall at this time." Or the ever popular "that depends on what your definition of "is" is." Basically, anything ever said by either Bill or Hillary Clinton while they were under oath is a giant red flag.

Too much detail: Men are normally not talkative unless the subject at hand is sports, cars, or supermodels. If your man not only answers your question, but fills you in on every tiny detail about the entire day, when on any other day he'd simply say "yep," then you know something is not quite right.

Suddenly turning Jewish on you(Using guilt): "Why would you even think such a thing?!" "Are you saying you think I'm a bad person?!" "My mother should live to hear this, that you would think I would ever, EVER be such a cold-hearted bastard as to do THAT!"

Sounds: "Ahem", "cough" or a rising, higher-pitched voice are warnings. Farting or burping are not, as this is normal male behavior.

Qualifiers: "to be fair" or "honestly ..."

Look out for

Fidgeting: Bouncing his leg, shifting in his seat (without adjusting his junk), tapping his fingers

Face touching: Scratching his nose or chin or forehead, or all three

Fiddling: Suddenly setting his watch, tightening the screws in his glasses, spinning a ring on his finger, fiddling with a necklace or other bling

Unblinking stare: Looking you straight in the eye without blinking, yet showing no signs of anger. This is often accompanied with a widening of the eyes so that they are fully opened, far more than normal

Cleaning: Suddenly straighting items on the table or dusting

Sweat: Wiping sweat of his forehead and fanning his armpits

Andy Dick mug shot
The Stare

So there you have it. Take all of this information and arm yourself. Given enough information you can totally control your man and virtually read his mind. And honestly, isn't that what you've always wanted?
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