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Obama's Latest Supreme Court Nomination

Elena Kagan
Harvard Grrl

Well, surprise surprise, our little fatherless President has appointed a new nominee to our Supreme Court, a Ms - and believe me it's Ms - a Ms Elena Kagan. She's an old Harvard buddy of Obama financial wizard Lawrence Summers. Harvard, you may recall, is currently a haven of lesbians as well as feminist intolerance and misandry, so it should come as no surprise, particularly in light of Obama's hatred of his own sex, that Ms Kagan is apparently herself a lesbian. This is inherently obvious in simply seeing her as she speaks before Congress, but apparently pointing out the obvious is supposed to be taboo and anyone who dares to do so is immediately attacked. Hey, I'm not saying I dislike her. I know little about her. In fact, no one knows much about her because she has no experience to speak of. I'm just saying "hey look, Obama has appointed yet another lesbian feminist." Oh, and here's one other thing I'm saying - don't be surprised if one of the two worthless Republican Senators from Tennessee votes in favor of her no matter what comes out of her confirmation hearings or even if she turns out to be an America-hating, brother-murdering terrorist with a bomb in her granny-panties. There is just something terribly wrong with the Republican representatives in Tennessee and we apologize profusely for them one and all.

BP Gulf Oil Spill


Oh hey, as long as we're talking "secret knowledge" and conspiracy theories and all that jive, I have a big one for you. President "Little Boy" Obama shocked America when he signed an agreement allowing offshore drilling in the Gulf after many long years of Leftist opposition to it by his own party. It seemed almost too good to be true. And then, almost as if by divine providence, a massive explosion magically occurred on an oil rig down around Louisiana and somehow as our Federal Government stood by impotently and watched, a whole week's worth of gushing oil was allowed to pour out before anyone said "hey, maybe we should cap that sucker." Now there's all sorts of meaningless finger-pointing going on, but the one person no one has dared to point the finger at is our own Commander-In-Chief, the man who commands our U.S. Navy and even it's special forces SEAL teams that are frequently training down in the Gulf for missions that involve sabotage attacks, such as blowing up enemy oil wells and refineries. Hey, I'm not saying President Obama gave the order for our own sworn-to-secrecy special forces to make some political waves for him and give him an excuse to renege on his controversial and unexpected promise. Then again, I'm not saying he didn't. I'm just saying he could if he wanted and no one would ever know because the SEALS can't talk without being thrown into a military prison for the rest of their lives.

Pope Blames Church's Own Sins for Scandal

Pope Benedict XVI
Pope Benedict "Benny" XVI

The Pope, in a rare display of genuine leadership in this world of cover-your-ass politics, has finally come out and said that the Catholic Church itself is responsible for all of these young boys and girls being molested and abused by pedophilic and perverted priests and nuns. "The greatest persecution of the church doesn't come from enemies on the outside but is born from the sins within the church," Pope Benny said. "The church needs to profoundly relearn penitence, accept purification, learn forgiveness but also justice." Many Tea Party activists are said to have emailed The Pope's statements to local Republican Party leaders along with notes saying "Hey, here's a great idea for some of you bastards to try!"

Drifting Satellite Threatens US Cable TV

Beep! Beep! Crash!

A communications satellite, allegedly knocked out of its orbit by global warming according to White House sources, is threatening to knock out cable television signals for the entire United States, prompting President Obama to declare a national state of emergency. "We cannot tolerate this threat to the one lifeline my people have to the CW Network," President Obama said in a televised speech that no one saw. "Therefore, I am ordering NASA to drop everything and get up there to fix it right away." NASA has indicated that it would take weeks or even months to get a racially and "gender"-correct astronaut up there to deal with the crisis. The US Air Force, meanwhile, has offered to shoot the satellite down, a proposal the White House is said to be considering.

Democrats Steal Mojave Desert Cross After Losing Lawsuit

That Old Stolen Cross

Intolerant, Left-Wing Hate Criminals have stolen the Mojave Desert Cross erected to honor the fighting men killed in wars following the Supreme Court's ruling against the antiChrist ACLU of California who sought to destroy it. The U.S. Justice Department was looking into the case, but has indicated that as long as Barack Obama is President they will make no effort to do anything to solve the crime.

Conservative Cameron Becomes British PM


Conservative David Cameron became Britain's new prime minister on Tuesday after he accepted the invitation from Queen Elizabeth to form a new government following the resignation of Gordon Brown. Cameron, at 43, is the youngest Prime Minister in nearly 200 years. Thus ends 13 years of Labour Party rule, even as their American counterparts, the Democratic Party, are enjoying the peak of their power in the United States by imitating virtually every single move the Labour Party made during its reign. "Obama likes to think of himself as the black Tony Blair," an unnamed White House source said. "Sometimes he even makes us call him 'Tony'."

California Woman Guilty of Raping, Killing Little Girl

Rapist and Murderer

Melissa Huckaby, 29, has plead guilty to the kidnapping, drugging, rape and murder of 8-year-old Sandra Cantu in Tracy, California. Charges against her for drugging a 7-year-old girl as well as a 37-year-old man were dropped as part of her plea agreement. All other charges — including two involving rape and lewd or lascivious conduct with a child under 14 — were also dropped under the agreement. Huckaby now faces 25 years to life in prison without the possibility of parole when she is sentenced next month. Unlike in cases in which women sexually assault and/or murder men and subsequently receive virtually no punishment, cases in which women harm children often result in their receiving the sentence that they actually deserve. Thus it is expected that Melissa Huckaby will receive the longest possible sentence and be sent to a women's prison where the other women will abuse her for the rest of her life by refusing to allow her into any of their cliques and talking nasty shit about her behind her back.

U.S. Still Searching for Mysterious Market Plunge Cause

Shapiro don't know

The top U.S. securities regulator said they have "no clue" what caused Thursday's mysterious market plunge but promised that additional safeguards were coming. "We think either someone flushed a commodities toilet while currency was in the shower or else someone with access to an army of military-style hackers did this as part of a test, someone like, oh I don't know, China perhaps," the unnamed regulator said offhandedly. "China or George Soros," he added, referring to the infamous currency trader who made billions of dollars in a single day by allegedly rigging the market against the British pound in the early 1990s and raking in the cash rewards. Mr. Soros is rumored to have used his subsequent wealth to take control over the United Nations and later the Democratic Party, even hand-picking then-senator Barack Obama for the job of President.

U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission Chairman Mary Schapiro said it would take time to pinpoint the cause but reiterated that the Government is notoriously inept and likely will "never figure this shit out." She promised that it would probably not happen again and crossed her fingers with her right hand while tapping the surface of the podium with her left and saying, "knock on wood."

Arizona Governor Signs Bill Ending Racist Indoctrination Classes

Jan "the man" Brewer

Arizona Governor Jan Brewer, in a rare display of guts and leadership, on Tuesday signed a bill eliminating racially segregated classes in Arizona public schools which teach racial supremacy and hatred of the white race. Only hours before, the infamous UN Human Rights Commission, made up of representatives from the world's terrorist nations, issued a report condemning any attempt to end the dogmatic and fanatical classes. Exactly why a bunch of UN terrorists issued a report about racist classes in Arizona is as yet unknown, as it is so clearly none of their business. Governor Brewer's signature on the bill Tuesday comes less than a month after she signed the nation's toughest crackdown on illegal immigration, causing a huge uproar among imported criminals, and eliciting cheers and great admiration from the law-abiding citizens. "It's been a very long time since we've seen any leaders with balls," said Anthony Mann, a registered Republican "and I think it's a sad statement on American manhood that it took a woman to do it, but whatever, if she ever runs for President she's got my vote already. It's about damn time that we had some leaders in this country instead of a bunch of damn politicians." Protests by celebrities in Los Angeles have already begun. Lindsay Lohan is said to have marched naked in the streets insisting that she won't wear clothes again until Arizona is invaded and "bombed out of existence." The New York Times, a formerly relevant newspaper, has issued a statement comparing Governor Brewer to former Alabama Governor George Wallace. Perez Hilton, a blogger only slightly more relevant than the New York Times, has declared that Governor Brewer "is terribly ugly and has bad taste in pantsuits."

And now, compare and contrast ...

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