June's First Humpday

I got behind a Saab in traffic this morning. Saabs are like the Tasmanian tiger, thought to be extinct, but every now and then someone reports seeing one. I see them here and there, on very rare occasions. Every time I do, I think to myself, "who the hell buys those things? How are they still in business?"

Invariably, if I get next to a Saab it is almost always driven by a black person. I don't know why that is. I've noticed that a lot of Volvos are also driven by black people and I wonder about that as well. It doesn't get much "whiter" than Volvo, but something about them seems to appeal to a certain segment of the black population. I've never thought to ask. It's just one of those phantom thoughts that passes through my mind and then back out again before I can do anything with it. Maybe I should put some sort of poll on the internet?

When I was working at the Big Memphis Express Shipping Company, I briefly had a coworker who drove a real piece-of-shit Saab that he dragged all the way down from New York City with him when he came to work for us. He was an Orthodox Jew straight from the Jewish Harlem of New York, whatever that means. I think he had a summer home in the Catskills or something. Anyway, he was an odd sort of guy, with squeaky black leather shoes, black pants held up by suspenders, a white button-down shirt with a tie, and a yalmulka. And, of course, thick glasses on his face. He would entertain me with politically incorrect jokes that few men can get away with telling in public. It wasn't the sort of thing you'd expect your local rabbi to go around saying, but it made me laugh my ass off. Anyway, his Saab got broken into and the radio was stolen out of it. He was pretty upset about it. It seems the ingenius Memphis thieves merely had to grab one of his windows and pull and it just came right out of the tracks. They laid the window glass on the roof of the car and opened the door to get to the stereo. It was a piece of shit stereo, just like the car itself, but they took it anyway. That's just how we roll in Memphis.

Has anyone ever seen a customized Saab before? I know I haven't. I'm waiting for the day I run across a black man in a Saab with his seat laid back, driving all slouched over and leaning towards the console, with his baseball hat on crooked, rolling along on 24 inch rims with the spinners on them that keep spinning around even when the car is stopped, a nasty metallic lavender paint job, and a thumpin' stereo.

Well, I guess it won't likely have the thumpin' stereo seeing as all it takes to steal it is to pull on one of the windows.

Saab - who drives these things?

I've been having a lot of dreams over the past week. I'm stressed at work and our seasons are shifting into Summer, so maybe the combination of the two has influenced my sleep patterns? I don't know. My dreams aren't bad, mostly. But I keep waking up, like four times per night, and I realize I have been dreaming heavily. So far none of the dreams have been anything terribly exciting. I haven't dreamed about having sex with Jessica Biel or flying like Superman or anything. It's all been relatively ordinary things like driving to the store or talking to people I very much wish to see. I wouldn't be surprised if one of these nights I dream about sitting in a recliner watching television. It's just mostly been those sorts of dreams. Of course, when the morning comes I'm frequently tired. I feel happy, for the most part, because I spent all night talking to people I wanted to talk to. I guess it's like sitting around a table at a bar drinking with friends, except I never get a bill for it. This could also explain the waking up four times a night and going to pee.


Our President is trying to act all presidential about the BP oil spill. And our media keeps saying it's worse than the Exxon Valdez spill. Well, of course it is - it's an oil well, not a damn ship! It has many times the amount of oil any ship can contain and it is currently spewing it out into the Gulf. And why is this well so far out in the Gulf and so unreachably far underwater? Why, because our environmental extremists demanded that there be no oil wells inland or in the shallow waters because it might be 'dirty' and there might be a leak or two. So they forced the oil companies deep out into the ocean, where a leak that could easily be fixed in a matter of hours inland, or perhaps a whole day in shallow water, is a fucking nightmare to deal with when it is way down deep at the bottom of the ocean where no oil company would wish to drill unless it was forced to.

How did they get this far out into the ocean?

Our fatherless President is posturing and thumping his fists on the podium as he swears that BP will pay for this horrible atrocity. I'd like to know when the idiots who pushed the oil companies out into the depths of the ocean are going to be held accountable. This could have easily been avoided if we'd stop letting the most narcissistic and fanatical of zealots run our country.

To Steal, Kill and Destroy

When I was a little kid, every summer my entire family would pile into our Dodge van and drive 15 hours or so halfway across the United States to visit relatives in Texas. Along the way, we'd pass countless oil rigs pumping away in fields all through Texas. Today those same fields are doing fine. There is no giant environmental disaster marring the countryside in Texas. They've had oil wells all over the state for 100 years. Yet today our most religious of fanatical Leftists decry these wells as an atrocity and demand that all drilling in the United States stop immediately. Send it out to sea. Or better yet, let the entire rest of the world drill, even in our backyard, just so long as we don't do it. Let the Mexicans drill for oil. Let Brazil do it. Let the communist Chinese come into the Gulf of Mexico and drill alongside BP. The environmentalists in America are fine with that. Just so long as we don't pump a single drop of oil ourselves.

And no nuclear plants, either, because those are evil!

Oh no, we're going to be "progressive", which is to say, we're going to stop all progress and step back in time to giant windmills like they have in Holland. We're going to wear wooden shoes and clothing made by weaving blades of grass together. We might allow lithium battery power, but only if the lithium comes from somewhere else. Don't anyone dare to search for it here in the United States.

Oh no, we're going to wrap the entire country, hell, the entire planet, in a big plastic bag, and then we're going to suck all the air out of it to help preserve everything like Grandma's favorite orange felt couch from the 1970s, and we're going to force every living thing off the planet in order to "save" it.

Yep, because we're idiots.

No drilling anywhere ever!

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