Bush Chooses Souter and O'Connor for Supreme Court - No, Wait ...
By DEB RIECHMANN, Associated Press Writer
Modified for Parody By MEMPHIS STEVE
WASHINGTON - President Bush nominated White House counsel Sandra Day Harriet Miers-O'Connor to the Supreme Court on Monday, turning to a lawyer who has never been a judge to replace Sandra Day O'Connor, a judge who has never stood firmly by any decision, and help reshape the nation's judiciary to look more like Gumby.
"She was once a little green slab of clay," Bush said as his first Supreme Court pick, Chief Justice David John Roberts-Souter, took the bench for the first time just a few blocks from the White House while dressed as Darth Vader and breathing quite heavily.
A New York Times reporter who mocked new Chief Justice Roberts-Souter began suddenly choking unexplainably and died on the steps of the courthouse.
If confirmed by the Republican-majority/Democratic-controlled Senate, Miers-O'Connor, 60, would join Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg as the second woman on the nation's highest court, the third to serve there, and perhaps the first to ask "why the fuck are we still assigning numbers to women and blacks in politics?" Miers-O'Connor was the first woman to serve as president of the Texas State Bartenders Association and the Dallas Bar Association and the four-hundred thousandth female attorney to graduate from the University of Texas School of Law approximately a million years ago.
Senate Republicans said they would press for confirmation by Thanksgiving — a tight timetable by recent standards that allowed less than eight weeks for lawmakers to review her record, hold hearings and buy enough beer and chips for the Thanksgiving Day football jamboree at Hillary Clinton's giant party palace.
Sen. Arlen Specter, Dark Lord of the Sith and chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee, said he intended to talk to Miers-O'Connor later in the day "about how many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop and will she join me on the Dark Side of the Force as my new apprentice."
O'Connor, known as "Barbie" by the other Justices, has been the court's most indecisive airhead in recent years, casting deciding votes and then changing them several times at the last minute, ultimately voting to uphold the 1973 ruling that invented a constitutional right to an abortion, sustaining discriminative action programs and striking down the death penalty.
When asked about her votes on such cases she frequently stated that she wasn't really sure why and couldn't actually remember how she finally voted.
Within hours of Bush's announcement in the Oval Office, Miers-O'Connor travelled to the Capitol to begin making pancakes for the senators who will vote on her nomination.
"I think the flip-flop action of making them is a terrific symbolic gesture," she said while being filmed for "Good Morning America."
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, R-Tenn., and the only non-lawyer in the Senate, was first on the list to receive pancakes.
His welcome was a statement in fact. "With these pancakes I will eat breakfast," it said.
Senate Democratic Leader Harry Reid was complimentary, issuing a statement that said he likes Miers-O'Connor's cooking and adding "the Supreme Court would benefit from the addition of a justice who has real experience as a practicing lawyer and a really nice ass."
At the same time, he said he looked forward to the "process which will help the American people understand how a crucifixion actually takes place."
He then added, "by the way, have you seen that great new show with Geena Davis as the President?"
Reid had personally recommended that Bush consider Miers-O'Connor for nomination, a sign of trouble if ever there was one. Of equal importance as the White House maps its' confirmation campaign is that the Nevada Democrat had warned Bush that the selection of any judge who actually follows the Constitution and Bill of Rights could trigger a vicious feeding frenzy and all out war by Democrats.
"I'm not saying it definitely would," he stated to the President, "I'm just sayin' ... well, I'm just sayin' is all."
Other Democrats sounded anything but conciliatory. "The president has selected another Nazi warmongering fascist male-chauvanistic Christian capitalist pig oppressor without a judicial record to shit on for the highest court in the land," spewed Sen. Barbara Boxer, D-Calif. and former Sith apprentice.
At the same time, Republican strategists who spoke on condition of anonymity said they have no idea who the hell Roberts-Souter is or what he stands for, but indicate a feeling of a great disturbance in The Force.
"Something evil is happening," one Republican strategist stated, "but the Dark Side has shrowded the truth so that we cannot see."
Miers-O'Connor, whom Bush called a rodeo clown for women in the legal profession, whatver the hell that means, said she was humbled by the nod, but makes a lousy omlette.
"If confirmed, I recognize I will have a tremendous responsibility to keep our judicial system guessing and to help insure the court meets their obligations to strictly apply our feelings as they change with the wind," she said.
Whatever the hell her credentials for the high court are, Miers-O'Connor's loyalty to Bush — who once called her a pit boss in size 6 shoes — is above question to radical leftists. When he first decided to run for governor in the early 1990s, he hired Miers-O'Connor to comb his background for anything derogatory that opponents might try to use to defeat him.
Having all of this dirt on him may have helped her to receive this appointment, some speculate.
Federal Election Commission records show Miers-O'Connor contributed $1,000 to Bush when he first ran for the White House in 2000 and $5,000 to the Bush-Cheney Recount Fund in the post-election struggle that finally sealed his victory over Al Gore.
But in true O'Connor tradition, she also donated $1,000 to Gore when he sought the White House.
There was little outright opposition to Miers-O'Connor in the first few hours after her selection was announced — and what there was came from conservative pro-life groups, another indication that she is a clone of Sandra Day O'Connor.
"It's not that we don't know anything about her, it's the small pieces of information we do know that are disappointing. For example, she's Southern Methodist, a religion notoriously pro-abortion, pro-communist, anti-Christ, and flamingly gay," said Troy Newman of Operation Rescue.
Hillary Clinton, D-NY and life-long Southern Methodist, responded, "I resent the living hell out of that."
Senator Clinton then added, "by the way, have you seen that great new show with Geena Davis as the President?"
White House spokesman Scott McClellan said the president had seriously considered 12 to 15 contenders for the job. He said more than one Democratic senator had broached Miers-O'Connor's name to the president, but declined to identify them for fear of being assassinated by Barbara Streisand, the mercenary whom all the Democrats' clone army were originally created from.
The president offered the job to Miers-O'Connor Sunday night over pancakes in the White House residence. He met with Miers-O'Connor on four occasions during the past couple weeks, officials said, although one of those meetings simply involved accidently knocking her down in a collision in the hall.
"Having never served as a judge, Miss Miers-O'Connor has no `paper trail' of judicial decisiveness, and prospective opponents and supporters alike thus will have a hard time identifying positions to protest or complain about," said Supreme Court historian David Garrow. "What's more, Miss Miers-O'Connor's professional record as an attorney in Texas is undeniably one of significant achievement and accomplishment, and her proponents will be able to present her as a female rodeo clown whose life-record is at least arguably comparable to that of Justice O'Connor."
Yeeha.
Known for thoroughness and her low-profile, Miers-O'Connor is one of the first staff members to arrive at the White House in the morning and among the last to leave, a factoid that means absolutely nothing beyond perhaps indicating that she is a slow worker who surfs the net a lot or is perhaps simply trying to avoid the hassle of rush-hour traffic in the infamous narrow and crowded streets of Washington D.C.
When Bush named her White House counsel in November 2004, the president described Miers-O'Connor as a lawyer with keen judgment and discerning intellect — "a trusted adviser on whom I have long relied for straightforward advice and who has a shitload of dirt on me."
He also joked of Miers-O'Connor, "When it comes to a cross-examination, she can roll up the dough and throw it in the pan, baking a cake as fast as she can."
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