The radio was playing and I had no idea what I was listening to. Somehow I ended up on AM listening to a preacher. I think I used to know who he is, but lately without sleep I don't know much of anything. He was talking to Reggie White. I thought Reggie White was dead. Maybe this is a tape of an old show?
If Ass Rider Boy made an appearance I sure didn't notice. He could have clipped me and I wouldn't know. I'm tired.
Today I did manage to pass a truck pulling a trailer and hauling a heavy load. It was a 2-lane road and wet, but it was the only legal passing zone on it and I made good use of it. I don't know why the person in the truck stuck directly behind him didn't pass, but that's not my concern. Anyway, I had no trouble getting by him. Yesterday this would have been impossible. I was too tired to even try.
Prior to passing the truck I passed an ancient fossilized woman driving a Lincoln Town Car. We were stopped at the brief 4-lane section of road where Ass Rider Boy first passed me long ago. Fossilized Woman sped up leaving the red light to try and stop anyone from getting by. You'd think her 302 could out pull my 4 cylinders, but somehow it must have known it was working for an old lady and so it didn't try all that hard. Or maybe it was just tired like me. Anyway, as expected, she slowed her ass right back down as soon as 3 of us escaped her and the road went back down to 1 lane each way.
What is it about having a long line of cars piled up behind that makes some old ladies feel happy and secure? My Dad is old, but he prefers to let people pass. My Mom is old and she likes to screw them over. She even talks about it out loud as she's doing it. This is how I learned the psychology of passive/aggressive feminists in traffic. If not for Mom's verbalizations with me in the car as a child I might never have suspected how much is truly intentional and malicious.
When I moved to Memphis people joked with me, "how about this Memphis traffic, eh? Heh heh. The worst you've ever seen, right?"
Nope. Not by a long shot. Try driving in my hometown, down where My Mom and all her friends are on the road with you. Then we'll talk about nasty traffic.
In Memphis, most of the really bad screw-jobs I've received have appeared to me, even as suspicious and paranoid/insane as I am, to be the result of total stupidity. Let's face it, Memphis has a large supply of Tremendously Stupid People. They cut you off or ram into you because they are retarded and can barely spell their own name, not because they want to play games and think, "he's only passing me because I'm a WOMAN!"
Yes, My Mom and her friends actually used to say this, "he's only passing me because I'm a WOMAN," out loud as some high school boy passed them in the right hand lane during school traffic. The fact that they were in the passing lane going 25 or 30 mph and tapping their brakes at him in a very conscious effort to fuck with him for absolutely no reason always escaped their logic process. Somehow they just couldn't fathom concepts of cause and effect.
You see, in my hometown, especially in the south end, when someone screws you in traffic it is frequently on purpose. Everyone living there has at least an undergraduate college degree and works in engineering or education. Many have advanced degrees. All work for the U.S. Government. They are not stupid people. Also, there is a game that occurs in my hometown traffic and it usually begins with My Mom or someone like her.
The game goes like this: get in the passing lane and block traffic. Go slow until a man comes up behind you. Then begin tapping your brakes at him to show irritation, as if he's riding your tail unreasonably. When he tries to pass, speed up and get next to a slow moving vehicle in the right lane. Then stay next to that vehicle so The Man cannot pass. Slow down again when he gets back behind you. Tap brakes. Should no slow cars be handy and The Man threaten to successfully pass, speed up as much as is necessary to keep him from getting by. No speed is too great a risk or in any way unreasonable. Repeat entire process as necessary until The Man escapes or (hopefully) is killed.
If The Man escapes, either by passing on a side access road or shoulder or turning lane, by outsmarting you, or simply by refusing to play by slowing down and letting someone else get between the two of you, get angry about it and look for another man to take out your "It's Because I'm A Woman" Conspiracy Theory-fueled anger on. Repeat all the livelong day.
Very important rule to remember: never, ever turn your head to see where The Man is. Always use only your mirrors so as to maintain the illusion of complete innocence.
"I had no idea he was there. He just all of a sudden appeared out of nowhere. He must have been going too fast or something. I know I did nothing wrong."
Adding to the problem is this: after The Man has escaped the trap he is probably angry. Now when he comes upon someone else moving slowly he isn't sure if they are moving slowly to irritate him or simply because they live in a nearby city where sleeping while driving is considered acceptable. He may begin fighting with this new driver out of frustration from the previous insane Nazi driver. So this new driver gets dragged into the game/fight for no good reason.
The new driver now is angry, too. Everyone loses. 5 bonus points are awarded to the Game Initiator.
Repeat this process endlessly and you have traffic in my hometown.
In comparison, Memphis traffic goes like this: Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver wants to pull out of gas station and go left while talking on cell phone. It is rush hour. The traffic is bumper to bumper and at a dead stop all along the gas station. Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver cannot conceive of pulling into the flow going right and then turning around at first safe opportunity. This would apparently require studying Calculus or something. So instead, Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver tries to jam their car into the line of cars and force their way through against the flow of traffic, all the while still talking on their cell phone and honking angrily at any car that does not reverse and make room for them to squeeze in (blocking them just long enough to miss the green light.)
The left turning lane in this traffic jam goes first with the green arrow and so is briefly clear as this is occurring. As that light begins to change a car will inevitably come along driving fast to try to make the light. At about this same time Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver will push through and stick the nose of their car into this turning lane. The coming car crashes into the side of them at high speed, often injuring both drivers.
Worst of all, it interrupts the Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver's cell phone call. Egads!
Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver does not understand what they did wrong. They feel angry because their car is smashed and they are completely at fault. Of course they have no insurance.
Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver calls attorney Corey B. Trotz and sues their victim. Mentally Retarded Memphis Jury sympathizes with Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver because most of them do the same stupid thing in traffic every single day, so they rule in favor of Mentally Retarded Memphis Driver.
Repeat endlessly until every single person in Memphis is driving either a full-sized pickup or SUV in order to protect themselves and their family from the stupidity of the many, many Mentally Retarded Memphis Drivers.
But enough about this. The point is, I am exceedingly tired and driving in a daze. And I am not the only one. Yesterday I saw a man in a Chevy Yukon rear-end a woman in a Cadillac Escalade at a red light. It was a really slow speed wreck, about 2 mph, but because all new trucks have plastic and foam for bumpers it did some damage anyway. Everyone in traffic seemed to be moving slow, including me. And no, yesterday I did not bother to pass a single living soul no matter how slow they went. I was too tired to even care.
In fact, I was so tired that I think I listened to The River on the radio while driving home without realizing it for quite some time. I am so embarrassed.
Today I plan to take my tired ass to the gym after work and try to build some tired muscles. Tired workouts usually don't go spectacularly well, but what can I do? I'm tired and I need to work out. Tough luck. And if everyone really is as tired as I am then very few people will be there. This leaves all the equipment free for me to use. Bonus!
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