Well, except for possibly Farrah Fawcett.
Or Tawny Kitaen.
Or Brynn Hartman.
OK, but anyway, she's a rolling train wreck. She's crashed her enormous ugly Jaguar into more Americans than anyone in history. She usually hits people doing over 100 mph, and yet she always manages to stagger away relatively unhurt.
Recently she was in the news for crashing her Jag through the living room window of her husband, John Ford's, girlfriend's house in My Little Redneck Town. He bought her the house and was supposedly divorcing Tamara. I guess Tamara couldn't figure out why he was leaving her crazy ass so she drove over to The New Bitch's house to find out. Naturally, being a Memphis politician's wife, she didn't see the need to park her car in the driveway where it might get dirty so she parked it in the woman's living room instead.
She does this all the time.
Before this she hit a guy in Alabama. He was driving a full-sized Chevy truck. She hit him so hard that it flipped his truck through the air, where it landed upside down in a ditch. She was unhurt. The man ended up in the hospital and tried to sue her.
Trying to sue a Memphis politician or his wife is like trying to charge Bill Clinton with sexual harassment. Good luck, sucker.
Prior to this there were countless other exciting car crashes and soap opera-like events involving the often imitated but never duplicated Tamara Mitchell-Ford. She always gets away with it, being both a trial lawyer and the wife of a member of the Ford Political Machine via crazy-ass marriage. You can't sue her and you can't get justice.
Ah, but one time a miracle occurred. She skipped out on her court date here in My Redneck Town. Our residing judge is unaccustomed to her antics and so he put out a warrant. After a long string of craziness she actually wound up in prison.
Shelby County has some mean, nastified women and our prisons are the best place to find them.
Princess Mitchell-Ford wasn't in the pokey for long before some of the grrlz took a disliking to her "don't you know who I am" attitude. They whooped her ass up good. So she went on the news, all swollen and bandaged, crying about how bad she was being treated in her new Memphis home. The news reporters were thrilled. What a story! This was what the whole state of Tennessee had been waiting to see.
Not six months later she is back in the news again, mysteriously out of prison and pregnant. How did she get knocked up? She says her ex-hubby, Johnny Ford, gave her another baby. But she also says they were never really divorced.
Oh Lord, you mean she's got kids?!
Yep, 3 already. Sometimes when she has one of her Smokey and the Bandit car adventures there are kids with her. They must be made out of the same stuff she is because I've never heard any reports of them being hurt either.
You know, Jaguar really should hire her to advertise their cars. Everyone around here is wondering if those Jags are more indestructible than a 1969 Buick because of all the things she's done in them and somehow never been hurt or killed.
So, Tammy is about to have her fourth child. She was on TV last night, dressed like Mama Walton and completely clean and sober. She said she's had some difficulties in the past, but that it is all behind her now. She is a changed woman.
For the sake of her kids I sure hope so. But if not you can bet she'll be on this blog. She's more fun than a barrel of monkeys on crack.
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