1. Have kids. Yes, for many of you this is just ridiculous. After all, you have several of them and you like to joke that you’d trade them for something else. Well, I’ll take that trade.
2. Fly an airplane. If lessons weren’t so danged expensive I’d be flying now.
3. Fly a helicopter. If lessons weren't so UNGODLY expensive I’d be flying now.
4. Make a phenomenally long and high jump on a dirt bike. So far I’ve just had to jump whatever was available. My last jump I came down so hard the muffler came off. I had to ride home with it in my lap. It was very hot. I was unhappy, but the jump itself went well.
5. Run my Chevelle down a quarter mile track and see what times I can get with me behind the wheel. I already know what the previous owner did, but the car can do a lot better if the rear is set up right.
6. Make several million dollars. Since the economy isn’t cooperating I guess I’m going to have to follow the crowd and find a way into the real estate market.
7. Catch the people who have been trying to murder my wife and me and put them in prison. They’ve earned it.
Seven things you can do:
1. Run fast. I’m not as fast as I used to be, but I still seem to be faster than most people I meet. But since I’m quitting soccer I won’t have many opportunities to judge this anymore.
2. Remember almost every word of a conversation, including who said what. Even several years later.
3. Swap engines. I don’t plan on using this skill any time soon, but it does come in handy sometimes.
4. See through bullshit and marketing to the real intent behind the smokescreen. Unfortunately, it really doesn’t matter what is. It just matters what people think is. I see this more and more every day. And I hate it.
5. I can squeeze my tiny truck into parking spaces next to stupid and/or obnoxious people who took up 2 spaces. I fit anyway. Sorry if you can’t get in your badly parked car anymore, jackass.
6. I used to play the guitar. I don’t anymore. I know I still could, but I can’t remember any of the songs I used to play. I remember there was a lot of Judas Priest and Iron Maiden and Styx. But beyond that I’d just be sitting there holding the guitar and trying to remember.
7. Write for hours about absolutely nothing. Somehow this entertains me.
Seven things you can't do:
1. Be gay. I hear women friends of mine all the time saying they could be a lesbian if the right girl came along, such as Angelina Jolie. But from my perspective I can’t imagine any guy that could inspire me to want to be gay. I do believe that any one of us, given the right motivation, can change sexual orientation if needed, but it would take some serious motivation for me to switch. There are just too many hot women and not a single man’s butt that I desire.
2. Witness a bad car wreck without getting out and seeing if everyone is alive.
3. Watch Rosie O’Donnell making an impassioned speech about much of anything. I’m so sick of guilt-plagued filthy rich entertainers spewing their new-found religion all over their audience, only to turn around and vomit their hatred of religious people in the next breath.
4. Throw a good fast-ball. I used to have a good rising sidearm pitch, but it was no fastball. And my curveball was ok, last time I threw one. But that’s about all.
5. Stand Memphis for one more year. We gotta get outta this place, if it’s the last thing we ever do.
6. Drive around with a political bumpersticker on my car. If I ever feel the need for any more hassles in traffic I’ll just start flicking people off. I don’t need a sticker to inspire random acts of shitheadedness.
7. Listen to Hillary Clinton making a speech without rolling my eyes.
Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex:
1. Boobs. They don’t have to be big. Quality is the thing. From Almost A to DD and anything in between, it’s the quality that counts.
2. Butt – nice and firm like a runner.
3. Tiny Waist, or as my black coworker calls it, an onion. “she got a onion. Look at that tiny waist and that big old round butt. Oh YEAH!” I don’t need the whole onion, although I’ll take it. But I love a tiny waist.
4. Long beautiful hair. Don’t cut that hair, Stacy!
5. Sense of humor. If she can’t laugh then what are we gonna talk about the REST of the time?
6. Heart of gold - what good are looks if the heart is black and cold?
7. Friendly smile and eyes that don’t look ‘through’ me. Hard-to-get doesn’t get got by me. If I don’t think you are interested then I won’t hang around. I did enough of that when I was young and stupid. No more.
Seven things you say the most:
1. Oh FUCK! (My computer hears this one a lot.)
2. Let me get some coffee first and then we’ll get started. (at work)
3. Oooooh DAMMIT! (Again, my computer is often on the receiving end of this.)
4. Kitty kitty kitty (if I whisper it over and over Booger Bear will start beating his tail on the carpet and eventually turn around to see what I want.)
5. I love you
6. Hey cutie
7. Hey girlie (I have no idea when I started saying this or where I got it from.)
Seven celebrity crushes: (difficult to just pick seven!)
1 Heather Graham
2 Heather Locklear
3 Jenny McCarthy
4 Debbie Dunning (Pamela Anderson’s replacement on “Tool Time”)
5 Pamela Anderson (Pre-implants, pre-Tommy)
6 Kristy Swanson (the original Buffy the Vampire Slayer)
7 Elizabeth Hurley
Seven people you want to see to take this quiz:
1. Elisabeth
2. Mr Wandering Mind
3. Artful Laura
4. Stephanie D.
5. Mama Duck
6. Porkchop
7. Queen of Slackers
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