Yeeha! - Redneck fun
In My Little Redneck Town, where the worst criminals are almost all white rednecks, if you catch a redneck in the act of committing a crime, or worse, if you call the police on them, you will be arrested and charged with their crime. Consequently, people who know the rules around here don't call the police much.
It makes perfect sense. See, little Billy Joe, or Billie Joe, depending on whether it's a boy or a girl and you care enough to ask, is the son or daughter, niece or nephew, neighbor or underage lover, of all of the higher-ups in the Little Redneck Town Police Department, Fire Department, and offices of all the city officials. They are closer than a tic on a cow's butt. Closer than Michael Jackson to the boys in his bed. Closer than Paula Poundstone to her local Girl Scout troop. Blood is thicker than water. Inbreeding breeds corruption.
In short, you ain't from 'round here and they is, so you jes' better shut up about what you saw 'n what they done did.
And if they 'done did' it to you and you call the police, well, you'll be sorry. If you stopped them in the act you'll be arrested and charged with assaulting them, especially of they assaulted you. And if you saw them, but can't identify them then the crime will be blamed on some loser who can barely form a sentence, let alone supply an alibi for the time in question, and nothing will ever be done. No investigation will occur and no detectives will ever come out to talk to anyone about anything. They already know who did it and they are working overtime to cover their bright red, rebel flag covered asses. And so it will happen again. And again. And again.
I don't mean to paint a bad picture of the cops on the beat in My Little Redneck Town. Morale among the lower ranks is understandably quite low. They take the report and genuinely intend to see something done about the crimes committed. It's when the Officer In Charge shows up that the trouble starts. It's when anyone who is "in" with the higher ups and on the "right" track comes along to take charge of the investigation that the problems begin. Because their job is not to solve anything. Their job is to cover up the whole thing and make sure that if anything has to be reported, if anything at all is going to be heard by any county, state, or federal law enforcement agency, that SOMEONE is blamed and that someone must not be the person or persons truly responsible, because that's Bubba's boy or girl, and Bubba is a close friend and/or relative.
This means that a lot of innocent people are charged with crimes, usually some sort of felony to really shake them and shut them up. Then, at the last minute and only moments before trial, they are offered a plea bargain.
'Yeah, you say you did it and we'll say all you did was some misdemeanor. See, we're not bad people. We just want to help you.
And cover our asses.'
You'll never see any of those "no deals" bumperstickers in My Little Redneck Town. The "deals" are for the truly innocent, usually the real victims. They make the victims feel as if they dodged a bullet and sometimes they'll even be grateful to the assholes without thinking about the fact that they should never have been charged in the first place. Meanwhile, the Redneck Town reports to the Feds that we are tough on crime and handling everything just fine, thanks, with no need for any sort of Federal oversight or assistance. Please don't come any closer or you might see what is going on here.
So, once again the pickup trucks are on the warpath. This hardly qualifies as a massive crime-spree. No one even notices anymore. This happens in an almost seasonal pattern here. Bubba and Bubbette get drunk and go out in their brand new Ford F-series monster truck or jacked up Chevy 4x4 Suburban, and they just smash the living shit out of whatever they can find, which has included lots and lots of mailboxes, several telephone boxes, brick church signs, wooden privacy fences, and brick neighborhood signs. They also use their trucks to run people off the road, even if they have to drive the wrong way down the highway in order to do it. And they WILL hit you head-on if you don't turn off into the ditch to avoid them because they know that should you collide some magic will occur and the police report will indicate that it was YOU who was at fault, even though you were on the correct side of the road and in your own lane. Yes, magic happens with police reports in Redneckville and all laws, like our Constitution over the past 50 years or so, is just part of a "living" document, subject to change at any given time depending on who is involved and whose good buddy they are. It's all "relative" here.
In My Little Redneck Town any sign that says "I don't dial 911" has a totally different meaning than most people think. It means "I don't bother because I know better than to trust the police."
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