Reveal
What Is Your Most Embarrasing Moment
Well, I’m sure there are many, so I’ll just start writing and see which one comes out. Back when I was single and living in My HomeTown I joined a church softball team from the singles department. There was one woman in particular that I had a massive crush on. At this particular game I was put at catcher for some odd reason. I never play catcher, but this game they put me there. And she just happen to be standing behind the screen in front of the bleachers not 5 feet from me, watching. Someone popped up a sacrifice to send the guy on third home. Our fielder tried to hum it in to me. I put my glove up and was trying to watch the ball and the runner at the same time. The ball didn’t have enough steam on it and so it took a bounce. Yes, it was one of THOSE bounces. And who wears a cup in softball, right?
Basically, it’s like being stripped naked, stretched out helpless and crying in horrible agony in front of everyone you know, and watching them laugh. It doesn’t get any more humiliating.
If You Could Be Any Animal, What Would You Be & Why
A grizzly bear because no one bothers them and they live in Alaska just wandering around, fishing and eating and screwing and sleeping and fishing and eating and screwing and sleeping. Nothing can bring them down and few men dare to even try. Give them a PC and their own blog and you've got the perfect life.
What Band/Singer You Would Never Admit Listening to
Well hell, clearly if I would never admit listening to it I’m not going to here. So it’ll have to be someone I never have listened to. Someone like … Clay Aiken. Or REO Speedwagon. Or the Spice Girls.
If the point is to list someone I will listen to that I wouldn't want anyone to catch me listening to it would have to be ABBA, or Neil Diamond, or Hank Williams Sr. Although if I were to be honest, I wouldn't really care if someone caught me listening to them. But I know I'd get hassled about it.
What is The Cheesiest Move You Could Watch Over & Over Again
Buford’s Beach Bunnies. It starred Tom Hanks’ younger brother and was sort of a semi-porn flick, but it was the damned funniest movie I ever saw. I don’t know if it just hit me the right way at the right time or if it really was all that funny because I haven’t seen it in a long time, but it killed me. I laughed my ass off and all the while I was fully aware that the story was really lame. But it was funny.
Which Superhero would you be
Well hell, last time I read comic books there was a trend of making all the female superheroes into basically super-gods in tights while the male superheroes were just regular superheroes, so I might have to actually go with a woman. Phoenix would be a good choice. They got really ridiculous with her powers at one point. And as an added bonus of switching genders while being a totally heterosexual male, all the female superheroes have incredible bodies, so there is that whole getting naked and looking at yourself anytime you want to thing, too. I suppose by now they’re making them all lesbians, which would work out fine considering it’s me in there.
How weird would that be, really, to be a lesbian having sex with a woman who turned out to actually be a man?
Which Movie Character Do You Most Identify With
Remember the movie “Falling Down” with Michael Douglas? Yeah? Well not him.
Pick any teen movie about a guy spending the entire film trying to get this hot girl he’s in love with and he is basically a loser with no shot in hell, ok? Now, take out the ending where he actually gets her ...
What Book Would You Recommend
I gotta tell you, "The Bible" is hard to beat. You can read Sun Tzu’s "Art of War," you can read Machiavelli's "The Prince," you can read Dick Morris’ "The New Prince", but all of that is in the Bible already. You just have to study and know what it’s talking about to get it. But there is so much in there that men have spent their entire lives studying it and never stopped learning new things from it. If it isn’t the inspired word of God then somebody was a freakin’ genius.
What is the Last Dream you remember
The last dream I remember was actually a sex dream. I’m trying to remember who she was. It was some movie star I’ve never met and clearly got no shot with …. I have no idea what set the dream off. I think it was Jennifer Garner, which is odd because I've never watched 'Alias.' Anyway, since I can’t remember it I’ll just tell you a more interesting dream.
I had this dream in about 1990. I was a professional motorcycle racer. Some guys asked me to drive their car in a rally in California. I said I’d do it even though I had never done it before. So, this being a dream, there was no practice laps to learn the course of anything, we just get in the cars, all 1990 Mustang GTs, and the race is started. It is in the mountains on those windy roads with no railings and the only way you know there is a turn ahead is to keep watch for those signs that show you how it curves. I was passing lots of cars and doing really well. Then I missed a sign. I didn't turn in time and went over the edge on a left turn that came up all of a sudden. I crashed into a tall tree. The car just stuck in the branches and hung there with me still in it. I had to climb down and ask people living in a house at the bottom of the hill if I could use their phone to call my pit crew. The crew came and had to figure out how to get the car down because this was a rally and after the next checkpoint the cars would stop and the race would begin again tomorrow. So I could still get back into the race if we could just get the car down. The dream went on from here, with the whole getting the car down and back to the checkpoint and everything. It was really intense.
And all of this detail was just a dream, but it was the most realistic and memorable dream I have ever had. I could feel the road and the engine and me shifting gears and everything. And I nearly shit when I flew off the road and into the tree. It was an incredible dream. I wish I could have more like that.
Or more like the sex dream with the movie star. You know, whichever.
What is Your Favourite Board Game
Chess. Not that I’m some kind of master at it or anything. I just like it.
What is Your Unusual Talent
Well, the doctors all seem pleased that I can pee in a cup most anytime I want to. But that hardly counts as a talent. Also, on a related note, on special occasions I can stand directly over the toilet (yes, straddling the damned thing) and still manage to pee in the floor. This only seems to happen when it is least convenient for it to happen, though.
I can fart just like my mom. You’d have to hear my mom fart to understand. It is fairly distinctive. I can’t really explain that one, but if you heard her fart and then you heard me do one like hers you’d go “hey, that fart sounded just like one of your mom’s farts.”
I seem to be really good at making beautiful women laugh and smile and feel really good after feeling really bad and then they go off with some other guy who made them feel bad in the first place. I guess that’s a talent. It isn’t a great talent, but it has some kind of purpose I suppose. It just doesn’t do ME any good.
I can tell you who did it in the first 10 minutes of almost any TV detective or mystery show. It’s either the white male with the weak chin, balding, and/or mustache, the white male whom you’ve seen acting in minor roles on other shows before and therefore he has some skill to play a bad guy (last night on CSI NY that was the guy who played Christina Applegate's brother on 'Jesse'), or the white male who seems to have everything going for him, but then he makes some remark that disparages women, blacks, or gays. On a rare occasion it’ll be a woman, but she has to have something about her that women don’t like. It will never be the black man or woman. And if there is a judge, it is either a black man with graying hair, a black woman with no hair, or a Jewish woman with a deep gravely cigarette voice. If the judge is a white male then he’s either going to be portrayed as incompetent or corrupt. Basically I can look at the characters in a show, see who the writers are, quickly look at the story they are starting to lay out and tell you exactly what the show is going to do from there. I don’t have to actually watch the show. I consider it a talent only in that it saves me from watching a lot of useless crap. And yes, it really annoys my wife, because she knows the second I know who did it without me even speaking a word, and for some reason she can’t do it, too. The original CSI is perhaps the only (American) show I’ve seen where this method for predicting who-done-it doesn’t work every single time. Unfortunately, this "talent" applies to a lot of movies, too.
I guess I can’t think of any really cool talents that I have, just this assorted list of poop.
I'd like to pass this one on to Retarius, but I know he hates these things. Brighton is always a good sport and always interesting. If she'll accept it, I'll pass it on to her. Has anyone passed this to Laura yet? I'd like to hear her responses, too, if she comes by and sees this.
OK, as Florida Gator Robin said earlier today, "stick a fork in me, I am done."
