That Was Unpleasant

roman nail

Friday we experienced a freeze overnight. It dropped to 29. Saturday night it dropped to 27. Of course, all the plants were green and blooming because it's Spring, for cryin' out loud. My Wife, the gardener, is busy with tax season. I was home with a plumbing nightmare and a bad cold, so it was up to me to deal with the plants.

I put black garbage bags over as many as I could. I wrapped everything else in weed block material, which breathes but keeps frost off. I took bricks from our brick pile (why we have a brick pile I can't even recall. I think the bricks were here when we moved in, but at this point only God knows) and placed them on the edges of the material to keep it from blowing away.

As I was reaching to take some bricks from a low spot against our fence I felt wood splinters from the fence board jam up underneath my fingernail.

"Aaaaaaaaah, mother FUUUUUUCK!" I politely expectorated in true Easter spirit.

wrist crucify

You know how when you hurt something really badly it shakes uncontrollably? Yeah, I was looking at my index finger with these wood splinters sticking out from under my nail and my hand was shaking. That made it twice as fun to try to pull the splinters out, as I had to chase my own hand around with my other hand.

I managed to pull out what I could see, but it still hurt.

I looked under the nail, wondering if the pain I was still in was indicative of more splinters or just the pain of the big bleeding hole I had made. I couldn't tell.

All night my finger hurt. But I'm sick, as I said, so I was already feeling a general misery. Maybe I was just extra sensitive and pussy-like because of that? It was hard to tell.

Sunday my finger hurt all day, but I was busy dealing with my cold, so I didn't have much time to worry about it. Also, I couldn't tell if anything was under my nail or not. So what was I going to do anyway? I had just been to the doctor for a minor surgery to remove a splinter from my heal about 2 weeks ago and I didn't enjoy the thought of going back for more of that.

Monday came and my finger still hurt. The mail came and I got a notice from my health insurance company that they didn't feel like paying for the minor surgery to remove the splinter from my heal. BITCHES!!!!

Tonight, as the King of Queens was ending, and I was washing the dishes (yes, I do that shit, you bitches. You KNOW you wish your husband would do that shit for you. ADMIT IT!!) I held my aching finger under the steaming hot water. Yeah, it made sense at the time somehow, causing myself still more pain for reasons I can't quite comprehend now.

Anyway, I pulled my finger out and looked at it again. It hurt, but that was all I could tell. So I came into the living room to blog. Then I looked at my finger again. It looked funny, so I tried reaching under the nail with my other index finger and thumb nails. Lo and behold, I pulled out two splinters as long as a thumbtack. Yeah, it hurt, but it doesn't now.

Pooya! Free at least, I'm free at last! I thank God I'm free at last!

I sure hope that was all of them.

roman grave crucifixion victim

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