Dear Memphis

DEAR MEMPHIS: I never thought I would write to an advice column, but here I am. I found out not too long ago that my husband (who for the longest time was the boy-next-door type) had started having flings with escorts. He's been doing it since last March. He still does it off and on. I confronted him a couple of times, and for a while things will be fine, but he eventually goes back to it again. I believe he's unaware that I know about these more recent trysts.

We have a 7-year-old son, and I don't want him growing up without his father, but then again, I don't want him growing up thinking that it's OK to cheat on his spouse when and if he gets married.

I guess my question is, should I confront my husband about this and try to work it out for our son's sake, or should I just pack my bags and slip away quietly into the night?



How do I put this delicately? When was the last time you and your husband had sex together? Your son is seven and you mention no other children. Why just the one child? I'm guessing your marriage went a little south following the birth of Junior there and you haven't exactly been fulfilling your end of the marital obligation since. I could be wrong, but if I'm right then the way to end the escort problem is simple: start doing with him what married couples are supposed to do together. Otherwise, kiss him goodbye. He's already got one foot out the door.

On the other hand, if you're doing it with him and he's hiring escorts anyway then something else is going on. I think it's called 'cheating.' You need to set things straight if this is the case: "stop it or else." He may be addicted to sex, the kinky kind of sex that men will pay high priced professionals for. To break this may require counseling and a temporary confiscation of the Viagra bottle.

Also, I'd like to ask, does he work for the corporate headquarters of a large bank in Birmingham, Alabama, by any chance? I'm just wondering because that sort of thing goes on a lot there. Well, actually, what goes on there most often is managers and their female team members getting it on for free, followed by the manager promoting the girl to a team lead position, but in this case you said he's actually paying for it. Escorts generally aren't cheap, so I immediately thought perhaps he's in management and making the big bucks.

Anyway, professional escorts are said to be mighty talented and can be addictive for that reason. You may have to make arrangements with the family doctor to slip in something else in place of the Viagra without his knowledge. A few high-priced visits that end in failure might frustrate and embarrass him enough to cool his taste for the exotic sex he's currently paying through the nose for. Just make sure that you're around to cheer him up when he comes home in a deep depression. If he's limp with them, but suddenly finds the juice is back on when he's with you, then he will likely forget about them and never even realize he's been duped. Seriously, we fall for shit like this all the time.


When A Covert Body Search Is the Answer

DEAR MEMPHIS: I am in my late 20s and about to marry a wonderful man who is in the military. I will be moving abroad, and for the first time, I will be more than a couple of hours away from my family.

They are all happy about the marriage, but my sister recently let me in on the fact that my dad, in particular, isn't handling the moving part very well. He hasn't said anything to me.

I'm closer to him than anyone else, and I'm not really sure how to help. I drive up to see them whenever I can (I have two jobs, so it's kind of hard), and he and I e-mail on a daily basis. He'll get to see me a few times a year because he travels to that part of the world for business.

I'm not sure if I can say anything that will make him feel better, but if you have any words of wisdom, I'd sure like to plagiarize them. Thanks!



Your dad is hanging onto you for dear life. You're his angel. You are everything to him. He would kill your future husband and bring you home to live with him in your old room again if he could. Now would be a great time to ask him for a new car. He still wants his little girl the way she was and he can't quite let go. Forget the car, ask for a house while you have the chance. Oh, I don't think he's going to do anything to try to stop the marriage from happening. Shootings at weddings are rare. Part of him knows that the special relationship you two have always had together must end, and he's just happy that you're happy. But part of him is so in love with you that he's absolutely dying inside at the knowledge that his angel is grown up and going away. He may fantasize about strangling the bastard who is taking you away from him, but he won't likely do it. Make sure you dance with him at the reception and let him know that you're still his girl, even if you're technically now your husband's girl. Let him tell you how proud he is of you. He may even let you see him cry for the very first time in your life. You'll probably cry, too. And while you're dancing together, slide your hands around a bit and make sure he isn't armed. Everything should be fine. He just needs a little time.


Dear Memphis is written by Memphis Steve by stealing letters from Ann Landers' daughter, Margo, because her answers were so incredibly stupid and useless. All letters must be sent via e-mail to in order for Memphis Steve to later steal them and write better answers on this blog. Due to a high volume of e-mail, not all letters will be answered or stolen. To read more about Margo Howard, get off my blog and go find it yourself.

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