The Mystical Mr. Memphis Sees the Future and Knows All

matthew winklermary winkler

Several months ago I casually mentioned on this blog that a preacher's wife had just murdered her husband. I predicted that her lawyers would claim she was the "real victim" and that she had been abused and was thus not responsible for blowing him away in cold blood. I believe I also predicted a nearly all-female jury which would buy into every bit of the horse shit defense, I mean, shocking story of her tragedy.

Several months went by and the story went quiet while she said absolutely nothing. Then suddenly it came time for her trial. She appeared with the 2 top defense attorneys in Memphis. These men cost more than most anyone can afford. I thought it odd that she was able to afford not only one of them, but two.

It turned out, of course, that they were doing her case for the awesome free publicity, I mean, for free out of the goodness of their hearts.

They hadn't been her attorneys for all of five seconds before the tired and worn out claim of "she's the real victim" began. "He abused her. He called her fat and one time she had a black eye. Thus, she didn't know what she was doing when she pulled out his shotgun from the closet, aimed it squarely at his back while he lay sleeping, much as Brinn Hartman did when murdering her husband, Phil Hartman, who as we all know because of his death was an abusive bastard who deserved to be murdered in cold blood, and she accidentally and somehow without knowing what she was doing pulled the trigger or maybe it just went off by itself without anyone pulling the trigger just like Lorena Bobbitt with the magic "I was crying and I don't remember" knife. Either way, she is the real victim here, not the father of her children whose blood was sprayed across the bedroom wall like a firehose and who was murdered virtually right in front of those children by the mysterious dazed woman holding the shotgun who may or may not have been my client, but was most certainly abused and not responsible either way."

I paraphrased just a bit, but it doesn't matter because nothing I say here is going to change anything anyway.

Even before the case began, the grrlz of the press were interviewing the woman on the street. Every single one of them, without a single exception, said "I heard she might have been abused, so I think she's innocent." This was without hearing a single piece of evidence in the trial itself and only having the word of Oprah Winfrey and the latest issue of any of the host of women's magazines out there. Yes, they had heard somewhere, and most said they couldn't even recall where, that she may have been mistreated in some way, shape or form. Thus, evidence and justice be damned, she must be set free.

Ah, The Matriarchy, where rules are ever-changing and The Law is only a vague suggestion.

When it was time for jury selection I noticed that the news around here failed to mention the makeup of the jury. Thus, I assumed 12 women, as the law allows discrimination against males without reason or explanation, but not females. Also, whites, but not blacks, although this is not really relevant to this case.

The case didn't last long, which is unfortunate for her 2 high-powered attorneys, both of whom would bankrupt OJ Simpson in a heartbeat if he were to ever need them and have to pay for them himself. Not to worry, though, because every guilty person in Memphis knows that if the evidence shows you did it, you must call Mr. Leslie or the other guy. I have no plans to commit any crimes, but should I ever be accused of something you can rest assured I'm going to try to hire Mr. Leslie. He's the preferred attorney of Memphis cops and politicians and that's good enough for me.

Today on the radio they interrupted my serenity to play a recording of the verdict. I listened intently as the judge asked "madame juror have you reached a verdict? Madame juror have you ... madame juror ... madame ..." and on and on until he reached what I believe was the lone male on the jury.

The judge, I believe, read the verdict. Guilty ...... of manslaughter.

Doh! The lone man threw a wrench in the works. If not for Dude the bitch would have walked out the door scott free.

I make rude assumptions here. It is as possible that one woman on the jury is as sick of this shit as I am and held out while the dude was a total pussy and caved completely. As it is, Madame Murderer gets maybe 3 years, with time off real soon if not an outright pardon tomorrow morning as soon as the Governor of Tennessee, Mr. Bredesen, has his morning toast and picks up a phone to sing "Free free, set them free," because you know our governor is a big Sting fan, as am I.

There was a lawyer on the radio who is supposed to be some sort of veteran and expert. He was shocked by the verdict and complained how it sends a message that it is open season on husbands who call their wife fat or otherwise mistreat them. He complained that this is a horrible injustice and virtually invalidates our entire system of law. All I kept thinking is, where the hell has he been since the Violence Against Women Act was written and breezed through a Republican-controlled Congress in 1996 or '94 (I can't remember which anymore.) It flat out instructs cops, judges, prosecutors and jurors to ASSUME that any woman who abuses, attacks, or even murders a man who is in any sort of relationship with her must be "acting in retaliation for years of abuse" by the victim, The Man, who if not murdered, must be arrested and charged with her crime. She must be presumed not merely innocent, but the victim, while the victim must be presumed guilty.

PooYA! Take that, Justice! Right in the nuts!

Hell man, this isn't new. It's been over 10 years now. Wake up!

Yeah, I won't be hiring that guy on the radio as my attorney if I ever need one. I wish I had written down his name. He's been sleeping on the job.

So anyway, I'm patting myself on the back here, in case you're wondering why I'm writing this. I predicted this the second it was reported that the preacher had been murdered and his wife was oddly absent. It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what her defense would be. If I had been her lawyer I would have claimed the same old bullshit. Whatever the facts are, they can't possibly be as effective at getting a killer back out on the streets as the old "he abused her" claim. It's better than a "Get out of jail free" card in Monopoly. Better because it comes with rights to the story and a guaranteed pot of gold at the end of the Rainbow Coalition that rules the entertainment industry and is even now no doubt ringing her phone off the hook trying to buy the rights to her story, if in fact, they haven't gotten it already.

Who says crime doesn't pay?


mary mary quite contrary
Mary, Mary, quite contrary,
soon to be richer than God
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