When I Was A Kid

The beautiful Steph in Australia suggested that her loyal readers follow her lead in doing this post. Even though I don't think she necessarily meant me I'll give it a try anyway because I like her and also because absolutely nothing blogworthy is going on in my life right now.

baby bird

When I was a kid I learned every curse word that anyone knew of when I was around 6 years old. I had an older brother who taught them all to me and I used them profusely. Being the last of 5 kids and having parents who barely knew I existed allowed me the freedom to curse at the top of my lungs any time I pleased without the slightest hint of parental interference. All of the neighbors appreciated this and loved me and my parents very much for it.

bird toddler

When I was a kid I took up smoking around the same time I took up loud cursing. Again, having an older brother was a big part of this as he was not only my mentor, but also my supplier. I was a Marlboro kid. But I eventually gave it up. I was worried about the cancer.

When I was a kid my mom used to take out all of her boiling hatred of men on my older brother, sparing me most of the time by pure luck and allowing me the opportunity to escape across the street to the neighbors' house while she was beating and torturing the shit out of him. Their mother hated boys, though, and was also not a big fan of my loud cursing and childhood chain smoking, so it was a rough time, but still much better over at their house than at my own.

When I was a kid we used to ride in the back of my mom's stationwagon with the seat folded down so that we would slide around all over the place while she drove like a maniac. Mom even put pillows back their for us to slide on with greater speed. I realize now, thanks to Public Service Announcements about seat belts and child seats, that she was simply trying to kill us, but at the time it was fun.


When I was a kid we used to have a horse named Duke. My sisters would ride Duke from the barn all the way to our house. Their friends all had horses, too, and would ride their horses over with them. Then they would all convince my dad to let them keep the horses overnight in the backyard. The horses would always wait until about 2 a.m. before making their escape, sending my sisters and their friends running frantically throughout the neighborhood looking for their fugitive horses. I don't know how the horses knew what time it was.

When I was a kid every kid wanted to have a trampoline. Wait, they want that now.

When I was a kid every 16-year-old girl wanted a new Mustang convertible or a Volkswagen Bug. Wait, they want that now, too.

When I was a kid we used to get together in the neighborhood and play "devil in the ditch" and "kick the can" and "truth or dare." The "truth or dare" was my older brother's idea. I think I would have enjoyed it more if me and the girls involved had been older.

When I was a kid and we were in the bushes playing "truth or dare" an ant climbed into my pants one time and somehow got pressed against my scrotum so that he was stinging me nonstop. I grabbed my nuts and jumped up screaming. I ran all the way home to the bathroom so I could pull down my pants and find out what the hell was attacking me. There was this ant all squashed up against my teabag stinging the shit out of me. Shortly thereafter I learned to insert firecrackers into ant mounds and blow the fuckers up. They had it coming.


When I was a kid I had dreams and goals and belief in a bright future. I don't know where I got that shit from.

sesame street

When I was a kid I would occasionally get into fights with my best friend. We were little and would always end up slapping or pushing, but hadn't yet learned to throw a punch. Then, when I was 6, a hyperactive boy moved in behind me. He'd come over and be a royal pain in the ass to both of us. He started beating on my best friend. I threw my first punch right across his jaw and knocked the shit out of him. It felt good. We had 5 big fights before he moved away. In the last fight he tried to kick me in the crotch after I had knocked him onto his back. It made me pretty mad so I punted his face. That was the most blood I have ever seen come out of a person without them dying or being in one of the "Kill Bill" movies.

little peek

When I was a kid I would sometimes go over to the hyperactive kid's house to play. His parents were young and spoiled him rotten with all the latest and greatest toys. His mother was about 24 years old, Hispanic, and hot as hell. She liked to lay out in their backyard in a bikini. She'd undo her top while she was laying out there, which drove my brother and his binoculars crazy. It also drove my mother and her binoculars crazy, but in a different, more bitchy and resentful way. I was, unfortunately, still too young to know an awesome pair of tanned titties when I was confronted with them, so I ran around playing in their yard virtually oblivious to her hotness. There are still images of her burned into a part of my brain, though. Thank God for that.

When I was a kid the best burpers in the neighborhood were the kids across the street. The boy was my best friend. His sisters were athletic and pretty, but they could all burp like you would not believe. I never could burp like they could so I was always highly impressed.

When I was a kid the colors were brighter and everything was bigger. Except women's boobs. I think women's boobs tend to be bigger these days than they were back then. I don't know if it's the new bras or better nutrition or a combination of the two or what.

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