FYF - Blah Blah Blah

fuck you friday
Fuck You Friday

It's Fuck You Friday.

A tornado ripped through as I was writing this, killing several people in Alabama.
This FYF post is gigantic.
I'm blaming the weather.

Beaver seen in NYC; first in centuries

They haven’t been paying attention then, because Paris Hilton and Britney Spears have been showing theirs around NYC for weeks.

Illinois senate OKs stem cell research

More media censorship and distortion via omission. It isn’t stem cell research. It’s embryonic stem cell research, and anyone who has been following this issue knows full well what the difference is and why the same people who fight over abortion are fighting over this. As for me, I find the way the press censors and distorts the issue, much like with abortion, to be more interesting than the issue itself.

Crew boards space shuttle for practice launch

“OK, before we take off I just need to ask you all, is anyone onboard this ship totally crazy?”

Humans, chimps split 4 million years ago: study

We tried to make it work, and for a time it looked as if we were a match made in Heaven. But slowly, gradually, we just grew apart. Now, we hardly ever see each other beyond the occasional awkward moment at the zoo.

Susan Polk set to be sentenced for stabbing her husband to death

Let’s see, using previous cases of women murdering or otherwise abusing their husbands and boyfriends as a guide, I predict she’ll get …. time served and a movie deal starring Charlize Theron. Also, Rosie O'Donnell will declare her a hero and say that Christians are far more dangerous than her.

Fish haters can get strong bones too

Stop the hate. Don’t be a fishaphobe!

Girl Scouts cut trans fats from cookies

Yes, but they’re still hanging on tight to abortion, radical feminism, and the right to eat chocolate and watch Oprah.

Studies: Circumcision reduces HIV risk

So does cutting off the penis entirely, but that’s still not a good enough reason for doing it.

Angry tourists break mugger's neck

Unfortunately for the mugger, he doesn’t qualify for hazard or disability pay. But in NYC he could sue his victims for millions and win. Just ask Bernie Goehtz, the so-called “subway vigilante.”

Man compensated for being stuck inside Malaysia

Could I be compensated for being stuck inside Memphis?

Two clowns shot dead at circus

Paris and Britney are dead? Al Gore and Al Franken? Rudy Giuliani and John McCain? Who was it?!

Security scanner can see through clothes

Remember those cheap X-ray vision glasses that Johnson Smith used to sell? Yeah, as the technology to build this device becomes cheaper and cheaper we’re going to see more and more of these popping up in all sorts of places. For instance, in your teenage son’s room hidden under his bed.

Stocks drop; mortgage default woes hit bank stocks (Reuters)

In some cases the banks themselves are entirely at fault. I can think of one Birmingham Alabama-based bank in particular that was way over the limit on bad mortgage loans and would fold immediately if ever audited by Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac. There used to be the Big Four banks in downtown Birmingham, but now I believe 2 or 3 of them are gone, via mergers and acquisitions. So who could I be talking about? Hmmm, it’s a mystery.

Obama says he wants end to 'tit-for-tat'

That’s because it hurts a hell of a lot worse to get hit in the tat than the tit

Former U.N. envoy supports Iraq pullout

What a shocker! A former UN pussy named Richard Holbrooke appointed by Democrat Bill Clinton wants us to surrender in Iraq and leave it to chaos and tyranny immediately. Funny how he didn’t feel that way when Clinton was bombing Iraq. If your entire view of life revolves around politics, all you can see is the glory a leader gets when they defeat an enemy in war. Thus, if the ‘other’ party is running the White House, you want to do all you can to assure that your own country is defeated, rather than allowing them to win and make that President look good.

Mugabe takes birthday swipe at Britain

Of all the loser tyrants in the world today, Mugabe is definitely the title-holder for Biggest Loser. He can’t afford to take a swipe at anyone. He’s burned his own country to the ground and turned it into a wasteland.

Americans underestimate Iraqi death toll

No we don’t. What we underestimate is how hard the fuckwits in the press have been trying to shove negative stories against American troops down our throats for the past 7 years. We underestimate how low our own news media will go in order to betray our country. But don’t worry, we’re catching on.

Gay rights advances likely in Congress

They call the Republicans the GOP, which stands for “Grand Old Party.” Some day soon we’ll be calling the Democrats the GOP, but it’ll stand for “Gay Old Party.”

Harvard names first female president - Yahoo! News

Of course they did. Everyone knew this was coming after their first decent president in decades made the mistake of pointing out a truth about the sexes that everyone not addicted to cocaine, meth, or narcissistic "gender lenses" already knew. This unforgivable “sin” led to the female supremacists of the Harvard teaching staff burning a cross in his yard and then lynching him. Now they’re just finishing the dirty deed by appointing their Grand Dragon as the new “politically correct” manhating president. The Klan used to do this sort of thing long ago. Back then the people of Harvard could be expected to speak out against it. But they’re all remarkably silent these days.

Woman bomber kills 41 at Baghdad college

Well, surely they’ll accept this as an excuse for missing exams, right? I’m trying to think positive here.

Welfare state growing despite overhauls

Overhauls? What overhauls? All they did was create a slave trade of non-custodial fathers while simultaneously increasing all the pork-loaded social programs in every state. Both political parties are loading up on this money as fast as they possibly can. If stealing faster, but more covertly is an ‘overhaul’ then I guess this headline is correct.

Farrakhan stresses unity in farewell

Hitler stressed unity, too.

Slavery ties Sharpton to Thurmond

Slavery ties me to Prince Charles. Something tells me this won’t do me any good though.

Prince Charles says ban McDonald's food

In the upside down world in which we now all live, Ronald McDonald is a monster and the Hamburglar is the hero. Also, Castro is a wonderful leader, Hillary bakes cookies and just wants to be a stay-at-home mom, Baby Boomers on Harleys are still cool, people in management never lie, and the sky is falling.

Thurmond child says Sharpton overreacted

That’s what he does, honey. That’s his job. He makes millions doing that shit. He’s got a BS in BS.

Dung power at U.S. ethanol plant

I need a T-shirt with this on it. “Dung Power!” I’d have a picture of a little turd raising his fist into the air. No one would get it besides me, but I’d be laughing everywhere I went.

Europe's space probe swings by Mars

Could you ask them to have it pick me up some beer, please? I’m feeling a little down after reading all these headlines and I could use a drink.

Jaguar kills zookeeper in Denver

That’ll teach them to switch brands of cat food!

Jealous husbands may face trial in court

Mexico’s CEDAW-mandated Department of Female Supremacy has just passed a new law making it a criminal act for a husband to “feel” jealous, to call his wife more often than she’d like, to catch her in the act of committing adultery, to not talk to her as often as she’d like, to not have sex with her as often as she’d like, or to stop loving her and thus NOT feel jealous when she cheats on him. For a husband to feel jealous if his wife cheats on him is the crime, applicable to men only, of “jealousy.” To stop loving her and thus not feel jealous when she cheats on him is the new crime, again applicable to men only, of “indifference.” So he’s guilty no matter what. The sentence for these sex-specific thought-crimes is 5 years in Mexican prison. According to the misandric Mexican manhater who wrote this law, for a man to feel anything that a woman doesn’t want him to feel is the same thing as physically assaulting her. She also said men shouldn’t feel discriminated against by this law, but she didn’t bother to explain why. Basically, because she’s a narcissistic feminist, she sees no problem with criminalizing men’s feelings and then telling men how to feel about it.

Stand-in mistress sought to take wife's abuse

Apparently in China when a woman is abusive they still call it “abuse”. I guess they aren’t nearly as “progressive” as the West, where an abusive woman is called “victim.”

U.S. smashes Mexican drug gang

Yes, and then they promptly arrested and imprisoned all the police officers involved in order to appease the massive population of illegal aliens in the United States. Yay America!

Gore and 'An Inconvenient Truth' Win Oscar

Of course it does. Nothing wins more awards in the new Hollywood than a gigantic propaganda piece. The Nazis’ propaganda films always got plenty of awards in Germany. People love to hear what they want to hear, especially narcissistic, drug-addicted people. This is one of the many examples of why Hollywood is becoming increasingly irrelevant.

al gore oscar limo

Gore a hypocrite over power bill

If he weren’t a total hypocrite he couldn’t be in politics. And he sure as hell wouldn’t be eligible for an Oscar for his precious home movie. Hypocrisy is a prerequisite in some circles.

Study: College students more narcissistic

They began testing college students’ levels of narcissism in 1982 and continued up to today. They’ve found that the levels of narcissism in students has steadily risen to alarmingly high levels. The study asserts that narcissists "are more likely to have romantic relationships that are short-lived, at risk for infidelity, lack emotional warmth, and to exhibit game-playing, dishonesty, and over-controlling and violent behaviors." The oddly uncreative Baby Boomers called us “Generation X.” I think we might call this new group the “Paris Hilton Generation.” Alternatively, we could call them “Britney Babies.”

HPV infections seen in over quarter of U.S. women

That's whut ahm tawkin' 'bout! That’s a sexually transmitted infection, so if you’re looking for a good time, call one of these girls. But wear a condom, ‘cause they gots them a little sumthin’ sumthin' in there and you don't want it.

Virginia to require vaccine for girls

Here we go again. It’s all “pro-choice” unless the politicians don’t like the choice people make, at which point the State steps in and tramples on the parents’ rights without a second thought. Of course, any unfortunate side-effects the vaccine may have on the girls will be entirely the parents’ problem to deal with at their own expense.

Study: Garlic won't lower cholesterol

But it will keep the vampires away. Primarily by inducing horrific farts, which vampires detest.

Scientists: Geyser event was a burp

I don’t really care what this story is about. I just like the headline.

Girl lost in poker game pleads for help

What happens in Las Vegas stays in Las Vegas, but this is ridiculous.

Man says dog saved him from black bear

This man and his dog are both racists! He should have said “African-American bear.” And the dog is guilty of a hate-crime.

Two Republicans attack FDA tobacco bill in Senate

The Republicans said the whole thing is misleading, which is a politically correct way of saying “total bullshit.” The Democrats didn’t even strain themselves in formulating a reply. They pulled out the old “it saves lives” response and trusted that it would work one more time. Basically, if you want to repeal the entire Constitution you can say either that it’s to increase security or it saves lives. If you’re really straining, you say that it saves women’s lives. And if you’re totally desperate for support, you say it saves women’s and children’s lives and then pump your fist while saying “do it for the children” with a smug look on your face involving sticking your bottom lip out like Barney Fife.

Allergy sufferers bothered by more than allergens

That’s true. I’m bothered by all kinds of annoying shit. That’s why I blog, so I can bitch about it.

Antioxidants don't help you live longer

I thought the whole point was to help avoid mutations replicating in your DNA over time so that however long you live, you hope to reduce your risk of cancer and other ailments. But I didn’t know people were claiming you’d live longer. You just die of different stuff. You die really, really healthy.

Antioxidant supplements tied to death risk

First they say it doesn’t help you live longer. Then they say it kills you. Who writes these stupid headlines, a trained monkey? Am I really and truly the only one reading any of these articles? Do the people in the newsroom not even read them?

Chinese scientists control bird's flight

Under communist rule even the birds in the sky aren’t free, whereas, in Mexico it’s just the men.

Study: Pygmy owl numbers down in Mexico

That’s because they’re crossing the border into Texas, Arizona, New Mexico, and California as fast as they can. Perhaps the Mexican government should contact China?

Stocks have worst day since 9/11 attacks

Oh what a beautiful morning, oh what a beautiful day! I watched my investments go down like an intern for the Democratic Party on this day. It wasn’t pretty, but I couldn’t look away. I guess you could say the Dow “pulled a Monica.”

Pranksters throw concrete off overpass

Another day, another set of gangsta chillens throwing concrete boulders off an overpass and onto cars passing below at 65 mph. Yeah, it’s all just “pranksters” here. Nevermind the decapitated drivers and passengers down below. Nothing to see here. Move along.

Herenton Tells MLGW He Expects Ford To Pay Or Be Cut-Off

The insane clown-mayor of Memphis, a man who refers to himself as “the almighty God”, fired all the good old white boys who once ran Memphis Light Gas and Water and replaced them with his “posse.” Since then no one in the infamous Memphis Ford family, a family of corrupt politicians one and all, has paid a dime in utility bills. They’re millionaires thanks to illegal backroom deals and blatant theft of public monies, but they’re also elitist narcissists who don’t believe they should have to pay like everyone else. And the mayor and his MLGW cronies agreed. Imagine living in a mansion you didn’t pay for and not having to pay utilities for years and years. That must be nice.

MLGW President Explains List

What's to explain? It's business as usual in Memphis. The gangstas run this town and only the working class people ever pay for anything.

Hail damage delays shuttle launch

Now the shuttle is all denty-looking and needs a lot of bodywork. State Farm is sending someone out to look it over and give an estimate. I sure hope they don’t total it. That would suck.

Talking about war found to help stressed soldiers

I thought this sounded odd, so I read it. Lo and behold, it’s a trick. They’re not actually talking about all soldiers. Oh no, they’re primarily only talking about women soldiers. I wonder why they failed to mention that in the headline? Perhaps someone in the press reads my blog? I doubt it, but it’s fun to think it.

Device aids older men with leaky bladder

It’s called a clothespin. It’s the most high-tech medical device available for use on men due to the lack of funding for any medical research that includes males. So if you see Grandpa crying, but his pants are dry, at least now you know why.

Would you vote for someone with a face like yours?

Well now, that would all depend on where they stood on the issues. Voting for someone based on their appearance, contrary to the thinking of some in the Obama crowd, is usually a very bad idea.

oboma easter island

Divas like you share ideas, rewards at iDivamemphis

Remember when ‘diva’ meant narcissistic bitch? Apparently it still does, only now it’s been decided that being a narcissistic bitch is a good thing. This is all a result of the glorious self-esteem movement our progressive peers in education came up with in response to the vacuum left behind by removing respect for God and religion, with its’ associated stress on personal humility. So, outta my way, all youse bitches and hos. It’s all about me from now on!

Castro says he feels energetic, stronger

Ah, the drugs are working then. So the doctor gets to live for another day, until Castro finally dies despite his amphetamine and morphine fix, at which point the doctor dies, too.

Cheney back in Washington after Afghan scare

He showed up in Afghanistan wearing his duck hunting outfit and all the Afghan people were scared to death. Apparently word gets around. "I hear this man shot his own best friend!"

Study finds kids gain weight over summer

Man, we never did when I was a kid. Then again, we had no Xbox or Playstation. I didn’t even have an Atari. All I had was Electronic Football, and boy did my thumbs get sore from playing that. Most of the time, though, I was outside playing basketball with the people who lived across the street. Unless they were inside playing with their Atari. Then I had to play with myself. Ba-dum-bum!

Granny finds grenade in groceries

She must shop in a rough neighborhood. All I ever get are coupons for stuff I just bought.

S.C. teacher faces child sex charges

Once again, we have a middle school teacher having sex with middle school boys. When I was in middle school most of the teachers were misandric lesbian feminists who tried to castrate the boys, but they sure as hell had no interest in having sex with us. So I guess this is a big improvement.

Scientists start polar study amid global warming

The children of the press have made up their minds that man-made global warming is a fact and there can be no debate. But mention a worldwide flood or Jesus healing people and they’ll tell you that’s just crazy talk.

McCain says he's in presidential race

Have fun. Don’t forget to right! Bwa ha ha! Don’t forget to … get it? I crack me up.

voting no choices

Bush's faith-based program debated in court

The antiChristers turn to their number one favorite charity once again, the federal courts. Wasn’t it basically the federal courts that ruled that Jesus hadn’t actually committed any crimes, but then they had him executed anyway? I do believe it was.

Sisters say grandmother suffered while being kept alive against her wishes

I suffer every time I try to watch a TV show on CBS. Good God, according to the show “Criminal Minds” this week, if Jack the Ripper were a woman and the victims were white males then Jack would be “the real victim” and a totally sympathetic serial killer. The victims, meanwhile, “had it coming.” I swear, sometimes I can’t tell the difference between CBS and the Lifetime Network.

Drinking a little wine linked to men's longer life

I was just so shocked to see a medical study that was actually done on men that I had to check it out. It turns out that this study was done a long time ago and they’re just rerunning the story because nothing else has been going on in mens’ health research for such a long time. Oh, the wheel in the sky keeps on turning – don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow!

Audrey Hepburn's gown auction money to aid children

Remember when celebrities actually did things for charities and causes that were genuinely worthwhile? Yeah, way back before they were all openly hooked on crystal meth and running around wearing lettuce leaves for PETA or just plain attacking America for the hell of it. Whatever happened to all the decent people? I guess they all died, huh?

Man tries to cash $50K check from God

I’m guessing the bank didn’t process it because they couldn’t find exactly which bank God has an account with. Can you imagine what would happen if God ever bounced a check? Man, we’d all be up shit creek if that ever happened. The Earth would stop spinning and it would just go dark until the utility company turned the power back on. On the plus side, though, all the global warming people would finally be happy.

Alleged burglar gets shot by grandfather

Sometimes a scumbag just can’t catch a break. Doofus here tried to rob his own grandfather, and granddad wasn’t having none of it. He shot the boy in the hand before Doofus ran off. When I was a kid they’d just spank you for shit like that, but today it’s illegal to spank, so now we’re having to shoot’em.

Boys trail girls in English

And girls trail boys in math. That’s the way it’s always been and so long as the teachers don’t intentionally fail to teach one sex or the other, that’s the way it’ll probably always be. I guess I’m never going to be the president of an Ivy League school, am I? Dammit.

Ford says restructuring to cost $11.18B

Yeah, you know what else is costing Ford a shitload of money? The fact that they decided to take a very definite side in the culture wars. You want some stock advice? Stay away from Ford. Stay away from any company that chooses sides and positions itself as openly hostile towards the views of over fifty percent of the nation. This is definitely not the sort of thing a Western car company can afford to do with the Japanese all breathing down their neck. A few more years of this narcissistic stupidity and Ford will go the way of Oldsmobile.

Bank robber nabbed 30 feet from bank

I would suggest that this person try another line of work. Perhaps they might find a job at Ford in upper management or something?

Democrats want troops out if goals unmet

This is an old trick. Abraham Lincoln used this one to screw over General McClellan way back during the War Between the States. You set unreasonable goals that you know can’t be met, sometimes cutting off funding and supplies in order to assure failure. Then you force the military to cut and run in order to blame someone else, some political rival, for the huge catastrophe. It’s all a game that costs a lot of lives, but none of them are the lives of the politicians, so they don’t care.

EU warns Microsoft of possible further fines

In Europe, “fine” is how they say “looting”, sort of like how we say “flashlight” whereas, in the UK they say “torch.”

Gore talks global warming in Oklahoma

He’s like Ernest Angley, isn’t he? As long as he can gather a crowd of true believers who will worship him, he’ll keep on talking, saying whatever they want to hear. And if anyone is ever allowed to prove global warming to be a huge scare tactic, he’ll first try to deny it, and then just switch to something else. He’s like the Jesse Jackson of weather. He’s a weather activist.

Conservatives see flaws in 2008 Republicans

What a coincidence! Conservatives saw flaws in 2006 Republicans, too. That’s why they’re not in Congress anymore.

House Democrats seek more war funds than Bush

Well sure, but once they have the money none of it will go to support our troops in Iraq.

State wants special car plates for sex offenders

Oh, there’s a great idea. That won’t cause any road rage and shootings in traffic. Oh no, not at all.

anna nicole giant bra

As court sends Anna Nicole Smith's remains into limbo, battle continues over custody of her baby

A blond woman goes to the doctor because she hasn’t been feeling well. The doctor does some tests and says, “You’re going to have a baby.” The blond looks puzzled and then whispers to the doctor, “are you sure it’s mine?”

anna nicole drunk
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