Little Girl is Crying

Ever since Booger Bear died, Little Girl has been extremely quiet. She used to be waiting at the back door to go outside first thing every morning. But now she hides in her bed and doesn't get up. She's been there for days, only going out when I force her to.

Last night I think she finally realized that Booger Bear is gone forever. At 2 a.m. she sat down outside our bedroom door and cried and cried. My Wife finally had to get up and go pet her, talking to her and trying to soothe her. But she wouldn't calm down.

So My Wife took a blanket, and the Little Girl, and slept with her on the couch.

She said it took almost an hour for the Girl to calm down and finally go to sleep.

Today when I came home from work, Little Girl was waiting for me. She followed me around the house and meowed her head off. She wasn't even interested in her food.

When My Wife came home she followed her around until she sat down. Then she jumped into her lap. She hasn't moved since.

I know Booger Bear and the Little Girl were closer with each other this past year than they had ever been in the past, but I honestly didn't expect this. I guess I've never seen a depressed cat before. She's in mourning.

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Mia Hamm x2

Mia Hamm had twin baby girls this morning.




The future of soccer just got twice as interesting.

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Peyton Manning and the United Way

Peyton Manning is a great humanitarian. Just look at this fabulous ad he did for the United Way and see for yourself.

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You Are A Child of the '80s If ...

You can remember anyone ever calling you and saying, "Dude, guess where I'm calling you from!"



You can remember when the Mazda RX7 was the COOLEST CAR IN THE WORLD!

You have ever owned and probably still own a Members Only jacket.

You remember when Mtv was brand new and played music videos.

You used to put mousse in your hair to make it stick up and be as big as possible (country music fans are disqualified from this one.)

You can remember the IROC Camaro.

You can remember the Mustang SVO.

You ever knew anyone who drove a Chrysler LeBaron convertible with a turbo.

You remember seeing brand new turbocharged cars sitting on the side of the highway in a blazing inferno while the owners stood helplessly by and watched their investment go up in flames.

You have recently noticed high school kids wearing polo shirts with the collar up and you said, "hey, we used to do that!"

You ever asked for your hair to be cut with "wings, feathered back" (think waaaaay back.)

You know Robin Williams from "Mork and Mindy."

You remember when Troy Aikman was a rookie and Jerry Jones had just bought the Dallas Cowboys and rudely fired Tom Landry.

You remember watching "Charlie's Angels" when it was new.

You remember the ugliest Camaro ever, the 1982 model.

You know Nicholas Cage from the movie "Valley Girl"

Every time you watch the show "2 1/2 Men" you look at Charlie's brother, Allen, and think of the movie "Pretty In Pink"

You see ads for Anthony Michael Hall and his show "The Dead Zone" and think of "16 Candles"

You totally forgot about Molly Ringwald until just now.

You now have the urge to watch "16 Candles" again.

When you do you're going to see John Cusack and say "Holy shit, I forgot he was in this movie!"

You never understood the line "nobody puts Baby in a corner," but you know where it's from.

You knew Patrick Swayze had a brother and you recognize him every time you see him. Even so, you have no idea what his name is.

You knew Sylvester Stallone had a brother, but you wouldn't know him if he walked up to you and said "Hi." Again, no clue what his name is.

You vaguely recall an episode of the "Dukes of Hazzard" which starred a tiny little woman who talked exactly like Dolly Parton. You later discovered that it was her sister.

You remember Mr. T, the A Team, their stupid van, and the slogan "I love it when a plan comes together."

You know who said "I pity the fool!"

You remember when "bling" was referred to as "the Mr T look."

You see "Battlestar Galactica" listed on the Sci Fi channel and flip to it briefly, only to discover that it's a remake.

"Come and knock on our door ... someone's waiting for you ..." You remember "jiggle television" and those tight, tight clothes with no underwear.

You remember "Boss, de plane, de plane!"

You remember "Hee Haw"

You know Tom Hanks from "Bosom Buddies," you remember the "other guy", and you knew that Dan Akroyd married the super hot busty blonde on the show.

You remember Mr Hooper and Maria on "Sesame Street"

You remember "The Electric Company", "Captain Kangaroo", "Mister Rogers", and "Zoom!"

You remember the Delorean.

You wore Izod when it was cool.

You had a mullet, but weren't a redneck or a lesbian.

You remember Beta VCRs.

You remember when the CD was brand new.

If you lived in my hometown you remember seeing Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire playing AA baseball for the same team and you never, ever parked behind the NTW because it was across the street from left field and everyone was sure they were hitting cars over there. Man, they could knock the shit out of that ball like nobody else! You also remember seeing Ricky Henderson stealing bases there.

You remember watching "Magnum PI" and you were convinced Higgins was gay.

You remember the rumors that the lead singer of the heavy metal band, Judas Priest, was gay. You also remember when it turned out to be true.

You have some vague memory of when Ronald Reagan was president, but barely remember George Bush Sr. at all. If not for the Gulf War you probably would think Bill Clinton was elected immediately after Reagan retired.

You remember when Richard Simmons was brand new, but just as gay. The man has not slowed down one bit in all these years.

You remember when Liberace died.

You remember when Rock Hudson was on "Knotts Landing" looking horrible and was then diagnosed with AIDS.

You remember when no one knew what AIDS was.

You remember when people would say "that's GAY" and not get fired or sent to rehab for committing a thought crime.

You remember when there was no such thing as thought crimes or political correctness in America and almost no one ever imagined that it could even happen here.

You once thought Eddie Van Halen was cool.

You once thought, but will now never admit, that David Lee Roth was cool. Years later you saw him pushing his Vegas act on talk shows and were shocked at what a huge dork he was.

You watched "Baywatch" when it was brand new and saw Pamela Anderson rise to the heights of fame before mysteriously hooking up what that nasty dork Tommy Lee from Motley Crue and getting Hepatitis.

You remember Pamela Anderson before she had implants.

You remember when almost no one in Playboy had implants.

Hell, you remember when almost no one at all had implants!

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Here Kitty Kitty

1992 - March 24, 2007

Today was the day. It got so bad that he couldn't drink water anymore. I spent 20 minutes last night squirting water into his mouth with a syringe while he drank what he could and slobbered the rest away. Before this he must have gone 2 or 3 days without a drink and without me realizing he could no longer lick the water from his dish.

The other day I was washing the cars. He wanted to be with me, so he sat there as the overspray covered him. He didn't move. He sat in the driveway as waves of soapy water came washing down all around him and soaked him. He didn't budge. You could see in his eyes that he was scared. He was dying of dehydration and yet had water all around him.

My wife said he stank to high heaven. His mouth and throat were infected. His cancer was rotting. The Little Girl wouldn't go near him anymore. His eyes were black with fear and he'd follow us everywhere we went in the house. He'd meow all night, waking us up over and over. I'd try to give him food and water and he'd just sit and stare at it. It wasn't until last night that I found a way to get him a drink. I'd tried the syringe before, but he just thought I was trying to give him medicine so he didn't want it. Last night I just kept squirting his mouth until he finally realized I was just giving him water. This morning I did one better. I put him in the tub and turned the cold water on just enough to make a constant stream. Then I squirted water from the syringe until he started drinking. At first he thought I was going to give him another bath, but once he calmed down he was fine. I led him closer and closer to the water until he started drinking from the faucet. I left him in there drinking for 15 or 20 minutes. When he came out, he was soaked, but he wasn't thirsty anymore.

And then it was time to go to the vet.

She said it was bad. He'd lost more weight since last week when he was first diagnosed. He's lost a lot, nearly half his normal bodyweight. He had a fever. He's infected. His tongue had been pushed to the side of his mouth so that it was sticking out the side and he could barely use it. He was miserable. He wasn't going to get better, and he might just die next week from dehydration or starvation. I figured he wasn't thirsty, he wasn't scared, and he wasn't alone, so it would be best if he went now.

It was quick. From the time they injected until the moment he just plopped down was only a second. I was surprised. In an instant he was gone. It's a weird feeling. I've known him for as long as I've known My Wife. We weren't even dating yet when we found him. And we found him together. He's always been around. And now I have to go outside and bury him.

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Sarah Silverman's Convenient Truth

Sarah is a radical environmentalist in the style of TKW.

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Quick Rant

I am SO sick of the new spray cans, with their "No CFCs" message printed proudly on the side, that stop spraying after a week or two. I have shelves filled with various sprays, from Lysol to WD40, that are half filled with liquid, but because they have "No CFCs" they don't fucking spray and you can't get the shit out without smashing open the can. Are we saving the environment with this ripoff? How does it save the environment to waste half the can of everything? It sounds to me like a great way to increase corporate profits by ripping off the customer, all the while claiming it's necessary to screw us in order to 'save' the ozone. Oh yes, that half-filled can of WD40 that is currently dribbling all over your hand is 'saving lives' by not doing its' job. Wait another week and it won't even dribble anymore.

I am SO sick of the spray bottles, the ones you pump the trigger yourself, that are now so cheaply made that they quit working almost as soon as you buy them. Thank God for 409 bottles because I am constantly having to dump the contents of all the other brands of shit that don't spray into the old 409 bottles just to be able to use them. I'm pretty sure that all these useless plastic spray bottles going to the dump en masse aren't helping the environment one little bit. Meanwhile, my 409 bottle must be at least 10 years old and it still works.

I am SO sick of cereals and potato chip companies that put less and less into the bags just to avoid raising their price. If I wanted a fucking snack sized bag of Doritoes I wouldn't have reached for the bag marked "family size", now would I? It was a decent size last month, but now it's just a tiny shadow of its' former self. Oh sure, the price is still the same, but I'm not buying it because it isn't what I want.

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Fun with TV - TLC's The New Detectives

According to The Learning Channel's "The New Detectives":

• All murderers are male.
• All murder victims are female.
• 99 percent of all murderers are the victim's husband, boyfriend, or illicit lover.
• 99 percent of all murdering husband/boyfriend/illicit lovers are white males.
• The remaining 1 percent of murderers is a black guy in Alabama, but he killed 2 women at once.
• No murder victims are male.
• No murderers are women, and thus none could be a wife, girlfriend, or hooker.

And finally

• all murders are solved in about a month because it's just so freakin' obvious who did it that there are no other suspects.

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Here Kitty Kitty

This is my cat. His legal name, according to his records, is Here Kitty Kitty. We met about 13 years ago, after some asshat stole my Manx cat, Tiger, and I was left with a box of Purina cat food, a cat bed, and a litter box, but no cat.

Here Kitty Kitty had been abandoned and was wandering the neighborhood around my parents' house stealing food from all the cats who were fed outside there. He was big and hungry and there were a lot of cats in the neighborhood at the time who were normally fed outside in the garage, so he did alright. But one night he wandered into my dad's garage and got locked in. I discovered him there and fed him. The next day, when my dad opened the garage, he ran off. But 2 months later I saw him again, wandering the neighborhood in search of food. He saw me and reluctantly came over to see me. I fed him again. After that, he decided to adopt me.

I had no idea what his previous owners had named him, but when I called "here kitty kitty" he'd come running immediately. He didn't answer to anything else, so I named him "Here Kitty Kitty." It made perfect sense.

I made him a bed, but I quickly discovered that there was something wrong with him. He'd sleep in the bed, but if he woke up in the middle of the night and needed to use the bathroom he'd use it in his bed and then move over and go back to sleep. After that, he wouldn't use the bed because, obviously, it stank. Asking around, I found that cats raised in cages often learn to do this. Their bed, litter box, and food dish are all jammed in there together, leaving them no choice but to use the bathroom right next to their bed and food. It took over a year to teach him that he didn't need to do this anymore. It took even longer to teach him that if he slept on a chair or the couch and went to the bathroom on it then he was never allowed to sleep there again. Once he figured that out, though, he decided that peeing and pooping on things he might want to sleep on was a bad idea.

When I moved to Memphis Here Kitty Kitty went with me. He was my only friend in this shithole of a town. He was the oddest cat I had ever seen. When I walked to the mailbox or the apartment complex office, he'd walk with me, like a dog. Then he'd follow me home again. Wherever I went, he went, too. Neighbors commented on it, saying I appeared to be "walking the cat." Where I sat, he sat next to me and purred. When I left town for the weekend to go see my future wife in another state, as soon as he saw my suitcases he'd freak out. He hated being alone.

After I married My Wife, she discovered that Here Kitty Kitty could on occasion be a pain, mostly when he wanted to be. So she renamed him. She thought "Booger Bear" was a more appropriate name for him. He acted like a booger when he was mad, and he looked like a little bear. It made perfect sense to her. So that was the name she gave him. Over the years he's learned to answer to that name.

For 13 or so years he's been my friend, following me around the house and the yard. He watches me work on the car, he sits on my lap while I read your blogs, he sits next to me while I watch TV, and years ago he used to sit on my stomach while I did bench presses, which was really annoying.

For the past several weeks he's been sick. He couldn't seem to eat and he was noticeably thin. He followed both of us everywhere, winding around our feet, and seeming to want us to do something. We couldn't figure out what he wanted, but clearly something was wrong. So today I took him to the vet.

He has cancer. It's in his throat and appears to be aggressive. They tell us this kind of cancer is not uncommon in cats and that it is almost always fatal. So, it appears that his time is almost up.

I know he's old, but he's not so old that we weren't expecting him to live another few years. Our other cat, Little Girl, is the same age as he is and she still acts like a kitten, a pain in the ass kitten who breaks every rule as soon as our back is turned, but a kitten nonetheless.

I know he's not a person. I know there are several people right here in my blogroll who are battling or have battled cancer in themselves, or in their spouse, or a child, or someone else that they loved. I understand that it isn't the same to lose a cat. But you have to understand, these past 12 months have been the absolute worst 12 months of my entire life. This is just one more rotten thing in a series of rotten things.

So anyway, I'm sitting here looking at him and wondering how many more days until he's gone. How long before the vet calls to ask what I want to do and advise me on how long we can wait before putting him to sleep so he won't suffer anymore?

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FYF - I'm Tired

Fuck You Friday

It's a special Fuck You Friday.

I'm really tired of politicians.

Can't we just shoot them all?

---

Immigration raids can divide families

Oh no! We should totally stop enforcing our immigration laws because it divides families! Then again, if we're sending the illegal aliens home where they came from, aren't we really reuniting families?

Jobs growth not as soft as feared

Poor Steve Jobs, the whole world is reading about his problems with erectile dysfunction. Or, as the dorks on TV call it, “ED”.

Gen. Pace calls homosexuality immoral

This is big news to the grrlz of the media. Now we’ll see who really controls the military, the political feminists or the fighting men. I think I know and it doesn’t bode well for the General or his men.

DePauw cuts ties with troubled sorority

The DZs are in trouble for kicking out the fuglies and keeping only the hot chicks. At least, that's how they tell it.

U.S. condemns Zimbabwe government over attacks

Years and years of race-based slaughter and only now do we say anything condemning it. We’re a little late to this party. Then again, the UN still hasn't said a damned thing, so I guess we're still better than they are.

Pa. city defends illegal immigrant rules

When voters and elected city leaders opt to enforce the law against illegal immigrants they are instantly attacked by the ACLU and its’ bitches on the bench. What an insane age this is when cities can be dragged into court simply for enforcing laws the federal government itself doesn’t have the balls to enforce. Then again, I don't think there's a complete pair of balls left on any politician anywhere in this nation anymore.

Gonzales rejects calls for resignation

I don’t think I’ll resign today, but thanks for asking.

No apology from Gen. Pace for gay stance

Maybe when Rosie O’Donnell apologizes for her antichrist stance, eh?

Mexico pushes Bush for more in drug war

Mexico is raising the price of illegal drugs?

Clinton: Right-wing conspiracy is back

Yes, except this time all those “haters” to the right of you are in the Democratic Party and they want your ass gone. It's all a matter of perspective, see? Your own husband is a right-winger compared to you.

Warming may cause food, water shortages: U.N. report

Cooling may cause that, too. Life happens, boys and girls. Get used to it.

Scholar: 'Jesus Tomb' makers mistaken

I did a documentary back in college in which I claimed to have found Jesus’ wallet. I couldn’t get any funding though, despite having his driver’s license and everything.

Mental illness common in returning soldiers

It’s also common in Memphis drivers. Trust me on this one.

Stop surfing, make friends, students told

Dammit, there go all my blog readers!

Party seeks to strip Hitler of citizenship

Um, he’s dead, you morons.

Canada has highest population growth among G8

Well sure, they’ve got a lot of hot women and long cold winter nights.

Iranians outraged by `300' movie

You lost. Get over it. Oh wait, I forgot, refusing to forgive is a big part of Islam, which is why you guys are constantly killing each other and living in the ruins of bombed-out cities.

9/11 mastermind admits killing reporter

And yet even so the reporters still love him and hate Bush.

House panel upholds Iraq pullout plan

“Run to the hills. Run for your lives. Run to the hills. Run for your liiiiiiiiiives!” Ah, Iron Maiden always gets me going in the morning.

Zimbabwe's Mugabe tells West "go hang"

Why don’t you step out of that shabby fortress of yours and come say that over here in Memphis? Say it to a brother on any street corner in Memphis. Come to my house and say it to me. Go ahead, I dare you, you fucking saggy old commie twat.

Abducted Italy reporter says Taliban may kill him

How ironic. The press is so anxious to defeat Bush and place the Taliban back in power and yet the Taliban is unappreciative.

4 killed in NYC shootout; motive unknown

Rumor has it there was a preaching urinal cake involved.

Police: Dad stabs baby boy in back

My parents did that shit to me all the …. Oh, you mean LITERALLY. Damn.

Odd little critter sheds light on mammal evolution

They’re studying David Spade?

Sen. Clinton calls for subprime mortgage action

Ever the opportunistic bullshit artist, eh? What action do you suggest, Miss Universal Healthcare debacle of 1993?

House overturns Bush order on papers secrecy

By all means, show our national secrets to the world. Then bitch and blame the military when we get attacked yet again, you sociopathic, short-sighted, fairy-princesses.

Binge drinking and drug abuse a problem on campuses

Apparently when you go to school to study math or science and instead get a full curriculum of socialist propaganda, Marxist religion, and misandric rantings it can often be enough to drive you to drink and get high. The professors and staff don’t see this as a problem, though, because they’ve all been continuously high since the ‘70s.

Britain to bring Zimbabwe turmoil to U.N. Council

How 'bout them Brits! They're the only ones who have had the balls to protest the government-sponsored racist mass murders in Zimbabwe for all these years.

Immense ice deposits found at south pole of Mars

Now if they can just find an immense deposit of beer to go with it we've got ourselves a place to party!

Judge rules tobacco ad curbs extend overseas

Sorry Judge Judy, but your authority stops where the U.S. border stops. Try not to get your ego all in a wad, but it's true.

Man with hand transplant to go home

to try it out ... alone ... in the bathroom. Ooh look, the latest issue of Playboy just came in!

Man smuggles grenade in pot of honey

Well, that's a hell of a lot better than the guy last week who smuggled it in his asshole.

Youths probed for daubing swastikas on sheep

So, is it a hate-crime, or a sheep-crime, or what? I doubt the sheep really care.

Man relieves himself in air-sickness bag

Well, if you think about it, pee is no nastier than vomit. What the hell?

N.M. man arrested on 28th DWI charge

Hey, when you find something you're good at, you should keep at it. That's what they always told us in school.

Chimp DNA test says Conan's the daddy

So, is the talk show not going well or does Mr. O'Brien just have a thing for chimps? Hey, don't judge! It's just an alternate lifestyle! They'll be teaching this in schools all across America soon, if they aren't already.

Woman Accused of Stabbing Co-Worker Over Chickens

Talk show hosts having sex with chimps. Women knife-fighting over handsome chickens. What's this country coming to?

Three New York cops indicted in groom shooting

Shit, I knew the northeastern states were hostile towards men and marriage, but this is ridiculous!

Police arrest 7-year-old on dirt bike

Not much going on around there, eh?

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Bridget Moynahan

Look, it's Bridget Moynahan!

Hey, who is this? Oh yes, it's Bridget Moynahan
The Stormin Mormon, over on Steph's Sexy Blog, said that he once mentioned Bridget Moynahan in a post and got 1000 hits in one day. I thought, "dammit, how come that never happens to me?" Then it occurred to me that it's probably worth a try. So that's pretty much all I'm doing here. I'm mentioning Bridget Moynahan, and posting photos of Bridget Moynahan, just to see how many lusty hits I get out of her.

Oh, and also, I'd do her, just in case you wanted to know.


What Bridget Moynahan does to leather should be a crime.

Bridget Moynahan and boobs

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Hail Mary!

OK, the Battle of the Blogs is in the final round. And this is the toughest round of all. I'd ask you to go vote for me, but I know that as soon as you get over there you're going to look at who I'm up against and say, "But I LOOOOOOVE Stacy the Peanut Queen. Oh, and The Kept Woman! She totally kicks ass!" And then you're going to vote for one of them instead. Yes, I was tempted, too. Seriously. In fact, we are all three currently losing to a blog I have never even heard of. Anyway, whether you vote for me or not, please go vote. I'd like to see one of "us" win this thing. I don't know why. I just would.

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Cat Surfer

You'll be sorry

Today I had to make a trip to the Rocket City for a talk with the company that made the Patriot missile work properly in time for the first Gulf War. It was all fun and games and quite an exciting time. Whee.

After our talk, I decided that it would be rude of me to leave my hometown without stopping by Mom's house and saying "howdy." So I headed down to the south end of town where all the smartest and best-looking people live.

I pulled into her driveway in my bucking yellow banana wagon, which was formerly my father's yellow banana wagon prior to his death (he doesn't need it anymore and Jesus didn't want it either) and rang the doorbell. My youngest sister answered the door.

"What the?" she was quite surprised to see me standing there all dressed in a suit and tie like a Mormon selling magazines.

"Hey, is Mom around?" I inquired cleverly.

"Moooooom, Steve's here!" she shouted up the stairs.

I sat and talked with my mom for awhile upstairs in the dining room. From time to time I would glance towards the large front window to see if my oldest friend, Tony, was home or not. Tony bought his parents' old house when they moved to a new house and now lives across the street from my parents, where he always used to live, except that it used to be his entire family living there. Anyway, Tony popped home, but left again before I could go say "hi."

While I was sitting there facing the living room window and occasionally glancing outside, I saw a strange sight. A cat rode by surfing the roof of a minivan, all squatted in a typical surfer stance, and screaming "MEEEEOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"

"What the hell?!" I exclaimed.

"What?" Mom asked.

"Your neighbor just flew by in her minivan with her cat surfing on the roof. And from the sound of it I don't think the cat was happy about it."

"What?!" Mom asked again.

I ran to the window to see if I could see whether or not the woman actually drove off with that cat on the roof of her van or if she heard the screaming cat and stopped. I could see her at the end of the street at the stop sign. But before I could turn to head for the front door she was gone.

"Oooooh nooooooooo!" I said out loud.

Just then the husband came running out from the garage with the son right behind him.

"CATS ON THE CAR! CATS ON THE CAR!" the boy kept yelling. The husband was frantically dialing his cell phone.

Then I heard the husband talking, "the cat is on top of the van. You have to come back. No, I'm serious. Well stop driving and look!"

The boy was still hopping up and down and chanting loudly, "CATS ON THE CAR! CATS ON THE CAR!"

Several minutes later the minivan returned, minus the crouching cat on the roof. She pulled into the driveway, handed off the cat to her husband, and sped off again.

"Wow," I said to my bewildered mom, "that's something you don't see every day."

Help me!!!

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Sarah Silverman - A Very Convenient Truth

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When I Was A Kid

The beautiful Steph in Australia suggested that her loyal readers follow her lead in doing this post. Even though I don't think she necessarily meant me I'll give it a try anyway because I like her and also because absolutely nothing blogworthy is going on in my life right now.


When I was a kid I learned every curse word that anyone knew of when I was around 6 years old. I had an older brother who taught them all to me and I used them profusely. Being the last of 5 kids and having parents who barely knew I existed allowed me the freedom to curse at the top of my lungs any time I pleased without the slightest hint of parental interference. All of the neighbors appreciated this and loved me and my parents very much for it.


When I was a kid I took up smoking around the same time I took up loud cursing. Again, having an older brother was a big part of this as he was not only my mentor, but also my supplier. I was a Marlboro kid. But I eventually gave it up. I was worried about the cancer.

When I was a kid my mom used to take out all of her boiling hatred of men on my older brother, sparing me most of the time by pure luck and allowing me the opportunity to escape across the street to the neighbors' house while she was beating and torturing the shit out of him. Their mother hated boys, though, and was also not a big fan of my loud cursing and childhood chain smoking, so it was a rough time, but still much better over at their house than at my own.

When I was a kid we used to ride in the back of my mom's stationwagon with the seat folded down so that we would slide around all over the place while she drove like a maniac. Mom even put pillows back their for us to slide on with greater speed. I realize now, thanks to Public Service Announcements about seat belts and child seats, that she was simply trying to kill us, but at the time it was fun.


When I was a kid we used to have a horse named Duke. My sisters would ride Duke from the barn all the way to our house. Their friends all had horses, too, and would ride their horses over with them. Then they would all convince my dad to let them keep the horses overnight in the backyard. The horses would always wait until about 2 a.m. before making their escape, sending my sisters and their friends running frantically throughout the neighborhood looking for their fugitive horses. I don't know how the horses knew what time it was.

When I was a kid every kid wanted to have a trampoline. Wait, they want that now.

When I was a kid every 16-year-old girl wanted a new Mustang convertible or a Volkswagen Bug. Wait, they want that now, too.

When I was a kid we used to get together in the neighborhood and play "devil in the ditch" and "kick the can" and "truth or dare." The "truth or dare" was my older brother's idea. I think I would have enjoyed it more if me and the girls involved had been older.

When I was a kid and we were in the bushes playing "truth or dare" an ant climbed into my pants one time and somehow got pressed against my scrotum so that he was stinging me nonstop. I grabbed my nuts and jumped up screaming. I ran all the way home to the bathroom so I could pull down my pants and find out what the hell was attacking me. There was this ant all squashed up against my teabag stinging the shit out of me. Shortly thereafter I learned to insert firecrackers into ant mounds and blow the fuckers up. They had it coming.


When I was a kid I had dreams and goals and belief in a bright future. I don't know where I got that shit from.


When I was a kid I would occasionally get into fights with my best friend. We were little and would always end up slapping or pushing, but hadn't yet learned to throw a punch. Then, when I was 6, a hyperactive boy moved in behind me. He'd come over and be a royal pain in the ass to both of us. He started beating on my best friend. I threw my first punch right across his jaw and knocked the shit out of him. It felt good. We had 5 big fights before he moved away. In the last fight he tried to kick me in the crotch after I had knocked him onto his back. It made me pretty mad so I punted his face. That was the most blood I have ever seen come out of a person without them dying or being in one of the "Kill Bill" movies.


When I was a kid I would sometimes go over to the hyperactive kid's house to play. His parents were young and spoiled him rotten with all the latest and greatest toys. His mother was about 24 years old, Hispanic, and hot as hell. She liked to lay out in their backyard in a bikini. She'd undo her top while she was laying out there, which drove my brother and his binoculars crazy. It also drove my mother and her binoculars crazy, but in a different, more bitchy and resentful way. I was, unfortunately, still too young to know an awesome pair of tanned titties when I was confronted with them, so I ran around playing in their yard virtually oblivious to her hotness. There are still images of her burned into a part of my brain, though. Thank God for that.

When I was a kid the best burpers in the neighborhood were the kids across the street. The boy was my best friend. His sisters were athletic and pretty, but they could all burp like you would not believe. I never could burp like they could so I was always highly impressed.

When I was a kid the colors were brighter and everything was bigger. Except women's boobs. I think women's boobs tend to be bigger these days than they were back then. I don't know if it's the new bras or better nutrition or a combination of the two or what.

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My Blog is Worth

My blog is worth $1,636,695.10.
How much is your blog worth?

Yeah, okaaaaaay.

I may have edited this just a bit.

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Sarah Silverman Video - I Pooped

"I tried to be like the others. I pooped instead."

This is a riot!

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FYF - Chavez Throws Like a Girl

Fuck You Friday

It's another Fuck You Friday.

"If I am not for me, who is for me, if I am not for myself, what am I, and if not now, when?"

---

Prisoner caught with grenade where?

Up his patooty, where all good prisoners hide their goodies, of course.

Topless wife photo ends man's pole protest

That would do it for me. Honey, I’m coming down. Show me those up close and personal

Rules force man to urinate in bottle in exam

The teachers were so mean they wouldn’t even let him go pee, so a girl emptied her water bottle and let him pee in that right there in the classroom.

Superstition sparks toilet cleaning craze

So my wife is just superstitious? I always suspected as much. So why do I always have to clean it?

Human liver, part of head sent to home

Honey, I think this must be for you.

Trickster put shark in Austrian river

Ha ha, very funny. Somebody beat this fool’s ass.

Swiss accidentally invade Liechtenstein

Sorry, sorry, we got a little over excited. Again, very sorry.

Sword fight ensues after S.C. break-in

What kind of fool breaks into an apartment wielding a sword in the first place? Dude, the science fiction convention isn’t for another month.

Nagin: New Orleans aggressive in claims

The racist mayor of New Orleans is attempting to turn hurricane Katrina into the Powerball lottery, only on a much bigger scale. Hey, you can't blame an incompetent bigoted crook for trying.

Girl Gangs at School

Again with the lesbian gangs sexually assaulting and molesting students in Memphis high schools in an ongoing war against heterosexual students. But you’ll only hear about it in the Memphis local news ‘cause the national news doesn’t want anyone to know that this sort of thing is on the rise as schools aggressively promote homosexuality. Remember when they started aggressively promoting high self-esteem and then had all those gang and gun problems start popping up all over the country? You’d think teachers would figure this shit out eventually, but apparently not.

Mayor Herenton Alleges Conspiracy at MLGW

Here in Memphis, the infamous Memphis Light Gas and Water has been accused of sending out false utility bills with jacked up fees. Speaking from my own experience, we got jacked for sure. Ah, lovely Memphis, the ass of Tennessee!

If a kiss shows genuine love, does gender matter?

The Memphis paper has a column which is also run on the web, called iDivaMemphis, in which only females are allowed to comment and only those who agree will not have their comments removed. I suppose if the internet had existed back in the 1950s, the Memphis paper would have had it for white supremacists instead. Because it’s exactly the same thing.

Obama's ancestors may have owned slaves

This could get interesting. If he were a Republican. But since he’s a Democrat it will simply get buried under stories about Libby and Anna Nicole Smith and anything else the news editors can find to pile on top of it.

Coalition airstrike hits Afghan house

The airstrike hit a lot of things. That’s what airstrikes do. But when your goal is to betray your country and its efforts to defeat its enemies this is the only thing that interests you. This is the only thing you want anyone to see. Hide the countless victories and focus your cameras on every little mistake, misstep, or injury so that you can undermine and ultimately defeat the nation in which you live. Then you can bitch and whine when enemy nations view you as being so weak and pathetic that they send a team of moron terrorists from their sheep farms to fly jets into your buildings and kill your family. They know you won’t do anything about it because you’re a pussy who undermines any attempt to stand up and fight back. Yay for the American Press!

1 dead, 3 wounded in workplace shooting

Dammit, I’m tired of the toilets lecturing me! EVERYONE MUST DIE! AAAUGH!

Mom says Georgia 'girl bandit' is sorry

Oh, well that makes it OK then.

Missing: a huge chunk of the earth's crust

Al Gore took it to use in his movie.

Spiky oddball prowled ocean half billion years ago

I didn't know Don King was that old.

Men on antidepressants drink less often

Then I guess Prozac may actually be what killed the Soviet Union?

Parents beat up principal over grades

Apparently Americans aren’t the only ones unhappy with their schools.

Starbucks steams at 'Starstrucks' coffee chain

American corporations are totally in love with India and its’ endless supply of slave wage workers which they use to eliminate all the jobs in the United States. But when the Indians start stealing more than just our jobs they suddenly get all upset. Boo hoo hoo.

New York may never win its war on rats

Maybe if they’d stop electing them to high political offices that might help?

Global warming is human rights issue: Nobel nominee

Of course it is, and any day now the weather-activists will be marching on Selma once again, reliving their glory days or in most cases the glory days of their grandparents. It’s really all about feeling important. To hell with the issue itself. In the old days these people would march around pretending to be Napoleon or Teddy Roosevelt, but today they can all band together and pretend to be marching on some enemy camp.

Anglican leader extolls unity on poverty, AIDS

No mention was made on the need for unity in standing for Christ though. Apparently that isn’t very high on the Anglican leaders’ list of important things to do.

Some states put untrained cops on duty

Some states send untrained lunatics to Congress.

China could put astronauts on moon in 15 years: expert

Yes, you’re very welcome for the vital technology you stole from us that made this possible.

Bush embarks on ethanol diplomacy to rebuff Chavez

The only way to effectively “rebuff” a sociopath like Chavez is to shoot him in the head.

Schwarzenegger stops short of endorsing Giuliani

Of course he didn’t endorse him. Giuliani is only a Republican on Mondays and Wednesdays. Arnold, on the other hand, is a Republican on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

U.S., North Korea discuss relations

I might like you better if we slept together. I might like you better if we slept together. I might …. Anyone else remember this song?

R-rated movies lure white teens into smoking: study

Yes, that’s the worst thing they’re influenced to do by watching bad movies. Sexually assaulting each other, on the other hand, is no big deal. Thanks Disney. Did they really do a study only for white teens?

Recurrent Chlamydia common in young women

I might like you better if we slept together. I might like you better if … hang on, what’s that?

Experts want new definition of torture

Being tasered in the testicles, for example, probably ought to be included among the list of things that qualify as torture. But then the police might have to stop using them until the Taser Corporation fixes the guns to make them stop doing that. Have you ever watched a police training video in which the cops taser each other? Yeah, they always turn their backs to the gun before allowing themselves to be shot. Guess why?

Alaska moose brings down helicopter

It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s … a moose!!!!!

Man tells Wis. police he's a werewolf

Prove it.

Threat of "ice bombs" closes major Toronto streets

The Canadians have frozen weapons of mass destruction!!!

First woman in space dreams of flying to Mars

I wonder what the first man in space dreamed of? Oh yeah, flying to Mars.

Arctic spiders may hold clues to global warming

While they’re at it see if they can find the mysterious “glass ceiling” we hear so much about. Oh wait, I see it. Why am I the only one down here?

Teenager leaves "deposit" in bank

Let’s see you charge a monthly fee on this, you bastards!

Libby found guilty in CIA leak trial

They couldn’t get any of the people they wanted, and they couldn’t prove any of the things they initially claimed, so they grabbed the janitor and convicted him of leaking secrets overheard while scrubbing the toilets. Actually, they convicted him of lying about being innocent. Good job, boys and girls, you’re so awesome!

Libby verdict may haunt rest of Bush term

That was the whole point of convicting a man who had absolutely nothing to do with anything. He was their straw man.

U.S. Mint goof creates 'Godless dollars'

It’s been pretty Godless here for a long time now. It was no goof. It was apathy.

Communism in Cuba should end when Castro dies: Bush

And what about in San Francisco and Berkeley California? When will it end there?

Study raises questions about circumcision in AIDS

Sexually mutilating a man has nothing to do with preventing disease. When they revived circumcision back at the end of the 19^th century they claimed it was to stop masturbation. It’s not about preventing anything. It’s about money for hacking up boy’s genitals before he’s old enough to say ‘no’.

Surgeon general: Teen drinking a problem

No no, it’s not the drinking that’s the problem. It’s the getting the beer in the first place. I remember how it was. We used to funnel piss from Milwaukee’s Best because we couldn’t get any decent beer. If it hadn't been so awful we wouldn't have needed to funnel.

Meat-loving calf eats chickens

Hide the children, Ethel!

Catfish assault reported at Tenn. diner

Yeah officer, I’d know him anywhere. He was about this long and had spines and these whiskery things coming out from his upper lip and he stank. He assaulted my wife here and stole her purse.

Cops: Groom hit his bride with car

In the old days they’d just smash wedding cake in each other’s face. Things sure have changed since I got married.

Army to investigate racism claims

What’s to investigate? If the accused is a white male you’ll declare him guilty on sight. If he’s any other race, female, or gay you’ll say ‘no harm, no foul’ and let it drop. Same ole same ole.

Bartlett Father Gets Pre-Trail Diversion in Accidental Death of His Infant Daughter

Pre-trail?

Dems to seek withdrawal from Iraq by '08

Just in time for the election. How quaint.

More women working but inequalities are acute: U.N.

Here's an acute inequality: they use the men's taxes to create and promote female-owned competitor businesses, driving the men's businesses under. They even set up business centers where they only allow women's business to operate in order to assure that the men can't compete. Then, when the men get angry and point out the obvious sex discrimination, they say that men's resulting anger is proof that men are mean and sexist and deserving of being discriminated against. It's sort of like if the Ku Klux Klan said that black people not liking the Klan is proof that the Klan needs to exist. And this is just how it's done in the U.S. It's worse where the U.N. is doing it.

Legless panda needs a hand to improve sex life

Yeah, I'm not doing that. Do hookers service pandas?

Senators promise drug importation push

By all means, lets import U.S. drugs from Canada back into the U.S. and this will save us money and assure us an endless supply of affordable drugs. And while we’re at it, let’s print more money to make everyone richer and end poverty.

U.S. faulted for cutting aid to India

Why are we sending aid to India in the first place? All our jobs are there now. Why aren’t they sending aid to us?

Papers drop Coulter column after Edwards slur

If you listen to her comments about Edwards you’ll notice that she never actually called him anything. To me, that's the most interesting part of the whole scandal.

Man burns genitals in 'Jackass' stunt

Mr. Darwin will see you now.

Man, 91, challenges Jack LaLanne, 92

It’s “go time”! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum! Mandelbaum!

Kroger: No refusing morning-after pill

Only in America would we have “drug-activists” running around like little secret police demanding to see their papers and their abortion pills. They’ll refuse to sell cough medicine with codeine in it, but by God, they are not allowed to not stock abortion pills even in markets where no one buys them because you know the plague of children is the worst thing to ever happen to the West. Rampant unprotected sex involving a huge increase in syphilis and Chlamydia, on the other hand, is not a problem at all and don’t you dare say it is or you’ll be arrested and sent off to sensitivity training.

House creates global warming committee

They’re going to work in tandem with the Area 51 committee, the Flat Earth committee, the Sasquatch committee, and the Wealthy Donors' Worthless Children committee.

Houston teachers asked to return bonuses

Yeah, good luck with that.

"Don't discuss polar bears": memo to scientists

Polar bears don’t like being talked about behind their backs. And when polar bears don’t like something they usually kill it. They're sort of like Muslim jihadists, only much cuter.

FBI abused power to get private records: report

So all those private records Hillary Clinton got them to illegally acquire for her are finally leading to some criminal charges? Oh no, my bad. These are totally different records and in this case there was no criminal intent. So you know this time everyone will be prosecuted and thrown into jail, unlike the other time.

Sex offender convicted of murdering 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford, could face death

Well hell, eventually we’re all going to face death. But if you send him to my house he’ll face it much sooner rather than later.

Witness: Doctor 'dehumanized, humiliated' 92-year-old woman by keeping her alive

I remember what that was like. Ah, middle school.

German man chainsaws house in two in divorce split

Nice try, Solomon.

U.N. panel slams Canada for treatment of aboriginals

The United Nations has no room to criticize. But apparently they view themselves as the world’s church because they love to preach, be hypocrites, and protect psychopathic tyrants. So the sermons just keep on coming.

Police arrest more than 30 alleged drug dealers and prostitutes

They were just driving by a random Memphis high school when they stopped and grabbed all these people. It’s getting hard to tell the students from dealers and hookers these days.

School bus hits child in Southwest Memphis

That’s one kid with a good reason to hate school.

Chavez leads rally against Bush visit

So is he running up and down the street holding hands with Cindy Sheehan or what?

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Thursday Things To Think About

Be persistent and work hard. Success is a marathon, not a sprint. Never give up. That bra will come off eventually.

---

"No matter what accomplishments you make, somebody helped you. Probably me."
Althea Gibson, tennis player or something


"Do what is right, not what you think the high headquarters wants or what you think will make you look good, you stupid bitch."
Norman Schwarzkopf, army guy


"The two most powerful warriors are patience and time. And a shitload of money." 
Leo Tolstoy, dead writer


"Change before you have to. Or before the smell becomes noticable and you spot in those white pants."
Jack Welch, big corporate bastard who wrote a book


"I like dreams of the future better than the history of the past. But my sleazy brother likes slave girls, apparently. And thanks so much for that, dude."
Thomas Jefferson, third president and dude on the nickel


"Obstacles cannot crush me. Every obstacle yields to stern resolve. That's how I get laid most Friday nights."
Leonardo da Vinci, designer of weapons of mass destruction

---

Special note: I wrote these while watching the Sarah Silverman Show. There is a slight chance I may have modified the quotes a teeny bit, but if I did so it is entirely her fault. Her snarkyness influenced me.

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Battle of the Blogs - Round 2

It's round 2 of the Battle of the Blogs. I'm in the Northern bracket for some strange reason. I'm in a battle with Quilly's Quips and I have no idea who this is. But please, if you don't want to see me lose, and honestly I don't know why you would really care, click this link and vote for my sorry ass. And while you're there maybe drop a vote for my 2 buds, Stacy the Peanut Queen and Lightning Bug. Ironically, if we all win we are going to end up facing each other and then the love is over. I mean, then I get my ass handed to me.

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Cheerios

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval.

The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."

"OK!" The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts "You can just stay there till I let you out!"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man?

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cheerios!"

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