NEW BEDFORD, Mass. (parody) - A little tyke dressed all in black and pink went on a rampage at a homosexual establishment with a hatchet and a gun Thursday, wounding three patrons in what police said appeared to be a hate crime, or at least that they hoped it was so they could be on national TV for weeks and weeks.
One allegedly gay victim was in critical condition with head wounds. Police searched for 18-year-old Jacob B. Eisner, who was wanted on charges of attempted murder, assault and civil-rights violations.
"We're not sure how they've determined it was a hate crime," Eisner's neighbor who wished to remain anonymous said, "seeing as they haven't even found him and he's never said anything about gay people before. He's just a lunatic in general, but I guess when you got special rights you get to call it whatever you want."
According to court papers, Eisner's mother told police that he briefly stopped by the house less than an hour after the brawl and was bleeding from the head, which was apparently not unusual for the troubled teen. In Eisner's bedroom, officers found Barry Manilow albums and anti-Disco writings on the wall.
"Obviously we have a child who's dangerous, who's not rational, and who listens to Barry Manilow," said sexually ambiguous prosecutor Pat Walsh Jr.
A bartender said it was around midnight when a teen wearing a black hooded sweatshirt and pink sequined pants walked into Puzzles Lounge, a gay nightspot in this historic seaport city of 94,000 mostly gay people, about 50 miles from Boston.
He flashed an apparently fake ID and ordered a Shirley Temple, then asked if the place was a gay bar and if it played a lot of disco music and was told it was and it did, said the bartender, who asked to be identified only by his first name, Maurice, for no particular reason.
The bartender said the teen finished his Shirley Temple and walked back to where two men were playing pool. He was slightly drunk by this time and so the men were able to convince him to dance to the song "YMCA" for about an hour before he began to sober up. At that point he seemed a little embarassed. He shoved one of them to the ground, then pulled a hatchet from his sweatshirt and began swinging at the man's head, cutting his hair badly, Phillip said.
"He had this really nice layered look," bar patron and witness George Michael said, "but now it has this big ugly gash in it and it just looks terrible."
Other patrons tackled the boy, sending the hatchet sliding across the floor, the bartender said. Then the pudgy little loser pulled a gun, shot a man, and then fired another bullet into the chest of a patron who was leaving the bathroom, the bartender said.
He then ran off into the night, having been beaten up by a couple of old gay men.
Police recovered the hatchet and found a knife outside. The knife was not apparently used in the attack as it was a butter knife. The alleged assailant was known to eat a lot of buttered toast.
"We called him "butterball" a lot," Tom Bigby, a friend and neighbor said. "he's really pudgy and eats a lot of crap. That's really all he does all day long, eats buttered toast and watches TV."
According to court papers, a woman in the bar recognized Eisner as a current or former student of hers at New Bedford High School, where she is a teacher. School officials would not confirm whether he was enrolled there or how many of the gay bar patrons are teachers there.
Eisner graduated in 2001 from the city's Junior Police Academy, a "boot camp" that beats discipline into 12- to 14-year-olds, many of whom are referred by juvenile courts or social services agencies, Acting Police Chief David Provencher said.
"Basically what we do is, we beat the living shit out of them and scream at them a lot," camp trainer Linda "the fist" Chavez said. "Then we keep them awake for like 6 or 7 days straight while we make them run around in the nude doing exercises. And we scream at them the entire time, of course. It usually works. Or at least I think it does. I don't know. Maybe it just pisses them off? Anyway, we enjoy the living hell out of it."
Police identified the injured men as Robert Perry, Alex Taylor and Luis Rosado but would not say which one suffered the head wounds. The two other men were shot; their conditions were not released, but they are believed to be suffering from gunshot wounds seeing as they were shot and thus probably not all that well off.
A family friend who answered the door at Eisner's home said his mother had no comment and thus really doesn't add anything to this story at all.
The owner of the bar, Richard F. Macedo, said he planned to be open on Thursday night because closing would amount to giving in to homophobia, assuming Eisner isn't gay himself, or at the very least to really, really badly behaved teenaged punks who can't dance or fight worth a shit. He said the place and its customers have never been targeted before because of their sexual orientation or bad choices in music and hair styles, and really can't be sure if they were this time either.
"We've been here almost 15 years," Macedo said. "All it takes is one bad hamster. Is it hamster? No, that's not right. Anyway, he's pretty screwed up. I knew he was trouble the minute I saw him wearing those sequined pants with the little cuffs at the bottom. And dancing to YMCA? My God, nobody does that anymore."
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