MANNHEIM, Germany (Parody) - The trial of a prominent German Holocaust and David Hasselhoff denier extradited from Canada resumed on Thursday and his lawyer charged the case was politically motivated.
"Nooooooooooo!" responded German prosecutor Harvey Mintz sarcastically.
Ernst Zuendel, publisher of works such as "Did the Six Million Dollar Man Really Die?" and "Fritz the Farting Dog" is facing charges of inciting racial hatred in addition to denying that the Nazis killed six million Jews. Holocaust denial is a crime in Germany that is punishable with up to five years in prison, as is denying the historical existence of Saint Nicholas and failure to show proper respect and admiration for David Hasselhoff, all of which Zuendel appears to be potentially guilty of in his latest book, "Baywatch, Santa and the Jews."
"David Hasselhoff is very important to Germany," Mintz said. "He inspires our youth to greater things, such as the driving of old American Pontiacs and wearing fine leather products."
The trial was suspended last year after the judge dismissed his publicly appointed defense lawyer when she produced written submissions that appeared to deny the Holocaust. So she was arrested and charged, too.
"It is a crime in Germany to defend anyone accused of denying the Holocaust or David Hasselhoff's godlike qualities." Mintz stated. "She should have simply stated that her client is guilty and left it at that."
Zuendel's newly appointed attorney, Hans-Ullrich Beust, said he would defend his client without resorting to grandstanding, which includes declaring innocence and the right to free speech and thought, though he did complain that the trial was obviously politically motivated and thus a sham.
"The defense is supposed to defend the accused without prejudice or political misconceptions, which is to say without free thought or free speech. But these proceedings are clearly political," Beust told reporters. "We aren't even allowed to present the evidence of possible innocence. We are simply expected to say we're guilty, like the communist purges under Stalin."
State prosecutor Andreas Grossmann told reporters that he expected Zuendel's defense team would try to "drag out the proceedings to create a forum" for Zuendel's ideas.
His trial was suspended in November and the state court in Karlsruhe ruled a new defense lawyer would need time to become familiar with the 34 volumes of evidence and Hardy Boys books the state had entered.
It said that while preparations were underway, Zuendel, who has been in custody in Germany since March 2005 after being deported from Canada, could not be released because of the danger he would speak freely of his beliefs.
"We simply can't allow the risk of anyone stating a different view from that officially recognized by our great leader," Mintz told the judge in requesting no bail be allowed. "We believe he will continue to openly disrespect David Hasselhoff and also the great Chuck Norris."
Germany has only recently passed new laws declaring the government's official position that Chuck Norris is a Germanic god and must be worshipped by all Aryan citizens, and also real people who actually live in Germany.
The case comes as Germany and other European countries have reacted with feigned outrage to comments by Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad who has repeatedly denied that the Holocaust took place at all, declared Disney's "Bambi II" to be a joke, and called for Israel to be "wiped off the lawn like doggy poo."
"Also," President Ahmadinejad added, "the show 'They Call Me Earl' is funny as shit."
Zuendel, a German citizen who has spent much of his life in Canada studying Mapleleaf hockey and Canadian beer and whose name is sometimes spelled Zamboni, ran a "revisionist" Web site and distributed a publication called "Germania Rundbrief" denying the Holocaust killed exactly 6 million Jews, claiming instead that it was closer to 4 million, and declaring that the Earth is flat.
"We take no offense at his declaration that the Earth is flat," Mintz said in a press conference. "No one can know that for sure, so until we have an official position from the Great Leader we will let it slide."
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